You can't take the sky from me...

[Akura]

Hey guys, this battle log will focus on one thing: Keeping on. That's why it's named after Firefly. For those who haven't seen it SHAME ON YOU the final dialogue of the first episode:

 

Simon: "Are you always this sentimental?"

Mal: "Had a good day."

Simon: "You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages. Half the people on this ship had been shot or wounded, including yourself. And you're harbouring known fugitives."

Mal: "I'm still flying."

Simon "That's not much."

Mal: "That's enough."

 

Everything I do is trying to keep on and not let life beat me down. Now, to make this a sensible starting post, I'll tell you a bit bout who I am and what I want to use this battle log for.

 

I'm a 29 years old PHD student from Munich. My thesis is about handwriting recognition. And in the project I'm working for we program and develop an interactive school book about fraction calculus for iPads. You will probably read a lot about that here.

My hobbies are... well... many! I love to draw---mainly pencil and ink drawings, often in manga style. I'm playing Go (an Asian board game) semi-seriously. I learned to play the guitar as a teenager, but I was too lazy to get good. But I re-started a couple of months ago and most of the days I play a bit for a couple of minutes every day. Apart from that, many more things like ballroom dancing, music (heavy metal, rock), movies, reading (crime and fantasy), cooking, video games (JRPGs), billard (pool), etc.

My main problem with most of my hobbies is my urge of perfectionism. If I can't do something right, I won't do it at all. For example, I want to draw a comic I wrote, but I'm still not a good and fast enough graphic artist. So I would need to train a bit. But I can't sit down a draw something random, because I can't be creative on command.

I try to resolve these problems my getting into the Firefly mindset. (Yes, that's a fixed, scientific term for me.) Also, I try to follow the principle Fail Faster, which I know mainly from the video game development. Thinking about how to get something done is useless. Trying it and evaluating the result will elad to faster and better results. For us Rebels here on NF this is, obviously, known as Collecting Underpants: Doing something and, maybe, failing is more important than creating the perfect plan beforehand.

 

A word on my health journey: I did Judo as a child, but I was too lazy to jump in with both feet. In my teenage years I did not move and I ate a bar of chocolate and a pack of cookies every single day. About two years ago I was finally sick enough of myself and started to think about health more seriously. I had the luck to discover the youtube channel of Elliott Hulse. He promotes walking and drinking lots of water as a start into fitness. As you all know, that was the correct thing to do. I cleaned up my diet, experimented successfully with intermittent fasting and lost weight pretty fast.

Last year in September, however, I slipped a disk and was immobilised for days/weeks. I'm going to physical therapy session, but that will end in a couple of weeks. My back still makes some problems, but I'm feeling much better. This is also one thing I will write about a lot.

I started to go to the gym again three weeks ago, but due to a head cold, I wnet there only once. I do a lot of bodyweight exercises at home, mostly for my back, and I love to walk, run and swim.

 

Another major part of my life are panic attacks. After I slipped a disk, I started to have palpitations and chest pains. They were so bad, that I needed an ambulance a couple of times. After running to a cardiologist for weeks, it became clear that it's a psychological  problem.

I'm seeing a therapist for about a year now. Two weeks ago we started to have two appointments a week instead of one. I do make progress, but I can't really formulate how. At least, I have fewer panic attacks.

 

So, are you still here? Good! Then my plan for this battle log: In my last challenge I realised how much I love to write here, share my experiences and track my food. But in the current challenge I all became too overwhelming. I decided to tranfer all random thoughts to a battle log. In short, here I will track everything qualitatively. In the next challenge threads, I will track quantitatively.

Also, I will use this battle log as a diary, a blog and and a place for random philosophical thoughts. As often as possible I will post pictures of my food. But can look at them anytime in my Instagram profile. Especially in the next weeks I will try to focus more on what I eat and less about how much.

