[Georges] Accountability supports my goals.

[idealistinfire]

Can't wait to hear your thoughts/updates once you're done processing!

[Georges]

The PostMarathonPost (in which I spew thoughts onto the internet).

 

So, I took the week for rest and recovery, and thoughts and feels. 

 

The rest and recovery was the easy part - I split a beer with my sister and went back to the hotel and washed up and ate and drank and peed and slept.  I took Monday off from work so that I could take my time driving home, and I may have been hobbling a bit for the first couple of days back at work, but it's a desk job, so no worries.  Saturday I was feeling a bit run down, so I rested some more, and by Sunday, I was ansty enough that I went for a short 1-mile-see-how-it-goes run.  Muscles feel good, hips are a bit achey, lungs were on fire (but I think that's separate from marathon recovery).  R&R is always the easy part (as long as there's no injuries).

 

The thoughts and feels part was harder.  Nearly in tears at the end of the 26.2, and mostly not from physical discomfort.  I really wasn't sure until about mile 20 that I'd make it, although I already knew I wasn't quitting unless they kicked me off the course for a medical dnf.  I had a secret time goal.  I tried not to have a secret time goal.  I knew that my only goal should be to finish, partly because I dnf'd last time (2 years ago), partly because my training set me up for a finish-only goal.  In June/July, my secret time goal was sub 6 hour.  In August, my secret time goal was to go faster than a 15 minute/mile pace, or about 6:30.  When I hit the longest long runs, and especially when I missed one due to sickness, my secret time goal bumped up to sub 7 hours.  By race day, I still hadn't let go of that.  My time was 7:04:01.  Five minutes better than I've ever done a marathon.  About 5 minutes slower than my secret goal.  Absolutely nailed my non-secret goal of finishing.

 

I feel like I slayed the injured-knee dragon.  I feel like maybe I can stop being angry with the job that made it all bad again, and the manager who didn't listen when I said I couldn't do that job.  Maybe I'll even forgive myself for rolling over instead of putting my foot down.

 

I feel like I learned that I'm stronger than I thought.  Even though it wasn't my first marathon.  Even though I was supposed to have learned that about myself the first time.

 

I feel like I shouldn't have looked at the race photos.  That girl doesn't look strong or fit.  Apparently, I have a very skewed self-image, in that I thought I looked a lot better than I do at this point.

 

I feel like I have a long way to go.  Not just because I'm at 153ish pounds.  Not just because I'm so slow that I was last in my age group and I'm pretty sure the last person across the finish who didn't sign up for the early start / walk option.  Yep, if the race hadn't welcomed walkers, I'd have been DFL.

 

I'm a little lost, but I've been here before, and seen it in others - that place you end up at after you finally finish something, some goal or task, that was such a huge undertaking that you never really thought you'd be done, ever.  I've looked back, and I still can't really see the whole journey, just bits and pieces, in a one-day-at-a-time kind of way, the same way I had to live it. 

 

Part of me is looking around and taking stock of all the things I put on hold for 2 or 3 months, because the higher the weekly mileage went, the less I could do anything else in my life.  I feel a little guilty, like I've let Mr.Georges down by selfishly running the summer away.  But I know how miserable I was last year, wondering if I'd ever be back to "able."

 

There's a huge feeling of relief.  I know I won't do this again next year.  I may the year after.  We'll see.

 

Along with the relief is this childish unwillingness to stop "rest and recovery" and pick up the tasks I've been avoiding.  It's like I'm not happy with my "level" (to put it in NF terms), but I don't really want to quest or grind to get xp right now.  But still with an underlying dissatisfaction with where I am at now.

 

So, today was the first day - because I had allotted myself one week off for rest.  I actually had rocked out some housework yesterday, and set up our new coffee machine, and grocery shopped.  So I don't feel too badly about today.  I worked and came home and that's about it.  I got a couple errands done on my lunch break, and I scooped the cat box out (daily chore), but did not do a single productive thing after work.  The best excuse I can come up with is that Monday is my rest day.  Always has been, probably always will be.  (Not really, but for a long time it has been.)

 

Tuesdays, on the other hand, are not a rest day.  So tomorrow, I should have more doing and less thinking for the battle log.

