Leaving the cave

[kylesolo]

I don't post here much; writing now, in here, is making my palms sweaty and my head spin - so apologies if I don't ever appear again, get defensive, or retreat to a safe space to lick my wounds.

 

When I first joined, several years ago, I went through about two months where I was fairly religious about working on body weight exercises... and then I stopped. I'm not totally sure why - partly I was self conscious, partly because I was going alone and had nobody to keep me honest, and partly because I just didn't want to. I used to really enjoy running, but even now, it's hard to get the motivation to get up and go for a run, when in the past I used to be able to run for several miles. That's beside the point, though. I slipped, I stopped, and that was it.

hfd

I've tried getting back at it, and it hasn't worked. My goals... not super specific (or SMART, I guess). I was hiding my workout (when people would come into the shared workout room in my condo, I would usually try to hide in a corner until they left or at least looked away and I could sneak out) and that doesn't lead to confidence... I don't know. Do other people ever feel that way? Why do I feel embarrassed to be concerned about my health? That's not normal, correct?

 

So I've felt like a failure, at least in terms of setting strong habits, but things haven't been a total failure. A friend invited me to join her krav maga class - and I did, and now I've been going for a little over a year. I had a seizure (technically a failure) that has resulted in me not being able to drive for six months (also a failure) but that has made me more reliant on walking or biking places to get around (good thing!). 

And yet my head won't let me forget the negatives (you're eating junk food, you're staying up too late, you're not exercising, you're napping, you're falling asleep listening to music, you're not enough of a nerd, etc. etc. etc.) I'm trying to ignore them.

 

So screw it. Let's start over/respawn (is respawn when you blow yourself up with a grenade before somebody else can kill you like in that episode of 30 Rock?).

 

In the past, the one time I've been successful was when I was getting ready to go on vacation, and I've just booked a holiday for this coming December. I'm hoping, with that deadline in mind, I can focus in and narrow down on the specifics of what I'd like to achieve. Of course, I'm still not totally sure how to do a lot of the epic quests or to declare that's what it is, or to even do something about it. But I'm hoping to go beyond cardio and beyond just hoping that things will work out, and making it to a point where I can set achievable goals that will then lead to more goals.

 

So... any suggestions would be great. Or at least commiseration. And again, even if I disappear after this and don't even read the comments to this (it's possible), I think the act of getting this off my chest and letting somebody know what's going on is at least a good step - I'm trying to be more open in real life, but that's also a struggle - so I'll start here. It's better than nowhere. It'

[Pathfinder]

Hey, I hope you're still around. It sounds like you have social anxiety. I do, too. I find that it's easiest for me to do a bodyweight workout in my room when the gym seems like too much. If you want to talk over pm if that helps, I'm here.

[kylesolo]

First off, thanks for responding - I read this on Saturday, but it took until today to work up the nerve to post a response... I'm trying to work on that (it feels ridiculous to not just be able to fire something off). I've heard people say social anxiety before, but I'm not sure - I've not been in therapy and I don't like the idea of diagnosing myself (last time that happened I had prostate cancer, sickle cell anemia, the diabetes, and a disease found exclusively in pregnant sheep called Licky Ends, so...).

 

I like the idea of body weight exercises. How do you keep up with them? My biggest issue is that it's so much easier to stay in bed and do nothing - body weight exercises aren't the most exciting thing in the world (in my opinion). 

 

Oh well. Thank you again for being willing to talk to me. I may end up PMing you now and then... but hopefully not to a point where it gets annoying.

[Elastigirl]

As far as being self conscious about working out, I've heard a lot of people say that, so you are not alone. It took me forever just to feel confident enough to have my husband see me working out But as you work out more and more one of the side benefits is more confidence. 

[kylesolo]

Thanks, I hope so! It gets really old being able to go to krav maga and work out there, but then not feeling comfortable enough when I go by myself. I've got a lot of pop psychology running through my head for why that might be, but unfortunately no actual answers.

[Kestrel Grey]

Do you have a gym nearby with fitness classes that you can go to? I find it easier if there are a bunch of us doing the same workout, it might be the same for you. They also seem less boring than working out alone so I push myself harder.

 

On 5/30/2016 at 8:18 PM, Elastigirl said:

As far as being self conscious about working out, I've heard a lot of people say that, so you are not alone. It took me forever just to feel confident enough to have my husband see me working out But as you work out more and more one of the side benefits is more confidence. 

