Another Chapter of Change.

[Butternut]

I fell off the bandwagon.  I was riding consistently for about a month and a half, got up to 300 miles, I cut out sugar and wheat, lost an inch and a half off my waist.  What pushed me off my wagon was going to a wedding and having 4 (very large) 2-hearted ales. Than my birthday was the next day and I treated myself for reaching my goals by a big bowl of spaghetti and 2 slices of homemade German chocolate cake.

 

Several days later I was waking up sick to my stomach, kidney's hurting, and not knowing what the hell was going on.  I stopped riding. I was getting sick whenever I was eating the foods I loved, veggies, eggs, etc. the only food I wasn't getting sick on was bread, cereal, rice.  So I ate them trying to listen to my body (Maybe with all the riding, I need more carbs?!)

 

2 doctor visits, blood drawn, and cat scan later.... Nothing is wrong with me.. What the F@%#???  I started doing my own research and found this and followed the research to this.  I kept reading more and more and looking from my food journal, I was getting sick from eggs, and avacados, and then vegetables here and there. 

 

I was a self fulfilling prophecy.  Cutting the wheat and sugar out and dramatically putting them back into my diet, I messed up my ecosystem in my gut I think. Also from riding so intensively I was realizing (After a wonderful suggestion from @HappyCat) that I wasn't getting enough electrolytes.  I was riding in 90 degree weather, coming home, drinking my water, eating veggies and meat, but not replacing my carbs and also not getting enough calories.

 

So here I am, the challenge started yesterday and I'm starting today.  I took the last few weeks in July and August to learn, research, and relax.  But now I'm here to "Re-spawn" get back into riding, eat right, get rid of this gut I've gotten just in the last few weeks.  I'm ready to add in grains when necessary, relax and put some honey in my tea, ride my bike because I want too and still maintain a healthy relationship with food.  Have a diet that is for life, not just to fit into a dress for a wedding.

[Dagger]

Some tough stuff came your way. It sounds to me like you handled it as well as you could. Research and now it is time to experiment so to say, as in figure out how to heal your body.

 

I hope you feel better!

[Butternut]

thank you! I feel a ton better, but since I've been eating more sugars and wheat, I don't wake up energized anymore.   I've been sleeping in, mainly because I know once the kids' school starts and i start going back to work, sleeping in will be non existing. BUT I love waking up and drinking my coffee alone.  I feel I get so much more done waking up earlier.  

2 days ago I found myself saying farwell to my wheat, knowing I need to cut it out.  I had made homemade perogies, and also eariler I had made oatmeal cookies for my neighbor and had some extra.  But it was late at night and I found myself eating 3 cookies after my perogies and I found myself afterward feeling like "what the hell?!"  Does anyone feel like when they are over eating, you are in shut down in your brain?  You don't feel or think anything but the food? You don't remember your reasonings of why you don't want to eat that way, your just in auto-pilot?!  It was a "holy hell!" moment.

 

I want to start researching more on addiction.  My brother used to be addicted to heroin and he explained doing it was just how I explained when I over eat.  Not comparing food to heroin but its the habit, the addiction, the forgetting all reason and just doing it. What I want to achieve during this "respawn" is a better understanding in my addiction. I know food gets in the way of my health, confidence, and energy, and I seem to allow it to happen without having full control. 

 

[Dagger]

2 hours ago, Butternut said:

I feel I get so much more done waking up earlier.  

True this.

 

2 hours ago, Butternut said:

But it was late at night and I found myself eating 3 cookies after my perogies and I found myself afterward feeling like "what the hell?!"  Does anyone feel like when they are over eating, you are in shut down in your brain?  You don't feel or think anything but the food? You don't remember your reasonings of why you don't want to eat that way, your just in auto-pilot?!  It was a "holy hell!" moment.

Where you reading my mind. I might have... just might have had a lot sweets today, especially late at night.

 

I think especially late at night snacking is so hard because by then you are all out of energy and don't have the will power to say no. ;_;

[Butternut]

Good point Dagger.  It is that will power where you just don't want to fight anymore. 

 

 

I got a little into addiction, I found an interview with Gabor Mate in a Huffington Post Article, he is a Dr. who specializes in many things revolving around addiction.  In a nutshell the article stated that addictions start from childhood from not just trauma but "not having an emotional need met as a child," and he doesn't mean just addiction to drugs, but addiction to shopping, internet, food, etc. 

