Teros

Don't read unless you want instant depression. this is just a rant. I was trying to get the plastic garbage bag that is stuck in the compactor out and because it's so full since NO ONE changes it, I ended up having to yank the handle hard and the garbage exploded in my face. I was hit with a bunch of pistachio shells, coffee grounds, and whatever other shit. My eyes started burning and I rushed to the sink to wash my eyes out as best as I can. I could feel stuff on the wrong side of my eyelids rolling around. My eyes are still burning about 20 minutes later. I've had it. I don't even know where this post is going but I just need to get out how horrible I feel right now. I already DEALT with this shit years ago. When I ended things with my ex in my toxic 12 year relationship and she left, I went through everything I owned and threw most of it in a huge funeral pyre and set it ablaze. Then a couple years later my mom died and I had to go through everything of hers and reassess and deal with someone who was a hoarder. She had plastic bags with paper towels that had dog piss on them just strewn about, sandwiched between important papers and food wrappers. It was a nightmare and throwing things out, cleaning, and sorting someone else's life instead of my own (or 'our' with my ex and I) was different. Now, here I am and it's been literally MONTHS where I'm trying to be supportive of my current g/f and the fact she lost her dad and uncle over the holidays. I've spent every single week for months trying to clean and sort and organize. But it's also not *mine* to go through. My hands are tied - I can't just throw out her uncle's books if she hasn't gone through them. I can't throw out this set of glasses if it's not even her uncle's stuff but it's her uncle's partner's crap. I've been trying to be there emotionally for everyone while I've been so spent for so long. I ask Britt how she's doing. 'I'm ok'. I ask Warren how he's doing. 'I'm ok'. I ask Tom how he's doing. 'I'm ok'. I ask my g/f how she's doing. 'I'm ok'. And literally NOONE is OK. Nothing is progressing. Nothing is getting solved. Nothing is HAPPENING. Everyone I'm around is fucking miserable and doesn't see a therapist. I'm a therapist - I've been trying to be there for everyone (even my g/f's P.O.S. mom) and there's just so much neglect. This is a damn mansion that's huge and I find myself cleaning up after everyone else because no one is doing it. I'm surrounded by (let me count) 20ish boxes and there's stuff that's thrown on top of them. The hallway downstairs smells like piss because Warren doesn't clean up after his dog and just uses a paper towel and dabs things. Everyone is miserable. I heard from Britt that Tom doesn't feel like this is his home anymore and is going to leave. That's $800/month that we can't afford to lose. Warren has been saying this doesn't feel like home anymore. He's not even paying rent, but takes care of some other bills, like the cable bill and some electric and oil. Britt, since she moved here in August, has hated it. We've had multiple floods with broken subpumps that means her section of the house/apartment was all flooded a couple times and she hates where she's working and has mentioned she wants to save enough money to leave and go to Ireland or Scotland. That's another $1200/month we can't afford to lose. G/f's mom isn't paying rent and instead is using her goddamn monthly fixed income to get new flooring on her section of the house. My g/f has said she's sick of being used by people but hasn't said anything to anyone. Everyone is just.... doing horrible and there's no communication and over the past few months I've realized just how screwed they are mentally and how desperately literally everyone in this house needs to get a therapist and get their goddamn lives on track. All the while I'm working a job I hate (nursing home) and a job that I love but isn't giving me any hours (dudebros therapy agency) and I feel like I'm barely taking care of what's going on at the house, nevermind taking care of myself. I was weighed in at some point with all this shitshow and I'm 370 pounds - heaviest I've ever been in my life. Couple that with the injuries from doing these house flips that I haven't healed from, as well as extremely broken sleep and I feel like I'm falling apart. I mentioned before that it feels like I aged 20 years and at this point, maybe it's more. I'm trying.... I'm trying to be supportive and I just can't do it. I think I need to move back with my sister (who, if anyone new is reading this: she's dying of cancer and is the only family I have left. And where I used to live and just a dumping ground for my sister and her husband's random shit they can't be bothered to deal with so I honestly feel like I'm essentially homeless since there isn't a single spot that's 'mine'). I have clients where they are depressed and overwhelmed and I'm at a point where all I can think is, 'yeah...me too. I got nothing to help with at this point.' I have 1 client who is moving to california in about a month. Another who is moving to a massachusettes in about two months. And once both are gone, I'll be down to literally THREE clients. I was told, multiple times, that there were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many clients and that they could get more more and I said 'ok, I'll take them' and surprise surprise, they DON'T have more. Just like that last job. Just like all these jobs. I desperately need to just throw out this entire life that I'm in. I have a shitty hand and I have strong urges to pack up my shit and just don't tell anyone where I'm going and start from scratch. There's no room in the fridge to do food shopping and cooking of healthy food so it's just delivery and take-out all the time. I'm sick of it. I feel nauseous multiple times a week. I don't WANT this stuff: it just feels like that's the only option available. And because I'm so goddamn miserable I just deal with it. Fine, I'll eat pizza and then have to shit in the middle of the night 3 times. Whatever. Who cares? I could just fucking die. Whatever. At least if I'm dead I can fucking sleep. That's where I'm at these days. At least if I'm dead I'm not tossing and turning because my left knee is swollen and locking up from the