Cheeky_Echo

Think I've decided that its a no go on the job for now. They mentioned to me several times the possibility of a summer start date so if that is something that turns into a viable option I will reconsider it then, but I think for now I'm sticking with my current situation. I still think I'd really enjoy the job, but I'm not financially prepared to make that big of a move and I'm not spontaneous enough to just go for it. So. Maybe something else will come together, maybe this same position will re-present itself under different circumstances, maybe something all together different will happen to me or maybe I'll decided to stay exactly where I am. I do long for adventure and to see things I've never seen before. I do long for a job with more freedom but honestly if I did a better job getting my finances under control I could have more options for travel and doing that sort of thing with my current job. I mean I do have every holiday off, 2 weeks at Christmas, a week spring break, and some time in the summer (I work in the summer at least for now for the school so I don't have the entire summer of like a normal teacher, but I could if I wanted). I think the biggest issue for me is I don't know what I want. I want to go and see and do. But I also want to feel grounded and settled. I want land and horses and a homestead type farm but I also want to go on epic backpack adventures and travel out west for weeks. I'm having a hard time seeing first, how any of that is possible for me to do alone and on my tiny current salary and second, how those two things could possibly both be a reality for me. Horses and chickens and cows and dogs and cats and gardens are not things that can be left for weeks at a time for me to go out and adventure. I suppose I am being guilty of creating self limiting factors on myself. Maybe that's my biggest problem.....I suddenly feel like I'm having a therapy session with myself as I type .... hahahahaha

The skype option is a no go. I am feeling more and more confident that they want me, but they are not offering me any other options then to fly myself out there. Its frustrating. I literally have no idea what to do. I have no gut feel, I have no "toss a penny and pick a side" I have no pros, cons list that's conclusive...nothing. But some really awesome looking pictures of the area and a "feel" that I'd have fun with it for a least a little while but also I know money will stress me the fuck out and I'm terrified of quitting my current job and driving across the country. UUUUGGGGHHHH. I want to get in my bed and hide under the covers and when I reappear I want it to all be figured out for me.

I sent an email today asking for a skype or conference call option for the interview. If they allow it and then if they offer me a position I will fly out there to make my decision. It just seems to stressful and expensive for simply an interview, that may not even turn out into a job offer. We'll see what they say.

Been MIA for a good week or so. Here's the run down: FuelFoods arrived the end of last week, taste is pretty decent, not as good as if I had cooked it myself, but honestly the convenience is amazing. Basically meals ready to eat in your fridge. Its expensive but worth the price, as least for one person. I've been making green smoothies from the Simple Green Smoothie girls that Steve mentioned in an article recently. That is expensive too! Its SO MUCH produce. But so far they have all tasted great and I'm getting in some much needed greens. I only made it to the gym 2 days last week, but they were two good days. I am still struggling to get stuff moved out of the old house. But I made some more baby step progress towards it this past week. Sold a few things as well which put an extra $100 in my pocket that I will be putting towards buying Christmas presents, I have until the end of the month to get it all done, but good lord its been a long slow process. I could have been done in one weekend if I just buckled down and did it AND if I had some help. But I'm going at it alone and being at the old house which is half empty is just depressing so I only end up staying for like an hour or two then I leave. Oh well. I got a call this weekend from a company called Pink Jeep Tours about a job opportunity. Its an adventure tourism group based out of Sedona AZ that takes people out in literal pink 4X4 jeeps to do rock crawls and sight seeing. They are currently hiring tour guides. I talked with them for over an house on Friday night, getting the details of the job. Its full time, year long, includes all basic medical, dental etc. It sounds and look really super cool. I've never been to the area but all the pictures look amazing. The guy I spoke with was very friendly and informative. Overall, it sounds great. And a really nice change of pace and change of scenery for me. And it will give me some really great experience in the adventure tourism industry which is something I think I'd really like to do. AND I'd get to spend my days driving around a PINK jeep. Pink in my favorite color At the top of my "cons" list is 1) the pay is crappy, $13 an hour and then they assume that you make the rest of your money through tips and 2) Packing up my car and moving 2,000 miles across the country is ridiculously terrifying to me. They want me to do an in person interview in December, and they mentioned nothing about helping with the expense of getting me out there so I assume its at my own expense. I do want to go out there though before i make my decision. I think its important for me to meet these people face to face and to see the area for myself. I think I'll get a clear gut feeling that way.

