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About RisenPhoenix

  • Rank
    Wielder of Esperacchius
  • Birthday 11/19/1986

Character Details

  • Location
    Medford, MA
  • Class
  1. *cough* All the leg suicide. A full tour workout for our stadium is 31 (big) steps, and 37 sections. It’s just about 1150 stairs. Or 95 dozens of stairs. 😬 And somehow, I miss the leg Murder.
  2. Well then. My life has been an interesting adventure in the last few days. A lot of time spent pondering my next life steps, both professionally and personally, and trying to implement them with as little commentary as possible. So. I went and spoiled myself by buying an iPad. Then I went and tried to build out a work-functional space on the machine. Then I bought a blue tooth keyboard for it. And I think the result is I am in love with this thing. It is going to become a workhorse in a way I never thought something could function, and I am thrilled with it. on the professional front, I have solidly given up actually any hope that my company will do anything right, and that I will not be screwed in the process. I’ve been interviewing for weeks with this role, and Monday they rejected me, not wanting to poach me from a sister VC company. Yesterday, I sent them an email asking for some clarification, because there were some things I wanted to apply to that had popped up there, and it would be nice to hear. Today, I was unrejected. They essentially didn’t want to step on company toes, and therefore played it safe, and also needed to drop the title slightly (From Scientist —> Associate Scientist) , but I was okay with the drop and they got the go ahead from the VC Parent that hiring me wouldn’t be a breach of etiquette. So now I’ve found myself back in the running.... for a position that technically doesn’t exist. Huzzah! On the personal front, I’ve been thinking of what life post-COVID looks like. Mostly, I think it looks far less busy than I had in The Before times. Notably, less time on the mat, but more time doing a variety of things and taking time to myself, for myself. Whether that means dates, reading, building, cleaning, who knows. I just realized that as much as I love training at the dojo, training 5-6 days a week is exhausting and I want to not be exhausted and stressed about things that are supposed to be fun. If I’m not amazing, who cares. As long as I have fun, progress, and learn, then what else do I want from it? The more kata-based practice that people talk about bore me, because lifting fills that space in my brain/zen motions. But also hiking/rucking fills that spot. I don’t need to be amazing at all the things. I just need to keep trying. And so I’ll take a fitness schedule that actually prioritizes my well being, not just weight loss. I’m working on fixing my diet again, and using IF as a tool to help curb things to a more reasonable level. I have my goals that are fitness related (hello, fitting back into my size 34 pants), but they not quite as desperate as I once thought - clearly nearly a year of inactivity and I haven’t ballooned to where I was before I joined NF. My fear of reaching that point again seems.... unlikely barring some major life changes. And that brings comfort in a way I didn’t realize I needed. And so here I am. Writing things to an audience, that I’ve already written to myself in another section, where I already started to act on things because I know the motion forward is the important part. I think I needed NF to teach me that lesson.
  3. Sold!! And they really have good beer. And so many doggos It really is strange to see how far I have come in the last nine (!!!!) years. I tried to like the weapons. But I've come to the conclusion that the mental function of data I have covered by other task - lifting and hiking, mostly. But as soon as you let me toss someone, I am 1,000% in. Ultimately I'll be functional, not amazing. And I am okay with that. Third intervene with the same place happened on Tuesday and it seems to have gone well. This one was with HR to get my demands, essentially. They don't quite have a position of my level, but seem to be open to creating one. That is exciting to me on many fronts. Both because the research is actually sparking my passion and they seem willing to help me grow my career in the way I would like. Now I'm just waiting. But its a good sign when hr says you are clearly passionate & your personality would mesh well with the company, right? In other news, the work week has sucked, and almost mostly its my fault with a tinge of "Science being uncooperative.” that and insomnia did not help. Nor did a pushy VP. But! I did decide to spoil myself with a new work/adulting toy. So I bought myself an iPad Pro with a Apple Pencil to use for notes, paper reading, other tasks that a tablet is good for. In this case, I have hand written this entire post. So that is pretty awesome. Considering my thought process invokes handwriting, this will be useful. I do think I'll get the screen protector that makes it feel like paper. Then I'll be golden. I think it'll be seeps useful moving forward. And if not, at least its a shiny new toy. I don't get those for myself often.I should remember it's okay to occasionally treat yourself.
