Emissary2Ornj

First campsite workout this AM (of this trip). Conditions: gravel & dirt, slight slope, 34degF, sunrise Ponder: Thankful for light winter gloves' thin padding. Hands, fingers, and wrists had different stimuli than level carpet flooring. I can tell, hours after. Pleased I was able to work out despite missing a session yesterday. Awareness of working out in public always adds another dynamic. Haven't done it enough to ignore it yet. Also working out in extra layers changes feedback a little. Different stimuli, and different ability to focus on the movements.

Movement Recap reCycle Phases I & II (4 weeks) Problem: I lacked strength & coordination to perform Spiderman Prep and Basic Spiderman; elbows often felt sore, hamstrings and hips were continually tight, squat was restricted. I was spending a lot of time sitting at the sewing machine. I focused on Straight Leg Monkey and Bent-Arm locomotions; increased walks to 3/week, added a whole body mobility routine 3x/week, making sure to include elbow, hip, & foot/ankle work Spiderman reassessment: I am now able to perform a version of this. I love love love all the walking. Elbows and hips are less sore, hamstrings feel longer. Phase III (started 28 Feb) Picked a past session (Bear Leg Thread & Monkey Toe Pull) to re-start the prescribed Elements progression from. Increase Circuits to all 4 locomotions where necessary Use Bent-Arm variations where possible Continuing the same walking schedule, with thoughts toward how I might further increase them to 6/week. Continuing off-day mobility sessions, keeping wrist/elbow, hips, & hamstrings work for maintenance. Other movements/areas that need reassessed/switched up: Change out current neck stretch for a different one Reassess squat to see where restriction is; adjust foot/ankle work accordingly Consider adding a shoulder stretch. I started far enough back that it may take 5-6 weeks to reach the Spiderman workouts again. If I'm able to maintain this Phase for that long, I'll see how far I can go into the new sessions. I'll either continue or adapt. I'd like to walk every available day but I'm unsure how it would fit around Elements and into daily life. I will ponder the possibilities. Soon we'll be moving and I'll be focusing on a new routine and new settings. Phase III may get disrupted before completion. I am aware, and will adapt or abandon. It's amazing how the increased activity has affected my energy levels. I'm not hyper, but I'm able to do more during the day before I "nope!" Real-world benefit: it's resulted in my husband and I eating more home-cooked evening meals together, which is something I highly value. I still get tired, and I still get sore, but the stamina/endurance difference has been noticeable.

Mindset update (Movement update follows if you'd rather skip this one) Surrealness is watching your old cult implode. Triggers: cults, abuse, rant, heavy. I'm okay, lots of other people aren't.

We're planning on not going so far, but whether the next place will be longer term remains to be seen. Hoping, though! Won't be long till we're making those plans.

Sometimes we don't know our own strength. It's nice to have "mirrors". I appreciate the humility of today's #4! That's strength, too.

Consistency since Nov 16 (last graphic) (Graphics are satisfying.) Each line = 1 week ➰ = Elements session done 〰️ = missed session LI = Low Intensity session ➰(trying to do Elements sessions every day x Sabbath) ➰ 〰️➰LI〰️➰ ➰〰️➰〰️➰〰️ ( 〰️〰️〰️👣➰〰️ (took several days off to reset/reevaluate) ➰➰➰(began 3/week) ➰〰️➰ ➰➰➰ ➰➰➰ ➰➰〰️ ➰〰️👣〰️👣👣 (vacation) LI➰👣(resetting after vacation) ➰👣👣➰👣➰(reCycle phase initiated & committed to walking) ➰👣👣➰👣➰ reCycle Phase check-in: Going to spend 2 more weeks here. I want more time to explore Straight Leg Monkey, and build strength with Bent Arm movements. Besides choosing sessions with Bent-Arm movements built in, I can increase Bent-Arm work during Bear free-flow Play or modifying Push circuit Bear. Part 2a of the new phase I didn't mention last post is that my wrists/elbows and hips/hamstrings needed focused mobility attention. I lined up a head-to-toe off-day stretch routine (based on GMB stretches) and am making gains. A-frame-to-squat & modified pigeon stretch feel great on the hips. 2b is committing to a 30-minute walk habit. I have a 1.6mile go-to loop when we're here, and I really want daily or near-daily walking to be a habit. Enjoying this habit so far. Sleep is not uninterrupted or purely restful these days, and consistent physical activity seems to keep my physical energy topped up.

