Take this, it may help you on your journey

[Red Dragoon]

Well, its not a wooden noob sword (or better yet, a just graduated from your doomed hometown sword of actual fucking metal), but I'm sure this daily log will be just as useful. Especially if I come across a lot of enemies with a weakness to scathing reviews!

 

(yeah, don't mind me...)

 

I wasn't sure if I should start one of these then decided, what the hell. Talking to myself and letting people join in as they wish is a much easier first step than jumping into ongoing conversations. I'm a thirty-four year old life long couch potato whose activity lite lifestyle (there was the walking that comes from living in the city with no car, that's about it) finally caught up to me thanks to several years of minor health problems and major depression. I finally talked myself into believing fixing the issue is both beneficial and actually possible, so here I am. But I'm starting from scratch with no real idea of even what I'll enjoy doing, so I don't yet have a long list of very specific goals. I'm on disability (nothing physical) and don't leave the house very much right now. My life has been rough to say the least, and its left me with a prickly personality, trust issues, poor social skills and a real difficulty connecting to other people. I appreciate that Nerd Fitness gives you want you need to do things at home, on your own, and without spending a lot of money instead of pushing you into a gym - and that the community here so far seems decent, open minded and light on drama. I know I could use some support from other people so I'm glad this is here, because this alone is taking up an insane amount of courage, and I don't have it in me to do the gym or take a class, maybe one day but not right now.

 

I admit, I probably don't have the nerd credentials to be here. Maybe when it comes to older rpg video games (there's a reason gamifying my life is appealing), less so with movies (I'm into horror more than superheroes, sorry guys  ).

 

I'll use this space to track the stuff I want to improve on: exercise, diet, lifestyle changes, adventures in novel writing, acting like I'm funny or entertaining, etc.

 

Stay tuned, I'm still trying to get my footing here (so many options, so much to do, even lurking around for a bit its still a little overwhelming).

[peelout]

Just dropped by to say welcome.

[Red Dragoon]

14 minutes ago, peelout said:

Just dropped by to say welcome.

 

Thank you.

[Red Dragoon]

So I got to cross some basic first steps in the mindset module today, things that have put off because I procrastinate like nothing else. I even bought a scale so I know just how much I do weigh.

 

240, if you're curious.

 

(and Jesus. Yes, I know, don't get hung up on it but I did not know it was that bad. And I also know I've lost weight since I had that revelation and started fixing up my diet and toying with activity, so it was worse than that a year ago. That I really didn't know means I need to work more on self awareness)

 

I did the photos, too. Or my room mate/adopted family person took them, she'll keep them on her phone and I'll never see them. That was the only way I could fill that requirement, I don't allow photos taken of me, and on the rare special occasion where I can be bribed into an exception I never want to see them.

 

Let's keep going, and do The Big Why.

 

My Big Why

 

The first reason why was because I want to move out of this city, because I'm probably looking to move back nearer to my family that I haven't seen at all in six years, and letting them see me in a state like this would not be a good thing. They're not a support base. Or, well, some would try to be, in their own way, but one person's support is another person's poison (and some family members you just can't talk to, you start with "You know, its not helpful when you..." and two minutes later its, "I never said you were the worst parent ever, how did we even get here? Oh fuck it, this is not worth it." Or is that just me?). Not an inspiring reason, but the first one.

 

The second reason was about weakness. The way fitness and weight loss gets advertised it plays on vanity and health is in the background (not here as much, but in general), this isn't attractive and you want to be attractive, don't you? I don't think I realized how deep that connection had sunk until I started to look at this myself. You see, I'm not good looking and I never was, that is the hand I was dealt, and while that might suck I always thought it better to know, to be realistic than to live in denial. I knew I had to sell this to myself in a way that my brain would pay attention, would care and see it as a possibility. I ended up repackaging this message by playing on my own hang ups, weakness. Being out of shape like this makes you weak, you don't want to be weak, do you? No, no I don't. This might not be a great reason either, I know I was tapping into old crappy thought patterns, but its getting better.

 

Boiling it down and making it as real and personal as I can get:

 

Because I hate my life, the way it is now, and I have for a long time. Things need to change. And this is one thing that is wholly within my control, within my immediate ability to fix. This is not the hand I was dealt, this is something that happened in recent time. Everything I need to fix it I can do on my own, I can produce on my own, I don't need anybody's permission, approval or assistance to begin. Because I know the mindset changes I could develop here would help in almost anything else. Because I still (vaguely now) remember the last time I climbed over a big wall all on my own (mental health, this was) and how great it felt to prove everyone wrong, to prove to myself I could do it. Because I need the win, and I deserve it.

 

Whoo-hoo, experience points! (no level up yet, though)

 

 

Immediate Goals

 

Start keeping track of meals, which I know is on the Nerd Fitness Academy list anyway. I don't want to obsessively count calories if I can help it, but I think it would be a good idea to do so for a short time at least and get a basic idea of how much I'm eating.

