Kinda stuck in my life.

[RutgerS]

Hi guys and girls

 

I feel like I'm kinda stuck in my life now, and I don't know what path to go on. So I'm asking for advice here.

Warning: Wall of text incoming, starting off with some info and history about myself.

 

Currently I'm 26 years old, working in a decently paid job that I seem to be tired off. I live together with my gf, but she still studies, so money is tight.

 

History time!

 

I was always considered the intelligent but lazy student, had a few friends but never many.

At 18, I decided to go to the university to study physics. My lazyness kicked my ass, so that was over in about a year. I did think it was very interesting, but I gave up.

The year after, I decided to go study industrial engineering (a bit easier than civil engineering), and first year, laziness kicked me again, but I did managed to suck it up, start doing shit and got my grades decent enough to pass. The second year was shit again, third year (with still some courses from the second year) I gave up. It also didn't interest me very much.

At this point, my parents were sick of paying for my education (who can blame them), And then I got ran over by a Land Rover Defender and was hospitalised for a week.

I decided I wanted to go back to physics at Uni, paying for the education myself, and telling myself I'd totally go for it now. My mom agreed to still let me live with her to have less costs. But the Uni turned me down, they decided I couldn't enter the courses again.

That was a major blow, and I didn't know what to do then. I decided to go study construction management something (don't know the correct English term ) at a college, paying it myself.

The course was rather easy, and I did what I had to do to pass. So I graduated at almost age 25 with a college degree in a high-demand field. Finally something that I could be proud of.

I even got a job 3 days after graduating! (basically the weekend). And at that job I am today.

 

I think you can all see it coming now: I don't really think it's very interesting. The novelty wore off quite rapid. At first I learned and picked it up at a rapid pace my boss told me to slow down. Now I'm kinda stuck for quite some months at the same level, no longer improving. The novelty is gone, the motivation is lacking, and the quality of my work suffers because of it.

 

Because my gf studies, I really have to keep this/a job or else we can't pay the rent anymore. But because money is tight, there is basically nothing I look forward to. I can't save money for an epic journey or something. Rent needs to get paid, food needs to be bought, our dryer broke down so there goes excess money etc etc....Some days (like today) I feel like if I die now, I'm not missing out on anything.

 

And I don't even know what I DO want to do right now. It's not like I want to become a singer/actor but haven't got the guts to really go for it. It's not like I have a business idea, but am afraid to start it up. I have no ideas. Financially it'll become decent when my gf graduates and gets a job, but that would mean I'd still work only to look forward to the weekend/vacations.

The only "project" I'm having right now is my own health, losing weight etc. Beyond that there's NOTHING. Sure, I go see my friends from time to time etc, and do some stuff. But it's not a life goal.

 

I simply have no goals at the moment. I wake up, do my job to a level as not to get fired, get home, cook healthy, excercise, game a bit, see a friend. Do some laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping. See some family.

Of course this is way better than being really sick, or poor.

 

I simply don't know what to do. I have no hobbies aside of gaming a bit, but that's more of a passtime. I hope I can get into lifting as a hobby. But meh. I feel like I'm stuck.

I want to take a risk somewhere, but I don't even know what I should take a risk for. How can I discover what I do like doing? If I change jobs, I think I'd be stuck again once the novelty wears off.

 

Any advice?

 

(sorry for the incoherent rambling)

[Toxophilite]

I can relate to a lot of this, seriously almost all of it and my advice would be to try out some hobbies. By all means look for another job but I know from experience that this can be much easier said than done.

 

Find some time, evening, weekends, whatever, where you can get away from work and do something you're interested in (maybe lifting would be a good place to start but maybe try out something new too). During the week I am an engineer but that's just what I do to get money, it isn't who I am. I'm an archery coach. I don't get paid for that, yet, but it's what I like to do and when people ask me what I do, that's my answer.

 

I think people call it finding your 'why'. For some it's raising their kids, for others it's sport or volunteering. It might take a while to find something you're really interested in but why not just go for it? Life's too short to waste on work.

[RutgerS]

I can relate to a lot of this, seriously almost all of it and my advice would be to try out some hobbies. By all means look for another job but I know from experience that this can be much easier said than done.

 

Find some time, evening, weekends, whatever, where you can get away from work and do something you're interested in (maybe lifting would be a good place to start but maybe try out something new too). During the week I am an engineer but that's just what I do to get money, it isn't who I am. I'm an archery coach. I don't get paid for that, yet, but it's what I like to do and when people ask me what I do, that's my answer.

