Victoriaoke

Well... the good news is, I know why I was getting so sick and passing out when I worked out! My resting heart rate without medication is between 140-200 bpm, and when I would exercise, it could easily go over 400 bpm with very little effort on my part. I am medicated now, but it's still going to be a long haul, and I have to take it easier than I have in the past. It's been 5 years since I have been on this forum with any regularity. In the last two years, I have been in 5 car accidents, had 4 surgeries, went from one medication daily to 13+ medications a day, and I've gained 50-lbs. Yikes. I am 5' 7.5" and 215-lbs. I have been in physical therapy for Bursitis in my hips, a dislocated sacrum, bulging disks and annular tears in my L4, L5, and L6 disks, dislocated ribs, soft tissue damage to my upper back, shoulders and neck, etc. It's been a rough couple of years for my body. I feel like I have taken one hit after another, and I'm barely holding on. I need to fix it. I need to get better. I need to start moving forward, onwards and upwards. Help me be brave; help me find the strength within myself to kick ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. I don't believe in myself; I don't really believe I can do this, and that is a big problem. I need to rebuild my confidence, rebuild my strength, balance and flexibility. It's possible. I can do it. I don't know how yet, but I can do this.

Hey! The show went really well. We sold out almost every performance and raised over $3,000 for RAINN and the local women's shelter. (!!!) So, even though it was a huge time investment, it was well worth it. I don't know why the photo didn't load, but to sum it up, I look really pale and... dull? I think that might be the word I'm looking for. My mom came to see the show and even she commented on it (do you have the flu? You look chalky!). I don't know, I just hope whatever it is, it gets better on it's own, because a doctor is out of the question at the moment.

Hey, guys. Yeah, this challenge... haha. Fail. I really need to work on my time management skills if I'm ever going to do all the things I want in life. But the show is amazing! Everyone is fantastic! We open in 4 days, and I couldn't be more excited. Today they posted some rehearsal photos, and I'm... not happy with what I saw I don't look or feel healthy, and that's a big problem. I can post my weight and measurements and clothing sizes all I want (160lbs, 38/30/42, 8/10) and tell myself that I'm really not that big, but those things don't account for the fact that I have a small frame (and more importantly, I don't feel well and am currently unable to do many things I want to). I just feel like I'm going around in circles. Every time I exercise I feel like I'm going to pass out (It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like; if I ever come up with a good metaphor I might actually find someone who knows what's going on. It's not typical workout wear-out or I haven't eaten/drank enough fatigue... it's almost like... dizzy, lightheaded, brain foggy, haven't slept in 48 hours and my blood is moving like molasses kind of fatigue). I really need to figure out what's not working, what's "broken," and fix it. Argh.

Hey! Not so great, but I'm holding on to the "turn negative thoughts into positive ones" goal like a life raft. LOL. I forgot what it's like to be so busy, plus the nature of the play has me going through all these emotional wash-ups because of my past... it's like every rehearsal is free therapy, no joke. But I think I'll come out a better, stronger person, even if I don't ever get around to doing my push-ups this time around.

Day One... well... "say no to sugar" will be easier once I get rid of my Christmas treats. I got this GIANT Twizzler (it's literally a couple feet long), and I nibbled on it for a while yesterday before my brain clicked on and I was like... I said no sugar! lol. I did some incline push-ups on our kitchen counters. I told myself to be awesome. So far, so good. ;-)

Thanks, guys! Hiraedd, I'm in an ensemble production of The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler for this year's International V-Day Campaign (to help raise awareness for various social issues). We are doing the show as a Greek Chorus instead of having specific roles. It's going to be awesome, and 100% of the proceeds are going to charity (specifically, our show is going to help the local women's shelter).

