Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[kaelvan]

I'd like to have seasons of freeze your balls off cold, still fucking cold, my nipples arent made of glass anymore cold, and oh wow I only need a hoodie today cold vastly more than anything where you are sweating while outddors or being hot even when you are as naked as is publicly acceptable.

I HATE FLORIDA

You want to switch states, Bekah? You can have motherf***in cold New York with all the snow storms and I'll have swamp-like humid Florida. I'd be really happy. Hate the cold like the plague.

[kaelvan]

Before I forget, I decided to be wild and crazy and made a dating profile on Cupidmatch (is that the name...right?). The idea of talking to girls is already making me really nervous.

 

Omg. What if I weird out all them with my awkwardness? What if they question my past? Or I turn them away when they find out that I still live with my parents? Omg .....well I know one of my goals this challenge; get over my fear of talking to girls, who I might have a chance with.

[TMedina]

Unsolicited dating advice?  Don't think about "I have a chance with" or "she's way out of my league" - just be yourself.  Think of it as meeting new people.  Then wander into the idea of potential romantic interest.

 

I think it's a lot less stressful when you think of someone as just a person you're chatting with, versus tacking on all the worry, self-doubt, and hyper-analysis that goes along with "prospective date" chatting.

 

Good luck!

[kaelvan]

Unsolicited dating advice?  Don't think about "I have a chance with" or "she's way out of my league" - just be yourself.  Think of it as meeting new people.  Then wander into the idea of potential romantic interest.

 

I think it's a lot less stressful when you think of someone as just a person you're chatting with, versus tacking on all the worry, self-doubt, and hyper-analysis that goes along with "prospective date" chatting.

 

Good luck!

I think that's great advice. And thanks

[Rurik Harrgath]

I did the Plenty of Fish thing in autumn of 2013 for around 6 months after a nasty breakup and several months alone.  It went surprisingly well.  Despite what the "manosphere" and media believe, a lot of women really do just want to spoken to politely and treated kindly.  I've mentioned elsewhere here that I tend to favor the 'old school gentleman' in my approach to socializing, and I found that was supremely helpful.  I went on dates just to have a fun evening sometimes, and others for direct romantic interest. 

 

All told, I had a lot of fun.  Just be yourself and let the conversation take you where it will.  Don't stress out trying to carry the date (it's a two-way street) and try to unwind and enjoy yourself.  I tend to avoid the traditional dinner and a movie kind of things because dinner feels like an interrogation and a movie is impossible to get to know someone and gives you nothing but time to think and fret.  Get outdoors if you can, and I've found that people love an unconventional date.  Google date ideas if you want.  Bowling, roller skating, corn mazes, the sky is the limit. 

[Bekah]

I did the Plenty of Fish thing in autumn of 2013 for around 6 months after a nasty breakup and several months alone.  It went surprisingly well.  Despite what the "manosphere" and media believe, a lot of women really do just want to spoken to politely and treated kindly.  I've mentioned elsewhere here that I tend to favor the 'old school gentleman' in my approach to socializing, and I found that was supremely helpful.  I went on dates just to have a fun evening sometimes, and others for direct romantic interest. 

 

All told, I had a lot of fun.  Just be yourself and let the conversation take you where it will.  Don't stress out trying to carry the date (it's a two-way street) and try to unwind and enjoy yourself.  I tend to avoid the traditional dinner and a movie kind of things because dinner feels like an interrogation and a movie is impossible to get to know someone and gives you nothing but time to think and fret.  Get outdoors if you can, and I've found that people love an unconventional date.  Google date ideas if you want.  Bowling, roller skating, corn mazes, the sky is the limit.

I dunno why, but I thought you were married O.o

You want to switch states, Bekah? You can have motherf***in cold New York with all the snow storms and I'll have swamp-like humid Florida. I'd be really happy. Hate the cold like the plague.

  

Nope, I'll just come up there and snuggle you warm (and tell off your mom)

Before I forget, I decided to be wild and crazy and made a dating profile on Cupidmatch (is that the name...right?). The idea of talking to girls is already making me really nervous.

 

Omg. What if I weird out all them with my awkwardness? What if they question my past? Or I turn them away when they find out that I still live with my parents? Omg .....well I know one of my goals this challenge; get over my fear of talking to girls, who I might have a chance with.

