Mark D Posted November 2, 2016 Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 23 hours ago, Luds said: What do you do if an idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him. What do you do if an idiot throws a pin at you? Run like Hell, he has a grenade in his mouth. 5 Quote My character: https://www.nerdfitness.com/character/58572/ Current Challenge:http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/83683-mark-d-walks-up-to-a-barbell/ Previous Challenges: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Link to comment
Guzzi Posted November 3, 2016 Report Share Posted November 3, 2016 4 hours ago, RandMart said: Q: What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common. A: They both barely cover the asshole. (gotta give Seth Meyers credit for this one). Bahahahaha! Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Luds Posted November 10, 2016 Report Share Posted November 10, 2016 What did the astronaut's fiancée say when he proposed in open space? I can't breathe! How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms. 1 Quote Remember that sensory deprivation causes hallucinations Link to comment
Sandavia Posted November 16, 2016 Report Share Posted November 16, 2016 My favorite favorite joke ever: What do you call a pile of kittens? Spoiler A meowntain! 2 Quote Level 3 Human | Apocalypse Survivor Previous Challenges: 1, 2, 3 Challenge Spreadsheet | Meal Plan Spreadsheet | Workout Spreadsheet Link to comment
Artinum Posted November 16, 2016 Report Share Posted November 16, 2016 2 hours ago, RandMart said: Would have to be a pretty big pile A substantial ameownt. 3 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 21 hours ago, Artinum said: A substantial ameownt. Enough to give one paws. 2 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Mark D Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 A beautiful woman walks up to a bartender and says "I'd like to speak to the manager." He replies that he's the manager. She leans in close and starts running her hands thru his hair and beard, stroking his lips, then sticks her fingers in his mouth. As he's getting more and more excited she leans in close to him and whispers "There's no toilet paper in the lady's restroom." 4 Quote My character: https://www.nerdfitness.com/character/58572/ Current Challenge:http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/83683-mark-d-walks-up-to-a-barbell/ Previous Challenges: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Link to comment
Guzzi Posted December 15, 2016 Report Share Posted December 15, 2016 I had one of those scam phone calls the other day. They told me I had either won £500 or tickets to see Elvis. I knew something was fishy when they told me to press "one for the money, two for the show..." 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted December 15, 2016 Report Share Posted December 15, 2016 I've invented a worlds first! A golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it comes within 4 inches of it. They work brilliantly and its it's going to revolutionise amature golf! Just, erm, don't keep them in your back pocket. 3 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Faery Posted December 16, 2016 Report Share Posted December 16, 2016 What does a cockapoo (cocker spaniel poodle mix) say in the morning? Cock-a-poodle-doo! 1 Quote Link to comment
Guzzi Posted December 16, 2016 Report Share Posted December 16, 2016 Three kids in a playground. The first one says "I was born on St Patrick's day so my parents called me Patrick." The second says "I was born on St George's day that's why my mummy and daddy called me George." The he both look at the third boy, "When were you born Pancake?" 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Artinum Posted December 18, 2016 Report Share Posted December 18, 2016 On 16/12/2016 at 2:04 PM, Guzzi said: They both look at the third boy. "When were you born, Pancake?" It's a fair question. Unlike the Saints Days, Shrove Tuesday falls on a different day every year. 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Guzzi Posted December 20, 2016 Report Share Posted December 20, 2016 On 18/12/2016 at 3:01 PM, Artinum said: It's a fair question. Unlike the Saints Days, Shrove Tuesday falls on a different day every year. Touché 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? - a barber 3 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? a pool table 3 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Butternut Posted January 20, 2017 Report Share Posted January 20, 2017 Why are lobsters mean? because their Shell Fish!! (I stole this from a laffy taffy wrapper) 1 Quote "One should eat to live, not live to eat." -Molaire- "People always forget their hangover" -My dear ol' dad "People are born to live, while some are born to evolve." Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 Why did Mrs Grape leave her family? She was tired of raisin her kids. Curtesy of the Rand Man 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 Why did the Jelly Baby go to school? Because he wanted to be a Smartie. Curtesy of our 9yo, Zander 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
CheshireCrab Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Dear gosh, I can't believe I found a thread to give me more source material to make my fiancee face palm! Will throw one of my favorites in here: Q: Why do ants get sick? A: Because they have little ant-y bodies! 3 Quote Challenge Logs: Current Challenge | Fitocracy Profile | Photo Journal Crab Stats: Level 27 Ranger | Level 35 Fitocract | Level 100 Awesome Link to comment
CheshireCrab Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Remembered another one! Q: How do you figure out an ant's gender? A: You put it in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's boy-ant. 3 Quote Challenge Logs: Current Challenge | Fitocracy Profile | Photo Journal Crab Stats: Level 27 Ranger | Level 35 Fitocract | Level 100 Awesome Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 The Mexican magician said, "On the count of three, I will make myself disappear! Uno! Dos!" *POOF* And he vanished without a tres. 2 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Tanktimus the Encourager Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 4 hours ago, Tomu-san said: The Mexican magician said, "On the count of three, I will make myself disappear! Uno! Dos!" *POOF* And he vanished without a tres. I told this in my office and the co-worker listening groaned in a perfect mix of ecstasy and agony. 2 Quote Current Challenge "By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 21 hours ago, CheshireCrab said: Remembered another one! Q: How do you figure out an ant's gender? A: You put it in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's boy-ant. I got a good facepalm from my bf reading that one to him just now. Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 29, 2017 Report Share Posted January 29, 2017 Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming. 3 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 29, 2017 Report Share Posted January 29, 2017 I dated an apostrophe once. Too possessive. 3 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
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