Ahyar Dreamspark

Wow y'all I am such a fucking useless bag of human flesh. Just had a major meltdown over not being able to tie a string on the back of a picture frame that I've wanted to hang on my wall for the past *checks notes* ....8 years. The crying, hands shaking, mom-has-to-do-it-for-me kind of thing. Like...I don't even have words to describe how fucking useless I am at life. "But at least I can work!" I used to tell myself, except the last 2 days have been such an executive dysfunction hell that I've only done like 10% of the things I wanted to get done and everything is like this and I leave for a trip on Monday and FUUUUUCKKKKK. And when the picture frame is finally put up (can I operate a hammer and a nail properly, or will that be daily meltdown #2? It is a mystery!) I'll probably be reminded of this every time I look at it 🙃 Living independently is looking more and more like an unattainable goal. Fuck everything. (Edit: the reason why this is relevant to this challenge is because this picture frame has been on my desk for the past 8 years and is currently the last thing I need to deal with to FINALLY unclutter the desk. But of course "hang a picture frame" has to be an Extreme Challenge all on its own. FML.)

The desk is still cluttered and all the good habits I had established in the last challenge (slow carb diet, not getting wasted daily, getting almost-enough sleep) went out the window shortly after I made the original post 🙄 I...don't know why this always happens. It's like the moment I give myself a goal, even if it's something easy and/or that I am ALREADY DOING, then some subconscious part of my brain is like NOW I'M GOING TO DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE LOL. It's frustrating. I actually enjoy posting on these forums, but ghosted due to having practically /shamequit. I know that NF Steve often says that we never start over from square one because each failed attempt gives us more experience. So far it seems that the only "experience" I've gained from all these failed attempts (and I'm batting 100% when it comes to failing at these challenges) is that goals don't work and that challenges don't work. So...I don't really know what to do anymore. I don't want to just quit these forums because I like it here. I enjoy how quiet it is on the NF forums, and how these forums don't have ads or a fucking algorithm deciding what I get to read. Eh. If I can unclutter the desk before leaving for my trip (April 22) then I'll count that as a win. Then maybe I can just copy/paste my original post into a new thread when it's time for the next challenge, because apparently I don't learn from my failures.

This challenge is (mostly) a continuation of the previous challenge where I was doing Daily Quests. Because I figured that if I did Daily Quests in Final Fantasy XIV without a problem, then surely I could do the same in Real Life too, right? For those of you who have read any of my previous challenges, feel free to start laughing. The previous challenge daily goals were: - Sun salutations every morning, followed by a 1 min plank. The Sun Salutations have happened probably 4 times, and so have the planks. The problem here consisted of "morning". - 4 min Tabata workout on the Assault Bike every morning. See above. This daily goal was also made more difficult due to the drama surrounding the use of the Assault Bike. - Sweep the main floor every evening (because the wind from the Assault Bike sends cat and dog hair flying EVERYWHERE and I don't want to have to sweep in the mornings). Bed time arrived and I was like "nah". - Intermittent fasting (easy, because making food is annoying and this means I'll have to do it less). This was probably the only goal I stuck with from March 5 until Today (ongoing). Less effort, more win! - Go to bed at a reasonable hour (easier because if I'm sober I get tired around 9 PM because apparently I am Old™ now). And also this. - Daily bodyweight workout (the details aren't 100% figured out, so this goal may be left out, or implemented mid-challenge). The details are still not 100% figured out but I've done something each day and that will have to do. Okay, so there were at least three Dailies that survived the last challenge (and by "last challenge" I really mean the last 2 weeks of the last challenge because that's about when I started crawling out of the depression shit pit). I would like to establish some kind of a morning routine, though, which is difficult due to the aforementioned problem of mornings. And then an idea hit me in the face: why don't I do my FFXIV Dailies in the mornings? This would both a) be something I actually look forward to doing, and b) have a higher likelihood of getting me out of bed without pressing the snooze button 4 to 12 times. All I would need to do is clear space on the desk that is conveniently located at the foot of my bed and put the gaming laptop on said desk. It's not an ideal desk since it doesn't have much space for a mouse, but it's not like I need to be super precise to do daily quests on FFXIV. Week 0 goals: - UNCLUTTER THE DESK. Because if the desk is cluttered then I can't put the laptop on it and therefore can't do FFXIV dailies in the morning. - Find a spot for the alarm clock. Ongoing goals: - Stick with the Slow Carb Diet until April 21. - Do some physical exercise daily. - Attempt to get >7 hours of sleep. - Keep alcohol consumption to a minimum. Right. All of this until April 21 because I'll be traveling during the last week of April, so this will be a 4-week challenge. Or maybe 5 week anyway since I'm still doing these goals during week zero. So, uhh...7ish week challenge in total since I've been doing these goals since March 5?

