Learning to be independent

[Unikarm]

So i haven't been on here in a while and a lot has happened. so i thought i'd share.

back in august i broke up with wonderful (yet not so wonderful) nerd fiance'. even thought he really wasn't a fiance' at all. there was never a proposal and really not relationship either. all in all he completely ignored me. and i'm not saying this like a little 15 year old who says "he doesn't pay attention to me" i'm talking IGNORED. and our relationship was falling apart at the seams. so i ended it. and he left in december to be with his friends and family in another state. he'll be happier there. and to be honest i'm glad he's gone. i don't feel ignored and unloved anymore, i feel comfortable in my own skin even if i am 240 pounds now. i even have a good job that pays well (vision center :3 ) and i can afford my apartment and bills...if i don't spend my money on fast food lol. 

trying to be a single independent woman with no kids has been quite as adjustment. it's only been a few months since he left and really my stress is about money. i did get a raise but then hours got cut again so i really hope i can still afford my apartment with my income. 

i do still want to lose weight, i don't like feeling bloated and sick and overall unhealthy. i even got suck in to buying the tone it up nutrition plan last year. i've never used it. i hate the protein powder and i just regret buying it.

 

so i have my one HUGE goal now.

To be Independent 

[Son of Rylos]

Honestly, learning to be yourself after a (long?) committed relationship can be the MOST difficult thing to do. What you once had to think "OK, what do WE want to do for (blank)" now becomes "What do I do for myself for (blank)". It's a big adjustment that will take some time. Seeing that you broke it off in August, how recently did he leave? Just take things one step at a time. Figure out what YOU want to do about your food choices, your activities, and so on.

[Unikarm]

ya it was 4 1/2 years.

[shaeon]

Learning to be alone is a challenge, but it's a really worthy one. It sounds like you're making a good start of it. 

 

I had to deal with the same thing after the breakup after an 11 year relationship. It's tough sometimes, but there are lots of rewards and it's great to learn things about what you love and enjoy all by yourself, instead of what you like to do with someone. Just keep listening to what you need and seeking to do what's best for you. 

[Raincloak]

Forgive me if you've already heard this, but have you considered moving?  If you rented an apartment on two incomes and one of those incomes has now departed, you might want to switch to a smaller place with lower rent.  Especially if your job doesn't pay real well.  Why pay for the extra space if no one's using it?

[Luds]

Found that getting into certain routines can be really helpful, particularly when one is not used to living alone. Keeps you sorta busy until you get used to living alone.

The freedom and independence can be great, but also feel odd when one is not used to a scenario like it.

Planning stuff like household chores (....aeeeeechhh), preparation of food for the week, making time for the gym, scheduling time to visit friends and family and so on can be a start and puts some structure into a new and exciting situation, which makes it easier to handle. (... ok...I sound like my old man now..  ah well.)

 

 

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Good for you for being a strong woman who don't need no man.

For me, being independent was always hardest when trying to figure out what to spend my little extra cash on.  Normally food won, bad food.  Now I've been trying to put it towards better things.  I cannot emphasize how awesome Steve's quest/loot system is.  Now my money goes towards things I earn and want, not a bag of chips that satisfy for about 45 seconds, and make me feel crappy for 4 hours.

[curryfiend]

Hey there Unikarm!

 

I'm kinda sorta in the same boat too. My ex broke up with me in 2014. I had given up everything I had in Illinois to move to another state to live with him and his family. When I moved back home, my mom was selling our house so I had to find somewhere to live, pronto. The job I left took me back but I lost most of my clientele and pretty much had to start all over with that on top of getting a "normal job" to pay my rent, etc.

 

Let me tell you, it's been an experience. I've moved out once before but never alone. I was really overwhelmed (and sometimes that can happen still), but I actually really enjoy living on my own. It's really freeing and I like that I don't have to depend on anyone else. It alo gets extremely lonely and dull at times, but I keep myself busy with work, friends, and I've started making myself go to an event at least once a month.

 

If you're worried about bills, try to set up a budget. I'm the worst with money, but I will always pay my bills first before I spend money on fun stuff. I used to worry about paying my rent, but then I realized I was paying $40 a week in lattes. I started making my own coffee at home and now I get the right cup every time (go figure) and I'm paying about $13 a month on coffee stuffs. I also started doing a money saving challenge I found online. I never seem to have the money I need for the tattoos/vacations I want, so by the end of the year I should have over $1000 to put towards whatever I fancy!