So, this 6 Week Challenge is going to be hard, because I'm in a play that will require me to drive 3 hours, 6 days a week during this time. Yikes. So, this challenge is going to be all about finding the time to do right by myself. GOAL ONE YOGA. I will do one of my hour long yoga DVDs at least 3 times a week. If I'm going to be sitting in a cramped car for 3 hours a day (and dancing in rehearsals), I'm going to need the stretching. DEX +3, STA +2 GOAL TWO JUST SAY "NO" TO NEGATIVITY. I have a bad habit of being really critical/hard on myself, especially when I'm busy/stressed out. So, when I become aware of these negative thoughts, I'm going to stop that train in it's tracks with positive reinforcement, keep an open heart and an open mind, and be kind to myself. I wouldn't treat anyone else like that, so why do it to myself? WIS +4 GOAL THREE NO EXTRA SUGAR! Being on the road a lot makes it so, so easy to grab a soda, candy bar, fru-fru coffee drink, etc. So, this goal is pretty "easy;" don't do it! Leave the junk for other people's trunks! lol. CON +3 GOAL FOUR DO A "REAL" PUSH UP. Okay, I'm finally succumbing. I'm going to work on getting to a real, honest-to-goodness, down on the floor push-up. I have the "INSANITY" program, but it's, like, 75% push-ups, and I end up doing a combo of wall push-ups and planking during those parts of the DVD. I want to finally "man up" and do the program as it's intended, and I need to be able to do many different kinds of push-ups in order to do that. So... I'm going to do the incline thing, work my way down to the floor. You know the drill. STR +3 OKAY! Good Luck, Everyone!

Thanks, GoodDoug. I will try that!

RESULTS!!! Challenge Thread Here GOAL ONE: SLEEP IS YOUR FRIEND CON +2 , STA +2 I'm giving myself a C for this one. I wish I could give myself an A for effort, but I was pretty specific. This goal was HARD. Con +1, Sta +1 GOAL TWO: FOOD IS FUEL CON +2, STA +1 This goal went the way of the good ship Fail Boat. F. Apparently asking myself to eat *two* pre-family dinner meals a day is still too much. Have any of you played WoW? (I promise this analogy will get relevant) I remember back when it first came out, I was playing a Human Rogue (back when it was still fun and before I realized The Horde was where it's at), I was just strolling along the road near Dusktown (or darktown or duskhaven or something, I'm getting all my rpg towns confused) when, out of nowhere, I was dead. I was in chat with a friend, and it went something like this: Me: WTF just happened? Friend: Where are you? Me: Just outside that creepy ghost town. Friend: Oh, yeah, a high level elite Harvester/Abomination walks that road. Me: Why would they put that thing next to a low level area? Friend: that's a good question... life, I guess? You need a bodyguard? Me: I can handle myself! I'll just... walk roads in *stealth* from now on. Friend: I'm pretty sure with a big enough level difference, the monsters can see through stealth. Me: damn it. *dies again* Anyway, this food thing, it's like... my high level elite monster cruising through the noob area. I don't know what it is about my body, my brain, but for as long as I can remember... the best way to describe it, my "comfort food" is not eating. I struggle to remember a time when I wasn't this way. When I was a kid, and I couldn't control anything, "not eating" became a thing for me, it made me feel powerful and in control, and I still feel disgusting and sick every time I put anything in my mouth, and I just... I want to know if that's ever going to go away. My brain knows that I need food to do awesome things and have energy and feel good, but... my brain also tells me to feel guilty and ashamed and stressed when I give my body the stuff it needs to, you know, live. But when I don't eat I feel... high, almost. proud. giddy. *full.* That's it in a nutshell: When I eat I feel empty, and when I don't, I feel full. Between this and the depression/ptsd... sometimes I realize just how broken my brain is, and how much work I still have to do, and... I just want to wake up, walk out the door, and live my life. But I have to be Mad-Eye Moody, "Constant Vigilance." It's exhausting. GOAL THREE: BUILDING FORWARD MOTION DEX +2 , STA +3 C. I did okay on this one, not perfect. I tend to want to give myself an "f" even if I missed 2 days, and Hireadd got on me for being too harsh on myself last time, so I'm trying to see it as someone else would, and *of course* I wouldn't be able to do this on the days I was driving 8 hours, * of course* I wouldn't be able to do this when I had the flu... you are allowed to take days off and still not completely fail. DEX +1, STA +1.5 GOAL FOUR: A CALM MIND IS A HEALTHY MIND WIS +1, DEX +1, CON +1 A, though I never did get around to the Thai Chi/Yoga. I did a lot of mindful meditation, controlled breathing meditation, walking meditation. It really upped my memorization game. Like... crazy. I'm thinking it was a focus thing. If I tried to memorize something right after meditation? Done in 5 seconds. Not joking. Wis +1, Dex +1, Con +1 Now I gotta think up goals for next time! I'm working on figuring out things to do inside, because I live on the top of a mountain and winter is... nasty here. I'm also in a show that will have me driving 3 hours, 5 days a week to get there and back. *the things we do for art* Level Up!