 

There are some habits I want to fortify and therefore I will talk about them hopefully daily:

• Taking pictures of my food.
• Meditating 10 minutes every day (currently via Headspace).
• Doing my back training as often as possible.
• Do the Daily Dare over at Darebee.
• Do something fun every day.

 

I probably forgot half of the things I wanted write in the start post. But I will talk about them in the subsequent posts. To end this:

 

 

[annyshay]

OMG FIREFLY THEME!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

*clears throat* Eh-hem. Sorry. I'm here and excited to keep flying with you.

[Myrik]

Wow I learned a lot in that post.  Knowing your background makes watching your progress even more enjoyable.  Will most definitely be following this thread.  Hope you evening is going well.

[Akura]

5 hours ago, annyshay said:

I'm here and excited to keep flying with you.

 

1 hour ago, Myrik said:

Will most definitely be following this thread. 

 

Welcome on board!

 

So, what can I say about today? Let's start with something good.

On the seminar I've been at for the last three days I ate very little. Mainly because they offered few vegetables and lots of potatoes and pasta. That resulted in my weight being 85.6 kg this morning. As 85 kg was my goal for the last 18 months, I deleted it from my master quest list. My weight will probably go up a bit again now that I'm back to my usual eating patterns. And I should aim to loose a couple of pounds more. But for the moment I'm at a point where I'm more or less satisfied with my weight. In particular, I fit into an Assassin's Creed-style Zelda hoddie I bought last year. So let's say: Achievement unlocked!

 

Moreover, I'm almost in the mindset of focusing more on building muscle than loosing weight. Today, however, I wanted to go to the gym, but didn't. I was a bit stressed in the morning: after coming home from the grocery store I practically inhaled my breakfast and wanted to get ready. But this was apparently to much for my stomach and it revolted. In the spirit of keep on flying I re-planed to back training and going for a run in the afternoon. But then I was too lazy...

Tomorrow morning I will go swimming with a friend. Hopefully this reignites my motivation to exercise. I plan to do some back exercises in the afternoon and my Football Watching Workout at night. (Brady vs. the poor, little Browns. Yay!)  For those who haven't read my last challenge thread, this workout consists of certain exercises, which has to be done when something happens on the football field. In detail:

• 1st down: 5 jumping squats.
• Touchdown: 5 inverted rows.
• Field goal: 5 dips.
• Turnover: 20 seconds plank.
• Personal foul: 15 jumping jacks.

The purpose of this is not to work out, but to get my ass off the couch. It's more about movement than exercise. All in the spirit of Katy Bowman's work.

 

And now some randomness...

• After I started this battle log, it became clear that I want to learn Balad of Serenity on my guitar. I practiced that a lot and order a capo tasto from Amazon to play it properly.
• On Staci's (a.k.a. Spezzy's) instagram I read "There is no before and after. There is only before and right now." I really love that!
• There's the blu-ray of Grave of the Fireflies next to my TV. But as everyone tells me that it's a very depressing movie, I want to wait until i'm in a good mood. And even though I'm in an okay mood pretty often, I am, apparently, not in a good mood for weeks.

 

 

[Akura]

Rather quick today, because I want to watch Tom Brady curb stomping the Browns.

 

Today I did what I wanted to. I went swimming and I scheduled more swimming session with my friend. I did my back training, too, and even some more exercises that I planned to. I played guitar and did my daily Inktober drawing. Overall I feel pretty good. But I'm quite anxious about going to work tomorrow. Probably because I have to organise some things for the lecture starting in one week. And I have to talk to someone from the administration.

 

Thanks to a photo by Michelle Tam in her Nom Nom Paleo instagram feed, I had this nice breakfast today:

 

 

It's salad with fried ham, fried eggs and avocado. I had this right after swimming for two hours and it was fantastic.

[Akura]

The last days had been quite intense. Mostly because I had incredibly many things to do at work. One negative highlight: On Thursday I will supervise an exam. And today I realized that one of the questions I crated is not solvable. But the stress itself is not the real problem.