 

Now, as far as protein shakes and health food goes...I almost got suckered into buying supplements similar to what you referred to. It can be a valuable investment if you actually follow through, but I like going back to what Steve always says. Keep it simple! (It's way cheaper, too.) Instead of worrying about what protein blend to buy, just use good old fashioned yogurt (look for one with a lot of protein in it, I'm currently eating Fage) and throw whatever you want in there (I usually do a banana, two scoops of peanut butter, and a scoop of cocoa powder). BAM, healthy. Eggs 'n bacon, also healthy, and a lot of protein there. I have crazy cravings for chocolate but instead of buying Special K bars, some wonderful lady on Facebook told me to buy dark chocolate baking chips and mix some of those with a handful of raw, unsalted almonds. Way cheaper in the long run and now I don't have to worry about the sugar/protein/high fructose corn syrup amount in some questionable and expensive item.

 

Keep it simple and have fun learning how to be you.

[Unikarm]

 

Forgive me if you've already heard this, but have you considered moving?  If you rented an apartment on two incomes and one of those incomes has now departed, you might want to switch to a smaller place with lower rent.  Especially if your job doesn't pay real well.  Why pay for the extra space if no one's using it?

 

sorry it took forever for me to answer this

and yes i've thought of moving and getting like a 1 bedroom apartment but they are actually more expensive than the 2 bedroom i'm in right now. i'm actually paying 425 for this place and other places are over 500. so i'm saying put. plus i can make the spare bedroom into an office if i wanted  

[Unikarm]

 

Good for you for being a strong woman who don't need no man.

For me, being independent was always hardest when trying to figure out what to spend my little extra cash on.  Normally food won, bad food.  Now I've been trying to put it towards better things.  I cannot emphasize how awesome Steve's quest/loot system is.  Now my money goes towards things I earn and want, not a bag of chips that satisfy for about 45 seconds, and make me feel crappy for 4 hours.

 

i usually waste my money on fast food......getting back into cooking is hard. and i'm addicted to arizona green tea lol

[Unikarm]

so vision center didn't have the hours to give me so.....no more vision center job. back out on the floor at walmart uggh. life hates me i just can't keep a decent job in the medical field. and when everything seem to be falling in to place.....BAM. RESET START OVER!!!!!! LOST!!! 

i might have to work 2 jobs.

and thank you for all your advice. i love the keep it simple thing and i'm trying to save money but when you are inbetween jobs.......ya.... paying bills first.

and i did rent the well fed books by Melissa Joulwan from the library YAY libraries!! 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=619662978190165&set=o.167696488487&type=3&theater

[Unikarm]

[Unikarm]

 

i swear i can almost never upload a picture can you guys see it at all? 

[Raincloak]

I was away from the forum a while, sorry for the late reply.

 

If you are keeping your apartment, with its extra bedroom, maybe you should get a roommate.  Might as well fill up that extra bedroom and cut your rent in half (or by $200, or whatever you and the roomie agree on.)  Just be careful who you rent to.  I've discovered that if the applicant's previous landlord kicked her out, there's usually a reason...

 

I live in a city where the CHEAPEST 1-bedrooms start around $1100. There are three solutions: move away, get a better job(s), or get a roommate.  I chose solution #2, and am currently juggling two jobs to pay my rent (I was about to start a third job today, but it turned out to conflict with one I already had).  It's all about priorities.  If you want to live alone and shop/eat junk food a lot, you'll have to work more.  If you are willing to put up with roommates and/or cook your own dinner, you can get by on less income.  Or you could get more education and get a higher paying job, but then you'll have to sacrifice some money and time now, in favor of more money later.  Up to you.  The one option that doesn't work, obviously, is doing the same thing and expecting improvement ;P

[Unikarm]

On 5/4/2016 at 8:39 PM, Raincloak said:

I was away from the forum a while, sorry for the late reply.

 

If you are keeping your apartment, with its extra bedroom, maybe you should get a roommate.  Might as well fill up that extra bedroom and cut your rent in half (or by $200, or whatever you and the roomie agree on.)  Just be careful who you rent to.  I've discovered that if the applicant's previous landlord kicked her out, there's usually a reason...

 

I live in a city where the CHEAPEST 1-bedrooms start around $1100. There are three solutions: move away, get a better job(s), or get a roommate.  I chose solution #2, and am currently juggling two jobs to pay my rent (I was about to start a third job today, but it turned out to conflict with one I already had).  It's all about priorities.  If you want to live alone and shop/eat junk food a lot, you'll have to work more.  If you are willing to put up with roommates and/or cook your own dinner, you can get by on less income.  Or you could get more education and get a higher paying job, but then you'll have to sacrifice some money and time now, in favor of more money later.  Up to you.  The one option that doesn't work, obviously, is doing the same thing and expecting improvement ;P

 

sorry for my late reply as well. honestly i don't want a roommate. it's nice living on my own, but i admit i do get bored and most of the day i'm sitting. 

i'm thinking of training and joining the air force reserves. i don't have the money or the time for college even though i'd love to go back. 