  4. We likely won't be opening our doors for contact training until at least May or June. By that point most of the Boston area should be vaccinated (we hope), but my dojo in particular skews much older and so we are being hyper vigilant. Also we don't have enough income to pay the rent space when we start up again, so we need to plan accordingly. But I am waiting to get things rolling because I miss being able to toss people about. A lot. Also funny story, I accidentally stole my grading partner's jo. It's perfectly sized for me, we were supposed to do regular stuff, then winter and depression hit me. He went to train the other day and discovered he has MY jo, and his is..... kinda tucked in the back seat of my car. Whoops.
  5. It's less because I see warning signs, and more just how prevalent she was in my life for how long, considering I have gone no contact with her after a few post-breakup early exchanges. It's a bit like probing a formerly gaping wound and still seeing it is sensitive, but most certainly dulled. And really having any feeling about it is just strange. 🤷‍♂️. I'm making due, is all, and revisiting old stuff just makes me think, rather than it be triggering. ------ I have been running around a bunch lately at work, and have been dead tired. I have solidly reached a point of no fucks given, but my personality still requires that I do well at my job. So it's an interesting state to be in. I've been whistling at work, which I've learned a long time ago is an indication that I Am Doing Okay. Yes, it's a weird indication, but it also means that my brain is thinking about music (or at least noise), instead of anxiously and endlessly thinking about problems. It's a good state for me. That said, I had a good second interview on Thursday with one of the team members I would be working closely with. Went a bit long, but I think he and I got a good sense of one another. Two hours after we hung up HR sent an email asking for a third interview/call. This is a role that I might actually dictate what I want, so I'm in a good position. Or they are going to try to convince me to take a more junior role, and I will remove myself from the running. I know what I want for my next step in my career, and that certainly isn't going backwards. And speaking of forward motion, I spent a lot of time on a 6 mile hike yesterday thinking about what a Post-NF RP looks like (when I wasn't thinking about the things I could do at the job I now have a third interview at). I'm trying right now to figure out what my new normal will be. For a while there, especially towards the end of last year, I was heavily thinking it would be something without aikido. And slowly I've come to realize that will literally never happen. It's been too engrained in me at this point, to the point that I think of things in aikido metaphors. I just really don't care for weapon work, which has made it harder (or at least weapon work that doesn't involve disarming and throwing someone away). Kata I find dull. I understand their use, they just.... don't do it for me in the same way lifting heavy things does. Which is an interesting realization to have. I guess I do aikido for the connection after all. That said, aikido will probably take a small backseat as I am unlikely to return to the 6 days a week crowd. And that is okay. I have other things I would like to do and progress in, and I will keep progressing, if slower, in aikido. I don't really ever want to test again anyway, and testing was never a big focus of mine anyway. But thinking about what I want - good stamina, flexibility, moderate strength levels, I suspect I will end up in some hybrid of yoga-lifting-rucking/endurance training. It'll be slow, but who cares? It's a marathon, not a sprint. But not a literal marathon, because ew, running. The other thing I'm debating is how I approach food. For years I have done calorie counting. It held me responsible. But also despite being a data driven person, long term it is tricky. I certainly know what I should eat and how much. My diet, when I try, is actually filled with more veggies in a week than most people eat in a month. So part of me is wondering if I should try some more intuitive eating approaches. I know I'm an anxious eater, so maybe pair it with a written list when I know I am stressed? Less about the calories, and more about the TYPE of food I am eating when that happens. Remove the emphasis on the numbers to obsess less. And on that front.... yes, I still want to get back to 200 pounds. Lower would be great. But at this point it's more a "feel better about myself and fit into clothing easier" state than numbers obsessed. That will require some discipline, but it is doable. I think as I start getting myself more active again things will pan out more to where they used to be. Just at the moment I've been so slothful that it is hard. Historically, since being here, I was nearly hyper active. Aikido 5-7 times a week. November Project. Yoga. Lifting. Rucking. The last year everything slowed to a crawl. But in a way, it showed that the last 9 years have truly changed how I view things. And also that even with what feels like a massive backslide, I am not reverting to the state I was in when I first joined NF. I've spent years being terrified of going back to That Point (and I'm sure some of it is due to seeing family yo yo for years on fad diets). But if nothing else, 2020 showed it would take some even more drastic slides to get to that point based on the habits I have built. That is... a larger breakthrough than I think I suspected this week. This coming week is looking somewhat interesting. I'm getting my first vaccination on Tuesday (okay, I've gained weight, BMI is a terrible indicator, but by MA standards I am now obese and qualify). I have the HR interview on Tuesday as well. A massive project in the pipeline at work that I am in charge of is starting to kick off, where people want me to rush, but.... screw it. I know what needs to be done and how long it will take. I'm not letting them burn me out. They want things done faster, they should have gotten me. report. I'm going to do this thing right, or not at all. To the point that I (politely) told a VP to bugger off and let me do science before we jump down this rabbit hole in a hurry. And then had TWO OTHER VPS back me up. And say I wrote the reply well. So I'm doing something right. So yea. Life keeps moving forward, and I Think I'm slowly finding a way and refining what I want in my next cycle. Probably long over due, but I got there, finally.
