Doaheem

Hitting my first bumps of the challenge. It's difficult to explain but I just sorta fell off. I'm not angry at myself and I accept it but one day I just flipped off. I've missed two days of journaling and meditation in the last week. I did nothing to further progress my search for goals or dreams. I've mostly just existed and done activities characteristic of avoidance behavior which is something I normally struggle with. I don't know what else to really say in this post.

Oh geeze no no that's dreadful I'm so sorry. Nothing like that to really send a beast of Despair your way. Glad to see that you recognized it and are working against it. What might possibly work for food, it's Asian in origin, if you have any larger Asian grocers near you they may have food prep their. There's a place nearish to us called Tokyo Central and it's a glorious place with a sushi counter, a serve-yourself buffet esque place, and several microwaves for their many bento boxes and instant noodles. Overall not the healthiest of course (hello sodium!), but there are healthier options there and they're delicious! Regardless hope it gets finished before Covid hits your area too hard. In California we seem to keep flagging between shut down and opened.

Hi Julie Honeybee, and Freak Thank you for taking the time to drop in. (purposely not tagging) @julie I guess it is helpful, just always kinda beat myself up about it in the past. Even now it's funny that I didn't log in at all since posting this, just sorta felt... guilty? shamed? idek it's weird. It's nice but almost in a 'you don't deserve it' weird self image stuff. @Bee I found that the one minute approach freaking BOOMED so far. Haven't missed a day. I journal just before bed or while my partner is in the shower. It'll start off as some stupid remark like "tried introducing more vitamin D/sunlight because have been experiencing super lethargy blahblah" (which I have and it's been very helpful) and by the end of it I'm half a page in my composite notebook just rambling about things. It feels nice @Freak Idk I think it still just might be you lol, I'm a Lakers fan but I have to admit I haven't followed them much since Lebron came, I really liked Randle (I went to UKY) and his leaving broke my heart. I think they're safe as we bop in and out hahaha OK So! First challenge Kinda wishy washy there. I've been able to get two separate sessions into my journal. My partner suggested I take inventory of hobbies/jobs/clubs past and present and what I liked/didn't about them. I did and felt a little accomplishment, like one tick but that's still progress I guess. I found some common themes that I enjoy in training/teaching/helping other people, and doing a variety of things while moving around. A huge frustration for me is sitting/remaining stationary for extended periods and doing one task. I worked in a call center in college and I remember that as absolutely soul draining. I also took an interest inventory assessment with some results but more questions than anything. I truly don't enjoy doing this kind of thing because no matter what I always end up in a dark place feeling like I have absolutely no positive qualities/traits/attributes etc and it's annoying. Stupid brain. Overall progress towards goal? Incomplete Second Challenge Meditation, haven't missed a day since the start, I admit I've dropped the ball and missed the morning part of it but I squeeze in five minutes elsewhere. I'm normally kinda irritable in the morning and I found that meditation helped that immensely and helped me to feel less stressed and put me in a better position to be helpful to my partner and others. I haven't read a LOT but I have read a little of my Heart of the Buddha's Teachings which is pleasant and always leaves me feeling better after like eating cool cucumbers in summer. Third Challenge Haven't missed a day. HUGE success, absolute victory, forcing myself for one minute, much like the writing technique for novelists, has been a boon to my journaling. I have to write for one minute? Sure fine, this almond probiotic Yakult tastes ok but it's given me super farts, I wonder if I'm allergic to a probiotic, oh I actually feel really anxious about... You get it. The first sentence or two ends up being really mundane and shallow and then things start to ramp up a bit from there. I'm trying my best not to judge my writing and it seems to be working. Biggest challenge this... challenge? Easily trying to figure out what I want to do, it's a very tender subject and one that I'm struggling with tremendously, almost cripplingly. I'm working on my teaching credential now but I'm so scared of finishing it. My partner and family rightfully encourage me to just finish it since I'm almost done and I'll have both the credential and a Masters in Education but still, the closer I get to the finish line the more scary it feels. I think it might be related to the first (ok second to marriage XD) big adulty thing I've done that feels like commitment. I've always been terrified of commitment, I tried to play WoW when I was in high school and literally would delete every character after level like 12 because I couldn't decide on a class or on a side whether Horde or Alliance. I can almost always see a good point to every side of something. Anyway, that's it for now, wish me luck