 

Come up with a first challenge. Because I want my own character, damn it. I'm trying to think of ways to make it thematic and fun, poking around to see the way other people have done it.

 

The next two parts of the Mindset Module. A couple beginning long term goals, and...something, to do to customize the batcave (my current home is less a batcave and more the batshoebox, no room to do some of the things I think would be a good idea).

[Red Dragoon]

Daily Log: March 20  -21

 

(I have a circadian rhythm disorder, my awake hours fall at various times - its my normal and I'm more or less used to it)

 

Food

 

(calorie count comes from either package information and trying to look online - may not be completely accurate)

 

Two eggs, with peppers and scallions - 140 cal.

Three very thin slices of honey ham - 70 cal.

Yogurt - 140 cal.

Coffee with some milk, 20 oz (spent all day drinking it)

 

Dried fruit, nut and cheese snack - 180 cal.

Quinoa bar - 130 cal.

 

Chicken - 225 cal.

Mixed with a cheese sauce - 72 cal.

One zucchini

Broccoli

 

Bakery Bagel "french toast with vanilla cream cheese" - Don't know (my room mate had one a week back, said it was good and I wanted to try it, its a one time thing, I swear)

 

The breakfast listed there is pretty typical (except I usually have two small breakfast sausage links rather than ham). Since I started trying to eat paleo (or closer and closer to it) I haven't eaten lunch, I don't usually need it unless dinner was very light or if I'm awake for a very long time (which is also something that happens often enough).

 

Exercise

 

Zombies, Run 5k training, week six-one

 

5 minutes walking

10 minute free form run (I walked a little faster)

10 squats, 30 seconds stretching (repeat 3 times)

5 minute fast walk

7 minute free form run, 2 minutes stretching (repeat three times) (run for thirty seconds, walk for 90 seconds-two minutes each time)

 

This is my second time trying to get through the 5k training program, last time I got passed week six and then...I got distracted, don't remember anymore with what, but I was gone long enough that when I went back to it I thought it best to go back to the beginning. Thankfully the progress I made building some endurance was still there. I'd been noticing the speed I was setting the treadmill for the running (or jogging, whatever) was getting easier, or at least that going that pace for thirty seconds at a time wasn't much of a challenge anymore. So I tried upping the speed by ten. Better, I think I should keep doing that.

 

Writing

 

I have no idea how to track this. Word count seems the most obvious, but I hand write first drafts, I only type it up after I've finished something, read it over twice and sat on it for at least a day. I'm not that keen to flip back through a notebook and count every word I wrote myself.

 

I spent a bit too much time on this site today, typing things here (does this count as writing? maybe, but its not what I want to be working on with it). I did get a page written, though, and something is better than nothing.

[Red Dragoon]

As I said before, I was never a very active person. What I always loved to do the most (write my own stories, experience other people's) doesn't require a lot of moving. I didn't always have a lot of freedom growing up to explore things, and all school gym classes ever taught me was that I hate sports, and I'm not good at them, and its worse when everyone else cares way more about that than you. So, first up I have to find something I actually like doing, or else I'll never keep up with it.

 

I used to like going out and just walking around, there has been much less of that the last several years when my discomfort living where I am grew out of proportion. It reminds me in some strange way of where I grew up, and that is not a good thing. I want to move (as does my room mate) and there are plans in place to make that happen, but how quickly it comes together is hard to say. Until that time though, I'm stuck indoors on a treadmill. Bought a cheap one, because I wasn't certain I'd use it at first and I didn't need a $600 clothes rack (as often happened to my mother's various exercise fads).

 

I discovered Zombies, Run about the same time I discovered this site. I was skeptical about trying it, on the one hand I never did any running, endurance was always something I lacked, on the other hand its a horror themed radio show which ties into interests I do have, and it makes things into a game which my brain responds to. I actually have been enjoying it, I haven't yet been able to do it every other day consistently, usually more like a burst of that for a week or so then a week off but I do keep coming back to it. The first time I tried to run (or jog, whichever it would actually be off the treadmill) for longer than fifteen seconds I damn near fell on my face, but with the 5k training course I would see noticeable progress every time I did the same routine again (three times before they change it up, for those who don't know), it would be easier the second time. The week five course, they wanted you to walk for thirty seconds, run for a minute and then do six heel lifts, and repeat that eight times; I had a hard enough time with run for a minute walk for a minute, I have to walk for longer than I ran to properly catch my breath so this looked impossible. The first time, the only way I could do it was to pause and take breaks, twice for five minutes and two minutes; second time still two breaks, but shorter at two minutes each; third time though, I got through it, somehow, suddenly eight times were gone and we were in free run and I was not dead. It felt awesome. That clear progress has been a great thing, encouraging to keep going and see what else I can do.

 

I'm not sure that I ever see myself just going out and running for an hour. But in short bursts like that? Yeah, I like it more than I thought I did.

