our.lady.of.ashes

Yesterday, I also managed to do the warm up for P90X+'s full body workout. Today so far, 10 incline push ups and a 2 mile walk. Feeling a little bit like I can make a habit of this.

Guys, it's so nice to see you're still around too. Now to get back on the wagon...might need to hitch the horses to it first...or maybe just make sure it has wheels......Lots of things which need doing to get this up and going again. On the plus side, I have walked 2 miles already today and done 10 incline push ups. I think I'm off to a decent start.

I fell off the wagon for a few years. I'm not sure if I should reboot this thread or not, but at the moment I'm going to at least post that I haven't died.

When I fell off the wagon, I fell off the wagon. Now I'm back at square one, in worse shape than when I started, but you know what? That's okay. When you join you join for life. I'm going to get myself back into the Academy. I'm going to get myself back to taking care of my diet because that's 80% of the battle and I'm going to get off my butt and do the things that need to be done. Thanks for the support.

His initial response was "Why?" because he doesn't understand depression. Once I convinced him it wasn't his fault however he just wanted to know how he could make it better. He's checking in on my mental status every day and spending time with me when I'm not exhausted. He also brought me flowers. They are very pretty.

Thanks guys. I've basically decided that until things get better, I'm just going to take a break from expectations. If I can get out of bed every day and get the important stuff (going to work) done, then that's good enough. I'll eat whatever my body says we're eating for the day, sleep when I feel like it, and try to fit in walking around when I can. My therapist, who I saw yesterday, says to try positive affirmations to help get my brain into a more positive (he doesn't say happy) mindset. One of the affirmations is "I am a hero". I haven't figured out hero of what yet, but that's one I'm definitely using.

This is one of the few places where I can be utterly realistic without someone saying that I shouldn't feel the way I do. Today is DAY FIVE of my current major depressive episode. I get up and go to work. I make appointments with other people. Other than that I sleep. If it requires me to do it just because it is for me, it simply isn't happening, I don't have the energy. So far, everyone that I have told that I'm having a hard time has asked WHY? Honestly, I don't know. I'm hurting. Isn't that enough? Do you need to know why I'm hurting so you can try to explain it away as if that will make it so that I stop hurting? Isn't it enough that I'm scared I'm coming apart at the seams and just looking for someone to tell me that they've got my back and its going to be all right? I haven't actively wanted to hurt myself, but I've contemplated what life would be like for other people if I simply wandered off and didn't come back. Then I would just be gone and they would have a reason to be asking why. I just wanna feel normal again.

So four days turned into a two week vacation in which I ate like an asshole and didn't work out. They took the scale away at the gym, so I can't tell you how much damage I did. However, today I officially got back on the wagon with my first serious workout in like two weeks. I say serious because I broke a sweat and actually think I might have worked something. Here's to getting it together. Thanks for the encouragement and the gif is hilarious, Shello. Other things I've already done today, I sent a letter to my NerdFitness pen pal, sent the contract to my new editor who is going to help me rewrite my first book and make it better, plus help me work on books 2 and 3. I'm progressing in bullet journaling, though not quickly. Things are going at their own pace. I've realized it doesn't have to be super pretty as long as it is functional. Oh and there is intermittent catching of pokemans (as my close friends call them).

So I fell off the wagon again, but this time it was because I spent four days out of town. Up until then, I was tracking my food and keeping up with my workouts. I missed one workout and should have missed a second, but I made it up the next day. I've stalled out at 30lbs because I'm afraid to go up again, but I know I can't improve if I don't go up. Just gonna have to bite the bullet and do the thing. Tomorrow is a dance lesson day followed by a mentor meeting with my Sunday school teacher. So I don't know if I'm going to get a chance to do a workout tomorrow, though I'm hopeful. Gonna take my bag and do it if I have time before dance class. In other news, I've started playing Pokemon Go. I'm not sure how good this is for my productivity. It has however gotten me off my ass a lot more over the last two days. Oh yeah, and happy 34th Birthday to me. Made it another year.

Posted new progress pics in the gallery. They aren't very good and I don't see any changes, but they're there.

