The Reincarnation of Teagarden, and her cunning plan.

[Stonie]

My whole childhood/teen years I was told many things, such as the following (with the best of intentions);

"Oh, you're a great drawer, very artistic!"

"You should be a designer!"
"You're a good student, you could do [insert higher education purpose here]"

"You're not even trying!"

"You can do anything!"

 

Which was great. Except inherent talent didn't do shit when I didn't have the push to improve, to excel, to better myself. People assumed I was doing well and left me to it. Well, instead of excelling, getting great at everything, I slacked. Got lazy. I did things to benefit myself in the moment instead of thinking ahead. I was a child, you don't think of your future when you're still in school. Ain't nobody got time for that! I learnt things for long enough to pass the test on them, then promptly forgot them - and that's disregarding the fact that sitting in a class or reading wikipedia is not my way of learning at all.

 

Once I hit high school, and hormones, I slowly mentally slipped into the spiral of "oh well, I can't do anything well enough to make my mark on the world. I'm 15, I should know what I want to do with the rest of my life by now; like every other person in my age group planning the rest of their schooling lives and possibly the rest of their whole life. Having no plan, I gave up. I never really thought ahead to the rest of my life because for a long while I never thought I would actually make it to adulthood. I'm 22 now. There's no way I thought I was going to make it this far. I doubted every move I took, and was constantly strangled by self hatred, doubt, loathing, and the wish to be anyone else. As well as a healthy dose of, 

"Oh well, this is it, I'll start getting used to it now." Screw you subconscious. Looking back now I was probably suffering some variation of Depression or Anxiety but people just thought I was different; and instead of being offended I took that and wove it into my self-image. Tried to control the darkness. (We all know how that ended, hey Gollum?) (Shut up, Lord of The Rings is on TV.) Anyway, I did make it through school and did try to use some of my natural talent to shape my life, even if I had no idea of where I was actually going. 

 

Picking a vocation on a whim is great and all, but going straight from high school to trade school pretty much just extended high school for me, although the skills did sink in a bit more because I was taught as I participated; learning web design while typing the code myself; learning to drive the Adobe suite while I clicked through procedures as the teacher did. Again I excelled and got the "You don't even have to try" treatment, so again I stopped trying. relied too much on my basic instinct. Having no clear picture of where I wanted these skills to take me left me just doing things because they were in the course and had to be completed; and I was spending too much of my parent's (and later my own) money on a class so I had to complete it. 

Basically, the idea of making a living drawing silly pictures and making web apps was a trendy idea at the time and I was going with the flow, thinking it would be a future-proof way of utilising my natural creative instincts.  {insert childish raspberry noise here.}

 

Fast forward a few years after a failed attempt at freelancing, attempting to juggle freelancing with casual waitress work, then having hospitality slowly creep into my life like an insidious parasite until it was all consuming, fighting back and slowly taking back some of my life, mixed with news of people my age going onto success and great things; here I am, typing this, feeling a tad empty and achivement-less. I've just fought back from my latest dark period, remembering that I am happy with who I am and I just need to learn how to improve; and it doesn't matter how long it takes me. 

 

I am a continuing member of The Rebellion, and while I had some successes in my last few challenges learning the basics of diet and exercise, I also lacked a clear mission to aim for - an ongoing problem of mine it seems. Now after my latest emotional crash I’ve come back to re-direct my life before it sails merrily down Shit Creek. I don’t want to count calories, I don’t want to lift mountains. I want to be comfortable just being. 

 

I have a battle log, an epic quest; I can comfortably say I have a plan. 

 

My name is Tegan.

(But you can call me Teagarden. Or Tea, if you’re the nicknaming kind).

 

I love fantasy. Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, zombies, magical creatures. 

I love craft. Crochet, sculpting, blogging. Many other things.

I love gaming. PS3s and any game tolerant enough to support the Macintosh computer. 

I love coffee. And Tea. 

I love food.

I find life both exciting and depressing.

I struggle to find a work/life, and happy/serious balance.

