Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Machete]

Loud noises, I don't really care for, but sometimes when I'm really engrossed in something I don't even notice. I believe I've slept through several rocket attacks in Kandahar. (I'm also kind of deaf on one side, so that might be contributing to it.)

 

 

I haven't got the guts to wear one, but I will look like that one day and then I might. And I really have to make a sword.

 

Skirts are hard to pull off.

 

[TMedina]

 

 

Skirts are hard to pull off.

 

 

I've found skirts are quite easy to pull off.

[Machete]

I've found skirts are quite easy to pull off.

 

[Texelsaur]

Woo... a thread I can relate to.  It's been on my mind lately how isolated I'm becoming.  Even on the Internet, where I used to be a lot more sociable in the early-mid 2000s, I've lately had trouble connecting with people or integrating into communities.  I either participate on the fringe, or I end up getting trapped in a kind of professional facade.  For example, in the last 4 years I've been playing Minecraft and developed some popular mods for the game, but I've not really connected with anyone on a firstname/username basis.

 

Since animal results are rad, my latest Myers-Briggs result is ISTP.  I'm a strong I/T, weak S, and very weak P.  My previous result was ISTJ.  I guess that makes me one of these goofy snake/turtle hybrids:

 

 

No wonder I'm having trouble making friends 

[Cutebug]

I'm not a fan of loud noises simply because I have sensitive ears. Although I do find a multitude of noises overwhelming. Compared to all the other things that set me off noise is low level.

You guys should check out Misophonia, if you're not already aware of it. 

 

http://www.misophonia.com/symptoms-triggers/

 

It's rarely diagnosed, but I personally believe many many people deal with it daily, to some degree. 

 

For me, the sounds that cause rage/stress are eating, sucking, crunching, slurping, coughing, hacking, spitting. Basically, mouth sounds. If someone eats with their mouth open around me, I want to throw things at them. Heavy things. Maybe even sharp things, like a mace or flail! 

 

I'm super conscious of my own eating noises, and always endeavor to eat as quietly as possible. Some people think it's funny to eat crunchy things right in my ear simply because it bothers me so much -.-

[Yraen]

You guys should check out Misophonia, if you're not already aware of it. 

 

http://www.misophonia.com/symptoms-triggers/

 

It's rarely diagnosed, but I personally believe many many people deal with it daily, to some degree. 

 

For me, the sounds that cause rage/stress are eating, sucking, crunching, slurping, coughing, hacking, spitting. Basically, mouth sounds. If someone eats with their mouth open around me, I want to throw things at them. Heavy things. Maybe even sharp things, like a mace or flail! 

 

I'm super conscious of my own eating noises, and always endeavor to eat as quietly as possible. Some people think it's funny to eat crunchy things right in my ear simply because it bothers me so much -.-

I hate eating noises. Seriously its not that hard to eat quietly. I defiantly know the feeling of wanting to throw things. Also thanks for misophonia info. I really needed something else to worry that I have.

[Cutebug]

Also thanks for misophonia info. I really needed something else to worry that I have.

 

Hey, it's better than thinking you're just weird and you're the only one, which is how I felt for years

 

Now I know it's an actual thing that actual people suffer from and I can direct loud eaters to information regarding it to let them know it's not ok to bully me with loud mouth noises. 

[Rurik Harrgath]

My annoyance at the eating habits of others, specifically chewing with their mouth open, has always made me super conscious of my own eating habits.

 

I've become a very quick, efficient, and quiet eater as a result.

[Jakkals]

While on the subject of eating, I really do not like eating with other people.

 

It always frustrates me when I am sitting alone and eating in peace when people drop everything just to keep me company. And then they just do not shut up.

 

One of the main reasons I solidly hate Christmas is the big family dinners.  

[Snawesome]

My only pet peeve with eating is people clicking the silverware against their teeth. It's obnoxious.

[Zorch]

 

While on the subject of eating, I really do not like eating with other people.

 

I sometimes enjoy eating with other people(holidays are an example), but like any good introvert, when dinner becomes a protracted, unending affair that cuts into my quiet time, I find myself forced to hold back my building inner rage.  Especially when I just want something light and quick and others make that impossible.

 

I'm currently on a business trip to Italy.  If you know anything about Italian dining, they don't start dinner before 7-7:30 or so.  And less than 90 minutes for dinner is unusually quick.  However some of the folks I'm with now make that impossible, because every dinner someone insists on having antipasti, a first course, a second course, and a dessert(if I'm lucky, no one will be obnoxious enough to stretch dinner by another 15 minutes by ordering coffee at 10 PM).  This pretty guarantees that the whole affair will approach three hours and even begins cutting into sleep time.  This is the sort of thing that makes introverts grumpy to a level that extroverts could never possibly comprehend.