 

I completely see his point, but I just can't stop wondering, is it because of the abundance of the substance? Meaning a shopping-holic shops until her credit cards max out, if they do max out. But she keeps feeding that addiction by making sure she pays off the credit card as much as she can so she can keep doing something she "loves." Think of a someone addicted to drugs, when they stop, they stop hanging out with the people that will give it to them. Because they know they have it.  People that get into Paleo and throw away or donate all the crap they don't want to eat anymore.  It's the abundance of what ever you're into and getting away from it because you know you can't control yourself.

 

Now don't get me wrong, food is a touchy subject I think because humans need food, we have it in front of us, we may eat it because its just our nature.  But I'm talking more of the big picture, the picture of not being able to control yourself completely from those decisions. For example: this morning I was proud I was eating so well, then my neighbor brings us a loaf of chocolate zucchini bread, and I find myself after 2 bowls of zucchini bread topped with ice cream, regretting my decision, and wondering again "what the hell?!"

 

This abundance of anything you want to be addicted to is around all of us, the internet, food, sex, drugs. What makes us choose the ones we are addicted too? This I think is what Gabor Mate is talking about.

 

As I wander back into my childhood, I find myself alone a lot, not a lot of food because my mother had no idea how to feed or control 9 children, and my comfort came from when we did have food. I still get picked on from someone catching me eating a chicken leg on the toilet because I was afraid someone was going to eat it. Or the time it was grocery day and at the end of the night I was full to the gills but I was still making myself a bowl of mash potatoes because it might not be there the next day.

 

My addiction is food.  Its my secretary blanket. When I'm eating it, it makes me forget about all the worries, shuts my brain off during the time I'm stuffing it in my mouth, and I get giddy when I see a pint of ice cream in the freezer. My love for food has came from my childhood, but now I need to figure out how to control it.

 

[Butternut]

Addiction, obsession, what is it really?  Why are we raised to think and worry so much of what we eat, what we should and shouldn't?  This comes to people as a problem that fogs their whole days, while others it seems to never phase them.

 

Well I am the one that it phases from time to time.  I obese over food instead of enjoying the moment.  As I am eating at times I think of the next bowl I could have.  I am aware of this.  For 5 years I've been working on it, and only now is it that my voice getting louder saying "this isn't what life is about"

 

Food is here to give us life, not pain and suffering, yet it does daily.

 

I look in my fridge I see a wide range of greens, reds, and home made sauces.  My cupboards full of 4 different types of flours, local honey, and dark chocolate.  Yet when I eat, I choice to obess over how I should have eaten it, how much I Should have taken, and how much I  SHOULD take next time.

 

Where does this obsession come from?

 

As I ponder this in my stair way, past my bedtime. I see I can only come to the conclusion of not trying to figure it out, but understand its there and I can have it with me but I don't have to answer it.  Instead I can listen to that thought and move on.  As I've said before my mind is getting a bit stronger every day the night passes. And I can be strong to realize I can say no, I can embrace the moment, and I am a human that loves life.

[Butternut]

My mother in law has been a personal trainer for about 20 years. She understands nutrition and how important exercise is. She had her 58th birthday last month and she's realized, she's fat.  She says she doesn't understand why because she stays so busy, but as she is saying this she has packaged cookies for the grandkids on the counter and her candy bowl full. 

 

This weekend I went apple picking with my kids and there is an amazing bakery with the best sticky buns you can imagine.  Being full with the moment with my kids and friends we all buy one, next day my husband and I open a bottle of wine and cook a small Chicago style pizza my friend had given us to "Taste what real Chicago style pizza is!"

 

As I am munching down on my pizza and drinking my 3rd glass of wine, I make a realization how hard it is to stay "healthy"

 

My mother in-law finally has grand children over almost every other day, and she wants to be that grandmother with the good stuff on her counters, this is great and all, but the mental power of not eating it is the hard part.  Now you can get sticted and just not buy or cook or go to a place where they have that stuff, but It IS ALWAYS going to be AROUND!  Your will power gets weaker, you get more in the moment of "Oh it won't hurt this time" or "I am sick and tired of being so good, give me the damn doughnut!!"

 

It's the mental power of CONSTANTLY saying "No Thank you"  or "If I eat that, I will feel like shit" 

 

I go to work and I can have a free "coffee" drink, I stair at the syrups all day and debate all day if I should have a sugary drink or not.  Than I go out and debate if I should just have the chips they served me, then later should I eat one of the oatmeal cookies that I baked for a friend.   Eating "wrong" is always around us.

 

Creating rules saying don't eat this or this or that, only creates possibilities to rebel then eventually regret. Why not build mental power of what I really want?  Creating the habit of asking "WHY" I am not eating that instead of "NO" Don't eat that!  Making it a choice rather than a "cheat" or "treat" its a choice that I choose to do because eating a sticky bun outside a farmers marker around a picnic table with friends and family.  Indulging in that moment because its worth that headache and needing of  nap later. 