 

Yesterday I finally watched The Grave of the Fireflies. It was quite okay, but close to the end I had a massive panic attack. I freaked out about imagining dying and the big, black nothing following  it. Surpisingly, I did sleep rather well afterwards.

But then this morning my psychotherapist had to cancel our appointment, because she's sick. That made me ver sad, in particular, as I have to wait until next Tuesday to see her again. She helps me alot and just talking to her makes me feel safe.

Finally, this afternoon Bernd Sturmfels held a talk at our university. If you don't know him, he's one of the most famous and greatest geometers (or geometrists?) of today. And the topics he's working on right now intersect alot with my PHD thesis. So, I hoped to discuss some things with him after the talk. But the stress of the last days, a weird sense of ketting sick again and my usual social anxiety forced me to basically flee the building after the talk. Sturmfels is a good friend of my advisor and of other people at our faculty. So I'll most likely meet him again. But it still bothers me.

 

What can I say about fitness and diet? Well, since my head cold two weeks ago I can't focus on my diet anymore. I ate some cookies and chocolate as comfort food and I don't have a problem with that. All in accordance with Steve's rule of not having cheat days. But with that, sweets and pastries crept back into my routine. Especially at work it's incredibly easy to buy a croissant or a muffin at our bistro. That really annoys me, especially I'm so close to my mid-term goal of 85 kg.

And it was the second day in a row with three cups of coffee. That's okay, but I want to keep it at two cups max.

Workout-wise I feel terrible, but it's actually not so bad. Yesterday I wanted to go to the gym. But first I had so much to do at work. Second, I had to buy a loading ramp at a hardware store. We redistribute the iPads for our school book test to different schools on Thursday and need the ramp to load the media carts (Is that the right word?) into our van. Long story short, I had to carry the 60 pounds ramp through the city. This definitely counts as a workout! And it's basically my first proper strength training. Unfortunately, it was not so easy for my anxiety issues: I was worried the whole time that I will hurt my back again. (I slipped a disk some days after I helped my neighbours moving in.)

Tomorrow I plan, again, to go to the gym. But I'm afraid I will have to work late again. Especially as I might sleep a bit longer. In itself that doesn't stress me too much, because I will just go for a 3o minute run instead of the 2.5 hours at the gym. But I really hate myself for not being able to schedule my gym workouts.

Apart from that, I had a little revelation. During my time home with the head cold I did not work out. And my back felt great. Afterwards, when I started exercising again, it felt like I made progress more easily. And right after my workouts my back hurt a bit, but the pains vanished after a day or two. In the last months, when I did my back training about five times a week, I had more back pains more often. So, even when I do only "low-intense" exercises, I should definitely have more rest days. The daily movement in itself felt grrwat, only the intensity was too high (although not really high in absolute values). So, when I have have a little bit of time, I will create new programs for my home workouts. One with only mobilisation exercises and stretches which I can do daily. And one with "proper" bodyweight exercises, which I do one or twice a week (depending on how often I hit the gym). That's also a good moment to look into the dozens of workout plans at Darebee.

 

Wow, that was much more than I thought I would write. There are some odd thoughts left in my brain. But I'll keep them for another time. As a finish, my weird supper from yesterday: Fried carrot noodles with bell peppers and tomatoes PLUS soused herring salad.

 

 

As always: All spelling mistakes you find you can keep.

[Captain Tight Pants]

I wanted to say "Hi" because we both have titles from Firefly and it made me laugh. Then I read your posts and you mentioned Tom Brady. I live in Boston. Love Brady and my Pats.

So, now I'm following you lol

[Akura]

Welcome @Captain Tight Pants, Sir! What's your favorite episode of Firefly?

 

---

 

Today I wanted to go to the gym. At work I finished all my concrete and urgent tasks around noon. So I decided to leave early, hit the gym and work a bit more in the evening. Well... it didn't turn out that way. I was too afraid to go to the gym. Mostly because of some irrational fear of getting sick or hurt and not being able to supervise the exam tomorrow. Coupled with my usual anxiety, that kinda petrified me. So I stayed home.