furniture move. At least if I'm dead I don't have excruciating back pain and left hip pain and I won't have to have shooting sharp pain into my elbow when I grip anything more than two pounds. At least if I'm dead I don't have to fucking clean and be surrounded by trash. This is absolutely awful. Also, saw my ex at the supermarket (even though she supposedly moved a few sates away) and I felt panic set in because I guess I'm not over the trauma *that* shit caused years ago. Like, I don't even think anyone should read any of the shit I'm posting here. I'm just doing it because I need to get it out of my system for mental health reasons. I've had plenty of low moments in my life and this just feels like a slow, painful, grating one. Almost like when you're on a train and you hear them hit the breaks and there is that long loud squeal of metal grating as you feel your whole body shift in slow-mo. And maybe worst of all of this, as I get ready to work with one of my clients in a few minutes, is that I don't see some sort of gradual fix to this. This doesn't seem to be a sort of, 'well we'll chip away at this week by week and it'll get better'. The rate of speed that things are going, everyone in this house is going to fucking die of old age before things are cleaned and better here. I have to sacrifice the physical pain to get something, ANYTHING done on a weekly basis because if I don't, everyone is fine with leaving hundreds of pictures in the hallways and food rotting in the fridge and garbage bags piling up on top of the kitchen counter and then wrapping around to the other side and going to the door (a lot of this is from my g/f, but the others don't help). The thing is, I have no authority here. I'm not on the executor of the estate. I'm not the legal owner/inheritor of this property. I don't have a leg to stand on. And my g/f, who does, is either too defeated or too chicken-shit to put her foot down and address this stuff. Wow, we're surrounded by boxes and trash and it's been THREE WEEKS AND HER CLOTHES AREN'T EVEN PUT AWAY IN HER WALK-IN CLOSET. Let's instead go back to her parent's house and sift through some junk. Like, you can't take this long: you get a dumpster and you just start throwing stuff away. You spend like 10 hours on a saturday and a sunday and you just pick it up and go, 'is this worth more than $100 bucks? is it sentimental?' if the answer is 'no' then throw it out. Don't sift through it and bring yet another box of random mugs and other stupid shit and then leave it on the kitchen counter with the bags of mounding trash. She just doesn't get how to do this and I try and then I get shit for it because, like, we might be able to sell a random book about Cher for 15 bucks on ebay so let's just have books stacked against a wall and leave it there and jump to another project and never actually finish ANYTHING. Let's have 100 unfinished projects of piled up shit in every corner and on every surface that exists. And all this ranting started because of trash flying into my goddamn eyes because no one is pulling their weight around here and I feel like this broken down old shithead who is in pain trying to stem this unending tide. I'm at a point that I think I just need to leave. The thing is, I know when I do that, I'll get hell from my g/f because she'll consider it me abandoning her and then I'll get the guilt trip and then it will escalate into us breaking up and I just... I don't know anymore. I just don't. With my sister not having much time, my g/f is basically the only person I have IRL these days. Everyone else is either dead or has been gone for years. I feel so incredibly alone and I post on here once in a while and nothing fixes it. Nothing fixes the fact that I feel like I'm slowly dying alone. I started more hours at the nursing home, which I hate. I was desperate for money at this point. They hyped it up - so many clients. I have a list of 30 people. I went in today and left after two hours because of how much I hated it. I try to talk to someone and do a basic assessment and I get to explain why she shouldn't draw swastikas 5 times. I have to yell in people's faces because of how deaf they are. I tried to find a side-room to talk to someone and a woman in a wheelchair wanted to get into the lounge and was telling me to get the keycode while she is kicking the doorhandle. It's 100 degrees in this place and it makes it hard to breathe or move (which, you know, dealing with multiple injuries and being the fattest in my life don't help that situation). I talked to a guy on the 4th floor and he told me about how his wife died and how he is paralyzed. He said something to the effect of, '25 years and this is where it leads me. I'm just sitting here, waiting to die.' The future is so grim. If you want instant depression, go to a nursing home. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of this house. I have to get out of this relationship. I have to get out of this job. I have to get out of his state. I have to get out. I have to get out. I feel my soul just eroding as I try my best to help clients. One of the hallmark questions when doing the PHQ-9 for depression is the following (it's worded differently sometimes): 'Do you have little to not enjoyment or interest in things that you used to like?' That's a big, fat, yes for me. I play videogames and think, 'I hate this shit'. I watch youtube and think, 'this sucks. I'm bored/irritated.' There is no catharsis of sorts and no escape. And the thing is, NF is one of those things. I used to be happy and excited to be on here and socializing. Now I'm just trying to survive and make updates ( again, for my mental health at this point). I'm on challenge #97. 97. I'm almost at challenge 100. 100 challenges in a row. No missed ones. Plenty that fizzled out of motivation but I still posted a few times and made attempts. What the hell do I have to show for myself 100 challenges later? My mental health is so goddamn horrible right now. I'm thinking at this point, if I'm able to get a free therapist because I make jack shit for $ (because of the lack of hours) then I need to go. Well, there's probably more to say but I have a client in a couple minutes who is unmotivated in life. Wonder what the fuck I can tell him at this point...