Eh. I suppose. I wonder what makes alcohol addictive, though. I used to have it periodically (ie, from once a week to once every 2 months) from ages 19 to 30 and it was never a problem then. I actually had some kind of (naive) hopes for the future back in those days, though, so the need/desire to escape reality, or at least some aspects of reality is probably the foundation that alcohol needs to actually become addictive? Now, how do I create a life that I don't need/want to escape from 😐 (Preferably before I reach my goal weight/shape, lol.)

Eh, I suppose. There's just a part of me that feels like not having alcohol should be easy. "Here is a liquid that is poison. It won't kill you immediately, but try to do your best to not drink it. Especially on a daily basis." ...I mean, it should be a no-brainer, right? 😕 I get that we Humans can (and are allowed to) do dumb things occasionally, but goddamn. I've recently learned about "phantom hangovers" where I'll be feeling hungover even though I've been sober for a while, and Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) which involves all of the following bullshit: - Foggy thinking/trouble remembering - Urges and cravings * - Irritability or hostility - Sleep disturbances—insomnia or vivid dreams - Fatigue - Issues with fine motor coordination - Stress sensitivity - Anxiety or panic - Depression - Lack of initiative - Impaired ability to focus - Mood swings ...And of course I'm scoring a solid 10/12 on this fucking symptoms list 🙃 But then again, I have always been like this even long before developing a drinking problem, so now everything is probably just a lot worse and ugh. And as an additional "fuck you", PAWS can last from 6 months to 2 years. PLEASE LET ME BE IN THE 6 MONTHS CAMP, K!?? * A note about the cravings: it's not necessarily the alcohol I'm craving at this point, it's more of a "make the mental bullshit go away" craving. Fortunately, the desire to see my abs again outweighs this craving. Anyway, thanks for the support everyone. I've started reading the Diet Fatigue thread but haven't made it too far into it yet (because work was bonkers eeeeeeeee) but I'll keep reading it. As for the next challenge, I'll probably just continue this one, except remove the Sun Salutations daily quest and replace it with a daily quest that will have me actually get my ass out of bed without pressing the snooze button 4 to 12 times, because this has been interfering with the Sun Salutations a lot.

Thanks! The appointment wasn't stressful. It was more of a "aaaaaa finally" kind of anxiety. The kind of anxiety that is optimistic, if that makes any sense. ---------- Pounds lost after week 2 of the Slow Carb diet: 0. Not gonna lie, I was REALLY FUCKING DISAPPOINTED when I stepped on the scale this morning 🤬 I'm not sure if week 1 of this diet was a fluke, because I've done nothing differently during week 2 except being even more on the ball with the diet so ?????. I'll keep going with it for a 3rd week just to see what happens. And also because what I eat/don't eat is literally the only thing I have control over in my life right now. Wait no, not even. I was not able to get the big Costco pizza last Saturday because mom overbought groceries and the fridge was full, leaving nowhere to store several slices of pizza for the day (I can no longer eat an entire pizza in one sitting). I still went over 3000 cal on Saturday, but I was really looking forward to a Costco pizza. For 2 weeks now. The unexplained back pain that popped up on March 10 is still present and worse than before 🙄 I still haven't had any alcohol since March 5. I have been going to bed at more reasonable hours and also getting more sleep. Even with all these things combined, I feel like shit more than before and have less focus and less energy and have more meltdowns over even more trivial bullshit. I don't understand. I am doing ALL THE GOOD THINGS FOR MY HEALTH THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING and...where the fuck are the results? I mean yeah, losing 3 lbs was nice, but...is that it? "These things take time 🙂" people tell me. HOW MUCH TIME, though? I remember making similar positive choices last fall and literally nothing good happened. Why things. The sad thing is that this challenge was more of a "success" than previous ones this year so far, except it doesn't feel like a success at all. Well, maybe the money saved by not buying alcohol can be considered a win, but that's about it. And being 3 pounds lighter too I suppose. I'll probably keep going with something similar in the next challenge but will also set zero hopes and expectations, because hope and expectations typically result in disappointment and getting dropkicked in the face by reality. I...really wish I had a more positive update 😕