 

I think people call it finding your 'why'. For some it's raising their kids, for others it's sport or volunteering. It might take a while to find something you're really interested in but why not just go for it? Life's too short to waste on work.

Thank you for your response (And your username goes very well with your Achery-Identity!). I kinda have no why at this moment, and I believe that's the major issue. So, what do you think is the best course of action to find a "why?" ?

 

Or just throw out some random ideas?

[JPrev]

A good way to start is to look at the 26 years worth of data you already have.  You don't have to blindly guess at what career or hobby might "grab" you.  There's been glimmers of it in things you've enjoyed doing in the past.  Your task now is to distill the things you love from your previous endeavors, then lay them out and see what they're telling you.

 

So, come up with 7 or so things you've loved doing.  They don't have to be jobs; they could be anything.  Hobbies, projects, personal pursuits, games, that one time you did that one thing; anything.  Look at each of these activities individually and describe everything that was necessary for them.  Did they involve other people?  Communication?  Leadership?  Data analysis?  Problem solving? Handiwork?  Circuitry?  Language?  Get REALLY specific.  If you said "yes" to problem solving, what kind of problem solving?  Person-to-person conflict resolution?  Arithmetic?  Logic?  If you said yes to communication, what kind of communication?  Leading a group?  Counseling?  Coaching?  Presenting?  Teaching?  You get the idea: drill down to every attribute you can think of it.  Get granular and have fun with it!  As you're doing this, write out your favorite memories of each activity.

 

Once you've done this for each of ~7 activities/pursuits/hobbies/jobs/whatever that you've loved, you have the most valuable thing you could want right now: data.  Now comes the interesting part.  You'll find certain attributes pop up in multiple activities.  Group these attributes into categories and tally up how many times they appear in your activities.  Rank them based on the tally.  Boom, you're now staring at a distilled, objective assessment of what you've loved doing over the past 26 years.  I say "distilled" because it may be that no single activity encompassed everything you love - if there had been an activity like that, you probably wouldn't feel as lost as you do now.  But now you can combine all the attributes from all the activities you've loved and look for the job that hits them.  I say "objective" because instead of asking yourself "how much do I value working with other people in way X?" you have tallies for every time "working with people in way X" has featured in things you've loved.  If it's important, it'll be there a lot.  If it isn't, it may not be there at all!  (On the other hand, maybe the thing that resonates with you most has only popped up once - if that's the case, then you have even more evidence for why you're currently feeling lost!)

 

When I did this assessment on myself, I was finally able to understand what exactly I'd love in a career.  I always knew I wanted to do something helping people, but I didn't know if that meant being a doctor, or an EMT, or an aide worker, or a counselor, or so on and so forth.  I now see that I want to specifically help people by guiding them through some sort of anxiety.  However, the above assessment method also revealed another thing that's very important to me: decision making.  I don't want to just be an adviser; I want to act.  That's why being the director of training for my EMS organization was so fulfilling for me.  Not only was I helping new EMTs overcome their anxieties about the field - I was trusted to act in the field itself.

 

Once you have this distilled, objective assessment of your interests, you can now use it as a filter when you look at jobs.  Maybe you decide to literally Google "top 100 jobs" and place each one in your newfound filter.  You'll still have work to do, but with your filter in hand, you won't be searching blind!

[RutgerS]

Gonna try that "homework" once I have the time for it, and the peace of mind. Today is not a good day.

[Minna]

I really like JPrev's suggestions, so much so that I'm going to take them myself.

Your situation resonates with me because it sounds like me at times. Could you be depressed? I too was smart but considered lazy by my elementary-school teachers. Not until I was diagnosed with depression at 21 did it become clear that I'd been suffering from it since I was nine. I started college three times before it stuck. I know how you feel! I'm not saying you are depressed, of course - but if you hadn't considered it before, maybe it's something to think about. It's possible that through talk therapy, medication or a combination of the two, you could see some real benefits. You'd have lots of support here in NF if you wanted it!

[Freemont]

It sounds like in part you are bored.

 

What jumps out at me is your disappointment at not being able to get back into physics and a boss that's not encouraging you to learn new things at work.

 

You might check out coursera or other companies that offer free, online courses. They are not for credit, but can help you figure out some areas you might want to pursue at a later point. If something clicks for you can use the time your girlfriend is finishing her studies to map out a strategy for changing careers to something that interests you more.

 

There's a lot of interesting stuff--I've signed up for things several times but have never been realistic about how much time I have to devote to it.

