Agidyne

For sure! It'd be great to meet a fellow Rebel! I'll PM you with some details.

I just logged in for the first time in a long while. Oof. Hello fellow neighbors! I'm also Pittsburgh-ish. 2 hours north in Erie. Though I do visit the city once a month or so to see family.

I just got back from my first run since beating the Beast last weekend. My knee was bothering me for a while after the race, but it's finally as back to normal as it's gonna get. It was only about a 20 minute run, but I miss going to the trail and I've really been wanting to, so I just got up and went. I'm glad I did. The fall always feels like a time for fresh starts, so I've been busy these past few weeks sort of reorganizing my life and my priorities. I will have some fun posts coming up with pictures of my little "academy notebook" I'm making to help keep me on track with everything. Also I want to do a "year in review" post soon too, as it'll be a year in October since I started this log!

Thanks Stella!! Yeah, that sand...whew. Whenever we hit dirt or pavement, it was heaven. And omg, Mike_d, that's hilarious! That scene definitely sums up how I felt, hahaha!

Yaaay! Keep up with the great work!

I beat the Beast! The 10 mile Barber Beast on the Bay was my own personal boss battle and I destroyed it yesterday. I'm so proud of myself! I was able to do 26 of the 29 obstacles. Of the three I didn't do, one I at least attempted but failed at (I'll get it next time!) and the other two I simply was running extremely low on energy (it was around mile 7 or so) and I didn't have it in me, but I know what to focus on and what to expect for next time because I'm definitely signing up to do it again next year. It felt so great crossing that finish line What I'm most proud about is that I learned I was able to do it all by myself. I was so worried I wasn't going to do well, and thought I'd need help, but I didn't. And the ones I couldn't do I didn't feel bad about skipping. Go me, haha

The Barber Beast on the Bay is a 10 mile obstacle course AND I BEAT IT!! Yaaaaay! I was so so so excited when I signed up for it a year ago and as it got closer...I became nervous and almost didn't even go! I was afraid I'd be bad at it and judged by the other participants. I also was originally going to run it with a friend but during the weeks leading up to the Beast, we had a falling out and aren't friends anymore and I knew that'd be awkward seeing them. But I really wanted to cross that finish line. And I had already told all my other friends, my boyfriend, and my coworkers I was doing it. I knew I'd feel terrible if I backed out, especially when I knew everyone was going to ask me about it. And my boyfriend asked me the night before what made me feel better: thinking about crossing that finish line or not going because I "might" be bad at it. And then he told me to quit thinking about it as a competition and to just have fun. And so I went! I saw my ex-friend there. It was awkward. But then I made friends with a complete stranger and teamed up with them and we ran it together, motivating each other. And I was able to do more of the obstacles than I thought I could. I'm MORE proud of myself that I did it alone and not with my ex-friend because I may have relied on their help when I didn't even need it. I proved to myself I was more than capable, and I want to do it again next year to see if I can do it even better! And no one judged me at all (at least not openly lol). Everyone was very kind and I found myself talking to a lot of other runners as we went through the course and so many people were helping each other and it felt like one giant team effort even though we all signed up individually or in smaller groups. ...Though the swamp part was really gross. I never thought I'd willingly wade into a swamp, let alone into a swamp that got as deep as my waist. It smelled like poop and I'm pretty sure something touched my ankle. Ick. But the worst part wasn't the distance or any of the obstacles (or the swamp)...it was all the sand on the beaches that we had to go through. I know for next time to practice walking and running in sand, because wow, that made the 10 miles feel a lot longer. But it was fun and all completely worth it!!!

