Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Storm_Ike]

It's extremely easy for me to sneak up on people. Funny thing is I'm 6'1 215lbs. I'm just that quiet. Add that to having Huey Freeman's talent of facial expressions

And I come off as pretty goddamn intimidating. A lot of my friends have told me that I scared them a bit when I first met them. Including two of my Marine friends. 

 

I also have a habit of getting lost in my own head. Its probably an introvert thing. This one time at the mall, I got lost again and scared the crap out of this little Asian woman because I staring at her like a piece of meat. I honestly didn't even notice she was there. She ran off before I could apologize :\

[Zee_]

I'm a seal :3

 

I get so anxious about approaching people & I normally take awhile to convince myself to talk. Plus I run through about 40 million different thing I could say and sometimes I don't end up saying anything. However, I can speak in public fairly easily (with a prepared speech). I'm also very talkative once I've had a few drinks Even to the point of pole dancing in front of strangers (which I would never do while sober!).

 

When I first met my boyfriend he thought I was the strangest person as everything he said I would just laugh at. He's realised that it is pretty much my nervous laugh & only do it when I don't know someone too well and I'm scared to talk to them. It's hard as I'm very self conscious too.

[Machete]

Nine Signs You’re Really an Introvert from Psychology Today

 

I feel like such a mack daddy every time I am able to respond to a cashier's/waitress' attempts at small talk.

[Artinum]

I used to dread small talk. I'm a lot better at it now - some years back, I figured out that it's not about information. It's a game, rather akin to chess. There are opening moves ("Hi!"). There's strategy (getting your points across). There are different styles of play (quiet/defensive, extrovert/attacking play). There isn't usually a winner, though just as in chess it is possible for a good game to leave both players satisfied with the outcome.

 

You can improve your chess game through practice and through learning gambits. Conversations are just the same - new topics, new one-liners, new approaches. A skilled conversationalist can plan their small talk ahead several moves and effortlessly switch from one strategy to another if required, and can easily steer the conversation any way they wish. Sure, you might have to sacrifice the odd witticism to the battle, but there's a great joy in seeing one of your minor topics find its way through to the end of the conversation and blossom into a whole new conversation.

[Machete]

[alienjenn]

It doesn't come across so well here, but I'm a pretty big introvert. I always have been - part of the territory with the Aspergers, really. I find talking to people can be exhausting work, particularly when in groups, and I have always tried to minimise it. Thank goodness for the internet!

 

 

 

I didn't know you were an aspie!

 

youngest son was diagnosed at 8 (he'll be 14 on sunday) and the more I study what makes him tick the more I see myself... (haven't gone for a diagnoses because I wouldn't change anything in my day to day life)

 

 

I have a VERY difficult time talking to people and knowing boundries and reading peoples feelings...

 

 

with close friends and my children I will say "what do you expect from me in this situation".... with strangers I often just don't engage them... at work it's one thing... but outside of work... eh... who neeeds people?

[hblyne]

Hi! Fellow introvert here. It is such a misunderstood term, introversion is not the same as shyness, it is simply about energy exchange. Introverts are drained by social situations and need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts find social time invigorating. I love seeing my friends and if I go too long without social interaction I go stir crazy, but even an afternoon with a dear friend leaves me tired and I need the evening to myself.

 

We need both introverts and extroverts in society, both have really valuable contributions but we live in a society that tries to enforce extroversion upon everyone, extrovert traits are highly valued and introvert traits aren't. The truth is that it is a spectrum and most of us slide up and down it to some degree and then there are the true ambiverts. http://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/the-myth-about-introverts-extroverts-could-you-be-an-ambivert/

 

I love this TED talk by Susan Cain on The Power of Introverts: 

[Artinum]

I didn't know you were an aspie!

 

It's my big scary secret. It says a lot about society as a whole that I generally feel happy to admit my homosexuality but I keep my autism hidden. Actually, being gay is very useful here. If anyone starts trying to unearth my big secrets, that one often distracts them. It's like a prospector digging for gold, hitting a vein of silver before getting to the gold seam and going home happy.

[Hong WeiLoh]

I liked Party of One -- then again I'm a pretentious bastard, so that may be fitting.   