[idealistinfire]

Love, love, love your post!  Thank you for sharing

[Georges]

A little update on the feelings (new thoughts in color)

(from) The PostMarathonPost (in which I spew thoughts onto the internet).

 

The thoughts and feels part was harder.  Nearly in tears at the end of the 26.2, and mostly not from physical discomfort.  I really wasn't sure until about mile 20 that I'd make it, although I already knew I wasn't quitting unless they kicked me off the course for a medical dnf.  I had a secret time goal.  I tried not to have a secret time goal.  I knew that my only goal should be to finish, partly because I dnf'd last time (2 years ago), partly because my training set me up for a finish-only goal.  In June/July, my secret time goal was sub 6 hour.  In August, my secret time goal was to go faster than a 15 minute/mile pace, or about 6:30.  When I hit the longest long runs, and especially when I missed one due to sickness, my secret time goal bumped up to sub 7 hours.  By race day, I still hadn't let go of that.  My time was 7:04:01.  Five minutes better than I've ever done a marathon.  About 5 minutes slower than my secret goal.  Absolutely nailed my non-secret goal of finishing.

 

I'm feeling better about my time.  I still have this drive to get faster, but I've balanced how my training went and how close I felt to overtraining/injury, and I think I'm at peace with the over 7 time, for this run.

 

I feel like I slayed the injured-knee dragon.  I feel like maybe I can stop being angry with the job that made it all bad again, and the manager who didn't listen when I said I couldn't do that job.  Maybe I'll even forgive myself for rolling over instead of putting my foot down.

 

I'm already feeling less angry.  It's not like it was some daily rage thing, but I feel like a chunk of cancerous resentment has been worn away, excised so it can do no harm, instead of scabbed over like a nasty abcess.  Less angry at myself, others, and the situation.  Willing to look forward and take better care of my health/safety in the future.

 

I feel like I learned that I'm stronger than I thought.  Even though it wasn't my first marathon.  Even though I was supposed to have learned that about myself the first time.

 

It's an easy thing to forget, especially when fighting a lingering injury.  I'm holding on to this feeling as long as I can, because it gives me the strength to do more, which reinforces the knowledge that I can.

 

I feel like I shouldn't have looked at the race photos.  That girl doesn't look strong or fit.  Apparently, I have a very skewed self-image, in that I thought I looked a lot better than I do at this point.

 

I looked at the photo my sister got with my crappy phone, and it's a lot nicer (even if it's low quality) than the proofs that were getting me down.  Plus, it's free.  I may never have an accurate self-image.  Don't know what to do about it, don't know how much it matters, but I suspect it's a root cause of a lot of my self esteem problems.

 

Part of me is looking around and taking stock of all the things I put on hold for 2 or 3 months, because the higher the weekly mileage went, the less I could do anything else in my life.  I feel a little guilty, like I've let Mr.Georges down by selfishly running the summer away.  But I know how miserable I was last year, wondering if I'd ever be back to "able."

 

I don't regret the time spent. 

I wanted to jump right in and fix all the things I'd neglected this summer, but it's an overwhelming amount of work.  I'll get there, but it's going to take time.

 

There's a huge feeling of relief.  I know I won't do this again next year.  I may the year after.  We'll see.

 

I'm already sad that I can't do this again next year.  That didn't take long, lol.  The only reason I'm still planning not to, is the time commitment.  I'll be working on speed for a season, and I'm already looking forward to another PR in 2015. 

 

So tomorrow, I should have more doing and less thinking for the battle log.

 

Still a lot of thinking, but adding in the doing as I can. 

[Georges]

Love, love, love your post!  Thank you for sharing

  I'm glad you liked it!  Sometimes, I think it's just good to spew out some thoughts to work through them all. 

[Georges]

Here's my race photo.  The time number includes the nearly a whole minute to get to the start line, but I didn't want to deal with crowding or get in the faster folks' way.

[Georges]

Doing

(btw, that should totally rhyme with boing.)

This week's babysteps included getting back into some housework habits, so that Mr.Georges doesn't have to pick up all my slack.

That's really about it.  I didn't work out or run or lose weight or eat particularly well. 

