BeautifulBeast

I go back and forth on it in regards to the kids. On one hand I feel like it will negatively effect them if word ever got out and one day come back and hurt them. On the other hand I feel like we are building them into accepting adults who will one day understand more about love and relationships and human sexuality than the average joe. Which is a good thing imo because I don't want my children to be afraid of sex and intimacy like I am!

I don't think there's really a definitive answer for that. The way I see it, there's no right way to do anything. Try not to get caught up in general labels and instead ask the individual what the label means to them since it does vary from person to person and even geographically. I have a friend who when he moved here called himself 'queer' but changed that to pansexual after about a month because in our area pansexual is the common term for being drawn to everyone but where he came from, people called that queer.

I love the people never follow my script ordeal. That's my problem too. I would love a secondary relationship but it just seems too messy and too much work. I already have enough drama with my marriage, do I really need another relationship to deal with? Lol! As far as couple dating goes....oh boy. Been there and it did NOT end well. Basically the wife was trying to dump her husband off on me (the new to this very reluctant and cautious one) so she could have more time with her boyfriend and realized the way to do that was through my husband. My hubby got attached to her but I never really clicked with her husband and when I expressed my intrest in just being friends with them she dropped my husband completely. It was more complicated than that but there's the hallmark version ;-) Hell, that may not have been what she was actually doing but it's sure what it felt/looked like from out end! I try to remind myself that it wasn't the dynamics fault but a crappy person. And every relationship model has crappy people. When a mono couple break up people don't blame monogamy. ...sorry rambling. Back to reading I go!

I had a wonderful morning yesterday. I wish I had sat down and wrote about it before now, but I choose to just ride through the day and wait on the writing. I went for my usual run yesterday morning, just 3 miles still this week, and as I was running my thoughts turned spiritual thanks to the combination of songs that was shuffled into my watch. I came home, stretched and then settled into a long (for me) meditation. I felt so...peaceful. I spent both the run and the meditation forgiving people. I have a lot of grudges that I hold onto. I am terrible about grasping anger and not letting go. I spent some time yesterday letting go of some of that. Most importantly, I started to forgive myself. Mostly for being the way I am. I told myself it's okay, I've done the best I can with what I've been offered and I reassured myself that I can change. I can change the things in this life that upset me. I can change my anti-social ways. I can shape my life. I remember reading Eat, Pray, Love. There's a part towards the end of the book when Liz is happy with all that her life has become and she's reflecting on a story she was told about how an oak tree comes to be. The acorn is obviously a major player but also that it's the future oak tree, tall and proud, that is willing it's sapling self forward. As if, even though the sapling doesn't know what it will become, the tree knows it will get there and is working to find it's destined form. I know I'm probably explaining that poorly but I feel this way. So much. I had a rocky start to life, most of us orphaned types do. I considered all sorts of extreme measures throughout my adolescence. But there was some voice in the back of my head, some phantom friend in my dreams, urging me on. Encouraging me in ways I didn't find from those around me. Keeping my feet on the ground and moving forward. Like some part of me knew I'd end up in this life. Surrounded by my little family that loves me. Finally having a place that feels like home. On the other side of that coin, I feel like even though things are still unsettled and can be tough at times I have to stick with it. Plow right through the unknown because I'm waiting on the other side. Happy and balanced. Just waiting for the storm to clear and for whatever is going to happen, however the mess that I've created will end. I've also been spending a lot of time listening to A Fine Frenzy's song Grasses Grow. The lyrics of that dang song cut deep to my heart. But most recently the lyrics: But Then the test/is to let yourself be still/ staying doesn't always have to hurt. have stuck with me. Just this week alone I've heard or read some version of that multiple times. At least 4 that I can think of. As someone who jumps around from thing to thing, always looking for something new to do, always searching for an activity and never just sitting still for anything.... it means something. Once upon a time I was a big believer of signs and answers. I feel like I'm supposed to be listening to the lyrics of this song. Like there is some secret there. Everywhere I look lately there are examples of it in my life. My mother in law pointed out a plant I gave her a year or so ago. It's one of those orchids you just add ice to. She has it sitting on top of a vintage radio thing next to a window in her dining room. As she was pointing out how well it was growing and how large it has gotten, I noticed something. The plant has turned and stretched itself to get closer to the window near it. The shoot with it's many flowers at a precarious angle, reaching. Things grow towards the light looking to find what they've been looking for.....

