BeautifulBeast

I may borrow this idea for the combat feat!

Today was bad. Just terribly awful bad. Went to work, shattered the screen on my phone. About 30 seconds later my ex was walking around in the hallway outside my (open) door and one of the other people that work where I do, basically the office manager, wished him congrats. He asked what for and she goes "oh...well...a couple of things but for now the job" I'm pretty sure she was also saying congrats on getting divorced. You know, congrats on losing the person you spent almost a decade enforcing your control over and abusing. Congrats on finally managing to drive away the person who walked on egg shells and did everything in her damn power to make you happy every single day of your lives together. But I know that's not what is being said. I know that to everyone else, I've been just cheating on him the last few years. Even though I didn't want the poly ordeal to begin with, that was his doing. And I didn't ever date anyone until L came along. But hey, I'm just one giant slut bag. It's good to know we live in a society where you can abuse someone for almost a decade and when that person finally gets the balls to walk away, you can play the victim and succeed. Because obviously the charming, charismatic, silver tonged snake is never anything but a great person. Never. And people wonder why women staying in abusive relationships. There's no outside support. They've been cut off from friends and family, all they have is the abusers relations and if she gets the balls to leave, well he is going to use those charms and manipulative ways to make sure she is the bad guy. People have actually said they don't believe me. Or that "it's not like he was beating you or anything." because I wasn't walking around with two black eyes on a weekly basis I guess I wasn't abused enough to justify my leaving? Nope, clearly it's just me wanting to run off and be with the other man, you know....the one I was WITH ANYWAY!!!! Now, I'm not saying L didn't have a part in all this, because he did. He helped me realize that I am not crazy. I'm not over dramatic or worthless or just a giant bitch. He helped me see that it is okay to have an opinion, to have feelings and thoughts that are independent of my husband. His support is what gave me the confidence to walk away. But he spent many nights trying to get me to stay, because he didn't want the family to fall apart. He wanted hubby and I to work things out. It's not leaving one for the other, it's one helping to make me strong enough to chase what I deserve. And to come to terms with one fact. I. Was. Abused. My husband was abusive. I don't give a shit if you think he wasn't abusive enough because he only hit me once every couple of months or so. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter what form it comes in. So....I may have had a drink today. But I also journaled. So....cancel each other out? I'm also hoping one of my three other jobs will give me more hours, I plan on this month being my last at that place.