But those babysteps are in the right direction, and I think I'm building a foundation.

 

This week's giant leap (of faith?) was buying a truck.  I'm now in more debt than I ever have been before, for an item that's worth more than anything I've ever owned before (about 2x my car, which I bought outright 12 years ago so that I wouldn't have a payment).  It's a little terrifying, but 16-ish hours after signing the paperwork, it still feels right.  I take posession on Monday or Tuesday, so I don't have any pretty pictures to post.  I do, however, have a "26.2" oval sticker that's going right on that brand new shiny effer.

 

My only regret is that we still don't have 2 legal vehicles until I get the car fixed (again!!!) and inspected.  At that point, I'm going to be crazy-excited about the ability to re-start a social life.  There's some gusto out there with my name on it (probably a couple of miles down a hiking trail)!

 

So, today's plan is to snarl at some bills (done), rock out some housework, and either run or do my first-in-a-long-time bodyweight workout (depending on daylight).

Babysteps will get me there, as long as I take them every day.

[idealistinfire]

Yep, baby steps work well!  And I hear you about the car payment terror - I went through that a couple years ago with my first car.  Hope your workout went well, and glad you're coming to terms with the race feelings

[Georges]

This week was decidingly un-impressive (as baby steps often are) until today, when I finally faced the beginner bodyweight workout again.

I'm not going to go back and look at what I used to be able to do, but here is where I am now:

 

Bodyweight Squats: 10 x 3

Push Up: 1 x 3 (I'll probably fill in with knee push ups next time)

Skipped Lunges, and my knee is probably glad.

Attempted Bodyweight Rows: 5 x 3 (I need to adjust the bar height a little, and "attempted" is because I had just a couple inches ROM.  I may switch back to a raised bar, or add in some dumbbell rows or something.)

Plank: 30 second x 3

Jumping Jacks: 30 x 3

 

It's a start.

 

I've also decided I'm going to have to go back to tracking calories if I want to lose more weight.  I had planned to just see if I could lose weight without tracking between the end of marathon recovery (Oct. 27) and Thanksgiving.  So far, I've put on a couple of pounds.  I think cold weather plus not running (sunset is too early   I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do.) plus financial anxiety and some weird scheduling have all fooled me into thinking I need more food than my body is using.  I wish I could figure out a different way, because I really didn't like tracking.  I'm putting it off until Thanksgiving, in case the weight increase since the marathon is an anomoly, so maybe I'll figure something out by then.

 

I've been mulling Steve's Spontaneity Article over.  My profile feed sums up my conclusion: just because I signed my entire income for the next 5 years away (unless my income changes...) doesn't mean I can't be spontaneous or have fun.  I've managed to in the past, when I was much more financially insecure.  A lot of it had to do with the huge number of free and low cost things I love, combined with the ridiculous amount of outdoor gear I stockpiled back when I could.  It's time to fill my life with things I enjoy doing again.

 

Also, too, since I'm trying to re-structure my daily life and get back on track with food and activity, I think it's time for me to seriously look at the upcoming six week challenge.

[Georges]

Breaking off this thread until December 22.  I'll be over here until then.

[Georges]

Well, then.

I've been mulling over the 6-Week starting on Monday, and I think I'm going to just battlelog it for a while.

Also, it feels superawkward to come back.

[Georges]

During my absence:

This Winter was too awful for me to express how awful it was.  I was cold all winter, I didn't get to see my family enough, I didn't get to see Mr.Georges enough, I worried too much, and I stopped taking care of myself.  Over about 20-25 weeks, I put 20-25 pounds back on.  Depression kicked me hard.  Winter just hung around too long here.

When Spring finally showed up, stress was already running my life. 

In May I worked on taking some control back.

It's June now, and there's a lot of work to do, but I finally feel like I can do it.

 

Some short term goals (~6 weeks, but not doing the Challenge):

-hold to my running training program for the half marathon I'm running on July 13.