Gym on Wednesday was a short circuit of push ups, assisted pull ups and dips. I then did some shoulder and tris. I get the point that focusing on the "small muscles" like bis and tris isn't doing a lot of good in the long run for weight loss or building strength and I know here at NF we like to make fun of people doing bicep curls but I'll be honest, arm day is my go-to when I'm feeling unmotivated to work out. First, it doesn't require as much energy as doing the big lifts so I don't get as tired or fatigued and second the pump is real y'all. I walk out of the gym with red and swollen arms that make me feel really badass. So. I did some arm day type work Wednesday. Yesterday I did a short deadlift session with a few sets of accessory stuff. I managed to get up just one morning this week and do yoga. :-( But all things considered I think 3 days of attempted lifting and 1 yoga session still counts as a win. I am finally and slowly starting to feel more comfortable in the new place. I still feel overwhelmed by how much there is to do. So many little things around the new house. All the cleaning that needs to be done at the old house. The process of taking pictures and posting ads for the stuff I want to sell. And lastly figuring out what to do with stuff that I am neither selling or throwing away. I made a decision this week to buy prepared meals from a meal prep company. I bought 20 meals with 10 of them coming to me next week. Its expensive. Like $10 a meal expensive. UUGGGHH, But I'm not eating. I'm not cooking. I'm eating candy and chocolate and crap with the excuse of "I don't have anything in the fridge" but then being too lazy to go to the store and/or cook anything. I think "lazy" is too hard of a word to be honest. Its not lazy so much as its a lack of energy. I feel like so much of my energy is being put into other things right now that I can't afford any on grocery shopping and cooking. We'll see if its worth it or not. I hope it is. I hope with ready to eat health food in my fridge I'll be able to grab it have food for lunch and dinner and feel better about myself. I'm very concerned that it will all be gross :-/ I'll keep you updated.

Lots of good points. I am feeling super exhausted every day. I'm sleeping a solid 10 hours each night, and sleeping very well I might add, but I'm still barley keeping my eyes open during the day and yawning non stop. I haven't even really done any "moving" stuff after work any night this week, but I'm still tired. I went to the gym last night and while I guess it was nice to be back there, it also was a pretty pathetic attempt at a work out. I did some mobility stuff and a few sets of pause squats that that was about it. I was out of there in 30 minutes. I think in general I'm not eating enough calories and the ones i am eating are not quality. Hoping this weekend I can get more, if not all, of my stuff moved and cleared out of the old house. Planning to go to the gym again after work today, even if its just another pathetic 30 minutes :-)

Moved this weekend. Sorta. Since the new place is furnished I don't need most of the stuff in my old house. I moved my bedroom furniture and clothes but I'm still left with my old house full of random stuff. Its really annoying to have the two houses thing going on. I didn't expect the move to the new place to be as emotional as it has been. The new house is really beautiful and big and open with lots of windows but it also feels really unfamiliar so I find myself feeling uncomfortable and kind of wandering around not knowing what to do. Getting my bedroom and bathroom has helped with that some, but I still have a weird home sick type of feeling. And its not that I want to move back to the old place, not at all, but I suppose its a home sick feeling for the familiarity. I know it will come with time and soon I'll feel right at home at the new place but these first few nights have been hard on me and the dogs. They follow me around step for step and I can tell they're giving me that "Are we going home now" look and while I want to be frustrated with them and shoo them away I have to remind myself that they are feeling everything I am feeling and I am the only thing that is familiar to them in the new house. I have not stepped foot in the gym in over a week and I have pretty much stuffed my face with any comfort food I can find. Ugh. I'm feeling tired and shitty. Here's to hoping that this week will start to feel more "normal" And that I can get the old house settled and cleared out so that I don't have to think about it any more.

