Emissary2Ornj

Have tried to update several times and couldn't seem to put it together. Here's a hodge-podge: THEMES winding down our time here Maintain lowest possible functional levels until we leave (food & movement). recup'ing form the Ick fall is beautiful I need/want some serious walking just-me time. Put the phone down! Communication exchange: authentic self-expression (fearless) instead of passive-aggressive digs (fearful) Body fuel: whatever is available; some good choices, some less than. That's okay for now. Movement: walks, sometimes stretches; mobility is decreasing b/c lack of attention. That's okay for now. I scheduled an extra day off last week and came down with a severely sore throat and severely irritated sinuses. Worked two days, became fevered, tested Covid-positive. Off the rest of the week. Scheduled to go back tomorrow, having tested negative and feeling MUCH better. Whew - don't remember a sore throat like that since I was a kid and was having them nearly constantly with mono. Fall is amazing. I enjoyed a loooooong walk yesterday (my calves are enjoying it today, after several days' inactivity previously). I am very ready for the opportunity to spend time alone and recharge. Don't know exactly when that's going to happen but I am trying to prepare my husband that it really does need to happen at some point. I'm maintaining, and still able to enjoy interaction with him at the moment, but the capacity is very, very low. I see this as being normal given the summer of work I've put in. That nighttime phone habit has started back again. Pretty impressed with the earlier stint I had - over three months' of no nighttime phone usage. So I can do it again. Coloring squares in my journal helps. My communication styles have been on my mind for a while. (These things often come to awareness slowly with me; it's best not to rush or force them.) Right now I'm at the stage where all the ideas are swirling together, and we'll see what gels. Ideas: awareness of passive-aggressive style, why I use it (fear), what I'm afraid of (lack of control), whose behavior/words/actions am I actually responsible for? (just mine; whew, that's a relief), what else do I fear (powerlessness), passive-aggressive style is not authenticity or speaking truth, Matt 12:34 "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh," 1 Peter 3:10 "For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:" and likely some other as yet unknown things. This phase seems to move at lava lamp-speed. No hurry; let it be. A sore throat makes for very painful speaking, and really concentrated my thoughts on how to be careful about what I say, and how to use my words to authentically express my needs, and to nobly get what I want instead of through manipulation or deceit. Communication is probably the single biggest challenge of my adult life (Isn't in everybody's like, top 5, at least?). This past summer made me aware of some concerning behaviors in this area, and that sore throat kind of increased the feeling of urgency to deal with it. I'm glad for awareness, and the ability to change/improve.

Oh, wow - so many fist pumps from me for you this challenge! This one is huge. My dad made some career changes during my early 20s and was out of work a couple times, sometimes for many months. I think there was so much energy spent during that time - figuring stuff out (both dialing in on his values for a job AND working the finances to keep the household going), job searching, and then just them supporting each other (Mom was amazing, but at what cost?). I am REALLY glad to hear a job has been secured, and there is definitely nothing wrong with it being looked at as a stepping stone to further opportunities. This was probably one of the two most empowering things I woke up to when I began examining where my deepest personal beliefs and mental/emotional habits came from. The other was realizing I wasn't born with those habits; I learned them from somewhere, in response to what was going on around me. I think of my thought-patterns as "brain tracks" or "ruts". My brain prefers the path of least resistance. So it uses the well-worn tracks. But it's AMAZING to know I can forge new ones.

YES! *fist pump* Really glad it seems to be working. Many things ebb and flow, including the time/energy available for involvement in our favorite things like cheering on fellow nerds. That is life, and it's as it should be.

Mental exhaustion continues; it's started to affect self-perception/-esteem and how much energy I have to give to the spousal relationship, self care, getting quality nutrition, etc. Fuel quality has somewhat decreased - the ratio of junk to quality food has increased. I'm going for easiest, low effort meals. This includes instant noodle bowls to which I add protein and veggies. I'm in minimal-maintenance mode. I'm not able to enjoy every experience to the fullest right now; I'm doing what I can to finish out the season in the best state possible. That's not to say I can't take pleasure in things, but my capacity for enjoyment is kind of shallow right now. It's an interesting lens to experience the world through, and I'm glad it's transient.

