Crying myself a river

[valkyrja]

Alright, time to make an impression, but heads up this might become a sob-story.

 

I'm nearly 22 years old, I train about 3-5 days a week, have lost weight and gained muscle, my fat percentage dropped from nearly 27 to 23 in three months through distance training and I ran half a marathon completely by myself indoors on a treadmill less than six weeks ago. I am awesome. But I don't believe that. 3-5 times a week isn't nearly enough, it's not hard enough, it's not intense enough. So what if my fat percentage is lower now than it has ever been? It's not low enough. And half a marathon doesn't really count when you complete it in 2 hours and 30 min on an average speed of 9 km/h. 

 

I want to join kick boxing at a martial arts center near me. I've joined it 3 times. And quit 3 times. Today I've had 2 slices of apple pie and probably 4 glasses of fruit juice and you have no idea how tempting it is to make myself throw it all up. I have never actually made myself throw up, but I've been thinking about it on and off since I was 14. 

 

I don't know why I wanted to get fit, I saw a picture of myself and thought I looked like someone had tried to wrap mashed potatoes in seran wrap. I don't even know how fit I want to get. I want to get slimmer and stronger- whatever the hell that means. How do you measure that? Where's the progress? I put all this time into gym and boxing but never feel I'm getting closer to my goals because I don't have any. Just a perfectionist with mild depression, social anxiety who's crippled by fear of making any mistakes at all trying to get in shape. And the voices in my head are determined to convince me that no matter how hard I try it is just never going to happen. I was and forever will be the chubby, shy and stressed little 11 year old who stuffed her face with doughnuts to deal with the bullying. 

 

I know this is all very corny and sad and way too dramatic but bear with me, we all need to vent sometimes.

 

I'm so tired of having no direction, of hating my body, of being constantly stressed, of never feeling like I can be proud of myself, of never feeling like I did enough. 

 

How do you create a lasting habit? How do you find goals? How do you stick to something you don't actually think you are capable of? 

[Steaky]

Hi and welcome to the rebellion, good to have you here.  

 

Firstly, I would suggest having a look around the forums and the blog to try to identify some goals you would like to set. Make them as big or as small as you want, but make them specific, with a time frame. So one of mine is to hike for 3 hours at a reasonable pace without any adverse consequences with my wife by September. It's better than 'I want to learn to hike' or 'I want to walk more'. 

 

There red are a few people around the boards who have dealt with various mental health issues. I believe there are some still struggling, at different levels.  [url=http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2011/07/21/meet-staci-your-new-powerlifting-super-hero] one of them is Spezzy, one of the moderators here[/url]. I would suggest you talk to your physician as well as it sounds like you could you the help and advice of a trained professional. 

 

Good luck with with it and feel free to ask questions. 

[valkyrja]

Thank you, Steaky. I'll read up some more on these topics and I'll check out Spezzy. I've been in therapy for my mental health issues so I should be good there, just need to keep doing that  Thanks for the support! 

[Duality]

Hey, if you need help fixing yourself an attainable goal, shoot me a PM, I'll gladly help you find a milestone you'll want and can meet

[valkyrja]

Thank you Duality! I'm really new to this forum so I have no idea how to PM but I'll figure it out and contact you, thank you for offering your help  

[Steaky]

4 hours ago, valkyrja said:

Thank you, Steaky. I'll read up some more on these topics and I'll check out Spezzy. I've been in therapy for my mental health issues so I should be good there, just need to keep doing that  Thanks for the support! 

Glad to hear that. 

 

To to send a PM (private message) to someone, you click their name. When their page loads up, there is an option to the right to send a private message. 

 

And ive noticed one of my links hasn't worked within the code, for some reason, which is frustrating. 

[valkyrja]

9 minutes ago, Steaky said:

Glad to hear that. 

 

To to send a PM (private message) to someone, you click their name. When their page loads up, there is an option to the right to send a private message. 

 

And ive noticed one of my links hasn't worked within the code, for some reason, which is frustrating. 

Ok thanks, I'll try that!  

[RedStone]

20 hours ago, valkyrja said:

How do you create a lasting habit? How do you find goals? How do you stick to something you don't actually think you are capable of? 