Called my current landlord and gave him my 30 day notice yesterday (well, more like told him my Nov 1 check will be my 30 day notice). I had been dreading that phone call all week. Not because I thought he'd have any issues with it, in fact I told him about the creepy neighbor and he was very understanding. But making that phone called solidified everything. It made it real. I'm actually moving, not just talking about it. I went home last night and took a car load of stuff out of my house and to the dump. Lots of old pictures and scrap book stuff and all kinds of other stuff. Its hard and exciting at the same time. Its liberating to be getting rid of so much stuff. It really does feel like a burden being lifted with every thing I put in the trash pile. Some things illicit an emotional response from me but in the end I ask if its something I want to see or have displayed in my new place every day. If the answer is no, i get rid of it. I have most of the "hidden" stuff gone through at this point. Things in drawers and cabinets and closets and in my spare bedroom. I think I may switch gears on Friday and start packing stuff I want to keep and go ahead and move me and the dogs to the new place this weekend. Over all my thought is excitement. I think its a big step towards making myself open and ready for whatever is next. No more house full of stuff. No more room full of ex boyfriend and ex husband memorabilia. Just me, my pets and my personal items. I'm excited to see how I feel in that house.

Yeah, I don't either. I'll have to come back to the idea later when I can afford to spend some energy on it.

I spent this weekend camping in the mountains with some of my Adventure Club students. We had an absolute blast! It didn't end up being an backpacking trip as I had originally planned but once we got there it was obvious that the kids weren't really up for that kind of trip so instead we drove up and made a base camp and then did a number of smaller hikes out from there. It was perfect. I had 7 kids and all of them said they had a lot of fun and all they could talk about was doing another trip in the spring. I felt fantastic. My boots were great. That was the longest time period I've worn them and the first time I've worn them out on rocks and such. We did some rock scrambling and they were perfect. My knees were achy by the end, from the pounding of hiking up and down and being on rock for 12 straight hours. I was much more winded and had to go at a slower pace then all them but I kept up and I did everything they did and at the end of the trip I was the only one not complaining about sore feet or legs or a sore butt. So. Apparently I really do need to get after that cardio life. I came away from the weekend ready to buy my own stuff and start doing some trips on my own. I thought about crying when I got back to work today. I wish I could have stayed out there longer. This weekend trip was the longest I've ever gone without a shower or a bathroom and I was surprised that I was fine. I had a wet wash cloth to wipe my face off and some wet wipes to do a little clean up and I was fine. I was expecting for my face to be all broke out and my hair to be slicked back to my head and my body to feel really gross but none of that happened. Of course if I stayed out there a few more days I probably would feel grungy but I now know I can handle a Friday morning to Sunday night deal no problem. So the living situation. On Thursday night when I "met" with my parents my dad had a new proposition for me. A friend of his who owns a house down here (as a weekend fishing and summer type house) is not using the house very frequently so its just sitting empty. My dad asked if he'd be interested in renting it to me and he was. So we drove over to take a look at it Thursday night. Its a beautiful place right on the creek and its totally furnished. I wouldn't really be saving any money in this particular situation since I'd be paying similar rent and all the other expected expenses but I can still sell, donate or throw away pretty much everything in my house and just move me, my clothes and my dogs into this other place. No contract or anything like that, just a move in when I want, move out when I want. I thought about it over the weekend and came home from the camping trip excited about it. I'm still down sizing and making it easy for myself to up and move when a new job or situation arises. There are a few down sides, the not saving money like I had hoped and it would make my drive to work further, but in general I think the positives outweigh the negatives. I have a few details to work out before I make the final call, but I'm thinking by the end of the week I'll have my 30 day notice to my current landlord and a move in date settled with the new one. No new job leads. Haven't heard anything back from any of the ones I sent out and I haven't found any new places to send in to. I did have an idea float around in my brain on Friday about starting my own business, similar to a guide service, planning and putting together trip for groups since that seems to be something I enjoy doing. But I ran the idea by a few people, including some of the Nerd Ladies but I didn't get a lot of great responses back. Though I don't think anyone took me seriously. And once the initial excitement wore off I was left with an overwhelmed feeling about how I have zero clue how to do something like that. I'm not giving up on it yet though. When I feel like some of my current craziness settles down I will revisit the idea and do some brain storming. No gym today. Have to take my kitten to the vet this afternoon. He had a swollen face yesterday and it was a lot worse this morning and he wasn't acting his normal self. Plus I have laundry to do and stuff to unpack from the weekend. I got home last night around 8 so I'm pretty tired today.

