SlightlyAmused journal of stuff

[SlightlyAmused]

So I guess people use these threads as a means to post daily updates and just general hub-bubary. Seeing this that's what I have decided to do. To start this off I guess I'll go into a bit about me, what I want, why I'm here.

So I just hit 30 mid February and realized that I'm getting out of shape and spending way to much time on video games. I also realized how unhappy I was and, in turn, how unhappy I was making the people around me. So I decided to make huge changes. I started with my personality and being a people pleaser. This is a tough one but I'm getting to be more of a collaborative thinker instead of an avoidance and pleasing person. It's a slow process and not the one that brought me here.

Fitness and diet brought me here. I've been lurking this site for 2 years and went all in today. I set my first SMART goals and kicked their ass today. I want to lose about 15 pounds and get more lean. I want to be able to rock climb and swim the ocean (not really but I would like to be able to swim a good ways). I want to be able to hike 4 miles and still be standing or be able to pull myself into an attic crawlspace from the floor when the zombie terrorist attack the motherland. So I chose to go paleo for my diet and it's been good as of today. I found some cool recipes for chocolate based items which seem to good to be true but I'm gonna give them a shot tomorrow.

As for workouts I'm trying to stick with bodyweight as I saw alot of progress with it when I was in the Army. I would also like to be able to run 5k.

All of this ties into my overall mental health so I see it as huge. I just want to be comfortable, happy, and able to make others happy.

-------------

Typing on my phone so it's a bit blah.

Today's goals=A-

Ate all paleo!

Ran the first program of zombies run 5k

Meditated

Failed at waking up at 6am

Failed at working out in the Am and did it instead at 8pm

[CyclingMimi]

Way to go!! It sounds like you have some great goals, & you're onto a good thing. Better to start on it now & to keep on with it than to wait 15 more years (I just turned 45 earlier this month) & to find it harder. You're at a great time to start new stuff. Keep up the great work & keep pressing on!!

[SlightlyAmused]

So it is now Saturday and this week has been the week from hell. If everything keeps going the way it is I will end up giving myself a C.

 

I'm still happy that I have done more than I have in the past 5 years, but depression has kicked my ass hard. I've decided to re-visit my week 1 challenges until I have earned an A.

 

I ran the first session of Zombie Run and felt really good about it, but the next day was just a barrage of life ripping me down. Shifty of my to admit I did fall off track but have been slowly getting back on it. It doesn't help that I am currently living in three different houses through the week so the eating has been really tough to stick to. I have a plan in the works for that and hopefully will have better success to report next week.

 

Point is, I'm still hitting that button; its just turning out to have to be held down longer than I had hoped.

[CyclingMimi]

3 different houses? Wow!! Are you housesitting in two of them? Whatever the situation, yeah, I can see how it would make it hard to stick to a good eating plan.

[SlightlyAmused]

I wish I was housesitting! lol

 

My wife and I are recently separated. I stay where is convenient to what I have going the next day.

[CyclingMimi]

Oh, OK. I'm sorry to read that. That's rough! I have a lot of friends who've gone through similar things.

[SlightlyAmused]

It's all gravy. Life wouldn't be fun if it wasn't for the drama right?

Week one results:C

I gotta step it up but tomorrow is payday so my food problems are solved!

[SlightlyAmused]

So... My brain is in a better place. Bipolar II can be a bastard from time to time but I feel like I'm pretty level right now.

I did a bit of research on working out with a diagnosis of Bipolar and it seems that evening workouts are not really recommended. Go figure... I guess that helps explain the funk I was in after my good day last week.

Things I changed over the weekend:

I shifted my sleep schedule to now be waking up at 730. I still want to bump that back by an hour (630 or 6) but that's a gradual change. I also pre-made my lunches so it'll be salad for lunch from here on. I just tossed everything green in a bowl with some carrots and tomatoes, tossed a bit of salt and pepper on them, and have them in the freezer now. I move tomorrow's into the fridge the night before so it can thaw out a bit. I'll put a bit of honey dijon on it when I make it and bam... Uber goodness.