 

Me, I'm weird. I can be that charming-sweet-funny-engaging "serial killer" guy (though it's important to note that serial-killers come in both engaging-charming-narcissistic and extra-creepy-"ronery" flavors), and can talk to most people about most anything -- when I'm in the mood. Trick is, I'm not always in the mood, and am in said mood more and more rarely as the days go on (and I realize more and more that "small talk" these days revolves around American Idol and whatever's trending on Twitter).

 

So why am I posting in this thread? I used to be one of the "introvert" group -- unable to carry on "small-chat"/"social" convo, could not speak in front of even a small group, social interactions both scared and drained me... Now I teach classes, have no problem being the "social serial killer", etc. So what changed? I dunno, specifically, but I can point to a few things that may have helped:

-Body language study. Believe it or not, but actually studying kinesics will help a lot. Not only will you be better prepared to understand the full meaning of someone's words, but you'll be able to better craft your own message and adapt your own body language to bolster your message, or even help re-tune your attitude internally.

-Realize that in "casual" social situations, if the people involved don't already know you, chances are unless you just absolutely hit it off (or make a total jackass of yourself) from the get-go, they still won't know you after it's all said and done. They would probably be hard-pressed to remember a single thing about you (including your name) in a week or so, two tops. They might recognize your face and say "Hey you were at so-and-so's shindig last week, huh? Right, thought so. Nice seeing you again," and that'll prob be the extent of things.

-Learn the Art of Deflection: if you don't like talking about yourself, don't worry! Other people in our awesome me-gocentric modern times are generally mildly narcissistic at best and will love any opportunity to talk about themselves. Just ask them an open-ended question about themselves, and keep asking follow-ups, see how far the rabbit hole goes. This is a multi-benefit, as 1) you don't have to keep thinking of subjects to talk about, 2) you don't have to talk about yourself much at all, and 3) people who like talking about themselves are going to find a way to make the convo about them anyway, so helping them in that endeavor will endear you to them even more.   

 

That's my bitter, Cynical-bastard 2 cents on the subject, anyway.   

[wilkymouse]

I've taken the Myers-Briggs test more times than I can remember (guess part of that was being a psych major) and my letters switch around a lot.  I'm really on the border with T/F and P/J, usually am N over S (but once or twice that's switched), but always I, never E.  I think a lot of people don't realize that I'm an introvert and how uncomfortable I get in certain situations.

In college, I always had people mad at me, and a lot of it stemmed from the introversion.  I was accused of standing in the corner silently judging people while they drank (I didn't drink), but really, I just had no idea what to do with myself and was trying to blend into the wall and escape all the people.  But, put me in my comfort zone and slowly add more people and I was fine.  Roommates didn't get why I was always shut in my room or my mom's office (that was a fortunate escape in those years) and nobody in law school understood why I decided to live alone, when I could get a nicer place cheaper if I had a roommate.

My fiance always says that I'm the worst at introductions.  I know social convention dictates that if I know two people who are strangers to each other, I should introduce them, but I always want them to do it themselves.  But, if I'm meeting someone new, I'm not good at my own introduction.

And then there's my nemesis: The telephone.  I hate talking to people on the phone, whether they are family, friends, or strangers.  I can handle in-person silence, but I feel like it needs to be filled on the phone.  At work, there's a hierarchy that makes no sense and dictates that the newest person always answers the phone (we have no receptionist/secretary/office assistant/whatever now), which mean that I have to answer it.  Ignoring how it's just practically a bad plan (if I'm making a phone call, I can't answer the phone and nobody else will), it gives me huge anxiety.  I've had a few jobs, including my current one, where I have to make calls.  I do everything I can to get what I need without the phone.  But, when I need to call, I have to prepare myself mentally for a few minutes.  It's easier, but it's still horrible.

 

The weird part is, that I don't care about making a fool of myself in public or having single-serving friends (like someone I talk to in the line at a grocery store).  I've talked complete strangers through epic relationship problems in the dollar store with no problem before.  I've done karaoke and danced when nobody else would.  Heck, I tried on a chainmail bikini top at a Ren Faire this week and didn't even think that it could be awkward.  I can turn the charm on when I know I need to.  I'm not sure if this are glitches to my normal state or if they're just exceptions to the rule.  It all kind of works out to a mix of sweet girl-next-door who is up for having fun and being a little wild...but if people know me better, they get frustrated when the true introverted person hides away and isn't always fun for them.
I may not have introversion in the same way or to the same degree as others, but I get it.

