ThisRoughBeast

I tried; I went to two sessions, but the therapist didn't bother to come to the second one, or let me know she wasn't coming which, when I think about it, kind of a dick move. It doesn't take a genius to tell when someone is bored while they're listening to you though, so I'm really not surprised she couldn't be arsed the second time. I wouldn't want to listen to me either. Anyway, I could afford it then, but I can't afford counseling right now so...idk. I've been in therapy before, I've got the CBT tools to keep myself going. Whining about my problems isn't going to fix them (she says, whining about them on the internet). My main goal was to lose weight. The specific way was to eat better. More fruit and veg, less bread, no boredom or depression snacking, drinking less calories. So I did. For a month and a half I really worked on my diet. I even got out and exercised. Exactly no weight was lost. I can't use up that many spoons for something that doesn't get me results. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do. I was hoping making diet and exercise changes would boost my mood but it's done the opposite.

Severe stomach pains yesterday for no discernible reason. Back to 170 today.

So I'm back from a holiday which was on the one hand awesome because I got to see and do cool stuff and an on the other hand, an emotional nightmare because my family is kind of awful sometimes. The "pep talks" (that's literally what he calls them) that consist of "you're fat and ugly, and no one likes you, especially me" I get from my father don't really help tbh. Anyway, like everyone else, my weight fluctuates so when I weigh myself I just round up. So right now I'm somewhere between 165-170, which to me means 170 since I'm used to not getting excited. It can (and probably will) go back up, so in my mind I'm still stuck at 170. It's so cold here and I lost my internet access to book pilates appointments. I have to go in and talk about fixing it, or call them to fix it, and my depression is pretty bad right now so that seems kind of insurmountable. I haven't been for about a month. I miss it, but I can't get back to it. And I have 8 left and after that I can't afford it. I guess maybe I'm also kind of hoarding them, which is stupid. I wanted to do this NF challenge time period, but signing up seemed like a real waste of time since I already know I'm not going to make my goals. Jesus I sound defeatist but it's realism. I am really struggling and I'm struggling with my food intake. Yesterday was coffee for breakfast, an apple (55) and chocolate milk (250-300) for lunch, and I eat dinner with my mom 3 out of 4 days of the week, and last night was steak and mushroom pie (400). So that's...like 800 calories? Which is probably half of what I should be but I'm tired and depressed and I can't stand being where I am any more. Uuuuuuuugh. I'm so tired of myself.

Yeah, I figured out the whole class/race/etc. thing a while back and am waiting for Feb-March challenge so I can do my n00b level first. We'll see what comes after that. In terms of calories, the whole thing is so daunting. Either I eat way over budget or a little under. I can't seem to hit the middle ground. My BMR is about 1500 and TDEE is 2000 if the calculators are right. I poked about the IIFYM website and they suggest 1618-1720kcal a day. Fuuuuuu- All these numbers. I guess I can relax a little bit on how much I'm eating rn but honestly, I've been stuck at 170 for a month and nothing is working. I'm skeptical that I'm eating too few calories. Isn't the whole point to eat less than you expend? I had a good read of the article about building muscle and losing fat and the fact that it's pretty much impossible to do both at the same time. Right now I just want to lose some weight (I'm 170 and I'd like to get down to 130) and lower my body fat %. When I get to that point (if I ever manage to break 170 wtf is this nonsense) then I'm going to work on strength training and try to gain muscle. The pilates I'm doing is really because my back is a hot mess and I have zero strength. Even kneeling pushups are hard for me rn. Thank you for your advice btw.

Today I had to go clothes shopping. I only cried a little bit. Mostly I can fake-out my brain by clenching my fists and teeth and breathing angrily until my brain is like, "Oh well, we must be angry then, I was wrong, never mind." (It's like that thing where you stand confident and so you feel confident but with anger and sadness) I lost my grip on it for a few seconds but I pulled myself back together pretty fast. I'm really just sick of myself at this point. Today I had: Coffee with a splash of milk smoothie (~450) chicken pot pie (~480) chocolate milk because I don't give a fuck today and I'm exhausted and sad. (~300) ~1230

Coffee with splash of milk that I only drank half of Disappointing pita of about 250 calories that I only ate half of (~150) Curry and rice that I ate all of (~450) delicious homemade brownie that my mother literally put into my hand (~150) Total: 750 I have literally no idea what I'm doing. This is quickly becoming clear.

You guys are pretty much the best. Thank you for all your encouragement. I've been really struggling the last week to not give up, and I'm really grateful for all your help. I'm doing bodyweight workouts in short bursts when I'm in front of the TV or waiting for something to download and also pilates three times a week which is more bodyweight stuff but on machines and holy crap I feel muscles I haven't felt before. Not massive calorie burns, I know, but I have asthma and can't run or jog. I have tried. Oh man I try once a year or so and then remember that wheezing sound is not the sound of health. It is the sound of not breathing. And no gym access. I'm looking into it, but everywhere is so expensive and the Y is the best of a bad lot but still not great. Annoyingly I don't have the records they require to prove I'm poor enough to get cheaper rates. I do miss weight lifting. I did it in high school and loved it. Ah the days when I could bench more than my own weight.