 

The other thing I know is, the way a lot of people on this site feel about running, I feel about yoga. Hate, hate, hate. I tried, I did, I once knew many people who thought it was the most wonderful meaningful thing in the whole wide world, I tried it more than once, and I just don't care. Its just too...I don't know, boring?

 

When I started poking around here, I thought the ranger guild was the closest fit, though after further poking around I changed it to assassin. Those are usually the kind of game characters I end up building, the fragile speedster/glass cannon, and if this really were a video game that's the archetypal character class I'd fall into. There were bits about the mindset, adaptability and learning to get around obstacles, that is appealing. And parkour does look cool, even if it seems impossible that I could ever actually do that

 

(But you know you'd have to go outside to do something like that, right? Yes, I know that, thank you. But I'd have to lose weight and build strength before I could even think of trying any of that if I don't want to break my skull, it'll take some time and by then maybe the problem will work itself out.)

 

The Art of Goal Setting

 

Its the next piece of the academy. This is not something I'm used to doing, specific goals. I usually float by with vague ideas, partly from thinking anything would be impossible to accomplish, partly from a history of knowing I need to be flexible with everything so when the other shoe drops I can change gears and get out nice and quick.

 

I want to be am someone who weighs 140, is stronger, eats healthy and can manage my time to do the things I want to do.

 

And five specific goals:

 

1. I want to will lose 100 lbs. - That would bring me around to where I was before all this happened.

 

2. I will exercise at least three times a week, even if its just a five minute walk - low expectations, but I'd rather start small and try to surpass that than expect too much too soon.

 

3. I will be able to do a pull up - never could before, seems like a landmark to work toward.

 

4. I will keep cleaning up my diet, reducing any sweet snack to twice a week - there is a lot I could do with food, but the next best step seems to be picking a sugar limit and sticking to it.

 

5. I will write something every day, even if it is just a single word - I've heard people say to me "write every day, even if its shit it doesn't matter, just do it." If it works for you great, but I don't like the advice and I don't follow it. I don't want to have to rewrite everything a thousand times, I want to get it as close to right as I can the first time, and if nothing is coming out right I would rather set the book aside, plug headphones in and think it through, come back when I know what I'm doing. Even holding to that, I think I can commit to a single word, if nothing else it will keep me engaged, thinking about the project.

 

The only part left of the mindset part is customizing the bat shoe box. Like I've seen other people on the forum saying, I'm having some trouble with it due to extremely limited space to work with, that I do share with another person (who may be supportive in this, but that doesn't mean I can redesign everything to suit my needs and the hell with everyone else).

[Red Dragoon]

Customizing the Bat cave Shoe Box

 

Okay, I think I got this one.

 

1. I keep the treadmill out in sight. Rather than tucking it away in what passes for a closet here, its out between the living room and the kitchen, in my line of sight all day. Ideally I would rather have it set up in the living room, so I can easily just climb on it, put some show or movie on the television and just walk/run while I watch it, but because of space concerns that's not possible right now. This has been a good enough substitute.

 

2. I run barefoot. That counts, right? It was a decision I made mostly with laziness in mind, the fewer steps I need to complete in order to exercise the better. I hate wearing shoes inside, I would've had to buy a second pair of shoes, I would gnaw my arm off to avoid shoe shopping (I don't enjoy it on principal, and it takes most of a day and trips to a dozen stores to find a pair that both fits me and doesn't make my foot feel mangled). This decision may have had unexpected benefits, the foot pain I'm used to from walking a long time has vanished when I'm doing it barefoot. Thinking about looking into a pair of minimal shoes, see how it goes.

 

3. I keep Nerd Fitness, these forums, Habitica and other such sites open on my computer, so they are some of the first things I see every day when I go online. Its been a decent visual reminder, gets the thought in my head right away.

 

And barriers.

 

1. What snack food is left in the house has been moved to a top shelf, out of the line of sight. I don't have room to go crazy with hiding them, but they're not as conveniently placed as they once were. I also removed all snack food from my desk, so if I want to eat anything I have to get up and get it.

 

2. I've limited where I go online. I never did much social media (not anymore), but I do too much reading. Nothing wrong with reading, but I can get lost in it too easily and not do the things I want to do.

 

3. I've been leaving my notebook on top of the lap top, so when I wake up and sit down to check the internet I have to move it, and it goes into my lap. If its in my lap, I'll probably work on it. At my best, I can write through almost anything: while watching TV, while playing video games (which was easier with older turn based rpgs), while on the bus, while in the waiting room, just about anywhere except in a quiet distraction free place. If I can learn to get some words in while browsing online, or reading online fiction, nothing can stop me.

 

Progress

 

I've not been good about posting here every day, but I have been keeping track of what I eat, worked out (alternating between Zombies, Run and the Nerd Fitness basic body weight routine) every day except Sunday. And I finished a big chunk of the next chapter of my novel and started typing up the next section for publication. It been decent progress the last two weeks, as far as getting up and doing things more often than not.