 

Hey Valkyrja! glad to see you made it to the threads  I find that creating a routine and sticking to it is one of the best ways to instill in a new idea/habit, even if it seems silly or wrong at first. Kind of like muscle memory, a particular activity or thought pattern can really take hold when done steadily. It also helps to allow yourself to not do everything at once, one thing at a time, and when that first thing starts to feel solid, the next one can be added. Slow and steady, consistency for the win!

 

When I was going through one of my worst depressions, I found I couldn't do simple things like getting up to change my clothes/channel/use the restroom etc. Eventually I found a mantra - do it because you can't. I wanted to prove to myself that I, in fact, could. I'd say it again and again until finally I got up. Then when I found that I could do the one thing, the second thing I couldn't do wasn't far away from being tackled as well. Wins are contagious and they start with a small one! 

 

Good luck and I'll be keeping an eye out, hit me up anytime of course  

[valkyrja]

27 minutes ago, ~RedStone~ said:

Wins are contagious and they start with a small one! 

 

 

That sentence really jumped out to me! Again I must compliment you, your words are gold. 

 

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it. Right now I'm trying to narrow down all my wants into a prioritized list so I can focus on one thing and do that really well without feeling the pressure of not doing the other things. It's about should's and wants really. Is it ok to back out of running half a marathon once you've promised people you would? I feel like I might be letting my friends and family down and giving up. 

 

Mental illness is a struggle but I feel like I'm slowly gathering the tools to help me overcome what I can and accept that this is a part of me. Love yourself and all that corny crap (clichés are clichés for a reason after all). 

 

Great advice, I'll keep them in mind and thank you for all your help!  

[RedStone]

1 hour ago, valkyrja said:

 

That sentence really jumped out to me! Again I must compliment you, your words are gold. 

 

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it. Right now I'm trying to narrow down all my wants into a prioritized list so I can focus on one thing and do that really well without feeling the pressure of not doing the other things. It's about should's and wants really. Is it ok to back out of running half a marathon once you've promised people you would? I feel like I might be letting my friends and family down and giving up. 

 

Mental illness is a struggle but I feel like I'm slowly gathering the tools to help me overcome what I can and accept that this is a part of me. Love yourself and all that corny crap (clichés are clichés for a reason after all). 

 

Great advice, I'll keep them in mind and thank you for all your help!  

 

So fas as the running goes, I would consider how much you enjoy it and how much work you've already put in. At this point in your process I wouldn't put a ton of stock in doing things for other people - if it benefits you in a positive way, good. If you enjoy it, good. If you've already trained like hell and it's coming up soon, why not see if through and get that win? But it you're only doing it to make other people happy, or because you think they'll see you in a negative way, I'm not sure that's a good enough reason. Sometimes stepping back and saying no to negative things is the stronger way to go, so it's a question of whether or not it's a negative thing for you.

 

"Gathering tools" is exactly how I saw my process, and like everything else, takes time. There are steps forward and steps back all along the way, but it's a worthwhile trip  

 

 

[valkyrja]

Yes, I agree with you that your motivation, fitness motivation especially, needs to be internal and maybe I'm not so passionate about running. But running this summer with my dad is a goal I've set myself and I want to stick to it. I did some thinking and I think the reason I want to drop out of the race is simply because I'm afraid I'm going to be last (or at least far from the top) and am worries people are going to make fun of me for it. That's fear and anxiety and I don't want those things to control me anymore. So I'm gonna run the race on my snail-slow time if I have too. I want to be able to say I did it, that I made it through. I've got 3 months to train for it and having already run half a marathon I know I'm capable of doing it, I just have to shave off a few minutes

 

Then once it's done I can start running just for stress-relief and peace of mind and focus on kick-boxing. I really shouldn't do pole either until I've strengthened my back some more, I'm sure there's a page for that somewhere around here too 

 

In the immortal words of the Icelanders: "Þetta reddast" (It'll work itself out). 

 

 

[Shakeel_R]

Ola! Doughnuts are godly, I myself am quite addicted to them. What kind of boxing are you looking into? Regular? Kick Boxing? May Thai?

 

Quote

And half a marathon doesn't really count when you complete it in 2 hours and 30 min on an average speed of 9 km/h. 