It's kind of funny. I usually come here after getting some progress, faltering, getting kicked around, and then ultimately stalling. I lick my wounds, start to feel a bit better, then come to the forum for a few challenges and then I blast off again. I used to hate myself for doing it but idk, maybe the forum and the challenge are supposed to be my bonfire to rest at and recharge, and, if I'm lucky, touch a few people with encouragement along the way. I'm trying to tackle a big personal demon this challenge and it's got me a little worried. 1. Goals / Dreams It's vague as hell but I can't remember a time when I ever had a goal or a dream. When I was little I wanted to be a pro golfer but it was never mine, it was my dads for me. Now I'm 30 and I'm married and I can't think of a single time I ever had a goal or a dream. I graduated high school just because it was next, same with college, I got married just because I met a great woman. None of those (I feel shame for the last part) were ever goals or dreams, they just sort of happened to me as I washed long with life. My wife brought up setting new goals and dreams following Lunar New Year and was astonished when I told her that. I didn't honestly have a good explanation why. Sure I've had interests I guess like becoming a voice actor but they always felt like childish fancies like being a superhero and not a true 'goal' or 'dream' My first goal (hello irony?) is to make better sense of what those are, and to create at least one of each by the end of the challenge. They may not be perfect and I might change them, but at least I'll have something to show for it. I plan to achieve this through journaling on the topic at least twice a week where I sit alone without electronics to distract me. 2. Meditation / Buddhism I'm a teacher, well a substitute anyway and while I was still working I would take the time to do breathing exercises and chant mantras I'd learned online. I didn't read too much about Buddhism at the time but I noticed how much better I tended to feel about life during those times. I acknowledge that now could be contributed to a NUMBER of incredibly stressful factors but still.. I've always been a Lakers fan since I was little (not a huge sports fan) and marveled at the presence of Phil Jackson, their head coach during an amazing period of years for the Lakers. He discussed his interest in Buddhism as a means of quieting his own mind as well as Kobe on Meditation. That was also my draw towards Buddhism. My second goal (see 1st goal...) is to meditate 5 minutes in the morning before breakfast everyday using Habitify to track my progress and keep me honest. Sub goals during this challenge that I would like to accomplish would be to read more on Buddhism (I have books just... lazy I guess), and to come to a better understanding of what mindfulness is. 3. Journal This is kind of a two pronged attack. I enjoy journaling, I enjoy the process of emptying my thoughts and feelings onto a page so that my mind can rest. I suck at it. I suck at it so badly lol. There's been too many times when I just look at the blank page feeling like I have nothing 'good enough' to write down. That stalling at the gate of "I'm not interesting enough to write about" in the same vein of weak self worth that stops you from saying what you're good at when people ask. It's stupid and childish and yet here we are. My final goal is to journal every night for at least one minute. That means one minute of pen to paper, not one minute of looking at the page. I think this is a spurring goal as whenever I start writing, inevitably I fill the page as I've done tonight and last night. I will be more compassionate with myself and just write whatever is on my mind, games I've played, feelings I've had, I will not measure whether or not something is 'important' enough to commit to paper, it's self therapy.

1. Struggling here. Maybe setting affirmations as the goal was a poor starting place. No matter what I say it just sounds so distant, corny and absurd compared to reality. Maybe my mindset is really that warped which is fine but I haven't found a good way to attack this problem. 2. Better overall. Still struggling to come back to the forum but I feel like being conscious of the problem is helping me overcome it to a degree. I found myself, if not actively pushing into the discomforting things, not avoiding their impact as much so bravo. 3. Mixed success. I'm almost wondering if I do these initially as a means of running away from other problems lol. It's not a bad thing. We've been focused on lawyers for immigration things and we went to an appointment last week that was extremely hopeful but, like going to a dentist or a doctor, it's still a nerve racking experience but going to it felt like a big deal. We spent the weekend working on our application packet that definitely was uncomfortable. Still it feels like a copout because these phone calls don't take long if I REALLY wanted to do them. I'm going to recalibrate this goal to just one call a week. @ Jean Thank you for being a positive source of encouragement. It's kinda funny always being supportive of others but so critical of yourself. If I see someone else struggling I'm a beacon of hope but for never for myself. @ Fox That's a really nice way of looking at it. I'd love to try that! Do you find that word vomiting onto a page helps you get your thoughts in order? Do you revisit those pages? Can't really walk to water, in SoCal that might be a long walk XD. @ Gurl Not bad but not great. Lot of growing pains. I'm not going to lie your Mussar practice seemed really interesting when I read what you described but for whatever reason I never followed up. Thank you for poking me so I can do that. The method described of calming and disciplining yourself seems INCREDIBLY helpful @ Bob Dude it freaking sucks lol the idea of idling by between bouts of self improvement attempts that only function as mental *ahem* "self-pleasure" just feels wasteful at best. Gotta follow Steve's idea and set the bar low enough that we just freaking do it right? Good luck man

It's a very, very humbling experience lol thank you!

