Help with husband

[crazyjerseygirl]

Is there any way to encourage someone to try exercise?  Husband refuses to go to the gym (it's free in our complex) stating that he's too tired after work.  I get it, i really do, but so was i and i still go all the time.  Getting going helps!

 

He says that walking hurts his back, that weights aren't for him and that he will start swimming once the pool is open, but he didn't so much as wade in last year.  He keeps saying work is an issue, and he is looking for another position with more flexable hours, but he's a lawyer, the hours will NEVER be good.

 

i am happy that he has made some better food choices, but he still orders pizza once a week like it's normal and eats a juice glass of dark chocolate every night because it's a "healthier option"

 

Honestly, I am at my wits end.  He is obese, about 350lbs.  We have an almost 2yo and i know that I'm not in the best shape but damnint I have to try if only for the little guy!  He talks about wanting a second kid.  I don't know if I can agree to that if things don't change.

 

I've shown him NF and he is disinterested, or at least acted so even though he was/is an avid gamer.  He has started gaming again, maybe it's a good time to introduce him to NF again? 

 

I dunno, I just love the man and I want him to be around for a very long time.  I could give a crap if he remained the same weight or what-have-you, but I need him to be healthy for me and for Smushie.

 

 

ETA: I should add that he is extremely supportive of my attempts at health, so he is not a negative nelly in that respect!

[RisenPhoenix]

Honestly, if he doesn't want to do anything, there is pretty much nothing you can do that'll change his mind.  It has to be because he wants to change, not because you want him to change.  Now, should his decision take into account your feelings and opinions?  Probably.  But trying to force him will likely demotivate him more than motivate him.  Keep eating healthy yourself, keep exercising yourself, do fun, active recovery things that include him.  Slowly he'll likely come around once he sees your results.  But again.  He needs to do it by himself.

[crazyjerseygirl]

Honestly, if he doesn't want to do anything, there is pretty much nothing you can do that'll change his mind.  It has to be because he wants to change, not because you want him to change.  Now, should his decision take into account your feelings and opinions?  Probably.  But trying to force him will likely demotivate him more than motivate him.  Keep eating healthy yourself, keep exercising yourself, do fun, active recovery things that include him.  Slowly he'll likely come around once he sees your results.  But again.  He needs to do it by himself.

I know, i know.  And trust me, the logical side of my brain sorta knows all of this.  But the feely side is killing me.  I want to do this with him so bad and meh.

He is in the same boat as me.  Fat all his life, so I get how hard it can be, but I dunno.  i think i'm hoping for a short-cut that dosent exist

[Haikoo]

I'd have to agree with RP, crazyjerseygirl.

 

If he doesn't *want* to do it, really there is nothing that you can do. Bugging him about it may just make him resentful and less likely to jump on the band wagon. Honestly, the thing that worked best for me was just leading by example. As I got more results and became more healthy, hubby became more interested and started becoming more active. There is still a long way to go, but the changes have been positive. I feel the same way-- I love him, no matter what, but I want him to be around for the long haul. I don't want to be left alone in this world too early--especially with 3 kiddos. 

 

Lead by example, don't nag/preach at him if you can avoid it (believe me I know how difficult that can be) and show him how happy a healthy lifestyle can be

 

He will come around!!

[Agdoof]

Mine's not exactly a marriage situation and I can already see problems with my idea, but you could get more involved in fitness to the point of where you become significantly less available. At one point I was a fairly avid runner and I would be out of my house pretty often. My sister and dad started to miss having me around the house as much, so they decided to start running with me. It didn't last a very long time, but they got started at least!

[thiscolincampbell]

I have to agree- all you can do is "stand in the light" yourself-- maybe if he sees your progress he will get inspired.  I really hope things work out!

 

As a side note, I am in Jersey too! Trenton, to be exact.  Woot!

[Lammis]

I would start with the food issue.  I mean, you can't outrun your fork, so to speak.  If you're eating healthy, he'l probably be getting on board with that first.  Who brings home the chocolate?  If it's him, then you can't stop that, but if you can...maybe it would be an OK place to start?

 

One pizza a week isn't a huge issue, but what's getting eaten the other 6 days?  If you're not a jerk about it, but just making sure you're eating healthy, and the kid is eating healthy, then just make the food at home that is available healthy options.  See if that makes a difference.  