 

I will have the skills needed to take on any challenge life throws at me. 

I will be physically fit enough to enjoy life without pause.

I will use my skills for good; helping people, and spending time doing things I love to do. 

I will have a way to sustain my life doing a job that I enjoy going to.

I will get out of bed each and every day with a purpose. 

I will fail. 

But I will get back up. 

Again, and again. 

 

I will die happy. 

[unapologetic]

You know I've always thought it was ridiculous that you're somehow supposed to decide what you want to do with your life as teenager. Seriously? I don't know about you, but when I was a teen I definitely had no business being trusted to make life-altering decisions. What seems like a good idea at 18 might bore you to tears or just not be what you thought it was at 22. As much pressure as there is to make a decision young and stick with it, there's nothing wrong with taking the scenic route. In fact I bet by taking a little more time and really knowing yourself and what you want, you will be happier in the end than a person that committed to a life path young and never let themselves consider other options. Hang in there, and you will find your way. Try not to doubt every step you take-moving is better than being stagnant, even if you don't know where you're going.

 

On a totally unrelated note, Lord of the Rings is amazing and everyone should be reminded of this as often as possible. I've been listening to the movie soundtracks lately and honestly, I think that music is 50% of why I love those movies so much. Howard Shore is genius.

[redimagination]

Definitely agree that asking us to decide what we want to do with the rest of our lives as a teen is ridiculous. I didn't know what I wanted to do, what skills I could use in the work place or what would even be acheivable to me (I have since learned that I can never be an astronaught). I've ended up in a job I don't want and can't seem to escape the sector. But good luck for your future career, you will get there even if it takes longer than you'd hope it would.

[MogiShade]

This warrants better attention than I can afford it at the moment, but expect a lengthy reply in the next 24 hours. 

[Stonie]

You know I've always thought it was ridiculous that you're somehow supposed to decide what you want to do with your life as teenager. Seriously? I don't know about you, but when I was a teen I definitely had no business being trusted to make life-altering decisions. What seems like a good idea at 18 might bore you to tears or just not be what you thought it was at 22. As much pressure as there is to make a decision young and stick with it, there's nothing wrong with taking the scenic route. In fact I bet by taking a little more time and really knowing yourself and what you want, you will be happier in the end than a person that committed to a life path young and never let themselves consider other options. Hang in there, and you will find your way. Try not to doubt every step you take-moving is better than being stagnant, even if you don't know where you're going.

 

On a totally unrelated note, Lord of the Rings is amazing and everyone should be reminded of this as often as possible. I've been listening to the movie soundtracks lately and honestly, I think that music is 50% of why I love those movies so much. Howard Shore is genius.

 

The schooling system has it's knickers in a twist, definitely. A lot of people I know now were so sure of what they wanted to do back then, and now they are doing something completely different, or nothing at all. I fell into the trap of thinking that people cared what I was doing, when I should just be doing what I want one step at a time. 

 

LOTR was on TV last night. It's like visual crack cocaine. I was drooling terribly excited. I've also got the soundtrack stashed somewhere safe.

 

 

Definitely agree that asking us to decide what we want to do with the rest of our lives as a teen is ridiculous. I didn't know what I wanted to do, what skills I could use in the work place or what would even be acheivable to me (I have since learned that I can never be an astronaught). I've ended up in a job I don't want and can't seem to escape the sector. But good luck for your future career, you will get there even if it takes longer than you'd hope it would.

 

Thank you Maybe with a bit of planning, learn one new skill at a time you've always wanted to do, you could escape your job? Or maybe you need to find a new way of loving your job. I still have no idea what it is I'm going to do, but I'll find something. 

 

This warrants better attention than I can afford it at the moment, but expect a lengthy reply in the next 24 hours. 

 

Don't stress about it

[deepforest]

The real question is was it the extended editions?

[Stonie]

Bahahaha, no it wasn't. I don't think. Free-to-air TV, they aren't that giving.