I broke my run streak yesterday. Not that it was that exciting of one, I'd only been at it for 12 days. But my Achilles tendon was asking for the day off and I figured if I couldn't walk right, I shouldn't be running. I need my feet in top shape for WERQ. I think instead of running everyday, I'm just going to make that goal be follow my 1/2 training, which starts next week! I'm also in the process of setting up a schedule for lifting next week. I need to start lifting again, I feel so out of whack and I think a lot of it is I haven't had a set schedule for anything lately. I'm torn on if I want to follow End Of Three fitness again or if I want to do something even more simplified than that. I really like the latest nerd fit blog and the lifting schedule there. I kind of want to steal that for the time being. I don't know. I'm not going to workout before work today anyway, so I don't have to decide right now. I'd really REALLY like to sign up for the PIT but I don't have the $50 to spend to sign up for it. After the initial payment it will be fine but I am struggling enough with money right now anyway. I mean, I just moved out on my own. I have two kids to feed and clothe and get into activities. I don't need to join the fancy part of the gym, just hit up the squat racks. I have free membership to the three biggest and best gyms in the town, I feel like I don't really have any excuse in the matter. Except that the gym is scary. But that's not really an excuse either. I still haven't been drinking, although I'd really like to. If I had more than $40 to get me through the next week or so, I probably would have bought some rum. This whole divorce thing has been rough. Really, really rough. But I like being sober. I like waking up and not being groggy and I like having abs, which is something that doesn't happen when I'm bloated from rum and coke. I've been better about forgiving myself. I've journaled twice this week and meditated a bit yesterday. This isn't my fault. The way life has gone, it isn't my fault. I understand those words but believing them is much more difficult. I just want to be happy, but I don't want to do that at the expense of other people's happiness. But with hubby, I wasn't happy. It was a bad situation. We were bad for each other. Maybe things will be better for him with another person. Maybe we were just too young and got married for all the wrong reasons. Which, duh, I married him because he asked a million times and I finally figured 'why not, we already have a kid together'. He got married because he wanted a wife. But I'm no longer angry at myself for this, nor am I angry at Hubby. For a while I was mad that I wasn't getting more out of this deal. I felt like I should be taking him to court, getting full custody of the kids and child support, half of everything else and all that. After all he spent 8 years being a dick to me, pushing me around both metaphorically and not. Shouldn't I get something out of the deal? Shouldn't he suffer as I have suffered? No. The answer to that is no. All that will do is upset the kids, put them in the middle of a battle field they don't deserve to be a part of. And as long as two souls in this world are locked in conflict, the whole world is a little more angry. It's not worth it. I am getting what I deserve, a second chance with someone who could very well be 'the one' if I believed in that sort of thing. And hubby is getting what he deserves as well. After all, in the end his American Dream was shattered. He lost his little house wife, and the white picket fence. I feel like hurting him in any other way would just be petty. No. It's time for us to move on, and the only way to do that is to let this thing end as quickly as possible. I am happy now, let it be. I spend a lot of time analyzing everything right now. Especially because of L. I know, down to my bones I know, that he and I are the real deal. That we have something most people spend their whole lives searching for and never really find. We really do compliment each other pretty damn perfectly. We don't fight either, which is the most amazing concept to me. I am a difficult person, I know that. The fact that he knows how to handle my moods and it not end in the two of us screaming at each other is.... I don't know. Just crazy to me, I guess. We've been together for almost a year now and have had one real argument, and it was about CrossFit LOL! And it wasn't a drag out screaming match, just us being frustrated. And even that, we spent 10 minutes apart and we both apologized and talked like adults and it was fine. But I'm scared. This divorce has made me more cautious, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either. And I lied, I think I want to go for a run after all. I have an hour before I need to be out the door for work, that's plenty of time!

After her morning training session, the wandering nord looked around her latest hut. She had been there for nearly two weeks, and it felt both foreign and familiar to her. Coming to terms with losing her home, the home she had worked for the last bit of her years to domesticate and farm. The home she raised her children from infancy in. Lost to her, now a pile of ashes and memories. Here though, here she was safe. Here she had the potential to be better, to be happy. Something she had long forgotten how to be. "It's time" she whispered to her reflection in the mirror. A reflection that was also both foreign and familiar to her. "It's time to accept this place as home. It's time to begin to rebuild my life. It's time to be happy." ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Okay, last random post of the day. Or at least morning. On my run, I made the decision to do mini challenges this go around too. Mostly in regards to the apartment, but also myself. I think they will help with my second goal, to forgive myself and to be happy. ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************* The Nord pulled some of the scavenged remains of her old life from the piles that lay around the main room. Pictures, expertly drawn on flimsy, yellowed papers. Some of the children as babies, some of sayings that reminded her to be happy. To smile again. Others still, sketches drawn by her lovers skilled hands. She started to plan places to install them on the walls of her new abode. This is the first step, she thought. The first step to making a home. ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************* This week (well whats left of it) I'm setting the mini goal of hanging up some of the artwork, pictures and shelves that are scattered around the apartment. I also want to look into getting a giant bulletin board set up to help keep my organized and on track with work and kids schedules!

I'm not feeling awake or creative enough to try and tie swimming into a water sparse, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Just pretend for a moment that there was a good reason for me to swim a mile I did the number of laps that I had set in my mind as a mile. But I've since figured out that it's, at most, only a 50Meter pool. So I don't know. I only did a half mile, I guess. Either way, I swam the laps I wanted to so I'm calling this a win. And if I only did a half mile, I never, ever, ever, EVER want to do a triathlon. Ever. Because, ow. I really hope that the pool is a 50 meter one, and not a 25 yard one. Because if I only did less than a fourth of a mile..... just no. I don't even want to go there.