 

And yes, you do have to try for the little guy!  He's going to model his eating and exercise habits after you, and now is the time to make the biggest impact!  

 

Everyone else has said what I want to say about the exercise.  Do your thing, see if it doesn't rub off once he sees positive change.  Good luck, we're all here to support!

[DerekP]

I don't know of anyone whose success story starts, "My wife cajoled me in to losing 80 pounds and hounded me in to getting to the gym 3 times a week, and I've kept the weight off for 2 years".

 

By and large, people don't make a change until they're ready. They have to find inner motivation. You don't make a change until something clicks and makes you say, "I can't do this any more".

 

Some people never get there. Some do. Being overweight and physically lethargic (not lazy) helps create a mindset that change isn't possible.

 

First, a person has to be hopeful that change is possible, without that hope it's very difficult to even want to do it - to even begin to believe that they can do it.

 

Second, you have to want to do it. Losing weight isn't as hard as most of us convince ourselves, but it takes effort. Without inner motivation you don't even get started, much less stick with it.

 

If a person is in the habit of believing that change isn't really possible it's often a sign of depression. Being overweight is often a symptom of depression. And that hopelessness combined with eating to stabilize your mood is a ruinous combination for health. Not sure if that's an issue with your husband, but it's a definite possibility.

 

As much as you love him, you can't let his weight become your burden.

[CutePixieDancer]

Try just inviting him to go with you with no expectations for him to actually do it. When I pester my hubby to go or to go with me to workout he dig his heels in like a stubborn teenager and refuses to go. If I change my attitude and phrasing a bit he is more likely to go with me. I mean it is not 100%. He still has to want to. When I go, and he sees me excited about it, it helps him want to go to. Also try to help him find something he likes to do. I got my hubby into crossfit and he loves it.

Be patient, he'll get there.

[Rpage1977]

^{As a husband, to a great woman (btw), I can tell you only what would motivate ME to workout more.}

 

^{There are two ways to a man's heart.  His stomach and his....}

^{Now, the Bible tells us that we shouldn't withhold ourselves from our spouses.  HOWEVER, if my wife came to me and offered MORE, it would motivate me to get up and do a little extra in the gym/road.  I am just saying...}

[Baronvaile]

I have to agree with the others; that you won't be able to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. In my shoe's; I would start to think about what you would do with out him. How are you set on life insurance covering him, and his investments? That might get his attention!

 

If he does not have time to work out after work... how about before? In the end; he has to want to make a change. I hope he is not content to be a absent father lost away in games.

[HandbellChick]

I don't have kids, but I have a hubby that is incredibly supportive of my attempts (even though I'm getting back on the wagon for the 100th time) but often does not do so well himself.  One thing I've been trying to do while the weather is still nice (I live in New England, so we're starting to run out of time on this) is to go to one of the local parks and take our dog for a walk.  It gets us moving (which is always better than nothing).  If you bring your kid hopefully he'll have so much fun running around and playing your hubs will want to join.  Hopefully once he sees that exercise is not a chore or a duty but can be fun maybe he'll warm up to the idea.  But like the others have said, you can't force him.  I do hope he realizes how important taking care of his health is so he can see your child grow up.  Best of luck!

[dijos]

I have to chime in here. AFter my wife had our son, she got big, and I got bigger. about a year afterwards, I got even bigger. I remember losing some weight, and the scale said 240 after that. 

 

her job was running a biggest loser contese, so we started weight watchers, hard. she provided all of my food, so I ate better out of laziness. there was no snacking in our house, so those were gone. We started going to the Y, because there was child care. 

 

I have never stopped since then, about 5 years on the journey now. at some point, the fire was lit. My concern was never losing weight, but getting stronger. I remember that I couldn't lift my son over my head @ 25 lbs. I was 35. I couldn't walk up stairs. I just wanted to be functional again, not skinny or huge. 

 

if my wife didn't nudge me on the path, I would not have started. 

[PolishRifle]

I know its an older thread but from a father's perspective its something that you have to find in yourself to encourage change.  For me its the desire to keep up with my kids and be an active father.  In the last year I had 2 times where I was told my blood pressure was a tad higher than the normal range, something I never had issues with in the past.  My weight got to an all time high of 230lbs, and I noticed myself breathing a little heavier after running up 2 flights of stairs to check on a crying baby when I was in the basement.  It was all these little things that added up to the realization I'm out of shape and that if left unchecked would prevent me from being active with my daughters to the level I want to be.  