[RutgerS]

Per JPrevs suggestion, I'm going to start with some programming in Perl. I only touched the surface on programming before, and it's something that fits

 

A)my social needs: GTFO all, except when I'm stuck and need help. Then there is a shitload of people out there with ideas and suggestions.

 

B)My challenge myself needs: Even as a lazy ass, I NEED to challenge myself. Programming can do that. Plus it can start off very small, and end with year+ projects.

 

C)Alternation: Every project can be vastly different. 

 

Hope I can devote enough time to it.

 

@Minna: To be honest, I wouldn't know. I have done some therapy before, but that was never due to depression. And they never mentioned the possibility. But I do feel quite down and defeated lately, that could be a cue. I simply do not know....

[lyricalsharon]

Start serving. Like, volunteer somewhere, get involved with something outside of yourself. Give time/effort/yourself to something that doesn't "pay" back.... it's amazing how much the "stuck" feeling gets broken out of when you do that.

Sent with a flurry of little thumbs and dog hair.

[redimagination]

I know how you feel. I have no idea what I want to do either and now stuck in a job I don't like that is nothing to do with what I done at university (though within the same field) earning less than £1 more than minimum wage. But I don't know what to do or where to go. I'd like to study again (and most likely will have to anyway to change career) but it is finding the right course that is actually going to lead to a job I want to do.

 

I'm going to try what JPrev said. I've tried similar things in the past (but not as in depth) but not got anywhere.

 

Good luck though!

[MissoulaSquatch]

Jesus..I think I just looked in the mirror and saw myself staring back!

I've gone through pretty much the same thing, multiple schools, not much to show for it (I actually also scraped together a degree..but mine is worthless compared to yours).

My career, pretty much the same thing for awhile, multiple jobs, nothing lasting too long.  Last job I made it 4 years tho, and it was easily my turning point.  Only reason I left..well, I got into management..and I started to see under the surface a bit, how things were truly being done..and I came to disagree with their mindset.  Let's just say I "quit in style" (you know those awesome moments in the movies where they stick it to the boss? Yeah, I pulled that!).

Back to the turning point tho, I learned that I LOVED working with food, I LOVED training people (especially those with no experience), and I LOVED WORKING HARD.  My turning point was finding out what I LOVED to do..and I have to be honest, I won't get bored of this career anytime soon.

In short, DO WHAT YOU LOVE.  Don't get a job for the money, get a job that you enjoy doing.  Trust me, if you enjoy the work, you will excel at it, and if you excel at it, you will eventually get promotions and raises.  You're young, hell we're young (28 here), if we've got the energy to be on this site and improving ourselves then we also have the energy to spend working hard on our careers and finding what we truly want!

[Toxophilite]

Looking back at these responses I'm pretty sure you could mash together one awesome motivational speech

[kaelvan]

http://milkthepigeon.com/

The free book I got there is the great starting point. I love the activities in the book. Definably helps push me a bit to trying and take back my life.

[RutgerS]

Still no succes in imrpoving here.

 

I had an idea, but it isn't financially feasible (because it would almost put me without wages for 2-3months)

 

I do think I need something where I can keep learning.

[Toxophilite]

What have you tried?

[kaelvan]

Still no succes in imrpoving here.

 

I had an idea, but it isn't financially feasible (because it would almost put me without wages for 2-3months)

 

I do think I need something where I can keep learning.

What's that idea?

[RutgerS]

What have you tried?

I tried some coding, but I found it to be pretty 'meh'. No real other ideas at the moment. I'm not a very social person, and this excludes a whole lot of options.

 

What's that idea?

Train driver. But it has a 9 month training (makes sense), with the first 3 months not being paid (except for unemployment subsidies, but I have no right if I quit my job myself).

[EVEArgent]

This is almost scary.

I am in the exact same position, Physics failure and everything. I'm 23 and right at the stage of still thinking about trying to go back for college for physics. I totally feel you and I understand how soul crushing it feels to not know your place and what you want to do.

 

Its even eerie that you're considering Train conductor, I was considering Pilot Training. And construction? I was just about to take Real estate classes. I've looked into running off to a Farm. I... I don't know, It's like I've found another me, but 3 years ahead.

 

I'm stuck in a job I don't like very much that I got a few months out of college...(web marketing)

 

I'm gonna stick around through this with you, and you can message me any time if you want to talk about things. ANY things, games you're playing, your co-workers, what you ate for breakfast. I don't care. I want to be here for you.