[TyrantLizard]

This really resonated for me. I'm a career switcher (I used to be in corporate law and now I'm an organic farmer) and that's only one of the major life changes I have gone through in the past ten years - breakups, international moves, and healthy habit overhauls, hurrah. I can honestly say that my willingness to make drastic changes when I find myself unhappy with the status quo is one of the major reasons I am currently so content with my life. Change can be scary, but staying put when things are wrong for you is so much scarier to me.

 

Some people may question your judgement or encourage you to take the safer or more obvious path, but your life is yours to make into whatever you please. If you find yourself in a place (or in a set of habits) that don't fit you, then you're right to concoct a plan to make things be Otherwise.

 

I read your epic quest and it looks fantastic. Well thought out and full of admirable goals. I'll be following along on your mission! Oh, and I too have a thing for post-apocalyptic fiction and I'm currently doing the Zombies, Run! 5K training program, so I'm excited to see what other ways you incorporate your theme into fitness!

[Stonie]

This really resonated for me. I'm a career switcher (I used to be in corporate law and now I'm an organic farmer) and that's only one of the major life changes I have gone through in the past ten years - breakups, international moves, and healthy habit overhauls, hurrah. I can honestly say that my willingness to make drastic changes when I find myself unhappy with the status quo is one of the major reasons I am currently so content with my life. Change can be scary, but staying put when things are wrong for you is so much scarier to me.

 

Some people may question your judgement or encourage you to take the safer or more obvious path, but your life is yours to make into whatever you please. If you find yourself in a place (or in a set of habits) that don't fit you, then you're right to concoct a plan to make things be Otherwise.

 

I read your epic quest and it looks fantastic. Well thought out and full of admirable goals. I'll be following along on your mission! Oh, and I too have a thing for post-apocalyptic fiction and I'm currently doing the Zombies, Run! 5K training program, so I'm excited to see what other ways you incorporate your theme into fitness!

 

That's a super-awesome vote of confidence, TyrantLizard, thanks! I was thinking about starting a Zombies, Run! Campaign to get me running again as well, especially if the weather starts to fine up here! You know what? Maybe I'll even go tomorrow on my day off. xD (don't hold me to that.) 

[MogiShade]

I've written a few responses to this but never felt satisfied with any of them so I never hit the "post" button.  I will keep it short and to the point.  I had the exact same experience as you in high school and college.  I know you will figure your life out though, 'cause I am figuring mine out and you're a decade younger than I am!  I am glad you're coming to this so early.  The world bows before youth.  You're young, unmarried, and have no children.  You are in a position to take a lot of chances, to throw the dice, to experiment.  I wish you the best of luck, and I am positive that despite whatever challenges you need to face you'll come out on top.

 

On a practical note, if sustainable growing interests you, have you considered volunteering some time working on an organic farm or community garden?  It might cost you part of your weekend of week but you'll get skills and exercise.

[Stonie]

I've written a few responses to this but never felt satisfied with any of them so I never hit the "post" button.  I will keep it short and to the point.  I had the exact same experience as you in high school and college.  I know you will figure your life out though, 'cause I am figuring mine out and you're a decade younger than I am!  I am glad you're coming to this so early.  The world bows before youth.  You're young, unmarried, and have no children.  You are in a position to take a lot of chances, to throw the dice, to experiment.  I wish you the best of luck, and I am positive that despite whatever challenges you need to face you'll come out on top.

 

On a practical note, if sustainable growing interests you, have you considered volunteering some time working on an organic farm or community garden?  It might cost you part of your weekend of week but you'll get skills and exercise.

