Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Artinum]

It doesn't come across so well here, but I'm a pretty big introvert. I always have been - part of the territory with the Aspergers, really. I find talking to people can be exhausting work, particularly when in groups, and I have always tried to minimise it. Thank goodness for the internet!

 

Couple this with my limited social skills, and I struggled growing up. Making friends was difficult. Small talk was baffling. And I virtually gave up on thoughts of relationships until I finally got myself straightened out.

 

Today - I do pretty well. I'm still an introvert (and always will be) but I no longer look on social situations with sheer terror. I can talk to people at pretty much any level, even in small groups. I've managed to find a relationship that's lasted a decade already. Social skills can be learned, with a bit of effort and a fair amount of courage.

 

I'm guessing I'm not the only one here who has (or still does) struggled with socialising. What about the rest of you? What do you struggle with, what works for you and what would you like help with?

 

(Mods, if this post should be somewhere more sensible, please move it accordingly. Thanks!)

[IrishMartian]

I have good and bad days. Sometimes I feel like I can be charming as hell, other (more common) days I want to be under a rock and the idea of even phoning someone terrifies me. 

 

Its like muscle memory I think, the more you do it the easier it gets, when you don't do it for a long while it seems a lot more difficult. I find 20 second berserker mode a good mindset for getting it out there.

[Silo]

This is me. I am fine one on one or with small groups when I've known the people for quite a while. But with people I haven't known long, it is hard. I was at a work conference a few weeks ago and made myself talk to people more than usual. It was exhausting. I went back to my hotel room and crashed by 9 each night. At work, I have to remind myself to get up and go visit my employees' cubes during the day because, otherwise, I would sit in my office and work all day long without interacting. Fortunately I have one person who has known me for a long time and if I get too hermit-y she'll stop by my office and tell me to get out there. I mean, I can be very conversational and a lot of people probably don't know how introverted I really am* because I make myself put on a certain persona in order to get through the work day. But it is exhausting and sometimes I just don't feel up to it. But I own it and my friends and family know that and we do joke around about it.

 

* True story: I was once at a seminar where we did personality tests. We had to line up according to what score we got on an introvert/extrovert scale. Once the line up broke up and I got back to the group I was there with, I said that only one other person had an introvert score as high as I did. My group asked who it was and I had to say that I didn't know because neither of us had looked at each other in the face.

[Artinum]

* True story: I was once at a seminar where we did personality tests. We had to line up according to what score we got on an introvert/extrovert scale. Once the line up broke up and I got back to the group I was there with, I said that only one other person had an introvert score as high as I did. My group asked who it was and I had to say that I didn't know because neither of us had looked at each other in the face.

 

:-D

 

My social klutziness is combined with something called "face blindness". I cannot remember faces out of context. If people always wore the same clothes and never changed their haircuts, I'd be much better off - but I've managed to lose my partner and even my mother in crowded places before because I walked right past them without recognising them.

 

In your example above, I'd be relating the story to the other introvert and have no idea it was them.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

I have no problem getting up in front of a crowd to do a speech that I wrote or read some other prepared material; that's easy I just have to get from A-Z and just make sure I emphasize the right parts. However it's not uncommon for me to be in a car with someone for hours and say absolutley nothing, even if I have something to say. I can never find the right words to say and when I do try it always comes out wrong and it becomes a 15 minute conversation trying to convey what I meant in the first place with lots of confusion, so basically I don't even try anymore.

[shortstuff]

I feel very much the same and to top it off, I don't follow any thing remotely "mainstream" or current events, so even if I do build up the courage to talk someone half the time I don't because I have no idea what to say, and it's not like I can talk about something like football, although I do find it easier to talk to farmers because I have a general idea of what season it is and a basic knowledge, and can ask how is .... going? And continue talking with them a little bit about farming.

[SevenofSeven]

In my uniforms ( Scout or Ambulance ) I can be assertive, confident of handling any situation, talk to large groups of people, or one on one with patients or parents.

Put me back into normal clothes and I don't know what to say to people, there are no palm cards or training for everyday situations, I basically choke.

