Depression

[Leimanu]

My depression hit real bad at the tail end of this challenge, and I"m in a deep hole, and have no one to talk to  (new to area), so I'd like to share here.  

 

It's all there: spiral thinking, on the edge of tears, emotions right on the surface, loss of interest, lots of over sleep and over eating, walking around like a shell.  I have absolutely convinced myself that I'm not doing my job properly and I will be fired.

 

I have looked at my health insurance to find a therapist around here.  It's a little hard because of the way they get categorized, and being in a rural area: Mental Health Therapist, Psychiatrist (no psychologists), behavioral health center.  There's many terms and I haven't had to seek out a therapist before - just went to the county office and one gets assigned based on my availability.  It's not like finding a hair stylist: "So, who's your therapist?"

 

I've found a couple and made a couple phone calls today so hopefully I can set something up.  

 

I just hate how this keeps coming back.  My resiliency is nill.  Hopefully I can find someone who will help with the thinking, but those thoughts have made some super-deep ruts.  Deep, ancient ruts, like these made by chariots in Pompeii:

 

[kaelvan]

Funny how my parents told me I was going to f*** up without my meds and guess WHO did *sigh* I can't win in this house.

[Artinum]

I should probably have known this bout was coming. I started the week feeling energised and positive - much more so than normal. I put it down to a week off work but I think it was just an upswing before the drop.

 

Perhaps a shorter, more direct blog post would be a better idea than the monster that's been trying to be born so far. I may need to euthanise this one anyway - it seems to be getting ranty.

[Machete]

[Tixnleeches]

It's funny how quickly things can change for me.

 

I've never been truly happy about anything in my life, however I was doing really good recently. Until I ran into someone (at work) who went to the same middle school as me. That lead me down memory lane, which lead me down depression lane. Thinking about all the things I did and should have done different, all the experiences I missed out on, how much better my life would be. Fuck you depression. Now I'm getting sad over stupid shit, like a tv show.

 

I literally went from being decently happy to depressed in 7 hours give or take.

[Leimanu]

^^ I agree, it  sure does come fast.

 

My big thing is looking at the past and being regretful, so I empathize.  What do you have going on in the future?  Are you work towards something or looking forward to something?

[Tixnleeches]

I'm trying to work on the future and make things better, trying to finish my degree and start a new job that I'll like but it seems so far away and there are so many obstacles!

If I did things differently in my past I would already be where I want to be for 4 years lol I guess it's never too late but I wish I could change the past so much. They say the past is what's makes you what you are today so why change it? My response is, I have nothing worthwhile enough in my life at this point to keep the past the way it was.

Future progress:

Step 1 - pay off 13,000 in debt from a car loan.

Step 2 - take out student loans

Step 3 - switch to registry/quit my job

Step 4 - locate cheaper place to live (preferable on my own)

Step 5 - finish school (38-40 more credit hours to finish my degree)

Step 6 - find new job

Step 7 - get experience in new job

Step 8 - accept a traveling job offer

Step 9 - see the world and find a place I want to live

[Leimanu]

Well, you're in school, and there's nothing but potential there.  

 

A lot of people feel lost after college and don't know what to do with their degree, but you know what you want and what kind of degree you need for it.

 

Your steps looks great and realistic.

 

Y'know, it's so easy to see potential in others, and we're the hardest on ourselves.

[Tixnleeches]

That's true, right now the depression is stemming from lost time. I've spent so much time screwing around and procrastinating that I feel as though I've wasted a huge portion of my life.

The procrastination is still there (especially when school is involved) and that needs to change so I don't waste anymore time. I'm only getting older and my life isn't anywhere close to where I want it to be. No degree, dead end job, only been to 3 states (including the one I live in, non-productive hobbies, pool of friends are dwindling into non existence, no girlfriend (or even prospects/dates) for over 2 years.

Just so many things I wish I could change but I don't know where to start.