A yesssss chilled weather, time for various wonderful medicinal creations ranging from Mulled wine to more... Exotic things. Blankets and curry. Truly a wonderful time. Wife and I also carved our first ever jack-o'-lanterns together. She's got an excuse not being a US native but i don't lol so much fun.

Thank you everyone for the input! I'm uh. Well i failed the second goal this week by just avoiding the thread. Didn't feel good about myself or my anything and lacked the mental discipline to persevere. 1. Failed mostly. No consistency or system in place I just jumped. I downloaded an app that will ping me with affirmations everyday at a prescribed time and hopefully that will get this week on track 2. Mixed Success, I'm not going to lie I avoided this thread. I thought about it sure and checked in to read but never responded even though I had time and in that I failed. However I called many lawyers and scheduled an immigration consultation for my wife, organized our house and threw out some things we don't need, and investigated where my money is going in terms of subscription services and feel like those were wins. 3. Mixed Success, in lieu of calling lawyers, I didn't call any banks but rather I spent a day taking note of all my debt balances, APRs, monthly payments including due dates, and will call this week to negotiate to try to get it paiddl down quicker. I'm wondering if a consolidation service like Tally would be helpful but I read so many mixed things on those topics both good and bad. @ Jean I love the tinier goals. It reminds me a LOT of the Steve posts on Instagram recently talking about lowering the bar to a point where you can still have a win and maintain your momentum. I loved that so much especially as a person that tends towards being low. The debt thing is a big deal too and a big source of shame for me. I'm not going to hide at all that it affects my outlook on things. @ accountant Absolutely. Both you and Jean are echoing solid ideas that I need to internalize. Damn this American mindset of all or nothing. My wife constantly beats me up for that lol. Even if you don't dash 100 meters a step forward is still more than just standing still. It's a shift in mindset though. @ dark Would you mind sharing more on the process of sitting and ruminating? Like I imagine just sitting with a pad and devoting x minutes to just thinking on a topic and writing down things that strike me as important. Does that seem like the right direction? @ yeti I definitely agree with the many concepts of meditation. Especially as I continue to explore Buddhism with walking meditations and mindful this/that. I think anything centers you could be considered meditation and if listening to banging music drowns out the voice so you just sit there then absolutely. I'm far from an educated opinion though lol. @ fitness What do you mean by meditating on a subject. Would you do an /explainitlikeim5? That's the thing I'm struggling with because meditation seems like the act of quieting your thoughts and yet meditating on a subject seems like purposely directing your thoughts to a subject, not quite the opposite but close. I appreciate the check-in and will Google some things you mentioned.

I feel like once a year I come back to the forum pissed off at life and determined to change something and every time I run out of steam and drift off into oblivion content that I made the effort to change without actually changing. This challenge will be a bit different than the standard MO for NF. I'm not pursuing any physical goals this challenge. I'm pursuing life altering goals, hoping to rewire the system so to speak and am using the idea of habit formation as that bedrock. 1. Rich Mind Poor Mind. I firmly believe that there is some meaning to the idea that a person's beliefs, their internal scripts, their subconscious, etc all have an impact on their ability to be successful and happy. I want to change that, although I'm not sure how outside of simply being mindful of my own limiting beliefs as they percolate to the surface. I think that going over affirmations in the morning and in the evening will help, and to make a note of my internal scripts as they arise and to be more mindful of my thoughts. I'm not sure how to make this more tangible and pursuable. I think meditating on thoughts would help but I'm not sure how to do that since the object of meditation is to clear your thoughts and be still. 2. Runaway I've noticed this year just how profoundly i tend to run away/avoid my problems. It's not healthy and I just lose days to it. I notice in particular that I tend to think/fantasize about escapist things and that doesn't help at all outside of some mental masturbation. I've been reading about Buddhism this year courtesy of Thich Nhat Hanh and, it's something I've read/heard before but the way he put it just hit home with me. What we think about, we become. I will force myself to do at least 2 uncomfortable things every week. And if I recognize avoiding behavior I will find the root and plan to attack it. 3. Debt Pit Building off the second one I have an unhealthy relationship with money and spend without thinking and then avoid looking at the problem because of the discomfort it will bring. That can't coexist with a successful life. For the challenge itself I simply want to take the debt worksheet from Ramit Sethi and have it filled out with all of my debts and to have a plan of attack by the end of the challenge for which one I'm paying off first etc. To break that down further I want to make at least 2 calls a week to credit companies to get this information and attempt to negotiate. I welcome any criticism and this might change several times by the start of the challenge. Particularly the first part. There needs to be a more concrete plan.