  6. Honestly I don’t think I do. I mostly just lean into being me, which tangentially hits the “no fucks to give” part I’m in. And I actually finally have an idea of what I want to do, and the type of role I want, which helps. The fact these two positions are super interesting to me helps. It does also help that this time around I have a good paying job that I can deal with and put only partial effort into and still accomplish stuff, as well as running my thoughts by recruiters in the area who agree with my thoughts and plans. Also I have read a lot about how to deal with humans. A lot. Because ew, humans.
  7. I have a lot of runs. I am over 100 at this point. Partially because I was really bad at giving nectar to the Gods because screw them, I cared about House Hades first and foremost. But I do adore the song. And the message. ------- This week has been.... a thing. A very exhausting thing. The good news is I am mentally in a better place than I was - mostly by completely disconnecting from the thought that I can fix things and trust management at work. I am solidly on the "Do my job well, and nothing more" train. It makes my bandwidth so much easier to deal with. I still will loudly call out BS. But I will be calling it out to help support the others who plan on staying, rather than actually expecting it to impact anything. In many ways, it is a shame. The coworkers are pretty awesome. The management is terrible. Even my new boss is someone I could learn to manage up well with I think - the biggest concerns I have are he has the negative traits of my last two bosses, and I KNOW how to deal with them. But ultimately it's not a job I wanted, and frankly if I need to maneuver around a new boss I should get one for a role I adore. And on that note, two saturdays ago now I applied for several jobs. By Monday I had two of them excitedly send me messages about talking right away - both in roles that are SUPER interesting and more in line with what I want than what I am currently doing. Both of the calls went well (one on Thursday, one on Friday), and I got along with everyone, AND was not looked at strangely for stating my expectations regarding the title level and duties I was looking for in my next step. There are wobbles with both positions, but I feel I made a good enough case that there is potential. In the meantime, I've been lightly stalking Past-RP. I think the saddest thing for me is realizing the archive of my first Spartan challenge seems to be lost. It was the first time I met nerds in person, and I forgot that it was during my time having just been laid off from my first job out of grad school. It was also awkward looking back and seeing how I interacted with my Ex on here. I hadn't thought much about her posting on my challenges (it has been ages since she has even truly been Nerd Adjacent) and how that would be looking back. There's some mild, dull aching, but not the simmering rage and hurt I probably would have felt 6 months ago. But happier things, about how the Spartan became my start point about being here. How @AgentsSka harassed me into trying it. How I met TinMan (who I visited yesterday as he and his wife got a new puppy and I needed to gush over my fur nephew). How I had a mild competitive fire lit under me. How seeing this group of nerds, who previously had only known one another online meshed so well into a cohesive group that felt comfortable with one another. How my first meeting with @raptron was her punching me for someone who couldn't make it. And going through my challenges, it is entertaining to see how much of a nightmare my career has been. Like, I know this. When I recount it to people, OTHERS acknowledge this. On the interview I had on Thursday the guy talking to me legitimately said I had, and I quote "Seen some Shit." Dude was not wrong, either. But still. Mildly validating to see what I've gone through. This week my company has removed our COVID-induced Shift system. We have the entire lab based side of the company that was told we should start working normal hours again, despite not everyone being vaccinated and despite the lab space having substantially smaller square footage than the entire building technically allows us to have. As I do not trust management, I'm probably going to be keeping an eye on things on that realm. I'm not thrilled, and not terribly shocked that it is coming into play as soon as our building director had their last day, as they were the safety person. It's another example of my company doing the expedient thing for rapid results, rather than the RIGHT thing. And if/when it backfires will panic about how they had no idea, despite people regularly telling them exactly how it could backfire. And this is why I have trust issues. Or no trust, is more accurate at this point.