I have had a lot going on and just no energy to deal with it. I managed to send out 3 applications last week, but none this week. To recap my newest issue: I have a new neighbor. He pulled up and parked a camper on a lot beside me and has been living there for about a week now. He's a younger guy, no driver's license, no real job that I can tell (apparently does some pick up labor type jobs when he can get someone to come get him since he doesn't drive) he's living in that camper with no power and its questionable if he has any water. He's been over in my yard 3 times in a week either just trying to talk to me or actually asking me for something (charge his phone for him, drive him to the store etc) Every interaction I've had with him he's smelled like alcohol. He's trouble and that's probably being too nice. I've been staying locked up in my house (because if I'm in the yard he seems to think that's an open invitation to come over and talk) with my shades pulled tight over my windows and just waiting to hear for his knock on my door. So I've been searching for a solution to my new problem and its very stressful and requiring most of my energy for the last week. I settled on the idea of moving onto the property my parent's own beside them either into a camper or something similar, my idea being that it would save me some money and it would require me to go ahead and down size all my stuff so that whenever the right job offer comes my way it would be easy for me to up and move. What I didn't take into account was how annoying me parents would be during all this and how stressful it would all feel to me. Even the packing part is stressful. UUUUGGGGHHHH. I called and arranged a "meeting" with my parents for Thursday night so that we can all sit down and hopefully figure out what all this looks like. I hope I feel a little better about it after that. In the mean time, I'm trying to carry on as normal. I have started cleaning out some shelves and drawers. I set up a "sell" box a "trash" box and a "donate" box in my living room and am trying to add things to each box every day. It does feel good to be going through my stuff and dividing it out and work towards getting rid of stuff. So that's a plus. And in general I feel good about moving out of this current place and onto my parents property even if it is a small camper situation. All the "what if" scenarios are what are causing me stress. I will say that I've stuck to my workout plan and my "sexy food" plan for the most part through all this. Last week I lifted 4 days and did yoga one night. This week I've lifted the last 2 days and plan to be at the gym tonight as well. I wont lift Thursday because that's the night I'm meeting with my parents and Friday morning I leave with a group of kids to head to the mountains on a camping trip for the weekend. Work is work. I just keep a "one foot in front of the other" mentality about it for now. My job search is a little on hold while i deal with this immediate living situation thing. I feel that in the long run this is all going to work out well, I'm just feeling stress about it for the moment. Le sigh.

Sending out more applications and resumes today. I've been looking mostly at camps and that sort of thing but both of the resumes I sent out today were to tourism companies. One that specializes in school groups and the other was a place that does eco tours in the Grand Canyon area. I hadn't really considered this type of job before, but it seems to fit what I'm looking for. Its funny to me that I've been sending in applications and resumes to various places off and on for the last year and I keep getting turned down, yet I still manage to get excited about every new application I put in. I hope that just means that as time goes on I push towards bigger and better jobs!