Why I dont date (and another 3 zillion other reasons)

[kaelvan]

I can't do movie theaters. I hate popcorn and too scared of them since I know too much what happens behind the scenes. My job ruined the movies for me forever. I won't forcing any of my dates even close to where I work. Best to save themselves. *shiver*

 

I over-analyze way too much. Will need to work on.

[Rurik Harrgath]

I dunno why, but I thought you were married O.o

 

Nope.  I tried the engagement thing once and it didn't work out.  I'm not the easiest to live with.  Too selfish with my Me Time apparently, and prone to bouts of introversion that borders on the insane.

[Artinum]

When I was in California, people described the winter weather where I came from as "life threatening."  What I described and what you responded are pretty much how I responded to that.  I can tell you how to dress for -40°F.  I have no idea how to dress for 104°F.

 

You could come to England. I don't recall us ever hitting -10C, and 30C is a heatwave. But rain is more likely.

I much prefer cold to hot myself. As has been said, you can dress for cold.

[Artinum]

Nope.  I tried the engagement thing once and it didn't work out.  I'm not the easiest to live with.  Too selfish with my Me Time apparently, and prone to bouts of introversion that borders on the insane.

 

That can work out okay - all you need is to hook up with another introvert. Then the two of you can spend long periods alone without bothering each other.

[Bekah]

That can work out okay - all you need is to hook up with another introvert. Then the two of you can spend long periods alone without bothering each other.

I married an inteovert and all he wants to do is talk to me, i guess im better off telling people im a non verbal level of introvert. i talk when im nervous or excited, the rest of the time, just shut the fuck up already

[Silo]

That can work out okay - all you need is to hook up with another introvert. Then the two of you can spend long periods alone without bothering each other.

This sums up my marriage a bit. We spend a fair bit of time together but silent and it's great. I have a higher need for actual alone alone time but he indulges me on that. His days off are during the week when I'm working and our daughter is at school so he gets his alone time easily. To give me time, last weekend he took vacation time from work and they went out of town, leaving me home alone. In the summer they go camping and leave me home. It's great.

[Bekah]

You could come to England. I don't recall us ever hitting -10C, and 30C is a heatwave. But rain is more likely.

I much prefer cold to hot myself. As has been said, you can dress for cold.

I would LOVE England I think, but the logistics of an international move and a totally new culture scare me.

[Bekah]

This sums up my marriage a bit. We spend a fair bit of time together but silent and it's great. I have a higher need for actual alone alone time but he indulges me on that. His days off are during the week when I'm working and our daughter is at school so he gets his alone time easily. To give me time, last weekend he took vacation time from work and they went out of town, leaving me home alone. In the summer they go camping and leave me home. It's great.

I'm SOOOOOO jealous! I just get talked at everytime I'm silent for more than 30 seconds, but I live in hell, both temperature-wise and home environment....you people who knew who you were young and were smart enough to devise a life that fits that, are awesome

[Silo]

I'm SOOOOOO jealous! I just get talked at everytime I'm silent for more than 30 seconds, but I live in hell, both temperature-wise and home environment....you people who knew who you were young and were smart enough to devise a life that fits that, are awesome

Ah, Bekah, I am so sorry Honestly, we were babies who found each other very young (8th grade.) I don't think I actually knew myself too well until my 20s though. It was more like luck than smarts that led to us getting together. Even though we're still happy after 25 years, I still tend to be a bit cynical about most high school romances.

[Bekah]

thanks He always asks me "why do you spend so much time talking and interacting with people online, but you dont talk to me?" and I explain, again, why...and he doesn't like it so he dismisses it and blames me, like I have the capacity to talk to him and just dont....but whatever...I'm making plans for a life that fits me

Yeah, you two are definitely not the norm, but its awesome I just wish I would have known all this before marriages and kids and job failures etc. but that's life right?

I was actually thinking the other day about Nerd Camp and how this is all going to play out and I think that bc nothing is mandatory attendance, that will make it okay. I had an adult leadership camp thing a few years ago where we had 18 hr days of group classes, games etc. and I didnt sleep well and all, and by the end of the second weekend, I was having a meltdown in the bathroom. It was probably the worst social experience of my enrire life and I dont want to repeat that! Jenn, who is similar in temperment, said that Nerd Camp last year was great, so I have hope though.