Cool shit that I did today:

I ate good stuff all day!

Breakfast was 3 strips of bacon, one egg over easy and one hard boiled egg

Lunch was an apple

Dinner was green beans, liver, one potatoe. That will probably be my last yellow potatoe if I have any say... Those things are gross. Sweet Potato ahoy!

Snack: Poor boy salad as described above.

I also busted out the beginner body weight training today. Did the full 3x circuit and feel it. I'm sure it'll be worse tomorrow but that's run day so I'll make it.

Still to do:

I plan on looking up some more "sweet" healthy snacks in a bit but I don't see me eating anything else today so I'll be good.

I want to make up my bucket list... I'm 30 and it's kinda a thing.

Boil enough eggs for the week so I can nom-nom two every morning.

More of my ranting:

Living like this is hard. Sometimes I don't really know who I am or if how I feel is real. It sounds crazy and I'm sure it reads crazy but seriously. Most of this fitness and diet thing are to help me level all of this out. My sleep still sucks as I have PTSD (PTSD AND Bipolar... Wow! It's actually really common as they present fairly the same) I woke up at 130am having a panic attack and it took about an hour to fall back asleep. Still, I got my ass up and did good things so that makes me happy. I guess actually typing it out makes me realize how awesome I can be. I had a rough night and still kicked today's ass. That's good enough for me. I've spent the majority of my life wishing life would just take me out of the picture and since it has failed up to now I'm going to start paying it back by beating the shit out of it every morning.

Morbid? Yes

Motivational? For me =)

[Wolf]

Still, I got my ass up and did good things so that makes me happy. I guess actually typing it out makes me realize how awesome I can be. I had a rough night and still kicked today's ass.

I dare say that's some super-hero points right there:)

[swiftblade]

So... My brain is in a better place. Bipolar II can be a bastard from time to time but I feel like I'm pretty level right now.

I did a bit of research on working out with a diagnosis of Bipolar and it seems that evening workouts are not really recommended. Go figure... I guess that helps explain the funk I was in after my good day last week.

Things I changed over the weekend:

I shifted my sleep schedule to now be waking up at 730. I still want to bump that back by an hour (630 or 6) but that's a gradual change. I also pre-made my lunches so it'll be salad for lunch from here on. I just tossed everything green in a bowl with some carrots and tomatoes, tossed a bit of salt and pepper on them, and have them in the freezer now. I move tomorrow's into the fridge the night before so it can thaw out a bit. I'll put a bit of honey dijon on it when I make it and bam... Uber goodness.

Cool shit that I did today:

I ate good stuff all day!

Breakfast was 3 strips of bacon, one egg over easy and one hard boiled egg

Lunch was an apple

Dinner was green beans, liver, one potatoe. That will probably be my last yellow potatoe if I have any say... Those things are gross. Sweet Potato ahoy!

Snack: Poor boy salad as described above.

I also busted out the beginner body weight training today. Did the full 3x circuit and feel it. I'm sure it'll be worse tomorrow but that's run day so I'll make it.

Still to do:

I plan on looking up some more "sweet" healthy snacks in a bit but I don't see me eating anything else today so I'll be good.

I want to make up my bucket list... I'm 30 and it's kinda a thing.

Boil enough eggs for the week so I can nom-nom two every morning.

More of my ranting:

Living like this is hard. Sometimes I don't really know who I am or if how I feel is real. It sounds crazy and I'm sure it reads crazy but seriously. Most of this fitness and diet thing are to help me level all of this out. My sleep still sucks as I have PTSD (PTSD AND Bipolar... Wow! It's actually really common as they present fairly the same) I woke up at 130am having a panic attack and it took about an hour to fall back asleep. Still, I got my ass up and did good things so that makes me happy. I guess actually typing it out makes me realize how awesome I can be. I had a rough night and still kicked today's ass. That's good enough for me. I've spent the majority of my life wishing life would just take me out of the picture and since it has failed up to now I'm going to start paying it back by beating the shit out of it every morning.