Rooting for you! With deep admiration for that coveted ability to respect and express your needs.

The pace has slowed down a bit, but I'm still tired. The store has finally gotten less busy. We actually have slower times now. There's plenty of work still, but there's actually time to catch up and the amount of back stock needed has somewhat lessened. Therefore, it's easier to deal with and actually work through in between freight loads. Otherwise nothing much has changed. I'm in the grace period of supporting myself as best I can given my energy levels, and not worrying too much about the particulars. Drinking plenty of water with tea or decaf coffee here and there. Taking a bowl of rice or quinoa, baked & mashed sweet potato, some vegetable, and a bit of protein for most lunches; a dash of soy sauce adds flavor. My norm is eating a few processed foods here and there - I keep potato chips on hand, and supplement or replace my lunch maybe 4-7 times a month with some manufactured quick food out of the freezer section. Pork egg rolls, or a cheap burrito. This is acceptable for now. Fall-type weather usually shows up in August, and several signs say it's arrived. Rain, cooler temps, the fireweed, grasshoppers and late summer insects - it's nice. Trying to enjoy it all (especially since the clock is winding down on probably our final summer here), but the mental "fuzz" inhibits that a bit. Still sleeping through the night; loving that.

Woohoo! On board, encouraging the Li'l Watcher re-charge.

I agree! I know it's relative, but yeah - thrift store prices seem to have trended up pretty much everywhere we've been. Glad you had the strength to have a hard conversation, and glad it was heard without the defenses getting tripped. Also proud of you for not turning to the easy comfort of more alcohol than you like during all that.

I've been wanting more veggies lately, and have really been enjoying spaghetti squash in my lunches this week. I think it's been a big fiber boost. I have a butternut squash on hand; that may get cooked on my off day next week. I've been tweaking my veggie-to-meat ratio in my lunches. More beans and squash, plus the usual kale. Occasionally some chicken or a cut up hot dog. Actually had a couple slower days at work; this enabled me to get some extra organization and catch-up work done. I am getting fatigued - the early July holiday rush was brutal. We have two more major holidays in this region before the season's over. If I can, I need to focus on mobility. I'm getting plenty of activity and plenty of heavy lifting. Coordination, movement control, and flexibility don't get purposefully practiced, so I get stiff pretty easily once I'm home and resting. I still enjoy walks many evenings to unwind and get some purposeful movement in but mobility work hasn't been consistent. I think if I aim for a minimal amount daily it would help. I'm pretty mentally tired, so putting a constraint or schedule for myself is not the best practice right now. I'll use another method - probably gentle aiming at a general goal - to kindly nudge myself into this. Really happy to report that I've slept 41 nights without my phone. (What a world, and how it's changed! That statement would have made zero sense not so very long ago... .) I was using the phone for boredom and dopamine hits, and to help myself get drowsy to go to sleep. It became disruptive in a few different ways: 1. I was consistently waking up around 1am, reaching for the phone to read or scroll news or play Sudoku in order to fall back asleep, and then basically nap until morning. I was not getting quality rest. 2. I was consuming a lot of inane news. I was choosy as far as only reading a few articles here and there, but I was scrolling headlines habitually, still taking in a lot of drama and negativity. 3. The cult-ish religious sect I got out of several years ago is undergoing a crisis which is being documented online through various victim and ex-member support sites. I am so very happy to not be involved any longer, but following along has been like watching the metaphorical dumpster fire. I found it extremely difficult to "look away". So I was daily checking those sites for updates, and it became invasive/obsessive. I don't want all the hard work that's gone into obtaining my freedom to be undone. I most often used my phone to keep up, including during the night. Steps I took: I blocked all the cult sites (having my husband create a Screentime passcode which I don't know accomplished this without having to download/spend money on another app), and most of the news sites. I check in on the "dumpster fire" once a month. (Still flaming, as of the first of July). I categorized the sites and apps I visit/use by purpose (anti-boredome or dopamine hits) and listed some that I was free to use/visit any(day)time, and others I needed to limit or delete/block. I picked a couple reputable news sites to have access to, and I put my phone a good distance away at night, turning it off if I don't need the alarm the next morning. I allow myself to do whatever else I want on it, but I put it up before bedtime and don't reach for it until I'm awake for the day. I haven't gone completely screen-free: If I wake up and really, truly can't get back to sleep, I'll get on my laptop and do some offline Bible studying. Currently, this is an acceptable alternative. Definitely happy with the results so far. I plan to continue this as a life-habit. I want my future home's bedroom to be screen-free, and I'd rather get the behavior settled now. I have no set goal number, just a continuous line of squares I'm coloring in my planner journal.

