kawatan

I haven't been here. I haven't exercised much, if at all. I'm eating (mostly) well and (mostly) sticking with hygiene and job stuff. It's hard to stay motivated when even retail places reject you without saying why, but I guess I have to keep trying. I want to talk about what's going on with my brain. I'm really close to my semi-arbitrarily picked weight loss goal (130 lbs; currently around 136). This is from somewhere over 160. I never paid much attention to my weight and never allowed my physical appearance to define my happiness. Regardless, despite still being a little "overweight", I really like how my body looks now, certainly more than I did when I was 160; I'm a completely different clothing size and it shows in my face shape. I honestly don't know if I want to be thinner, aesthetically. I like having some roundness to my edges, I have zero issue with having a bit of a gut. I have enough confidence to wear things I used to avoid thanks to my eczema letting up and honestly would never wear revealing clothing in public even if I WAS thinner, just due to personal beliefs about modesty. I'm still not very strong, true - but do I want to keep chasing strength? I'm strong enough to do more than I used to be able to do. I can be handy around the house and garden. I feel functional and powerful already, without having ever done a pullup. Just barely into my strength journey I was able to clamber around the attic and garage and help my parents find things while my dad could barely walk - and honestly, that's enough for me. I don't get the rush others do when reaching new strength minigoals and I don't really feel much satisfaction after working out; I just feel tired. My last "proper" workout I just went through the motions and felt like I got nothing out of it. Now, that being said - I think I've been showing symptoms of something that looks like depression for a really long time, probably ever since the end of grad school. I can't really say whether or not it's true clinical depression - after all, I'm not a doctor or therapist, and self-diagnosis is often dangerous. But I'm capable of just...doing nothing. Laying in bed in the middle of the day and not thinking, and doing it for hours at a time without realizing it. Staying upstairs in my room and not coming down to eat just...because, even hours after I know I'm hungry. Part of the issue when trying to study to be an actuary was just that it didn't excite me at all - even the more "meaty" mathematical portions gave no spark. I keep finding myself staying up late despite being tired, and my sleep hygiene is totally shot, reading on my ereader before bed regularly. Even days out with my partner - going to the Mermaid Parade, or just walking around Manhattan window shopping and trying random restaurants - tend to just make me irritable about the things that go wrong instead of happy to just spend time with them. Sometimes my video game work gives me pleasure, but often it just makes me get into this weird feedback loop of refreshing Youtube and Reddit over and over thinking something will change when it won't. I don't know what's going on with my brain. It's weird and it's scary. And being honest about all of this - about not wanting to lose more weight or get stronger - will probably not help my chances of joining the Nerd Fitness team in that virtual executive assistant role. But i want to be honest. And maybe I need help. Sadly help will be hard to find - my birthday next week means I'm about to get dropped off my parents' already limited insurance. Or maybe I'm just lazy and waiting for someone to give me a handout out of my shitty situation without the motivation to actually make it change. I honestly can't tell the difference. tl;dr: I have such a positive self-image that I don't think I need to lose more weight despite being "overweight". Strength training may or may not actually work for me. I can't tell if I'm depressed or just being an underwear gnome, and if I'm depressed I can't get therapy, anyway.

Hey guys! I haven't been around (sorry about that) and I keep finding myself struggling to get back onto the wagon and work out again. It's hard when it's so blistering hot in my room that I feel faint when I get up to try to rehydrate myself. :/ I know I just need to drink more water and get back into it, and I'm trying, I honestly am! My question for you all actually has less to do with my lack of pushups and more with me trying to tackle the things that scare me. As you guys might have seen, Nerd Fitness is hiring. Despite my lack of obvious experience, I'm trying for the executive assistant position. I may or may not get the job, but I can't be afraid of hearing "no" and thus never apply. Would one of you awesome Assassins be kind enough to look over the e-mail I'm writing and say if you think it'd be what Steve and the gang are looking for? I feel I can be a bit more casual here because, well, it's Nerd Fitness, not some stuffy Wall Street job, and they're looking for "a great personality" - but I want to know if I'm pushing it too far, or if I'm being too self-depreciating and personal. Grammar corrections and such would also be welcome.