BUT! I created a new plan for a home workout based on the Darebee Assassin's Workout. But I have to let it be checked by my fellow assassins here. And I gave it a try Unfortunately, the climbers I did caused some back pain.

 

 

I hope it's just the unfamiliar movement...

Diet-wise I did good today. All clean food, no sweets. And I identified a trigger causing me to drink excessive coffee. (Again 3 cups today...) I try to do frequent breaks at work and walk a bit. And, well, what's easier than a walk to the coffee machine?

 

Another achievement: I got my capo tasto today. Now I can play Balad of Serenity properly on my guitar! Well, I have yet to learn the solo in the middle and combining sining and playing the guitar is kinda tricky. But, nevertheless...

 

So, see you tomorrow, Space Cowboy. (Wait, that was the wrong reference, wasn't it?)

[Captain Tight Pants]

18 hours ago, Akura said:

Welcome @Captain Tight Pants, Sir! What's your favorite episode of Firefly?

 Thank you.

That is such a difficult question. Probably Out of Gas, but my mood will change and my opinion will follow suit. How about yours? 

[Captain Tight Pants]

18 hours ago, Akura said:

Another achievement: I got my capo tasto today. Now I can play Balad of Serenity properly on my guitar! Well, I have yet to learn the solo in the middle and combining sining and playing the guitar is kinda tricky. But, nevertheless...

I want to hear when you get it to your liking. If you want to share that is.

[Akura]

20 hours ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

How about yours? 

 

Well, there is only one episode that I don't love. And that's Bushwacked. Apart from that it's hard to compare them, because every episode feels so singular. But my all-time favorite is War Stories. Probably because of all the memorable quotes.

 

 

20 hours ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

I want to hear when you get it to your liking. If you want to share that is.

 

This is a nice idea. In fact: it's a fantastic idea! That would be nice short-/mid-term project. I only have to figure out how to record properly.

[Akura]

The last two days had been... strange.

 

Yesterday ! graded 20 exams. Not really many, but still sitting for about four hours was still pretty uncomfortable. And I drank 3.5 cups of coffee. That's really bothering me.

When I got home I wanted to go for a run, but I was too tired. So I decided on a 20 minutes walk and it felt really great.

Then I planned a relaxing evening. I bought two bottles of bear, ordered a pizza at my favorite organic restaurant and I watched Any Given Sunday. And, man, I love that movie! I don't know what it is, but Football is so facinating for me!! Anyway... Somehow the exhaustion of the day and the alcohol made me feel very weird. I was having so many awkward thoughts and my perception of Any Given Sunday was very weird. There was a scene !BEGIN SPOILER! in which a defensive end lost an eye. It popped right out of his head. !END SPOILER! And I can't say whether I halucinated it or not. And then I even started to write my ex-girlfriend. I also wrote my best friend about it and he said it was a good idea, even though he wasn't too fond of her. Again, it felt like I imagined it.

 

And even though I drank some wine afterwards, I had absolutely no hang-over today. I felt great all day---except for the excessive coffee again.

I went to the gym after work. It was the first time after my head cold two weeks ago and it went very well. I only did two sets of each exercise instead of the planned three or four. But at the moment I care more about the habit itself than any particular progress.

When I got home from the gym I desperately wanted to stuff my face with potato chips. But I had the willpower to not buy any.

Just now I had dinner. I made a stir-fry inspired by a recipe from Nom Nom Paleo. It was the first time in my life eating pak choi!

 

[annyshay]

On 10/14/2016 at 4:56 AM, Akura said:

 

Well, there is only one episode that I don't love. And that's Bushwacked. Apart from that it's hard to compare them, because every episode feels so singular. But my all-time favorite is War Stories. Probably because of all the memorable quotes.