[Elastigirl]

Hi! Fellow introvert here. It is such a misunderstood term, introversion is not the same as shyness, it is simply about energy exchange. Introverts are drained by social situations and need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts find social time invigorating. I love seeing my friends and if I go too long without social interaction I go stir crazy, but even an afternoon with a dear friend leaves me tired and I need the evening to myself.

 

We need both introverts and extroverts in society, both have really valuable contributions but we live in a society that tries to enforce extroversion upon everyone, extrovert traits are highly valued and introvert traits aren't. The truth is that it is a spectrum and most of us slide up and down it to some degree and then there are the true ambiverts. http://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/the-myth-about-introverts-extroverts-could-you-be-an-ambivert/

 

I love this TED talk by Susan Cain on The Power of Introverts: 

Love this talk and love even more her book. It really helped me to accept myself as an introvert instead of trying to make myself into introvert.

[hblyne]

And then there's my nemesis: The telephone.  I hate talking to people on the phone, whether they are family, friends, or strangers.  I can handle in-person silence, but I feel like it needs to be filled on the phone.  At work, there's a hierarchy that makes no sense and dictates that the newest person always answers the phone (we have no receptionist/secretary/office assistant/whatever now), which mean that I have to answer it.  Ignoring how it's just practically a bad plan (if I'm making a phone call, I can't answer the phone and nobody else will), it gives me huge anxiety.  I've had a few jobs, including my current one, where I have to make calls.  I do everything I can to get what I need without the phone.  But, when I need to call, I have to prepare myself mentally for a few minutes.  It's easier, but it's still horrible.

I can totally relate to this. I HATE making phone calls. I'm not too bad with receiving them and have excelled in jobs where taking calls was my primary function (once I had settled in and knew what I was doing). I have a bill that I pay manually very single month because it would take making a phone call to set up the direct debit, whereas everything else has been set up online or on paper when e account was opened. But this one bill I pay online every month and have done for YEARS, just so I don't have to make that call!

[StillWaters]

I wish I could show this video to everyone who asks me why I don't smile more, what I'm so angry about, or what has me looking so sad and depressed.

 

[ReaperXIII Sori]

I'm a Unicorn (Rhino)!

 

Not really sure if I'm an introvert, but I know that offline, I'm shy unless I know you and will avoid people as much as possible. Part of my job is getting up in front of people to give a brief and oh my god.... I always have a panic attack before and during it. It was even worse when I worked at the magic shop trying to sell stuff.

I just don't like talking to people and prefer to do stuff alone.

[BalianIronguard]

Official Aspie (essentially my dad's entire side of the family)

 

And... totally a turtle

 

The concept of 'Small talk' is one I've NEVER been good at. It doesn't make any sense to me, and it still doesn't. But I know normal folks like it, so for lack of a less awkward phrase, I've learned how to fake it. Studying body language was an INCREDIBLE epiphany that I hit on about 6 months ago. Being able to have a list of "If this, PROLLY this" helps calm down my lizard brain by giving me a list of rules of thumb. It's still a pinball machine for me dealing with people, but at least I know where the borders and the gutter are.

 

A useful book that I've been reading recently is "What guys with Aspergers want to know about dating, blahblah really long but accurate title".

 

And Machete, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about feeling like a Mack Daddy. Everytime I don't have a panic attack, I feel like a cover guy for Esquire or something

[Machete]

I guess my biggest issue with Autism / AS / Introversion is the fact that it's a label that now covers a rather large community. It's not that I'm a Hipster or anything, I'm just a bit put-off by the people who adopt the pretentious "that's just the way I am" attitude. I'm a member of WrongPlanet (yes, a group of Autistics attempting to interact with each other seems like playing with fire) and the topics eventually mostly boil down to "do you ever feel this way?", "yes - here's how", and sometimes even "my Autism is better than your Autism". I probably shouldn't expect more out of it, since the foundation of the forum was Autism. It would be like complaining about NF people only wanting to compare workout notes. I just don't buy all the "woe is me, I'm an Aspie; treat me special" crap that a lot of the sections at WP revolve around. We are all social animals, no matter how unsocial we make ourselves out to be, and the fact still remains that unless we pull an Into The Wild or are put into an I Am Legend situation (even though most of us probably already feel this way on a daily basis), we are going to have to interact with people almost every day. The entire concept of society revolves around compromise. "Eventually I am going to have to sack-up and order those chicken nuggets by myself." (internal dialogue) I understand that not everybody has had the same opportunities that I had; 10 years of special education does wonders for social adjustment, though I'm still struggling with the normal world. (But I can fake it really well.)  I just don't think we should allow ourselves to be limited by labels. I don't think we should ever stop evolving, or trying to improve ourselves. Maintaining eye contact for one more conversation for the day is a small, hard-earned personal victory for me. And though I will probably never be as smooth as Robert Downey Jr., I'm not going to stop trying. In fitness terms, being a Hard Gainer should never stop you you from training. That's what I think. I read a bit of Nietzsche and I don't believe that a label can be used as a permissible excuse for underachievement. The thread starter, Artinum, is an example of an inspiring introvert success story; wired differently, but still managed to beat the system.

