Reintroduction; its all different

[GLaDOS]

I'm reintroducing because i'm returning to Nerd Fitness. I wrote my last intro...3 years ago. In that time I dropped 20 lbs, joined a gym, was getting a handle on things....

 

I took on a one year stressful project at work. I gained weight but thought that once the project was done, i'd be able to return to sane days and reasonable sleep and meals. I finished the project successfully and....

 

Then my spouse's health took a huge decline. He was in the hospital weekly, often for the entire week. One day appointments became two week stays. Everything he did around the house, I took over (along with my full time job and parenting twins).  He started sleeping all day. I took on more. Then the doctors let us know that there was nothing more they could do for him. He was put on hospice and gave up the right to drive due to his medications. Now I do all the driving, the grocery shopping, dropping off and picking up kids, a 50 hour work week, all the house chores, cleaning up after him (with the blood and the vomit and all the things that come along with a dying man).....and in about 6 months or less, i'm going to be a widow. 

 

I eat when stressed. 

I've been eating a lot. 

I make attempts at getting my diet in order to no avail. Often its easier to just make something the kids will eat (bread, mac and cheese) and just eat their leftovers instead of making different meals. i don't have the energy to do multiple meals. Some days we all eat cheese and crackers and an apple and call it a night. When I'm stressed, i reach for the chocolate or the crackers. When I'm tired, I reach for whatever is easiest. I'm always tired, either through grief or through staying up late to finish dishes, pay bills, or take care of a work related emergency. 

 

I'm currently at 176. 

Some folks tell me "you can work on your health after he's gone" ..but I thought I could do it after my large project and there was another emergency after that. 

My small children are worried about losing me too. They are traumatized by what is happening with their father. 

 

So I need to find tiny goals. Workable goals. Reasonable goals that will accomplish something. anything at this point. 

 

[Elastigirl]

I'm so sorry for all your going through. First, you are doing a good job with what you are doing. You are mom, wife, caretaker, and employee. My advice for your small easy goal is some self care. When you feel stressed, choose one thing you can do first before you grab the chocolate. Write your feelings in a journal for 5 minutes, do 5 minutes of stretching or go for a walk for 5 minutes. Choose one small thing that will give you a mini-break. For now, even if after that  5 minutes you grab the chocolate, that's fine. 

 

Another step is to drink water. When  you first get up, drink a glass of water first thing.  If you are drinking pop, one time choose water over pop. Do stuff that doesn't take lots of willpower, because right now you just don't have the reserves. 

[The Running Man]

I'm so sorry that life is so super tough for you right now - even one of those things is a big enough handful for one person. You are a super human for even just keeping on going and keeping the wheels turning for yourself, your kids and still being there for your dying husband too. I think it's amazing you're here again, reintroducing yourself and I really wish you and your family all the best. I hope you can find a small victory each day - although saying that, I think what you're already doing is some champion stuff: continuing to get up every day, continuing to work, continuing to pay the bills, feed the kids. There's always room for improvement in all our lives, sure, and we're here to try and make those be it big or small but kudos to you. I hope things go up from here.

[Guzzi]

   @GLaDOS I am so, so sorry to hear about your situation and your husbands health. I was widowed myself 3 years ago though my situation was very different, it was a car accident, and I have no idea how horrendous it must be to have to watch helplessly as a loved one fades away before your eyes.

 

I found NF a real source of support and a bit of an outlet, I used the Battle Log facility to write about what I was going through and about my husband, remembering the good times, the funny stories, the things he did that drove me nuts(!), everything. It let me say the things I just couldn't say in real life because as soon as I showed any emotion people would say "don't upset yourself" or try to change the subject, which was the worst thing they could do! You need to talk about your husband, to remember him, and of course you're going to be emotional(!) but that doesn't mean you don't want to talk about it!

 

Anyway, it helped me, you might find that it helps you. I don't know. 

 

I agree with you and Elastigirl about keeping any changes small, the last thing you need is to run yourself into the ground trying to do even more than what you're doing already, and sometimes even just a small change can make a big difference. Last challenge my goals were as simple as drinking more water, doing my physio and getting to bed by 10:30pm and what a difference it made! Just getting enough sleep was amazing. I think that with the amount of stress you're under that maybe trying to find some time for yourself, or even some time to get out and do something nice with your kids, would benefit you a lot.

 

Is there anyone who could provide  some respite to let you have some downtime? Sometimes there are people who would help but they "don't want to bother you" or just simply don't know what they can do to help. When I lost Peter I deliberately reached out to all of our friends and accepted every offer that was going. It let them feel that they were doing something and made sure that we didn't "drift apart" as so often happens. In some cases I have a stronger friendship now with some of Peters friends than I did when he was alive. 

 

I hope you stay with us, but even if you find that you don't have time to go online then don't feel bad or guilty or anything like that (it sounds silly but I know I feel bad when I drop off the radar for a while) and just come back whenever you feel up to it. 

 

Sending lots of internet-hugs your way xx