I have anxiety attacks walking into an unknown situation with a lot of people, but can head into a strangers house and manage a heart attack or broken leg. I have empathy for patients and their families and can comfort them, but on the street in everyday clothes I can't even look people in the eye, and generally just want to harm people who get in the way of my objective if I actually need to be out of my house.

Introvert playing at being an extrovert when I have props and costumes.

[quilaho]

... part of the territory with the Aspergers ...

Are you officially diagnosed? I had a counselor I was seeing for something else recently tell me she suspects I may have aspergers. I've done a fair amount of reading since then but I don't know anybody to bounce shit off of.

 

I could tell you more about me but all I have to do is point back to your post and say that is what I would write!

 

Most people don't buy the introvert thing, at first. Reason being is that if it's a situation I'm familiar with even with people I've never met, I'm an active participant. Business meetings, seminars, training events and class room settings ... I know exactly what I'm supposed to do in those and, therefore, have no problem stepping out of my shell and being a participant.

 

I have not been to a social gathering that was not work or business related in over a decade, though. I just don't get it. Small talk and conversation ... I just step all over myself. It's completely draining.

[Glacier]

Yes. I'm okay one on one, as long as the other person has plenty to say... but I haven't managed to develop any friendships beyond acquaintance-hood since moving halfway across the country. How on earth does one develop social skills as an adult, when most people expect you to have adult-level social skills already???

[Artinum]

Are you officially diagnosed? I had a counselor I was seeing for something else recently tell me she suspects I may have aspergers. I've done a fair amount of reading since then but I don't know anybody to bounce shit off of.

I was officially diagnosed when I was 13 - about 22 years ago now! I've adapted a great deal since those early days and now I pass for almost normal. I'm amused that I'm open about my homosexuality at work but absolutely no-one there knows about my autism... including a younger chap working there who also has Aspergers.

 

Most people don't buy the introvert thing, at first. ... Small talk and conversation ... I just step all over myself. It's completely draining.

That's exactly what being an introvert is. Extroverts find social contact invigorating - a bit of gossip, a few hours out with their friends, and they're recharged. I suspect they steal this energy from us introverts. Socialising is hard work - keeping track of who's who, what they're talking about, watching you don't break the rules or say something stupid... give me computers any day!

Introverts don't necessarily hate social contact. I'd go (more) insane if I didn't interact with other people on occasion. It's just so much damned effort that I avoid socialising as much as possible.

[Machete]

Diagnosed autistic. This is the most social interaction I've had all week. I hate people as a whole, but I like individuals.

 

Some people seem to think that being "introverted" is just an excuse that nerds and losers use to justify their social maladjustment and lack of guts to be Alpha. "Everyone is supposed to be nervous around strangers or talking in front of a crowd; just sack-up and get over it." Maybe so. That's my problem with labels that don't really have an operational definition. I'm relatively normal. I feel the same normal emotions that other people feel (I'm not a sociopath); I just feel them in abnormal degrees, and sometimes at inappropriate times. I'm merely a bit of an outlier.

 

And yeah, sometimes people seem to use "being introverted" (or even a self-diagnosis of Asperger's, ADD, Dyslexia, testicular cancer) as an excuse to not do something that they have to do, and I think that's bullshit and it cheapens the label as a whole. The air will always be to filled with something. Your body too sore or tired. Your father too drunk. Your wife too cold. You will always have some excuse not to live your life. (Palahniuk)

 

I may just be talking semantics and philosophy here, but I believe that preferring to be alone is what makes makes a person "introverted", and not the other way around (being introverted makes you not want to talk to people - like a Schizoid or something). "Introvert" is a label for a certain set of traits, not a condition. At least that's how I see it. I'm labeled an Introvert, and I like my label. But some people just ruin it for us.

 

 

:-D

 

My social klutziness is combined with something called "face blindness". I cannot remember faces out of context. If people always wore the same clothes and never changed their haircuts, I'd be much better off - but I've managed to lose my partner and even my mother in crowded places before because I walked right past them without recognising them.