 

Also know what to expect from what foods do to you is helping myself choice more wisely.  Starting at the coffee shop and know that Milk does nothing buts bloat me, I decided not to add half and half into my coffee because my shirt is tucked in and I don't want to look 3 months pregnant.  Knowing that too much sugar, its hard for me to wake up in the morning, I know if I have to wake up in the morning, I may have to be more forceful and have plenty of loud alarms going off, or I will just skip the 3rd glass of wine because its not worth the pain.

[Butternut]

I'm adding ice to the plastic cup to add espresso, chocolate, and milk base for the Frozen Mocha the customer, and I start listening to my thoughts "what the hell should I eat, what can I eat? I know I should of packed lunch today. I could have a bagel... no too many carbs, I could just have some chocolate covered almonds, a little protein, but sugar? no....  I could just have an early gray tea with some half and half, that'll get me through.."  I shook my head, widen my eyes, and put myself in the present  moment, "Am I even hungry?"  I felt for a few minutes as put whip cream on the frozen mocha I was making for the customer.  I wasn't even hungry, why was I thinking about what I should eat? 

 

This is why I'm constantly "Re-spawning"  I fall into my habits of obsessing over food and over eating the food because "Tomorrow I'll be better"  but as Thomas Wayne said "Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up" 

 

In this version of Re-spawning, I'm going to attack limitation. Sugar gives me headaches, and sleepiness. Wheat bloats me and makes me extremely sleepy.  Dairy bloats me for days.  I know all this, yet I over eat them because... Well I know I shouldn't.  Sunday I said to myself, "I'm going to not eat any sugar or wheat today"  2 beers and a piece of German chocolate cake later, I am beating myself up once more.  Telling myself, yet again, I will try tomorrow.  Tomorrow comes and I wake up having some salmon and squash for breakfast, I didn't bring any thing for lunch (Bad choice of t he day) but tomorrow is also the beginning to the new week, and that means I get to have my sweet treat drink I allow myself....  Well I might as well make my Breve. Mmmm English toffee sounds good....  Small? Nah, medium...  Dammit, I did it again.

 

I get home, my daughter and I have a glass of warm apple cider on the back porch while joking around. For dinner I make veggie lasagna, I open a bottle of wine and have a couple of glasses.  As I'm cleaning up the kitchen, I look at my chalk board, and I see:   and I instantly think of the documentary In Defense Of Food" and I also thought 0of this Article by Ari Whitten.

 

I am obsessing when I should just be living.  Which I did when I came home.  It was a chilly fall day and my daughter and I enjoyed a glass of warm cider.  I slowly at my lasagna while pairing it with my French wine.  I could have had a small breve with some caramel and enjoyed it for the fact I went a week without having any other sweet drinks.

 

My obsession is getting in the way of just living my life.  Yesterday I was thinking about food instead of talking to the customer, getting to know them.  My re-spawn this time around is going to be obsess about life and flavors of food.  and to "Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly Plants." 

[Dagger]

On October 11, 2016 at 2:39 PM, Butternut said:

obsess about life and flavors of food

Sounds like a great focus.

 

It is far too easy to mostly live in our heads, isn't it? To let thoughts get in the way of being right here and now and enjoying that apple cider or chocolate cake or lasagna or steak or paleo pancakes.

[Butternut]

On ‎10‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 0:45 PM, Dagger said:

 

It is far too easy to mostly live in our heads, isn't it? To let thoughts get in the way of being right here and now

And that is exactly what I mean.  My thoughts are always grabbing me. But so is my body image. I hold myself with this image I want other people to see me rather than reality. 

 

I find myself giving myself rules then finding ways to break them and ways to accept breaking them.

 

I'm at a place of my life of wanting to just trust myself.

 

Today I made myself a Breve with caramel and white chocolate.  I found myself only drinking half of it.  So sweet.  So not worth the space of my gut. My health.

 

I want to stop drinking, eating, consuming so many sweets and wheat.  But once I tell myself that I'm going to start working on it, I tell myself "well I'll start, but I will have _____ (fill in the blank) before I start"

 

I want to just trust myself.  Be myself.

 

I want a flat stomach, a high energy, and peace of mind.  But I understand that rules are stopping me from just living.

 

Culture in our time is worry, shame, and constant un-happiness.  I want to go against this.  Worry free, care free, and slim.  I don't need rules.  I need trust.

[Dagger]

13 hours ago, Butternut said:

I don't need rules.  I need trust.