Pretty much how I'm going right now. Ok, so the past week has been so awful that it lead to a breaking point. Multiple bags of crap has been thrown out. I don't care if other people in the house want to 'pick' at it these cadbury eggs, reeces, and more - you can keep it in your room. I felt extremely ill. Cramps. 5 times waking up to go to the bathroom. After that day, (monday) I haven't had any garbage. There's some pb+j and gluten free bread around so that's currently the worst thing I could have. I went to the market and bought some veggies today (brocc and asparagus) and I took the healthy leftovers from easter and put them all in my glass bowls which are 100000% mine and no one touches. So the leftover unhealthy stuff (like the huge bag of cheesy potato au gratin and super salty ham and the stupid pies) are available for people. I dumped out the gray stuff because I haven't had a case of the granny-apple splatters that bad in at least a year. If no one is going to eat it, then fuck you all, I'm not going to keep eating it because of my addiction and making myself sick. Down the drain you go. The lean turkey breast and the sausage scramble that I made with apples, pears, cauliflower, and spinach is all in *my* bowls. Also I dumped the juice from easter instead of trying to justify keeping it around to chug and add unwanted calories. I'm still in a hell of a lot of pain and can barely pick up a box of books but I decided that this weekend I'm going back to the gym. I feel like with how much babying I'm doing, paired with the shit eating, that I've aged like 20 years. No joke, it feels like I slid back to having like ....negative muscle mass. I've rested up enough and I feel like it's at the turning point where I need to stop making excuses and start kicking ass again.

I have had the info about the new challenge coming up for over a week now and I opened up a new tab to start a challenge and just looked at the screen, blankly. There's just so much going on that I don't even know where to begin. The move into the new house has happened but we're still cleaning, moving, sorting, organizing, and recovering from numerous injuries that happened during the move. I worked my supermarket job yesterday and I now know that I can't pick up something that weighs 2 pounds without having sharp stabbing pain shoot through my forearm and into my elbow. I'm trying to do a balancing act of making progress vs trying to heal. Left knee? Swollen and has trouble bending. Left ankle? Rolled it the day of the move and get bad pains in it. Combine these and getting off the couch, walking, or stairs puts me in so much pain that by the time I sit back down, I'm breathing heavy like I just ran a marathon. Then both arms have this grip-forearm stabbing thing going on. Needless to say, I haven't been to the gym. Sleep has been horrible. Last night was waking up at 12, 1, 2:30, 3something, and 4:45. The past week I've been passing out on the couch in the middle of the day (based on work schedule) just so I don't go insane with sleep deprivation. I feel myself giving zero fooks about anything. So when it was time to write up a challenge, I just thought how literally every challenge is so goddamn disappointing and that I start off with the best of intentions to check on people's threads and post on my own but even sitting here at the computer right now is giving me cramps in my foot, knee, and my hip. Recovery is slow. Painfully slow. But that's what this challenge has to be about. There's no 'post x times per week' and no 'gym x times per week' and 'whole30 for months' stuff this round. I literally just need to recuperate. I don't really even know what to put as clear concise goals. We all know the drill: make S.M.A.R.T. goals. What even *is* a SMART goal for me at this point? Try to sleep? Don't do any heavy lifting until I've made a full recovery? Is my goal supposed to be: Play videogames? I'm not really sure. I think that just trying to come on here and talk about some progress I'm making with the house is a good start and I'll see after that. So today: -Moved the leftover unsorted clothes onto the bed (they're all ladyfriend's shit so idk where it's going or what she's doing with it). -Move the boxes out of the way from the doorway -Move the bedframe to behind the bed to get it off the floor in front of the tv -Sort all my clothes/move an empty wheely container out of the closet and use it -Move the suitcases out of the way -Assemble and move the chair and 8-foot long mirror to the corner area -Charge my phone I have work in about 2 hours so I think now I'll rest and then have a couple clients. Oh, my supervisor said he had more clients for me so he's going to let me know about contact information pretty soon. I have my schedule somewhat ironed out and I also submitted a photo and bio for their website so that should be fun to see soon.