 

Your husband will have that trigger moment at some point hopefully before there are any serious complications and you just need to be ready to help him when he decides its time for a change.

[PettyMort]

I'm in a similar boat, with a slightly more complicated story. My boyfriend and I met on a cycling trip, and we were both in pretty good shape at that stage. But as a result of poor organisation of the trip and (long story that wasn't his fault at all) he ended up being held in cells at a police station for two weeks in Japan. No, really - it's a long story. TL;DR he was released with a clean record and didn't have to pay the fine.

 

Anyway, to keep his mind off the misery he did a lot of bodyweight stuff while he was there, and lost a ton of weight. But the moment he was back, he started drinking more, eating more, and generally having a '%#$@ the world' attitude to his health. It's partly depression, partly wanting to comfort himself with food, being tired from work, etc. 

 

Meanwhile, when we went to the US to visit his family for a month, I gained a TON of Mexican Fast Food weight, and I joined Nerd Fitness about a month after we got back when I realised that even my "Fat pants" were getting too tight. Since then, I've been getting fit slowly and steadily and he's been really supportive of me in all the right ways. 

 

I just really, really wish he'd join in, and get in shape himself. He knows he's out of shape, and has said things like "I'm fat" etc, but he's not really doing anything about it. When I suggested he work out, he said he didn't want to because he associated bodyweight etc kind of workouts with the two weeks he spent in Japan, and it triggers his depression. 

 

We're moving in together in a couple of months and I really hope that my healthy eating habits carry over, and as I cook for us, he starts getting a bit healthier too. But I'm terrified that the opposite is going to happen; I find it really hard to stay on track when I visit him on weekends and we go out to restaurants, drinking, eat junk food... So far all I can do is order the soup or salad and hope. 

 

Anyway, that's our story. And he's the most wonderful person I've ever met, so it's also coming from a place of "I want this wonderful person to stick around". So, I'm following this thread in the hopes of any more advice pouring in. I'm considering writing him a letter about how much I love him, and why I want him to be healthy, but I'm scared of ambushing him.

[PolishRifle]

Being in control of the cooking will help, I do all the cooking and grocery shopping in my house and have made very small changes like using more olive oil than butter, rice and sweet potatoes over instant mashed potatoes, and lots more veggies.  For fitness I told my wife I wanted to do yoga for some stress relief in the evenings and ask her each night if she wants to join me.  Most nights she does and I let her pick what area to work on.  She likes back stretching and twists and the nights she declines I work on lifts and inversion and more strength yoga.  Just find things you like to do together.  If you met cycling and both enjoy it still go out for a casual ride together. 

[yllwrssr4me]

PolishRifle,

 

Start going out and doing things that you want to do, bring the kid, go hiking, go to the gym, walk the mall in the winter, go on special shopping trips to buy healthy foods (farmers market) and serve more healty foods . .  .the list goes on . . . but make sure you invite him to every single activity, if he says "i dont want to go" act like its somewhat of a deal but not a huge deal, go have fun, return from said activity tell him it was soo fun and soo awsome . . . repeat for the rest of time or until he starts to join you.  BY doing healthy active fun stuff your impropving yourself and your family, he will eventually join you or at least start making changes so he can join you in the future.

 

Also stop or limit unhealthy activities, make sure the nights he normally orders pizza you have dinner already planned/ new food to serve. Have fruit or alternatives  ready for him instead of his chocolate. mabey have your kid loose the controllers to his video games,

 

 

I'm in a very similar situation and it takes a lot of effort on my part not to get mad at BIG Daddy Rose, his choices are his own but I try to offer him a lot more healthy options, sometimes it works and we pick apples allday, but sometimes he stays home drinks beer and eats pizza.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I'm a new dad and it kicked in for me right away. The father is obviously the biggest male influence in a child's life, the father teaches them what is is to be a man through example alone. For boys this influences who wnad what they think they should be. For girls, this influences what they look for in a man later in life. I want to be a shining beacon of what it is to be a man for my daughter and hopefully future kids. When I find myself copping out, I try to remember that what I do and how I hold myself and how I'm viewed matters to more than just me now, it's going to partially steer my kid's life and the person they become.