I've come to the conclusion that activities you enjoy, how you like to dress or wear your hair and all that jazz doesn't determine your gender. Because those things aren't gender bound. And you know.... all that wibely wobely gender stuff. I had a girl in childcare the other day that put a gender on everything. "why is he wearing yellow flip-flops? Yellow flip-flops are for girls." and "why is your hair short and spikey, that's how boys wear their hair" and it went on and on and on. I wanted to find her parents and smack them. Anything that says I can't snack is an ordeal to me

And now the fun stuff!!! When I weighed myself Monday I was at 162. It's Thursday and I'm down to 160. These pictures are from Monday. I wish I could get a good picture of my butt by myself since that's my 'problem area'. It's where I store all my fat! Which doesn't matter anyway, because as I've said before, I'm kind of over the whole vanity issue at this point. Just so many other things to worry about!

I am exhausted. I haven't had a day off since....I don't even know. Every day is just me running between one of my 4 jobs and kids activities. And then I come 'home' to a place that doesn't feel like home to me yet and try and organize and clean and decorate to make it feel right. In the end I'm just tired. Right down to the core of me. I'm scared that even though I work my ass off every freaking day, it's not going to be enough. I miss my cat and my garden. I haven't been eating more than one meal a day and I've lost 5 pounds since we've moved. I'm keeping my head up though. I know it will get better, because it has to. Eventually I will find a balance, I will find and settle into a routine in all the chaos. I've still been running everyday, this week only a mile a day because of the competition coming up but that's all I have to do to keep the streak going. I've also swam laps a few times. Yesterday I tried out the similar to but legally distinct from CrossFit training class at one of the gyms I work at. It was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to going again, when I have the $60 to sign up >.< I haven't been drinking, although I'd really like to. Yesterday I was tempted. Yesterday was a long day. I have library today so I will have time to sit and journal and I plan to. I plan to wallow in self loathing for a bit but then count those blessings, because I need to. Even though it feels like they are few and far between.

OMG ABHORSEN!!!!! Okay, now I'm going to go back and read more than just the title. I just had to freak out that I'm not the only fan of Nix on here. I just finished reading Clariel so I'm still oogly eyed about it.

Name: BeautifulBeast Class: Wanderer/Nomad Race: Nord I stand in the middle of the dusty crowd. The better to blend in. The better to pick up tid bits or news others may not want spread around. Gossip has always been humanity's weakness. I've spent 10 days in this camp, it's both a welcome change from the months I spent alone in the wastelands searching for....what? Exactly. Home. Future. Hope. None of those exist anymore. And yet, here I am. In this crowd deciding if I will follow them on their doomed mission or if I will leave the camp alone and wander the wastelands some more in my own personal doomed quest. A few days walk, he says. Just a recon mission, to see what we find in their outposts. Seems simple enough, especially for one so weathered from the wastes as I. For now it will do. For now I will follow and blend in with the 'rangers'. Until it suits me to run, or worse. I will join with them on this. Feats Endurance: One mile swim. I know I said 1.5 but....that's a lot more than I thought it was. So 1 mile. Strength: 1 rm of 125lb Squat Clean or 3 rm of 115lb (my current 1RM) Speed: Perform a timed mile run trial. Combat: Meditate daily. May seem counter intuitive but I see it as fighting myself. Healing: Stretch & mobility every day of this week.

Ooooo!! Love this, can't wait! I will have to think up my other feats but endurance will be to swim 1.5 miles in a single go!

Quick update since I'm on a computer but have only 10 minutes left of work to do so. Spent most of work preparing for my two WERQ classes I have today >.< Anywho.... (note to self, un double space the main post and scold phone for being such a Dbag sometimes!) So despite the stress, all the terrible awful things that have been happening and all that jazz, I'm pretty happy right now. I had breakfast with my (soon to-be) ex this morning and we were agreeable. We even parted with a hug. Because in the end, I do love him and I miss having him in my life sometimes. Even though we've had our issues, he's been my main to-go person for my entire adult life and I have been feeling the loss of him lately. I want he and I to be friends, like really seriously friends. I saw a comic on kimichi cuddles recently where her hubby has fallen for another woman (it's a poly comic fyi) and Kimichi is all 'that's cool, lets just let our relationships evolve and hey, maybe one day we'll just end up being really good friends and you two can be your thing or whatever. And I just....sigh. I want that for us. I want he and I to both have happy endings, and we don't get that with each other. So we'll see. My goals went well yesterday. Didn't really do much to meditate or anything but I ran, I networked, I didn't drink. All that jazz. So good start. Hopefully I'll get a chance this afternoon to upload my 'before' pictures for this challenge. Which will be really more 'feed my ego' pictures as I am not really looking to change my appearance anymore. I have gotten to the point where, overall, I find myself very attractive and have decided if someone doesn't well, that's their opinion and I just don't have to worry about it. Alright. Time to sign off and go set up for the kids WERQ demo I'm teaching soon. Wooohooo!!