Happy challenge day! Let's rock this one, k?

A reminder. I am the only one who has my best interest in heart. The only one guaranteed to love myself is me. I am enough for me. I am the only one worthy of my whole self. Of my whole heart. Only I can bring myself happiness. Only. Me. That's all I need.

Official day 1 of the 'in between' went well. Lost some of the water weight I've been carting around and I'm back down to 164. Hoping to get under 160 again! I'm still not in the greatest head space but I'm working on it. there's just so many things that need to change in order for me to be happy and I'm not sure I'm brave enough to change them all. I'm trying my best to work from the inside out but it's not nearly that simple.

Alrighty! Edited to make prettified and define my goals. Also added a tracking chart. Eventually I will add how I will grade each goal. Rather than waiting I'm going to start now with my typical pre-challenge attempt to get into it. I'm pretty nervous & excited for this one. I NEED this challenge. I've been so far off with eating and also just mentally not with it. I need to get back to myself and I'm hoping focusing on ME this time around will do it.

I may need to add an alcohol limit to this as well. I've learned that I can drink rum and coke until my face turns blue and still be fine to wake up at 5am and workout. I have a feeling some of the weight I've gained could be blamed on this discovery! Maybe need to cut back to one drink a week instead of one (or more) a day! Lol!

I found this song sometime last month and it's stuck with me pretty well. I'm really great at fitting myself into other people's needs but along the way I forget to worry about my own needs. I'm a mom, a housewife and occasionally a trainer. My days are focused on giving other people what they need. Some days I feel like my every moment is dedicated to making other people's lives better and I get lost in that. This challenge I want to take time to focus on me and I want to start forgiving myself for being human and having emotions. It's something I seriously struggle with. If I have a bad day, I beat myself up because clearly I'm not allowed to have bad days. So while none of my goals are directly related to the song, off screen I am working on these things and I feel like this is my theme song right now. I have decided not to do a marathon this fall, but I will most likely do another half. I see myself resenting running if I forced myself to do a really super long run every weekend. I like to run for an hour, anything more than that and I get bored and have difficulty getting out the door. What I want to do is learn to box or mma style fighting. I want to do a mudder. Maybe even a sprint tri. Maybe. Those things seem like fun to me. Running for 4 hours straight? Not so much. And as a friend of mine said recently 'If you don't want to do it. Don't. There's no rule saying you have to run a marathon." What you WONT see from me this challenge is fitness related things. I pretty much have that covered at this point. I look forward to my workouts and I feel like it would be cheating for me to put something like "workout everyday." or whatever as a goal. I don't need that. I'm happy with my progress, I'm happy with my routine. Next challenge I will probably have something fitness related in the form of mixing it up, however for now I need to focus on the basics. You can't build a tall tower if the foundation is cracked and shaky. I need to patch up my foundation before I can work on adding more levels. Main quest: Nutrition! I eat like crap. I'm on a see food diet. If I see it, I eat it. For real. I eat enough for an army. Mostly sugary junky food that upsets my stomach. Time to stop the shenanigans! goal 1: Clean up dinner/meal plan Last challenge I learned a good lesson. If I don't think too much about what I am eating, I tend to make better choices and not over eat. My breakfasts, lunch and afternoon snack have become autonomous. I don't think I could make dinner the same every night, but I can make a meal plan-and stick to it! goal 2: no more eating out! Yup. Pretty self explanatory. This is both for my health and for budget reasons. This needs to stop. So no more! goal 3: eating after dinner. Don't. Or if I NEED to, I can have one of my 85% dark chocolate deliciousness bars. I'm going to toss alcohol in here as well since that happens after dinner a few times a week at this point. I will allow myself ONE drinking night a week. One. Damn rum. Side quests: side quest 1: Meditation. 'Me time!' I need to get back to meditating. I feel so off center lately. 5minutes a day for the first three weeks and up it to 5 minutes twice a day for the second three weeks. Side quest 2: Only Human This one will be hard to track and grade but I need to do it. It has to do with three parts even. Be social. Forgive myself. Try new things. Basically, allow myself to be more than the robotic parent I have forced myself to become to 1. survive an odd lifestyle and 2. make everyone else around me believe I'm awesome. I am awesome. I don't need to build a shiny exterior for that to be true. I just need to stop letting fear win and let the awesome shine through! Tracking Sheet