 

 

 

This is a nice idea. In fact: it's a fantastic idea! That would be nice short-/mid-term project. I only have to figure out how to record properly.

^^^^ All of this.

 

Not gonna lie though... I always rewatch this episode:

[Captain Tight Pants]

Sounds eventful. I've had times where alcohol effected me like that, but it was a lot more that 2 bottles. I've never seen that movie. Poppable eyes? I might have to check this out.

 

You are making really good choices and adapting to obstacles well. I'm impressed. Keep it up.

 

War Stories is definitely some good quotege. 

[Akura]

Yesterday was a fantastic day. I went running for the first time after my head cold. It was a sunny morning, I was wearing shorts and it was a wonderful experience. I have to put more focus on running again.

New guitar strings arrived with the mail and I were able to focus on Ballad of Serenity. I have to work on my rhythm, but the next goal for now is the violin solo. Also, I started to read Eyeshield 21 again. (Highly recommended to all American Football fans!)

Even though all that wasn't particularly special, all in all it was a very pleasant day.

 

Today was mixed. In the morning a friend came to my place and wanted to help me change the tyres on my car. I'm more than confident that I can do it myself again. But I don't want to risk anything with my back. But one tyre is rusted-in or something and we couldn't get it down. So, we stopped and I'll go to my garage and let them do it. The problem with this, that I hate myself for not being able to do it. Call it masculine arrogance or whatever. But even though I'm not very good at handicraft I want to fix things in my home myself.

Afterwards we went to the pool for our weekly swimming session. In itself it was very good. But the cold water made my back muscles get tight and hurt.

Right now I'm sitting on my couch with a hot water bottle in my back. I desperately want to go to the gym tomorrow morning before work. (On Monday I'm in a different office and it's in the same building as my gym.) So, I'm not even doing my Football Watching Workout -- I just want to relax hoping my back feels better tomorrow. It's not really pain and, in particular, not the nasty, stingy pain I associate with my slipped disk. It's more muscle tightness. But it's still bothering me. And anything is "good enough" to trigger one of my anxiety attacks.

 

Also, I really wanted to play some video games (Xenoblade Chronicles X, Dark Souls) this weekend. Maybe just for an hour. But somehow I didn't had time...

 

Food-wise I'm experimenting a lot. I want to bring my own lunch to work more often, especially if I really go to the gym before work. But the problem is that I have a relatively small fridge and no freezer. So, storing prepared food is tricky. I have to make my luch the day I need it or, at best, the evening before. So I asked the gyus in the Facebook group and they had some ideas. Here are some of my experiments: Porridge with fruit (first time I made/ate that in my life) and avocado-cucumber salad. And I tried hot sauce as flavouring.

 

    

 

And today I made my favorite chili again. Apart from (lots of) beef it contains carrots, maize, bell pepper and mozzarella.

 

[Captain Tight Pants]

I know ho hard a lack of fridge can make healthy eating. I live in a 3 bedroom house that was turned into a 4 bedroom house that houses 5 people and for over a year we all shared 1 fridge. I pretty much lived on takeout. Not good for health or budget. I hope you're able to find a way to make it work. I had to keep asking my landlady for a second fridge. And then had to fix a year of bad habits.

 

Also, that chili looks so good. I just ate breakfast to my fill and now I'm hungry again just looking at that.

[Akura]

1 hour ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

Also, that chili looks so good. I just ate breakfast to my fill and now I'm hungry again just looking at that.

 

It's always a pleasure for me to make people hungry.

 

---

 

Of course I wussed out on the morning workout today. After waking up (and getting up) my back felt okay. But I was too worried to hit the gym. At work I really hated myself and consequently drank way too much coffee. At least I got some work done. Not, you now, volume-wise. Because doing a PHD is about the small steps! But I wrote about two pages for my dissertation. (And I realised that the new stuff made the previous two pages obsolete. But we don't talk about that.)