I feel like that's a lie, I think about my gender and sexuality a lot LOL! I'm always like "I like to pick up heavy things and I like having really, really short hair.....am I really a girl?" or "That woman over there is veeeeeeery attractive, maybe I am more bi than I think." But I'm also very inquisitive, so maybe it's just in my nature to question myself! Looking forward to following you on this challenge. The No S diet ordeal intrigues me.

I LOVE this idea! Yay Rainbow Brite!

Here is the link for my challenge this time around.

Well I'm back. A bit broken, a bit bruised. But I'm here again, non the less. Most of you don't know me or my story but I finally left my husband. I'm in my own place, moving on with an amazing man I met about a year ago now. I'm happy but more importantly, I'm safe. Which is more than I can say about me from a year ago. But my heart is broken. I turned my entire life upside down in the matter of a few months and now I'm just taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm at peace with my choices and life. Tomorrow? Well....you never know just how tomorrow will feel. I've decided to jump back into these challenges, starting with this one. I'm in a new place, starting a new life but I've started to let my health slide. I've been eating too much convenience food, and despite being a group instructor and teaching WERQ, I've started to let my fitness slide. I haven't had a proper strength workout since last Friday and it's killing me! I miss my heavy things! Even so my main focus of this challenge is to focus on myself. I have a lot of forgiving to do. And a lot of putting myself back together. Shattered A little over a year ago I asked to be shattered. I heard this song- Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling- and it sent a chill through me. As someone who had been trapped in an emotional and occasionally physically abusive marriage for nearly a decade, I was trapped in my own misery, spinning in a world of grey and walking on egg shells. I wanted to just wake up in another life one day. One where I was safe to be myself, and not having to pretend to be the perfect wife my ex demanded me to be. And here I am. Shattered, my life completely in ruins between my feet, and fighting. This is my Fight Song. It's time to take back my life, find out who I am and own it. I have so many goals this time around. So many things I want to focus on and get better at. I have it narrowed down to threeish! Main Quest(S) Goal 1: Start A Career I guess I could probably have this as a side quest but it's important and I feel like it needs to be a main focus. I currently work 4 part time jobs. I'd like to narrow that down to one that I really like (and teaching WERQ on the side of course!). Preferably something I enjoy and that has benefits but mostly something that I can have steady hours and get myself and children above the poverty level and out of debt. I want to own a home before I turn 35. I have a long way to go with this one, since I don't even know what career to pursue! Steps I will take to start I need to do my research. One of the gyms I currently work for is pretty fantastic, I would like to move up there and make that my home for work for life. I need to decided if this is an option for me. I will update this one as I go along with more steps and my progress. My goal for this 6 weeks is to have a full out 10 year plan, like the list nerd that I am. But for now, one step at a time! Also with this I want to sit down and write out an actual budget with L so we know what we have to spend each month and so we can potentially put money aside to take the kids on a mini vacation this fall! Goal 2: Forgive myself & be happy (and be a good person!) Motivation: The world is a dark enough place and I have spent far too much of my life being a negative Nancy. I've been given a second chance...or rather I fought for a second chance....I'm not going to waste it by being bitter. Steps I will take to achieve this: *Meditate daily. Even if just for 5 minutes. *Journal. Try to Journal 3 times a week. *Count my blessings. Whenever I feel sad or self pity, I will do my best to remind myself of the love and blessings I have in my life, because I have so much to be grateful for. Even when things straight up suck. *Donate my time. This is a maybe, as right now I'm pretty well scheduled from 6am-8pm every. single. day. But, there is an amazing program at a local college that helps train you to be able to help victims of domestic abuse. I want to get to a point where I can participate in that program and help others who have it so much worse than I ever did. *Drink less. I am going to go completely dry for the challenge. Just no drinking at all for 6 weeks. After nightly drinking, I think it's needed. There are too many times when I NEED a drink, not just want one. I don't get shit faced every night, but I'm usually pretty drunk by 9pm. This needs to stop. Side Goals Goal 1: Fitness Train for fall. This fall I want to not only run a half marathon again but also compete in the fall festivus cross fit games. The half I want to do because running keeps me sane, and I've never been as proud of myself as I was crossing the finish line and then discovering I beat my PR. I want that feeling again. The Crossfit stuff I want to do because it's scary to me. I'm not a huge fan of crossfit, I think that a lot of times it's poorly programed and borderline dangerous, but it's also something I suck at am not familiar with because of my limited experience with powerlifts. So I want to compete to keep myself accountable, to feed my competitive nature and to prove to myself that I can do it. Steps I will take: *Keep up with the runstreak. I made it to like 27 days before we moved and I stopped because I was sore and exhausted. I took two days off and am back at it with day 4. After another week or two of easy, short runs I'm going to ramp it back up and start training. *Sign up for Festivus games when I can *design workout schedule OR sign up for the PITT at work-preferable, but scary option! *Compete in the couples competition in two weeks!- also scary and I plan to not be too hard on myself if we fail miserably since this has been the most stressful six months of my life! That's it! I plan to track all this through spreadsheets and keeping posted on here when I can. Here's to a healthier me 6 weeks from now!