THAT IS AWESOME! You completed it. Now you go like, to an average speed of 9.5km/h! You can do it! I did it :/

Anyhow, if yo need to vent more, PM me or so. And with help on goals and stuff let me know too! We could help each other out! 

[Grymm]

One thing I've found, and this is true in running, lifting, golf, almost anything athletic you can do by yourself:  People who are good at it have spent a ton of time practicing and training by themselves.  As such, they have to love doing it, and they want to share the enthusiasm they have for it with others.  Nobody worth a hill of beans is going to critique your time.  In fact, the faster they are, the more likely that they are happy you showed up.  Also, in actual races, the start is usually tiered so that you're running with people roughly your speed. 

[valkyrja]

4 hours ago, Shakeel_R said:

Ola! Doughnuts are godly, I myself am quite addicted to them. What kind of boxing are you looking into? Regular? Kick Boxing? May Thai?

 

THAT IS AWESOME! You completed it. Now you go like, to an average speed of 9.5km/h! You can do it! I did it :/

Anyhow, if yo need to vent more, PM me or so. And with help on goals and stuff let me know too! We could help each other out! 

 

I'm thinking about doing kick box, my parents aren't too thrilled about it. I worry about my back a little bit but it's been getting stronger- just need to focus more on strengthening that area in particular. Do you do any boxing or martial arts? 

 

Thank you for your kind words. I try to tell myself I did a good job, I am my own worst critic. I'm planning on running this summer with my dad and I'd like to beat that time which I think I can do if I train, 88 days to go until the race- should be plenty. 

 

It's good to know I can look to you for help, I really appreciate it!  

[valkyrja]

4 hours ago, Grymm said:

One thing I've found, and this is true in running, lifting, golf, almost anything athletic you can do by yourself:  People who are good at it have spent a ton of time practicing and training by themselves.  As such, they have to love doing it, and they want to share the enthusiasm they have for it with others.  Nobody worth a hill of beans is going to critique your time.  In fact, the faster they are, the more likely that they are happy you showed up.  Also, in actual races, the start is usually tiered so that you're running with people roughly your speed. 

 

Thank you, this helped me calm down  Of course people aren't going to point at me and laugh- I wouldn't ever so why would others? It's just the fear and anxiety in my head, perfectionism sucks. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm actually quite excited about this project now. I've decided to run so now I've got focus, just need to build a plan and get moving. 

 

[RedStone]

6 hours ago, valkyrja said:

I did some thinking and I think the reason I want to drop out of the race is simply because I'm afraid I'm going to be last (or at least far from the top) and am worries people are going to make fun of me for it. That's fear and anxiety and I don't want those things to control me anymore. So I'm gonna run the race on my snail-slow time if I have too. I want to be able to say I did it, that I made it through. I've got 3 months to train for it and having already run half a marathon I know I'm capable of doing it, I just have to shave off a few minutes

 

LOVE the conviction! \o

Thinking about it, making priorities, deciding which parts are harmful (in this case internal fear maybe?) and over coming them.  You're on your way.

 

5 hours ago, Grymm said:

Nobody worth a hill of beans is going to critique your time.  In fact, the faster they are, the more likely that they are happy you showed up.  Also, in actual races, the start is usually tiered so that you're running with people roughly your speed. 

 

One of the fears I had when I was starting, but on my first day trying to figure out the squat rack, a big scary muscley bro helped me out. When I mumbled something about being intimidated, first day etc, he grinned like a GD sweetheart and said, hey, we all started right where you are now. <3 

 

[Shakeel_R]

On 23 May 2016 at 0:44 AM, valkyrja said:

 

I'm thinking about doing kick box, my parents aren't too thrilled about it. I worry about my back a little bit but it's been getting stronger- just need to focus more on strengthening that area in particular. Do you do any boxing or martial arts? 

 

Thank you for your kind words. I try to tell myself I did a good job, I am my own worst critic. I'm planning on running this summer with my dad and I'd like to beat that time which I think I can do if I train, 88 days to go until the race- should be plenty. 

 

It's good to know I can look to you for help, I really appreciate it!  