 

In your example above, I'd be relating the story to the other introvert and have no idea it was them.

 

All white people look alike anyway.

 

 However it's not uncommon for me to be in a car with someone for hours and say absolutley nothing, even if I have something to say. I can never find the right words to say and when I do try it always comes out wrong and it becomes a 15 minute conversation trying to convey what I meant in the first place with lots of confusion, so basically I don't even try anymore.

 

I've had a roommate for nearly 6 months now. I've said exactly five sentences to him.

 

In my uniforms ( Scout or Ambulance ) I can be assertive, confident of handling any situation, talk to large groups of people, or one on one with patients or parents.

Put me back into normal clothes and I don't know what to say to people, there are no palm cards or training for everyday situations, I basically choke.

I have anxiety attacks walking into an unknown situation with a lot of people, but can head into a strangers house and manage a heart attack or broken leg. I have empathy for patients and their families and can comfort them, but on the street in everyday clothes I can't even look people in the eye, and generally just want to harm people who get in the way of my objective if I actually need to be out of my house.

Introvert playing at being an extrovert when I have props and costumes.

 

Fake it 'til you make it. It's not lying, it's diplomacy.

[Artinum]

Yay! I'm a tiger!

[Prairie]

Most people don't buy the introvert thing, at first. Reason being is that if it's a situation I'm familiar with even with people I've never met, I'm an active participant. Business meetings, seminars, training events and class room settings ... I know exactly what I'm supposed to do in those and, therefore, have no problem stepping out of my shell and being a participant.

 

It's frustrating, isn't it, that people conflate introversion with shyness and/or being anti-social. I even read and article once that distinguished between shyness and introversion, but then went on to use the terms interchangeably throughout the rest of the article. I suspect that introversion might be more misunderstood in the US, where it seems like extraversion is essentially a cultural trait. It seems like there is a critical mass of people who really don't "get" introversion, to the point of pathologizing it. 

[Machete]

One of the bigger problems is that the media perpetuates the stereotype of a serial killer or a sexual deviant. For some reason whenever there's a shooting the news always has to point out, sometimes incorrectly, that the suspect is a so-called "loner".

[Glacier]

It seems like there is a critical mass of people who really don't "get" introversion, to the point of pathologizing it.

Yes. There's one person in my life who especially fusses over me when I say I'm feeling overwhelmed and want to be alone for awhile. I'll say that, and she'll be all, "What can I do to help?" and even email or text my husband to ask if we're okay and does she need to take the kids, etcetera, etcetera... all because she doesn't like to be alone much, so assumes I'm headed for a major freakout whenever I'm just craving solitude.

Machete... yeah. I suppose people who are uncomfortable being alone a lot think the only reason for being alone so much is to keep secrets. But you'd think a society that talked so much about valuing diversity would, you know, actully value diversity?

[IrishMartian]

One of the bigger problems is that the media perpetuates the stereotype of a serial killer or a sexual deviant. For some reason whenever there's a shooting the news always has to point out, sometimes incorrectly, that the suspect is a so-called "loner".

 

Which in reality is the polar opposite, I've met a few serial killers and violent sexual deviants (I'll add violent as I'm pretty sure I qualift as vanilla with sprinkles sexual deviant) during a consulting job for the prison system. They are very open and charming people because that's the mask they wear, they are masters of imitating humanity when they have none.

[SevenofSeven]

Which in reality is the polar opposite, I've met a few serial killers and violent sexual deviants (I'll add violent as I'm pretty sure I qualift as vanilla with sprinkles sexual deviant) during a consulting job for the prison system. They are very open and charming people because that's the mask they wear, they are masters of imitating humanity when they have none.

A very scary insight. ^^^^^

Dexter springs to mind.

[zeloschick]

I'm a panda... sweet!

 

I never knew I was an introvert till I took the Myers Briggs test in college.  But suddenly it made sense as to why during study halls in high school there were times that I just wanted to be left alone in a corner with my book instead of socializing with my classmates. 