-stop overeating, start losing weight

-pick up the slack at home

 

Some medium term goals (~6 months):

- get my weight back to where I was (@ about 20 pounds left to lose, ~145)

- run faster

- develop a healthy mindset about food and body image

- tear down the garage & build the new structure

- install some permaculture

- have a plan in place for a healthier mind this winter

- have a plan in place for a healthier body this winter

- (re?)learn to swim

- bike to the ice cream place (21 miles with hills)

- figure out a plan for work/income

- keep visiting family/friends more than once a month

 

Some long term (>6month) goals

- ...you know... I'm going to have to work on these.  One of the

worst things about depression is how it causes a kind of

temporal tunnel vision.  I've spent so long starting the day by

talking myself into making it through this one day that I've

stopped thinking that far down the road.

 

Anyway.

So, I'm pretty unhappy with where I am at, I'm working hard at

not letting that become unhappiness with myself, and I've recommitted

to changing for the better. 

 

In for life,

georges.

[idealistinfire]

You're back!!!! I'm super excited to see your posts again.  I hear you on the backsliding- this winter was not my favorite either. Got hit with nasty burnout (or finally acknowledged it) so I'm in recover stage now.  Mayhaps we can be recovery buddies

[Georges]

Battle Log 06 June 2014

 

Things that went well today:

I ate pretty rationally.

I made it through the workday.

 

Things that could have gone better:

I redyed my hair instead of running. 

 

Things that went terribly:

none.

 

Plan for tomorrow?

Drive south to see family and/or friends, run a couple of errands, and run.

Eat breakfast so I don't eat irrationally "because of travel."

Bring a bottle of water that I can drink from while driving, so I don't get dehydrated.

Enjoy my day off, even if it's loosely planned.

[Georges]

You're back!!!! I'm super excited to see your posts again. I hear you on the backsliding- this winter was not my favorite either. Got hit with nasty burnout (or finally acknowledged it) so I'm in recover stage now. Mayhaps we can be recovery buddies

I like the idea of recovery buddies!  It's tough coming back and finding a balance between where I was and where I am now.

Glad to hear you're getting back on track too

 

[idealistinfire]

Yeah, I really have to work to not get too depressed by how little (obvious) progress has been made in the last two years.  But its nice to know things get better even when I dont believe they will.

 

Glad today went well

[Georges]

Plan for tomorrow?

Drive south to see family and/or friends, run a couple of errands, and run.

Eat breakfast so I don't eat irrationally "because of travel."

Bring a bottle of water that I can drink from while driving, so I don't get dehydrated.

Enjoy my day off, even if it's loosely planned.

 

Plan Revision:

Don't spend half the day in the car.

Get some stuff done around the house.

Run.

 

 

What Actually Happened:

 

In the YAY column:

Didn't spend half the day in the car.

Got veterinary-type records gathered and filed.

Got most businessy-type records gathered and filed.

Ordered parts to fix our lawn mower.

Made some bread and picked asparagus for dinner.

Did a load of laundry and some general tidying up.

Paid a bill.

 

In the BOO column:

Ate too much snack mix.

Didn't run.

 

Overall, the day was a tie.  I didn't win or lose.

[Georges]

Plan for today:

 

Long run.

Check bank balance/pay more bills.

Make more bread?

Drink plenty of water.

More laundry.

Call my sister.

Pick away at my "Procrastination List."

 

My Procrasination List is all the things on a to do list

that haven't been assigned a chunk of time or a deadline.

I want or need to do them, but they aren't urgent enough

to get done most of the time.  So, when I have a day off, I

take a look at the list and choose what I'd like to get done.

It makes me feel very grown up. 

 

________________________________________________________

What actually happened:

 

I got my long run in.   Flirted with heat stress for most of it.

Got nothing else done.

Ate a bit too much at dinner. 

Got to spend some time with Mr.Georges

Feeling well recovered to face the week

[Georges]

Mondays.  Mondays are rest days. 

 

Plan:

no run

eat properly

drink properly

work

 

 

Tomorrow's plan:

work

eat & drink like a winner

short run

do 30 minutes of housework, at least

pay internet & truck bills

[Georges]

Yesterday went pretty much as planned.  I felt bad about not doing more stuff.

 

Today's plan:

 

work

short (3) or medium (5) run

30 min minimum of housework

bills

food & drink well today

 

I just looked at that list and realized I'm not looking forward to anything today.

On a happier note, it may be a short day at work, in which case, I'll add in something just for enjoyment.