[Red Dragoon]

Next up in the academy is diet, I have to keep a log of the food I eat for a full month before I can claim full experience, and hey look, new month tomorrow! Ooh, what timing. I have been slacking off on this, I have paid more attention to what I'm eating, trying to mentally keep track of calories, but only for the day and I don't make a record of it. Journaling was never a thing I did, it would be a new habit to build. I'm pulling out another notebook to keep on my desk here, a physical copy would be a better reminder, so if I'm not posting here every day at least notes are being made.

 

I've been making a slow transition to paleo for a few years now, a slower process than I might have liked because some of those years were very bad, but I'm further along the dietary recommendations here than I might've thought.

 

I lost the taste for soda a long time ago, I replaced it with a lot of fruit juices that I thought at the time were better, but now I know I was an idiot. This is probably a big part of why I gained so much weight. Those have been cut out now, too. I only drink water and coffee during the day, admittedly more coffee than water.

 

As far as coffee goes, no sugar and a small amount of milk, which I could be willing to negotiate on if its a big problem (its not half milk, not even close, I like the taste of coffee I'm not looking to drown it). I have no plans to give up coffee or am looking at tackling this as part of my diet plan unless its shown to be very detrimental to me personally. I may be more reliant on caffeine than I should, but I'm okay with that (barring evidence that its detrimental to me), if I need to have a vice I could do worse.

 

Transitioning away from bread and pasta was easier than I thought it would be. Its something I eat only occasionally now, in a pinch or if its something I really liked and want to have every one in a while. By occasionally, I mean not even once a month. I replaced bread with gluten free options at first, things made with rice flour mostly. And within the last several months I've been moving away from that, too. Rice noodles have been replaced with zucchini, and I've just started eating more sandwiches wrapped in lettuce instead of rolls.

 

I do still eat dairy. Some milk in my coffee, but I don't drink it otherwise. Yogurt with my breakfast, and I like cheese. I've considered trying to reduce it, but not necessarily drop it altogether.

 

I don't eat a lot of rice. Long time ago I did, as a replacement for potatoes that my family ate but which I hated. But rice is a food that, if I eat it, I'll be hungry again in a very short time. After a lot of really frustrating experiences, I limited rice to a very occasional thing, but then lost patience with even that. I've started making cauliflower "rice" instead, and its not the same problems (made pizza once with cauliflower as well, it was pretty good).

 

Mindless snacking used to be a problem, too. Its something I'd do when bored, or maybe I really needed something but then the bag or container would be sitting on the desk and I'd keep reaching into it while I'm writing or whatever, because its there and I'm not thinking. I do think I'm getting better at that, switching to snacks like nuts, keeping them away from my immediate reach, only having something sweet once a week if that.

 

So this maybe puts me somewhere between level 5 and level 6, with a few caveats (water, need to drink more water). And that's...really not bad, considering level 7 is a perfectly acceptable stopping point.

 

There's been some issues this week, nothing too serious it turns out thank the gods, but I've been out and running around a lot this week. Getting a lot of walking in, good. Not having a lot of energy for much else later, not that great. Been able to get some writing done while on the bus and in waiting rooms, but I've had much less time than usual to sit down and really work on it. Disappointing, I had a good momentum going and I hope I don't lose it when its all done tomorrow.

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (1/30)

 

2 eggs, 2 mini bell peppers mixed in

2 links breakfast sausage

1 plain yogurt, mixed with honey and a handful of raspberries

24 oz. coffee

24 0z water

 

Half a medium sized orange

Lettuce wrap, roast beef, fresh mozzarella, veganaise, red bell peppers and red onions

A bottle of chilled lemon myrtle tea (unsweetened)

 

Chicken with feta, peppers and onions

Zucchini with garlic and pepper seasoning

Cauliflower rice with peppers and scallions

 

I don't usually eat lunch, but I was out and more active than usual.

 

According to the Health app on my iPod, I walked seven and a half miles today. And man do I feel it. I've been out of the house and running around more in this past week than I have in months. Its over now, and I'm taking the weekend to recover (I'll still work out, just indoors and people free).

 

Only got some writing done today, not as much as I want but not nothing either. I plan to correct that this weekend.

 

I think I've come up with a decent four week challenge in time for the next one. I've also got some beginning ideas for gamifying this self improvement kick (in addition to what goes on here, no reason not to add to it :)). I want to experiment a bit before I discuss it anywhere, its a delicate balance between being involved and rewarding, and being too complicated that I can't keep up with it.

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (2/30)

 

2 eggs with peppers and onions

2 links breakfast sausage

Plain yogurt, with honey and blackberries

Handful of blackberries

24 oz. coffee

 

Half a medium sized orange

 

Beef stroganoff - beef, zucchini "noodles", caramelized onion dip for sauce.

 

Additionally, last night

 

Shortcake roll, with raspberries and 1 tablespoon half and half (ate it after I posted)

 

Small Wins

 

Stepped on the scale today and I'd lost a whole pound! Whoo-hoo! So that's 1 down, 99 to go.

