Depression

[Machete]

Yes, but I eventually realized (a few years later) that I was being treated like a teenager because I was acting like a teenager. It took me a bit of honest self-appraisal there.

[MichiruSedai]

One of my parents does that.  I deal with it by not talking to that parent unless it's unavoidable.  Not too hard since we have half the US between us.

[MariahSnow]

Having a particularly tough day today. Not sure why really, just general blah-ness.

 

Teared up on the ride to work this morning listening to "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys which is a beautiful song, but I don't think I'm supposed to cry about it.

 

I forget where but back a bunch of posts someone talked about how you actually feel vs. how you "should" feel. It's so true. So I feel fucking sad today, and I miss the people in my life that have died, and I'm scared that in 2 years I'm going to be 30. And I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I probably should feel excited and awesome and proud, but I just don't. So there, lol.

[Machete]

scared that in 2 years I'm going to be 30. And I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I probably should feel excited and awesome and proud, but I just don't. So there, lol.

 

[Toxophilite]

Having a particularly tough day today. Not sure why really, just general blah-ness.

 

Teared up on the ride to work this morning listening to "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys which is a beautiful song, but I don't think I'm supposed to cry about it.

 

I forget where but back a bunch of posts someone talked about how you actually feel vs. how you "should" feel. It's so true. So I feel fucking sad today, and I miss the people in my life that have died, and I'm scared that in 2 years I'm going to be 30. And I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I probably should feel excited and awesome and proud, but I just don't. So there, lol.

 

I wish there was a better word for that blah-ness. People are always asking me how I feel and I just say something like 'meh'.

[Candace Koller]

Meh is a common word in my dictionary too. Some people don't understand that you don't necessarily have to feel sad to be depressed. Sometimes you just can't care about anything.

[Hit]

"frustrated and apathetic about it" ?

[kaelvan]

Meh is a common word in my dictionary too. Some people don't understand that you don't necessarily have to feel sad to be depressed. Sometimes you just can't care about anything.

Or anger for that matter. My depression is just a clusterf*** of anger and boredom.

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Anyone have the problem of their parents still treating them like a stupid little teenage? And how do you deal with it?

 

Mine did that. I never found a healthy way to deal with it. Eventually I started slacking on household chores because I figured that if I wasn't going to be treated like an adult I had very little incentive to act like one. (Part of that was also due to lack of motivation being part of my depression, but my psychiatrist agreed with me.) Which got me in trouble. That situation definitely fueled my depression.

 

My mother is only starting to realize that I'm an adult now that I've moved out and am doing very well--better than I was before--doing things my way. The only advice I can really think of is to continue acting as non-teenagery as you can--then when your parents pull that crap you'll have a list of things you have been doing correctly to defend yourself with.

[kaelvan]

Mine did that. I never found a healthy way to deal with it. Eventually I started slacking on household chores because I figured that if I wasn't going to be treated like an adult I had very little incentive to act like one. (Part of that was also due to lack of motivation being part of my depression, but my psychiatrist agreed with me.) Which got me in trouble. That situation definitely fueled my depression.

 

My mother is only starting to realize that I'm an adult now that I've moved out and am doing very well--better than I was before--doing things my way. The only advice I can really think of is to continue acting as non-teenagery as you can--then when your parents pull that crap you'll have a list of things you have been doing correctly to defend yourself with.

Mine refer to me as fragile (because you know I'm actually a vase), so I must be told what to do. And best when I'm told "I have YEARS until I leave my house since I'm not missing much in the world". Which isn't true because I AM missing out on a lot like dating, traveling, and having a social life. My home is so great to fix my depression of being belittled.

[MichiruSedai]

right now my son is with his dad, his gf (who he cheated on me with during our marriage) and her kids, and I am laying here in bed feeling like shit.  it's been over two years and I still hate how much my life got blown apart and how shitty a job I am doing at picking up the pieces.

 

I am sick of being a single mom.  I hate that he fucked up but he still gets to have a partner while I have to be alone.

 

I want to drink a lot.  but i'm cutting back on alcohol so don't have any.

 

I can't kill myself because that would hurt my son.   but I hate my life.

 

 

sorry to pour my depression all over the thread but I have no one IRL to talk to anymore.

[kaelvan]

right now my son is with his dad, his gf (who he cheated on me with during our marriage) and her kids, and I am laying here in bed feeling like shit.  it's been over two years and I still hate how much my life got blown apart and how shitty a job I am doing at picking up the pieces.

 

I am sick of being a single mom.  I hate that he fucked up but he still gets to have a partner while I have to be alone.

 

I want to drink a lot.  but i'm cutting back on alcohol so don't have any.

 

I can't kill myself because that would hurt my son.   but I hate my life.

 

 

sorry to pour my depression all over the thread but I have no one IRL to talk to anymore.

Well that is the reason we have this forum.

 

I have no clue what to say since I'm bad at comforting people.

