Cinda's turn to burn!

[Cinda]

Tl;dr

Need a personal yet public place to work through my bad eating and booze habits. Just moved to another new city, (I've had 6 addresses this past year) and now I'm somewhat settled, there is no excuse to be binging on food an drink. None.

I am at my heaviest EVER, and feel very embarrassed.

Here in lies my travellers log, earthdate 5.10.2015

98.5kg.

Long term goal: run Tough Mudder again in May but with more ease. Do some actual running.

Short term goal: be under 95kg by the start of next month.

How: keep lifting weights (yes a little counter productive to weight loss, but it's my happy place.) keep doing C25k, get over that half way hurdle. Find other employment. Almost feels crazy to quit my job to form better habits, but i feel it will be worth it. Work through emotional problems to find the root of why I eat the way I eat.

Long version:

Ok, so recently I joined a fb group to help keep me and others accountable. But I seriously felt like no-one (especially people I have just met) want to see my struggles pop up in my news feed, possibly daily. Ew what a downer! So my mind drifted back to NF where I had great success in the past, and felt like a safe place to be accountable, but out of other people's way haha

Today I top the scales at 98.5kg. My heaviest EVER. That's 25kg in 2 years. Needless to say my personal an professional life has not been good in that time.

I'm an emotional eater, and this doesn't help when I cook for a living. Things in the kitchen get stressy, and I literally don't have time to deal with how I'm feeling. So I cram food in my mouth so I can continue with service. (If you've never worked in a kitchen before, you probably won't understand the things like we don't get breaks unless you're a smoker (I gave up this year) and being on your feet for 8-9 hours a day means you eat what and when you can. Also the term "harden the feck up princess" gets used a lot if you even suggest being tired or emotionally drained)

Anyways. The reason I am here is for accountability. I am overweight because I am an emotional eater. I get into panics, where I just can't think, and despite trying to have good practices in place, in that moment I just don't care. The panic takes over.

I need to find what it is that is going to drive my life forward in the right direction. It's all well and good to stand here and say "I see that I am over weight and must do something about it" but if there is no drive, if it is not more important than having drinks after work to cope or crap food when I go out with friends, then I will get nowhere.

I need to find my drive, to have a really long and hard talk with myself. I need to find other ways to cope. I also feel I need the support of an amazing group of rebels who have been where I'm at.

So yes! If you got this far wow, thank you for reading. Any advice if accepted with open arms. I've been around the block a couple times with working out and paleo, I just can't sort out my brain case atm hence this I guess- my new place for mental vomit ;P

[Cinda]

Earthdate: 5/10/2015 - public holiday

Tl;dr

Ate well all day, didn't count calories but kept it paleo and only ate for the right reasons. Walked in the morning, big deadlift session at the gym, then walked again this evening (cooler for the doggles). Busted out an over due assignment, and in bed at reasonable time for class tomorrow.

High five me!

Long boring shit:

First new day off the ranks has been a good one. Took a walk in the morning and used the time to think. I got out of a shit relationship a year ago and it's been eating me up. But recently some of that weight has been lifting, as I start to "forgive myself" for being such a dick and staying for so long. I still feel like there is a stupid thin thread connecting me to that shit, and I am making myself think about my goals, and learning to love me a bit more instead of trying to banish the hurt by hating him. It's obviously more complicated, but the important thing is I felt a little freer of that today. And that was nice. I need to believe I am worth more. My mistakes don't define me, and being kinder to myself is going to work better as a motivator than hating on myself.

[Cinda]

Tuesday 6/10/2015

Good day was good! Diet on target, minor 3pm binge on protein bar and blueberries. Didn't get to the gym, but did make sure I hit my 10k steps. Class was good, when isn't it when you get to play with puppies all day and I think I'm feeling less anxious. All part of the healing.

Also got a possible interview for a new job! Whoop! Getting out of the kitchen will hopefully help with my stress and food intake

[SparkleFunPower]

I love it! You're super honest. You can do it, you just got to believe in yourself!

[Cinda]

Haha thanks! I think so much of my journey is going to be about being honest with myself, honest when I look in the mirror, with how I still feel about the past and what I want for my future. This thread is just as much about reminding myself how far I've come mentally as it is about physical improvements

7/10/2015

Today I woke up dreaming of running the Spartan race this weekend in Sydney. MAN I wish I could go! But alas, I haven't had a chance to recover my savings and have tuition to pay in the coming months

My head for some reason is having one of those "think of all the embarrassing shit you've done and feel crappy about it" mornings -.- just little things like speaking too loudly in a public place and my friends reprimanding me, but you know how you can replay that kinda thing til it seems so much worse! So was a little lax in breakfast: two eggs and 2 serves of chia pudding instead of my usual 1.

Wish the dog wouldn't wake me up at 7am on my days off too- would love me some extra sleep right now... But never fear- almost time to go run errands, some new gym clothes perhaps and a good shoulders session in the gym!

It's not too late to restart this day right! AROO!

[Cinda]

10.10.15

Not super psyched with the past couple of days! No gym Thursday - but I DID have a job interview which I feel was promising! so that stressed me out a bit and I had a couple of drinks Thursday night. I should have gone to the gym, but I made excuses and now regret it. No more excuses if I want this badly enough.

Yesterday I also didn't go to the gym, and once again I think I made a poor excuse. I donate plasma every two weeks on a Friday afternoon. They say to not lift heavy objects or go to hard after a donation but I have before without fainting or anything, so maybe I would have been fine...

Came home and had a nap instead I'm not super proud to say- but I have been sleeping really badly lately. Still, no excuses. Didn't even hit my 10k steps, which just isn't good enough!

Have to go to work today boo. I'm really not looking forward to it >.> knowing I'll have to work with that girl with the bad attitude and have good food habits is hard! But I'm hopefully working elsewhere soon! One day at a time!

Also very bummed I'm not at the Spartan Super in Sydney today 😭 Sooooo sad.