Life Imitating Games

[feralMorra]

Hi there.  I've been a part of the Academy for a while, but this is my first time venturing onto the forums.

 

A bit of background:

 

I'm a 20-something California girl currently living in Florida and looking for a new lease on life.  My story is probably a lot like many of the others here, but it's mine.  I grew up considering myself to be fairly healthy, always loving my vegetables and playing softball for exercise.  In high school I started gaining weight and my body image turned very toxic.  I was a chronic cardio nut, waking up before my family to run on the treadmill in secret.  The weight didn't come off and I was constantly tired.  This trend continued into college until I injured my knee pretty badly.  I stopped exercising all together, except for the occasional lightsaber battle at the Star Wars LARP I participated in.  After my first year at school I dropped out and eventually got married.  I joined the Academy almost two years ago and was making great progress.  Then life happened.  I started working overnights at a casino, which I hated.  My eating habits devolved.  I wasn't sleeping.  Depression crept into my life.  And then I got divorced.  That was eight months ago.  I fell into a slump the likes of which I have never experienced, but I'm finally ready to get better.  I'm finally ready to take my life back.

 

Several years ago I played in a short lived D&D campaign as the party's druid.  Now, Mor'ra was a simple creature; being the member of a cat-like race all she really cared about was fighting, eating, and sleeping.  (Yes, for you DBZ fans out there I realize she was basically Goku).  I loved playing her.  And I realized that mindset would be a great approach for my respawn, so I decided to become my character in real life.  My motto is going to be What Would Mor'ra Do?

 

I understand a lot of this is very personal and I appreciate any of you sticking with me.  Normally I'm don't participate on internet forums, but I'm willing to try different approaches until something works.  Hopefully this battle log will help me keep track of my progress, especially with my yoga practice and eating habits.  And just for clarification, I don't consider myself "fat".  I've gained weight, yes, and it bothers me, but I know I'm by no means obese.  Honestly, I just want to feel good about life again.

 

Nerdy stuff: I was a nerd in denial for a long time.  I knew guys in high school that played D&D and Magic, but shunned them for being "the weird kids" (yes, I was a jerk).  I've always been a big fantasy lover, though, and once I got away from high school I became a tabletop fiend.  Almost all of my current friends I know through a local Star Wars LARP.  Minecraft is the only video game I play consistently.  And I love me some nerdy TV (I've finally gotten into Doctor Who).

 

Much love!

Mor'ra

[feralMorra]

Not feeling the best today.  Did 5 Sun Salutations A and 2 Sun Salutations B.  Ate some tacos and tortilla chips for lunch, which is better than the large pizzas I've been eating almost everyday for the last few weeks.  A bit of peanut butter for a snack and zucchini for dinner.  I know that's not nearly enough food, but it's what I could manage.  Tomorrow will be better.

[feralMorra]

Still not feeling the best.  Managed 5 Sun Salutes A and 3 Sun Salutes B along with some meditation.  I really need to go grocery shopping for actual food since I have nothing here at home.  Not having a car is making that so difficult, though.  Splitting headache from too many carbs (sugar) today.  Took a 4 hour "nap"; still tired.  Tired all the time...

[feralMorra]

Brain is resisting change.  It doesn't want to start working again, doesn't want to worry about making better food choices and consistently being active. These last few days have been mostly old bad habits.

 

The biggest roadblock for me right now is my diet.  Normally that wouldn't be a problem; I like cooking and I know what foods to eat to help me function optimally.  The problem lies in the fact that I don't have a car right now and the nearest grocery store is 4 miles away.  The only restaurants in my area are a burger joint and three pizza places.  Taking the bus generally means a 2 hour grocery trip.  So I asked myself "What would Mor'ra do?"

 

Mor'ra is a forest dwelling druid.  It's not exactly like there's a grocery store she can go to.  And 4 miles is nothing when you're tracking big game.  With that in mind I bit the bullet and got an Uber to go foraging at the store.  I'm really proud of my purchases.  The most processed thing I bought was some breakfast sausage.

 

My appetite has been really sluggish lately.  I'm hoping once my gut gets used to eating "real" food again I'll be more hungry because I hate forcing myself to eat.  I know I need to though; my body is suffering because it's not getting the right fuel and enough fuel in general.  Despite not doing any yoga these last two days, I still haven't recovered enough to do even 2 Sun Salutes.  That's really bad.  So, better eating habits are my main priority right now.