 

I have done boxing kick boxing, kendo, tae kwon do. Until, someone above the clouds decided that it was time to wreck my knees (actually did it myself, but I like to blame something)

Don't try and tell. Just tell Look in the mirror and be like: Bump fists cause I did great. 

Something I learned over the years, is that a positive attitude will always help. 

And yeah, just send me a pm or find me somewhere.

[valkyrja]

6 hours ago, Shakeel_R said:

 

I have done boxing kick boxing, kendo, tae kwon do. Until, someone above the clouds decided that it was time to wreck my knees (actually did it myself, but I like to blame something)

Don't try and tell. Just tell Look in the mirror and be like: Bump fists cause I did great. 

Something I learned over the years, is that a positive attitude will always help. 

And yeah, just send me a pm or find me somewhere.

 

Oh wow that's a lot! Which did you like the best and why? I started in Tae Kwon Do myself as a teen which sparked the interest, didn't like the trainers tho. I'm more interested in trying something new and can't wait to start kick boxing!  

 

I'm sorry to hear about your injury and hope you recover soon, or at least to the extent that you can get back to exercising in a way that you enjoy. 

 

I just got home from a fitness box practice and I made an effort to tell myself I did a good job. I kept my eyes down and only whispered but it's a start.

[Shakeel_R]

10 hours ago, valkyrja said:

 

Oh wow that's a lot! Which did you like the best and why? I started in Tae Kwon Do myself as a teen which sparked the interest, didn't like the trainers tho. I'm more interested in trying something new and can't wait to start kick boxing!  

 

I'm sorry to hear about your injury and hope you recover soon, or at least to the extent that you can get back to exercising in a way that you enjoy. 

 

I just got home from a fitness box practice and I made an effort to tell myself I did a good job. I kept my eyes down and only whispered but it's a start.

My parents dragged me everywhere. It includes dance practice as well. I like boxing the most. It felt more mature. 

 

I have given up on recovery I am just making things work with what I have. See! You did a good job! You can do it!

[Zappa]

On 5/22/2016 at 4:26 PM, valkyrja said:

Alright, time to make an impression, but heads up this might become a sob-story.

 

I'm nearly 22 years old, I train about 3-5 days a week, have lost weight and gained muscle, my fat percentage dropped from nearly 27 to 23 in three months through distance training and I ran half a marathon completely by myself indoors on a treadmill less than six weeks ago. I am awesome. But I don't believe that. 3-5 times a week isn't nearly enough, it's not hard enough, it's not intense enough. So what if my fat percentage is lower now than it has ever been? It's not low enough. And half a marathon doesn't really count when you complete it in 2 hours and 30 min on an average speed of 9 km/h. 

 

I want to join kick boxing at a martial arts center near me. I've joined it 3 times. And quit 3 times. Today I've had 2 slices of apple pie and probably 4 glasses of fruit juice and you have no idea how tempting it is to make myself throw it all up. I have never actually made myself throw up, but I've been thinking about it on and off since I was 14. 

 

I don't know why I wanted to get fit, I saw a picture of myself and thought I looked like someone had tried to wrap mashed potatoes in seran wrap. I don't even know how fit I want to get. I want to get slimmer and stronger- whatever the hell that means. How do you measure that? Where's the progress? I put all this time into gym and boxing but never feel I'm getting closer to my goals because I don't have any. Just a perfectionist with mild depression, social anxiety who's crippled by fear of making any mistakes at all trying to get in shape. And the voices in my head are determined to convince me that no matter how hard I try it is just never going to happen. I was and forever will be the chubby, shy and stressed little 11 year old who stuffed her face with doughnuts to deal with the bullying. 

 

I know this is all very corny and sad and way too dramatic but bear with me, we all need to vent sometimes.

 

I'm so tired of having no direction, of hating my body, of being constantly stressed, of never feeling like I can be proud of myself, of never feeling like I did enough. 

 

How do you create a lasting habit? How do you find goals? How do you stick to something you don't actually think you are capable of? 