I haven't decided 100% what I will be doing. Nutrition for sure. Probably some meditation. I want to throw in a social aspect but those aren't really trackable or at least are difficult to quantify. I know I need to do something with nutrition though, hopped on the scale this am and I'm at 167.8 Not a pretty number to see when in January I was floating around 153! So I've gained about 15 pounds in the last 6 months I'm pretty discouraged right now!

Points for this challenge are Sta- +3 Con- 6.75 Wis- 3 And an extra point awarded for mini challenge sooo....I'll throw that into Strength. I have put on quite a bit of muscle lately and have been seeing heavier weight each workout! Yay for gains bahaha!!

Keep thinking about C&Ping this over but have been too lazy to actually do it! Big goal of running/stretching/mobility- all the yeses! I don't think I missed a single run and I stretched and mobilized most every day. Yay for building new habits! This is what I needed to get into the swing of things with running, I HAVE to run every day, or nearly so. When I miss a few days in a row, I keep finding excuses to not run. Lesson learned, greatness achieved! Ha! A's for all parts! Nutrition- Oh boy. Not so great here. Did not get back towards paleo but I did establish a better lunch & afternoon snack routine and learned that I NEED consistency here as well and gave myself something to grow on for the next challenge. Soooo D? Not a complete failure but pretty damn close Life stuff- my life stuff became irrelevant pretty early on and I pretty well ignored it, but that's not saying I didn't do home improvement stuff despite not caring about this leg of the challenge. I got the garden planted, pond up and running with fish and everything, grape vinyard ordeal set up, bought a new coffee table that looks awesome and have just cleaned and decluttered my little heart out thanks to the kids birthday party. I'm throwing in an A here as well because I got a lot done over the last 6 weeks!

So end of challenge quick wrap up. Big goal of running/stretching/mobility- all the yeses! I don't think I missed a single run and I stretched and mobilized most every day. Yay for building new habits! This is what I needed to get into the swing of things with running, I HAVE to run every day, or nearly so. Lesson learned, greatness achieved! Ha! A's for all parts! Nutrition- Oh boy. Not so great here. Did not get back towards paleo but I did establish a better lunch & afternoon snack routine and learned that I NEED consistency here as well and gave myself something to grow on for the next challenge. Soooo D? Not a complete failure but pretty damn close Life stuff- my life stuff became irrelevant pretty early on and I pretty well ignored it, but that's not saying I didn't do home improvement stuff despite not caring about this leg of the challenge. I got the garden planted, pond up and running with fish and everything, grape vinyard ordeal set up, bought a new coffee table that looks awesome and have just cleaned and decluttered my little heart out thanks to the kids birthday party. I'm throwing in an A here as well because I got a lot done over the last 6 weeks!

2 back & bicep days = plenty of bent over bar rows & one arm rows ;-)

Just wanted to pop in and say things are going well. I wrote a big long ordeal for another website that I may share here as well. I think my next challenge is going to be nutrition focused and have a secondary focus of me trying to be a better person, lol. I'll explain after I post the thing I wrote ;-)

I left hubs about 2 years ago now. It was brief and obviously we got back together but he knows I would do it if I was pushed too far. He knows I'm not that same broken kid he originally was able to bully around.

I have a million things to say (who me? Never!) but I need to workout so I will keep it brief. I am torn. Torn between a life I wish I had had. A life I do have. My own stupid emotions and a life I could have. In my head I know how great this lifestyle could be. I see how much happiness and love that it can bring a person but my heart is struggling. My childhood was...rough. And that is making itself known in terrible ways right now. Like I told hubs yesterday "I just want to feel like I'm enough, just once in my life." But small victory, bought Nutella yesterday, still have half a jar sitting on the counter this morning! And that's even with me being a drunk skunk last night! I'm getting better at this will power thing. Of course the extreme heart burn I've had the last couple of days probably has something to do with it. But hey, small victory!