 

Made up a lot of writing today, got six full pages typed so far and the night is young (about 3600 words). If it sounds impressive, remember I'm just typing something I already wrote, polishing up small bits of it, this part almost always goes faster. Hoping I can finish this part tonight or tomorrow, proofread again and get it online.

 

Activity

 

I'm still feeling that seven and a half mile walk (and all the other little less than that far walks), but I wanted to do something. Went to the academy page, found Bodyweight Brigade Level 1, I'd done those things before in a different routine on the main website, and there was less of it than usual. Maybe it would be easier, right?

 

Hahahahahahaha!!!!! Oooooohhhh, foolish fitness noob, aren't you just precious.

 

10 push ups (managed to do a whole five of them on knees and knuckles before I had to go to the wall)

15 bodyweight squats

15 second plank

30 second jumping jacks

 

You're supposed to only rest 60 seconds between each round (for a total of three). That so did not happen, if it had it would've been one round only. I wasn't timing the first, but I'd guess two minutes or over before I could breathe again; the second time a minute and a half. I somehow got through all three (though I had to pause again after 20 seconds of jumping jacks the last time, for a few seconds, before I could continue the final ten).

 

Its not about strength really, my muscles were decent and we can totally do more, but my lungs were Shut your goddamn mouth if you ever want to feel oxygen again! I have no stamina, its been a life long problem, like a cheetah I can put on an impressive show but it doesn't last long and then I have to sleep. I really need to find a way to work on that, maybe more than anything else.

 

Otherwise, 15 second plank is starting to get a little easy, not falling asleep through it easy but easier than it was or maybe should be. And the bodyweight squats, first time I tried those (back in October) I hurt so much I could barely move for a week after - which sucked because I had an appointment I couldn't cancel, lots of walking and stairs. Now I can do them, with only mild soreness the next day. Yay progress.

 

Threw my hat i the ring for the next four week challenge, my post is down there in my signature if you're terribly curious. Tackling walking, water, sugar, writing and maybe, just maybe, being a tiny bit less of an antisocial misanthrope. But only maybe.

[Red Dragoon]

Food log (3/30)

 

2 eggs with peppers and onions

2 links breakfast sausage

Plain yogurt with honey and blackberries

Few remaining blackberries

24oz coffee with milk (x2)

(maybe I should shorten this in the future as the usual featuring fruit?)

 

Small apple and vanilla expresso almond butter (unsweetened)

 

Spaghetti squash, lamb, peppers and onions, tzaziki sauce and feta cheese

 

Today was a lazy day, as far as activity went. Sundays have often ended up that way, but I gave myself permission for it since tomorrow I'm starting the four week challenge.

 

Spent the day instead finishing my typing, wrapping the whole thing up with 6500 words give or take (that's in total, yesterday, too). The next chapter I have to do (last in the first volume) will work out to three separate chunks, and the first one is written and ready for basic editing round one. I want to get more of the second chunk ready before I go ahead with that (and I'm through the beginning of it, event wise). Very satisfied so far with how the writing is going, it could use more improvement I'm sure but its not every couple months anymore either.

[Fluffy]

Keep it up!  You're doing great already!

[Red Dragoon]

1 hour ago, Fluffy said:

Keep it up!  You're doing great already!

 

Thanks.

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (4/30)

 

The usual breakfast, minus fruit this time.

 

Chicken salad lettuce wrap (homemade, maybe 70 calories each)

 

1 medium apple, with vanilla expresso almond butter

 

Salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing

 

2 small lettuce wrapped hamburgers with cheese

 

zucchini pasta

 

Activity

 

I didn't feel in the mood for a zombie run, so I just dragged the treadmill in front of the tv, put on a movie and walked at a brisk pace for close to an hour.

 

First day or the 4 week challenge was a success.

 

Ive been poking around at myfitness pal, but I haven't decided how much I will use it. These last two weeks or so of being more aware of calorie intake has me thinking that calorie counting has the potential to drive me batshit, and that I may be eating kind of low. On the one hand, a more aggressive weight loss plan might be viable if I'm already used to it (and the sooner the excess flesh is gone the better), but on the other hand how low is too low? I want to keep watching my patterns a little longer before I make a final verdict, just something I noticed. Oh, and speaking of excess flesh...

 

Small wins

 

Scale this morning said 237.4

[Fluffy]

Good job on dragging the treadmill out! 

 

On the diet - just remember not to overly restrict calories.  It's not sustainable nor is it good for you.  Take this challenge to think about food tracking vs diet change and focus on how good you're doing. 

 

Rock on

[Red Dragoon]

3 hours ago, Fluffy said:

On the diet - just remember not to overly restrict calories.  It's not sustainable nor is it good for you.  Take this challenge to think about food tracking vs diet change and focus on how good you're doing.