So post camp week 1 round up: School was canceled Monday and Tuesday due to flooding in the area and we had a 2 hour delay on Wednesday and I took my freshman on a field trip to the beach on Friday so it was nice to have a short week at work. I did some squat work Tuesday, deads on Wednesday and tried some banded kettlebell deads and they ain't no joke! I did front squats and accessories on Friday. I made the mistake of skipping out on yoga on Thursday. I should have gone. Laziness is my only excuse. Food this week has been good with the exception of the one lunch with my coworkers. Then yesterday I went over to my parents to catch up on some things they taped for me and I pigged out on all the unsexy food they had and I ended up with a very unhappy stomach last night. Ugh. More lessons learned. I spent a lot of time this week looking for jobs. Since I didn't get the position with Outward Bound and I have not heard anything from the museum job and its been 4 weeks I started the job search again pretty hot and heavy. I look extensively for jobs in Colorado since I have so many connections there now with the nerds but nothing really stuck out to me. A friend of mine who taught at the school with me last year then left this year to try teaching at another school (in hopes of maybe she'd find satisfaction in a different school system) called me this week and told me she's quit her job. Its not the kids that are the biggest issue, its the broken public ed system in this state, and possibly all other states as well. She was an excellent teacher. The kind that the state of NC should be DOING EVERYTHING to keep in the classroom. But she's up and quit and without a back plan even. She hated her job so much she quit with out a plan B. Her statement was that her own sanity was more important then money. And I know exactly how she feels. At least she lives with her boyfriend so she does have him for support until she finds something else to do. I don't have the option of quitting until I have something else lined up or until i have a whole lot more money saved up. I have mostly been looking for jobs in the outdoor ed sector but while I have the teaching skills I don't have the technical outdoor skills those jobs usually require and most of those jobs are seasonal because they're aimed at summer camps. I just yesterday thought about the companies that lead school trips (the one in particular I'm interested in is called Appleseed Expeditions) and while I don't see any postings for jobs on their site I think I am going to revamp my current cover letter and send my stuff in to a few of those places. I am starting to feel desperate to get out of my current job. I hate every single day. I dread getting up and going to work every day. I don't want to be the grumpy teacher. I feel like my life shouldn't be wasted doing something I don't enjoy doing. But its harder then i thought it would be. I am terrified of change, of moving, of quitting, of starting something new and unknown. But, I am trying to talk myself into a dead line....the end of this school year. If I haven't found something between now and June I will not renew my current contract and I will up and move. We shall see. On a side note, Hannah asked me to come up and stay with her at Jon's on Halloween weekend. She's trying to get a meet up of the nerds together for that weekend and asked if I'd wanted to come. And I do. But I don't. It looks like a plane ticket from here to Boston will run me between $200-$250 which I guess isn't really that bad but I don't know what other expenses I'll have that weekend. Parking my car the airport. Food. Transportation. I feel like a Halloween weekend in Boston with the nerds will run me at least $300. I'm sure it will be tons of fun though. And I've never been to Massachusetts so that wold be awesome to check off another state. And I guess I'm back to the whole is experience worth the money? Uuuggghhh. Why is life full of hard decisions.

At camp I sat in on a class called Sexification and while it didn't turn out to be what I expected (well to be honest I had no idea what to expect) I still enjoyed it and the candid conversation was fun to be a part of. But I think the main idea was focused on how what we eat affect how we feel and how we perform. She pointed out that most people "diet" and that focuses on restriction and deprivation and that in general forces people into a bad mood. She talked about how some food is "sexy" and as we talked more about that idea (of sexy food) it became clear that food that we thought of as "sexy" was always whole, natural, straight from the source food that was lovingly prepared and carefully thought out......wine, dark chocolate, fruit, steak...etc. And while I've heard and read and even said myself a million times "don't diet, just eat real food" I guess it never resonated with me like this.....eat food that is sexy, eat food that makes you feel sexy....That resonated with me. I hilariously walked through the grocery store yesterday with a running monologue in my head that sounded mostly like this "sexy food, sexy food.....is this sexy? Whoa that is totally not sexy. That, that is some sexy food" It not only was vastly entertaining to me, but also hugely helpful. I came home with fruits and veggies, some mean and some dark chocolate.....all the things I "should" be eating. And when I was super tempted to grab a frozen pizza or some cereal (both were trying to tempt me) there was NO WAY either of those things were sexy, so they didn't make the cut. It is interesting how sometimes you just have to hear something enough times, said just the right way by just the right person to make it click. I got to practice a second "skill" from camp while at the grocery store as well. In Baker's financial class he talked about tracking spending for 30 days then formulating a budget and placing money into the needed categories BEFORE you start spending any money. Of course none of this is new, as he admittedly told us (not his idea!) there was just something about hearing it again that helped me out. While I have been budgeting for nearly 6 months now and am making some progress, I still am struggling to get it all "right" and to consistently stay within budget. Baker suggest to look at the places where I consistently overspend and pull out cash for those things and go back to the envelope system since I can't be trusted with my debit card. For me, that is grocery shopping. I always over spend every week at the grocery store by 20-50 dollars. So yesterday before i went shopping I went to the bank and pulled out money and forced myself to stay within that limit. I came out with $4 to spare! Hoping to make more improvements over the next few months! Today at work, I was invited to go out to lunch. I had packed my lunch for the day, as I usually do, and to be honest was excited about eating it (sexy food!) but decided I "should" go out with my coworkers. Ugh. We went to a local pizza joint and it was the absolute perfect example of not sexy food. I see clearly that all the things on the buffet *could* be sexy food: pizza, pasta, salad, but it wasn't. It was cheap ingredients, full of chemicals, made by someone who has zero passion for their job. And it wasn't sexy. It was gross. And I surely didn't feel sexy eating it. I felt gross. And I don't feel sexy now a few hours later. I feel gross. Lesson learned! No really, big AH HA moment for me. This is "clicking" for me. Especially being some one who hates the idea of counting and restricting. I don't want to feel bad about eating something I think I "shouldn't" but instead I want to feel happy about what I eat, and satisfied with what I eat. I really like this idea!