This a 100%. (I wrote 1000%, perhaps that is more accurate.  )

 

What I'm noticing with myself is the less I recriminate different choices the easier it is to choose better, whatever better means in that moment.

 

I wish I could just purge sugar out of my life, or at least most sugar, and that I could try going without grain for a while to see how my body feels from that. But that is a dream. It isn't my reality and won't be for a long time if ever.

 

I'm working on being fine with that. I'm working on not making excuses when I choose to have a sugar treat. Instead I want to truly enjoy it guilt free.

 

The less guilt I place on sweets, the less I eat them... kind of. I stop eating the ones I ate just for the sugar. I now mostly eat the ones I throughly enjoy. Because I'm eating both live and enjoy. Enjoy being the key.

 

Embracing yourself. Fiercely loving yourself. That is what I'm working on ever since camp. Maddie Berky was the headmaster (camp teacher) that suggested this.

 

She suggested turning your toes towards fiercely loving yourself. Figuring out what that means. And just like any loving relationship, it won't always be smooth. Sometimes you'll be angry at your body. Sometimes disappointed. And then she said: that is okay. It is okay to be. And it is okay to still love your body even if it doesn't always make you happy.

 

Mind blown. That was basically what she did to me.

 

I'll have a sweet. I'll skip a sweet. And neither feels like an especially special decision. Right now, I have a pile of darker milk chocolate (55%) beside me and I have had it there for a couple of hours. I really love that chocolate, but I don't feel a need to eat it. So I will if and when I want. This would have been unthinkable just a few months ago.

[Butternut]

On ‎10‎/‎16‎/‎2016 at 9:53 AM, Dagger said:

 

 

The less guilt I place on sweets, the less I eat them... kind of. I stop eating the ones I ate just for the sugar. I now mostly eat the ones I throughly enjoy. Because I'm eating both live and enjoy. Enjoy being the key.

 

Embracing yourself. Fiercely loving yourself. That is what I'm working on ever since camp. Maddie Berky was the headmaster (camp teacher) that suggested this.

 

She suggested turning your toes towards fiercely loving yourself. Figuring out what that means. And just like any loving relationship, it won't always be smooth. Sometimes you'll be angry at your body. Sometimes disappointed. And then she said: that is okay. It is okay to be. And it is okay to still love your body even if it doesn't always make you happy.

 

Mind blown. That was basically what she did to me.

 

I'll have a sweet. I'll skip a sweet. And neither feels like an especially special decision. Right now, I have a pile of darker milk chocolate (55%) beside me and I have had it there for a couple of hours. I really love that chocolate, but I don't feel a need to eat it. So I will if and when I want. This would have been unthinkable just a few months ago.

 

Guilt I think just adds on to the fat. Then shame creeps in. 

 

Loving oneself, I love how that Maddie put it. Embrace it.

 

I love in those moments of life where something grabs your attention. Even though you have heard the meaning before, the saying before, but then someone says it a little different that grabs your attention and veers your life into a new direction.

 

Listened to one of my favorite Podcasts with Mary O'Malley.  And she talks a lot of being curious.  Be curious of your feelings.  Be curious of how your feeling and why. 

 

The other day I just told myself No sugar today, no dairy. Just for a day. I can do that. right?  While I was at work I watched my feelings & my impulses.  In my mind I was this person watching a child.  I normally find myself fighting the feeling of wanting some honey in my coffee, cream in my tea. Instead I just accepted those feelings.  I embraced the feelings of want and became curious, why am I feeling this urge to shove sugar in my mouth? 

 

I decided while watching my roller coaster habits, I'm going to do the Whole30 in January.  Doing it for 25 days in April showed me what it feels to have true and real energy.  It showed me that I did have control.  It also showed me how people always want to sabotage your diet, especially your mind.   I want that control again and to be honest, really find the culprit to what is making me feel the worse.   

 

My Re-spawn is always happening. And I am ok with that.

[Dagger]

26 minutes ago, Butternut said:

My Re-spawn is always happening. And I am ok with that.

<3 Here too, and me too.

[Butternut]

Here I am... re spawning. 

 

I'm giving myself a clean slate. I can go on about what I have done in the last two weeks. Wanting to just give in, give up. My time is spent with kids, job one, then job two. Finding time to workout is stressful. 

 

What im finding is my excuses are getting more and more. I'm choosing the wrong foods which are making me lazier. Being lazier finding "less time" to lift, ride bike or even do a few burpees. 

 

This rut is only going to increase if I keep feeding it. My clean slate starts today. Find time, MAKE time. More importantly ingest the right energy. The energy that'll get me to the end of the day. Focus on today. Not tomorrow but today. 

 

Re-spawning can be hard bit I must shift my mindset.