Check in time! Overall, I'm feeling a lot better. I still am dealing with some of the stress, but I'm managing it much better now and my emotions aren't riding on a rollercoaster anymore. I just submitted my job application to this illustrator gig I really want that's in a different city (and state!). My boyfriend is completely cool with relocating if I get contacted and possibly hired. I don't really have my hopes up, but you never know. At least I submitted it. The Barber Beast 10 mile obstacle course is one week away and I don't feel ready for it at all. I want to back out because I don't think I'll do well, but I'm going to make myself do it anyway. I've slacked the past few days on my training, but I'll make up for it this weekend. Either tomorrow or Monday my boyfriend and I are going to go hiking, so it'll be a fantastic get away from everyday life. It's much needed.

So far so good, I'm still keeping up with some sort of activity each day. Also, I painted today! I haven't painted in months. I didn't really feel up for it, but I turned on some music and went to work on a canvas anyway because I thought maybe after I started, I'd have fun and get back into it again. I only got the background done, but I can tell already I'll have fun figuring out how to get it to where I want it to go. I talked to my boyfriend more about a new job and possibly moving. He's being very supportive and said he'll figure things out with me. I just really feel like there's not much left for me in this small town and I feel a need for change. It's scary changing things up, I mean, it'll be a year on Monday since I even moved up here. But nothing is happening yet. I'm still writing up some cover letters and updating my resume. In 20 days the Barber Beast on the Bay is happening. I was so pumped when I signed up for that thing, and I'm still excited, but wow I don't feel ready at all. I'm mad at myself for falling into that weird funk over the summer, but knowing this obstacle course is right around the corner is helping me to start to snap out of it. I know I'm talking about moving, but I already know no matter what I'm going to participate again next year to see how much better I do a second time around.

After a very long break, I am respawning and starting over. I have some issues I'm dealing with and trying to sort out, and some days are better than others. I look back and see that I had kept up my routine for 128 days...and that impresses me. I never stuck to something that long before - especially a work out routine. I don't think I'll be updating everyday like I used to, but I will at least update once a week. I find that writing on here helps organize my thoughts and feelings. At some point I want to go back and reread what I had accomplished, but as silly as it sounds, I'm not ready to yet because I remember writing about some things that are now currently giving me problems, and I don't really want any more reminders than necessary. So since I've been gone for so long...what have I been up to? I have a 3rd job now, which I may have talked about before. I sort of began to stop everything once that had started because it was and still is a lot to handle. I don't like my job. It stresses me out and has really broken down my confidence. I'm looking for different work and I know one of these days I'll find something that will fit me better. But as of right now, I can't quit because I simply can't afford to financially. I started participating in arts festivals. That's a very good positive, and it's gotten my artwork exposed. Not much has come from it so far, but I enjoy it and I look forward to continuing it. The downside is I haven't painted anything since April when I was racing to get everything completed so I could order prints for my first festival back in May. I want to paint more and I have a bunch of ideas, and it's not that I'm not motivated. I know to not wait for motivation...it's just that when I make my artwork, I create it in the mind of wanting to spread happiness. I love using bright colors and silly subject matter to make people smile. But I guess I'm in some sort of funk or depression lately and trying to create something that should be happy while I myself am not happy...feels hypocritical and I don't like it. Another thing that has taken up a huge chunk of my thoughts since I quit updating was some relationship issues I've been dealing with. It was all fine at the beginning, but then my emotions decided to run away on their own and I lost my handle on them and I feel like my moods are all over the place. That, sadly, will only heal with time. Fitness-wise, I've been working out in my basement everyday since last weekend in an attempt to start over again. I haven't been to the trail in a long time... I used to love running there, but lately I haven't wanted to go. Part of it I admit is laziness. Another part is because it reminds me of things I'd rather not think about. And honestly, some days I want to just pick up and move somewhere completely random and new because there are too many memories here that feel like they are drowning me. They used to be happy fun memories, but now they just make me sad. I guess I am depressed. I don't like it. But I'm here and trying to turn it around. I remember when I was active everyday I felt the best I ever had physically, mentally, and emotionally. I remember I felt strong and attractive and fun and happy. I want that back. So for my plan of attack, I'm going to continue looking for other jobs. There is one in a new city actually that I'd like to apply for, but I'm not sure how my boyfriend would feel about us moving. I mentioned it the other day and he asked me about the job, and I think I'm just going to apply anyway. If I'm contacted we can decide what to do then. Otherwise, I'm just playing a waiting game and I hate those sorts of games. I'm also going to start typing up letters to apply for artist in residency in different national parks. I feel this strong need to get away and escape to heal, and maybe being somewhere new for 3-4 weeks with just nature and my art would help. I'm going to keep staying active everyday, even if it's just taking a 5 minute walk or doing 15 push ups. It's important I keep doing something, anything. It'll grow from there, I'm sure. Emotionally, I might have a chance to get things sorted out, but it's most likely I'll just have to move on. Either way, it's important that I stay focused on myself and my own life right now.

