Raven Rose

Thanks both. That was really what I needed to hear - I'm always a bit black and white, and 99% == failure... not a helpful attitude! Catching the Evil Cold of Horribleness has actually helped because I've not been well enough to do my usual all or nothing approach so I've just made a few tweaks to my diet and started walking from my first bus to work instead of catching the second leg. So kind of forced to make baby steps and I can definitely feel the sense in it. I'm not minded to give up on myself yet, so I guess every step is still going the right way.

I joined NF and shortly after that our house buying process started and the more spoons I needed for that, the less I was exercising, and then as it ramped up all I've had the energy for is the move. Well, now we're in and that's wonderful and soon my fiancé will be working from home more often than not but the toll all of this has taken on my mental health and fitness is awful. I've been low so comfort eating and therefore gaining weight and hating myself even more than I already did (which, believe me, was a LOT) so I want to respawn. Thing is though, I've had so many false starts. I've lost all the progress I made and then some, I've just let myself go again and a big part of me feels like there's no point because I ALWAYS end up failing and back here. Over the last few years I've overcome some massive hurdles in my life but this just feels like the one thing I can't get over. Part of me is dying to get going and start exercising again, but the other part is just ready to lie down and die, give up and be the fat bride that will stop me from ever looking back at the photos (November next year, 360 days to go) and I'm so scared that that part of me is bigger. I want to be strong, but I just don't think I am any more. I think I'm too old and too stuck with it now. I hate myself for even writing that, but I don't think the hating is going to help fix things either. I really don't know whether it's worth trying.

The journalling thing is a good idea, I live by my bullet journal so I'll look at putting in a list of personal awesomeness. The ultimate aim with the CBT is to be able to reach that perspective on things but it's very hard work. My danger points are in the evening (I posted the above just before bed) when I'm trying to wind down and the thoughts I've been trying to work around all day without squashing them with ED habits are still there being noisy. It will pass and I know that I will learn to give them less strength and more challenges, but I've been thinking this way from the age of 5 or 6, so the thought processes are deeply entrenched. All that said, I never got this far down the road to recovery before. It would be bloody stupid to give up now. (Also yay for colouring books - my fiancé gave me a Star Wars therapeutic colouring book for my birthday and I LOVE it.)

Those are great, thanks. Perfectionism is such a sod. Thank you for replying - it does make it easier somehow to know I'm not the only one. The root of my ED is a serious anxiety disorder, so there's a lot of crossover there. I wish you the best with it

Thank you. You're right on all the above (except being bad at advice). I do want to survive through it, I just have my feeling sorry for myself moments. I'm already so much better than I was.

I kind of don't know if anything will come from this - I don't really know anyone here. But I really need to say something somewhere if only to get this out of my head. I joined NF academy a few months back when I was all fired up about getting back to the gym, having a job and a secure home after years of struggling, and when I was enthusiastically beginning CBT for my bulimia for what I fervently hope is the last time. Right now, though, everything has tailed off. My gym habit has failed to bounce back after some time where I had to save all the spoons I had for a choral festival I was in, and the CBT is progressing. I am really getting somewhere with it for the first time but the result is that I'm no longer covering all the awful thoughts and emotions with disorder behaviours and so I'm just stuck with feeling how much I hate myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep pushing through that. I can see what my life will look like if I can push through it and I feel like I have collected more underpants than all the underpants gnomes put together, but it turns out the middle step is very difficult and very painful. I don't know how to handle that... I know it's with one step at a time, but I find it very hard to break it down to manageable size as I end up just berating myself for not being able to do it all at once and therefore being fat and lazy and stupid and awful &c &c. I'm so scared to try because I will probably fail, but if I don't try then I will fail by default. I know this isn't something anyone else can do anything about. I think I just needed to say it somewhere. I'm scared to the point of paralysis but even typing it out is better than keeping it all locked away in my head. I guess.

Oh! No I hadn't found that... thank you!

I've been getting used to going to the gym every weekday before work - three strength sessions and two swimming. However I am now restarting my CBT course to treat bulimia and my therapist is understandably twitchy about the prospect of my replacing one addiction for another, although she does agree that some exercise will do me real good. We've agreed on a limit of three training sessions a week for the duration of my CBT. All fair enough. I'm now not sure what to do with those three sessions. I definitely enjoy strength training (still very much a beginner though) the most and my first thought was three strength training sessions with rest days. I am allowed a long walk on the weekends in addition to the gym so I get some low level cardio doing that. Is that enough? Can I work on just strength training or do I need to make one of those sessions dedicated cardio?

I am ALWAYS scared of people. Thank you though! I know I should be braver about talking because I've come so far with hurdles like not being a recluse and going in a gym with other people in it and the sky never fell in yet... Thanks

You guys are great Here and I thought I was scared and lonely and it turns out there are lovely encouraging people I've overhauled a little bit as I do tend to jump into things far too deep and not keep them up. I'm sticking with the basics of being prepped for the gym the night before (whether I actually go or not, it's a good habit), training at least three times a week and eating regularly. I'm already finding an amazing degree of energy boost just from better sleep hygiene. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my therapist about going back into CBT-E and I think this is a really good base to work on that from, and that gives me someone IRL to check in. I'm hoping I'm not committing to too much so I'll keep reflecting on what to weed, what to prune, and what to encourage to bloom. I am so stealing this metaphor too!

I'm not very good at getting into habits, and this is proving to be just like every other time. I've been overdoing it at the beginning of the week so that by Thursday I'm exhausted, and I'm devoting the mental energy to fitness so I don't have enough spoons to focus on regulating my eating (I'm a bit disordered on that front). Habits have never been my thing. But I guess I've stuck my toe in the water. I've found my current level and I know where I want to get to. I've been using Habitica for a while but having nagged a couple of D&D friends into joining it and forming a party, the guilt of letting them down gives me a little extra zing of motivation. So it's been a month and I've not come crashing to a halt. Not yet, anyway. I guess I just keep going and at some point the habit clicks into place.

Nutrition B Protein shake, tea, coffee S Fruit smoothie, coffee L Veg sushi S Skyr D ??? Exercise Gym 3A using 20, 10, 12&12 Sleep Woke too early but didn't try to get another half sleep cycle. Can nap this evening and be awake for Mr Raven's return home.

Mind Woke up at 4am. Not time to get in another sleep cycle before gym so got up... I'll pay for it later but it's Friday so I can get away with being glazed over. Decided the time is right to request my CBT be restarted. Body Gym 3A with the weights stepped up. Definitely feeling the difference.

That's good to know, thanks.

I'm definitely feeling the soreness on the days after, so I'm going to go with it. My initial goals are around strength more than weight loss, and I wouldn't get those with cardio - I'm just hoping not to stay fat with it, which I know is largely diet. Also this is fun. Thanks for the reassurance!