Depression

[cracked_belle]

Since quitting my addictions (been almost 2 years now), I notice how unfulfilling my life is. I'm trying to fix it, but I notice I starting to hit a wall again.

Maybe if I finally stop being such a pushover. As well as, finally leave and do what I want to do with my life and be me for once (kinda hard living a lie).

let me know if you need any encouragement in this. )

Could use some.

it shall be done.

[kaelvan]

Anyone else have random few days of feeling like shit and pop-up addiction every once in a while? I notice I have that. Why sound like I was going to end it all. I notice it my flare ups getting further and further away from each other. Surprised didn't try punch someone again (like did few times).

 

So sorry everyone for being very depressing

[Hit]

 

 

Anyone else have random few days of feeling like shit and pop-up addiction every once in a while?

 

yup. it feels lame to say but i have "triggers" (yes like those ones you read and/or laugh about on tumblr) and if they get tripped then i plummet down. its why self harm is a big issue for me, because i can use it rather effectively to snap out of that spiral. but its also not a great coping strategy so im trying to find healthier means of pulling myself up, but i havent found anything nearly half as good as that yet. 

[kaelvan]

Yeah I had to hide my knife during my episode just in case

[Candace Koller]

Hiding never worked for me. I'd just find something else to use like a glass item. I could never get rid of all the sharp things.

I think everyone has triggers, just some people are better at identifying what those are than others. My biggest one right now is probably how useless I am. I can't hold a job and when I try I just end up breaking down and in the hospital which costs us more than I ended up making. We're buried under credit card debt and my husband wants to go back to school and I can't help with either. I feel completely pathetic. I want to be able to contribute and be a part of the solution instead of the problem.

[kaelvan]

Hiding never worked for me. I'd just find something else to use like a glass item. I could never get rid of all the sharp things.

I think everyone has triggers, just some people are better at identifying what those are than others. My biggest one right now is probably how useless I am. I can't hold a job and when I try I just end up breaking down and in the hospital which costs us more than I ended up making. We're buried under credit card debt and my husband wants to go back to school and I can't help with either. I feel completely pathetic. I want to be able to contribute and be a part of the solution instead of the problem.

When I didn't have anything to cut with, I use to just scratch my skin to death (actually was worst than cutting scarring-wise).

 

Slowly getting over my uselessness. Manage to made it through my semester without trying to hurt myself, so I guess it's a step. Not sure want to go back though.

[Candace Koller]

I've done the scratching as well. I haven't gone back to college and honestly I think I'm better for having made that choice. I needed to focus on myself and my mental health, not school. I'd rather be me than what others want me to be and college is not something I want. Maybe I will later but it will be my choice, not pressured into it. When I did go back after my major meltdown I just ended up caving under the pressure again and in the psych ward for a suicide attempt. It's better to know your own limits than let others try and set them for you and better to live your own life than let others tell you how to live it. I think many people don't know the difference in giving advice and putting pressure on people.

[kaelvan]

I've done the scratching as well. I haven't gone back to college and honestly I think I'm better for having made that choice. I needed to focus on myself and my mental health, not school. I'd rather be me than what others want me to be and college is not something I want. Maybe I will later but it will be my choice, not pressured into it. When I did go back after my major meltdown I just ended up caving under the pressure again and in the psych ward for a suicide attempt. It's better to know your own limits than let others try and set them for you and better to live your own life than let others tell you how to live it. I think many people don't know the difference in giving advice and putting pressure on people.

Yup get lot of pressure because the arts aren't real career.

[Candace Koller]

I think something like 1 in 3 people don't end up with jobs in their major field anyway in the States. Not sure if you are in the US or what the odds are for other countries but generally life rarely seems to take people where they had planned and prepared to go in my experiences. Makes things more exciting that way.

[kaelvan]

I think something like 1 in 3 people don't end up with jobs in their major field anyway in the States. Not sure if you are in the US or what the odds are for other countries but generally life rarely seems to take people where they had planned and prepared to go in my experiences. Makes things more exciting that way.