 

A lot this sounded and felt familiar to me! I now train pretty much every day, and in excess of an hour each day.I think I might a rest day at the end of this month as I'm worried I'm getting addicted! I've fallen in love with running, though hate treadmills, and will do a half-marathon later this year, at my current pace It'll probably take me around 2hrs 30 mins.  The difference being that I DO feel awesome, the confidence I've gained as an already quite confident person is immeasurable. 

 

Have you bought any new clothes lately? I found that gives me a real boost in terms of my mood and my motivation and you'll be happier with how you look in the mirror with better fitting clothes. 

 

In terms of setting goals - why not sign up for a race near you? The fact that my half marathon is a few months away, despite the fact I feel I could easily run the distance now means that I'll be focused until then, at which point I can set myself another goal. 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself! You ARE awesome.

 

 

[Zappa]

On 5/23/2016 at 6:52 PM, valkyrja said:

Yes, I agree with you that your motivation, fitness motivation especially, needs to be internal and maybe I'm not so passionate about running. But running this summer with my dad is a goal I've set myself and I want to stick to it. I did some thinking and I think the reason I want to drop out of the race is simply because I'm afraid I'm going to be last (or at least far from the top) and am worries people are going to make fun of me for it. That's fear and anxiety and I don't want those things to control me anymore. So I'm gonna run the race on my snail-slow time if I have too. I want to be able to say I did it, that I made it through. I've got 3 months to train for it and having already run half a marathon I know I'm capable of doing it, I just have to shave off a few minutes

 

Then once it's done I can start running just for stress-relief and peace of mind and focus on kick-boxing. I really shouldn't do pole either until I've strengthened my back some more, I'm sure there's a page for that somewhere around here too 

 

In the immortal words of the Icelanders: "Þetta reddast" (It'll work itself out). 

 

 

Oops, should have read this before making my last post! 

[valkyrja]

54 minutes ago, Zappa said:

 

A lot this sounded and felt familiar to me! I now train pretty much every day, and in excess of an hour each day.I think I might a rest day at the end of this month as I'm worried I'm getting addicted! I've fallen in love with running, though hate treadmills, and will do a half-marathon later this year, at my current pace It'll probably take me around 2hrs 30 mins.  The difference being that I DO feel awesome, the confidence I've gained as an already quite confident person is immeasurable. 

 

Have you bought any new clothes lately? I found that gives me a real boost in terms of my mood and my motivation and you'll be happier with how you look in the mirror with better fitting clothes. 

 

In terms of setting goals - why not sign up for a race near you? The fact that my half marathon is a few months away, despite the fact I feel I could easily run the distance now means that I'll be focused until then, at which point I can set myself another goal. 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself! You ARE awesome.

 

 

 

Thank you so much! It's so good to hear that your confidence has risen because of running! I know I'm my own worst critic, it's difficult to feel proud of myself because I feel like I'd be bragging- which is stupid because I should feel pride for doing the things I do. 

 

I haven't bought any new clothes recently no, but I feel that clothing I had is starting to bag on me which is so weird. Most of my pants are too big and all my tight-fitting tanktops now hang loosely. I think the biggest thing I've noticed tho is that I can see my collarbones and my back is so much more leaner. I'd like to control the zone of the fat-loss more since my tummy is pretty much the same but instead my boobs are shrinking- that seems totally unfair. I'm gonna buy some more clothes this summer when I go on holiday- if I manage to save up some money that is haha

 

I totally agree with you on setting up a race a few months away. Like you I've already run 21 k and therefor know I can do it which calms me down a bit. And don't worry about not having read my other reply, everything you said was relevant and supportive!  

[Zappa]

14 minutes ago, valkyrja said:

 

Thank you so much! It's so good to hear that your confidence has risen because of running! I know I'm my own worst critic, it's difficult to feel proud of myself because I feel like I'd be bragging- which is stupid because I should feel pride for doing the things I do. 

 

I haven't bought any new clothes recently no, but I feel that clothing I had is starting to bag on me which is so weird. Most of my pants are too big and all my tight-fitting tanktops now hang loosely. I think the biggest thing I've noticed tho is that I can see my collarbones and my back is so much more leaner. I'd like to control the zone of the fat-loss more since my tummy is pretty much the same but instead my boobs are shrinking- that seems totally unfair. I'm gonna buy some more clothes this summer when I go on holiday- if I manage to save up some money that is haha

 

I totally agree with you on setting up a race a few months away. Like you I've already run 21 k and therefor know I can do it which calms me down a bit. And don't worry about not having read my other reply, everything you said was relevant and supportive!  