 

Breakfast was half a baked sweet potato and kale sauteed with some crumbled breakfast sausage, along with 2 scrambled eggs on top (and butter added).  Had trouble finishing the potato, but I knew I needed to.  Snacked on some raspberries and cranberries, too.  Packed a roasted chicken quarter and rice with zucchini for lunch.  I'm going to try to have a green salad for dinner.

 

A word on the rice: my eventual goal is to get back to full Paleo or as close as I can get, but the last attempt I made I wasn't eating nearly enough carbs (probably 30-50 grams for three months).  Rice is the easiest way for me to ramp up the carbs right now without going back to bread (which gives me trouble most days), so it's what I'm going with.  I'm trying to make things as simple as possible until I get back on my feet.  Once I've gained some momentum and everything isn't a struggle to reprogram I'm cut the rice out.

 

One day closer to feeling better.

 

EDIT: ate mashed potatoes and bacon instead of the rice with zucchini for lunch along with some cucumbers and bell peppers.  SOO good.

[feralMorra]

What a difference good food and ample sleep can make.  Felt like an entirely different person yesterday; I was alert, happy, and motivated.  Woke up this morning and managed 5 Sun Salutes A and 1 Sun Salute B which is better than the last two days.  So yay, instant results!

 

Breakfast was pretty much the same as yesterday except for no eggs and I also ate a small spoonful of peanut butter.  Finishing the potato was easier; my appetite is coming back.  Lunch will (hopefully) be another chicken quarter and the zucchini with rice.  Dinner plan is another salad.  I'm trying to keep things simple until I get into the habit of eating better, so my menu is going to look pretty repetitive for a while (or at least until I get bored).

 

My only worry right now is low carb flu hitting me in a week or so.  Since I've been eating so many heavily processed carbs lately (mostly in the form of pizza), I'm pretty sure it's going to smack me hard.  I'll need to prepare for that.  Maybe I'll make some soups to stock up the freezer with so I don't have to try and cook while feeling awful.  Like a squirrel saving nuts for the lean times.

[Darth Yoga]

Hey Mor'ra! I just wanted to say I totally understand the struggle to get a sluggish appetite interested in food, especially when switching to a healthier diet. If you really aren't getting enough food, it might help to keep dried fruit and nuts on hand, for snacking. When I've had times when I was really under weight, I'd keep a big jar of natural peanut butter on the counter, and just grab a spoonful of it whenever I'd walk past. Also, I highly recommend you stock up some prepared healthy food. I routinely make big pots of something nutritious, and package up little single-serving containers of it, for all the times when food prep is daunting. Five or six little meal-pods go in the fridge, and if there is more, they go in the freezer. 

 

Also, I don't know what your overall fitness level is, or what the roads are like between you and the grocery store, but 4 miles isn't a wildly unreasonable distance to cycle. Florida is pretty flat, right? It might not be much faster than the bus, but you'll be getting some hardcore cardio endurance in. Besides, there is something really awesome about your workout being the thing you for-real MUST do in order to eat. It gives a sense of purpose to your activity, instead of just clocking miles.

 

Anyway, keep at it!

[feralMorra]

Hey Mor'ra! I just wanted to say I totally understand the struggle to get a sluggish appetite interested in food, especially when switching to a healthier diet. If you really aren't getting enough food, it might help to keep dried fruit and nuts on hand, for snacking. When I've had times when I was really under weight, I'd keep a big jar of natural peanut butter on the counter, and just grab a spoonful of it whenever I'd walk past. Also, I highly recommend you stock up some prepared healthy food. I routinely make big pots of something nutritious, and package up little single-serving containers of it, for all the times when food prep is daunting. Five or six little meal-pods go in the fridge, and if there is more, they go in the freezer. 

 

Also, I don't know what your overall fitness level is, or what the roads are like between you and the grocery store, but 4 miles isn't a wildly unreasonable distance to cycle. Florida is pretty flat, right? It might not be much faster than the bus, but you'll be getting some hardcore cardio endurance in. Besides, there is something really awesome about your workout being the thing you for-real MUST do in order to eat. It gives a sense of purpose to your activity, instead of just clocking miles.

 

Anyway, keep at it!