Morbid? Yes

Motivational? For me =)

Have you tried ZMA or melatonin? They both help with sleep and a lot of people don't dream with ZMA, it might help your brain from being hypervigilant while your sleeping. PTSD is a bitch, but you can overcome it. I got faith!

[SlightlyAmused]

I am actually going to pick up a low dosage of melatonin tomorrow and see how that helps me. I only plan to use it for a week or two though just to get a feel for the difference. Thank you

Today's stuff:

Still pushing my schedule back little by little. I was up at 7am with no major issue today but I think I'm going to wait a few days to bump it back any sooner so I can adjust. I got out of bed and instantly noticed how sore my thighs were from the squats yesterday. I decided that it was not a good enough reason to not go for my run so I walked to the cemetery and ran for a good 20 mins combined.

The weather here in Michigan is crap. Yesterday it was 55 and sunny, this morning it was 30 with snow and slush on the ground. Still, it made for an intresting Cardio day.

My thighs have been getting worse as the day goes so I'm gonna rest the majority of today. If they still feel as bad tomorrow I will end up just focusing on upper body tomorrow.

Regardless of my petty complaints I feel like I have done well today so far. Way better than I did last week and I see a massive difference in my mental state when I work out in the Am vs pm. I did cheat and have taco bell today while I was out, I don't even feel bad about it. I knocked out the 20 pushups as my self punishment so it evens out lol.

[SlightlyAmused]

Good day today. I partook in the whole consumerism thing and got more good food to supplement my current stock and spice up what I will be eating. I took the day easy but still plan on doing my upper body nonsense in about 30 mins. Lastly, all my food has been on the good side (no taco bell today)

I feel really freaking good too! I missed my morning workout because of some vehicle drama, but thats OK. It's just upper body today. I can reach muscle failure in 30 mins if I push it.

Things I want to do still:

Crossfit? Holy crap that looks awesome! I came into this thinking I was gonna go Rangers but have always been put off by the things I've seen of Crossfit. Lo-and-behold the more I look into it the more I see how awesome it is! I'm gonna look into it for the next six week L1 challange.

[SlightlyAmused]

Today things happened again.

Today has been my lazy day. I had alot on my mind last night and didn't sleep good at all. I'm starting to view things in my life different. I attribute this to both age and my new attitude to myself (R-E-S-P-E-C-T). This isn't a bad thing, and I'm sure I'll go more into detail at a later time but yeah... It's new and weird.

So with my lack of sleep it was a bitch to get up at 7am. Today was run day but I had so much on my mind that I said screw it and went for a walk instead. I walked for 45 mins.

Today my food habits were good too.

Breakfast: hard boiled egg

Lunch:apple

Snack: shrimp taco

Dinner: 2 bits of steak, some corn, and green beans

I could have done without the shrimp taco but oh well. I doubt that'll be the cause of my lack of progress.

I've made alot of changes in the last week and I'm digging it. I was talking to a friend today who said I'm too hard on myself and that I should be proud I'm doing something rather than nothing (I was bitching about walking and not running) I thought about that for a moment but realized if I didn't admit my mistakes of yesterday I wouldn't work harder than that today.

Point is I did shit today, and I'll do more tomorrow, and more the next day.

[SlightlyAmused]

Oh weekend how we need a better plan.

I'll keep this short as its easter and my kids and I are doing that quality time thing.

Food

I havnt eaten much as of Friday. This weekends meals have been crap though.

1 egg roll from the corner place

Bowl of broccoli and chicken

Half of a Reese easter bunny

4 hardboiled eggs

Noodles and meatballs

Alot of carrots

Alot of green been soup like thing.

While it's much better than what I often have (a bag of pizza rolls and a hot pocket) I'm still not happy. I'll be more mindful of this as I go.

Exercise stuff:

Nothing the past two days. I did walk 45 mins on Friday but not doing anything, or setting time aside to do it, has made me question what I will be doing during my off days. I'll review that part of it tonight after I finish with the kids.

Mood:

Eh, I'm working on it. I mean, I feel good and all but I got alot on my mind. I'm starting to see that relationships are dangerous for me and I need to take a step back from most of them while I figure myself out.