Yeah, the not eating thing is a bad road for me to go down. Even logging what I eat brings back a lot of very sad and unpleasant memories, but I guess that's my best option. :\

I need to start keeping a food log since I'm clearly missing something because I can't seem to budge an inch from where I am. So. Smoothie: 1 frozen banana, greek yogurt, orange juice, a handful of blackberries and raspberries (~405) Coffee (0) A cup of milk (~105) 10 pistachios (~40) Chili (<500) bagel (~250) Total: <1300

I know the numbers for weight loss vs gain and that's why I'm really scratching my head. I'm having a smoothie for lunch and some meat/veggies sort of thing for dinner and I know how to portion control. I'm not snacking, I don't drink soda...I don't get it. I guess a food log would be a good idea, I have to be missing something somewhere. Ugh, I've been avoiding it because in the past calorie counting and food journaling has lead to unhealthy behaviour. How have I gone so many years of my life not knowing this.

I dont know whats going on. Maybe you guys can figure it out. I changed my diet -fewer carbs, way more fruits and veggies, no more beer and I cut my alcohol consumption down to 2 glasses of wine a week - and started working out three times a week. In one month I lost exactly zero pounds. To say I'm discouraged would be a massive understatement. I'd almost suspect that my scale was wonky but it's analog and I also have lost exactly zero inches. So probably no muscle gains. I'm about ready to throw in the towel since the only time I have ever lost weight in my life is when I literally don't eat. And I do mean literally. I've gone a week at a time ingesting nothing but diet soda and gum in order to lose weight. I know health is its own reward (not really seeing it at the moment tbh) and this all sounds insanely shallow but seriously wtf. I was fat and unhappy before and I'm fat and unhappy now, but now I don't even get to eat my favourite things. So what's the point? I feel like I've given up a lot and gained nothing in return. I don't feel healthier. I don't feel stronger, I just feel disappointed.

I made this rule many moons ago and have stuck by it: I do not discuss weight or diet. This is a pretty big rule to set if you're female. You should see people's faces when I flat out tell them I don't talk about weight/diet/exercise because I find it tedious and I could be talking about literally anything else. Mostly I use the word tedious because no one wants to be the one holding a conversation that others audibly find boring. (I also only hold this rule hard and fast with coworkers and aquaintances but it'll sometimes extend to friends) Seriously, cutting people off at the knees with your verbal broadsword generally stops that nonsense. But I might start using, "Because zombies," tbh.

Instead we have to respawn right at the beginning. Or, in my case, further back than I was before. Losechester. I gained 20lbs instead of losing any, didn't get any healthier, and probably dug myself deeper. So, here I am again. Trying to fix whatever in me it is that's so broken. I've been making some lifestyle changes which so far involve a. buying a blender and drinking a lot more smoothies. b. cutting way back on eating bread - one or two pieces a week now as opposed to every day. c. drinking way less than I was. I was spending Thurs-Sun drinking beer and now...I'm not. d. Pilates several times a week. I started with one day a week, then two, then three - this week I'm doing four. I genuinely like Pilates, and it's helping my back. My back is a total disaster area. Since I have zero fitness or strength that's not helping, and having muscle knots that push into my arteries and make bloodflow a sometimes thing, it's actually been pretty good for me. I'm enjoying it, which I was not expecting. Doing those four things helped me lose 10 of those 20lbs in a week, but then it just...stopped again. So I'm stalled out worse off than I was before and I'm putting off weighing myself again as long as humanly possible because I'm only going to get angry and discouraged. I tried doing the zombies, run! app and that...didn't go so well. I get asthma when I run and for some reason i thought going for a run in the cold would be a smart thing to do. I wheezed for two hours afterwards and I'm pretty sure that anything that causes wheezing like that is, in the long run (and in the short run) not very good for me. I'll have to find some other way to get my cardio in because I'm not playing the "can you breathe now" game. I also stopped taking my anti-depressants, which is probably a bonehead move but I'm full of those. I'm now less apathetic, but I'm also more likely to spend an afternoon lying in bed crying, or having little fits of self-directed rage the likes I haven't seen since highschool. I guess you win some and you lose some. Eventually I'll go talk to my doctor, but frankly, I think she's kind of stupid and I'm not fond of her. I don't know. I'm so sick of myself. I've hated my body all my life. It's never done what I want it to, it's broken in half a dozen ways, and I deeply resent not being able to trade out. Thinking about it like a substandard vehicle instead of part of me isn't helpful, I know, but I've never been connected to it, or fond of it. Not sure what I should be focusing on since I don't have any goals. I just want things to be better and that sort of half-assed goal-making never got anyone anywhere.

It's been a bit stressful at chez beast. And by a bit, I mean I got shitfaced on the weekend and cried inconsolably all over public transportation. I did a lot of dancing though before that. Today I carried around a six month old baby for over an hour while looking after three other toddlers. And then I went to a zumba/circuit training session. So I feel pretty dead. Good, but dead. I also picked up a few pieces of equiptment so I can get working on strength - a hanging pull up bar that can be taken down for tricep dip/pushup training. Which I don't think I could manage if you paid me right now!