I skipped a gym day on Wednesday (I almost called it a gym date, which might be why I consider it so egregious.) However, I spent some time outside enjoying the warm weather and trying to get my head around all the stuff that's going on as far as my health, my work, and my wedding. Made a few lists. Delegated a few things. Decided on a few others. Basically got it mostly under control and mapped out the number of conversations I needed to have with various others in order to be successful. Friday I went to the gym and couldn't lift the 30lbs. I felt so weak and ineffectual, but I backed down to 25 and that went pretty easy. Maybe I just need to rest on 25 for a while longer until I can get 30 up consistently. Doing one set at 30 and two more sets at 25 to try and work my way up to just doing 30. I'm coming up on my one month weigh in and measurement session. I'm not looking forward to either because I think my diet has been shit this month. I honestly have been eating either too much or too little and then none of the right stuff. I just have done a horrible job of keeping it up even though I am keeping track. (Which just makes it easier for me to see where I've screwed up lately.) All in all, I don't expect my weight to change much and my measurements are probably worse than they were, at least around the waistline. Oh well, here's to getting it in the right place. Finding the sweet spot of tracking/monitoring and eating the right things to promote my strength. I also started a bullet journal. I'm not sure how this is going to go, I'm terrible about keeping track of things, though I have gotten better. This thread being a case in point. Still I'm going to try. If it's a failed experiment, then its a failed experiment. So far it has cost me the three dollars for the journal I'm writing in and some time. Not a hefty expense.

I've been away from here for a few days, but I have been logging my meals on MFP, so I have some record. My weight is fluctuating wildly and I can't seem to get it together. My eating is out of a whack. I haven't really been getting breakfast, which is still less than 500 calories. Doing better about vegetables with dinner though, so there is some light. I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I have to keep trying otherwise what's the point? As they say, you only fail when you give up. Otherwise, you simply haven't yet succeeded. Backed down my weights today because I didn't feel strong. I didn't want to push it overmuch because I wasn't feeling the motivation and I thought I would do more damage if I tried to push it too far. Maybe that was a coward's move, but that's what I did.

Today's total calories: 1705 Breakfast: 2 eggs, peach Lunch: N/A Dinner: 4 slices of pizza, garlic knot (Pizza Hut), Venti coffee (Starbucks) Seriously not my best day food wise. However, I did get more than 1500 calories. Now to see if I can hit that number eating good things and not junk. Tomorrow is a gym day. Yeah, looking forward to getting better at lifting 30lbs.

Went back to monitoring on MyFitnessPal which is the only tracking app I have any familiarity with. It went pretty well. I can see that I'm likely to undereat if I'm not careful. Breakfast: 2 eggs, peach Lunch: Double smoked bacon sandwich, 2 coffees (Starbucks) Dinner: Greuben, roasted vegetables. Total Calories: 1525 I've had two liters of water. If I can get a third in before bedtime, I'll have gotten that goal for today. First time this week. I've got to make a more concentrated effort to get that done. Right now I'm having a chai tea and trying to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my night. All two hours of it.

So I've been lifting or using machines for over a month. I'm getting stronger incrementally, but my weight/waist haven't made any move at all. I weighed in at the gym this morning at 168lbs, which was kind of disheartening. I want my weight to go down, not up. Plus I can't seem to see any improvement in the consistency of my belly. This is not good news. However, I've also realized that my eating is not really fueling any long term gains. I'm not paying a super lot of attention to what I eat, which may be the root of the problem. I'm keeping a food log, but just looking back at it, I am still not eating enough vegetables or choosing unhealthy foods when there are better options available. So what do I do? Firstly, I need to eat better. Secondly, I need to eat more. Those are the broad goals, the big picture goals. Now how do I break them into smaller goals so that they are something I can implement. Still thinking on that one, but I know one thing I'm going to do: make sure I have boiled eggs in the house for when I'm hungry. Protein is good for you. I've got to figure out how to get more vegetables in which is a little hard because they aren't my favorite thing and they're easy to forget when I'm hungry. The question of lunch is a big one too. Eating three meals a day, or at least two significant meals as opposed to two smallish meals, will probably help me a whole lot. If I'm going to make like 1500 k/cal a day then I need to be eating at least 750 per meal twice a day. I'm not getting anywhere near that eating two eggs and a piece of fruit with coffee for breakfast. That's not even breaking 300. Decisions, decisions. I don't want to add a load of carbs, trying to keep the carbishness down to a manageable level, but I need some more something to plug in there. Plus if I'm going to mostly eat meat and vegetables, I need to figure out how to get some more healthy fat in there to supplement the calorie count. It feels vaguely overwhelming just thinking about it and usually overwhelment means I don't do anything at all, so I need to get out from under that feeling right now. Break it into smaller manageable chunks. Step One: Breakfast daily. Figure out how to get it up to over 500 calories. Step Two: Dinner. Veggies are necessary, work them in. Step Three: Log everything, work on getting up to 1500 calories a day. Step Four: Bask in the gloriousness of accomplishment. Plus LOOT: ONE MONTH OF TRACKING IS WORTH PREMIUM COFFEE [Starbucks Dark Roast: Komodo Dragon]