Well, I guess it's confession time~ (It's going to be a long one as I'm going to be sorting out everything as I type it here...my mind's been going in circles lately, I swear) Almost a whole year ago I joined the Academy and was so thrilled to be a part of this community. I found a trail by my apartment and started running. On days I didn't run I made sure to get outside and walk - either on the running trail or just around the neighborhood. Occasionally a friend joined me on my run or I worked out with a few friends at the gym and I even started learning some self defense. Things were awesome. I had energy, I felt attractive, I felt powerful, I felt the best I ever had physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was so proud of myself because it wasn't "working out", it truly felt like it had become my lifestyle. But then 3 things went wrong all at the same time: winter, obtaining a third job, and guy troubles. (I won't be going into everything in major detail...just the drive by version to keep it all simple.) The stress of all three really threw me, and I still feel like I'm in recovery mode. I still worked out in my basement during the snow storms, but eventually that dwindled to a halt when I picked up a new job to help pay the bills, and then any hope of getting back into my routine was shattered when I started talking to my guy friend more and more and ended up spending the little bits of free time I had with him. That last part might not sound completely terrible, except that working out for myself became working out for him because I wanted to continue to impress him, as he was very physically fit and worked out a lot himself. Worst Idea Ever. It turned what I loved into a chore. And when it finally warmed up enough to go run again, I didn't go out because I was still spending my time with him (you may ask, why didn't you both just run together? well...we live across the country from each other, and the situation was really complicated and probably unhealthy to begin with). And on top of all that, I come home from work and feel exhausted because it's all I ever feel like I do anymore. So what's the plan? What am I going to do to fix this? Time management is my true nemesis here. And choosing priorities. At least, that's what I think this all boils down to. I can't ditch a job yet as finances aren't allowing me to. I desperately want to and as soon as I can, I will. My main job is stressful though (it's totally destroying my confidence), and I am on the hunt for something better. I'm hoping I'll find one that is a better fit for me and that it'll allow me to drop one of my extra jobs. Winter is going to be here once again and at least this time I will be battling it knowing what problems I already face than getting blindsided by a bunch tossed at me all at once. Last weekend I started doing small workouts every day to get myself back into the mindset of training. Some days I do a workout DVD, other days I only take a minute to do as many push ups as I can before I tire out. I'm just trying to do something, anything, each day. With each day, I've found myself to be getting a little bit stronger again and I know as I keep this up, I'll be back to where I was before when I was on top of my game. I try to remind myself that working out is for me and me only (if what I do happens to impress someone, cool, but I'm not going to make that be my reason for why I work out), and I use the time during my cool downs to reflect about what I have accomplished, despite my 6 month hiatus. I don't talk to the guy as much anymore (hardly at all, really, and probably for the best), because I'm recognizing that right now, with my limited time, I need to use that time for myself. I've started to feel better now that I've been doing something each day. My energy is starting to pick up again, and I'm finding that the small exercises helps me battle the other stresses in my life. I used to keep a log on here every day when I first started working out last year, and maybe I should try that again, if at least a once a week check in. No one has to read it, but by knowing someone might, it may help keep me accountable. I feel like this was all one big ramble, but it's something I didn't really know how to express or to who I could even say it all to. I feel kind of silly even writing all of this, but I think it helped, even to just clear my head for a moment and to try to get things sorted out.