 

Its not that I've decided to restrict calories, its that my diet seems to have naturally gone in that direction over the time I cut out non paleo food like bread and pasta and stopped boredom snacking. Not a conscious decision, I had no idea, figured I was probably hitting the standard 2000 a day recommendation and only just now realized I was wrong. I had to set some sort of goal to use the app, I picked the aggressive weight loss at first out of curiosity because of the low mental estimates I'd been coming up with, and it was just to see where my natural eating habits sit in comparison. It picked a goal of just under 1600 a day, eating as I normally do my last food log here I ended up 300 short of that (because I walked, if I'd sat on my ass all day I'd have been golden). Today (that I haven't but am about to record) I'm 400 short (200 on account of exercise) and, barring a light snack before sleep, I'm not planning on eating more.

 

I don't really want to have to reorganize my diet to find a way to force myself to eat more. Not when I genuinely don't seem to want to. But the app hasn't expressed concern over this yet, so maybe its okay?

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (5/30)

 

Usual breakfast, no fruit.

 

Chicken salad lettuce wrap

 

Chicken Parmesan - zucchini noodles, fresh mozzarella, half a cup tomato sauce.

 

Activity

 

Zombies, Run 5k 7.2

 

In addition to fast walking and several free runs with stretches in between, this week has running/skipping drills. I have to sit out the skipping, because if there's a way to do that on a treadmill I don't know it (have no additional space to do it off the treadmill, plus its fifteen seconds, its barely long enough to get a drink of water, not climb off and do something before needing to jump back on). It still involves me running (okay, slow jogging in this case) for five minutes, with fifteen whole seconds of standing still between, which does not make that much difference. And I did it - my legs hurt and I felt like death but I did it. And you know, come to think of it...

 

Small wins

 

For the second time, ran five minutes with minimal rest periods and did not die. (there, properly categorized)

 

Got some writing done today, less from struggling with a scene more description than dialog but I'm determined to do at least a little more to have my single page for the challenge. I am rapidly coming to the end of this (not during this challenge I don't think, but probably not too much longer after). Its kind of exciting, this was four years in the making - it should not have taken four years but they were rough years, and while in the beginning I could hyperfocus on it to keep sane, eventually the rest of life needed tended to and I didn't have the mental energy for creativity for a while there. I want to do better with volume two, even if only a very few people will care, I want to for them. But now to the less exciting part of that, the second part is not as well planned out, aside from the beginning and the very end of it, everything else hasn't lined up in as clear an order, and hasn't for four years. Not to say I have no clue what to do, its a list of events that need to occur before we hit the ending but the order they need to go in and where to establish chapters around them are not clear. And putting them in order doesn't really help, curse you non linear narrative! *shakes fist*

 

Not to mention having to come up with a bunch of new chapter titles, just because I came up with a few decent ones early on I went and trapped myself in a pattern I usually suck at (naming things). And having to come up with another summary please read me blurb, like the first one wasn't a hair tearing nightmare that I've never been satisfied with. Its advertising really, sell me on something in three sentences! Just because I can make a thing doesn't mean I can sell a thing, it feels like a different skill set to me, and I openly admit to having low social skills and experience, so this maybe should not be a surprise. But I'm expected to be able to do it anyway. Writing a thing that seems to resist a three sentence summary also does not help. I've been aware of this for a while, but very soon now its finally going to be upon me. So, both happy and a bit stressed at the prospect.

[Fluffy]

20 hours ago, Stranger Things said:

 don't really want to have to reorganize my diet to find a way to force myself to eat more. Not when I genuinely don't seem to want to. But the app hasn't expressed concern over this yet, so maybe its okay?

On 4/3/2016 at 10:33 AM, Fluffy said:

Didn't want to stress you out - just throwing it out there that purposefully restricting calories to too few can backfire and isn't healthy.  sounds like you got this though!  Keep up the good work.

 

[Red Dragoon]

18 hours ago, Fluffy said:

 

 

No problem, it is a good thing to keep in mind.

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (6/30)

 

The usual breakfast with raspberries

 

Graze Box natural energy nuts (almonds, walnuts, hazelnuts)

 

roast beef cheese and lettuce wrap

small apple with the almond butter

 

Chicken with peach salsa, sour cream and cheese

zucchini

Cauliflower rice with peppers and onions

 

This should've gone up hours ago, but I was brain dead and didn't get it done before falling asleep. Been keeping the food log almost a week now, one more day and I complete the initial academy quest.

 

Only did ten minutes of walking, my legs needed a rest.

 

Writing went all right, page and a half done. Hard finding things on TV, so I pulled out an old video game I'd been playing but took a break from some months back, put it in my other hand and productivity rose. I'm strange like that, background distractions is how I get stuff done.

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (7/30)

 

The usual breakfast with blackberries

 

Frozen chicken tenders and apple bourbon bbq sauce

zucchini

asparagus

 

Nut crackers and cheese

small apple and almond butter

 

And that's a whole week. Experience points!

 

Small Wins

 

235.2 on the scale this morning.

 

Activity

 

On the treadmill for 30 minutes. worked out to 1.2 miles, according to the machine.