This! I want serviceable, practical clothes that fit me. Buying mass-manufactured garments just doesn't get me there. Sewing my whole wardrobe myself is a hazy luxurious, not really serious dream - but the main thing is functionality and fit. We put up with a lot of mis-fit from off the rack stuff. I thrift most of my clothes now - and re-fit those if I need to. There's a BIG difference in wearing something that more-or-less fits versus something that's been made or tweaked very specifically to fit. I love that you're finding your core patterns! I hope to someday explore other pattern sources - there seems to be a big community online (IG) of people drafting fresh, fun patterns for all sorts of things. Edited to say The quilting looks great! Neat stitching pattern.

Popping in to say howdy, because many little things throughout your path look very familiar to me. Dunno if I can pick them all out, but here are a few: Adding dried fruit to energy bites? My fave no-bake granola bars include dates. Lots of yum. Here's the recipe. I'm also on a quest to care for my home space more routinely. I'm moving toward decreasing red meat intake and increasing veggies (in general) and legumes (specifically). Walking is amazing. Anyway - a delayed welcome (back) to you, and I appreciate you sharing your food log.

I did! Thanks for the reminder, b/c that email was a while back. I'll explore that further. Asked for and received permission to tweak my work schedule: I've split my days off so I never work more than 3 days in a row. Having a recovery day midweek means I have more energy for the last 3 days I work. Also, I'm not so exhausted on my days off that I can't enjoy them. Working 5 straight meant any off-day activity was done in a mostly-exhausted state. So far, this is a positive change. Yay for rest! Work is fascinating. Newest challenge: developing ways of training across language barriers, and training people how to train other people. A major barrier to training is what my boss calls "when someone's confidence exceeds their abilities". Another way of putting it is "they don't know that they don't know". It's interesting how this inhibits learning. It's not necessarily an ego thing - but it can be, I think. For my part, the biggest challenge is slowing down : purposely forgetting that I have a massive amount of work that needs done in order to make sure people are getting the knowledge that will empower them to be assets. All kinds of life-skill expansion going on over here. Complacency doesn't have a chance.

I'm very interested to read how this recipe turns out. I have one or two go-to sauces but I just don't have the extra motivation or energy these days to do more than shake some soy sauce over my lunch bowls. Always interested in basic, simple seasoning tweaks which change up the flavor!

Woohoo! Definitely an acceptable trade-off.

A brief update: A consistent workout schedule is really out the window. I'm getting plenty of physical activity at work - strength and motion, mostly - and really all I feel up to outside of that is a walk or two most days. I did enjoy a mobility session with a tiny bit of locomotion thrown in (a round of Bear, Crab, Monkey, and Frogger). Felt good. I wonder if I'll be restarting Elements instead of picking up where I left off when the time comes to revisit consistent workouts. I am somewhat disappointed at the idea, but at the very least I'll need to do a basic assessment to gauge where I am. Nutritionally, I feel like I'm eating quality food still. More bread and dairy, probably. It's a challenge to get the timing between meals right, and to not wolf down my food. Definitely a less leisurely lunch break than the previous job. Working on one mindset thing which I'll report on in the future.