Movement: Elements consistent 3x/week until last week; we dodged the freeze to go south. Maintained consistent movement by walking trails and the beach. Back into Elements this week. Workout space has shrunk (furniture moved into the room) so I redid a recent session instead of the transition-heavy one originally scheduled. Assessment: I'm hitting limits for some of the new moves. Thoughts: I really like Long Legged Straight Leg Monkey and want to spend more time with it. High Monkey is very challenging. Spiderman = nope. Plan (tentative): Cycle through some recent sessions (i.e., hanging out at a challenging but doable level) for a while to build strength and confidence before moving on. Maybe pick 5 or 6 consecutive sessions to cycle through 2-3 times, then reassess. Edit from future me: officially named the reCycle Phase Rationale: I want to increase Bent-Arm strength (elbows!) before I add the complication of staggered hands and lower hips. Need more control in Basic Monkey before progressing with High. Long Legged Monkey is intriguing and very challenging, and I want to spend more time exploring it. This plan fits well with the workout space changing, too, since I won't be adding new transitions. Caveats: All this assumes we're staying put for another month or so... I expect it won't be terribly long before it'll be job hunt time....

Checking into your current version of the (usually challenging, sometimes wild, almost never boring) ride of life with some virtual support. May you find or create every resource you need to prosper through this thing.

Movement: Steady with Elements. Skipped one day of movement this week - no mobility, no walk, no Elements. This felt good (like "Ahhhh, this is niiiice") for my body and brain, and also felt panicky (for that part of me that thinks I must not break a streak, ever. Elements hack: I like to choose the 15 minute version then stop the on-screen timer to work more on the Practice & Play movements. I keep my phone's stopwatch running to gauge how much longer I'm working. It usually ends up being 2-3 minutes per movement total. If I have time and am up for it, I add a second Push circuit. This hack gets me closer to an actual 30 minute workout than actually choosing the 1/2-hour option (which takes closer to 45 minutes), and I feel like I've actually spent quality time on the moves. Win! (I doubt I'm the first person to do this; but I haven't read about it yet so I'll put it out there.) Mindset: Better, whew. I mean, there are ups and downs, and triggers here and there, but better. There was definitely a period of disconnect/disengagement, and maaaaybe that's easing now? Today I got to go to town by myself and it felt amazing. Background: we're a one-vehicle family, and our one vehicle is a big noisy truck. I'm usually content to tag along with my husband if I need/want to go somewhere. But today I took his mom's car to pick up a few things at 3 different places, and it felt so normal. I might have to invoke wifey truck privileges more often. Project: Tunic is constructed! All that's left is installing fasteners for the front and each cuff. Buttons would be most normal, but I really don't want to deal with re-familiarizing myself with my machine's buttonholing feature. I choose snaps! And I think I'm going with pearl snaps. I really enjoyed this project, and I'm happy with how it turned out. I ended up adding a 3rd bold color into the mix and am much happier with the palette now. Hopefully it will be sturdy. I'd like to have about 5 more of these made.

Mindset: Well, that was a quick turnaround. Amazing what a little empathy can do - my husband shared that he didn't know I was going through the same thing until he heard/recognized something I said yesterday while trying to express my bewildered misery. Nothing has changed about our situation, but I feel more connected again where I was feeling very, very lonely and apart. Whew! Mobility twice this week. Modified pigeon stretch feels great on hips. Felt loose and strong after this morning's mobility session. Might have worked the shoulders a bit too much (increasing how much I load them when doing quadruped single shoulder rolls), but I want to build strength there. Stretching them after felt good. Project: Sewing up a tunic-length shirt. The thrifted sheet I wanted to use for fabric had holes and bleach spots on it 😕 so I had to use another color for the back panels. Oh, well - unique, right? I think I'll use that same contrasting color for collar (ha) and cuffs. or at least cuff button plackets... . Today was dart day. It is incredible how long it took to do 6 darts, measuring, marking, pressing, sewing, more pressing. Thanks to Evelyn Wood for her dart-sewing tips on YouTube. As usual, I'm winging it as I go - this pattern is based off a favorite deconstructed blouse that was not tunic-length to begin with. So I had to figure out what to do with the original darts. I ended up lengthening the front ones to the new hem, and mirroring the back ones so they taper at both ends to keep the full fabric width across the back hem. Another mod: I more or less doubled the height of the mandarin collar. Hope that works okay. Tomorrow I should be sewing shoulder, side, and sleeve seams.