  8. And scones. <.< >.> I am a stress baker as it turns out.
  9. Counter point to this, because I've been playing so much Hades and it is relevent: You all have a few more weeks left of me before I fully vanish (or at least take an extended hiatus) - and I have your number. I fully intend to keep in touch / an eye on people in the long run, just possibly not through HERE as a medium. That said, I want to take this challenge period to just.... unpack years of challenges here. The day I posted this I read my entire first challenge. It's so strange to see everything I've managed from that time, while also seeing myself still. The eagerness for aikido, the data collection, the wondering if it's okay to spend money on myself. What would that person say to me if he knew I made it to shodan? That I paid off my debt (and then put myself right back into it with a mortgage)? That inaction would become stranger than action? That I'd lose weight, gain weight, lose it, gain it, lose it again and gain it again? How about the fact that there was a point, way back in the beginning, that I debated if I was a Monk or a Druid? That the flow of aikido I already knew was closer to Tai Chi than Karate, and therefore by the way the forums had been set up the descriptions meant that I might have fit better with druids? And that at the last second that I would join the Monks and become a staple here for a while? Or that in my second challenge I had to be harassed to do it, because I thought my goals were lame. But I made it anyway. And then another. And another. And another. It's just so interesting to see where I was in these snippets of time. But I will say, I just stumbled across this wrap up quote I wrote myself: And it's true. I suspect I'll find the same thing out as I dig into things here for my "final" wrap up. ------- How about a more current update, than past reflection? Work has been a disaster. Things have gotten more and more complicated, I've been tossed around and have spent more time dealing with a hyper boss who wants to do everything than any actual projects that interest me, and Management has its head up certain dark places. After a 4 mile hike on Saturday, I came to the final conclusion - I'm leaving my job. I don't have anything lined up yet, and I won't give notice until I do, but at the end of the day I don't trust management to fix things that are required for me to stay. I could hang them over a barrel - my VP and I have had very explicit talks about what I want and would need to stay - and they would actually work to give them to me. But also.... I just am tired of fighting everything. I want to move my career in the manner I want, not fear of finances or laziness of employers wants. So I started to apply to jobs in earnest on Saturday after the hike. I heard back from one position already and they want me to have a phone interview, and on paper the role is one that is incredibly exciting and exactly the type of things I would like my career to be. So we'll go and see how that will pan out. Physically I am larger than I want to be, and stress has been making me eat a large amount of junk. I logged food for the first time today in a long time. No veggies/fruit added, so I certainly had more in my total intake, but it was probably the lowest amount I have had in a long while. I want to get back to 200-ish pounds by July. I don't know what my current weight is. I don't want to know. I'll hold off weighing in until probably end of April and see what things look like then. And hopefully by then I'll be a bit more physically ACTIVE as well - I've been stagnant from my back injury and winter weather and depression. But I mean, otherwise I think I'm okay? I've half heartedly tried some dating after getting dumped in December, struck up a few new friendships, and helped build a few more community/social nets at work. I've started baking more (which may or may not be a problem given the previous paragraph), but have also been sharing the scones and bagels I make with multiple people. It's been a good method to burn some time on the weekends when reading or playing games isn't what I want to do. I have done maybe more blankly-staring-at-the-wall than I care to admit, but I'm hoping the nice weather fixes that and/or I transition those to naps. Over all I truly can't complain. I'm mentally better than I was 4-5 months ago. Physically I'm larger than I want to be, but still not the size I was when I started way back when. My back is healing reasonably well for someone who stopped doing his PT as religiously as I had been (note to self: get on that, asshole). I have no shoes to tackle new hikes, new beers and games to share with people, and at the very least can say work is desperate to keep me (so I guess I'm desired or something). I guess I could do worse.
  10. When my mother had double knee replacement surgery, my father was in charge of taking care of.... well everything. At one point he commented how HARD it was to remove the *pre made meals* family and friends made to help him from the freezer to remember them for dinner. I looked at him like he had 8 heads, and my mother and I laughed at how typically male his reaction was. And looking back on when he had to take care of me or my brother, it was usually dinners that he bought out on his way home from work, or meats he grilled that my mother specifically got for him to cook. Like, I know I'm all Y-chromosomed up and all, but even I find that insane.
  11. Fo sho. There was definitely a point and time in the Monk Guild where most people just spoke in Gif.... Also here for Aikido Zen Buddhist Monk thoughts to hopefully spur my own brain on.
  12. Oooo, Outriders. Yes, I'm lurking but had to poke my head in to say Ooooo Outriders. And Cyberpunk. Carry on.
  13. Yea I think I'm going to be stealing this methodology. Also hi.
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