The last couple weeks have been crazy. CRAZY. ha! Last Friday, L and I got an email from one of the places we had applied to saying we had been approved and when would we want to sign the lease? We went out that evening, after I got off work and he gave us the keys right then. We rented a Uhaul, spent the night moving all the big and important stuff like mattresses, the kid's beds and our squat rack (priorities!). By 3am Saturday morning we had most everything moved in, at least the big stuff. So yea, that's where I'm at. Moved out and moving on. Divorce papers are being written up, hopefully in a few months I'll be a free woman. i'm still planning on doing the challenge this time around so I will post a link after I get that up and going!

I think I have the 'theme' of my first challenge back picked out. Now I just need to figure out what I want to focus on for the 6 weeks. I know one of my major goals is going to be meditating and rebuilding my spirit, since right now I'm kind of an emotional mess. But I have noticed that when I meditate, even for just 10 minutes, I feel better. So I want to make that a daily habit. I want to work on healing the pieces of myself that have been torn asaunder over the last decade, and most recently these last few months. I have been really hard on myself for wanting to leave hubby. I have been blaming myself for everything ( you know, if only I could keep my mouth shut. It's my fault for speaking my opinion. I should have been better about controlling my own temper etc. etc.) and I've been especially hard on myself about the kids. Of course hubby and MIL both echo these thoughts everytime I talk to them. MIL even said at one point "If you love Hubby, if you love the kids, you would stay and work this out." Which almost made me stay because it resembled so well the thoughts that have bounced around in my head about if I were a good mom I wouldn't do this to the kids. I would stay and put up a good front until they were out of the house. But then what? I have a long road of figuring out how to forgive myself for all of this ahead of me, but I have to do it. I also think it's time for me to quit drinking, if only for a short while. It's becoming a problem. I have noticed that most evenings I put the kids to bed and immediately make a drink, or 4. The times there isn't any rum in the house I am upset that I can't drink and end up going to be by like, 8, because if I can't have a drink then wtf is the point? A lot of it is in the evenings my mind starts processing the days events, since it's usally the first time I sit down throughout the day. So, I'm thinking drinking is going to be a minor focus of this challenge. Possibly starting now since I'm out of rum and I need to save my money for more important things! I've been running everyday, so another minor goal will be to keep that going. I'm on streak day 19! I've noticed a huge improvement in my moods just from making sure I get outside for at least a mile every morning. I am actually pretty excited to move to the nearby bigger town area just so I can take advantage of their super awesome bike and running path and not be stuck with the same 2 routes every day. My feet are also very tired, my ankles hurt and my calves protest everytime I walk up or downstairs. But I'm running at this point to save my sanity. So I will keep with it Alright...well...there's my very drawn out update of life. I'm looking forward to the challenge next month. I'm ready to get back in it!