Oh. And I literally just for an email from the Outward Bound school that I am not being considered for the position I applied for without even giving me an interview. I cried about it, but I suppose its all for a good reason in the end. Ugh. So many crap feels today.

Camp. I have a ton of really mixed feelings about it all. I was so sick and felt like absolute shit almost the entire time. It rained and was cold the entire time. I slept like shit. Some of the sessions/workshops got cancelled or were modified because of the weather. For an entire 24 hours, the weather channel had a Cat 4 hurricane making a direct hit on the NC coast and I was scrambling like a mad woman trying to get some phone calls out to find out what I needed to do about getting some of my belongings out of my house and make sure all my animals were safe. My stress level was at about 100% there for a while. My lifts at the powerlifting meet were a disappointment to me. BUT. I met some really cool people. I put names with faces of people I had interacted with on facebook. I was super surprised at how recognized I was and so I basked in ALL THE HUGS!!!!!!! I did the powerlifting meet which I was super anxious about. For the most part, I felt super comfortable and genuine at camp, which for me is something I struggle with. I always feel like I am wearing a facade when I interact with people, but not so much this time around. I came home last night and was surprised by how emotional I felt. I didn't do any session that I felt, at least in the moment, were overly emotional for me and I thought I was ready to be home and finally have some time alone after 5 straight days of people, but I felt very lonely last night. I felt very overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't pin point. I still today have no real understanding of why I feel so emotional. Baker had two great classes. By far my favorite presenter and favorite sessions. Honestly, none of the other classes/sessions made much of an impact on me. Probably the runner up was a class I did with Maddie about food. The powerlifting competition made the experience for me this year. As well as a few conversations I had with a few people. I am looking forward to re evaluating my training program and getting after some of those numbers I didn't hit at camp. I don't feel super enthused to do the whole30 now but I do feel convicted to be more mindful about what I am feeding my body and how it affects my performance.

I leave for camp tomorrow. I woke up today with a super sore throat, a low grade fever and a pounding headache. Of course. Fuck my life.

Camp. Is. In. Two. Days. At this time, the day after tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Georgia. I am finally feeling excited about it. I have nothing packed or planned or ready, but I'm glad to feel the excitement. It helps that I don't have to drive all the way there alone this time, I'll be with a couple other nerds that I've already met, so no anxiety there. I am excited about some of the classes. Really ready to come back home with some motivation and excitement. I had this vague idea of letting camp be a spring board for my very first whole30 but I am starting to question that some now. Because 1) I am feeling like it might be more beneficial to track food/macros for a while instead and 2) I kind of sorta tried a trial run of a whole30 today and didn't even make it until lunch before I downed some dark chocolate in order to get rid of the sugar headache. Ugh. Maybe someone or a session or something at camp will be an eye opener for me on the situation.

I met with my connection for starting an equestrian team at the school and it went really well! I'm super excited about it! I suppose if I don't get an offer for either of the two most recent applications I put in then at least I am excited about this and about the Outdoor Club.

Well I care, but I appreciate the sentiment!