Did any of y'all go last year?

[Elastigirl]

Ah, Bekah, I am so sorry Honestly, we were babies who found each other very young (8th grade.) I don't think I actually knew myself too well until my 20s though. It was more like luck than smarts that led to us getting together. Even though we're still happy after 25 years, I still tend to be a bit cynical about most high school romances.

This is so me and hubby.We actually are a good match, mainly because we have the same odd sense of humor. But, we were so young and have changed so much. I discouraged my son from having  a serious high school romance.

[Silo]

We haven't really changed. I mean , obviously we grew up, but we are fundamentally the same. I just feel like thst is a one in a million kind of thing. It doesn't normally happen like that.

[Artinum]

People say that an introvert needs to be in a relationship with an extrovert because they "complete" each other. **tries not to puke** An Introvert/Introvert relationship is my idea of an ideal relationship.

 

This is the same kind of thinking as "opposites attract". Sometimes it works out that way, but most of the time we're attracted to people similar to us. Which makes sense, when you think about it - a relationship is usually based on shared interests. If you're dating someone completely different you're going to have an exciting time, but it won't last without some serious compromise.

[Elastigirl]

People say that an introvert needs to be in a relationship with an extrovert because they "complete" each other. **tries not to puke** An Introvert/Introvert relationship is my idea of an ideal relationship.

I think introvert with another introvert is easier.The drawback is we can sometimes just be so comfy in our own spaces that we don't reach out to others enough and make friends. 

[aalex]

I'm Alex and I have terrible people skills as well. Nice to meet you all?

Well, the thing is, I'm not a shy person. I'd actually call myself rather self-confident. I just don't really know how to talk to people. I hate small talk and have a hard time figuring out what is and what isn't appropriate to say. Over the years I've been educating myself and I am currently way better than when I was younger, but I still feel super awkward about talking to strangers (or sometimes even people I know). I usually just do this thing where I giggle and smile a lot and say things I don't mean but heard other people say, you know? One of my issues is also spacing out easily at the most random times. Sometimes I suddenly realize I didn't hear a word the other person just said. It's awful, but I've been making some progress.

(I should also add a doctor once suggested I have Asperger's syndrome, but I was never officially diagnosed with it)

[Rurik Harrgath]

Welcome to the Quiet Haven, aalex.  I'm also bad for spacing out and daydreaming away while someone is talking to me or telling me a story.  I've had to train myself over the years to demonstrate the body language of listening and throw in the occasional "yeah," and "right," in order to make it seem like I'm on point with whoever I'm interacting with.  Thankfully the girlfriend hasn't caught on to this yet, but I can scarcely do otherwise.  I've gotten quite good at multitasking my daydreaming and absorbing just enough of what I'm hearing that I can relate back a tidbit or important fact/date enough that nearly everyone will believe I'm present and accounted for rather than contemplating the new character I want to start on a video game or next Crossfit workout I'll be attending.

 

I appreciate all of the couple input.  I'm currently with a major extrovert who craves socialization the same way I long for solitude.  It's frankly exhausting some days but I made it clear from the beginning that I'm introverted and my alone time is of paramount important.  When I'm having a good day I'll make the effort to go out with a friend or two of hers, and I'll drag myself to major events she has for work or is interested in, but other than that I politely ask to be left out.  For the most part she's fine with that arrangement, but I can see it being an issue down the road.  Which describes all of my relationships to some degree.  I don't do long, long term well it seems, and strangely that is just fine with me thusfar.

[Machete]

"why do you spend so much time talking and interacting with people online, but you dont talk to me?"

 

Because Machete is an absolute delight.

[Bekah]

Because Machete is an absolute delight.

Clearly the reason

[kaelvan]

I would LOVE England I think, but the logistics of an international move and a totally new culture scare me.

Personally I would love the opportunity for living in a new culture for a bit. Then, when I get bored, I move on to the next. The idea of sole nomad always appealed to me.

 

Though the quote of London (when I visited) was

"Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford."

— Samuel Johnson

I kind of can see being true.