Great advice, thanks!  I actually have considered getting a bike for running errands, just haven't felt motivated enough to be honest.  But I've been feeling better so that might be a good option soon.  I've done really well with my eating this past week and my appetite is finally coming back!  It's nice not having food feel like it's just sitting in your stomach for hours on end.

[feralMorra]

Last two days have been consistent with the previous ones, the only difference being that I had only a small bit of potato for breakfast yesterday because I knew I was going out for sushi with a friend later in the day.  I've managed to eat something green with every meal this past week, which is a big deal considering it's been months since I've consistently eaten vegetables.

 

I do wish I could achieve more on the yoga/fitness front right now, but as long as I do -something- (even only 1 Sun Salute) I'm trying to see it as a win.  My instinct right now is to go from zero to sixty with change, but I know from past experience that doesn't work.  So, small wins and minuscule change.  Trying to be gentle with myself by not getting frustrated with slow progress.  Trees don't reach their full splendor in a day; neither will I.

[feralMorra]

*crawls back out from the Cave of Failure*

 

Well that did not go as planned. Due to admittedly unavoidable happenings my good eating habits broke down pretty rapidly, so now I'm back at square one. Again. The heart burn has returned and the brain fog is the worst it's been in a long while. I'm tired a lot, but am having trouble sleeping. But I have a fully stocked fridge once again and I plan on getting back to where I want tomorrow. 

 

I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of an all or nothing person when it comes to healthy eating. I can't just have one cookie. One cookie turns into two cookies tomorrow and then a slice of pizza the next day until I'm right back in the hole again. So any changes I decide to make I have to make them for good.

 

This morning was a little depressing. I can barely fit into my work pants and according to the scale (which I never use), I've hit 180 pounds. I've never been this heavy before and it makes me feel awful. Plus, with all the crap food I've been eating again I feel physically awful on top of that.

 

As far as the exercise thing goes I haven't been doing that either, nothing. I need a more structured plan and goal so I feel as if I'm making progress. I LOVE practicing yoga, but it's not as goal-oriented or specific as saying "I want to be able to do a handstand by my birthday". So I think for now I might table the yoga for a week or two until I feel I've made progress with something else. Unfortunately I missed the start of the latest six week challenge, but that doesn't mean I can't start one of my own tomorrow. Thanks to one of the lovely ladies on the Facebook page I found the One Hundred Pushups program. Now, this seems daunting to me. I can't even manage 5 good form pushups right now and in six weeks I'm going to attempt 100? But you know what? Go big or go home. I need a goal, something to work towards. I'm tired of making excuses and in some ways, "going easy" on myself hasn't helped. So it's time to ramp it up a few notches; as long as I maintain an attitude of self-compassion, pushing myself harder won't be negative. Once I feel I'm making progress on that front I'll add the yoga back into my routine. I'm also hoping to squeeze in a "fun workout" day into each week, specifically rock climbing. That will come later, though.

 

I'll continue to tweak this plan as the week goes on and will continue to tweak it as needed. This is not going to be easy. My brain has been rejecting the habit changes so much and most days lately I just feel like accepting my fate by stuffing my face full of pizza until I'm sick. Giving up to be the fattest, most apathetic person I can be. But I know that wouldn't be easier, in the long run anyway. I guess I'm just really tired of setbacks...

[feralMorra]

Today went well. Had a roasted sweet potato and kale with crumbled sausage for breakfast. Drank a bit of tea and prepped some food for the rest of the week. My appetite seems to be good because I was hungry again before lunch, so yay? Lunch was a roasted chicken quarter with zucchini and rice, olive oil added. "Dinner" was a spoonful of peanut butter and some yogurt. I know that's not really enough food for the day, but I'm just trying to focus on eating the right kind of food this first week. I can add more calories as needed later. Although I will say that I am hardcore craving some fried cheese sticks right now...

 

Not sure how but I really screwed up my right knee. Walking isn't painful, per se, but the outside of it really hurts when I try to squat down or lunge. Which is bizarre because it wasn't giving me any problems yesterday and I haven't done any sort of leg exercises in weeks. It feels like... something isn't moving correctly, out of place perhaps and the actual knee cap pops occasionally. After being on my feet all day at work it's a little swollen too. Going to ice it before bed and hope things are better in the morning.