The emotions I've been trying to sift through have me sick. Literally sick. I've had heartburn since yesterday evening and I tossed and turned all night because of it. I'm just, lost. Completely. There are moments that I feel like I can make it through this, that I can be alright with my husbands choices and even make some of my own. But more often, I'm just sad and angry. I wonder if that's why he feels the need. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends. Maybe I'm just always angry. Always sad. Maybe no one wants to be around someone like that. I've improved my exterior but what if the interior is just too far gone? What if who I was, what I've been through, was just too much for me to come back from? I love my kids. I love this life that we've created, my husband and I. But I don't feel like I belong in it. I feel like I'm just holding someone's place until they find their way here and then I can go fade quietly into the background somewhere. Some big city, with a small job, and a small apartment. Somewhere that I'm just part of the scenery. Just a small fish. Somewhere that it doesn't matter that I'm an awful human being, because no one can ever be close enough to me for it to matter. That's the life I always planned on having. It's the life I needed. And yet I found myself here, in this one. With people who rely on me emotionally. Who rely on my ability to love them and receive that love. More and more I'm convinced that I'm not capable of that. I'm just sick of playing this part. I'm tired in ways someone my age shouldn't be. Life hasn't ever been fair to me, I don't know why it would be now. Why it would make my happy ending easy or enjoyable in anyway. All I can think is I never wanted to be married. I never wanted this life. And yet, I got married, had the babies. And look how it's turned out! The most complicated, difficult relationship I could have ended up in. Me heartbroken, in an empty bed. One thing I've always known. Marriage, or love in general, is supposed to make you better. Or at least bring out the best in you. I don't feel like I bring out the best in anyone. I've always known I am not able to play that role. Which is why I never wanted this life. And then on top of all that's happening on the marriage front, yesterday was my kid's birthday party. Which means it was one of the few days I have to deal with family. Specifically, mine. Yesterday wasn't bad, but it always brings up bad emotional shit. And I was left to shovel it on my own after. Reminds me of where some of these walls came from. Some of the resistance to affection and intimacy. A lot of it came from the people I was raised with. Some of it came from the last 7 years I've spent with a controlling and sometimes emotionally abusive lover, but even that I take blame for. I have always just let him treat me that way. I should have walked away when it was easier. Before the house, two kids, two dogs and a cat. Before my path became so completely entangled with his. But right from the start he found the weaknesses my family had created in me, found them and used them against me. I just keep wondering how much further. How much longer do I have to wander down this road until I can throw up a flag and say I'm done? When can I finally admit that this isn't working for me? This life. Not just poly, though that takes a special toll, but all of it. When can I walk my own path? But today is not the day I can walk away, perhaps never. I think I'm too far gone for that. So I will keep walking. Keep dancing through the motions with a smile plastered to my face. And maybe I can't fix the interior but I can make the exterior as strong as the walls that keep everyone out. I can control how the world sees me, so that's what I'm going to do. Keep up the facade. Keep wondering how the hell I let myself fall into this life and keep pretending I'm not broken beyond repair, because what else can I do?

So yesterday I went to a WERQ class. -If you haven't tried WERQ and there's a class near you, do it. It's amazing- Anyway, I went to a class back in January, and absolutely fell in love. Just head over heels, had a sky parting clouds moment. I want to do this. I want to get up in front of people, throw a big smile on my face and hop around like a goof ball. I want to share this kind of fun with others. So I started to look into it, cautiously. I still need to take my group cert test. But I see this as a good way to put all these certs I'm collecting to good use. I even have a plan. A legitimate, doable plan. So last night, there was an open to the public drop in class in a neighboring town. After searching all day for a reason not to go, I found myself standing awkwardly in the middle of the pack waiting for the music to start. Once it did, I got lost in the music, even though my calves were screaming and the pork chop and kale I had for dinner threatened to come back, I danced the hell out of that class lol. At the end of the class I thought 'Awww, fuck it' and went up and introduced myself to the instructors. Just went for it. The one I like to think of as the 'head instructor' since she brought it into this area chatted with me about certification and everything and even told me that I had a lot of energy and kept drawing attention during class haha. That I stood out. She seemed excited and said that I seem to have it all thought out, I definitely have whatever spark it takes to be an instructor and that short of getting certified for it, I am ready. Not only am I happy for her words, things that just reaffirmed what I was feeling but I am damn proud of myself for going up and talking to them. A year ago, that would not have happened. Even 6 months ago, when I took the class in January, I was shy and stood in the back the whole class before rushing out the door the second the music stopped. Something has changed in me. Something wonderful. Something I've felt changing for months now and last night just confirmed it for me. I don't have to be who I've always been. I can shape my life and myself to be what I want. I'm shy, introverted and have aspergers but that doesn't mean I have to let those things define me. I also was once strongly a 'type-b' personality type. I was also once in the 'obese' bmi category. Once upon a time I couldn't even run a quarter of a mile. I don't have to sit back and let life be lived for me, in fact I refuse to. I have flaws and shortcomings but I am learning to work around those and chase down my dreams. And for the first time, I actually feel like I can do this. Now to just get my personal life sorted out.... /sigh.

