Terinatum

She steps in quietly after holding the door for the Ranger ahead of her. No longer a young wood pixie, she squeaks when she walks. She's wet to the corn husk bone with a smile on her face having found a nearby spring. She walks to the nearest empty chair, drops her pack to the floor, shakes once, kicks her shoes off and sits deeply in the comfy chair. Her eyes close partially, but her smile is full and relaxed. "Oh, it has been some time since last I was here."

Hey 18ck! How the heck are ya? Are you doing the 50 or 100 for the night bike ride? Yeah, little wins can really be the difference between moving and sitting down. Is she a famous runner? And is that Portuguese? I know you were learning that way back when. Anywho... following and cheering!

Hey Ghost! Love your theme. I'm doing the 'good' sucking at learning the violin. It's doesn't help that I can't tell if I'm on pitch very well. Ah well. Following and smiling!

Respawning is a weird act. I feel focused, a bit embarrassed, and a bit hopeful. I do know that writing down my days is worthwhile and helps my accountability troubles. I have reached good places before with the help of the NF community and I'm here to utilize that generous spirit again. If my therapist has to tell me to 'Focus on being in the Now' one more time, her head may explode! Well, I'm a kind and moral person and do not want to witness that kind of waste. So here goes... Goals: Don't worry about what's been. (no idea how to quantify this so moving on) No Dr Pepper – none/100% success rate Water – 6 cups per day/80% success rate Basic Workout Foundation – 80% success rate (half in AM, half in PM) A. body-weight squats – 2x10 per day B. counter incline push-ups – 2x10 per day C. face-pulls with new resistance tool – 4x10 per day D. stationary bike – 2x 5-minute interval training per day Get Outside as often as possible A. Walk to Appts – 2 Tuesdays (1.3 mi) and every Friday (1.5 mi) --100% success rate B. 1 mile-long walk per week – 80% success rate C. 5 Trips Outdoors per week - cannot be just going to the store – 80% success rate [if more than 1/2 mile - bike workout at that time is cancelled] Okay, that's a lot but the 80% rule should make things doable. I'm 2 full days of no Dr Pepper at the moment so that certainly helps. Water and Workouts needs to be consistent more than plentiful. I definitely crave outdoor fresh air which is really helping me get out there so I want to build on that. I'm also wanting my desire to get back into writing to be helped along by posting here regularly. Looking forward to checking out what folks are up to around these parts.

Hey Fearless, Guess you showed them, huh? Congrats on the Yes votes. Nicely done! Beach walks are so great, but need to be paid for later so an easy walk day makes sense! Happy to see you doing well and being here! Hugs and Love, Teri

Tell me you're just waking up?! I'm headed to bed now. Hugs and Thanks!

Another tiny day! I practiced violin, had my 2 therapies, helped a friend, walked 2 blocks and then 3 blocks, drank more water than DP, and played with my cat while doing gut workout. Nothing in and of itself is tough or overwhelming. Imagine that!?!?!?

I thought you might know of them. Yeah, I just finished telling myself that I just need to do the little things. The habits will come about eventually. Tired or not. Idk if it's just me (American), but I'm so sick of hearing bullshit around me and in our media hype, that their take on just living life is a sweet relief and so easy to get into. You can feel the NORMAL inspiration without the OMG, just gotta get to perfect, quick! Really thankful I found them.

Tues Oct 13th OMG violin is tiring! My arms are sore, but my shaky bow is well-developed! haha I have to foam roll my mid back before practice. I also did about an hour of music theory work today. I did my Gut and Shoulder-down work while walking (afternoon one only) and during play (once, another later tonight). Did 2 sets of 2 (transverse ab hold for ~ 10 secs) while distracted as I'm trying to keep my focus on that muscle and be able to do other things with my brain. I usually get to about 6 or 7 secs and then lose tension so I have to redo it. I slept a lot today but I think that's sugar and weather related so no mystery there. Drinking water now, but feel quite behind (2 cans of Dr P today [24 oz.]). Walked about 8 blocks (2 in the am and the rest in the afternoon). Need to do laundry and a shower tomorrow in between therapy counseling and psychiatrist med check (up'd anxiety med a month ago - seems good).

Thanks Sweetie. You know how to help me come back.

ya, tell me about it. Thanks for droppin' by!

Thanks, Rurik. I've always had the best of receptions on NF! Here's to all the 1% increases in life!