All in all my goals for the weekend were not met. That's OK as it gives me an opportunity to review what's working and what needs more attention.

[SlightlyAmused]

Woot!

This marks 2 full weeks and the end of my first six week... Math skills aside I think I did good for just getting into it all. I think I'm going to try and post a recap of badassery here every three weeks, and then the general crap will keep on daily or every other day. This has been helpful in keeping me focused on doing productive shit.

Recaps!

So I've gone from eating a bag of pizza rolls, some hot pockets, taco bell, and Wendy's to eating hard boiled eggs, an apple a day (screw you doctor), and some meats and green things. I still give myself the occasional taco bell. Something about that fake meat just hits the spot so damn good.

I've also started to prep my "to go meals" on a weekly basis. Usually these are chicken salads or steak tips. They have come in pretty handy. As for snack food I've found a good trail mix that fits the bill.

As for workouts I've made a few changes that I feel more comfortable with. I have been doing the bodyweight workout listed on NF to get my muscles remembering how to move, and I would say that it's working. I figure in about one more week I'll need to step up the exercises to feel the effects. Running has come to a stop and has been replaced with walking 1 hour a day. Short Story is I fell pretty good in the Army and jacked my knees up bad, so running makes the pain worse. That sucks as I was hoping it would help but Nope. Good news is that walking makes the pain stop so who knows, maybe after I build these little legs up I can get into running.

I now wake up at 645am. 45 mins to go and I will have hit that goal. It's amazing to be able to wake up and read the news, scour these forums for people with 0 replies, workout, and still have time for everything else. Of all my goals this one is the one I am most happy with so far.

Things I will be working on:

Food during the weekends sucks. I'm going to knock some shopping out here soon to fix that situation.

I'm intrested in crossfit still so I may pull a few WOD sheets and set up a 3x a week plan with some modification for distance running until I get this knee under control.

All in all this has been the longest lasting, non forced fitness plan I have had and I'm digging it.

[Wolf]

I love reading your progress, even though I don't comment that often.

Keep doing the good work, we've (aka the NFers) got your back;)

[SlightlyAmused]

My life as of writing this is changing a lot. I have made a new friend who is helping keep me on track, I have found a passion in working out (even though I hate it before I begin), I have begun to wake up more early, I am eating better even though taco bell is still a vice, and I am being more honest with myself every day. Just one month ago I was in an unhappy marriage, I was thinking about suicide a majority of the time, and eating nothing but pizza rolls and hot pockets. All of this didn’t just happen suddenly though, it was created by me. Which got me to thinking after a conversation I had with someone today about how crazy this life is. How is it that life gives us these things at the most random of times? Since I, like a lot of nerds, am an escapist I thought about video games. That’s when it hit me, this is all level design!

 

SlightlyAmused presents his convolved ideas relating level design and life!
Warning: Adult language and poorly conceived ideas ahead.

 

So before we look at life let’s look at level design.

 

Example one: You start the game with all your powers and they get stripped away. This shows you just how bad ass your character can be in the future. The problem here is that you just went from having every upgrade to having nothing, now its feels unfair until you get at least half way built back up. For this post we will refer to this type of design as the “damnit design.†This is rare as not many games seem to do this.

 

Example two: This is more like what you see in role playing games. Here you have a character that you are introduced to or create. The first mission or two are usually epic in how they feel. You and your friends wait outside the cave to lure what could be an endless horde of goblins out after you’ve devised a solid plan, or you rush in to beat the earth elementals ass after the centaur you just laid the hurt on has run away and summoned it. After this mission you feel empowered and have a feel for the pace of the game. You know within the first 20 minutes if you enjoy it or not. This is going to be called the “Immersion approachâ€

 

Example three: The old school crowd might remember this as being that standard way video games start. In Mario you just run, in Zelda you just move, in Blaster Master you just drive…or walk….or what ever it was, in Metroid you land on the planet and its go time. You start with nothing and slowly collect things that build you up in the game to make you a bad ass mofo who can lay waste to a demigod in an airship by the end of it all. This is going to be the “old school designâ€.