 

 

Aww, you didn't have to put that much effort in, but thanks

 

It's weird, because so much media is focussed on young achieving people; Nearly everyone who is anyone was a child genius, or knew what they wanted to do from the age of 3, yada yada yada... Which logically is not the majority of humans, but it's hard not to feel sometimes like I've already wasted a good chunk of my lifetime; and an important one at that. With all the focus that our culture puts on getting a good education, planning your life, having good jobs on your resume, seeing the world (etc...) I haven't done any of those things so it's hard to break out of my old mindset of "I'm a shit human being." Except then I remember that it's my life and I make the rules. xD

 

I have vaguely entertained the notion of joining a community garden, but the only one I can think of around here is hidden between some industrial sheds and it looks a bit shifty; like the kind of place you'd get mugged. I'm probably making that up completely though. xD I did also think about applying for work at the farms around here while I was unemployed - playing in dirt and physical exercise combined in one? Chyeahh! I wonder if any of them would consider letting me work for them for food... *ponders*

[MogiShade]

Here it is called "woofing"  People, usually students, go live on a farm and work for lodging/food.  A local farm gets students from all over the country.  I even did it for a summer, but then later just worked on one part time for money.   It's fun and with passion and a good coworker it doesn't even feel like labour. 

[Stonie]

Yeah we get backpackers here - being quite the tourist town apparently - so plenty of the farms hire people on a casual basis. I'd be more then happy to be paid in fresh local produce I can cook food with. I only work for money because I can't pay bills with cake and crochet. xD

[TyrantLizard]

I did also think about applying for work at the farms around here while I was unemployed - playing in dirt and physical exercise combined in one? Chyeahh! I wonder if any of them would consider letting me work for them for food... *ponders*

 

Not sure if you have anything like this where you are, but on our farm (and many others in the area) there's a type of position we call a workshare: a person works on the farm for 4 hours per week and in exchange they get a free CSA* share every week. Most of our workshares help with harvesting, and sometimes other work like planting, weeding, etc. It's great for our workshares because it doesn't require travel or a big time commitment like woofing does, and it gives the farm a reliable source of low cost labour that increases in usefulness over time as the person gains more experience. Some of our workshares have been working on the farm for over five years and they're incredibly valuable members of our harvest team.

 

*Since you're interested in sustainable agriculture I'm assuming you know what a CSA is, but if not I can explain! 

[redimagination]

 

 

 

Thank you Maybe with a bit of planning, learn one new skill at a time you've always wanted to do, you could escape your job? Or maybe you need to find a new way of loving your job. I still have no idea what it is I'm going to do, but I'll find something. 

 

 

 

 

I am currently doing a computing course. Since I have no computing qualifications (but am pretty good with computers) I figured it was a start as most jobs require some computer use. I'll see about the rest. Good luck finding something.

[MogiShade]

I only work for money because I can't pay bills with cake and crochet. xD

Why not?

Sent while in the bathroom.

[ORazor]

Maybe I'll be the lone dissent here.

It's true that finding a life of meaning and direction is difficult. Some may even deem it impossible.

Because it may well be.

But personally, I have given up trying to "find" a direction, and I simply picked one.

It's not a perfect solution. Or even a great one. But I spent years waffling. I never really found the right path until I made a decent guess, and just went all in.

Our search for meaning is only as complex as we let it be, and it's only amplified by our lack of purpose.

It sounds like there are many things you believe in. There's no reason you can't build a life around any of them.

I wish you amazing things, and the best of luck!

Posted using only my thumbs.

[Stonie]

Maybe I'll be the lone dissent here.

It's true that finding a life of meaning and direction is difficult. Some may even deem it impossible.

Because it may well be.

But personally, I have given up trying to "find" a direction, and I simply picked one.

It's not a perfect solution. Or even a great one. But I spent years waffling. I never really found the right path until I made a decent guess, and just went all in.

Our search for meaning is only as complex as we let it be, and it's only amplified by our lack of purpose.

It sounds like there are many things you believe in. There's no reason you can't build a life around any of them.

I wish you amazing things, and the best of luck!

Posted using only my thumbs.

 

That is a good point ORazor, and one I haven't ignored. I could definitely never find something I love and have to settle for something I can tolerate. But I'm not going to settle before I've tried multiple avenues. xD But thank you for the grounding. That's important too. And I guess, as long as we can say we're happy with where we ended up, it doesn't really matter if we don't find our "True Purpose".