 

I have not been sleeping wonderfully the last few days, I'm not sure yet if its just part of the routine or consistent enough to indicate a change in routine is necessary. Its been very warm the last few days, too, and that always wrecks sleep a little bit. The shoebox I'm living in does not have much in the way or air circulation. Apartments in this city also seem to favor windows that don't hold air conditioners in order to, in the winter, block out cold they don't get. Yes, okay, I'm originally from a colder area, but still, I broke out my winter coat a total of once in the six years I've been here, I barely turn my heat on all winter, so I can't help but chuckle at it (the colder places where I used to live stlll had windows you could but an air conditioner in). I can also usually live without air conditioning but last summer was miserable, and I don't know how much of it was how ungodly hot it was (and it was, unusually so) and how much was being in this cramped airless box.

 

Point is, heat makes me lazy and sluggish and disrupts sleep. Hence why it was a short time walking yesterday, but I did still make sure to do it, so win. Its also supposed to start cooling down now, so more activity will return. I'm not looking forward to trying to do this in the summer.

 

Little bit more writing done, another page written. Is been at least over a week since I had a day when I didn't write something, Another win.

 

(No advice on sleep, please. I have addition problems there, circadian rhythm disorder, so a lot of the standard advice doesn't work on me anyway)

 

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (8/30)

 

The usual breakfast with frozen raspberries

 

Nut crackers and cheese

 

Chicken Parmesan, with zucchini and fresh mozzarella

1 serving (yes, just one) Trader Joe's Lemon Ricotta Ravioli

Salad

 

I rarely eat pasta anymore, except for the occasional lasagne and this stuff, which is a little too good to give up entirely. It is a seasonal item, so its not something I could eat all the time anyway.

 

I also noticed this morning that, even though I have been keeping track since the beginning of the month and haven't lost a day by my reckoning, I have lost one by calendar reckoning. Sleep cycle weirdness, always fun. Just thought I'd mention it, this has been one day after the other, I haven't missed anything.

 

Activity

 

I have got to stop waiting until the end of the day to walk. Its been like this the last few days, and its really not the best idea, but sometimes its harder to pull out of my head and get it done. I suppose the good part, so far, is I'm still doing it. And I've not been settling for the bare minimum to fill the challenge requirement, I push myself further than five minutes. Yesterday I got to forty minutes, 1.6 miles.

 

More writing. The end of chapter chunk number two is approaching, if not today then probably tomorrow.

[Red Dragoon]

Food Log (9/30)

 

The usual breakfast with blackberries

 

Chicken, coated in almond meal, cooked coconut oil

zucchini

cauliflower rice

 

small apple and almond butter

roast beef lettuce wrap and cheese

 

unsalted macadamias

 

A little more than I usually eat, but I also think I was up a longer time than I wanted to be. Problems sleeping are starting to slowly reverse again, but now I'm also tired and brain dead.

 

Activity

 

Walked for fifteen minutes, haven't learned lesson about not waiting until the end of the day. Today I'll be in the apartment alone with no distractions or obstacles except that which I create myself, and sometimes I'm better at that then.

 

Near finished the second chunk of writing yesterday, working on finishing as we speak. Might not be a lot of writing today otherwise, I have to think on the third chunk and settle on the dialog and new point of view. Might be a good day for that, being still brain dead.

[Red Dragoon]

Sigh.... Its been a while.

 

I think that month challenge, as bare bones as it was, took a bit out of me. A month of pressure on myself to meet certain goals and live up to certain standards, took all my willpower and I needed at least that long to recover it. Not a bad thing, really, I'm starting from a low place and tolerance will build. Might be a good idea to make the next challenge a smaller one, a week maybe, and build up?

 

I weigh 218 now, which is a nice big dent in the weight problem. It has noticeably slowed down though, slower than what I would prefer. It may be that more activity is needed to help push it along. While I have stuck with my diet near perfectly (and thanks to that past challenge, further lost my taste for sugar), the physical activity kind of dried up. Part of it is the weather, yes, its hotter now and I live in a shoebox with poor ventilation, running on a treadmill in an oven (even one just on preheat) isn't very pleasant. Going elsewhere is not an option right now, I don't have anywhere else and leaving the house and being in public is hard enough on its own - something I should work on, sure, but trying to take on both at once is a good way to assure both fail miserably.

 

That's not the only reason why, and I know that. That's been a harder habit to develop in general, as opposed to diet regulation which was relatively easy. If you'll forgive me spewing out my damaged psychology. I think its because I'm used to deprivation, good at it if that's a thing you can be good at. Its about self control, wanting X thing puts me in a bad position with person/place/whatever that I don't want to be, therefore I will live without X thing and person/place/whatever will have nothing to hang over my head. Fixing my diet has been mostly that, even if there is no person or place involved, its letting things go and living without and I've been doing that forever now.

