fleaball

thanks to both of you! Looks like I'll be making a trip to the library in the next couple weeks. Also @Whisper I'm cool discussing it here if you are warning: word vomit ahead! The reason behind the goal is like, a tiny part because literature on resilience and mental health and whatever shows that a sense of spirituality is good for you and I need all the help I can get. But a larger part because when considering all of that I do feel like there's actually something missing in my life and I think it's that sense of connection to something that spirituality supposedly provides. I'm just lost about where to start and how to get there. 12 years of Catholic school has ruined the entire concept of "religion" for me and I don't want anything to do with the concept of "god" in whatever form that may take. My therapist said to start with figuring out what I think a soul entails and I can maybe see where she'll go with that at my next appointment but in the meantime holy shit that's a huge question. I watch ghost hunting shows and mediums talking to dead people shows so clearly I haven't entirely written off the concept of an afterlife of some kind but I also can't say I 100% believe in ghosts and an afterlife either. Okay, so if we ignore that whole part of it then what else is there to contemplate? The universe as a higher power in and of itself? Everyone is connected by energy like some kind of less creepy hive mind? We're actually in some kind of simulation and nothing is real anyway? Idk. None of that resonates. the only times I've ever really had a sense of awe and like, "holy shit look at the vastness of everything and I am so small compared to everything that ever existed" (in a good way; I worded that horribly) is when I'm in the presence of Really Old Shit. Castles in Europe. Notre-Dame. Roman ruins literally everywhere. Petra. Like my brain literally cannot comprehend that people made these things hundreds if not thousands of years ago and they're still here for me to look at and be in and that's insane. But I can't just hop on a transatlantic flight any time I need inspiration. Also, "people were good at engineering" is also not a great starting point for spirituality. tl;dr I think I'm just trying to find something that will click for me but it kinda feels like nothing has or ever will? interesting thing that just came to me: I do remember being at the Tower of London and like, yeah there's the whole mind blown-ness of like, whoa here's this old fucking castle that's been here for centuries and damn it's just surrounded by modern life wow. But I remember hearing guides talking about the history and the prisoners that had been kept there and there's a glass sculpture of a pillow in memory of Anne Boleyn and other people who were beheaded there and I do remember feeling this weird overwhelming like, sadness but also something more than that? And it was hard to shake after leaving. Like "I cannot believe all of the things that happened here" and like the energy of the place was just different. I wonder if that was all just in my head or if there's something worth poking at that memory for. Of course my therapist is off this week so now I have to figure shit out on my own. Boo. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking around.

woo!

All of the space. In all of the ways that space can be had. 1. physical space: - find homes for all the shit in my room that doesn't belong where it is (ideally in the first two weeks because we have electricians coming April 5 for 3 weeks yuck) - give away or otherwise get rid of the whole bin of stuff I don't want (by the end of the challenge) 2. mental space: - journal OR meditate every day (both is better) 3. financial breathing room space: - no more than 1 takeout order a day (ideally none but baby steps) - don't buy anything that isn't an absolute necessity 4. spiritual space? - someone help me out here idk how to spirituality if-you-squint physical space goal: lose weight, thereby taking up less physical space and everything seems roomier!

Here for all the daily daily-ing!

Good news: ol' poopfoot is doing well. Haven't seen any more limping or shaking his foot or anything like that. I'll probably try again tomorrow to check and not get mauled but I think we're in the clear. It probably wasn't that much of an issue to begin with but I always freak out when there's something wrong with either cat. Need to work on that. kinda ready for the new boards go up but also don't really want to deal with challenges. Hmm. And I want French fries to magically appear in my lap.

Awesome. Thank you. I'm clueless about this stuff.

Cool, now the gremlins are all like "lolol he's gonna die because his foot's gonna be infected hahaha." I saw zero signs of infection or irritation or whatever so IF there is an issue or something then whatever I have time to call the vet or whatnot. I just need to murder some fucking gremlins somehow.

I live with idiots. cut because cat poop: also, I have a question because I am an idiot: I had a bunch of clean wet paper towels on a plate so I could grab a new one when I needed it. And then I fucking put a used shit-covered one on top of the clean ones on said plate. Actual dinner plate. Should I bother trying to wash that plate or just chuck it? No dishwasher to sanitize it or anything. I just don't want to be eating off a cat shit plate. It's like all my goddamn brain cells shut down when I have to manage Thing 1 and Thing 2.

My therapy homework for the week: figure out what I think a soul is. I'm gonna need several drinks.

Even though I really didn't do anything this challenge I'm glad it's over. Idk maybe it was the fact that I had a lot I was dreading over this particular five weeks. im once again feeling vaguely optimistic about doing shit for no apparent reason. It's not a bad thing obviously but I do wonder what changed (and how do I keep it from changing back?). Hopefully I can take this spotty motivation into the next challenge. I don't know what I want to do for it but I know if I don't at least make a thread I won't bother even pretending to work on goals the next month or so. And now it's bedtime because I'm too annoyed with life to do anything else. But there's no cat shit on my bed tonight so that's a win.

Fat Kitty stepped in his own shit in the box, apparently, and now has litter-crusted shit stuck to his feet. And has been walking all over my bed with it. Someone kill me.

poke

I successfully parallel parked my father's gigantic suv yesterday and wanted everyone to know. that is all.

Today in #nerdproblems: tried Irish on Duolingo since it's been a few years since it came out and maybe they fixed what I didn't like about it. well they did fix that. But now there's a male voice and a female voice that say the words and they're pronouncing them fucking differently . That's not helpful in any way, especially for a language that looks nothing like how it sounds. also did 1 lesson of Hindi and bailed on that too bc I still don't like how Duo handles non-Latin alphabets. Not sure if it's a them problem or a me problem but oh well. Someone come over and tuck me into bed and tell me a story please.