Everything hurts. Being at the computer is only because I have a client in about 12 minutes. This weekend I rolled my ankle and that was at the *start* of the big move this weekend. The two movers that came to help couldn't get a couch up a flight of stairs so I ended up helping. One of them was yelling, 'I got the couch! I got it!' and I went, 'No. It's on my head'. Yeah, the weight of the couch was on my head/neck as I was in-between the movers. Even Ladyfriend's mom commented and said, 'Looks like you were doing more than them'. The younger mover messed up his back as well. Moved about 30 boxes along with two beds, the couch, two tvs, and just random other shit. After 9 or so hours, I literally couldn't pick up a bureau and told ladyfriend I'M DONE. I couldn't feel my hands, they were so numb and the ends were turning purple. I've slept like shit for two nights now, since my left knee is so swollen and it cramps up after about 5 minutes of being in any 1 position. I hate meds but I broke down and took some tylenol. Today I worked in the morning, moved two box-springs, a queen mattress, and shoved a california king mattress up against a wall. I was going to try to wash the floors but I didn't have enough time since I had to head to DudeBros tonight and that's where I'm typing this. I've been running on fumes for days now. I called out of work on Monday morning at the supermarket because I couldn't even stand up straight (was leaning hunched over on the banister and sliding my body along the wall). Today I can kind of grab a cup of water without shooting stabbing pain going through my forearm and into the crook of my elbow. I haven't been to the gym in like 2 weeks - I don't intend to. This was the most grueling workout I've ever done. I desperately need to sleep for a week solid. Thankfully, tomorrow is only a couple clients with tele-health so I don't even need to leave the house. Oh, and the paperwork is almost done. I'll be able to send that off in the next day or so. Ladyfriend is able to edit pdf files on her computer (I can't on mine) so since her work is just sitting and being bored(honestly), she filled it all out for me. I'm going to look it over and fill out any missing pieces tonight or tomorrow and then send it off to Nursing Home Job. Oh, and I had supervision and I'm doing great with my clients and he said last night, 'For other people we've hired, weekly check-ins would be mandatory because I don't feel confident in what they're doing but honestly you're doing great so it's up to you: we don't have to meet every week if you don't want to'. Basically this guy trusts me with his company and the therapy work that I'm doing already. He didn't want to think I was being snubbed: if I want weekly supervision, we can still do that, but if I'm busy or don't have an issue with a client, we can do it on an 'as-needed' basis. Honestly besides the pain and the fact that I've been living off of take-out for the past couple days since there was no functioning kitchen, things are going great. I just desperately need to recuperate and then I can do some cleaning/unpacking this weekend and normalize this new place I'm living at.

I'm in so much pain. Quick post because I have a client in about 8 minutes and I just got home from another client at the office. I moved a couch yesterday. First piece I was doing it solo. The second piece, someone at the house noticed and helped get it down the curved stairway. Legs hurt. Arms hurt to flex. It feels like I have arthritis in every joint in my body from how much moving I've been doing. Saturday the movers are coming and I'm trying to get 99% of our stuff moved out of here so we can just relax after the last of the furniture is swapped around this weekend. I feel like I could sleep for a month straight. I haven't been able to come on here, although I think about it a lot. Even being here at the computer hurts but I have a client in a couple minutes so I figured I would write this out. DudeBros want to give me more clients. Good. I want to be up to 10 hours/clients per week. Most of my clients want to see me every single week so that makes it easier for scheduling for me. I have a new guy I'm seeing tomorrow and I'll see how that goes. The nursing home job - they need me to fill out a 45 page pdf thing before I start at the new place and it's....daunting. I don't even know what some of this shit is so I'm going to tackle some of that tonight after I finish working. Alright - it's 4:55 so I need to prep for my next client. I'm hoping I can just breathe a sigh of relief after this weekend and this bullshit of living out of (and surrounded by) boxes will be all done.

So I had that difficult conversation. Told my supervisor that I don't want to waste my time and only see 1-2 people so I want a big establishment. Well, she listed off some places that needed help. I said that if she wanted to send me a list of the places and I would look into each of them (basically so I could see if they were a small nursing home or something bigger). Then I get a text this morning. She spoke to the owner of the company and they need help at a certain place. Then I ask if I can, you know, actually SEE a lot of clients. It's pointless if I can't work with 99% of them because they don't have insurance. I was told, 'there are 56 medicare patients'. 56 56 people that I can see? If I cut that in half for people with dementia, that's 28 people. Let's say a couple people don't want/need therapy. That still gives me a solid 20+ clients. I was hoping for 7ish and I figured I would have to do another two or three nursing homes. But now? I'm getting over 20. I end up looking good for the company and I get a couple half-days of work which is EXACTLY what I wanted. I decided to do a test-run to get there and it's basically two back roads. No highway. Barely any traffic and it's like 20ish minutes away. This week ladyfriend and I will be taking apart the beds at her parent's house and then moving them to the main house this weekend. This means that THE BIG MOVE will happen within the next week and a half. Things are finally starting to fall into place.