 

How about this cute puppy gif

[Ocelot]

sending love msblt82, it will get better.

[kaelvan]

Why not, invest in the dammit doll. And pretend it's that sob.

http://www.dammitdolls.com/

Because smacking things around can really help.

[hblyne]

Massive hugs msblt82. It's really hard. My husband cheated on me too, repeatedly, with multiple women. I found out well over 2 years ago and it still hurts every single day. Being a single mum is so, so hard. I have two boys under 6. The CRAZY thing is, despite saying regularly that I hate him, I don't. Maybe it would be easier if I did. I hate what he did, and I don't love him any more, there is no way I would take him back. But no, he's still my best friend and we are still connected because of the boys and because I built my life around him for 15 years. Some days I wish it would all just go away. All that pain, all that regret and grieving for the loss of the future I was expecting. You are not alone. We've got your back. Never be afraid to express your feelings here, it's safe and you will be listened to.

 

I'm having a shitty time. I think I'm going to go back to my GP. I need some help.

[Candace Koller]

It's been 2 months since I wrote anything in my blog but I'm finally writing again. This is a pretty big achievement for me. Partially I stopped writing because I had hit a rough patch but part of it was a person in my life had gotten to me in a way that made writing very difficult. 

 

It took a while but I'm finally realizing that by not writing due to this person I was letting them control me. And that was preventing me from using the coping skill I have found to be one of the most useful I have. No wonder things got rough.

 

Anyway, I'm posting this because I could use a place to brag about it. It's a pretty big achievement for me and I feel good about it. And feeling good is so rare lately that I want to hold on to that for as long as I can.

[MaD MaLKaV]

It's been 2 months since I wrote anything in my blog but I'm finally writing again. This is a pretty big achievement for me. Partially I stopped writing because I had hit a rough patch but part of it was a person in my life had gotten to me in a way that made writing very difficult.

It took a while but I'm finally realizing that by not writing due to this person I was letting them control me. And that was preventing me from using the coping skill I have found to be one of the most useful I have. No wonder things got rough.

Anyway, I'm posting this because I could use a place to brag about it. It's a pretty big achievement for me and I feel good about it. And feeling good is so rare lately that I want to hold on to that for as long as I can.

Good reads. Thanks for letting us know and putting some of yourself out there!

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

It's been 2 months since I wrote anything in my blog but I'm finally writing again. This is a pretty big achievement for me. Partially I stopped writing because I had hit a rough patch but part of it was a person in my life had gotten to me in a way that made writing very difficult. 

 

It took a while but I'm finally realizing that by not writing due to this person I was letting them control me. And that was preventing me from using the coping skill I have found to be one of the most useful I have. No wonder things got rough.

 

Anyway, I'm posting this because I could use a place to brag about it. It's a pretty big achievement for me and I feel good about it. And feeling good is so rare lately that I want to hold on to that for as long as I can.

 

Yaaay! I agree, you SHOULD feel good about it! And might I suggest a bit of righteous smugness as well?

[Korranation]

My life feels like its going nowhere and yet there's so much shit going on.

 

I've been in college for four years now and have no sign of having a degree anytime soon. I use to be in engineering and I thought that if I just stuck it out with the terrible classes I would finish. But I hated every second of it. So I switched to accounting. But the college of business is even more strict. My gpa wasn't doing great and I had a slight hiccup in a class. Afterward, my adviser told me I had a chance of being exited and that I could petition to stay in accounting but if they didn't accept the petition I had little to no chance of getting any degree. So I ran to multidisciplinary studies to focus on business course and raising my gpa, but last semester my adviser there messed up my classes and I got stuck with random sociology courses I never care to take, which further screwed up my gpa. I'm trying to get things in order. I figured that if I took full time this semester and got all A's that I would have the grades to get back into the college of business and finish my degree by next summer. 

 

Now the only problem is my family. I still live with my parents since its cheaper and they live less than ten minutes from campus. But somehow I got stuck doing all the work. I take out the trash and recycling, do all the cooking and cleaning, and run most of the errands. And still get treated like shit. There are only two reasons why I stay: my dad and my sister. They mean the world to me. And for some reason I would feel bad leaving them there with my stepmom and stepsister. My stepmom does nothing around the house. All she does is complain about everything. And my stepsister is no better. I'm convinced she  is a narcissist. She lies, manipulates everyone, and cries to get what she wants. She thinks she is better than everyone else. She says so to me everyday. She is extremely selfish and will break into my room and steal what she wants. Although she has been caught multiple times doing so she is never punished for it and I somehow get the blame. 

Two years ago I was in a car accident and was in a wheel chair for three months. During that time I would hide in my room and barricade the door when she got home because the first thing she would do was steal my wheel chair and walker as a joke and I would be stuck wherever I was at the time until someone else got home. She still thinks its funny and reminds me about it constantly. 

 

I don't know what to do anymore. 