 

The One Hundred Pushup Challenge: Completed the first workout (barely). Not going to lie, it's a bit discouraging feeling so weak because I can barely do three consecutive pushups. But, the first hole is the hardest (for those of you who have read the book Holes).

[feralMorra]

Yesterday was... weird. The morning started well enough. I was a bit tired but I managed to get up and make myself a good breakfast (the same thing I've been eating). Shoulders were quite sore from the pushups, so I tried to stretch some. The knee felt a little better but I'm on my feet all day at work so that aggravated it again. Lunch was chicken and rice with zucchini again. Despite sounding bland it's actually really delicious. Dinner was an amazing eggplant curry that I made with coconut milk and tomatoes and stuff.

If I had just gone home and gone to bed after that I would have called the day a success. Unfortunately I decided to stay at a friend's house for the night. My mood suddenly turned depressive and I was terrible company. And then I raided his pantry to eat some pickles, potato chips, and a large spoonful of Nutella. Admittedly not my best moment. I'm trying hard to get past the emotional eating, but I'm only in week one of the respawn. Rome, built in a day, blah blah. Went to sleep a little late but feeling well rested. Started my period today. Some might blame my mood to that, but I've never really had PMS issues and I don't like using it as an excuse. Hoping for a better day today.

[feralMorra]

Yesterday was better than I expected. I was a little worried after how I felt the previous day that I wouldn't be able to eat properly, but I managed to mostly behave myself. I run a D&D game on Sundays and my group... doesn't eat the healthiest. I planned ahead though and brought my own food so I had my standard breakfast this week of kale, sausage, and sweet potato. Had a little sushi as a snack and a late lunch of my eggplant curry with roasted chicken. Dinner didn't really happen for me, but I managed to resist the pizza that everyone else ordered (w00t!). I did cave and eat some of the Doritios that were sitting on the table, but considering there was fudge sitting out as well I say I did pretty great.

 

One Hundred Pushup Challenge: Did day 2 yesterday, but had to do about half the pushups on my knees. That's not bad, I'm still making progress. Less sore today and ready for tomorrow's workout.

[feralMorra]

Today was a bit rough. I was feeling slightly under the weather (read: hungover) so I didn't eat until almost 2pm. Went to Outback Steakhouse with a friend and did pretty well. Ate steak and shrimp with mixed veggies and a baked potato. Also had some of a blooming onion. We skipped the bread though so that's a win. Had terrible sugar cravings later, but I managed to not go get a milkshake like my brain was screaming at me to do. I need to pick up more fruit herbal teas; that seems to help curb my sweet tooth a bit. Plus I just love tea.

 

I really want to ramp up my strength training routine, but I know that would be a bad idea. My knee is still popping strangely and I'm having a hard enough time with the pushups. Honestly it just doesn't feel very satisfying to prep for my workout and then only do 5 sets of (minimal) pushups. Everything in it's own time though. I know that building a good foundation now will ensure great results later. I guess I just want to skip ahead to the part where I'm doing awesome handstands and fun parkour vaults. One more week of just the pushups and I'll ease myself back into my yoga practice. Watch out world, Mor'ra, the druid that trains like an assassin is coming for you!

 

One Hundred Pushup Challenge: Day 3 went off without a hitch. Even less sore today. Still had to do some of the pushups on my knees, but I can do three really good ones on my toes which is clear progress!

[feralMorra]

Yesterday... yesterday tested me. Breakfast was the same, but went over to a friend's house afterwards and only ate snap peas for lunch. Dinner at their place was great, though. Indian butter chicken and cauliflower rice with more peas. Win! I managed to avoid all the leftover Halloween candy the have sitting out, but did eat a sorbet push-pop. Also had a glass of sangria with dinner. The best part of yesterday was going rock climbing for the first time! I had a blast and definitely want to make it a more regular part of my routine. The gym is tragically far from my house, but I'll find a way to make it work.

 

Today wasn't the best either. I've run out of most of my premade food and haven't restocked so breakfast this morning was just a sweet potato. Lunch was two chicken breasts, plantains with butter, and a little shepherd's pie (I know, no veggies...). Dinner was eggplant curry. Honestly, I'm a bit hungry right now but it is WAY too late to eat anything. Arms are a tiny bit sore from rock climbing, but nothing drastic. And my knee... still hurts. It wasn't bothering me on my days off because I wasn't as active but going back to work today aggravated it again. Grrr... Really not sure what to do about it.