[Stonie]

Why not?

Sent while in the bathroom.

 

I mean, trading people cake and crochet. I'd need to convert that into money and I don't have the life skills to become a freelancer. Tried that already once  

[Stonie]

Not sure if you have anything like this where you are, but on our farm (and many others in the area) there's a type of position we call a workshare: a person works on the farm for 4 hours per week and in exchange they get a free CSA* share every week. Most of our workshares help with harvesting, and sometimes other work like planting, weeding, etc. It's great for our workshares because it doesn't require travel or a big time commitment like woofing does, and it gives the farm a reliable source of low cost labour that increases in usefulness over time as the person gains more experience. Some of our workshares have been working on the farm for over five years and they're incredibly valuable members of our harvest team.

 

*Since you're interested in sustainable agriculture I'm assuming you know what a CSA is, but if not I can explain! 

 

 

No I've no idea. It's something I definitely want to get into but I've no skills in. Feel free to bombard me with info!

[MogiShade]

I mean, trading people cake and crochet. I'd need to convert that into money and I don't have the life skills to become a freelancer. Tried that already once

If I had a store and you came in and tried to pay with crochet I'd be so amused I'd accept it.

Sent while in the bathroom.

[TyrantLizard]

No I've no idea. It's something I definitely want to get into but I've no skills in. Feel free to bombard me with info!

 

CSA stands for Community Supported Agriculture. It's basically a way for farmers to pre-sell their produce directly to customers. The way it works is that a person pays at the beginning of the season and then for the entire season the customers get a share of everything being grown on the farm every week. You can think of it like buying a vegetable subscription, I guess. Not sure if they have them near you but they're pretty common in many parts of the United States and Canada now.

 

As an example, on our farm, a full share runs about $600 for the entire season. The season is 20 weeks, so it works out to $30 per week, but we get the money up front (which is when farmers have most of their expenses: seeds, equipment, etc.) and in exchange for the stability that prepayment gives us, we give the customer more than $30 worth of veggies each week. For example, this past week the share included cabbage, beets, carrots, radishes, cucumbers, kohlrabi, summer squash of various types, kale, swiss chard, lettuce, scallions, broccoli, tatsoi, and green beans. We grow everything on our farm, and it changes each week according to what we're currently harvesting, so people are eating according to what's in season locally.

 

People come to the farm to pick up their veggies, so it's also a nice chance for people to meet their farmers, ask questions, and learn about how their food is grown. A lot of people bring their kids to see the farm animals and it's a good experience.

 

Anyway, in the case of the workshares, they come and work on the farm for a few hours a week, instead of paying for the share. Good arrangement for both sides!

[Stonie]

Ohh! Yeah that's a great idea. Fresh produce and supporting the locals, I love it! I could always enquire to the farms around here, Otherwise I'd totally work for vegetables. 

[ORazor]

I mean, trading people cake and crochet. I'd need to convert that into money and I don't have the life skills to become a freelancer. Tried that already once

 

What exactly does this mean?  They say that people who try the same thing over and over expecting a different result are insane.  But it's also true that people who do the same thing over and over develop skills they need to succeed!  http://www.inc.com/peter-cohan/most-important-key-to-start-up-success-fail-fail.html

[Stonie]

What exactly does this mean?  They say that people who try the same thing over and over expecting a different result are insane.  But it's also true that people who do the same thing over and over develop skills they need to succeed!  http://www.inc.com/peter-cohan/most-important-key-to-start-up-success-fail-fail.html

 

When I finished my TAFE course (in digital media) I half heartedly attempted to work as a freelance web developer; but I wasn't dedicated enough, didn't have a business plan, and there were still a lot of skills I was missing that I couldn't be bothered putting the time in to learn. I also struggle differentiating "working time" and "life" when I work from home. I get a lot of the "Oh I'll do it later" and never actually do. Maybe I wasn't just meant to do digital design.

 

That link was a good read though!