[Artinum]

DubiousChi, there are two kinds of depression. Many of us have an internal kind, where we occasionally switch into a depressed state and struggle to do anything. The triggers are often unclear and we simply have our peaks and troughs and do what we can when we can. What you're describing is an external depression - it's damned obvious to you what's making you miserable, and it's not a fault in your brain chemistry or some such.

 

In my opinion, the best thing you can do here is get out. The rent may be cheap, but you're paying for it with a lot of extra work - and your sanity, which is too high a price. Get out of there, find your own place. How you do that and how you pay for it, I don't know. But make it a priority. You are NOT responsible for your family members - your father and sister can make their own choices, and they must. You cannot make their decisions for them. Who knows? Perhaps you leaving will be a spur to them making a change to their own lives.

 

As for college - why are you at college? What are you looking to do? If you don't have a field in mind, you aren't studying for a particular career. You are spending your time and money on a college course that you don't seem to actually want to be doing. Are you attending for the right reasons?

[Korranation]

DubiousChi, there are two kinds of depression. Many of us have an internal kind, where we occasionally switch into a depressed state and struggle to do anything. The triggers are often unclear and we simply have our peaks and troughs and do what we can when we can. What you're describing is an external depression - it's damned obvious to you what's making you miserable, and it's not a fault in your brain chemistry or some such.

 

In my opinion, the best thing you can do here is get out. The rent may be cheap, but you're paying for it with a lot of extra work - and your sanity, which is too high a price. Get out of there, find your own place. How you do that and how you pay for it, I don't know. But make it a priority. You are NOT responsible for your family members - your father and sister can make their own choices, and they must. You cannot make their decisions for them. Who knows? Perhaps you leaving will be a spur to them making a change to their own lives.

 

As for college - why are you at college? What are you looking to do? If you don't have a field in mind, you aren't studying for a particular career. You are spending your time and money on a college course that you don't seem to actually want to be doing. Are you attending for the right reasons?

 

 

I've been planning to move out for a while. Its just a matter of securing a job or room&board loan/scholarship. I'll hoping to finish up the semester and get things in order over the summer for the move. 

 

At first I just went to college in hopes that the first major I picked would be the best one. Even though I knew that wouldn't be the case. I am getting my degree in accounting. That is for sure. I've enjoyed those classes more than the others that I've taken. My grandpa, aunt, and uncle all have accounting degrees and pursue completely different careers. I've talked with a lot of professors and career counselors and they have all said the same thing, the sky is the limit and you'd never be without a job. If I stay on track with my classes I will have my degree by summer 2016. I have done a lot of networking and can find a job/internship while I work to get my CPA. The hiccup I mentioned about my classes was because of my grandmother. She was in the hospital after a fall and I wanted to spend time with her. She passed away last month. I know I didn't have my priorities straight at the time, but I don't regret my decision. I enjoyed spending the time I could with her. 

[Candace Koller]

Some colleges will remove a class grade and let you take it over in those kinds of circumstances if you speak with your advisor. We had a friend commit suicide and speaking with an advisor got the resulting poor grade scrubbed for my husband. It's not a guarantee but it may be worth inquiring about.

[Ataraxia]

I got severely depressed and nearly committed suicide a few months back, and still struggle.  It helps to understand what is happening to you, though.  I realized with the help of the NF forum that I suffer from gaslighting from my spouse.

 

link 1

 

link 2

 

I kind of re-realized that many months later today.

 

I have a great workout program going now and that helps me.  I also have a lot of great things going on in my life.  I just have this black hole in my life called "my marriage" which continues to be the major source of my despair.  There are some times I'm happy, but it feels like I'm still being weighted down by manacles even when I would otherwise be on top of the world.

 

Sometimes I tell myself to just pretend I'm not in the marriage but single-and-uninvolved and just living my normal self-confident life-- to just to try to get back to normal so I can have the perspective to more maturely try to deal with the problems.  I don't know if that is right or wrong.  It sure is hard to forget.

 

I don't know how to face him about the gaslighting.  I think he is deluding himself, perhaps as much as he is deluding me.  I find myself forcing laughter and fake happiness and I am disgusted.  Yet there is a voice that says "fake it until you make it."  Again, I don't know what's right.  This is not right.  But I don't know how to make it right.

[Toxophilite]

How long has this been going on for? Was it the whole time you've been married or a recent thing? I wouldn't dream of trying to justify abuse (mental or physical) but maybe there's something going on with him that's altered his mood and he might not realise how he's affecting you.

 

If you think it's really serious and it's not going to get better then you should get out. I've known someone who stayed with their partner just because it seemed easier and it slowly destroyed their life. Stay safe.

[Ataraxia]

Thanks.  It's one of those things that distorts your perception of reality, so I'm not really sure.  But I imagine it's been happening since around the beginning, or maybe it's a learned behavior.  I wonder if he really has any idea he's doing it.