 

After work I did my home workout. I'm not satisified with it yet. It is based on Darebee's Assassin's Workout, but I changed some exercises to fit my overall goals. Also, it's a circuit training which I'm not used to. So, some tuning is yet to be done.

Afterwards I wanted to go for a run. But then I got stuck on Staci's meal prep video. I realised how much I would love a large fride, a freezer, a dishwasher and an instant cooker. So, I started to search for a bigger apartment. I do this once in a while, but today I really felt a deep longing for it. My PHD should be finished in one and a half years and my current apartment has an almost perfect location. So, moving now is not the most reasonable idea...

 

Now I will sit down with a beer and a bag of potato chips and watch another football movie: Draft Day. Before that I will do my daily Inktober drawing. It will feature Sena Kobayakawa from Eyeshield 21. Man! I'm enjoying American Football way too much at the moment. Maybe my back problems trigger fantasies of what might have been...

Anyway. I realised I posted my Inktober pictures in the artists thread but not here. So I'll do that now. If you have forgotten or if I never mentioned it before, Inktober is a challenge for artists to create one ink drawing every day of October. I want to use this to rebuild the habit of drawing. Therefore, the focus lies on actually doing it and not on quality. I use a moleskin notebook and a brush pen. And for most of the picture I don't use references. Also, even though I don't rush myself, I try to draw fast. Again, this is to get it done.

 

    

 

You'll get the next batch on Sunday or so.

 

All in all, this day was... I don't know... two steps forward, two steps back? Something like that...

[Captain Tight Pants]

Staci's video got me, too. I have no money and all I want to do is run out and buy all that kitchen equipment. I have pretty much my own full sized fridge, but it's hard to have nice equipment. My roommates are very disrespectful of property in the common areas. And one cooks with anlot of grease. Everything in the kitchen gets covered in it. I try to keep as much as I can in my room. But that makes cooking more difficult and I'm running out of space. But I want nice things!

 

A friend of mine is also doing Inktober stuff. I have no idea what it is, except an art thing lol I like your work. Any interest in selling those Firefly ones? 

[Akura]

2 hours ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

And one cooks with anlot of grease. Everything in the kitchen gets covered in it.

 

I know that problem. I live in a singe-room apartment. Whenever I cook, all my stuff gets slowly covered in fat.

 

 

2 hours ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

Any interest in selling those Firefly ones?

 

*ha ha* Well, the pages are stuck in my notebook. So, no. But should I ever come to... err... wherever you live, I'll make a Firefly drawing just for you.

 

---

 

Today I saw my psychotherapist again. Usually we meet on Tuesday and Thursday. But last week she was sick on Tuesday and I had the exam in Thursday. Therefore, I was way too hectic, too nervous and too excited to tell her everthing that happend in the last week. So we didn't really talk about anything essential. She had an interesting thought concerning my problems with meditating, however.

I'm still using Headspace, but I have major problems focussing. She said that, in her opinion, I'm not the type to sit still. In combination with my back problems and my efforts to increase my daily movement spectrum, she believes that Tai Chi would be very beneficial for me. So, I'm looking into various Tai Chi schools here in Munich. It might be hard to incorporate lessons into my weekly schedule. But we'll see...

 

Throughout the day I felt sick in my head and my nose. Not too bad, but it's still annoying. And I'm really, really scared that I'll be ill again!! I want to be fit and I want to be able to go running even when the weather is suboptimal.

Moreover, I have to get up quite early tomorrow. The emphasis is on "have to": Getting up early when I know I can dwadle (is that the right word?) through my morning routine is no problem. But tomorrow I have to be at university at 8, which means I must get up at 6. Combined with feeling sick that freaks me out right now.

When I got home from the grocery store I turned up the radiator, took a hot shower and ate a large bowl of salad. That helped and I feel a bit better. And I'll try to go to bed around 9, which would give me about 9 hours of sleep. Still, I'm very anxious and panicky.

I'm praying that I'm fit tomorrow.