Yup, very late or very early, however you wish to label it. I'm not going to! hehehe I'm working on becoming the jack-of-all-trades that I think I was meant to be all this time. Maybe not though. It might just be me reaching again for something(s) to hold me up. Dunno. Don't care. I'm doing a challenge so that I can track: what I actually do vs. what I planned vs. what I believe I'm suppose to accomplish vs. what I wish I could get in-return for all I've been through in life. Should be enlightening, scary to truly look at, and keep me from falling back into the Victim role. Goals: Experiment! 1st item: Violin practice!! Yuppers, I'm on day 2 of practice. My arms are sore and my Twinkle Twinkle is harsh! But I love it. In part b/c of these guys. I love this cover they did, and they are so enthusiastic about classical music. TwoSetViolin on Youtube. 2nd item: Gut & Shoulder muscle coordination. Been overcompensating for so long, I have a hard time mentally engaging the right muscles for the job. So, I'm focusing on my Transverse Abdominals and keeping my shoulders down. These two things I can do whenever and wherever. I do them when I am exercising my cat (am & pm), when I walk (trying for 2/day), and during Violin practice. 3rd item: water. I'm allowing myself Dr Pepper but I need to get water into me as well and they haven't meshed too well in the past so we'll see. 4th item: another creative activity (drawing, mapping, hand sewing, writing, singing, etc.) 5th item: organize home, but don't for for neat AF. I realized this morning that I don't mind the lived-in look. I only mind when I need to bitch at myself for something else. I think I'll focus on my bedside area. It gets cluttered but then what I need ends up disappearing along the way! 6th item: chill out and relax with music, meditation, walk, coloring, nature vids, etc. This will be about moving but not aiming toward a completion point or a blue ribbon ceremony!

^ This is you asking permission to do what you really want to do, long term. Personally, I think you should get as many parts of your life running the long term way as possible. And the fact that you know this part already, and feeling the frustration of the current tactic, is a clear indicator you are ready. So, yes! Mutter as much as you need to, but do the long term! Love you!

Thanks. I'm getting quicker with that! I use Paint.net (free or $7 us thru MS). It's like photoshop, not the paint app on windows. Some of the assets are from Caeora who did the village for me. The rest: coastline, rivers, placement, etc. is me. I'm working on it. I'm not sure how to approach getting back to my new normal so being on here feels like pressure instead of reassurance. I'll try and work up a challenge for next time and maybe just check in and not judge my actions until then. Yeah, I'm gonna do that. Love ya!

I'll take all the vibes and hugs. Thanks!

Hey All, Wow. Things shift quickly. My mood was good until I tried a new approach to something I'm familiar with doing (IFS). Problem: I didn't think through it before attempting it. In hindsight, "Not a good plan." I did IFS therapy work using a new book as a guide. Their first approach was to dive-in to approaching unknown Parts. Only then did they write about an actual session, with a therapist. Unfortunately, I know the system and thought I could handle the too-direct approach. I even remember saying it was a bit much. Without prep, I met 2 'Protector Parts' and 2 'Exiled Parts' in one sitting. The book gives you a small handful of questions to ask each of them. I didn't prepare myself, I didn't think to take my time and go into a more therapeutic approach after the questions. It didn't feel like an actual session until I turned the page and saw the questions directed toward the two exiles which NEED extra support and tenderness when conversing with them. Exiled Parts are the ones that hold the traumatic/painful events in your life. They hold the pain, the anger, sadness, and hopelessness. I KNOW THIS! And still I plunged ahead in thinking-mode, instead of emotional-support-mode. In a real session, you don't ask them questions until you let them tell you their story and they find trust in you. So, as I should have expected I think, my Parts went a bit nutty. All the movement I've been making stopped. I went into seclusion and felt intense self-pity and helplessness. I've been there before, but not recently so the change was blatant and unforgiving. I let it happen (I can usually tell these days when to stand solid in the face of their emotions and when to let them work it out their way and then bring them back to the new place. Haven't seen the new place lately! 🤪 No more using the book as a step-by-step. I may still find good ideas, but I know the approach I need to use so I'll stick to that. But why am I scared to do the work alone? It's not like I don't have people to count on if I need some security and compassion if the session is tough. I could easily schedule my sessions the day before my therapy sessions with my counselor. And, I suppose, there's a therapist out there that will do IFS work via tele-health? Without going through the hoop of a bunch of 'getting to know you sessions'? What does this rebellion look like? Drinking Dr Pepper Eating a meal that consists of candy/sugar/junk food Not drinking water No stable emotional well-being Not walking Not doing self-care Not cleaning the house Not. Not. Not. Ugh. The Plan? Good f'ing question! Mmm... Water, NO Dr Pepper. This will be a huge benefit to my physical well-being (not being bloated, not nearly as gassy [I get hard core belching and it feels like a heart attack]) Back to semi-healthy meals (frozen foods [chicken curry, pesto chicken, and pineapple chicken], deli meat sandwiches, and uncured ham and yams) Back to water! oh yeah, said that. WORTH mentioning many times! Spa days (did one last night which was a good sign - teeth and body hair) RELAX about the amount and quickness of getting back to my new normal. Need to reassure my Parts that they are safe and I can do this healthy living thing without becoming a dictator. Okay, breathe! Something I have been working on during this rebellious time. It's the most populated and developed continent in the northern hemisphere of my fantasy world, Acillatem. B helped me name it way back when. It's Metallica spelled backwards.