 

Also decided to change my class to Assassin. It's not really a big deal, but I feel like it fits my long term goals better and I like having a theme that gives me structure (if that makes sense). I'll still be practicing yoga and meditating, those just won't be my focus (unless I change my mind again). So yeah, Assassin with levels in Druid. I like this.

[feralMorra]

Back again. Backslid a little, but I don't feel terrible about myself like last time.

 

This week has really been about me finding out what I need to function properly, which I feel is important progress. As long as I can remember I've been a mostly solitary person. My parents were always pushing me out of the house to go play with other kids when all I really wanted to do was read or play with LEGOs alone. That's not to say I didn't have friends or wasn't social, I just really preferred my own company. I was also painfully shy, so I guess they always figured I needed to come out of my shell. Really though, I'm just an introvert. I'm much less shy now and love going to parties, but only if I have time to myself to recharge later. Being high energy or interacting with groups larger than say two people are emotionally draining activities for me. Currently I work at a casino, so three or four days a week I have to do those exact things and interact with hundreds of people in a loud, bright place. It's sensory overload for me. Most of the time I can handle it, but these last few weeks I haven't had a single day to myself. I've been feeling more and more run down as I've tried to push myself to be physically and emotionally available to friends and customers. Top that off with trying to change unhealthy habits and you have a recipe for a breakdown. It finally caught up with me yesterday. I was at a friend's place to run my D&D game and I could not handle it. I ended up hiding under a blanket on the couch the entire time (I couldn't go home because of lack of car). So today I took the day off from all human contact and just relaxed with my cat. I can already feel myself becoming more energized. Tomorrow I'll probably have an alone day too.

 

Accepting this... aspect of myself has actually been kind of difficult. Most of my friends are extroverts so they really don't understand my need to be alone at times and it occasionally makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. But really it's not because I'm having a bad day (usually), it's not that any is wrong at all, it's just how my mind recovers. I don't hate people, I love them. I love being social and talking and sharing ideas and going out in the world, but only if I can have those precious days of complete solitude. It actually really annoys me when I say I'm taking a personal day (or few days) and people try to hug me or send messages asking if I'm okay or what they can do to help. I know they mean well, but when I want to be alone I want to be alone. There's nothing wrong, I am recovering.

 

Coming to this realization and accepting it is a huge breakthrough. I need to commit to having at least one day a week alone now to give myself the proper mental recovery I need. A rest day for my brain, if you will. I honestly think my progress is going to go through the roof if I stick with it. That plus regular meditation and I'll be more than capable of handling changes.

 

Thankfully I've been able to stick to my pushup challenge despite not dealing well. My progress has definitely slowed, though. I can manage 6 consecutive pushups, which is clear progress, just not what I was hoping for. Trying to not get down on myself about it.

 

My knee finally seems to be better, so I'm going to ease back into my yoga practice either tomorrow or the day after. Baby steps.

[feralMorra]

Every day lately feels like it takes three times the required effort. I'm so tired all the time and I can't bring myself to eat properly, which makes me feel worse. I don't even want to eat most days. I hate food.

 

Okay, now that that's out. I have really been trying to keep up with my 6 week pushup challenge. I've had to switch to incline pushups and even then they're difficult. Probably because of my poor eating and sleeping habits. I know part of the problem is my Batcave. I'm currently living with 4 other people in a house with very thin walls. I don't have my own room; I've been sleeping on a mattress in the kitchen. That plus no car... Thankfully the rent is really cheap so I've been saving up for a car and my own apartment. With any luck I'll have both by March.

 

I know once I get past this I'll be stronger for it, but right now I'm just so tired. I'm tired of treading water everyday, waiting for that next wave to pull me under. I want to get better so badly, but there doesn't seem to be any end right now.

 

Maybe if I just sleep enough my outlook will be better.

[feralMorra]

I'm still here. Barely.

 

Pushups have fallen by the wayside. Eating has been terrible.

 

I need movement every day. In these beginning stages it's way too easy for me to not start again after my rest days, so every other day exercising isn't working well. Walking doesn't do it for me, but I'm pretty sure I have a solution. Found of good collection of stretches (kind of a baby's first yoga set) that are gentle enough for me to do every day, but dynamic enough that I get the mental benefit of feeling active. Because right now my mental health is holding me back more than anything. So yeah, I'm just going to do the stretches to slowly increase my flexibility and confidence. I don't have a set time for when I plan to start adding more exercise; I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point.