I didn't pass. Sucks. The more this happens, the more I think the path of an actuary is just not my path. But what IS my path, then, if the quantitative financial community is suffering, the logistics and data mining guys refuse to retire, and the teachers distrust my lack of experience? Can I just have people pay me to talk about video games and pushups and the weird ways I get around my allergies all day? (If only...) Food sucked just as bad: coffee with soy milk and Splenda, cottage cheese with pineapple chunks, half of a Burger King pulled pork sandwich, almost all of a small order of fries, a small diet Coke, half of a Panera Bread roast beef/cheddar sandwich, a cup of Panera Bread corn chowder. So much processed shit, and probably a lot of hidden chicken/eggs that'll make my eczema flare worse than the stress is already making it. Ugh. And didn't get my workout in - tried to get some retail therapy in instead. (It's...interesting...shopping for clothes at the smallest size I've ever been and trying to look less like a college student while on a worse-than-college-student budget. Being petite yet curvy and hating skinny jeans is rough, I've found out. Still, I now have a job-interview-appropriate skirt that actually fits me!) Did get some cleaning done when I got home, though, so I'll give myself two productivity points today (one for the test). Job interview tomorrow. Selling insurance, which is...less than an ideal living. But it is one to get me on my feet, and I need more experience doing the interviews themselves, so who knows? Food: 13/42 tracked Exercise: 5/18 workouts Hygiene: 15/42 days Productive: 26/90 total points

Do I get extra points if I put my hair in twin buns like Chun-Li?! This is important!!

You're doing really well! Sorry I haven't been around to be supportive. Totally agree with you on preferring bodyweight to gym work - nothing against our Warrior friends, but this is really fun.

Uuuuuuuuuugh. I fell off the wagon in a big way. I don't know why this keeps happening, guys, but I'm really sorry. Time to haul myself back on. I have generally been keeping up hygiene wise, at least... Wednesday: I don't remember what I ate. Bleh. Did get my workout done, some cleaning, and recorded an episode of my Minecraft LP. Thursday: Job fair. I'm going to count all three points, because that was exhausting and I got my resume into the hands of a dozen people. Food: some yogurt, a pastrami and rye sandwich, some pickles. Yes, that was it. Friday: Got a call back from the job fair, for a sales position in an insurance company. Further research suggests that while they treat their employees well, it's pretty much commission-only, which makes me really nervous. Still, better than doing nothing with my resume. Interview's on Tuesday. Otherwise got nothing done. Once again, don't remember food. Worst of all: didn't work out. I can't even justify why: I just...couldn't bring myself to do it, or something. I'm really disappointed in myself. Saturday: Global Reddit Meetup Day! A fun picnic in Central Park, met a few interesting people but it was hard to make any lasting connections due to it being so massive. No real productivity points, just a rare chance for me to deal with other people casually and socially, which was a good change of pace. I may end up coming back for some of the regular (and less massive) meetups when I need social interaction. SO MUCH FOOD: puto (a Filipino steamed rice cake, a little sweet); some coconut juice; an interesting crunchy salad with ramen noodles, cabbage, carrots, sunflower seeds, sliced almonds, and a dressing with soy sauce and sesame oil; a bit of carrots with hummus; a handful of craisins; a handful of Marcona almonds; a handful of pita chips; a small slice of Oreo ice cream cake. Somehow I resisted the pizza and other than the coconut juice I also resisted non-water drinks, which I'm pretty proud of. Today: Church and Malaysian food with my dad. A few mishaps due to my allergies - seriously, who drops an egg into pan-fried noodles with seafood and white gravy? - but still delicious and fun. Besides the noodles, there was some beef satay, a bit of pineapple fried rice, and some roti with a curry dipping sauce. Also recorded an episode of Roguelike Radio. After posting this, I'm going to go finally clean the bathroom. *sigh* We actually don't have some cleaning supplies I need; guess I'd better get some tomorrow. I was really hoping to make that a weekly habit. Here's to getting back on the wagon, I guess! Tomorrow I'm taking FM. I don't know if I'll do well - I get tripped up easily when it comes to options - but we'll see. Food: 12/42 tracked Exercise: 5/18 workouts Hygiene: 14/42 days Productive: 24/90 total points