 

I wish I could show this video to everyone who asks me why I don't smile more, what I'm so angry about, or what has me looking so sad and depressed.

 

 

Hahaha. The Bitchface. Our favorite waitress back in Alaska had a bitchface. I know quite a few guys who have a penchant for it. Also, my student back then had a bitchface, but turned out to be the sweetest girl ever.

 

It's my big scary secret. It says a lot about society as a whole that I generally feel happy to admit my homosexuality but I keep my autism hidden. Actually, being gay is very useful here. If anyone starts trying to unearth my big secrets, that one often distracts them. It's like a prospector digging for gold, hitting a vein of silver before getting to the gold seam and going home happy.

 

I use the "watch my left hand while I do stuff with my right". I just put on a bitchface and people just think I'm really unfriendly.

 

Official Aspie (essentially my dad's entire side of the family)

 

And... totally a turtle

 

The concept of 'Small talk' is one I've NEVER been good at. It doesn't make any sense to me, and it still doesn't. But I know normal folks like it, so for lack of a less awkward phrase, I've learned how to fake it. Studying body language was an INCREDIBLE epiphany that I hit on about 6 months ago. Being able to have a list of "If this, PROLLY this" helps calm down my lizard brain by giving me a list of rules of thumb. It's still a pinball machine for me dealing with people, but at least I know where the borders and the gutter are.

 

A useful book that I've been reading recently is "What guys with Aspergers want to know about dating, blahblah really long but accurate title".

 

And Machete, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about feeling like a Mack Daddy. Everytime I don't have a panic attack, I feel like a cover guy for Esquire or something

 

Yup. Haha. I panicked when a waitress asked for my name and I just blurted out "Ben" [Kenobi]. I looked to my buddy, "See that? See, how smooth I am? That's how you do it." (Leaning against a wall, of course.)

[SevenofSeven]

I have one son Aspergers and one who is on the spectrum, I know this, they know this, every step towards diagnosis was discussed with them in length. I will not however use their " label " to justify anything. Due to how our household is, they have learned the ebb and flow of life and all the good, bad and ugly it brings with it, we have tried to reduce the " isms ", so that they may function within a world that will use labels for good and bad, the latest shooting the media made it well known early on the dude was Aspergers, but the world also knows that Susan Boyle is also Aspergers, so they vilify and celebrate this difference but on the whole people still do not recognise it when it is not staring them in the face.

I feel for my boys, but know that I have done everything I could have to make their world better and taught them what it is to be a good person regardless of labels. Ultimately they will have their own decisions to make regardless of labels. I just hope I have taught them well enough.

All of the above probably does not make sense, but I don't like to use labels either.

[BalianIronguard]

Being limited by labels is a BIG pet peeve of mine. The main reason? I can learn to at least dial my "oddities" back a bit. I don't see it as an excuse, I see it as talking to a fitness guy and saying "here's what I'm crap at, here's where I excel", and having a roadmap on what to work on. Certain ways of interacting still seem pointless to me, but for the sake of social contract theory I agree to give up my right to be a pretentious snowflake to gain social stuff.

[StillWaters]

According to the personality tests taken throughout my school years, I am either a tiger or a turtle. They never really showed whether I am a definitive S or N.

[Artinum]

I guess my biggest issue with Autism / AS / Introversion is the fact that it's a label that now covers a rather large community. It's not that I'm a Hipster or anything, I'm just a bit put-off by the people who adopt the pretentious "that's just the way I am" attitude.