Job details below So many aches and pains. It's just... constant now. I can't wait to NOT be moving furniture, boxes, and trash until I'm numb. --- I had two job interviews. One was through Mass and it was traveling. I don't mind making house-calls. I mean, if I'm paid while I'm driving then being in traffic still = money, right? That one the woman said she would send me more contact info but haven't heard back. The other job.... sheesh. The good news about the other one: It pays insane. I'm taking like $100-$180/per hour. The bad news: It's working with people who have sexual assault history and were in possession of child pornography. Ehh, ok, a tough sell but I wouldn't be in this field if I was a judgemental person and if they *are* that type of person, it's not like they want to be. I'm willing to work with them and put aside any bias... ...Then I found out it was 3+ evenings. I'm *ALREADY * working a couple evenings at DudeBros. Alright.... well....maybe.... ...Then I found out it was group-work. I'm not opposed to leading groups but I've also never done it so it's tough pill to swallow since I'm completely out of my expertise. Ehh... ...Then I found out it was at the prison and many people are hostile and don't want to be in group. Well, ok, now I get why I would be making 100-180/hour there. Sorry but doing one-on-one therapy work currently makes less than half that per hour, but I'd rather have peace of mind and do what I'm currently doing, rather than get shanked with a melted toothbrush shiv while at the prison at night because I'm in a hornet-nest of inmates that don't want to be there. I don't think I'm able to pull a Rorschach there. Today as I was working my other jobs (supermarket at 6am. Nursing home after.) I get a text message from my Nursing Home Job's supervisor, asking about how there was no notes written in for last week. The reason? Everyone was sick and contagious so I left them alone. I explained this and then thought about it today. I decided I'm going to have a difficult conversation with my supervisor tonight... I'm going to jump into working more nursing homes. If I can get guaranteed more hours per week working with nursing home clients by picking up more nursing homes, then I can just do that in the mornings and then pick up more hours with DudeBros in the evenings. My schedule might look like this: Nursing home 8am-12pm. DudeBros 3pm-7pm. That's an 8 hour day, but I have a big break mid-day. If I can swing something like that a couple days a week, that would give me the schedule/hours I want. That gives me the mid-day break to do casenotes for the Nursing home and then the following day, do my Nursing Home notes AND my DudeBros notes. Considering how the Nursing home doesn't care when I work (so I like to go early in the morning) and DudeBros is getting clients that all want evening hours, I essentially can just do a half-day at each job. The supervisor at DudeBros is going to be quitting his main job and going full-time for his DudeBros company and he's said a few times that he'd love to have me aboard and help grow the business so I know he's all about giving me more time. If the Nursing Home can guarantee that I'll get those clients, then I basically am making my own schedule and can work as many days with this split-shift situation as I want. The problem with the Nursing Home Job is the amount of clients. A quick break-down: I'm at a nursing home with 40 patients. Of those 40 patients, 25% of them have an insurance that I'm able to work with (because I'm only an LCSW and NOT an LICSW) Of those 10 patients, half of them test for dementia, meaning they don't 'get' anything out of doing therapy. Of those 5 patients, some either don't need therapy and some don't want therapy. Also, the nursing home I'm at had two of the patients that I was seeing weekly die so now it takes longer to drive to the nursing home than it takes to see the clients available. If I can have a conversation with my supervisor and get a bigger pool of people, then it would be worth my time. Let's say my supervisor is able to get me a BIG nursing home, with like 100 people. Let's use the same math: Of 100 people, 25 of them have an insurance I can work with. Of those 25, half of them test for dementia so I'm down to 13ish. Of the 13ish, half don't want or need therapy. Then I'm down to 7ish. 7 clients is a reasonable day. I'll see how this goes.