 

Don't get me wrong - the food here is fantastic, but I'm at the point where I don't give a f*** how good the food is, after spending 10+ hours around the same people all day at work without a real break, I'd be happier eating McDonald's(even though I don't actually like McDonald's) and having a couple hours to myself in the evening instead of another 3 hours of forced socializing, even if said socializing is accompanied by filet mignon and high-end wine.

 

/end mini-rant

[Rurik Harrgath]

Don't get me wrong - the food here is fantastic, but I'm at the point where I don't give a f*** how good the food is, after spending 10+ hours around the same people all day at work without a real break, I'd be happier eating McDonald's(even though I don't actually like McDonald's) and having a couple hours to myself in the evening instead of another 3 hours of forced socializing, even if said socializing is accompanied by filet mignon and high-end wine.

 

/end mini-rant

 

I was starting to feel that way on my recent trip to England/Scotland.  By the end, I was quite pleased with grabbing a deli sandwich and just enjoying it from the comfort of my own bed, with nothing but the quiet hum of traffic outside to disturb me.  Bonus points awarded if I could retreat to the peaceful oblivion of sleep with nothing but the music on my phone for company!

[soragrey]

How do you know if you're introverted or if you just haven't found the "right" group of people?

 

I think I've always been kind of shy, but it really depends on the circumstance. At work it's totally different for me - I feel pretty relaxed and can joke around with everyone, establish great working relationships with people, and so on. People enjoy working with me (I know because I've been told so!). But outside of work, I feel a little lost. A lot of socializing talk, I've discovered, is about stuff I'm not particularly interested in or is using a mindset I don't particularly want to develop. So for example, people in a certain group of mine will gossip about stuff, or complain about other people. I don't really think like that, and I don't really want to nurture that mindset either. I like talking about ideas, experiences, that sort of thing. Bigger questions. Of course, not all the time, and not all super-serious. But another thing is that I have an ironic, quick, sometimes sarcastic sense of humor that not everyone else gets either. I have people I hang out with, that I'm comfortable with and that I would call friends, but I haven't found my "people" yet.

[Artinum]

How do you know if you're introverted or if you just haven't found the "right" group of people?

 

It's quite possible to be introverted and still want to socialise - it's just exhausting. I find this with work colleagues and social events - even if I like the people and the subject matter, I can't stay focused for too long.

 

But for a straight comparison - if you find yourself tiring after a few minutes of conversation, you're an introvert. If you're not tired but just unhappy, you're in the wrong crowd. But that's just my theory - I don't have much experiential evidence.

[TMedina]

I think Art hit the nail on the head.  Most deeply introverted people are exhausted by others, even folks they like.  If you're not exhausted, but unhappy, you just don't like the personalities.

[Rurik Harrgath]

Most deeply introverted people are exhausted by others, even folks they like.  If you're not exhausted, but unhappy, you just don't like the personalities.

 

This.  I have a couple of good, high quality friends, and a great girlfriend.  But I cannot spend more than a couple of hours around them without feeling social fatigue and needing alone time to recharge.   Even when I'm forced into a large social situation, my head is in the clouds and I'm miles away to keep a hold on my sanity.

 

I can't remember who came up with the term Social Mana, but they really hit the nail on the head with it.

[soragrey]

Hmm. Well, I do find it tiring, and I do need recharge/alone time. But I wouldn't say it's exhausting unless I am forced to interact with a lot of people, like I had to last week for a work conference. A Myers-Briggs test had me at an INFJ. http://www.humanmetrics.com/hr/jtypesresult.aspx?EI=-47&SN=-44&TF=-9&JP=9

[Dusk]

There is a spectrum of introvertedness, too, at least according to the Myers-Briggs test. I am just slightly more introverted than extroverted (I believe the test placed me at 11%), so I am not as tense (for lack of a better word) about social functions and whatnot, but they still exhaust me and make me feel awkward after a while. My boyfriend, however, is 100% introverted, and most of the time he's uncomfortable doing anything social beyond just the two of us.

 

But being in a group of people you don't click with is a whole different animal. Being in such a group will make an introvert out of anyone, in my opinion. And being in a group of people you DO click with and who understand you will make an extrovert out of anyone (or at least make them more extroverted than before). So it all depends.

[Silo]

This.  I have a couple of good, high quality friends, and a great girlfriend.  But I cannot spend more than a couple of hours around them without feeling social fatigue and needing alone time to recharge.   Even when I'm forced into a large social situation, my head is in the clouds and I'm miles away to keep a hold on my sanity.