Thanks. I'm hanging in there with the changes. Still wobbly, but not falling on my face! I can't take credit for the internal parts theory as it is a therapeutic system called Internal Family Systems (IFS). It's quite wonderful and has really helped by make peace with some old traumas and mal-adaptations my brain made in order to cope at the time. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy https://internalfamilysystems.pt/intervenientes/richard-schwartz

Dang! Nicely done. I can imagine the free-moving energy is happy to swirl around and clear out any old energy. And 106 items? WOW.

I don't necessarily know the best way to do it, but here is what I do: When I get to the bottom of my squat, I will pause and hold. In that deep squat, I open my knees as wide as I can and relax them a for a few reps (usually like 2 sets of 5 or so). The side butt is the muscle you use to pull the knees apart, so that activates them and helps me identify them in my brain. Then once they are activated, I open my knees as wide as I can and then focus on keeping them in that spot (not coming any closer together) as I stand, actively working to keep the side butt engaged to hold the knees steady. Yeah, when I was lifting, I would imagine twisting my feet into the ground (turning outwards at the toe) from beginning to end of squat. It would activate the minimus and medius glutes. Should help keep your knees apart as well, like WhiteGhost is focusing on.

So, I'm wrestling (good mood still intact) with the reasons why I don't cook meals for myself, eat veggies, shower regularly, do PT exercises, or workout with any regularity. Now PTSD is a kicker, I know. But so much has gotten better over the years that the questions need to be looked at again with a clearer eye and heart. Which, yay, I have now. I talk myself out of these things quite easily. However, all I hear are the excuses: takes too long, might screw it up, won't help, etc. I need to find a calm place when I hear these defenses and be still, wait for the notions and beliefs that are being 'protected' to come to the surface. Hell, ask them to come to the surface. I firmly believe that the voices we contend with inside are almost always Parts of ourselves caught in the past. They often hold onto moments that were too difficult/confusing/scary to handle back then. That worked, cause well here I am, so that Part is certain that the same action must be taken again when a similar event occurs. How do I convince it that things are different? How do I assure it that I can handle living life now? How do I hold that scared Part with compassion and curiosity? Will it tell me its story? Will it be willing to let it go and trust me to be the 'parent' to all my Parts? Goals for the Rest of this Challenge! Drink lots of water! Go swimming, do art therapy, and enjoy my days. Make sacred space for my Parts. Be open to hear their stories and needs. Be the adult and lead my Parts to freedom and integration into my Self. My first abstract watercolor attempt.

Do I detect some ill-gained shame around D&D? No no no, this will not do! hehehe Glad you're taking to it so well. I'm gonna check out that guy. Don't think I've seen his stuff before. Thanks for sharing. Cheers

Things are going well, that's awesome. Sorry for the food breakdown! I'm losing the Dr Pepper craving so very happy about that. And look at you being all on plan with wine and smokes! Keep truckin' my dear. You got this.

Hey All, Feelin pretty good today. Drinking only water: 6 cups -- no soda or powerade short stroll, barefoot good gaming session nice progress on Paint.net laundry 1/2 bathroom floor early this morning! did recycling and trash on Tuesday asked for help on Tuesday as well made my bed and will try to sleep on it tonight and see if it's as bad as I think or was I blowing it out of proportion cheeseburger, grapes, kitkat, reese stick, piece of gum (experimenting: trying to find relief for my constant clenching of my right side it's messing up a tooth]), curry chicken as I type this, and my meds. Mood is stable, crush issue has settled down (much quicker than ever before), and looking forward to tomorrow for whatever it has in store. Cheers and Air Hugs!

^^^ OH WOW!! Best French Fries ever. Al's French Fries in South Burlington, Vermont. Thanks for the support in return @fearless 2.0