Good work! Be very very careful with Minecraft - it is a time sink like you wouldn't believe!

Hey! (We talked briefly on Reddit earlier today.) You're making great progress, keep up the good work!

Food: noodles with sesame oil, fish balls, a handful of shortbread cookies, Greek yogurt with mango, coffee with creamer but no sugar, beef bulalo (a Filipino clear broth soup with beef, beef marrow, bok choi, string beans, and eggplant), brown rice. Day off for the exercise. Job app and some cleaning done. Job fair on Thursday! Tracking: Food: 9/42 tracked Exercise: 4/18 workouts Hygiene: 9/42 days Productive: 16/90 total points

You're doing really well! Keep up the great work!

Food today: leftovers of the hash, string beans, pan fried tofu, brown rice, a small glass of sweetened iced tea....and a single tiny chocolate. Ugh, where did my self-control go? Productivity: Some cleaning. I'm also going to count recording for Youtube from now on. Reading Steve's recent articles about happiness, productivity, and pursuing what you love has inspired me, and frankly, I think I'm more cut out for entrepreneurship than working under others, especially considering how passionate I am about games. Workout: started much later than I should have, but ROCKED IT. Minichallenges: gained +1 STR for last week. This week, the planks count, maybe I'll do crunches on my off days, we'll see. Unrelated news: It's girlweek. That explains at least a little of my funk last week, and why I'm breaking out despite my hygiene going well. . Tracking: Food: 8/42 tracked Exercise: 4/18 workouts Hygiene: 8/42 days Productive: 14/90 total points

Real life has permadeath! No quick saves for you!!! Planks are already a part of my routine (along with BW squats, incline pushups, and one armed rows and a whole lot of mobility/stretching work.) Is it safe to put crunches on the off days?

Food today: braised squid in vinegar (lunch) and a thrown-together hash of pork, potatoes, blackeye peas, onion, garlic, and tomatoes (dinner), all with white rice. NO MORE SNACKING THIS IS GOOD. Productivity: One job app, going to church and talking to my dad (which was good for my sanity and so I'll call it a win). Still procrastinating as a whole though; that number should be 15 by now if not higher. Sigh. Tracking: Food: 7/42 tracked Exercise: 3/18 workouts Hygiene: 7/42 days Productive: 12/90 total points

Ugh, is there a Tired Assassin Support Group? Because I need it too.

I haven't been here. I'm so sorry. So Thursday went almost exactly as I said, other than the fact that I wore the wrong shoes and thus was kind of limping a bit by the end. My right ankle was especially unhappy with me. (I also lost a rather beautiful blazer because I'm dumb.) I also ate, uh, a lot: three doughnuts (well, more like one doughnut plus four half doughnuts), all DELICIOUS some pernil (Cuban-style roasted pork) and tostones (squashed then fried plantains) a handful of chocolate covered peanut butter balls some olives and pickles from a farmer's market some orange jice I had leftover pernil, tostones, and pickles that I brought home. Friday, my feet were recovering, and I did my Angry Birds/Molding Mobility/Starting Stretching trio. I also did laundry but otherwise wasn't productive. I had the leftover pernil, some orange juice, a pickle, some collard greens with bacon, white rice, pan de sal (a Filipino bread roll), and a hopia baboy (a Filipino savory pastry). Today: I did some ironing but otherwise got nothing done. Leftover collard greens and bacon, a mango, another pickle, another pan de sal, some pan fried kingfish. My sleep schedule is really messed up, ugh. And I'm not eating well any way you slice it. (I'm giving myself points for remembering everything and keeping track, because knowing you're eating poorly is half the battle, really.) At least I'm keeping up with the hygiene and workout habits so far. I don't know what the source of my current "funk" is, but I'm just...not excited about the things I actually have to do, and only minorly happy with the things I distract myself with. It's hard to explain and I wish I knew a way out. Anyway, time to attempt to fix that sleep schedule. We will see what tomorrow will bring. Tracking: Food: 6/42 tracked Exercise: 3/18 workouts Hygiene: 6/42 days Productive: 10/90 total points