Bleh. Mostly sticking to goals but the Sun Salutations have also been Midday Salutations or Moon Salutations. Oh well. Aside from the meltdowns, the biggest piss-off is that random bullshit health problems keep just appearing out of nowhere? On Saturday I woke up early and wasn't able to get back to sleep. Ok, no problem, I'm awake with more than enough time to go to BodyAttack class! Yay! But it's still winter and the skin on my heels is dry as fuck and recently decided to just crack and bleed, so BodyAttack was no longer an option. And then mid-day Saturday my lower back started hurting for absolutely no reason. I just fucking HATE IT. SO. MUCH. When I do everything right and then this kind of bullshit happens, you know? And both of these problems have prevented me from going to BodyAttack again this afternoon 🙃 I weighed myself on Monday morning and...I've lost 3 lbs? In one week? Seems fake but I will definitely be sticking to the Slow Carb diet for the next several weeks, mainly because it's stupidly simple for 6 days in a row (same easy meals every day almost) and the Eat Whatever You Want day offers some novelty. This is what I had last Saturday: Two egg burritos, with regular eggs, bacon, and mushrooms, and cheese. One ~1.5ft long twisted cheese baguette-like thing, and then 2/3 of another one later. Horrendously greasy fish n' chips. An entire bag of mini Reese's. 1/4 of a Tostitos spicy cheese dip with a large bowl of potato chips. A 750ml bottle of NA wine. I wasn't counting calories, but my best guesstimate would put all of this in the ~3000cal range. This Saturday I have my eye on a pepperoni pizza from Costco. Yes, the one that is 3880cal. And then there is the problem of the remaining 3/4 of last Saturday's Tostitos spicy cheese dip. Apparently these dips are supposed to be eaten within a week of being opened and Saturday will be the 7-day mark, so it must be eaten for safety reasons. I'm not sure yet what vessel will be chosen to carry the cheese on its glorious journey from the jar to my mouth, but rippled chips will probably work. Or Doritos of some kind. Or maybe corn chips? Such possibilities! The appointment with the new counselor went well. It turns out that her supervisor is my former counselor, lol. She took some notes etc. to get to know my case better, so there were a few steps behind, but she also completely gets all the gaming and D&D and meme references I constantly make whereas Former Counselor did not, so that's rather nice. The fact that I had been sober for a whole week when I saw her probably sent the message that yes, I am indeed serious about this. And even if AT THIS TIME I don't really feel like drinking (because MOMENTUM! Weight loss!) I probably will pick up a glass of wine here and there after I get to my goal weight...which is fine, so long as I don't drink to deal with shitty emotions the way I've been doing for the past 12 years. (Tbh I probably will have a few glasses of wine on Saturday April 13 when there's a convention in town and I'll get to see friends I haven't seen in months.)

fdsagfdfhgaghfgdgfd More meltdowns, more than once. I hate everything, but have somehow managed to stick to doing Sun Salutations in the AM, to following the Slow Carb Diet, to doing quick exercise sessions here and there, and to not have alcohol. I'm pretty sure I'm being fueled 100% by spite at this point. I have an appointment with a new counselor tomorrow AM, so hopefully that works out well (the previous one had to drop me as a patient due to getting a promotion and having to cur waaaay back on her patient load 😭)

I was having a good day. I was actually having a good day. And then this happened: Friend on Discord: *posts a picture in one of our mutual channels* Me, not understanding the picture: "Huh?" Friend on Discord: "I deleted the joke. Standard joke rule: it’s only a joke if anybody gets it." Me, only seeing this several hours later: "What joke?" tl;dr, apparently the pic was a joke that went completely over my head. I asked if it could be reposted since I might actually get it now that I know it's supposed to be a joke, but comments like "too late I deleted it" and "just let it go" were made when I asked for what the joke was and I know that if I keep pressing the issue there will be an argument and OMFG I hate everything right now, most of all myself. I am always the last one to get the joke, the last one to guess people's intentions (if at all), the last one to figure out what's being said between the lines (if at all), and now this person who is supposedly a friend pulls this shit? Would it have been so hard to just LEAVE THE FUCKING PICTURE ON THE CHANNEL!?? Even if nobody other than herself "got it"? Fuck almighty! Anyway, I hope she enjoys deleting future joke pics and having repeats of this conversation because I probably won't get any future jokes either. FFS. I thought I was about to respawn, and I was actually feeling okay today, but there is just no escaping the autism/ADHD bullshit limitations, is there? It's not so much the passive aggressive behavior from my friend that's making me upset right now, but more the concept of "if you don't get something on the first try then it's too late." I never got things on the first try while growing up or even now, but this is the way the entire system is set up. Even in freaking grades 1 through 12: Oh, you didn't understand this topic well enough before the test? Here's your grade. You fail. No re-do. In university? Same fucking thing. Job interview? Don't do well the first time and you do not move on to round 2. I can eventually succeed at things and "get" things (or at least some things) if given enough time, but life and the people in it generally do not give me enough time. I hate it. Anyway, back to work, because I'm behind on that, too 🙃