Last night was really nice. Finally had a 'date night' and we went to Chellos and I got a steak and some veggies so it was all whole30. I was still sore as hell. I woke up a lot last night though ( I think 3 or 4 times) and when my alarm went off to hit the gym just sitting up was a lot to do. No gym today. I want to go tomorrow. I had two job interviews today. One is in Mass and seems to be a traveling social worker and for a part-time gig, they give medical, paid time off, and a lot of other perks. Not sure the pay but considering how much they were throwing at the job, I can't image it being less than what I've been doing at the other jobs. The 2nd interview was for working with sex offenders like 5 minutes away from my house. Interesting - didn't know there was a clinical agency so close. Again, part time which is what I want, but *also* has really good medical benefits. I passed round 1 for each interview so both places are scheduling me for round 2 with each of the supervisors I would work with. They both *seem* good but you never know. I told them that I would work there in about a month- this gives the guy at the DudeBros job to get settled in and quit his other job and go full-time as a clinician. Once that happens, I was going to have a talk with him about me getting like a dozen more clients. So no matter what, I think things will be sorted out job-wise in the next month or so. Moving-wise, we did so much this past weekend and it feels like we have 1, maybe 2 big pushes left until we do the house swap and that's going to happen in the next two weeks. Fingers crossed that by the end of this current challenge, everything will be smooth sailing. Wanted to do some reading but the stupid job interviews threw off my whole morning. I have about 15 minutes before I need to leave for work. Tomorrow I only have 1 client in the evening so I really want to go to the gym, do cleaning, cooking, and check on threads. Maybe I'll even have a job interview scheduled.

This past weekend was rough. I did a lot of cleaning and moving. Ladyfriend and I donated another 12 garbage bags worth of shoes and clothes. Then collected 10 garbage bags of, well, garbage and brought it home so we could leave it out since trash was this morning. Every joint hurt. Knees, feet, back, inner elbows. We've been just pushing and pushing and pushing and it's exhausting. Also ended up spending time next door to help out Ladyfriend's Uncle's partner who is a nervous wreck/anxiety mess and help him with getting his shit together and cleaning so we can actually MOVE IN in the near future. I'm sympathetic here towards him losing someone he loved, but at the same time, surrounding yourself with garbage bags of clothes and having cat/dog shit/piss everywhere and worrying about where to put a fucking poster is the LAST of his concerns. So Ladyfriend and I basically cleaned for him and made it a group effort so he actually did something productive. We were able to fit everything we own in a single walk-in closet that's upstairs and sort of segmented off her uncle's stuff from the uncle's partner's stuff (since they were living together, trying to sort it all is a big hassle. We can't just throw it out because it might not even be her uncle's crap). I didn't go to the gym because basically I did heavy lifting and cleaning both days for hours on end. I was so tired that I knew I was supposed to post on here this weekend and I just... couldn't. The thought of actually getting off the couch once I collapsed wasn't doable. But I figured I worked at the market already (at 6am) and then I hit up my job at the nursing home, and I have an hour before I have my dr annual checkup so I'm trying to fit this post in somewhere. Oh, and I have two interviews tomorrow morning so I'll see how that ends up going. I desperately need some sense of normalcy. I've been living out of bags and surrounded by trash for close to 5 months now. I just want to get the beds and other furniture moved and be settled in and have the job shit sorted out as well. In terms of eating - I'm still doing well but last night was a struggle. I was in so much pain and my brain was saying 'junk food junk food'. I told Ladyfriend that I wanted pizza and she was on her phone ready to order. She asked me, 'are you sure?' and I said, "I don't want to end up feeling sick and getting the shits ON TOP of feeling this awful so...no". No junk food. I ate a few grapes and just felt tired and aggravated instead, which honestly is how I'm still kind of feeling. I told her that we need to do something fun that we can relax with so we're going on a date tonight. Hitting up a restaurant and they don't have gluten free dessert so I already know I'll be getting a steak with asparagus and maybe some potatoes. I'll try and check up on people tomorrow morning in between those job interviews.

In the biz, we call that 'pile of shame' LOL. I'm committed to not buying any more armies until my flesheaters are DONE. I'm ok with quicktime events in 'Until Dawn' and 'Dante's Inferno'. Until Dawn because that's the narrative game and the choices change things based on failing them. Dante's Inferno had the *same* QTEs for monsters so it didn't feel like I was being blindsided and screwing up. Besides those exceptions, I'm with you on QTEs.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Good to see you back and congrats!

I was wondering where Wick went and I guess he donned some armor.