Good to know! I still won't exercise if my husband is home, I just feel silly if anyone might be watching me.  Maybe I'll grow out of it too. For right now I just work around it.

[kylesolo]

Yeah, there are a couple near by - one my roommate goes to (he's pretty serious into weight lifting and working out) and I worry that it may seem like I'm stalking him (that is nuts, yes? People don't actually think this?). Of course, my ex goes to the other gym nearby, and I really don't want it to seem like I'm stalking him, so... (Again, does this make me sound crazy?).

 

I go to krav maga at the gym down the street from my house - I can bike there in about ten minutes, walk in about half an hour, and that's been helpful - but that's more cardio. Occasionally I'll run around with a medicine ball, and we do push ups and squats, but it's more about the running and jumping and kicking than anything else.

 

I did find out the weight room in my complex has one of those squat bars (I'm not sure what they're called) but I'm not totally sure how to use it. I realize I could look it up on the internet, but I have a friend whose strategy is to buy a bunch of groupons for different skills (eg parkour), take the classes for the length of the groupon, and then not renew - I wonder if something similar with a personal trainer might help, at least so I can figure out how to be better with the free weights.

[elizabethindigo]

Commenting to say that I ALSO hate other people seeing me at the gym. I totally get feeling...embarrassed (ashamed?) that I care about my physical fitness, etc. which I think mostly comes down to social pressure to BE skinny and attractive. I emphasize the BE part because it seems like that's what the decepticons want: not for people to do things that are good for their bodies, but to just BE the ideal of attractivity.

 

Re: roommate's gym. If your roommate is a decent/nice person at all (or if he's like the weightlifters I know) then he will be thrilled that you want to come to the gym with him/ go to his gym when he is not around. Ask him how he likes it, and I bet he'll give you WAY more info about the gym than you wanted. That way, he'll kind of know you're interested and won't be surprised to see you there.

[kylesolo]

Yeah, my roommate is a great guy - so is his other buddy who he works out with. I like the idea of asking what he thinks about it - good strategy.

 

I think maybe a large part of not wanting people to see me is because I don't want to look like a fool, because I don't know what I'm doing. I've played badminton with a friend before, and I can get all goofy, but I have an idea about badminton. With running, I used to run back in high school PE. But with strength training I really have no idea - I had one weight lifting class in high school (where I got teamed up with people who had some knowledge, but I don't remember the teacher ever coming and helping us) and one weight lifting class in college (where the TA in charge was more interested in flirting with girls and the general vibe was "go play around with this heavy equipment while I talk to these girls"). I hate feeling ignorant, and I hate that I don't like to fail because I have taught students that failure is okay... It's like I can't make my stupid monkey brain believe what is obviously true. Oh well.

 

Thanks for sharing your struggles - I've come to realize over this year that a lot of people have similar struggles as I do in various aspects of work/life - but a lot of people don't talk about it because we think everybody else has got it together. Knowing that other people are going through this makes me feel like even those people who look like experts might have felt this way once too - and it never hurts to remind myself of that.

[green eggs]

3 hours ago, kylesolo said:

I think maybe a large part of not wanting people to see me is because I don't want to look like a fool, because I don't know what I'm doing.

 

I totally get that, I think a lot of people feel the same way. Maybe you could ask your roommate to help you out / show you the ropes? Or if that sounds scary, how about you ask at the gym if there's a personal trainer who could show you the ropes - even if it's just one session with that person to learn how to use the equipment properly?

[Evicious]

10 hours ago, kylesolo said:

Yeah, my roommate is a great guy - so is his other buddy who he works out with. I like the idea of asking what he thinks about it - good strategy.

 

I think maybe a large part of not wanting people to see me is because I don't want to look like a fool, because I don't know what I'm doing. I've played badminton with a friend before, and I can get all goofy, but I have an idea about badminton. With running, I used to run back in high school PE. But with strength training I really have no idea - I had one weight lifting class in high school (where I got teamed up with people who had some knowledge, but I don't remember the teacher ever coming and helping us) and one weight lifting class in college (where the TA in charge was more interested in flirting with girls and the general vibe was "go play around with this heavy equipment while I talk to these girls"). I hate feeling ignorant, and I hate that I don't like to fail because I have taught students that failure is okay... It's like I can't make my stupid monkey brain believe what is obviously true. Oh well.

 

Thanks for sharing your struggles - I've come to realize over this year that a lot of people have similar struggles as I do in various aspects of work/life - but a lot of people don't talk about it because we think everybody else has got it together. Knowing that other people are going through this makes me feel like even those people who look like experts might have felt this way once too - and it never hurts to remind myself of that.