 

So in designing a game there is a constant force you are dealing with and that is progress. You can fight it all you want but at some point you need to make a decision to turn the game off and never play it again, or progress. All three game types I described have this. With the immersion approach we have D&D. Sure after all this you can just say screw it and go sit at the tavern and drink, its actually expected you will get into a bar fight but that’s aside the point. The story will (if your DM is good) move on without you, nagging at you to be involved. With the Old School design we have games like Zelda where you could never pick up the sword if you didn’t want, or you could never get any of the items. That’s it, the game ends for you. You can try to get to a different spot in the game but you’ll be so under-powered that you’ll just die. As you collect your items, level your character, or just simply get better at the tactics you can take on more in the game. You eventually see new wonderful things and experience a rich story that lasts in your memory forever. Games like Earthbound (my number 1 of all time) are like this. You have zero chance in beating the first boss Frank without tactics; you will die. Every creature up to that point is simply “attack until dead.†However, once you learn how to fight smart and equip yourself for higher level areas you start to enjoy a story unlike any other that could very well change the way you see things in real life. My final example is with GTA San Andreas. We took our character to the gym to build up his survivability. Without it we wouldn’t have been able to beat the bike challenges that took us down mountain paths. We went and talked to Big Smoke because we wanted to progress the story. No one who has played that game can sit here and say “But Slight, he seemed like such a swell guy!†No he didn’t, stop lying to yourself.

 

How does all of this relate to anything? I’ll continue my wall of text and hopefully explain how I see a connection.

 

Your life is the level, or game. You came into this world in one of these ways. I come from a family of problems. My dad beat the living shit out of me and my mom until he went to jail, my mom never stopped drinking and the guy she met after him wasn’t any better. I bounced at the age 15 to go live with a few crack heads and later joined the Army. I consider my life the immersion approach. However, each of us can classify our beginnings however the fuck we want. What’s important is progress. We live in an open world, and just like any open world game you can’t experience it all unless you level up, or train. Life seems to do this thing that video games do where after you’ve gotten comfortable in a level it bumps you up. You are now faced with new challenges and problems, you have to dig deeper and the challenge gets more difficult to face. However, the personal rewards are great when you realize you just beat the fourth level of Contra without cheats. Our life is just the same. We have all these things that life is presenting to us as items to help us enjoy the game and its secrets. We make friends at odd times, we see problems with friendships, we deal with old friendships failing (You knew Big smoke was a problem but you kept giving him a chance.) All of these are the events in our life that keep us from progress. How we handle them will allow us to move up to the next stage, which is more challenging, but more beautiful in every sense. I assume most people here have beaten video games like this. So why did we stop progressing in life? We put so much effort into our characters and living their life that we forgot that right outside, maybe half a mile away, there is something epic waiting for us. A concert, a new connection, a rock climbing wall, a tattoo shop, anything!
This isn’t to say it’s all pretty and beautiful once we level up. In earthbound, towards the middle of the game, you are in a town called Threed. Its dark, filled with zombies and ghost, and a random prostitute who knocks you out. When you follow the prostitute you know it’s a bad idea, hell coming to Threed feels like a bad idea overall, but you don’t let that stop you. You accept the bad decisions for what they were and work towards making the situation better for yourself. You struggle with little support in Threed and somehow come out on top. The clouds part and the city becomes beautiful. This is life. Sometimes we do end up in a place that isn’t nice or happy, but that’s not a reason to stop. It’s not a reason to just roll over and say “I made bad choices and there’s no coming back from that.†It’s actually a reason to fight through it and learn. Do you think our young friend Ness followed another prostitute in the game? Nope…sure didn’t. Sometimes we don’t have any support during these times and it becomes a test of character, yet we come out stronger and more sure of what we are made of.
I have always said that life is just one big game. Now I think the meaning behind that saying is a lot deeper than I gave it credit for. My life is just one big game and for far too long I made no progress. I stayed in the pleasant town of Onett (earthbound reference again sorry) and just enjoyed the comfort. In February I said fuck that. I beat the major obstacle in front of me and moved into Twoson. I’ve only been with this site for two or three weeks and so much has changed. I’m still dealing with challenges but life has presented me with tools to help in beating them. NF has been one of the best tools I’ve found so far, and this community has been amazing to say the least. My point in all of this is to just enjoy the game to its fullest. You don’t leave crappy gear on your character because it looks cool. You buy transmutation stones and make it the epic gear look how you want. You don’t keep the bat you start with as a weapon because it’s comfortable, you upgrade that bat so you can level up.