Day 128 I am still able to do one minute on the challenge - it's a struggle, but it's doable. I've been so focused on my arms and shoulders lately that I had to remind myself to work other areas, too. So I popped in my Jillian Michaels Ab DVD and did level one. There's a move she does that I could never do before because I didn't have the arm/shoulder strength...and I can do it now! I felt really good when I realized I could do it. Around this time last year I tried to begin working out and it only lasted for about 2 weeks. I'm insanely proud that I've been going strong since October and only had stopped momentarily for about 2 weeks around Christmas. I think I can safely say being active is now part of who I am. I can't even begin to understand why I haven't done this and kept with it sooner. I went ahead and planned out the next 6 weeks for my workouts. I never sticked to a plan for that long before - I tend to skip around because I get distracted with a new thing I want to try, but I really want to do this one because it's focusing on my core. Basically I'm doing the level 1 abs for 3 weeks with a day of rest in-between each workout, and for weeks 4, 5, and 6 I will do level 2. It should last me all through the rest of February and most of March. Today marks day 1 and I did my workout. I'm also going to continue my strength training for my arms during this time because I'm still determined to do this push up challenge. Which oh! So exciting! I texted my friend to see how he's doing and to tell him of my victory of 1 minute and I found out he can't quite do a minute yet! I was blown away because I know he's stronger than me. I don't compare myself to him, but it's been a goal of mine (and just fun, friendly competition) to be able to keep up with him, and so to learn that I could do something for a little bit longer than him made me feel pretty proud. He's totally destroying me on running though - he's been running 3 miles everyday and I haven't ran since mid December because of the snow. But I'll catch him once it warms up. About one more month and it'll be Spring And since I have my new laptop (yaaay!) I will try to get into habit of updating everyday on my personal 6 week challenge. I used to update everyday when I started to help keep me motivated, and while I stick to my routine now without writing about them, I think this will help keep me accountable for this mini challenge. So..like how I used to .. Plans for Tomorrow Going to practice the push up challenge again and keep things mostly rested.

Ahh, I love Lindsey Stirling Good choice! When I go running and I start to get tired, I find Bruno Mars' Runaway Baby just because of the repetitive "you better run" lyrics haha.

Day 125 Everyday I've been working on my push ups. Today I hit 1 minute on the challenge! Whoohoo! Let's see if I can do it again tomorrow. A few other things of note since I haven't been updating as much: My new laptop (yep, I found going the desktop route would be the same price after buying a screen good for graphics so laptop it is again) should arrive Friday (technically tomorrow but I know I won't be around to sign for it), and I went to the gym with two friends the other night. It was heaps of fun working out with others again! And I got a new job! I know, I feel like I'm always talking about jobs on here lol. Well, this one is full time and at a ceramic studio so it kinda goes with my art background. I never did ceramics before so I'll be learning a lot about the casting and molding process. Currently I'm just assigned clean up duty, but hey, it's 40 hours a week and flexible enough that they will allow me to come and go to still teach my art lesson job and I get weekends off! I don't think I ever worked a job where I get weekends off before. The only thing that concerns me is the heap load of dust. I'll be bringing in a mask to wear because I don't want to breath that in all day for the foreseeable future. And whenever I get my contacts again I'll be wearing protective glasses too. My normal glasses stop a lot of the dust from entering my eyes so it's good for now. Tomorrow I get to announce my two week notice at my retail job. I won't miss the job but I'll miss the people - which is standard when I leave jobs. But I'll be keeping in touch as two of them were who I went to the gym with the other night. Hopefully my financial problems will be less now

Day 117 This morning I lasted my personal best at :55 seconds on the push up challenge :)