Food: Roasted carrots, baked fish sticks, broiled tilapia and shrimp, edamame, brown rice. Coffee with non dairy creamer and Splenda. Exercise: Did it all. Harder to get myself to start, easier to get myself to finish. Proper pushup form is haaaaaard. Hygiene: On point. Productivity: Three points, some with weird sources (yes again). Cleared out a lot of junk mail piling up in our living room. Applied for a job. Had a long, useful talk with my mom about my emotions and my goals, which was sorely needed. The reason this is going up at 5 AM: My partner's visiting tomorrow, we're going out to Brooklyn to do some exploring. Being me, I wanted to dress up and get pretty and be all awesome....thing is, nothing in this house fits anymore. (I've gone down from a size 12 to a small-for-a-size-8.) So after spending time tearing the house apart to find anything remotely fashionable, I finally sat down to paint my nails - and of course was an idiot and managed to spill some on my carpeted floor. I have been scrubbing (and scrubbing and scrubbing) since, and then had more polish mishaps (no spills, just terrible application), and now have finally gotten my nails done. They come in five hours. I wanted to do makeup. Bluh. Things that will probably happen tomorrow: I will be very tired but very happy. There will be window shopping and possible actual purchases, now that my partner and my parents know that I no longer fit into any of my clothes. There will be lusting after All the Nail Polish (it's a hobby). There will be doughnuts. The doughnuts may or may not be in order to imitate a certain mangaka. (If you know who this is without having to look it up, I will be very happy.) There should in theory be some other kind of foodstuffs, too. We will get lost. We will walk a ludicrous number of miles. It will be an adventure. Tracking: Food: 3/42 tracked Exercise: 2/18 workouts Hygiene: 3/42 days Productive: 8/90 total points

I am somewhere between you two in "anime age", haha. Watched a looooot of Gundam Wing as a kid, Rurouni Kenshin, that sort of thing. My partner still downloads fansubs and we watch together when we can - it's their fault I'm currently obsessive about Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. (Maybe I should do a posing-based challenge sometime...hmmmmmmmm....) And I'm with Starpuck on recommending Attack on Titan - I'm reading the manga now and it's EXCELLENT. ANYWAY BACK ON TOPIC: Good to see you're on track with your workouts! Hopefully your sleep schedule and productivity is improving, too.

I use a bookbag filled with old books for one-armed bent-over rows. (You know, that calculus textbook you bought for insane amounts of money that you used for two semesters of college then never touched again? Well as a graduate assistant I had that AND its equally large solution manual on hand. Plus a hardcover copy of Alton Brown's I'm Just Here for the Food, because, well, I had that too.) I'll bet you have a bag and some books or other things, and can load it enough for it to be challenging to you. Or maybe you have dumbbells or a kettlebell collecting dust from your past attempt and failure at becoming a Warrior instead of an Assassin, and can use that instead. And before you say "Kawatan, one armed rows aren't on the list", well, okay, they're not, and the guild leaders will have to back me up on this. But I have a feeling it'll be okay, especially because they're the super-beginner's first step towards doing a real pull up anyway. As another alternative, last time pulling exercises were part of the minichallenge, Wolverine said Let Me Ins were okay, and that just requires, well, a door and maybe a scarf or towel.