 

I can't remember who came up with the term Social Mana, but they really hit the nail on the head with it.

 

The part in bold really stands out to me. I usually refer to it as going to my happy place. I may be in a group but I'm not necessarily engaged during times like these.

 

I pretty much have my husband and daughter who I can be around for long periods of time. A lot of that is because they also will be quietly absorbed in whatever it is that they are doing for long periods of time. When either of them start talking, I'll be engaged for awhile and then I will suddenly just need quiet. It is far easier to tell my daughter that it is time for quiet time than it is for me to say such a thing to my husband (especially since he doesn't get super talkative very often so it seems really rude to ask for quiet on the rare occasions when he does.) 

 

Our extended family (our parents and sisters and their husbands/kids), I like perfectly well but the bigger groups are just a bit much after a certain amount of time. I am certain that most of them think that I have some sort of digestive problems because I will always retreat to the bathroom for a bit of quiet time about 2-3 hours into any visit. My sister knows that I am just going off for a little break and will usually say "I've got this, go on upstairs."

 

Other large groups are kind of meh for me. If I know one or two people and can stick to hanging out with them within the bigger group, I am fine. If it's a group where my husband knows people and I don't, I tend to go to my happy place. A few months ago we went to a bowling fundraiser for one of my husband's coworkers. I had met the officers with whom we shared a lane several times over the years and I probably talked more to them that night than I had in the preceding 12 years that he's worked with them. My husband came home a few days later and said that one of them said that he didn't know I ever talked before the bowling thing.

[Rurik Harrgath]

My boyfriend, however, is 100% introverted, and most of the time he's uncomfortable doing anything social beyond just the two of us.

 

That sounds familiar.  My girlfriend would surely make the exact same remark about me.  Any advice for her based on your experiences (that don't involve dragging me kicking and screaming to social events)?

 

The part in bold really stands out to me. I usually refer to it as going to my happy place. I may be in a group but I'm not necessarily engaged during times like these.

 

I require regular visits to my happy place or I go insane.  Simple as that.  It's just better for the universe at large.

[Dusk]

That sounds familiar.  My girlfriend would surely make the exact same remark about me.  Any advice for her based on your experiences (that don't involve dragging me kicking and screaming to social events)?

 

Hm. Well, my approach with my boyfriend has been one of acceptance. I ask him if he wants to do x, y, z thing, and while I do explain what that thing will be like and encourage him to come along, I don't force him to and I understand if he doesn't. Granted, sometimes I do get a little disappointed, but I try to always remind myself that we are very different people and I don't want to force him into situation/activity he genuinely doesn't want to be in/do. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if it happened the other way around. And besides, being slightly introverted myself, I am quite content with the quieter activites too (*cough Netflix-binging cough*).

 

Does that sufficiently answer your question?

[Rurik Harrgath]

[fitnessgurl]

Panda-girl here. Crowds freak me out. I'm much better socially than I used to be; but find too much time with people drains me. Which is especially daunting now that I must return to work.

[Doe]

Had a long talk with my boss, I almost quit last week.  I had it up to here with his "intimidation as encouragement" and his assumptions about my silence and lack of knowledge. I had been thinking about it for awhile, my thoughts were all organized.  I think our job used to have mostly extroverts but since I started more introverts are here in the last year and they're starting to have the same problem. So I let him "have it" so to speak. The sum result was nice raise and him calling me "silent but deadly" - gonna take that as a compliment. 

[Leafa]

Had a long talk with my boss, I almost quit last week.  I had it up to here with his "intimidation as encouragement" and his assumptions about my silence and lack of knowledge. I had been thinking about it for awhile, my thoughts were all organized.  I think our job used to have mostly extroverts but since I started more introverts are here in the last year and they're starting to have the same problem. So I let him "have it" so to speak. The sum result was nice raise and him calling me "silent but deadly" - gonna take that as a compliment. 

 

I think most introverts have this almost hidden power, that once you've been pushed far enough, you push back, like really push back. It's happened to me before as well during group projects when one person isn't pulling their weight. I remember I had a team member once in a competition who called his role "recon" when he was actually just socializing with friends in other teams. One day he left us in the middle of a meeting and we decided that we had had enough. I chased him down and chewed him out for not doing anything, and then we sat him down and he wrote the entire report himself. He later told me that I was scary when I was mad, which is still pretty funny to me because I look like the most nonthreatening person you'll ever meet.

 

Something I dislike about the common working style is we value extroversion over introversion, and we mistake silence for not knowing an answer. Just because someone talks the most and the loudest, doesn't make their ideas the best or they're the hardest working.