[feralMorra]

I sunk. I drowned and sunk to the bottom of the ocean and stayed there for a while. Game over. Dead.

 

Getting lost is really easy. Sometimes you make a wrong turn or get distracted by fairy lights or forget why you started in the first place. Eventually you look up and realize the landscape is completely different; you've strayed so far off the path that you can barely remember your original destination.

 

This isn't where I want to be. I don't want to be sick all the time, physically or mentally. I don't want to feel this powerless in my own skin, as if I have no control over the things happening in my life. I don't want to feel this afraid, like an animal trapped in a corner. These feelings are so ugly and I know there is beauty in the world.

 

Change takes commitment. It takes time. It takes courage to walk a straight path towards your goals without turning your head to all the distractions along the way. I can't worry about what others are doing; the only person I need to focus on right now is myself. That hurts because I know it will be lonely at times. I know that there will be days it won't seem worth it and my lizard brain will want to let the distractions win. But I only have this one life. I want to live it authentically, with eyes wide open. Choosing yourself is hard. Choosing yourself everyday is harder still. But who knows what I need in my life better than myself? I know what I need to be happy and healthy, so why not choose that?

 

The mist has finally lifted and I can see where I need to go. I know there will be bad days. All I can do is show myself compassion and take life one day at a time.

[feralMorra]

It's hard waking up one day and not recognizing your own body. Not just the outside, but the inside as well. "Moving used to not feel like this. My arm used to not look like that. What happened?". I've had a relatively healthy view of my body image for the last few years, but I've realized that my body isn't healthy. I'm starting to not like the way it looks. Or feels.

 

I started the 100 Pushups Challenge again and am in my third week. Doing the pushups at an incline is more manageable, but I hope to be able to move to standard pushups at the end of the six weeks.  Feeling sore again is... good. The feeling of using just enough effort to make me sore, but not enough that I never want to move again. I honestly do like working out, getting stronger. That's my main goal, to get stronger, but I won't lie about wanting to lose fat. I do. I'm overweight and my blood pressure is too high. 25 years old with too high blood pressure. Honestly, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of how much my health has deteriorated, how far from my goals I've strayed. But I'm trying to be gentle with myself. This past year (two years, three years...) hasn't been easy, so there's no use beating myself up about it. I'm part of the Rebellion (despite how corny that may sound) and the first rule is that "We don't care where you came from, only where you're going". I'm here now, I'm choosing to change, and that's all that matters. We can never truly escape the past, but we can decide how much we let it define us. Everyday is a new opportunity for reinvention; just because I was a certain way yesterday doesn't mean I have to be that way today if it makes me unhappy or unhealthy.

 

The Numbers:

The last time I weighed myself (back in November), I was at 180 pounds. I haven't had the courage to weigh myself again since then, but I wouldn't be surprised to find that I'm at 200 pounds or at least 190. I'm going to try and not focus on that right now and just concentrate on getting stronger. Hopefully I'll be able to go to the grocery store in two days so I can start tackling my eating habits.

 

Chest 38"

Neck 14"

Biceps 12"

Thigh 25"

Calf 15"

Waist 32"

Hips 40"

[feralMorra]

There are things about my life I'm not proud of. I'm not proud of how I've handled my health these past two years. I'm not proud of how I've handled my friendships and personal relationships lately. I'm not proud of how I've given into fear for a large chunk of my adult life so far.

 

Personal responsibility is crucial. Owning up to your actions and finding ways to make amends when you screw up. I'm still learning how to do this. Generally my tactic for uncomfortable situations or personal mistakes is doing a well practiced ostrich impression. I hide. Even when everything is falling apart, crashing down on my head I still ignore it. Which leads to shame, which leads to wanting to avoid the situation more, and on and on and on until there's nothing but a pile of rubble before me. Pushing past the shame is hard and it doesn't always work out; sometimes things are beyond repair. All I can do is promise myself to do better, to improve. To have the courage to look life in the eye, even when I mess up. It's about honor and integrity.