[Unikarm]

have i posted this news yet?

 

i lost my vision center job like a month or 2 ago. and i've been very negative lately. nothing ever goes right for me. something good happens like getting a decent job, i lose it. it crashes down on me like a meteor storm. and it hurts. my work ethic sucks now cause i really do not give a shit anymore i'll probably lose thing job too and it's freaking wal-mart! 

i'm thinking of joining the air force or the reserves but my mother is like "that's not going to happen" "you're not losing weight" "i don't think you'll like it" 

ya she's that kind of mom. "did you put face powder on" "burping won't attract a guy" 

she wants to live the life she wants me to live and has always been protective of her only child. so i'm on introvert to keep myself safe and what i really want, is to break out of this cage. 

[Raincloak]

At the risk of that annoying self-empowerment blather: your "cage" is imaginary.  When you stop believing in it, you'll be free.  

 

Your health is fine, you have no children or dependents, and you've got some college education.  There is absolutely no reason why you should work at Walmart unless you like it there.  If you don't (and I'm not surprised; they have a reputation for treating employees poorly), then get a different job.  

Getting fired doesn't make you a bad person.  Everybody gets fired, unless they've quit every job they ever had (in which case they've got different problems).  At the ripe old age of 30, I've had eight or ten jobs and been laid off at least five times (personal record: 2 weeks at a retail store; their excuse for sacking me was "we hired too many new people.")  That's life in the 21st century.  Job security is a fairy tale.

 

Retail and hospitality jobs are easy to get, but they're easy to lose for exactly the same reasons.  Those are a hamster wheel that leads nowhere (I'm still trying to break the habit myself).  Get a skilled job; you'll earn more $$ and get fired less often.

 

Your mom doesn't have any idea what the Air Force is looking for.  So if you want to know whether you're Air Force material, you should go talk to a recruiter.  (Answer: they want you, oh so very much.  Be wary, though, because they want you so bad they will make a lot of false promises and not tell you the whole truth about the job.  The military is one of the few employers you cannot legally walk away from once you are contracted, so investigate thoroughly and with multiple sources before you sign up for anything..)

 

If you'd like paid on-the-job training without the burden of military service, you could check out apprenticeships.  Where I live, they're so desperate for new plumbers, electricians, mechanics, welders, etc. that journeymen can easily start at $25/hour, and it just gets better from there.  (Also they have special incentives for women to join.)  I'm seriously considering electrician school for myself.  If you don't want an apprenticeship, community college is pretty affordable and you can get the same credentials that way, but you'd have to apply for scholarships or continue to work part time while you study.

 

Long-haul truckers are hot stuff too, if you're itching for some time away from home.  They probably make $15/hour or so; not great but beats the hell out of minimum wage, and all you need for that job is a few weeks of training and a CDL which is easy to get.  (Or, if you speak a little Spanish, you could be in management at a trucking company... they need someone who speaks English to answer the phone, and Spanish to tell the drivers where to go.)

[Evicious]

Ditto to everything Raincloak said, and especially the part about skilled jobs. There is an ENORMOUS shortage of skilled workers - everything from the aforementioned plumbers, electricians, mechanics, and welders to Catepillar drivers, A/C repairmen, even the people you see standing in the middle of the road holding "Slow" signs during road construction - all these jobs pay extremely well. Many of them don't require more than a year of training.

 

This guy makes as much money in a year as you would working your entire 4 years in college, plus the 4 years after it working minimum-wage jobs while you try to find a position in the field you paid the university to supposedly train and certify you in.

 

So why don't more people go in for jobs in the skilled labor field? Because we've been shoving useless 4-year college degrees down the past several generations' throats and screaming, "Work smarter, not harder!" in their faces from the time they're old enough to even comprehend what the word "job" means. You heard it your whole life, same as I did: going to college gets you a "good" job - and the only "good" jobs are the ones that require a piece of paper from an institution of "higher learning". So now we have the majority of our population running around waving their diplomas at each other, all asking where the "good job" is so they can all apply for it.

 

I've personally never bought into the idea, even after the Army started trying to shove it down my throat too. In 8 years of military service, I never saw a single Master's Degree be used in any useful capacity. What I saw instead was a lot of hard work, creative thinking, and teamwork getting shit done. And to this day I've yet to see a coworker using their Bachelor's for anything we do. What I *do* see are a lot of people who took the technical paths getting paid butt-loads to keep my office up and running. The guy who delivers our water bottles (and everyone else's on base); the guy who fixed the toilet in the women's restroom; the guys who installed all the wiring in our new office room in the building... all of them are earning more than I do. And I'm getting paid more now than I was in the service.

 

If I lose the job I have now for any reason, you can bet I won't be sitting behind a desk any more for my next one!