 

Getting in shape...I guess I think of it more like a reward. That might not be the best way to put it but its all I got, its not a thing I let go of, its a thing that I have to earn. And that makes it look impossible to me, because I don't win at things. In the important formative years, I was set up for failure, repeatedly, it was in the best interest of people around me that I never be allowed to succeed so that I can continue to be held to blame for anything and everything. That was at home, school had different motivations but it amounted to the same thing: me trying to strive for something either had to end in swift and (publicly) humiliating defeat, or it would turn into a rousing game of Move the Goalposts, chasing after a prize there was never any intention of giving me, but hey, at least the other person got exactly what they wanted, right? And so I became someone who learned to live without, to combat this the only way I could. And now, later on, I'm a person who can stop eating whole food groups and stick with it, but someone who struggles to find the motivation to keep getting on the treadmill. Funny the way that kind of crap can just keep bothering you, in new and surprising ways.

 

I'd needed a brain hack to even start, training myself to see it as combating weakness and forget the more typical vanity reasons (tons of effort for no reward). It took a few months to drill it in there, but my mind bought it and hear I am, making progress. I probably need another one before I can even start dealing with the difficulty of creating new habits. I've been trying to tell myself this is not a prize anyone else has to give me, and isn't dependent on another's approval, that no one will notice what I do and won't care even if they did, and so its just a thing for me and no one can ruin it for me, take it away from me or use it to wring something else out of me. It might take a little while, but if I can convince my mind that no one gives a shit it might be enough to make it look possible instead of like a trap.

 

I'm also looking for some other hobby or something to start learning. Life has been getting far too boring, I need something else to entertain myself with.

[Red Dragoon]

When you have to dig back through your email to find a link that can get you back to your battle log, should you just say fuck it and start a new one? Probably, but I keep hoping I can do better keeping up this time.

 

209.6 this morning, finally a zero there right in the middle!

 

I had thought once, when I got down to the last ten pounds before being under 200 (a landmark worth celebrating), that I would use that as a short term goal, to jump back on the treadmill (or do the body weight workouts here on Nerd Fitness) and get to that point as fast as I can. Bad news, its August and its 100 degrees right now, so that probably is not a good idea. Good news, it is the end of August, so I'm sure I'll have time when the heatwave ends and sane weather reigns once more.

 

Nerd Fitness went and overhauled its quest system while I wasn't looking. Now some times, like the Mindset module, that I had finished I now have open. Looking through it for some other short term wins, what is currently possible and not. Like sleep hacks, out. Or the way they're written in the program are just not possible. Been there, tried that, already know the short term failure, the long term health problems and why it all works that way. Though I can manage improvements in other ways, recently I stopped sucking down Benedryl to help me sleep, which I'd been doing way too often, and I feel a lot better in the morning now because of it.

 

Social life wise, articles are a lot more optimistic than I am now, or have been in a long time. I used to be optimistic, but then life happened. I know, people will tell me I should have more hope, hope just hope, it could be right around the corner! But you can't live on hope alone, forever, not without some at least small wins to tide you over and make you feel like yes, this is the right direction and success can actually be found here. How many times do you keep trying before its the definition of insanity? I'm not just talking about where I live now, I don't fit in and don't want to (gave up on this place and have been much less stressed for it), thinking ahead to when I leave and what I can reasonably expect to find. I have been very socially isolated for a number of years now, attempts to change that have failed, the few that succeeded either turned into a flaming train wreck, or dragged on annoyingly because person in question was so dedicated to being seen as nice he didn't have the backbone to end the friendship when he wanted to and instead made me do it so it would be my fault and not his. I don't enjoy this, but I don't enjoy the typical pattern that always happens when I try to step out of my corner and see if I can find a place in the world (even a small one, I don't want much more). It sucks no matter what, but one kind of pain is not avoidable (assuming the pattern can't be broken) and the other is. So I find myself considering, at the end of several very miserable years, after a lifetime of not succeeding, is it worth it to keep trying? Or should I just admit to myself you are too much of an oddball to connect with people, the situation has gone on too long to be salvageable and you are going to live a very solitary life, whether you wanted it that way or not, so learn to survive it now?

 

Okay, something more positive. The Bat Cave Shoe Box rearranging should be redone and refined. And meditation. I used to be actively religious, its fallen off in recent years and I wouldn't mind fixing that, but anyway, it means that I used to kind of meditate. Kind of, because trying to do it the most commonly prescribed way was always a failure. I can't sit still and think nothing, or focus on my breathing (what happens there is I always end up hyper focused on those seconds where there is no breath in my lungs, then anxiety, then calm ruined, I'm crazy). I needed a purpose, something to focus thoughts on so it was always done in a religious context, and it happens easier when I'm doing something mindless, walking around, chores, whatever. If altered state of consciousness is the sign of success, then I could do it in my own way. I wouldn't mind doing it again, so I might take the excuse.

 

I'll pick one goal, very soon, and work toward it. And as soon as the heatwave ends, see about getting those last ten pounds standing between me and the next weight level down.