[Captain Tight Pants]

22 hours ago, Akura said:

I know that problem. I live in a singe-room apartment. Whenever I cook, all my stuff gets slowly covered in fat.

 

It happens. I just wish my roommate would clean up after herself. I'm no neat freak, but leaving crud all over is just rude.

22 hours ago, Akura said:

*ha ha* Well, the pages are stuck in my notebook. So, no. But should I ever come to... err... wherever you live, I'll make a Firefly drawing just for you.

 

I'll hold you to that. I'm in Boston, BTW. I'll also let you know should I ever make my way to Deutschland. My dad went there a couple years ago and fell in love. He's been back several times since.

22 hours ago, Akura said:

In combination with my back problems and my efforts to increase my daily movement spectrum, she believes that Tai Chi would be very beneficial for me.

I never thought about that. She may be on to something. I have trouble sitting still for long, as well.

22 hours ago, Akura said:

dwadle (is that the right word?)

Dawdle, almost there.

 

I hope you're feeling better and the sick didn't take hold. Good luck!

[Akura]

1 hour ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

I'm in Boston, BTW

 

Ah, yes... Boston... Patriots... right. Stupid brain is stupid.

 

 

1 hour ago, Captain Tight Pants said:

I hope you're feeling better and the sick didn't take hold. Good luck!

 

In the morning I still felt a bit strange, but it got better. I'm not feeling great, so I didn't go to the gym as planned. Today I'll go to bed early again and tomorrow I'll be super fit!

[Akura]

I'm so sick of everything right now...

 

On Thursday I was really tired as I didn't sleep very well the night before. I had physical therapy in the morning which was okay. My last session will be on October 31 and I'm still not sure what to do afterwards. I won't get any new prescriptions from my orthopaedist, so, I think I'll pay for a therapy seesion once a month myself. Unfortunately, my therapist will quit and I have to find a new one. That is quite sad, because she is really fantastic at her job. (And, no matter where, I love professionals.)

Afterwards I had psychotherapy. (In between I was in a café hating myself for forgetting my laptop and not being able to work.)  We talked mainly about my ex-girlfriend. No, this is a long, complicated story. Do you want to hear it? Well, short story, I still kinda wait for her to come back to me. The discussion with my therapist was rather hard, mainly because I was sooooo tired.

At university I didn't work a lot. Mainly because I always meet some friends to play Go. So, with the psychotherapy and the Go meeting, Thursday is usually a no-work day. And this particular Thursday I watched the Nintendo Switch trailer of course and read some reactions on the internet.

At least, I found out how to shorten a proof I'm working on for my dissertation. I could have found out on Monday or Tuesday, but I'm a slow thinker.

 

Friday was a shitty day. I slept a bit longer, because Thursday was so exhausting. At work I couldn't really concentrate. I managed to some organisatory work---in particular I asked my boss for a couple of days off next week. Apart from that I was unable to do anything productive and I mostly watched Switch discussion video.

I planned to go to the gym after work, as Friday is a good day for that. But for the last days I didn't feel so good. As mentioned in my last posts I felt sick during the last days. And since Wednesday I have a sore throught. So, I was in no particular mood to work out. I don't want to overdo my workouts, but, at the same time, I don't want to chicken out too often. So, I called my best friend and asked him for advice. (He's a judoka and also a judo trainer and knows a lot about working out.) He said that sweating a little bit even when feeling not 100% is never bad. As a result, I didn't go to the gym, but I did my Assassin's Workout at home and went for a run afterwards. I dressed in shorts and a sweater which was a bit too light. (Is that the right expression? "Dressing too light"?) But I did feel good enough and had no problems, helath-wise, today.

The main problem now is the following: While I was running I used my Garmin fitness tracker to keep my heart rate below 150. This is due to the philosophy of Mark Sisson, which he promotes in Primal Endurance: Keeping your heart rate elevated, but relatively low will increase your overall stamina without straining your body. I really love this approach and am sticking to it for several weeks. But yesterday my heart rate jumped upwards after only a few seconds of running. So, I was mostly walking during the 23 minutes. In itself, I love walking. But I wanted to run, but somehow my body didn't. Maybe because I was working out at home right before that. I dom't know.