Gym: Did it. I decided to do legs today. My right foot cramped up a bit while I was doing 250 pound calf raises but I did everything else fine. I'm trying to get to a certain benchmark in a bunch of different lifts and then have those be my 'stable muscle workout' numbers. Ok, so I want to get more into cardio since that's what worked before. There's no point being all Mr Muscle Hunk if there's tons of fat over it. No bueno. Gotta show up what I'm working with, you know? The plan is to hit the following benchmarks and then NOT increase my lifts, but instead do that same workout over and over and start ramping up cardio. That way I don't *lose* muscle mass if I do a 180 and become a cardio bunny. The numbers I'm trying to hit are as follows: Leg Adduction/Abduction (which I mix up all the time) The one where I CLOSE my legs: 200lbs. (I hit this one recently and I'm good) I The one where I OPEN my legs: 260lbs. (The machine maxes out on this weight and I've been at the max for a while now so just keeping it simple and staying here) Leg Press: 300lbs. I'm taking this one easy because I *did* hit 300 but my knee was killing me for two weeks afterwards. It probably wasn't from this exercise but I'm still playing it safe and building back to 300. Calf Raise: 300lbs. See above. I think this is the one that I overdid it on so I'm at 250 now and slowly building back up to 300. Sumo Squat: 300lb. See above...again. Leg Curl: 120 pounds. I'm doing 100 comfortably and I think that going up 1 plate/bar/thingy and staying at 120 is solid. Leg Extension: 120 pounds. See above. Overhead lat rows: 120lbs. Feels good. I kind of want to go up to 140 but maybe I'll stay here at 120. Regular Seated Row: 120lbs as well. I had to look this one up because I only know the following exercise as 'douchebag curls' because I feel like a total doucehbag using two machines and looking at myself in the mirror. But it's 'overhead cable curl': These I'm TERRIBLE at and I'm currently doing 35 per arm. I really wish I could do 50 per arm. This and the next exercise might be the only ones I really need help with increasing my #s. Since I'm doing the full total, let's call it: 70lbs curls. Tricep work: 60-70pounds. It sort of varies on which thing I do and I do a few of these. There's the rope cable extension, which is in the 70lb range. But then the overhead ones that are like this: Are lighter. Using the bar with a supine grip and wide stance is also on the lighter side, but the more 'closed in' versions I tend to do better at. Having all of them at 70lbs is what I'm aiming for. Cable Flys (which I don't consider douchey unlike the douche-curls is because there is another machine that is not dead center, not facing a mirror, and it one whole machine when I do these): Pair of 35slbs. Lastly, The dreaded bench press (and incline bench press). I've hurt myself so many times once I hit a pair of 60s/120lbs total and then I have to dial it back and build back up again. Honestly, I would love it if I could get a solid 150lb total but idk how feasible that is tbh. So that's the whole workout (besides the elliptical and the stretching that I *should* do on the weird stretching chair). Each exercise, where I'm at, and where I want my benchmark 'streamline' workout # to be: Leg Adduction: 200lbs Leg Abduction: 260lbs Leg Press: 250lbs (building up to 300lbs) Calf Raise: 250lbs (building up to 300lbs) Sumo Squat: 250lbs (building up to 300lbs) Leg Curl: 100lbs (almost 120lbs) Leg Extension: 100lbs (almost 120lbs) Overhead Lat Rows: 120lbs (hovering/maybe 140) Seated Rows: 120lbs (hovering/maybe 140) Douche-Curls: 70lbs (wish it was way more...) Tricep Work: 70lbs (varies but trying to get all tricep lifts to 70) Cable Flys: 70lbs (wish it was way more...) Bench Press: 100lbs/hovering (wish it was way more...) Seated Bench Press: 100lbs/hovering (wish it was way more...) That's all the workouts. I need to add core stuff to this as I was doing that a bunch but after an injury and then the drama over the holidays, it just sort of fell behind and I'm so gassed doing all the above (split between 3 workouts) and then on top of it trying to add in cardio, it's just a lot. So whenever I talk about 'gym', it's all the above stuff. Today was legs, so it was the leg adduction/abduction/leg press/calf raise/ sumo squat/leg curl/leg extension and then some elliptical. Whole30: Still going strong. I feel mentally clearer and overall good. I think that at night is when I get tired and my brain thinks 'oh sugar is energy, have some of that' and if I can just have an rx bar or a piece of fruit, that shuts my brain up so I honestly think I got this almost 10000% nailed down which is a huge deal for me. Job: Has supervision last night and DudeBros gave me another client. The guy who I do supervision is a co-owner and he is going to be making the switch to this practice and leaving his job at the prison so I'm going to give him a couple weeks to get settled before I seriously ask about full-time or at least way more hours. As it is, a trickle of a new client here or there is fine for now while I still figure out MassJob. It's Tuesday and I still have about 2 hours before I have to get ready for work. I checked on 7 or 8 threads and have two more I want to check on. Creativity: Still mulling it over. I'd rather get everything above all solidified first. --- Oh yeah, also I'm in the middle of still packing up and moving a house so there's all that crap I'm dealing with. I'm surrounded by boxes and need to haul a couple things before I leave for work.

hand knee?

Sorry to hear about that. How you holding up, man?