Mindset: Struggling. Functioning but struggling. Workouts: 10 Elements sessions since November 16. Basically took a week off at one point. Took a pack walk or two. Experimented with working out in evening; didn't like, I rushed the sessions. Settling into 3 sessions a week, preferably 30 minute sessions each. Body fuel: getting better. Making and drinking more protein kale smoothies. Eating a few more veggies and less bread. The house is getting more consistent attention. The maintenance system seems to be working. Now I want to give more consistent attention to having at least one prepared meal ready for us more often. Current method is one of us batch cooking whenever we get low on cooked food. We just heat up whatever we want out of the fridge. Not a terrible system, but there's little routine, and we rarely sit down and eat a meal together. This is an area I can step up in and want to step up in. I want there to be more intention and planning from me here. It comes with a side quest: navigating cPTSD-rooted toxic shame and anxiety about spousal roles and how "adequately" I fulfill mine, among other things.

Daily Movement (out of possible days since last update): 🚀✖️🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀 Elements 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10: Complete (30 m, 15m, 30m, 15m, 30m, 30m) Mobility as needed, between Elements long sessions: once 1 pack walk: 1.5 miles, with extra hills It is working well to alternate Elements session durations. Wrist stamina is catching up quickly. LOTS of shoulder work today (Bear, Monkey, Bear-Monkey and Monkey-Bear transitions). Walk was downhill out and uphill back, about 20 min both ways.

Monday Mobility, shoulders & hips focus: Done Tuesday 1.6 mile Pack Walk: Done, 30 minutes Felt I needed to give my wrists/shoulders a day off, so opted for this. Glad I did. The hills were somewhat challenging, excellent. Elements 4 Crab F&B & Toe pulls 30 minutes: Done Could focus on down-and-back shoulders more specifically this time around. Again, I seem to be more relaxed about exploring the movements versus learning them. Building project: Done!!!!! minus 2 tiny tidying tasks. We're already using it and I love it. Other: pleased with how house maintenance schedule picked right back up. I haven't done everything on the list, but I've done several things, and I'm really pleased with the system. Self-education: There are 2 main areas of interest right now. Permaculture: Currently focused on soil-building and water harvesting (slowing & sinking) specifically. Permies.com is my main source right now. I've gathered enough underpants info to begin planning what I'll do once we have land of our own. C-PTSD: Revisiting this based on how hard I've been struggling against (almost crippling) shame and how stuck I've been in the Inner & Outer Critic pattern for several months now. My faith & Bible knowledge, Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving, and various podcast episodes are my current resources. I'm building on what I've already learned back when I first encountered the term and recognized myself in the symptoms (wow, that was a breakthrough!). In the interest of destigmatizing this stuff, I'm happy to answer questions about this topic, though I'm only an expert on my experience and no one else's. Already, I've learned a skill to head off the Caustic Critic thought pattern, and have practiced it a bit today. Food log; I'm giving this up for now. Logging everything I eat trips the "feel bad about self" switch really easily right now, so I'm going to back off. My fuel choices are probably around 50/50 clean/manufactured "quick" food - not in line with my values, but I'm managing to hang in there by getting a green protein shake in most days. I may do a modified, much more informal log here. Need to examine what the purpose of logging is for me.

Elements 3 Floating Tabletop and Tabletop Pull to Squat 30 minutes: Done TOE PULLS ARE SO HARD UGGGGGGHHHH. /whining *ahem* I'll be glad when my wrists get conditioned to the balancing work again. Not saying they were stellar before, but at least they were used to consistent practice. Left shoulder noticeably less strong than right. Most obviously in 3-point bridge. During Monkey Prep play, I focused on leaning forward more over my hands (working those wrists and getting a sense of balancing over them) and setting my shoulder blades. <-- That's not a tutorial cue that I know of but it felt more solid and comfortable to not hunch my shoulders. To clarify, this is a "rolling shoulders down and back" motion before I place hands to the side on the floor. The movement is more rolling forward over ankles instead of reaching the ground by lengthening arms/shoulders. Then shifting more weight over hands to get brain used to almost-inversion.

Elements 2 Squat assessment & Monkey Prep 15 minutes: Done I like this approach (doing back-to-back Elements sessions but taking the shorter option). I like how I'm not obsessing over understanding the movements perfectly this time around. Since I'm familiar with them (Monkey, for instance), I can notice how I'm loading my wrists or concentrate on tensing core muscles as if I was going to do the full movement. Wahoo, I got to focus on house stuff today. A bit of cleaning here and there but mostly meal prep for the next few days. Really nice to spend some time cooking again.