I've learned to act extroverted over the years, especially in my professional life, and I can be quite charming when I want, but that doesn't mean I won't go hide in the bathroom at a party to get away from everyone for a few minutes to center myself. 

 

There is an article called "Caring for your Introvert" at the Atlantic.com that is excellent for helping extroverts understand the mindset of introverts.  I'd post the link but the computer is fighting me at the moment. Googling it is fairly easy. 

[Sea Level]

ISTJ here, the turtle! Law-abiding traditionalist! Woot.

 

Introvert playing at being an extrovert when I have props and costumes.

 

Oh yeah. I do public speaking all the time, but I know my audience will go away, and I'll never see them again, which makes it easier. I also wear a costume I put on a façade when I work, and when I go home, I like to have alone time. I do okay with small groups of people I know, but I don't do big parties!

 

Has anyone read Quiet: The Power of Introverts ? Good book.

[Rassidan]

     Personally I choose not to talk to people because I don't generally share many interests with the common american. The only time I find it easy to chat with people is when I find another writer. I much prefer to be left alone to do my work anyways. Add my extreme distrust of people to my introversion and you have the makings of a pure hermit if given the opportunity.

[Machete]

ISTJ here, the turtle! Law-abiding traditionalist! Woot.

 

 

Oh yeah. I do public speaking all the time, but I know my audience will go away, and I'll never see them again, which makes it easier. I also wear a costume I put on a façade when I work, and when I go home, I like to have alone time. I do okay with small groups of people I know, but I don't do big parties!

 

Has anyone read Quiet: The Power of Introverts ? Good book.

 

Hell yeah, same here. One of the problems with armored creatures is although they enjoy added protection they sacrifice their mobility. Humans are pack animals, and they survive by protecting each other. Being armored shows a paranoid organism trying to rely on itself for protection.

 

 

Has anyone ever read this one? It's pretty good starting out, but it turns rather pretentious towards the end. Still a good read though.

 

[tomocalypse]

I have good and bad days. Sometimes I feel like I can be charming as hell, other (more common) days I want to be under a rock and the idea of even phoning someone terrifies me. 

 

Its like muscle memory I think, the more you do it the easier it gets, when you don't do it for a long while it seems a lot more difficult. I find 20 second berserker mode a good mindset for getting it out there.

 

^This. A few years ago I couldn't even talk to cashiers when buying groceries, just communicating in timid grunting noises and avoiding eye contact.

But years of very very VERY slow pushing has led to some pretty serious progression.

And lately bezerker mode has gotten me through a few tricky situations (you know, asking strangers for something, or whatever).

 

Still, if I'm in a group or whatever, I find it nearly impossible to think up topics of conversation, especially with those I don't know that well.

 

Unless I've had a few beers. Then I won't shut up.

Obviously not the healthiest solution, but damn does alcohol make talking to people easier. I actually enjoy it then, instead of wanting to lock myself in my room and communicate purely through the internet.

I can't be the only one to have found that out.

[Glacier]

 

Unless I've had a few beers. Then I won't shut up.

Obviously not the healthiest solution, but damn does alcohol make talking to people easier. I actually enjoy it then, instead of wanting to lock myself in my room and communicate purely through the internet.

I can't be the only one to have found that out.

Definitely not the only one. !!!

[Machete]

Someone said to me the other day, "You need to get out more, man. You and your weights and your protein shakes, that's not life. You need to see the light." I thought it was really funny, and I didn't tell him to fuck off. He is a very social person, and I believed he had nothing but the best intentions for me. I engaged him in conversation; I actually wanted him to change my mind and convince me to life my life otherwise. It turned into a rather deep, and highly humorous conversation involving many other people.

[Artinum]

Alcohol is a dangerous option. It loosens you up, but it also diminishes the quality of the output. One drink used to be enough to get me on stage at a karaoke bar (I sing pretty well, and I enjoyed doing it, but I needed a shove - and I fancied the pants off the DJ at the time). Several drinks would turn me into a dribbling idiot.

 

Given that talking gibberish, walking into things and general insanity is me normally, I've never seen a huge amount of point in getting drunk!