I find college to mostly be useless. All the fluff courses you have to take. And all the money you waste on textbooks they never use. I hate it.

[Artinum]

I find college to mostly be useless. All the fluff courses you have to take. And all the money you waste on textbooks they never use. I hate it.

 

There's something in this. Unless you're aiming for a particular field - say, law or medicine - most college/university degrees are actually fairly useless. I have forgotten most of my BSc Mathematics. But this does not bother me - I gained a lot more from learning to live on my own for three years and organise my own time and money. To be honest, I did pretty badly at all of those things. And it's good to screw them up in a fairly safe environment...

 

Other things I discovered - my homosexuality, that I didn't want to do mathematics any more, the wonders of the internet, and that I'm actually not that bad at this writing lark. I also gained fast but illegible handwriting and a fair chunk of student debt.

[kaelvan]

There's something in this. Unless you're aiming for a particular field - say, law or medicine - most college/university degrees are actually fairly useless. I have forgotten most of my BSc Mathematics. But this does not bother me - I gained a lot more from learning to live on my own for three years and organise my own time and money. To be honest, I did pretty badly at all of those things. And it's good to screw them up in a fairly safe environment...

 

Other things I discovered - my homosexuality, that I didn't want to do mathematics any more, the wonders of the internet, and that I'm actually not that bad at this writing lark. I also gained fast but illegible handwriting and a fair chunk of student debt.

Yeah I been striving for veterinary science, but I really hate chemistry too much. I really want to quit school, but too afraid to deal with my parents (still haven't registered for classes next semester).

 

I've discovered my original thought of college was right, I want to be an artist (one things I wanted to be as a kid), I need to get of my parents' house, and I'm too much of people pleaser (too afraid of dealing with conflict).

[Candace Koller]

I think a lot of parents push college because back in their day a college degree equaled a guaranteed job. Now though, not so much. At least not here. It can actually keep you from getting a job because you seem "overqualified" for it in some cases.

It sounds like kaelvan is still living at home while doing college unless I misunderstood things. That doesn't give the same benefits of leaving home and learning to live on your own unfortunately. Have you thought about going to an out of state college as maybe a compromise between what you want and what your parents want, kaelvan? It would give you a chance to experience things like Artinum is talking about and then deal with a little less control fromn your parents.

[Candace Koller]

I think a lot of parents push college because back in their day a college degree equaled a guaranteed job. Now though, not so much. At least not here. It can actually keep you from getting a job because you seem "overqualified" for it in some cases.

It sounds like kaelvan is still living at home while doing college unless I misunderstood things. That doesn't give the same benefits of leaving home and learning to live on your own unfortunately. Have you thought about going to an out of state college as maybe a compromise between what you want and what your parents want, kaelvan? It would give you a chance to experience things like Artinum is talking about and then deal with a little less control fromn your parents.

[kaelvan]

I think a lot of parents push college because back in their day a college degree equaled a guaranteed job. Now though, not so much. At least not here. It can actually keep you from getting a job because you seem "overqualified" for it in some cases.

It sounds like kaelvan is still living at home while doing college unless I misunderstood things. That doesn't give the same benefits of leaving home and learning to live on your own unfortunately. Have you thought about going to an out of state college as maybe a compromise between what you want and what your parents want, kaelvan? It would give you a chance to experience things like Artinum is talking about and then deal with a little less control fromn your parents.

Yup. I once lived on campus, I ended up in a really bad controlling relationship. Took off for a year after that. Too scared to live on that campus again.

[Candace Koller]

That makes plenty of sense. I would be too. I remember many times just dreaming of taking off somewhere completely new and seeing what happened. Never had the guts to do it. I still think about it sometimes but I have too much tying me down to do it now. Part of me wishes I had done it when I had the chance but the ole status quo is contented that I just stayed put. I think trying to be logical has always been my biggest barrier to freedom.