Elements 1 A-frame & Bear 30 minutes: Done Putting joints through unusual (for summer job) ranges of motion again feels great. Have I lost some shoulder strength in pushing back & down? Unsurprising. Hamstrings and calves are tight, wow. Hips will become less and less limiting as I'm consistent with stretches and movements. Decided not to change track from general to accelerated yet. Plan: Give myself the daily option to do the next Elements session if I want. Option B is a series of GMB-sourced stretches, based on weekly/daily needs (if stiff shoulders: include shoulder stretches; if hips are limiting; include hip work; etc) If I'm worried about time, these next-day sessions can be 15 minutes. Building project: Significant progress! Foundation, floor, 3 walls up and sided, 4th wall framed & door mostly hung. Remaining: Door header, roof joists, roof covered, roof sealed and shingled, 4th wall sided, seams caulked, exterior painted, steps built or placed, door cleaned & painted My role here is helper with occasional input. Input is mostly appreciated, especially if it prevents mistakes or encourages project manager to drink enough fluids. Always interesting dynamics, being the spouse but in the go-fer role. In short, humans are funny. I'm enjoying the time with the spouse and trying to learn by watching his methods. (I've constructed a few things before; always good to observe someone else with significant experience.) Project means I don't spend time/attention on home maintenance. Trade offs; oh, well. This is necessary for now.

Mega journey from Northwest to Southeast: completed! Arrived: yesterday Basic setup tasks: complete Incidental side quests: 1 complete (husband's mother's leaking hot H2O tank repaired; in-house hot showers now available), 1 initiated (small building project; plans made, space rearranged, materials obtained) Routines initiated: daily smoothie, Elements session/mobility session, Routines to initiate: house maintenance schedule, sleep routine, food log Readjustment to suburbia: not even close to complete. Culture shock is real. Jarringly obvious we are no longer in beautiful forests near mountains, in a much more populated region (at every scale: region, state, county, city/town, neighborhood).* Current self-parenting themes: "You'll never wish you worried more," and the awareness of how much I allow brain's fear of what might happen overshadow the glorious experience of what is happening. (I am so extremely tired of that fear default, and I refuse to let my life be dictated and crippled by it.) Summer shine: I got to exercise my organizational/managerial skills this summer, and it felt amazing. I basically got to have my way with the dairy/meat section of a brand new small/intimate grocery store - organizing, stocking, coordinating with managers, training new stockers, coordinating with other section leaders, giving feedback on which products were moving/not moving. I got to design systems and workflows, and implement them with my coworkers then see how they organically changed as needed. My experience and opinions and voice were valued. Wow. That's heady stuff.** Elements assessment Hips limited throughout, as you'd expect after all the time spent sitting on our recent trip. Felt good, as always. Glad I assessed instead of starting where I left off. Looking forward to getting at it. Impatient brain wonders if I can do a 30-minute session every day. Life and reasonable brain will likely win out: 3 days a week plus plenty of walks and mobility work on off days is proven to get results, and plenty ambitious. Just remembered I need to explore the 3 different tracks now offered in Elements. Also now I may have time to explore the new Elements+ thing. *A friend told me this past summer, viewing the pictures I shared with her and reading the stories I told her of our time, "These are the halcyon days of your life. Be sure to love them dearly." I experienced them as deeply as I knew how, and as far as my senses and attention would let me.... There is definitely a pang now - not of regret, but the knowledge of something now out of reach. I didn't dream it. I didn't dream it. I lived it, and it was a treasure. Loss and letting go - never easy, is it? **The balance/shadow side of all that is I'm really glad the job has only been seasonal: investing that much of myself into a retail job year-round is not in line with my values. I want my time and energy balance leaning more toward personal life. I haven't yet been able to dial down caring so much about the job I do.... so I'd rather not have the job all the time and be able to focus on the areas of life that are my foundation. In short, humans are funny.