Thanks for the support everyone. Once again, here I am rolling back into the challenge 3 weeks late \o/ New dailies: - Sun salutations in the morning. Or darkness salutations because the time change is next Sunday and it's going to once again be pitch black outside when I wake up. - 4 min of Push-ups Tabata or jumping squats Tabata in the morning. Or I'll even count this if I do it mid-day, because my track record of getting out of bed in a timely manner isn't great. - Intermittent fasting on work-from-home days. - Follow the Slow Carb Diet. - Get some exercise in whenever/wherever, like I've been doing. Shit to figure out before the next challenge: - How to do a Sun Salutation perfectly. Like, with the proper breathing in and breathing out times, etc. - Attempt to clear enough space in the workshop so that I can move the Assault Bike back in there. - Clear enough space in my room so that I can actually do the stretching workouts from the app that I'm paying for and not using because I have no space. Things will get...complicated in the near future where work is concerned. The company I work for currently owns the building we work in. This building is a small strip mall-y type of building, mainly for small businesses, except it's becoming increasingly difficult to find tenants for the units our company doesn't occupy. The maintenance is also a huge pain in the ass from what I hear, and the tl;dr of it is that the company is selling the building, and once it's sold we'll just be renting one or two units in it and the group I'm in will also be working from home most of the time. The problem is that my Work From Home setup is probably the worst imaginable: one single laptop on the clutter-filled dining room table, directly in the sound path of the TV that is ALWAYS ON because mom wants to hear the TV from the kitchen. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the TV is usually playing the news on a continuous loop and that's depressing as fuck. I'm also always sitting in range of getting talked at. It's practically impossible for me to focus. I have discussed the Work From Home thing with mom and for a while (okay, more like for one day) I had hopes of clearing out a small area of the basement and setting up my laptop and additional monitors in there. The basement isn't currently being heated, the ceiling is stupidly low, and the whole thing looks like a murder dungeon, but it would be QUIET and I'd have space for additional monitors. The cat litter is also in the basement, and mom constantly complains that I don't clean the litter often enough. We have a different idea of what's "often enough" but whatever. So working in the basement would stop that argument since I'll be RIGHT THERE when kitty takes a dump and I won't want to smell it for longer than I have to. As a bonus, the dining room table will be free. Win/win/win! She agreed to this when I mentioned it... ...And then became TOTALLY AGAINST me setting up a workplace in the basement the following morning. Probably because she realized that I wouldn't be in the next room to her all day and that it would be harder to talk at me. Now she wants me to set up my work area in the current computer room, which is...just as cluttered as the basement. The problem is that if I were to set up in the computer room the way it is now, it would leave no space for my gaming monitor/computer. Mom always complains about me playing ThOsE DaMn ViDeO GaAaAmEsSss. So, yeah. You can see where this is going 😡 I'm just so. Fucking. Tired. Of all this unnecessary bullshit drama and friction. The meltdowns over stupid shit have been plentiful in the past 3 or 4 weeks, and every time one happens, it takes a few days (or weeks if it's a particularly bad one) for me to recover mentally/emotionally...but I can't recover if the tiny aggravations and microaggressions and nagging never stop. It's like the psychological equivalent of a physical wound having a hard time healing because it's getting picked at all the time. And this is why I have been absent for the past...month? 😕 (Lol, I'm at the office right now writing this, because I can actually focus enough to write posts when it's quiet.) Since the workouts are happening but not optimal, I figured I'd start the Slow Carb Diet, so that's been added as a goal. I'm not sure if I'll stick with it for only a month or until the end of the next challenge. It will probably depend on how much fat I can lose within the first month.