[kaelvan]

So basically my life is becoming small living hell (my parents making more out of nothing and blowing it up out of portion). Funny how I'm not breaking down like usually would happen. My parents decided we don't need to talk to my old therapist together, which they suggest. They don't want to hear about their bullshit. Fun having my parents telling me I'm going to end up in another hospital. I think they don't understand if I end up in another hospital (highly doubt it, won't allow myself), they will be completely cut off from my life. I seriously want to punch my mom in the mouth every time she say it. And of course, I'm going to change attitudes when you start the bullshit. *grrr*

[Stonie]

So basically my life is becoming small living hell (my parents making more out of nothing and blowing it up out of portion). Funny how I'm not breaking down like usually would happen. My parents decided we don't need to talk to my old therapist together, which they suggest. They don't want to hear about their bullshit. Fun having my parents telling me I'm going to end up in another hospital. I think they don't understand if I end up in another hospital (highly doubt it, won't allow myself), they will be completely cut off from my life. I seriously want to punch my mom in the mouth every time she say it. And of course, I'm going to change attitudes when you start the bullshit. *grrr*

 

Aww, Kaelvan, if I could I'd adopt you. What your parents are doing to you sounds very abusive, and I admire your strength to deal with it for sooo long. 

Is there anyone or anywhere you can possibly get to where you can have a night, or even longer away from them without them knowing you're getting away until you're gone? I know, maybe not. But that's all I've got. Stay strong!

[Machete]

So basically my life is becoming small living hell (my parents making more out of nothing and blowing it up out of portion). Funny how I'm not breaking down like usually would happen. My parents decided we don't need to talk to my old therapist together, which they suggest. They don't want to hear about their bullshit. Fun having my parents telling me I'm going to end up in another hospital. I think they don't understand if I end up in another hospital (highly doubt it, won't allow myself), they will be completely cut off from my life. I seriously want to punch my mom in the mouth every time she say it. And of course, I'm going to change attitudes when you start the bullshit. *grrr*

 

You working on moving out?

[Leimanu]

Yeah, you just need one champion in your corner.  Got a cousin/aunt/friend or someone else you can stay with for a few days, extended stay, maybe.  Breathe some other air for awhile.

 

I do community outreach for a community health center.  Every county in the country has one.  Do a search, see where your county's is, and find out if there's an outreach person to connect you with local groups who could suit your needs, not just depression, but finding ways to get independent or something.  The community health center may even have behavioral health or know of support groups.

[Fearkiller]

I flee things to games and books, as always, and it doesn't help. The schoolthings build up and bring a lot of stress.

And then I play some more. And it doesn't help. I don't want to solve things, I want to get f#cking rid of them.

So I start looking to suicide as a solution. I might be an addict or just fleeing things.

Either way, there's shame and fear and self-judgement.

 

How can I tell the teacher this? It makes no sense. As in it's not acceptable. Everyone else? Fine. Me? Quit that sh*t!

What if I can't say the words right? What if I'm not understood? What if she judges me? I would judge myself, I fear she will too.

She's a good person, I am fairly certain she won't hate me, but I am scared.

[Nefiros]

I can't be the only person who wants to stab people in their stupid faces when, after noticing that you are feeling down and shitty at everything and everyone, they tell you "it could be worse" and then proceed to tell you how it could be worse. Like seriously, I'm feeling shit enough as it is and you have to remind me how bad it could be? How is that ever gonna help me feel better?? /grumble grumble

[Leimanu]

I can't be the only person who wants to stab people in their stupid faces when, after noticing that you are feeling down and shitty at everything and everyone, they tell you "it could be worse" and then proceed to tell you how it could be worse. Like seriously, I'm feeling shit enough as it is and you have to remind me how bad it could be? How is that ever gonna help me feel better?? /grumble grumble

 

I always thought it was weird to cheer up on others pain.  Yeah, don't go in that direction.  Emotions aren't a competition.

[Artinum]

Hi everyone. I'm going to resurrect this ancient thread with a bit of a weird question. I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, so this could be a bit of a ramble. Bear with me.

 

I was diagnosed many years ago with Aspergers, which tends to give me a somewhat unusual view of the world around me. I don't know how to process emotions - mine or other peoples - and I have developed a complex social interaction system to cover for all the stuff I don't know. It works fine in most normal situations. It doesn't work so well in large groups, and it's useless in a crisis or a non-standard gathering like a funeral. But the upshot is that no-one really knows how I'm feeling because I respond with socially acceptable responses and simulate positive emotions.

 

I've wondered for some time now whether the fake me, which has grown larger and more complex over time, is now all that's left. Is there still a "real" me inside all that? But if there isn't, who's asking the question?

 

But getting back to the main point - I've been prone to bouts of depression since I was a teenager. It's never good to realise that life is fundamentally meaningless; doing so when you're also putting up with puberty and discovering (very slowly) that you're homosexual was rather a lot at once. But these periods tend to pass fairly quickly once I've found something new to distract me.

 

This is different.