Haha, I can just see my children using me as a trampoline. They sure would find it a fun game lol! Exercise is probably my best way to control feeling out of control, which is why I workout 2-3 times a day and stay active the other hours of the day. Like digging in the garden, mowing grass, cleaning floors active. Activity keeps me happy. Took me long enough to figure that out! I would suggest checking out a full body 2-3 times a week program doing 12-15 reps with a weight that leaves your muscles fatigued. I usually stick in the 3-4 set range, usually the 4th set for me is a drop set. I'd say start with the more 'classic' moves, push-ups, chest press, tri-dips, kickbacks, bicep curls, shoulder work, rows, squats, lunges, deadlifts etc. Build up strength and stamina and then maybe start converting the full body workouts into a split schedule (or not, totally up to you!) and focusing on a different body part every session and increasing the weights, and maybe your arsenal of equipment over time. But I've found 12-15 x 3 sets tends to be a great starting point.

The past couple of days have been better. I've ran, stretched, mobilized, cleaned and organized and gardened (even got the grape vineyard up, hazaa!) aaaaand ate at least somewhat Paleo. I did make some cookies, but today is day 3 of them in the house and there's still close to a dozen left! I didn't eat through them all in 24 hours like normal! I even had a mashed banana with a bit of chocolate granola stuffs on it yesterday evening instead of going for the cookies. Flexing my will power muscle. I'm currently focusing on making my lunch and afternoon snack automatic the way my breakfast is. every day after I work out I make 3 eggs, 2 bacon and kale or banana pancakes (3 eggs and a banana blended and cooked like pancakes). I'm working on lunch always being 4-6 oz of chicken breasts or fish, sweet potato and a veggie and snack being an apple and nut butter. After a couple of weeks I will start working on dinner and night time snack. But, baby steps. If I make it so I don't have to think about what I'm eating it's easier to not binge. If I know at noon we feast on the boobs of a chicken! I wont be tempted to also eat an entire cake. In theory.

As luck would have it, today is back and biceps day for me! Not that I'm too excited, back is the one body part I don't enjoy working, for whatever reason. But I will row, row, row my boat this morning!

My butt looks waaaaay better now, trust me! Put on some tight jeans and heels and even I can't keep my hands off ;-P I am coming to terms with the type A personality that I've become but my life, particularly my lifestyle choices, generally leaves me feeling all sorts of emotions and the more emotional I get and the more out of my control things are the stronger the urge is for me to reign it all in and control the situation. I've tried meditation, and while I know it helped some, I still just felt like I sat there and obsessed over everything. Everything I've done wrong, everything that could go wrong. I keep telling myself I need to get back to it, and maybe I will.

Random middle of the day, middle of a crappy week, thoughts.... Sometimes I feel like the only time I am free is while I am running. It's the only time my mind really shuts off and I am able to stop worrying, stop obsessing over everything that is wrong and just focus on the moment. All that matters while I run is controlling my breathe and the rhythm of my feet pounding along the ground. The rest just fades into the background and I feel peaceful and alive. For at least 30 minutes, 5 times a week I feel really and truly alive. Not the robotic world of grey I have come to live in but heart pounding, chest burning, adrenaline flowing life. But before I know it, the miles are behind me, my legs are still and the color is draining back to gray. My heart goes back to clicking mechanically and I through the motions until I can run again.