I finally ended up back in the gym Friday. I did back squats, front squats and walking lunges. That was it. It was enough to make me feel pretty burned out. I was already sore by that night and today (Monday) I'm still incapable of getting up and down from my chair with out my arms to give me a big push. I cringe at the sight of stairs. Between that stomach virus and staying out of the gym for 10 days......boy howdy I'm feeling like a total n00b again. Camp is next week. CAMP IS NEXT WEEK! I can't believe that it felt like something in the distance future for so long and then all the sudden its NEXT WEEK! I have no costumes for any of the parties. I have not even gotten close to reaching my lifting goals for camp, so probably not going to do the powerlifting comp, haven't lost those 20 pounds I said I was going to lose before camp, haven't worked on handstands or push ups like I said I would when I left camp last year, have done nothing with my diet.....what the fuck have I been doing for this last year?!?!?! ugh. Regardless, there are a number of sessions I'm really looking forward to, mostly Michelle Tam's classes, Adam Bakers classes, the shoulder and hip mobility sessions and doing a programming session with Staci. Maybe I'll come away with some new motivation and some new tools....though I have my doubts. Anyway. I'm excited to hang out with some cool people and get away from my life for a little while if nothing else. I went to church with my parents this weekend. I don't go unless it some special occasion with them. It was homecoming at their church, well i suppose its mine too, at least its the church I went to growing up. Anyway they had a guest preacher (My dad is the regular preacher) do the sermon and his entire talk was about whether your life is ruled by the clock or a compass. His intro was a story about hunting in a stand of woods he thought he was very familiar with and he had a certain time he had to leave, so when the time came and he packed up and headed out he ended up lost. He said that in that moment when his anxiety level was rising it didn't matter what time it was it only mattered that he didn't have a compass to navigate him out. I'm not sure why it stuck with me but it did. i feel like my life is run by the clock. I can see it clearly in my head...alarm, shower, leave the house, get to work, 1st period, 2nd period, 3rd period, 4th period, leave work, gym, dinner, bed time, repeat. I get that there is usefulness in routine, hell Steve just wrote an article about it, but I think I've lost focus of the direction I want my life to move towards. I stopped looking at my compass to see if I'm moving towards the things I want for myself, the things that make me happy, the things I feel passionately about, instead I'm staring at my clock. I'm walking in circles in the woods looking at wrist watch instead of my compass thinking it will get me out. I don't mean to make it sound like its all doom and gloom for me, since last year I made some great nerd friends, done some traveling, made some baby steps towards getting my finances under control, even put in some job applications. I found that sermon to be a reminder that maybe its time to reevaluate some things I have going on and think about what I want out of life. Maybe church isn't such a bad place after all

Didn't end up at the gym last night. When I walked out of work the weather was just so beautiful, all I could think about doing was lacing up my hiking boots and being outside. So I went home and me and Atlas walked a few miles out in the woods. It was really nice. A lady I befriended at a MeetUp I did a few months ago called me yesterday evening and asked if I'd be interested in going canoeing this afternoon since the weather is so nice. I'm pretty excited about it and just reminded myself the gym will always be there waiting for me. Feeling more excited about the outdoor ed job I applied for. The job would have me based out of Asheville and with as much as I've been wanting to get more into hiking and camping and such, Asheville would be an ideal location for me. I really hope to hear back from them and even more hope I get a job offer. I'm under the impression that they get TONS of applications, so realistically I don't know what my chances are, but I'm trying to put out as much positive energy about it as possible. I tracked my food yesterday for the first time. Not getting even close to enough protein. And of course eating over my carb number. And I can see where I am probably eating over my calorie number regularly as well. By the evening I was pretty hungry but after looking at my numbers I realized I needed to take in just protein and nothing else, so i ate some chicken but otherwise I probably would have scarfed something carb-y and probably would have ended up being over my calorie number and well over my carb number. I ended up yesterday a little over 200g of carbs. I was aiming to keep it around 170. So that's not horrible but I see how easily I could have been at 300g or more of carbs if I wasn't tracking and wasn't aware of where I was by my evening meal. As much as I am feeling burned out about my current job, there are something about it I am really excited about. First, the Outdoor Club. We have our second outing this weekend, hiking and a cookout at a local state park. I'm pumped about the camping trip in October and some of the other things we've talked about doing have me feeling excited as well. I think once it get cold we are going to go do the trampoline park, and in the spring (if I'm still here) I may try to put together a whitewater rafting trip for us. I am also looking into starting an equestrian club at the school in a next few weeks. I have made a few connections for that am super excited about those possibilities, which include me getting to ride again! So, those are the things that are keeping me afloat at the moment.