[Georges]

Tuesday:

work yep, did that

short (3) or medium (5) run ran 3.  felt so hard, and went so slow.  did the maths, though, and it was pretty close to the 1oz:1second/per mile slower than last year.

30 min minimum of housework  did some... I don't know if it was actually 30 minutes, though.

bills paid

food & drink well today did "meh, okay" on the scale of "really well" to "awful".  craving salad so much this week

 

 

Wednesday:  worked, came home, didn't feel up to running, so I didn't.  Didn't really eat as well as I want to be eating... not enough veggies & too many grains.

Just felt run down by work and financial insecurities.

 

Today:

Work.  Positive Aphorism for today:  "I don't let other people's emotional unwellnes affect my emotional wellness."  Or maybe "Your crazy shit ain't my problem," if I'm feeling accusatory and defensive. *sigh*

Run. I know it makes me feel better.

Eat well.  Ditto.

I think today is the day that I will pack up my winter clothes and unpack my warmer weather stuff.

Side note:  Running isn't going all that well, but I signed up for another 1/2 in October.  I really want to get speedier between the July one and the fall one.

[Georges]

Today:

Work.  Positive Aphorism for today:  "I don't let other people's emotional unwellnes affect my emotional wellness."  Or maybe "Your crazy shit ain't my problem," if I'm feeling accusatory and defensive. *sigh*

Run. I know it makes me feel better.

Eat well.  Ditto.

I think today is the day that I will pack up my winter clothes and unpack my warmer weather stuff.

Side note:  Running isn't going all that well, but I signed up for another 1/2 in October.  I really want to get speedier between the July one and the fall one.

 

Work was a drag. 

Run was awesome.  Medium length run at just-faster-than-expected-race-pace.  First run in a while where I didn't have to tell myself it was good practice for dealing with asthma or heat exhaustion or dehydration on a run.

Ate well.  I think.  I guess I'm going to have to start logging.  I think I'll try logging foods instead of calories for a bit, though.

Did not pack up winter clothes.

 

I feel like I'm not getting much done on a daily basis.

 

Today:  Friday !!!

Plan:

Work

Short Run

Eat well

Prep for visiting tomorrow

Get something done so I don't get discouraged

[Georges]

I feel like I'm not getting much done on a daily basis.

 

Today:  Friday !!!

Plan:

Work

Short Run

Eat well

Prep for visiting tomorrow

Get something done so I don't get discouraged

 

Worked.  Did my best to stay positive about it.

Did not run.  Have revised my running/training down to 3x/week, with the 4th run optional.  At least for now.

Ate very lightly all day.  Perhaps too much so.

Didn't really prep beyond finding out what time we leave home.

Did not really get anything done. 

 

 

Today is a visit day, with a party involved.

Easy part: having a good day.

Harder part: eating & drinking appropriately.

Motivations: aside from long term goals, tomorrow is my long run.  Much more manageable well fueled.

 

Foods:

coffee.  (will update)

[Georges]

Today is a visit day, with a party involved.

Easy part: having a good day.

Harder part: eating & drinking appropriately.

Motivations: aside from long term goals, tomorrow is my long run.  Much more manageable well fueled.

 

Foods:

coffee.  (will update)

Can't really update the food list, because I just ate whatever I wanted.

It ended up being high calorie snacks instead of a lunch, and a couple beers, and some grilled food, and some junk food, but not as bad as it could have been.

Didn't drink enough water.

 

So now it's Sunday morning, and I'm a bit underhydrated and tired and need to get ready to go run and go visit more and do better taking care of myself today.

 

I need a better balance on the weekend, where I don't try to visit ALL the people, but also don't sit around feeling lonely.

[Georges]

Sunday log:

I didn't run.  I was tired and puffy and trying to be on time.

I did eat and drink better.

I did get to see family and friends.

The only other productive thing I did was stock us up on coffee and a few other things.

 

Today (Monday):

 

I worked.

I bought stuff for salad for dinner later.

I ate junkfood.

I didn't want to run.  I ran a short run.  It was miserable.

I will have a healthy dinner, and continue to keep hydrated.

 

I'm tired and cranky, so that's about all I have to say today.