Holy crap, man. That's crazy. Good on you to find a way to keep on improving anyway. I need to send this to my dad.

I took the Angry Birds approach, though I admit I'm low level, so: incline pushups, bodyweight squats, one-arm rows, and planks are my 3x/week workout. I've also got Molding Mobility and Starting Stretching; I initially put these as also 3x/week, on the same days as Angry Birds (MM warmup and SS cooldown), though given how I'm STILL a bit achy after doing my circuits yesterday, I'm pushing that to 5x/week or more if I can help it. Also, everyone, be sure your elbows are moving back, not out when doing your pushups, or you risk injuring your shoulders!

Food: Oatmeal, coffee with soymilk and Splenda, homemade fried rice with beef, onions, garlic, and bell peppers. Exercise: Rest day. Good thing too, because I am sooooooooooore. Molding Mobility and Starting Stretching helped, but I probably need to do more reps of them the day of my next exercise (tomorrow) to make up for it. Hygiene: On point. Productivity: Three points, some with weird sources; I was part of this contest a while ago to get my face added to the indie game Maia (they felt they needed more females than they got from their crowdsourcing backers, which is an interesting thing.) I finally - like, MONTHS AFTER HAVING THE INSTRUCTIONS SENT - got those pictures taken and sent. I also posted on the Internet about an ancient turntable my family has, asking if it was salvageable or if I should just get rid of it (the advice was to get rid of it). It's significant progress towards getting rid of a lot of our excess stuff. I also did a bit of studying and job searching - neither is enough on their own to really count for separate points but together I made some tentative steps, so I'm combining them. Tracking: Food: 2/42 tracked Exercise: 1/18 workouts Hygiene: 2/42 days Productive: 5/90 total points

Here's something most people aren't going to recommend to you, because they don't know it exists: Filipino adobo, a braised meat dish. The version I've linked you to uses chicken thighs, but you could use any other part of the chicken, or lean cubes of pork (this is what I do); you can use low-sodium soy sauce if that's what you prefer, and any mild non-balsamic vinegar (if you can get your hands on Filipino sugar cane vinegar, that's awesome, but it's pretty hard to find). Honestly, if your meat is somewhat fatty already, you can skip the extra oil entirely and just braise everything together at once. Pair with whatever fresh vegetables you have on hand and maybe some rice if you've got the calories to spare, and it's a simple, ridiculously delicious way to make otherwise boring meat really delightful.

Heehee! Much worse nutrition values for the weight, though. (Though if I really cared about that, I guess I could up my Herbalism and get some stomafilia herbs. ...Maybe I should do a gardening challenge sometime in the future...?) Anyway, today's progress: Food: tracked on Twitter: @kawachallenge. A lot of rice. No snacks, though, which is an improvement! EDIT: There was also a mango after I posted this. I actually haven't eaten all that much today, and felt hungry - like real, stomach grumbling, water isn't helping hungry. So there was a mango. Better that chocolates, at least. And yes, I totally redid my evening hygiene routine after it. Exercise: tracked on the spreadsheet. Did it in circuits, which amped up the difficulty, but I think I'm gonna stick with it. Already moving on to the next level for planks. Lots of work to do for pushups (which I expected). Need to work on form in general. Mobility/stretching work was tough; my posture's really gotten terrible. That's why we work on fixing it though, right? Hygiene: I'm good today. Productivity: 2 points today: one job app, a thorough vacuuming. Was really hard to motivate myself after exercise to do anything else. Gotta get better! Tracking: Food: 1/42 tracked Exercise: 1/18 workouts Hygiene: 1/42 days Productive: 2/90 total points

Fantastic goals (I really should do the "wake up like a normal human being one" sometime - but I have a feeling consistent exercise will help with that!) Best of luck!

Awesome stuff, awesome goals. Hello from a fellow Team Bodyweight member!