Sorry to hear about the pain. You should talk to your doctor about this, if you haven't already. Otherwise I suggest hot water bottles. You can get plushie covers that make them nice to snuggle. I have a scooby doo plush that holds a full-size water bottle and it's great!

I did an aerial fitness class today. Yesterday I did the aerial stretching class, and I loved it so much and was so excited to try something a bit harder. I'm pretty bendy so streching things are easy but the fitness class was perfect. The only downside is that the classes are really far away from where I live and I don't own a car so an hour class takes me almost three hours to get there, do the class and get home. Which is a big chunk of time. But I sent a picture of myself hanging upside down (oh my god I LOVE it and my back feels so good!) to a friend and she thought it looked cool so she might do classes with me, and she does have a car....so...whatever, we'll see.

There are muscles in my butt I didn't know I had. They are informing me now that they're very sore.

Wow. I am bad at this. So I went to my first zumba class today (a zillion years later!) and now I remember why I never suceed at these things. I do one thing and it WRECKS me. However, now that I've "activated" my 10 classes, I have to use them all up by the 13th of May so now I'm trying to figure out what my best plan of attack will be in order to not burn out by trying to do too many in one week, but not wasting my classes either...

Post-its. Stick 'em on your desk, inside your locker, put some in the pockets of your coat. Seriously, leave yourself little happy notes anywhere and everywhere. Plus, sometimes it's fun to discover one you forgot your left yourself.

I love the monument idea! Soon you'll have made it to the top of the matterhorn!

I think it's great that you're tracking your food habits, but I'd raise your calorie intake. ~600-800 kcal is not a lot of food. You're edging a starvation diet and eventually that weight will stop coming off as your body goes into famine mode and holds on to every bit of fat it can get for fear there won't be more calories on the way. Obviously, I don't know how tall you are, or how much you weigh, (I assume you're a woman?) but that's my two cents.

Thanks Evicious and Lavender! Yesterday I shovelled the driveway. Today I had to do more shovelling and went toboggining for an hour. Now all parts of my body hurt, not just my arms and back. Still, I was able to do it, and at first I really didn't think I would be able to move all that freaking snow. But I did! A winner is me!

Introduction I'm a 26yr-old Dwarf woman. Tall for a Dwarf, at 5'4" (and three quarters!) and I weigh in at about 160lbs. You know how people say "big-boned" is just a euphamism for "fat" well, years ago (at a much lower weight) I had an oesteopath tell me I had big bones so take from that what you will. I think he meant a wide pelvic girdle and shoulders but IDEK. My fitness level is zero. I smoke, I drink too much. I've had back problems since high-school. After seeing multiple professionals it has been established that the problems are muscular, not early onset oesteoperosis (YAY!). Basically, I have muscle knots, under muscle knots, under muscle knots. They stretch from my skull to my tailbone, front and back, and currently restrict the blood flow to my arms if I hold them in certain positions. Stopping the pulse in my wrist and asking people to find it is something I do at boring parties. According to the last few peeps I saw the muscles are also shortened around my chest and shoulders which makes straightening up, putting my shoulders back, and getting a nice deep breath hard to do. I breathe shallowly as a matter of course and the smoking doesn't help I'm sure. So, I'm going to get massage therapy done once a week to help sort out my back, I've got a groupon for 10 zumba classes (thanks mum!) and I want to start doing bodyweight exercises. Also stretching. Lots and lots of stretching! My nerd areas include fandom geekery, con going, games, D&D, being the resident "random information no one ever needs" guy (seriously, you want a treatise on the spotted heyena, or the changing trends in labour laws in the UK as related to the wars of the time, I'm your guy). I write, which doesn't help with the sendentary lifestyle, and I'm very excited about this website. Vague Goals: Get my back sorted Quit smoking Go to zumba once a week Do beginner bodyweight exercises once a week until I can do 3 reps without dying, then level up Don't get weird about food again Join in the Adventurers challanges until I can join the Assassins. So, that's me. I'll set up proper goals soon.

I am level one, if by level one you mean level zero. ::beginner fistbump:: Pretty sure I can't do a pushup, but I just shovelled two tonnes of snow out of my driveway and I don't think now is a good time to test that out. We can do this thing together!

I’m actually doing it for strength. If I lose weight along the way (I will because I am so sedentary right now that I think even walking for a half hour each day would make me lose weight) then fine, but I’d rather get strong. Having a body that doesn’t do the things I want it to brings out the Jerkbrain. Plus, I have a history of getting weird about eating if I focus too much on calories and the number on a scale. I think I’ll start looking into improving my diet as I go. As for the depression, I’m on SSRIs for that, and I have a pretty good stable of CBT techniques I can use. But thank you so much for the scheduling advice! It’s been so long since I had any sort of routine that I do run the risk of pushing too hard and getting discouraged. I’m so glad to have found this place, it’s nice having support that comes from fellow nerds. And can I just say that your success story is very inspiring!