 

Keep on moving.

 

 

 

I just also wanted to quote you. Thank you for posting that. I've been telling myself the same thing over and over and I just really need to go for it. I'm scared, because I don't know where I'm going, or where I'll land, but I need to go.

[RutgerS]

This is almost scary.

I am in the exact same position, Physics failure and everything. I'm 23 and right at the stage of still thinking about trying to go back for college for physics. I totally feel you and I understand how soul crushing it feels to not know your place and what you want to do.

 

Its even eerie that you're considering Train conductor, I was considering Pilot Training. And construction? I was just about to take Real estate classes. I've looked into running off to a Farm. I... I don't know, It's like I've found another me, but 3 years ahead.

 

I'm stuck in a job I don't like very much that I got a few months out of college...(web marketing)

 

I'm gonna stick around through this with you, and you can message me any time if you want to talk about things. ANY things, games you're playing, your co-workers, what you ate for breakfast. I don't care. I want to be here for you.

 

Keep on moving.

 

 

I just also wanted to quote you. Thank you for posting that. I've been telling myself the same thing over and over and I just really need to go for it. I'm scared, because I don't know where I'm going, or where I'll land, but I need to go.

The 'you are not a unique snowflake' wisdom is real here.

 

A thing I did learn is, in order to get satisfaction out of something, you need to be good at it. that's a problem I'm having in my current job as well. Even if something isn't your dreamjob, you still get satisfaction out of getting shit done. (just imagine the satisfaction of finishing that piece of ikea furniture. it's not a job or hobby, but you do get the satisfaction after it's done).

 

Therefore my current jobhunt is "what would I do pretty good".

 

And I need to speed things up, cause I can't keep pretending I'm not utterly demotivated at work here...

[Toxophilite]

I agree. There's a certain pride you get from a job well done. I have the same problem where I am now. When I started and things were new to me I was learning things and everyday seemed like an achievement. Now I'm just repeating the same tasks and I have completely lost any motivation to do a good job. It's a vicious cycle of not being interested in my work, so I don't perform very well and then my output is poor and I don't get that buzz from finishing a job meaning that I'm not interested in it.

 

Have you made any progress?

[RutgerS]

I agree. There's a certain pride you get from a job well done. I have the same problem where I am now. When I started and things were new to me I was learning things and everyday seemed like an achievement. Now I'm just repeating the same tasks and I have completely lost any motivation to do a good job. It's a vicious cycle of not being interested in my work, so I don't perform very well and then my output is poor and I don't get that buzz from finishing a job meaning that I'm not interested in it.

 

Have you made any progress?

Not yet. I do have some other options open at the moment, and I'm gonna talk to a recruiter/headhunter in a few hours. But I'm afraid I'll get bored at any job I do. But hey, at least I have those initial months where I can perform and be satisfied again.

 

For more long term plans: Maybe military, maybe train driver.

[laodamaren]

What about the police academy? My brother is also sick and tired of eerything, can't find any motivation or simply doesn't know what to do. He then found the police academy (which is paid from day 1, but you need to pass some tests), challenging, broad and extremely active! If it sounds like something you'd do, why not?

 

Also, check out coursera.com or http://www.saylor.org/, they offer free courses you can do from the comfort of your home, while expanding your knowledge and sometines you even get a 'certificate of completion', which looks good on your CV of course.

Another thing, maybe community work? I remember I worked in an elderly home for a few weeks as a volunteering experience, even though I'm usually not that good with people (impatient etc), but it felt so good to know I was helping these people and making them laugh, despite thei diseases such as Alzheimer. It's not something I'd say that ''will definitely contribute to my career'', but it did make me feel like I did something useful, which is exactly what you need to feel right now, if I'm correct.

 

Let me know what you think :')

[shesavedtheworldalot]

Hey!  I don't know what kind of job you have/if there are any benefits offered, but I know that many businesses (at least in the US) offer what they call an "Employee Assistance Program."  Most people think of this as just mental health counseling, but there is often a LOT more available, including the option to see a career counselor, or a therapist who would specialize in "quarter life crises."  (Which, if you don't believe it just from reading this thread, is a real thing.)

 

Also, consider picking up the book "The Defining Decade" by Meg Jay.  Jay is a clinical psychologist whose clients are all in their mid twenties and struggling with the types of issues you've described.  I know when I went (or am going) through this, it's a book that made a big difference for me personally.  Plus, it's short!  Always a plus!

 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter-And/dp/0446561754