 

I find new clothing helps just because it can be so hard to quantify or rather qualify weight loss so if you can treat yourself to just one cheap outfit I'd recommend it. The thing is, losing a pound doesn't sound like a lot, losing a kilo sounds like a bit more but It's hard to visualise. Slightly odd but I remember looking at a pack of 4 or 5 chicken breasts recently and it weighed 1kg. Then I thought, well I've lost 25kg so far this year and if I assumed a chicken breast had the same density as fat (just for simplicity's sake) then what I lost in weight was 100-125 chicken breasts, or alternatively 220 raw quarter pounder burgers! I then thought about what I would look like if I sellotaped 125 chicken breasts, or 220 raw quarter pounder, to my body. Then answer is odd, I would look odd. Anyway, it sounds bizarre but it helps you realise how much you actually achieve losing just 1kg of fat. I think we can lose perspective, it takes a long time to SEE the change in our bodies when we're losing weight. Like I'd still consider myself fat, I look in the mirror and I still see a fat guy, but I'm so much less fat that I was and that all helps me stay that little bit more motivated. 

[valkyrja]

11 minutes ago, Zappa said:

 

I find new clothing helps just because it can be so hard to quantify or rather qualify weight loss so if you can treat yourself to just one cheap outfit I'd recommend it. The thing is, losing a pound doesn't sound like a lot, losing a kilo sounds like a bit more but It's hard to visualise. Slightly odd but I remember looking at a pack of 4 or 5 chicken breasts recently and it weighed 1kg. Then I thought, well I've lost 25kg so far this year and if I assumed a chicken breast had the same density as fat (just for simplicity's sake) then what I lost in weight was 100-125 chicken breasts, or alternatively 220 raw quarter pounder burgers! I then thought about what I would look like if I sellotaped 125 chicken breasts, or 220 raw quarter pounder, to my body. Then answer is odd, I would look odd. Anyway, it sounds bizarre but it helps you realise how much you actually achieve losing just 1kg of fat. I think we can lose perspective, it takes a long time to SEE the change in our bodies when we're losing weight. Like I'd still consider myself fat, I look in the mirror and I still see a fat guy, but I'm so much less fat that I was and that all helps me stay that little bit more motivated. 

 

That's such a funny way of describing it! But yea, I totally get what you mean! It's so hard to see or feel how much weight has come off. My friends say they see such a difference in me but I don't notice it as much as they do because the change is so gradual for me. Another reason why I'm hesitant to buy myself something new is because I'm just starting my weight loss journey and I plan on losing a lot more so in 3 months the clothes I'd buy now would be kinda baggy and then in 6 months just way too big and then that would just be money down the drain. Then again I can't keep wearing the clothes I'm wearing now which are already too big for me. Hmm.. 

 

25kg's that's amazing! Well done you!  

[Zappa]

Just now, valkyrja said:

 

That's such a funny way of describing it! But yea, I totally get what you mean! It's so hard to see or feel how much weight has come off. My friends say they see such a difference in me but I don't notice it as much as they do because the change is so gradual for me. Another reason why I'm hesitant to buy myself something new is because I'm just starting my weight loss journey and I plan on losing a lot more so in 3 months the clothes I'd buy now would be kinda baggy and then in 6 months just way too big and then that would just be money down the drain. Then again I can't keep wearing the clothes I'm wearing now which are already too big for me. Hmm.. 

 

25kg's that's amazing! Well done you!  

 

The new clothes getting baggy is part of the plan! Your current clothes are baggy and will get baggier - but it's harder to notice the difference between baggy and baggier than the difference between well fitting and baggy...if that makes sense. I was resistant to buying new clothes for the same reason but I find it helps to treat myself  I'm starting to hate baggy clothes though, baggy clothes feel like the old me...something that 'he' would wear. Even though I was bigger I'd wear baggy stuff to try and hide that fact, so I guess that's part of it too.

 

Thanks! I think I've got about another 10-15kg to go.