 

A hero should have a code of honor and what am I if not the hero of my own story? No one (that I know of) strives for cowardice or unreliability. We want to be seen as trustworthy, courageous, admirable, inspirational. To be a true hero physical capability isn't enough, you have to train your mind and conscience. And while all of this may sound a bit cheesy and over the top, I truly believe that people are capable of greatness. Maybe that's arrogant, but I want to have pride when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to say that I'm living life as the best person I can be. A life where I'm not ashamed, not of my behavior or my thoughts or my appearance or choices. A heroic life takes a lifetime, so I'd better start now.

 

Homework: Over the next week think about my own personal code of honor. The virtues I want to exemplify and the vices I need to curb.

[feralMorra]

Oops. Drank way too much wine last night and ended up not going to bed until 6am. Spending today rehydrating and napping. I wonder if Aragorn, son of Arathorn, ever had a hangover in the days leading up to the great fight for Middle Earth.

[feralMorra]

Halfway through my six week 100 Pushups Challenge. I almost skipped today, but what good would that have done? My momentum is slowly building and I've come up with what I think will be a very good reward system to help keep me motivated. For every week of exercise I complete without missing a day I will be able to buy one issue of a comic book online. It's a reward that doesn't involve food and is cheap ($1-$3 an issue). Plus, what could be better nerdy motivation than heroic comic books? I've currently got my eyes on the original X-Men books, but we'll see.

 

Had pizza today for food. Sometimes being an omnivore is more stress than it's worth. It makes me envious of koalas. Is eucalyptus? No? Don't eat. Is eucalyptus? Yes? Eat. Humans have vast options in the food department, but the things we crave the most are often the worst options for us. Certainly here in the United States the most convenient options are the worst. Maybe in my next life I'll be a koala. Live in a tree, sleep up to 20 hours a day, and eat eucalyptus leaves. Doesn't sound like a bad gig.

[feralMorra]

I'm so tired. All I want to do is go back to sleep for the next twelve hours. Not sure if that's the depression talking or the malnutrition talking. I ate an orange yesterday, but I don't think I had any vegetables; I don't remember.

 

I really need to find a way to eat better again. I miss the way I felt when I was eating full Paleo two years ago. Sunday is my next day off so I'll go grocery shopping. At least I'm still keeping up with my pushups, so yay for small wins. Today is the start of week 4 and I'm really starting to feel it. I know that (very) soon my poor eating habits are going to start negatively impacting my performance. Maybe that will be motivation enough to revamp my diet. I really do enjoy (and to an extent need right now) the endorphins I get from working out. I like the sense of accomplishment and knowing I'm getting stronger. Can't run my body well if I'm feeding it crud.

 

Gods I'm tired.

[feralMorra]

One quality I admire in heroes is high fortitude; being able to keep going even in difficult times. Lately my resilience has been shot. I could use a vacation. Thankfully I can work on these things but much like everything else it's going to take time. It's been proven that building physical fortitude helps build mental fortitude.

 

My grocery shopping trip went well. I bought supplies to make a sausage and zucchini soup, plus some cauliflower. I need to find a way to get excited about food again, currently it just feels like more trouble than it's worth. I used to love cooking, get excited about healthy meals. Now... Ah well. Haven't given up on the pushups yet, although I nearly did today. But it's not about what I want to do, it's about what I have to do to get better. And everyday is one step closer to a better version of myself, a heroic life.

[feralMorra]

The stress finally caught up with me yesterday. Everything hurt and my brain felt like it was full of maple syrup. I did 10 pushups, but broke down crying at the thought of continuing. Mentally I just couldn't handle it.

 

Chronic stress is toxic. I've realized that a lot of my problems lately can be traced back to the fact that I'm just plain burnt out. My emotions have been strained and I haven't been able to recover. Between working at the casino, the divorce, not sleeping well for a year, having no car, and a host of other stressors, I'm beyond my limit. This isn't something that can be fixed by simply meditating 30 minutes a day; I need a complete lifestyle change.

 

Originally I'm from California and I miss it. I'm also hardcore in love with the Pacific Northwest and have been wanting to move to Oregon for years. With everything that's happened, with just how far off course my life has gone, I'm finally ready to make that trip. Yes, the stress of moving probably isn't going to help me in the short term, but I know in my heart that in the long term the payoff will be priceless. It's time, it's past time. This isn't me starting a new chapter in life, I'm starting a whole new book.