It's been six(ish) months since I've been on here. So much has changed, within and without. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I know it's time for me to get back on here. I came back specifically to re-read some of the fights and the doubts in my marriage. To remind myself that the choices I have made the last 2 months are valid, that I'm not just making up this whole situation. That I'm not destroying my children's lives simply because my husband is mean sometimes. I'm getting ahead of myself here. Lets start from the moment I knew it was over. Well, the moments. There were a few. Hubs had his G/F over. Although the correct term I guess would be intersex partner, since S is somewhere in the middle of the wibbely-wobbly gender-wender stuff. They were cooking together, and he was being oh so great with S. S would ask him something and he'd do it. That sort of thing. He was being sweet, and fun, and happy. There was no egg shell dance on S's part. Just respect and kindness and love. All the things that I've begged from him over the years. And then the fight started. I don't remember exactly what started it, I think that I had been snuggling with L on the couch the night prior, and not showing hub enough attention (uh...you had your lover over....I thought you'd want to spend time with S?) A common argument in our lives anymore. No matter the ammount of affection I shower him with, Hubs demands more and more. But that fight, sitting at the island on one of our barstools, yelling at each other while S slept in the other room and L was still in bed upstairs, I knew. I knew we were done. It had turned into another argument over sex, something that most couples argue about at one time or another, but our arguments are usually different. For us, it would start when he would ask "hey, let's go fuck" and I would reply that I simply didn't want to. We never went more that 2 days without sex, usually it was a daily chore for me. Or at least that's what I'd come to see it as, because it was the simplest way I had of containing his temper. But on the days that I was exhausted, or cramping, or just feeling bloated and not wanting to be naked around another human being I would say not tonight. And then he'd yell. It was as if I had shook a two liter of coke and was just watching helplessly as the bubbles rose, knowing that any second it would explode all over the kitchen walls. He would start off softly, pouting, sighing deeply, stomping around, slamming doors. I'd try to calm the situation by explaining why I said no, or reminding him we'd just had sex yesterday, or earlier on this same day. And then he'd snap. I'd say something and he'd be offended by it. Every time. And he'd yell. Accuse me of not really loving him, of being a bad wife, of being mean and cruel. I was never attentive enough, never sexual enough and when we did have sex I wasn't always loud enough, or into it enough. It was always something. We'd yell and scream for an hour and then he'd get his way. I'd lay on my back, stomach in knots, trying not to cry. This was our sex life. Me saying no. Him throwing a fit until I said yes. Me trying not to cry. Eventually I got to the point where just kissing him made me stomach knot up. Made me feel terrible and disgusted/disgusting. It took me a while to realize this was wrong. But one day, about a year ago, I read a blog on an alternative lifestyled website about consent. And what counts as conset violations, that aren't straight up rape. Right there at the top of the list was my answer and my 'aha' moment. "No does not mean throwing a fit and bullying a person into saying yes." But that was exactly what the last nearly decade of my life had been. Hubs toeing the line between consensual sex and rape. Right there in that grey area. Right from our first kiss. When I said no, more than once, and he kept trying until I finally said yes. But I was young, I didn't understand that wasn't okay. As someone who has been violently raped, saying no was already hard. I said it once, and I was cruelly taught that my no doesn't matter. Once I read that blog I knew why his touch disgusted me. Why I felt dirty down in my soul. Because I wasn't being respected. Because on a damn near daily basis I was reminded that my opinons on what happens to my body don't count or matter. This was my sex life. About 2-3 months ago after S had stayed the night and returned home again, I tried to explain this feeling to my hubs. Instead of trying to apologize or work towards making it better, he immedatiatly blamed me. Well, I shouldn't say no to him. Obviously. It's all my fault because I can't just want sex the moment he does. After all, now that I have L, I fuck him all day everyday, don't I? Shouldn't I be doing that with hubs? (Of course that wasn't the case at all since I have two young children and 4 jobs so I'm never home for very long but ya know...obvs.) This moment it was over. I told him I was done and I didn't want to try. But I struggle. I keep talking myself back to him, with the help of my MIL of course who 'just wants whats best for everyone'. But everytime I talk myself back to him, he reminds me of why I'm not with him anymore. Like when he freaked out on me at Walmart because I grabbed the sprinkles he told me to grab instead of what I originally wanted to grab. Yelling "GOD DAMNIT KATIE, WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A HUGE DEAL ABOUT SPRINKLES. FUCK! THEY'RE JUST SPRINKLES" Ignoring the fact that I had said nothing about the sprinkles. Other than, well I didn't notice the little bottle. So that's where I'm at. Life has been difficult. L and I are looking to move out, trying to find a place nearby so the kids can still stay in school in our little town. Hubs saying he wants to be friendly, not hostile, and then being nothing short of hostile for the 10 minutes he's around daily. Yelling at me, the kids, L, the dogs...anyone who gets in his way. I am waiting for him to throw a punch one of these days. It's going to happen. He threatens to take the kids away, calls his mom to come try to talk me into staying, tells me him being a giant dick is all my fault becuase I want a divorce so how can he be expected to control his emotions. He's even started pulling the whole 'I'm going to kill myself if you leave me' BS. He's telling people that I'm leaving him because of L. He even told L that this whole thing is because he drove us apart. Despite the fact that L held our marriage together for another year, especially the last few months. He encouraged me to talk it out, to try and make it work because it would be best for everyone involved if Hubs and I could make it work. It makes me unbearably angry and hurt knowing that our friends and the family that I married into are rallying at his side, pitying this monster who has abused me for so long. But there were never visable marks or bruises. His type of cruelty cut much deeper than that. And as such people see this as me just being petty. Or young. Or slutty. Aaaaand foods here. So I will leave it at that. But I will be back