 

Anyhow. This triggered an incredibly huge wave of self-hate. I realised I don't want live like that anymore. Right now, I can't see any progress I made. Even though I achieved so much in the last 18 months, I can only focus on how much away I am from the person I want to be.

I can do a pull-up (something I was never able to do to), but all I can think about is that my back still isn't healed and that I wouldn't be able to move my furniture should I decide to move to another apartment.

I lost 25 kg (= 55 lbs.) and fit into old clothes, but all I can think about is that, when I look down at body, I still see the same huge potbelly and man boobs I saw two years ago.

By now I have the stamina to have sex for over an hour, but all I can think about is that I can't pick up a woman and carry her to the bed.

 

No matter what it is about, I can only focus on the negative and I really, really hate myself.

 

Today we an open day at our university and I talked for hours about video feedback loops and fractals. It was quite fun, but really tiring! Unfortunately, I didn't have enough to go to the grocery store afterwards. So, no breakfast for Monday and, in particular, no possible pre- or post-workout. (FYI: in Germany, all stores are closed on Sunday. Is that the same where you live?) So I won't be able to go to the gym on Monday morning as I planned to. I will try to go in the afternoon after I went to the grocery store. But, again, I'm agitated by not being able to go when I planned.

 

Food-wise, I ate so many burgers, sandwiches, pastries, cakes, chocolates and other shitty food. Still, my weight fluctuates between 85 kg and 87 kg. So, that's okay, but I have to clean up my diet nevertheless.

 

And the unsurmountable wall in front of me is: will I do anything in the next 4-week challenge? If yes, what will it be?

 

Again, I probably made dozens of mistakes writing this. If I find any in the future, I will correct them.

 

Edit 1: If something doesn't make any sense at all, that's because I just drank half a bottle of wine.

 

Edit 2: For the sake of completeness: I didn't meditate for three days after a 60-day streak. And I didn't manage to keep up with my Inktober drawings.

[Akura]

I'm feeling a little bit better. Swimming felt very good today. And I put up a new challenge thread.

[Akura]

The last week was strange and tiring. I won't write everything here---but I plan to write more often again.

 

I did not sleep well in the last one or two weeks. And on Tuesday I did not sleep at all. Wednesday was okay, though.

 

Yesterday I had to bring my car to the garage because of some strange dragging sound. It turned out that the power steering AND the cooling liquid pipe are leaking. I wanted to visit my Mum this afternoon, so this is now impossible. But so I have a free weekend. I hope to be super productive in some way or another. At least, I want to play Dark Souls and/or Xenoblade Chronicles X for a couple of hours.

In particular, I wanted to go to the gym today and on Sunday. By I have cold sores on my lip---which is a clear sign of a weakened immune system. So, in the spirit of my current challenge, I will take some long walk and don't push myself to hard.

 

And I reached a major milestone: After losing 26 kg in the last 18 months, I finally sorted through my old clothes and sorted the non-fitting ones out. In two weeks I will go shopping with my best friend's wife to get some new and fitting stuff.

 

 

 

Addendum: I can, more or less, play Ballad of Serenity. At least, the chords are solid and I know solo by heart. But I still have to stich everything together.

The main problem at the moment is the last verse---in which the chords are different and a bit strange---and the general strum pattern. When I play it it sound a bit too cheerful and too... well... smooth? The original is, rhythm-wise, quite dynamic. And I can only play it "properly".

But I make daily improvements. And a friend of mine is a professional pianist and maybe I'll ask him for help identifying my errors.

Aaaaaand I have yet to find a good and cheap way to record myself.

[fastergrace]

Its the best feeling to buy new clothes when you've lost some weight - I feel like that's when the changes in your body really hit home. Congrats!!!