I used to work with a guy at work, about 5 years younger than me. He also has Aspergers. While I'm not "out" at work, he's very open about it - and he's rather vocal about it, too. He's baffled by why women don't date him (being overweight and nerdy, but mostly it's because he talks people to death without listening to them) and he's convinced he shouldn't have to change because that's how he is.

I'm constantly amused that, despite our instant rapport, my understanding of his issues and our shared tendency for terrible puns, he's never twigged that I'm on the spectrum.

 

I'm a member of WrongPlanet (yes, a group of Autistics attempting to interact with each other seems like playing with fire) and the topics eventually mostly boil down to "do you ever feel this way?", "yes - here's how", and sometimes even "my Autism is better than your Autism".

 

I'm on Wrong Planet too. I stopped visiting a while back as I got fed up with much the same things. I've recently returned, mostly because it's a good place to get some blog interest going.

 

The thread starter, Artinum, is an example of an inspiring introvert success story; wired differently, but still managed to beat the system.

*Blush*

[redwoodfog]

I am incredibly shy, socially awkward, and introverted. I deal with it WAY better than I used to, in that I actually try to do things socially/connect with people. Still, probably 75% of my efforts towards being more social end in me feeling drained, bewildered, and discouraged.

 

One thing that has helped is accepting that I am incredibly shy, socially awkward, and introverted. Owning it, and kind of laughing (good spiritedly) at some of my more impressive social faux pas. I guess I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be.

 

Wish I could find more gentle, mellow people to connect with.

[joedog]

I'm very much an introvert. I used to handle it by drinking way too much in social settings to try to fit in. I often joke that if text messaging and Facebook had been around when I was a kid, I would have lost the power of speech by now. I find social interaction very draining. I have trouble with small talk. I am getting better at dealing with the anxiety around social gatherings.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[fleaball]

Is it ironic that it's taken me days to post in this thread? I get not wanting to talk to people face-to-face or on the phone, but posting things on the interwebs freaks me the fuck out too. 

 

Somehow I've survived ~10 years working in retail/customer service. What really kills me is forging actual relationships. I don't approach people. I studied abroad a few times as an undergrad and at each orientation I pretty much sat and waited for people to come talk to me, or if I'd seen someone talking to someone else I assumed they were already friends and didn't need to be friends with me. Or something. It makes zero sense.

 

I'm going to England for grad school in September. I'm cool with moving to a new country and with going back to school (okay, a little worried since it's been 4 years), but terrified that I'll hole up in my room the entire year with no friends and no support system. I'm hoping being more social on NF and gaining confidence from working out/losing weight/etc. will translate into being more confident/sociable when I get there. :\ (If not, that's what pubs are for, right?)

[redwoodfog]

Is it ironic that it's taken me days to post in this thread? I get not wanting to talk to people face-to-face or on the phone, but posting things on the interwebs freaks me the fuck out too. 

 

Somehow I've survived ~10 years working in retail/customer service. What really kills me is forging actual relationships. I don't approach people. I studied abroad a few times as an undergrad and at each orientation I pretty much sat and waited for people to come talk to me, or if I'd seen someone talking to someone else I assumed they were already friends and didn't need to be friends with me. Or something. It makes zero sense.

 

I'm going to England for grad school in September. I'm cool with moving to a new country and with going back to school (okay, a little worried since it's been 4 years), but terrified that I'll hole up in my room the entire year with no friends and no support system. I'm hoping being more social on NF and gaining confidence from working out/losing weight/etc. will translate into being more confident/sociable when I get there. :\ (If not, that's what pubs are for, right?)

 

I feel ya. I never approach people... too terrifying. I wait until someone approaches me/initiates conversation, and even then they need to be incredibly persistent for me to believe they may actually want to get to know me. It's such a weird way of thinking, and a total set up for social isolation. It's cool to hear that despite your shyness you've studied abroad and are headed to England for grad school... takes guts!

[Silo]

I am trying to force myself to talk to people more. One problem I have is that I feel like if I look at a person long enough to think of something to say, I'll come off as creepy. It's like I'm not entirely sure how to do it naturally so I second guess myself, probably to the point of being too cautious.

I have a hard time with sales clerks because I generally know exactly what I want so I don't need assistance. When one tries to talk to me I always think they are going for an upsell and I start to get anxious about how I'll say no and they'll probably push and then I'll have to say no again and oh no what if they push again. I go straight to the worst case scenario in my head.