 

So, I've highlighted the bits of your comment that are relevant to my response.  Starting from the bottom and going back up to the top to make my points:

1. You are correct: everybody struggles to [start new things/learn new skills/stay committed to new habits/arrange their priorities in the most beneficial manner/stop overthinking].

2. You are also correct: learning to do something you've never done before puts you at great risk of ridicule.

If I may offer some advice on this, I suggest you make a list of all the embarrassing things that could happen if/when you attempt to begin weightlifting (falling over, dropping the weights, only being able to lift the bar, farting/sharting, making noise like a chimpanzee humping toucan, etc.)

Then write down what will most likely happen if you do, indeed, do any of those things - I'm willing to bet almost every response is going ultimately end with "Someone will laugh at me."

Now, write down one more thing - what will happen if someone laughs at you?

• You'll feel embarrassed.
• Your ears might turn red.
• Your whole head might turn red.
• You'll feel embarrassed you look like a tomato now.
• You'll probably feel a mix of anger and dismay that you look like a tomato. A clumsy, weak, smelly, weird-sounding tomato.

 

But are you?

 

No. No, you are not. You are not a tomato. Clumsy, weak, smelly, and weird-sounding - maybe. But you are not a tomato. If you were all those things and a tomato, you would be the worst tomato ever to exist. You would be an utterly abnormal and abysmal tomato. No one would ever want you - not even for tomato sauce, which is where all the weird-looking tomatoes go. They probably wouldn't even pick you off the tomato plant - they'd just leave you hanging there, to slowly shrivel up and eventually fall away. And you'd just lie there, gradually melting back into the dirt, to be consumed by the plant that bore you.

 

Good thing you're human, eh? Humans are innately clumsy, weak, smelly, and weird-sounding. That's completely normal for ALL of us, at pretty much every point in our lives, in some capacity. That's why we invented things like gyms and deodorant and music stations - so we could improve our strength, our general odor, and the noise we put out in the world. We all start out completely helpless, stinky, and annoying. But the awesome thing is that - somewhere along our individual timelines - we start doing things that improve our starting stats. Sometimes people forget that. They forget that they're not tomatoes, and that learning and growing are difficult processes with a high degree of failure in the beginning. Those people often judge other people, and they can be very mean to them, because they've forgotten how hard it was when they themselves were first learning. But those people are pretty few and far between, especially in the weightlifting world.

 

Which brings me to my last point....

3. Your roommate and his workout buddy would probably be more than happy to help you learn, if you asked. Good people usually enjoy helping other people. And anyone who's passionate about what they're doing is usually excited to share their passion with interested parties. So at the very least, I'd recommend you ask if they'd be willing to walk you through the basics - tell you which piece of equipment is what, show you how to do one or two things with it, and give you some pointers on correct form for the movements. They'll probably take it further than that; they may even invite you to go with them to workout. If they do, you should take them up on it; at least until you feel confident on your own. And if they don't, you're still better off than when you started. Then it's just a matter of exercising your 20 seconds of courage and getting your hands on the weight.

 

Nobody starts off good at doing anything. We all suck when we start. The difference between the "experts" and the rest of us is that they had the courage to keep trying in spite of their insecurities about it.

 

Tomato.

[kylesolo]

I mean, obviously the big earthquake that's rumored to hit the west coast won't hit while an airplane full of alligators on their way to a wildlife sanctuary in Florida crashes down won't happen the moment I enter the gym (that's about the worst case scenario I can think of), but I still worry. I know that there are posts about being anti-fragile, and in my case it's not so much that I worry about breaking myself, but that I'll have another seizure while I'm working out - It's pretty embarrassing to start flopping around on the floor while simultaneously wetting your pants once you're past the age of about 4. At least last time I was at the gym nobody saw me seize out but the security camera.

 

That said, I've initiated dialogue with my roommate (I like making it sound like some sort of official thing) and I've gotten his advice about strength training. He's super busy with work at the moment because his boss is gone, and what with his recent surgery, he won't be in the gym for a while - but he gave me a place to start. I'm making (baby) steps, but that's better than no steps at all.

 

Long story short - thanks for the advice. This is a busy week (graduation!) so I'm hoping that if nothing else, I'll at least get to my krav class.

 

[Evicious]

You've set yourself on a great path already!  Keep moving forward - baby steps are steps, and that's all that really matters.