I appreciate the thorough and patient response and I do think they apply quite well to my respawn post. I appreciate your reading that too I guess I was slowly learning that reality on my own but it's always helpful to hear someone else say it and reinforce that. Being married it feels even more magnified, when my darker parts hurt me it's not so big because, well, shame on you for being dumb. However when your darker parts directly affect someone you care about, that really hurts. I'm learning more to face up to it, little by little and grow through the process though it hurts at times and DAMN do I hate younger Doaheem for wanting to be an adult XD.

Thank you for the response it always feels nice coming home because it doesn't feel like everyone is posturing to show their best self like some sort of social media. Everyone seems to show a more authentic side, at least in the areas I've been to . I'm sorry but what do you mean? First, is "the thing" in this instance referring to the negative attributes I hinted at? And second, what do you mean by don't blink? Like don't look at it with disgust?

2019 has been a weird year. Lots of self discovery and a lot of it not necessarily positive but it's a good thing because that recognition means I can change it right? I'm going to stay here for a bit. Warm myself in the light of you all. Btw headcanon, I feel like Druids also fit the fantasy character of magic users like Wizards since they also focus on more internal pursuits. Mastery of self and all that. Sent from my ONEPLUS A5000 using Tapatalk

This will be a bit rambly but here we go. 2019 has been a HELL of a year. I'm 29 now but living on my own for the first time since 2013 when I was in college. I married in December and this year has been 10 months of me constantly seeing the undesirable parts of me glaring and sometimes bad. How my habits of procrastination and running away from problems that used to manifest as a late assignment or an all nighter to make up for putting off a project, now are manifesting in much more punishing ways. How my tendency to respond to issues immediately with a brief lashing out similar to a dog snapping out of fear is affecting my relationships. It's wonderful, but... It's painful and I've had several periods of feeling quite down. It's ok, I'm trying to look at it from a positive direction and this light that illuminating all of my undesirable traits is also allowing me to see them, to be painfully aware of them and to change them but change is difficult. Combine that with my reading of "I Will Teach you To Be Rich" and the subconscious scripts that Ramit Sethi discusses has forced me to be more aware of the things I say to myself either to no one or directly addressing myself. I'm becoming more aware of my own problems. However it's like the state of learned-ignorance in that I can recognize my screwups... Usually AFTER the screwup at worst and during it at best. Most importantly I recognize the two wolves inside me. They're distinct and well outlined,l with a force inside me that wants to be better, that wants to be more, and another force that wants to be lazy, run away, procrastinate, and play games. It's a good thing to recognize but that second wolf sucks. Bringing this full circle to the title that I'm sure some recognized was My Hero Academia. I just started the show with my wife and, while childish, it really makes me feel hopeful, All Might has corny but sagely advice to young Midoriya. All Might is probably the hero I most think I've ever idolized. At least at this point in the show (1st season). I'm sure that'll change as I get into the show but I wanna be like him hahaha. But my mind immediately created a connection between the Rebellion forum and UA where both have groups of driven individuals hoping to change for the better. I hope to be a more regular member of this community and... I'm kind of out of steam now, thank you for following this rambling Sent from my ONEPLUS A5000 using Tapatalk

Let me cut any blows by saying I'm not preaching about it, I'm asking for myself. Despite COUNTLESS family members both living with and lost to substance addictions whether drug or alcohol, I've never felt a calling to them and I consider myself incredibly lucky for that. However, I strongly believe that I have an addictive relationship with video games which sucks because I truly enjoy them but I have no sense of self control. It's worst with multiplayer FPS games which I just can't play anymore without sliding down the hole but other games that trigger a short rush like Rocket League or Dead By Daylight as examples also seem to hit that button too. Ignoring life needs and responsibilities, shuttering away entire days in the pursuit of one more round. Not thinking about the future or finances. Not talking to friends, not going to the park. I've tried detoxing before by going completely without games for periods of time and found my quality of life to skyrocket, and then I'd try to slowly introduce a game, Minecraft here, something simple there, and inevitably I slide back into the hole. I enjoy them and I'd like to be able to play them but I feel like there's this huge green pasture just beyond this fence that I keep building myself to block me in. Is anyone else struggling with that and is it possible to find that balance?

Still chugging along I promise you all.I've slipped a bit for Friday but otherwise we're good. Just been busy, stressed, and tired. I'm also running into the same problem I always run into and that's my not knowing what else to say. I start off the challenge strong and chug along but then I get to the point where I just don't know what to post or feel like I don't have anything worth posting... We're still looking for an apartment... still getting ready for her immigration stuff, still needing to do taxes... so many things!!!