It's been a few days since I posted in here last. This week has been hell. My father-in-law has pancreatic cancer. We don't yet know the extent or what stage or any of that. He still has many tests in his future to figure that stuff out. We do know he has a tumor on his pancreas and that it's currently too big to operate. The doctors are starting with a 3-4 month round of chemo to try to shrink it so he can have it removed. They want to do an experimental chemo with him, one that has a 50/50 chance of shrinking the tumor instead of the 6% chance the current drug has. Unfortunately this also means that instead of being able to drive 20 minutes to the nearest hospital to do the treatment, he will most likely have to drive the 3 hours to the city every week to get this done. The real kicker is there's something like a 15% 5 year survival rate for people who can successfully have the surgery when it comes to this type of cancer. Which means there's a really good chance that the odds are against us here. I don't want to get into a long winded ordeal of how I'm doing right now other than to say this sucks. And I'm so stressed out my eye hasn't stopped twitching and I keep randomly having bouts of my entire body trembling. I've had two full on panic attacks in the last 4 days. I don't know how to cope with this. My husband's parents have been more my parents than my actual parents ever have. And then when I think of the possibility of my kids losing their Papa, who just happens to be their most favorite person in the world....my chest just feels tight. I am so angry that this is happening. Why them? Why the family that is actually involved in the kid's lives? Why now, a month before he was supposed to retire? This whole situation just sucks. So I'll be around and updating from time to time, but probably not often. I'm keeping up with fitness, doing better nutrition wise and still attempting the other stuff. But it's hard. This whole ordeal is just hard.

Completely unrelated life stuff post ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soooo....L is moving in. We've been talking about this from the first time he came and stayed with us, the three of us have pretty well known from the start that this is the direction things were heading and that we are going to be 'a thing' for a long, long while. But now....its happening. He has talked to his brother, told him to start finding somewhere else to live and he wants to start moving some of his smaller items next week. We've talked division of money and the how's and where's and everything about anything. We know the three of us work damn near flawlessly and the kids have asked L to be their step dad (that was a lol moment if ever there was one.) I'm happy, and I'm sure of this...two things mental states that are highly unusual for me. But I'm nervous. It's a big step and we've only really all been dating for...4 months? 5? As much as I try to ignore it, there is a voice in my head that is scared right now. I know its the fear of change, if the unknown etc....but....ugh. I don't even know. Just...things are changing pretty rapidly right now. I'm going to double up on refocusing on myself for the time being. As always my diet and fitness are the things I can control. So I will use that little bit of control to stay sane. Even if I'm panicking a little.