[kaelvan]

That makes plenty of sense. I would be too. I remember many times just dreaming of taking off somewhere completely new and seeing what happened. Never had the guts to do it. I still think about it sometimes but I have too much tying me down to do it now. Part of me wishes I had done it when I had the chance but the ole status quo is contented that I just stayed put. I think trying to be logical has always been my biggest barrier to freedom.

Sounds about right for me.

 

I have this dream of becoming a nomad. I read so many blogs on it. It apparently doesn't take much money. I can't seem to take the plunge. Too scared to upset my parents.

[Hit]

Theres never an optimal time, there always things tying you down. If you want to go do something, go do it! Whats the worst that could happen?

Except crushing isolation, poverty and personal loss?

What im saying is - its easier to fix your life in a stable situation then to run away and join the proverbial circus. It sucks, but its the truth.

[kaelvan]

Theres never an optimal time, there always things tying you down. If you want to go do something, go do it! Whats the worst that could happen?

Except crushing isolation, poverty and personal loss?

What im saying is - its easier to fix your life in a stable situation then to run away and join the proverbial circus. It sucks, but its the truth.

I would join the circus. *raise hand*

[Artinum]

I have this dream of becoming a nomad. I read so many blogs on it. It apparently doesn't take much money. I can't seem to take the plunge. Too scared to upset my parents.

 

It's a scary prospect, but it's only going to get harder as you get older. You'll accumulate stuff. You'll be tied down in a job/career. You may even end up with a mortgage, a partner and children. Nomad dreams then will be virtually impossible. By the time your children grow up and you're free to travel, you'll be in your sixties and travel will have its own perils.

 

Yes, your parents will be upset by you striking out on your own. It's a terrifying moment for any parent. I've not lived with my mother for the best part of two decades, and she still worries about me. But if they don't let you do that, they have failed as parents.

[Hit]

My friends trying to join the circus - the entrance exams are not easy at all :/

[Hit]

My friends trying to join the circus - the entrance exams are not easy at all :/

[kaelvan]

It's a scary prospect, but it's only going to get harder as you get older. You'll accumulate stuff. You'll be tied down in a job/career. You may even end up with a mortgage, a partner and children. Nomad dreams then will be virtually impossible. By the time your children grow up and you're free to travel, you'll be in your sixties and travel will have its own perils.

 

Yes, your parents will be upset by you striking out on your own. It's a terrifying moment for any parent. I've not lived with my mother for the best part of two decades, and she still worries about me. But if they don't let you do that, they have failed as parents.

I have way too much stuff already, especially books.

 

I'm not a huge into kids. I rather have cats as my children.

 

 

My friends trying to join the circus - the entrance exams are not easy at all :/

Yeah I heard about that. So much for running away to the circus lol

[Artinum]

Agreed on the cats. Our little feline is the only child we ever wanted...

[Leimanu]

21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations Of Depression

 

 

Baby steps.  I was 360 when I got here. I lost 60 pounds over a year.

 

This, this right here; I took a picture of and got through 3/4 of a spartan race, despite being 300 pounds last sunday

I kept it in my shirt pocket the whole time.

 

You're amazing!

 

That makes plenty of sense. I would be too. I remember many times just dreaming of taking off somewhere completely new and seeing what happened. Never had the guts to do it. I still think about it sometimes but I have too much tying me down to do it now. Part of me wishes I had done it when I had the chance but the ole status quo is contented that I just stayed put. I think trying to be logical has always been my biggest barrier to freedom.

 

I'm kinda doing that right now.  It's really tough and there's been a whole lot of triggers.  There's even the possibility of having to live out of my car.  During the day, that's cool.  But at night?  Where am I gonna park it and be safe?  Where can I pee?  My stuff is all packed up and hard to get to.  I've realized during this how important actually having a place to live is.