Cute ink

I beat myself up if I'm 'not productive enough' but since 'productive enough' leads to my feet, knees, and back in excruciating pain, it's really hard to find that balance of pushing myself and feeling that's 'enough'. I've noticed that most people have the best of intentions but are bad at reading the social cues and understanding what people actually need/want in a scenario. Happens all the time with the clients I see.

What kind? Any preference?

Jeez, I'm a natural early morning riser and I thought 5am every day was bad. You pass out at like 7pm? I'm asleep on the couch by 8ish most nights. In a way, yeah. I mean, eating junkfood and drinking booze are sort of 'panaceas'. Happy? Celebrate with junk/booze. Sad and want to forget? Have junk/booze. Bored? Have junk/booze. So it's good you recognized that.

Pretty awesome. What songs do you cover/do? For a split second, I thought of IED which is a WAY different scenario...

*poke*

Pretty much - yes. I think that I have been trying to compromise with myself because I wasn't honestly really 100% ready to commit to whole30 but I'm doing it now and I feel like a burden is off my shoulders, in a sense. Thanks, now if I can get this job to actually TALK to me and make it worth my while, I'll be doing great. --- Gym: While I've been detoxing, I've been super super sluggish and having a hard time with trying to force myself to the gym. This also includes coming onto here to catch up. This weekend was the first time I was able to shake off that haze. I worked out this morning (back+biceps+elliptical). Since I'm working tomorrow at 6am but go into work late on Tues, I'll hit the gym Tuesday morn. Then try for Thurs/Sat for 4x this week. Whole30: I haven't messed up. The hardest part, I feel, is finally over. Instead of battling the physical and mental addiction of food, the physical has been detoxed. My sister was talking about cupcakes. Zero interest. Ladyfriend got some valentine's day candy from her mom and I didn't want it and after 2 days I threw it in the trash (I'm sick of it being left around). Honestly, the 'treat' I have are the damn fiber gummies which are super sweet now. I've been cooking a bit more with fruit as well. For instance, I made Hoisen Beef and used a splash of grape juice with the coconut aminos and sesame seed oil and it turned out pretty good. Last night I made some balsamic pork chops with diced pears, apples, and red onion all simmered together and that was pretty good too. I tend to have a banana every night and an RX bar which is 100% whole30. The other day, ladyfriend wanted to get take-out and I told her that I'll ONLY do 'Five Guys Restaurant' because I can get a burger there in a lettuce wrap and with caramelized onions and mushrooms. No ketchup (that's not w30) no cheese (dairy is not w30). I had my lettuce wrap and was happy. I've been thinking a lot about how I have a feeling that this might end up like my prior relationship, where I was getting zero support IRL and I started being on NF more and more. Once I lost like 60 pounds, that was when the Spartan Race happened and was the catalyst for ending that toxic 12-year relationship. I love her but like... we're just going in different direction. Me forward and her.....nowhere. She's stagnant and I'm tired of being like this. I've had a ton of discussions with her and she says she's miserable, but there's no change. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt but honestly, if we fast-forward a year and I end up losing like 100 pounds and am about to get my last license upgrade so I can have my own business and she's still stuck where she is now, there's going to be a *serious* decision to be made... Job: So I contacted MassJob and still heard nothing from them. I'm emailing them one more time before I guess I wasted a few hundred dollars getting Mass certified *shrugs*. Pain in the ass. I'll look at indeed/linkdin this upcoming week to see if anything strikes my fancy. DudeBros talked to me about me going fulltime. Idk how many hours that is, though, because most therapists work like 24 hours a week because of how intense it is and how you do stuff outside of work (like casenotes, looking up references, booking appointments, etc). Do they expect 40 clients/hours? Or are they just fine with throwing 3-4 people at me per day and that counts as fulltime? That's a discussion to be had within the coming weeks. NF: I checked on a few threads. I think I'm going to dedicate certain days to hopping on here. I'm thinking I'll combo it with days I hit the gym, so since I'm trying to work out Sun/Tues/Thurs/Sat, that means I'll post on a few threads and catch up then. Right now I'm going to do some cooking and cleaning and push ladyfriend to do the same. Creativity: Up in the air - I keep wanting to write but I think I'm sort of looking for inspiration or a catalyst to start writing something big.

So what happens if there are some dead cats and some live cats at the end? Or if you get all dead cats= dead cat at the end of the challenge? If you only get all alive cats at the end of the challenge is it an official alive cat win challenge? If there are some alive cats and some dead cats do you just re-do the challenge until there is a streak of all alive cats? This dilemma gives me paws.

WARIO coins

Got a couple of legs moving. Aww . Reminds me of Rufus. He was a total dickhead to everyone except me. When you find it, let me know. I wake up like 4x a night when I eat junk food but it still happened at least once a night when I'm eating 'perfect'. So the hot garbage mess is getting cleaned up with toxic bossboss being gone?