Yesterday's workout results: 5x10 front squats- 2@ 30lbs and 3@50lbs. 21-15-9 ​As many as possible in 3 minutes Thrusters & push-ups 30lbs on bar-got through to the last 9 pushups 15-12-9 Cleans and Burpees Again, 30 lbs on bar, did it in 7 minutes Plus practiced one song for both w/u and c/d and I did dynamic stretching & myrtles. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Took it light with the workout since a lot of the moves (read: ALL of the moves) are new to me. I'd rather learn the motions right with light weights than to load up and hurt something. So for now, taking it light and easy. I had fun with it though, and I'm definitely nice and sore this am! Going to head out in a bit and hit todays wod! whoo! ...well...Mondays on the website but still. The pre-workout has kicked in so this will be quick! Yesterday was hubby's birthday so I made a big to-do about it. We feasted! I made all sorts of goodies, meats and veggies that were soaked, marinated and flavored with bourbon. It was pretty awesome. And now I'm even more bloated and gross feeling than before haha. I figure my 'diet' is screwed until after Sunday anyway, so I'm trying not to obsess. No matter how far I've come, I still feel like life is too short to miss out on a good feast just because it doesn't fit my macros or whatever. lol! I haven't been running. We shall not discuss this matter further. Fuck running. Good news is I've been still work-booking and meditating daily. So there's that at least. Idk if it's the finding inner peace ordeal or just because life is awesome lately, but my brain has been decidedly less busy and angry. I'm pretty damn content and I'm still not sure how I managed to deserve this life but I'm going to enjoy every second of it. I've gotten past the fear that it will implode at any second and now I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. I'm allowing myself to be happy for once. Okay the tingles are too much to handle now, off to workout I go! Wheee!

Unfortunately I've been struggling like crazy to get back into the swing of things! Part of it is just re-establishing a routine and part of it is convincing myself to get out of bed when I'm sandwiched between the boys. It was way easier to get up in the morning when the bed was empty but now it's a warm cozy dog pile and i just don't want to leave it! But I am up this morning, drinking my pre-workout and deciding what I want to do. I want to start doing more strongman/crossfit (yuck!) style workouts but I'm bored with basic lifting soooo....new plan! I'm going to start by following end of three fitness wod. Wish me luck!

Just wanted to post a quick update. I'm still battling this damn cold but it's not terrible anymore so I'm going to ease myself into working out again. By running sprints. Hahaha.

This week has done anything but gone by the plan so far. Food wise I haven't done too bad but I haven't worked out at all, except for class Monday morning and about 30 minutes of learning new songs yesterday. My lungs are in some serious pain so I've been avoiding pissing them off more. I'm currently gearing up to go workout this am though. Pretty sure I'm going to regret that the second that 28* air hits my lungs, but I'm going to try! I've been doing my 15 minutes of reading and 10 minutes of meditating. So at least I can do that while sick. Emotionally, I've been on a roller coaster ride since L has been staying with us this week. I don't know why my brain can't just accept being happy but all I can do is be sad and worried. I'm not sure if anyone realizes this, but poly is fucking hard sometimes. Having to deal with your lovers looking for other lovers is overwhelming at times. At least for me. I'm not a naturally polyamorous person. I definitely lean more toward the monogamous side of things as far as how my emotions are wired. I understand that everyone, even people who are just poly people, experience feelings of jealousy and envy but there are times for me that I feel like I am going to drown on the dread that comes with seeing a lover giving that sexual attention to another person. Most of that is insecurity. I still don't feel good enough. I probably never will. I will probably always struggle with inadequacy. I don't know. I'm rambling. I just....I want to be enough. I've never been enough for anyone, ever, and I just would like to experience being somebody's everything. A lot of this also stems from the fact that while I understand having casual relationships outside of a primary type relationship, I still don't understand the point of having a serious relationship. And L has definitely entered into serious relationship status with us. I just don't see how we could have a future. And that on top of it being largely a secret for all involved parties plus just not having any real ties, as in he could just decide to walk away and pull the floor out from under me one day....it's hard. I struggle with trusting that he's genuine right now and not just in it for easy sex and a boredom buster. It's hard for me to trust that he actually loves me. I guess that's what it comes down to. Alright....and with that large amount of rambly crazy thoughts....pre-workout kicked in so I'm off to train legs. Wish me luck in the cold >.<