When I looked at the job posting more closely last night I saw that it did not require the same application and reference letters that the other job postings require. All I had to do was send in my resume and cover letter. If they as me for references later I'll keep you in mind! Thanks so much sister! :-) I wasn't overly excited about this job at first, but now that I've applied I do actually feel really excited about it! Even more then the museum jo. But, I applied for several jobs before school started back and didn't even get a phone call, interview, nothing. I have some concerns about what the logistics of trying to start a new job while school is in session. Technically I've signed a year contract here. Feeling tons better today. Still eating chicken and rice but feeling much better. Was planning to hit the gym tonight, we'll see if it happens. I did get up and walk this morning and damn it was cold! We have a faculty meeting after school today that will probably last an hour and a half or more. So we'll see. I think I'll try to at least GO even if I don't end up doing much.

So. I had a stomach virus this week. I'll spare you all the gory details, but it was pretty horrible. Woke up during the nice Tuesday and it was game on after that. I did make it back to work today (Friday) but I am pretty exhausted. Dehydrated and under nourished for sure. Thought about try to push for a light day at the gym but at this point I'm thinking I'll go home and crash. Thank you school for giving me a horrible virus! Yesterday while I was home I spent some time looking for jobs. I sent in an application for one at the Life Science Museum in Raleigh that I think could be pretty cool. I also found an opening at the Outward Bound Program which is pretty much an outdoor education program for at risk students. I'm feeling hesitant to send this application in because they require 3 reference letters and the closing date is September 13th. I can't possibly ask people to get a reference letter done in 2 days! Ugh. If y'all remember, I turned down a trip to the Dominican Republic in November after a few days consideration because of the expense and it just didn't seem to be an "easy fit" for me. As it has turned out I got an invite to the Legacy of Legends Gathering in Ft Worth Texas with a friend! Airfare is $200 round trip (already bought the ticket) and I have already been offered a place to stay with a fellow Nerd 15 minutes from the venue! So now its just buying a ticket to the event then food and whatever else i may want to buy. This trip "feels" better if that makes any sense, plus this entire trip will be cheaper then the airfare alone to the DR. Not that I don't want to do the DR! Maybe one day! Camp is in just a few weeks. I honestly was only feeling a little bla about it, but seeing the sessions last night really got me excited about it again. I'm sure I will have tons of fun, I just get this way about trips....Excited to go when I first sign up, dread it when it gets close (you know, because it "easier" to just stay home) and then have a last when I get there.

Took my club kayaking on Saturday and it was a blast. We did the Full Moon Paddle. I had about 15 kids show up and some of them had never been kayaking before. We were only out a little over an hour but it was the perfect amount of time. The kids acted like they had a great time and are already asking if we can go again. For September I am planning a hike and cookout at the state park down the road from me. And as I already mentioned we are doing the camping trip in October! Already have 5 kids pay their money! I am so super excited about it. Let me tell you about what I am not excited about...... school. I swear its an absolute drain on my soul. We are 5 weeks in and I started out good. In fact I was surprised that I was as excited and well organized as I was, but all that is past and now I have 35 more weeks to go...... fml. I am even more convinced at this point that I have to figure out an alternative way to support myself and more importantly find something I really love to do. I enjoy teaching, I love science, I love planning the fields trips for my classes and now the adventure club but the day to day in the classroom after 9 years is just creating in me a bad attitude. My self-limiting factors are 1) being terrified to move away and 2) be terrified of making less money then what I'm currently making. Though with my relationships with the nerds getting rather expansive I feel like moving could be slightly less terrifying if I picked a place to move where I had a few connections. The jobs I've been looking into that are in the outdoor education sector are all either temp jobs (ie Summer jobs at camps) and/or pay almost half of what my current salary is...which is sad. And of course I'm struggling to pay of debt and save money as it is. Hit the gym Monday night and had one the best leg days I've had in a while. Back squats, lunges, step ups, sumo squats and I don't even remember what else. I was surprised. I had such a good day because the gym was absolutely PACKED. They were hosting a corn hole tournament and other specials. I don't usually do well when there are lots of people around. I get some anxiety about people being around or close to me. In fact I almost left, but once i got started I felt better and luckily while most of the gym was super busy the squat rack area wasn't so even after I finished squats I was able to stay over there and finish my workout. Of course I am ridiculously sore today (2 days later). I did a fairly light back workout yesterday. I'm going to hit some shoulders and bench today. Yoga tomorrow. Deads on Friday. I also meal prepped for the fist time in forever for this week. Feels good to have food ready and plenty to eat.