 

For a long time now - six months, maybe longer - I've lost all enthusiasm. For pretty much anything. I can simulate it for others; I can get temporarily excited about a new project or some problem that needs solving, but it doesn't last. I just feel... empty. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to end - I have no urge to kill myself; I don't really want to die. I just don't want to live either. It all seems pointless. I have no dreams to pursue, no goals. The Academy wants me to find my "big why" but I simply don't have one.

 

Because I don't process emotion like "normal" people, I don't know whether this is just how depression works for some people. I'm wondering whether I should look into medication, but I'm not sure how my Aspergers will impact on any treatments. I don't want to make things worse! Can anyone here share any experiences like this?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I don't suffer from Depression Artinium. Having said that, what I understand about the condition suggests that it isn't really an emotional issue, it's much more the complete lack of desire to do anything you described. I'm betting a practitioner who knows a bit about people with Aspergers would probably be able to help you with the depression.

[Machete]

6 hours ago, Artinum said:

For a long time now - six months, maybe longer - I've lost all enthusiasm. For pretty much anything. I can simulate it for others; I can get temporarily excited about a new project or some problem that needs solving, but it doesn't last. I just feel... empty. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to end - I have no urge to kill myself; I don't really want to die. I just don't want to live either. It all seems pointless. I have no dreams to pursue, no goals. The Academy wants me to find my "big why" but I simply don't have one.

 

Because I don't process emotion like "normal" people, I don't know whether this is just how depression works for some people. I'm wondering whether I should look into medication, but I'm not sure how my Aspergers will impact on any treatments. I don't want to make things worse! Can anyone here share any experiences like this?

 

Pretty much. Same. However I don't know it I'm of any help for a "normal" POV because we're running on essentially the same operating system. I'm also rather terrified of medication. I feel like I'm always, on my best day, walking a tightrope of barely being able to keep my life together. I tried supplementary prohormones once and they seemed to make me more moody than usual. I've been contemplating dying since I was 10, but no real thoughts of suicide except for that one time when I was under a lot of prolonged stress and also happened to be on a long cycle of antibiotics (leading me to think about all this gut health stuff). I don't want to die, but in some instances I didn't find myself actively trying to fight it either. (It could also be my severely delayed reaction time though.)

 

No idea either, mate. I find myself incapable of planning for a future; I'm pretty much just waiting to get old. Or not. I do have dogs though whom I have grown rather attached to, and who would not be able to understand why I didn't come home that day if I didn't. They give me something to do every day, feed, walk, pick up poop, throw balls, rinse, repeat--their neediness distracts me from the seeming futility of existence.

[Guzzi]

 

15 hours ago, Artinum said:

For a long time now - six months, maybe longer - I've lost all enthusiasm. For pretty much anything. I can simulate it for others; I can get temporarily excited about a new project or some problem that needs solving, but it doesn't last. I just feel... empty. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to end - I have no urge to kill myself; I don't really want to die. I just don't want to live either. It all seems pointless. I have no dreams to pursue, no goals. The Academy wants me to find my "big why" but I simply don't have one.

 

This^^^.  I have been there, for probably close to a year.  There just seemed no point.  My thoughts were slow and sluggish, like someone had packed my brain with cotton wool.  I didn't actively want to kill myself but if I could have simply stopped breathing then I would have.  I would have hit the OFF switch and been grateful for it. 

 

For me it turned out that I had a strain of Coxsackie virus which had been affecting me for some time. 

 

Coxsackie is not a single virus but a group of viruses collectively referred to as Coxsackie viruses. There are approximately ~29 different viruses that are classified as "coxsackie". The Type A Coxsackie virus commonly causes the hand, foot and mouth disease and the Type B group usually causes more serious conditions. There are numerous disease conditions that can be caused by coxsackie viruses and they are listed below.

Conditions Caused by Coxsackie

Symptomatic Coxsackie virus infection most commonly results in a nonspecific illness with fever. Asymptomatic Coxsackie virus infection can also occur and together with nonspecific febrile illness, they constitute nearly 9 out of 10 cases of coxsackie virus infection.

Less commonly, Coxsackie virus infection can result in more severe disease conditions like meningitis, encephalitis, paralysis, myocarditis, pericarditis, diabetes, rash conditions (hand, foot and mouth disease), etc.

 

I'm sharing this because there is always the possibility that there is an underlying issue that is causing your depression too. I know it's unlikely, but it's worth getting checked out, just in case. 