RESULTS!!! GOAL ONE: SLEEP IS YOUR FRIEND CON +2 , STA +2 I'm giving myself a C for this one. I wish I could give myself an A for effort, but I was pretty specific. This goal was HARD. Con +1, Sta +1 GOAL TWO: FOOD IS FUEL CON +2, STA +1 This goal went the way of the good ship Fail Boat. F. Apparently asking myself to eat *two* pre-family dinner meals a day is still too much. Have any of you played WoW? (I promise this analogy will get relevant) I remember back when it first came out, I was playing a Human Rogue (back when it was still fun and before I realized The Horde was where it's at), I was just strolling along the road near Dusktown (or darktown or duskhaven or something, I'm getting all my rpg towns confused) when, out of nowhere, I was dead. I was in chat with a friend, and it went something like this: Me: WTF just happened? Friend: Where are you? Me: Just outside that creepy ghost town. Friend: Oh, yeah, a high level elite Harvester/Abomination walks that road. Me: Why would they put that thing next to a low level area? Friend: that's a good question... life, I guess? You need a bodyguard? Me: I can handle myself! I'll just... walk roads in *stealth* from now on. Friend: I'm pretty sure with a big enough level difference, the monsters can see through stealth. Me: damn it. *dies again* Anyway, this food thing, it's like... my high level elite monster cruising through the noob area. I don't know what it is about my body, my brain, but for as long as I can remember... the best way to describe it, my "comfort food" is not eating. I struggle to remember a time when I wasn't this way. When I was a kid, and I couldn't control anything, "not eating" became a thing for me, it made me feel powerful and in control, and I still feel disgusting and sick every time I put anything in my mouth, and I just... I want to know if that's ever going to go away. My brain knows that I need food to do awesome things and have energy and feel good, but... my brain also tells me to feel guilty and ashamed and stressed when I give my body the stuff it needs to, you know, live. But when I don't eat I feel... high, almost. proud. giddy. *full.* That's it in a nutshell: When I eat I feel empty, and when I don't, I feel full. Between this and the depression/ptsd... sometimes I realize just how broken my brain is, and how much work I still have to do, and... I just want to wake up, walk out the door, and live my life. But I have to be Mad-Eye Moody, "Constant Vigilance." It's exhausting. GOAL THREE: BUILDING FORWARD MOTION DEX +2 , STA +3 C. I did okay on this one, not perfect. I tend to want to give myself an "f" even if I missed 2 days, and Hireadd got on me for being too harsh on myself last time, so I'm trying to see it as someone else would, and *of course* I wouldn't be able to do this on the days I was driving 8 hours, * of course* I wouldn't be able to do this when I had the flu... you are allowed to take days off and still not completely fail. DEX +1, STA +1.5 GOAL FOUR: A CALM MIND IS A HEALTHY MIND WIS +1, DEX +1, CON +1 A, though I never did get around to the Thai Chi/Yoga. I did a lot of mindful meditation, controlled breathing meditation, walking meditation. It really upped my memorization game. Like... crazy. I'm thinking it was a focus thing. If I tried to memorize something right after meditation? Done in 5 seconds. Not joking. Wis +1, Dex +1, Con +1 Now I gotta think up goals for next time! I'm working on figuring out things to do inside, because I live on the top of a mountain and winter is... nasty here. I'm also in a show that will have me driving 3 hours, 5 days a week to get there and back. *the things we do for art* Level Up! .

New project! Now that winter is upon us (like woah!), I'm going to be cleaning out a space to start doing workout videos! Because, holy crap it's cold outside!

yeah... falling down the stairs... don't recommend it. lol.

Oh, for the love of humanity! I have been without internet for 5 days!!! But it is finally back! Huzzah! I also got cast in a show during the no internet, which is great. It's for charity (a women's shelter), so I'm not gonna get paid, but it will be great to be on stage again, and to be a part of the V-Day Project again (I was in The Vagina Monologues while in college, this will be my first time in a professional production of the show). I've been sick (not the flu, thankfully, but some other kind of general crud), and I also fell down the stairs (because I was super dizzy from the previously mentioned crud), so I've only been out walking twice this week, but it's like this itch in the back of my mind, go walk, go walk, go walk, so I know I'm going to get back in it. I'm gonna go catch up on my email right now, though. :-) Oh, 'net, how I have missed thee.

OMG... I think this whole "walk 5 miles every morning" thing has become a habit!!! I didn't go out this morning because it's been raining all day (and all my usual paths are currently mud), and I feel so... weird. Like, that feeling you get when you realize you forgot to put on deodorant or something. Awesome.

I don't know how accurate this little bugger is, but it says I've burned 2300 calories today, and I feel like an epic bad*** right now. That is all.