Have tried to update several times and couldn't seem to put it together. Here's a hodge-podge: THEMES winding down our time here Maintain lowest possible functional levels until we leave (food & movement). recup'ing form the Ick fall is beautiful I need/want some serious walking just-me time. Put the phone down! Communication exchange: authentic self-expression (fearless) instead of passive-aggressive digs (fearful) Body fuel: whatever is available; some good choices, some less than. That's okay for now. Movement: walks, sometimes stretches; mobility is decreasing b/c lack of attention. That's okay for now. I scheduled an extra day off last week and came down with a severely sore throat and severely irritated sinuses. Worked two days, became fevered, tested Covid-positive. Off the rest of the week. Scheduled to go back tomorrow, having tested negative and feeling MUCH better. Whew - don't remember a sore throat like that since I was a kid and was having them nearly constantly with mono. Fall is amazing. I enjoyed a loooooong walk yesterday (my calves are enjoying it today, after several days' inactivity previously). I am very ready for the opportunity to spend time alone and recharge. Don't know exactly when that's going to happen but I am trying to prepare my husband that it really does need to happen at some point. I'm maintaining, and still able to enjoy interaction with him at the moment, but the capacity is very, very low. I see this as being normal given the summer of work I've put in. That nighttime phone habit has started back again. Pretty impressed with the earlier stint I had - over three months' of no nighttime phone usage. So I can do it again. Coloring squares in my journal helps. My communication styles have been on my mind for a while. (These things often come to awareness slowly with me; it's best not to rush or force them.) Right now I'm at the stage where all the ideas are swirling together, and we'll see what gels. Ideas: awareness of passive-aggressive style, why I use it (fear), what I'm afraid of (lack of control), whose behavior/words/actions am I actually responsible for? (just mine; whew, that's a relief), what else do I fear (powerlessness), passive-aggressive style is not authenticity or speaking truth, Matt 12:34 "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh," 1 Peter 3:10 "For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:" and likely some other as yet unknown things. This phase seems to move at lava lamp-speed. No hurry; let it be. A sore throat makes for very painful speaking, and really concentrated my thoughts on how to be careful about what I say, and how to use my words to authentically express my needs, and to nobly get what I want instead of through manipulation or deceit. Communication is probably the single biggest challenge of my adult life (Isn't in everybody's like, top 5, at least?). This past summer made me aware of some concerning behaviors in this area, and that sore throat kind of increased the feeling of urgency to deal with it. I'm glad for awareness, and the ability to change/improve.

Oh, wow - so many fist pumps from me for you this challenge! This one is huge. My dad made some career changes during my early 20s and was out of work a couple times, sometimes for many months. I think there was so much energy spent during that time - figuring stuff out (both dialing in on his values for a job AND working the finances to keep the household going), job searching, and then just them supporting each other (Mom was amazing, but at what cost?). I am REALLY glad to hear a job has been secured, and there is definitely nothing wrong with it being looked at as a stepping stone to further opportunities. This was probably one of the two most empowering things I woke up to when I began examining where my deepest personal beliefs and mental/emotional habits came from. The other was realizing I wasn't born with those habits; I learned them from somewhere, in response to what was going on around me. I think of my thought-patterns as "brain tracks" or "ruts". My brain prefers the path of least resistance. So it uses the well-worn tracks. But it's AMAZING to know I can forge new ones.

YES! *fist pump* Really glad it seems to be working. Many things ebb and flow, including the time/energy available for involvement in our favorite things like cheering on fellow nerds. That is life, and it's as it should be.

Mental exhaustion continues; it's started to affect self-perception/-esteem and how much energy I have to give to the spousal relationship, self care, getting quality nutrition, etc. Fuel quality has somewhat decreased - the ratio of junk to quality food has increased. I'm going for easiest, low effort meals. This includes instant noodle bowls to which I add protein and veggies. I'm in minimal-maintenance mode. I'm not able to enjoy every experience to the fullest right now; I'm doing what I can to finish out the season in the best state possible. That's not to say I can't take pleasure in things, but my capacity for enjoyment is kind of shallow right now. It's an interesting lens to experience the world through, and I'm glad it's transient.

Rooting for you! With deep admiration for that coveted ability to respect and express your needs.

The pace has slowed down a bit, but I'm still tired. The store has finally gotten less busy. We actually have slower times now. There's plenty of work still, but there's actually time to catch up and the amount of back stock needed has somewhat lessened. Therefore, it's easier to deal with and actually work through in between freight loads. Otherwise nothing much has changed. I'm in the grace period of supporting myself as best I can given my energy levels, and not worrying too much about the particulars. Drinking plenty of water with tea or decaf coffee here and there. Taking a bowl of rice or quinoa, baked & mashed sweet potato, some vegetable, and a bit of protein for most lunches; a dash of soy sauce adds flavor. My norm is eating a few processed foods here and there - I keep potato chips on hand, and supplement or replace my lunch maybe 4-7 times a month with some manufactured quick food out of the freezer section. Pork egg rolls, or a cheap burrito. This is acceptable for now. Fall-type weather usually shows up in August, and several signs say it's arrived. Rain, cooler temps, the fireweed, grasshoppers and late summer insects - it's nice. Trying to enjoy it all (especially since the clock is winding down on probably our final summer here), but the mental "fuzz" inhibits that a bit. Still sleeping through the night; loving that.

Woohoo! On board, encouraging the Li'l Watcher re-charge.

I agree! I know it's relative, but yeah - thrift store prices seem to have trended up pretty much everywhere we've been. Glad you had the strength to have a hard conversation, and glad it was heard without the defenses getting tripped. Also proud of you for not turning to the easy comfort of more alcohol than you like during all that.