 

 

Don’t stop leveling up.

 

[SlightlyAmused]

So today was OK.

I was up a little before six and went on a walk. My arms were sore from yesterday's bodyweight stuff so I didn't do any strength stuff right away. I found my resistance bands and used those in the afternoon.

Food was not so great.

B=2 eggs

L=burrito from taco bell

D=Hot pocket. I don't think I'll ever eat a hot pocket again lol. That was gross.

I did only drink water so that was good as there were alot of moments I could have gone with something else.

I made a huge change in my life and have removed myself from someone who I really loved. It was tough and I'm sure I'll go more into detail soon here but yeah, it's not a poor me situation. I fucked her life up and me stepping away was the only way to amend that. It hurts but as the post above explains life has been really funny as of late in giving me a very odd support system for everything.

Regardless

Tomorrow will be better

[SlightlyAmused]

I went crazy!!!

Seriously though. I ended up checking myself into a psych ward for a few days due to randomly wanting to kill myself. It wasn't random but yeah... It's alot of bullshit that I am just not going to get into here.

However, I still stuck to my walking and exercise while I was there. This was huge for me. I also realized I weigh 208 lbs. If I can drop 8 more I'll be damn happy. Regardless, that completes my goal of losing 15lbs.

Food hasn't been so great. While I really tried to eat paleo at the hospital it didn't work out and I have been in a bit of a funk even now so my food choices have been poor. I feel like my diet is more like 60% clean and 40% crap. I need to hammer down on that.

Anyhow, just posting an update here incase folks read it.

[swiftblade]

I went crazy!!!

Seriously though. I ended up checking myself into a psych ward for a few days due to randomly wanting to kill myself. It wasn't random but yeah... It's alot of bullshit that I am just not going to get into here.

However, I still stuck to my walking and exercise while I was there. This was huge for me. I also realized I weigh 208 lbs. If I can drop 8 more I'll be damn happy. Regardless, that completes my goal of losing 15lbs.

Food hasn't been so great. While I really tried to eat paleo at the hospital it didn't work out and I have been in a bit of a funk even now so my food choices have been poor. I feel like my diet is more like 60% clean and 40% crap. I need to hammer down on that.

Anyhow, just posting an update here incase folks read it.

Better make that spreadsheet. Lol. I need a lot of work on my diet.

[SlightlyAmused]

I'll have it up by tomorrow =)

[swiftblade]

I'll have it up by tomorrow =)

Awesome. [emoji3] look forward to it.

[Wolf]

Really sorry to hear about your troubles. However, happy you are back!

However, I still stuck to my walking and exercise while I was there.

THIS IS HUGE! - and in a good way. You were dealing with a lot of sh*t AND taking care of yourself.

[SlightlyAmused]

Damn....fell off the wagon hard lol. Ive been adjusting to my new meds, which are really helping. Ive also been dealing with a relationship that is causing me more pain than anything else in my life...ive distanced myself from it pretty far though. Still hurts but yeah...not sure if anyone reads this really but fuck it. Ive been feeling pretty hollow as of late and I'm thinking that's part of my motivation problem. I'm really fighting it but bad habits are creeping back in. Ive been drinking almost every single night. Ive also been doing the school thing and thats a lot of studying (summer classes suck). I need to seriously just get my ass back on track. Ive lost progress and it feels like I'm losing more and more as days go. I need to find my drive again. Oh well, I'm working towards it. I should just say fuck it and do it....fake it until you make it right?

[Wolf]

Well, there is nothin' like a good respawn. Are you planning on joining the next challenge?