 

15 hours ago, Artinum said:

Because I don't process emotion like "normal" people, I don't know whether this is just how depression works for some people. I'm wondering whether I should look into medication, but I'm not sure how my Aspergers will impact on any treatments. I don't want to make things worse! Can anyone here share any experiences like this?

 

I dont know how depression affects other people but for me I have experienced different levels of depression with different symptoms(?).  I have never again felt like I did while I was in that deep depression where I just couldn't care about anything.  I've been in a hopeless pit where I couldn't see any way forward and was in floods of tears, I've been listless and unable to drum up enthusiasm for anything, I've had times when my body clock has been messed up and I would be awake all night then sleep during the day.  For me depression is a sneaky little bugger that can creep up on you wearing a different face so you don't realise what it is until it's too late. 

 

As for antidepressants, I am on them right now and I have only had positive results.  I know your situation is different but for me, they've been a game changer.  I was in a bad way (emotionally) and since taking them I've been able to get on top of my depression and actually feel good about life again.  I had a hard time getting over the stigma of taking antidepressants, because that would be like admitting that I really did have depression, stupid huh?  I've completely shaken off that ridiculous thinking now though.  

 

The one thing I would really strongly advise is that you explain your situation fully to a medical professional.  They will understand what you do and why, there will be no judgement.  And unless they understand what a profound effect this is having on you they can't give you the best help/advice possible.  

 

Whatever you do I hope things improve for you soon. 

[Artinum]

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Went to work (dull, but I found stuff to do anyway) and still in good spirits now. Not *happy*, but the depression just isn't there.

I know this is only temporary. For now, I'm going to take some quiet enjoyment from this unexpected day off.

[zeroh13]

On 4/30/2017 at 2:06 PM, Artinum said:

 

Because I don't process emotion like "normal" people, I don't know whether this is just how depression works for some people. I'm wondering whether I should look into medication, but I'm not sure how my Aspergers will impact on any treatments. I don't want to make things worse! Can anyone here share any experiences like this?

I probably have aspergers, just don't have the time, money, or motivation to have it tested. But I have been diagnosed with depression, and I've dealt with it off and on (mostly on) since middle school.

 

On 4/30/2017 at 2:06 PM, Artinum said:

I've wondered for some time now whether the fake me, which has grown larger and more complex over time, is now all that's left. Is there still a "real" me inside all that? But if there isn't, who's asking the question?

I used to wonder about this (in middle school & high school), is there really anything under this "mask" (the "fake" me that I showed the outside world). At some point I decided to "break the mask", and after a nervous breakdown (to be clear, this was only one contributing factor that lead to that happening), plus just time to figure out who "me" is, I got to a point where I could say, "yeah, this is the real me." 

 

On 4/30/2017 at 2:06 PM, Artinum said:

For a long time now - six months, maybe longer - I've lost all enthusiasm. For pretty much anything. I can simulate it for others; I can get temporarily excited about a new project or some problem that needs solving, but it doesn't last. I just feel... empty. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to end - I have no urge to kill myself; I don't really want to die. I just don't want to live either. It all seems pointless. I have no dreams to pursue, no goals. The Academy wants me to find my "big why" but I simply don't have one.

This is how my depression usually feels. It saps all motivation and enthusiasm and leaves this nothingness.

 

I do have dreams and goals, but when my depression is really bad, that just gets buried under everything I guess. Like, I'll forget that I have these dreams/goals, or sometimes going after them just seems pointless. It also took me years to figure this out.

 

On 4/30/2017 at 2:06 PM, Artinum said:

I'm wondering whether I should look into medication, but I'm not sure how my Aspergers will impact on any treatments. I don't want to make things worse! Can anyone here share any experiences like this?

This is a tough one... The best person to answer this would be a psychiatrist who has the proper experience. And different meds affect different people differently. Etc.

 

My personal experience... I currently take anti-depressants (Wellbrutrin). I have noticed an impact on my sensory issues, where I tend to be more sensitive now, which can lead to be becoming overwhelmed. And I have a harder time sitting still when I'm focusing on something, or trying to deal with my anxiety. I also have a tendency to interrupt people when they're talking, and that's gotten a little worse. But otherwise, there has been a definite improvement in my mood. The lows are still there, but they are more situational now, or happen in the morning before I take my medication. Most of the time I'm not exactly "happy", but I'm a lot better than when I wasn't taking them.

 

I also have a therapist, so I'll talk things out with him, and he'll give me information and suggest new ways to cope and such. And we're starting to work on my communication skills.