Bob's Daily Step Forward

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Sunday, August 12th, 2018

 

Christ it's been that long?  Damn...

 

Let's have a quick recap - 2017 was, hands down, the worst year of my life.  A lot, and I mean a lot has happened since my last post.  Not 3 days after posting it, I was laid off from my job.  I had to put my cat down.  My wife and I couldn't find work in Portland after she graduated college, so we ended up moving back to my hometown, living in a single room in my sister's house.  I couldn't find much work in my hometown, so I decided to go back to school.  Now, I'm typing this post at a job that I really don't like, and next month I become a full-time student.  It was only recently discovered that I suffer from moderate levels of depression, and have been taking medication to slowly bring myself to a more level-headed state of mind.

 

Reading over all my old posts was a bit depressing.  I'm still heavy, and I'm still making the same god damn mistakes.  I do however know that I was glossing over a lot of the problems back in 2016.  I was... really, really unhappy.  I didn't want to admit it.  I thought I could just keep smiling.  Keep pushing forward, and I'd be okay.  In the end, all it did was fill me with sadness and anger.  I've slowly learned that I need to embrace what I'm feeling.  Don't look for the why, just know that I'm feeling it.  Go with it.

 

I really don't know what else to say.  I mean... I'm tracking my food.  I'm rucking.  I'm going to school.  I'm making progress in my life.  I know I haven't had nearly enough fucking coffee to attack this day.  At least I got all my homework done.  So, there's that.  I can focus on posting a little more in the NF forum.

 

I can't focus on the negative aspects in my life right now.  Yes, this job sucks.  Yes, this chair I'm currently sitting on sucks.  I really haven't had enough coffee today.  I mean fuck.

 

Fuck!

 

Ah screw it.  There's good things waiting for me at home.  I bet I can even find some good things while I'm here, in the moment.

 

Maybe.

 

I'm blessed with a lot of things.  I need to remember that.  If anyone reads this, I love you.  I got your back.  Don't be afraid to fail.  Just, try something new.  Go have fun.

 

Hopefully, when I read this in a year, I'll be in a better place.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Friday, August 17th, 2018

 

Had a chat with my doctor yesterday about my depression meds.  He talked about taking me off them eventually after about 9 months, so that my brain would "learn" to produce serotonin on its own.  Honestly, the thought of being off my meds scares the hell out of me.  I've been fine ever since I've been taking them, and I didn't like the way I was when I wasn't on them.  Still, if taking them for a while will "fix" my head, I'd say we could at least try it.  I want to make sure we have a backup plan just in case it doesn't work.  I was so much angrier without them, and I don't want to go back to that place ever again...

 

Just got back from a rucking session.  I lightened the weight on my backpack a bit, so that's helped.

 

I really don't know what to say.  I mean, when I made my last post, I was really sad.  I was in a bad spot I couldn't get out of emotionally, and work was kicking my ass.  Now, I guess I'm okay.  Maybe my happiness is supposed to come in short bursts or something.  But, I am okay.  And that's what's important.

 

This feels less like a daily step forward, and more like a journey into Bob's head.  Fuck it.  We'll go with that.

 

Gonna workout tomorrow and Sunday.  Gonna get back into parkour training.  Talking about it with my doctor made me really realize how much I miss it, and how I need to get back into it.  My small town is just waiting to be explored.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Monday, August 20th, 2018

 

Sunday was very humbling, as I came to the realization that I am way too heavy to be doing the exercises I want to do.  Not just humbling, but also disgruntling.  Still, I can walk, and if that's what I have to do for now, then so be it.  I've been consistent with my walking and eating as well.  It's been good for me.  I really don't have much else to say about it.  It's been kinda boring.

 

I'm tired.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I had to piss every 3 fucking hours, and my neck is killing me, for the third day in a row.  I think my pillows are causing it.  I need new ones or something.  Maybe I just need to fluff them.

 

Today just feels like a "meh" kinda day.  I know I needed to send an update, but I don't have much to write.  Like I said, tired.  But, things are going well in other aspects of my life.  The album is coming along nicely.

 

God I'm tired.

 

I need to... do stuff.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

August 23rd, 2018

 

Last Tuesday was fantastic.  I got some days off work, and I spent the entire day getting some stuff done.  I ate well, I worked out, I made music, and I enjoyed every single second of it.  Work hard, play hard, and relax harder.  It was honestly one of the better days I've had in a while, and considering all the crazy shit I've been going through, that's really saying something.

 

On the downside, I probably won't have completely studied up on being able to take my CompTIA A+ cert test.  At the very least, I'll study as much as I can, when I can, and probably while school is going on.  However, before I can do that, I need to finish up the album and have it released.  One less thing to worry about.  It's nearly done.  One more track to complete, and we're good.

 

I'm getting shit done.  It feels... really awesome.  I'm... feeling okay.  Not happy, jump and down for joy sorta thing, but I'm okay.  I've been learned new ways to deal with my downs, and celebrating my ups.  I'm okay.  I'm really okay.  It's great.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

September 1st, 2018

 

It's been a rough week.  I've been struggling with... well, I keep judging myself based on my own weight.  I'm literally measuring my self-worth based on my relationship with gravity.  I know that's bullshit, and that I have a lot of other qualities to offer the world.  I also know the pressures put on by society, where are food in America is loaded with salt and sugar, and yet we're supposed to maintain this ideal look of healthiness.  I know it's all bullshit, and yet it's hard for me to escape that feeling sometimes...

 

I've also been thinking a lot about my exercise routines.  I want to do things that are more fun, but I'm far too heavy.  I also know that I need to eat better.  I have to eat better.

 

On the plus side, I finished up my first music project, and I'm looking forward to my next one.  Should be a lot of fun.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Saturday, November 23rd, 2019

 

It certainly has been a while.  As I type out these words... I'm at a bit of a loss...

 

Not doing this today.  I'm okay.  Just... not doing it.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Friday, December 13th, 12:27 AM

 

I just finished a 15 minute meditation session.  I haven't meditated in what seems like years... Perhaps it just forces me to really listen to the thoughts in my head, rather than try to drown them out with music and socializing.

 

I'm sad.

 

I'm really sad.

 

Perhaps my life is too chaotic right now.  Which is strange, considering I'm on break, and I should be relaxing, and decompressing.  Then again, these could be just the late night ramblings of a tired man.  Either way, I know I don't have to be sad if I don't want to.

 

Keeping it short tonight.  Got a lot of cleaning to do, and I want to at least get some of it done.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Friday, December 27th, 2019

 

As I sit here, typing this out at work, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with an oncoming sense of dread.  Yes, next week, school starts back up again, and just like every friggin' quarter, I don't feel like I'm ready for it.

 

I feel like I'm stuck in horrible place between 0 and 1 - maybe it's just the late night tiredness setting in.  It just feels... like I'm not ready for tomorrow.  Maybe.  I don't know.

 

On a related note, I happened to find myself meditating on Christmas Eve, late at night.  With my wife gone to visit family, I had a moment to actually sit, and focus my mind.  It had been... years I think since I last meditated, and it was amazing the amount of clarity I had after just 15 minutes of quietly sitting.  I will definitely be adding it into my daily routine.  It helps more than I could ever have expected.

 

I love you all.  All of you.  Stay beautiful.