Week 1 (and also weeks 2 and 3) consisted of a whole lot of nothing, and pretty much all the dailies need to be tweaked 😕 Let's see... Daily Quests: - Sun salutations every morning, followed by a 1 min plank. This should have been easy. This actually IS easy...assuming I can get out of bed in a timely manner, which has been a whole lot of nope. I've just been doing planks or hollow body holds at random times during the day, which...probably still counts? Except the whole point of doing Sun Salutations and a short workout in the morning is to establish a good morning routine. - Sweep the main floor every evening (because the wind from the Assault Bike sends cat and dog hair flying EVERYWHERE and I don't want to have to sweep in the mornings). Nope. Mainly because mom always tries to micro manage how I'm seeping and it is INFURIATING. Also, the last thing I'd rather be doing just before bed is moving all the fucking furniture in the living room just so I can sweep under it (because it all has to be done perfectly, of course). - 4 min Tabata workout on the Assault Bike every morning. LOL nope. Because the floor has not been swept the night before and this would result in early morning arguments and drama that I don't have the spoons to fucking deal with. I'll probably switch this to other Tabata type workouts, like alternating between push-ups one day and jump squats the following day or something. - Intermittent fasting (easy, because making food is annoying and this means I'll have to do it less). This I have been doing mostly okay with, at least on days where I work from home. - Go to bed at a reasonable hour (easier because if I'm sober I get tired around 9 PM because apparently I am Old™ now). Also LOL nope, mainly because of revenge bedtime procrastination with a glass of wine in hand. I think yesterday was the first night where I was in bed before midnight. - Daily bodyweight workout (the details aren't 100% figured out, so this goal may be left out, or implemented mid-challenge). I've sort of done this? I haven't been tracking days or what I've done because tracking is an extra step. The go-to workouts are a few pull-ups here and there (3 to 6), and a set of 60x kettlebell swings (50lb KB), an occasional run with my dog that involves a lot of sudden starting and stopping, triangle push-ups to failure (5 to 7), pistol squats to failure (4 to 6), planks or hollow body holds. Basically, I've done something to attempt to stop the expansion of my waistline, but it's not anything planned or organized. And also hasn't had much of an effect. The pay-off was going to be a combination of in-game currency and housing items because I was originally planning on buying myself a Concept 2 rowing machine, but considering how mom feels about having just an Assault Bike in the house, bringing in a rowing machine would result in a mushroom cloud kind of situation...which is odd since she's the one who bought me the freaking Assault Bike for Christmas 4 years ago to begin with. (It used to be in the workshop, but the workshop is not heated, and that's a fucking pain in the winter. The workshop also now only has about a 4ft by 2ft area that isn't covered in clutter. The workshop would IDEALLY be a good place for a home gym if I could only get permission to get rid of all the shit piled in there.) *mumbles incoherently*

I'm still alive. I was supper optimistic about this challenge when I made the first post but then everything went to shit, as usual. I'll (hopefully) post more later and respond to everyone but work has been crazy recently (audit season wheeee!) and I just haven't had the spell slots to do, well, much of anything. I'll probably just start the challenge halfway through and then carry it through the next challenge. Ugh, I just need to get through the next 2 or 3 days...

Aside from appointments here and there, I no longer have any evening commitments. It finally feels like I can breathe, especially since a few important things in my life have recently been dealt with. This much free time can be bad for my waistline if I spend all of it playing video games, though, so this challenge will be about re-establishing some healthy habits. If I treat them like the Daily Quests I do on FFXIV, surely this will work...right? Daily Quests: - Sun salutations every morning, followed by a 1 min plank. - 4 min Tabata workout on the Assault Bike every morning. - Sweep the main floor every evening (because the wind from the Assault Bike sends cat and dog hair flying EVERYWHERE and I don't want to have to sweep in the mornings). - Intermittent fasting (easy, because making food is annoying and this means I'll have to do it less). - Go to bed at a reasonable hour (easier because if I'm sober I get tired around 9 PM because apparently I am Old™ now). - Daily bodyweight workout (the details aren't 100% figured out, so this goal may be left out, or implemented mid-challenge). I'll probably adjust things before Week 1. (I suspect more thought dumping will also be happening in this post because there are a lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions going on on the back of my mind re. this challenge and life and everything, but I can't quite put them all into words right now.)

'Tis good to have you back on these forums, George!

FML. The earrings look great but they're clip-ons 😠 They were only $2 but ugh. Now I am wasting mental resources on deciding whether or not I should try to convert them to actual earrings or just dump them at Value Village. I should also, ehh, also not add any more Elf cosplays to my to-do list until my freaking Urianger cosplay is complete.