MichiruSedai

I'm behind on my thread, on all your threads, what else is new? But I came here today because I really need to talk about last night and find out if I overreacted and own any apologies and etc. I went to karaoke at the usual place with my brother and a couple friends. Imagine my surprise with a KJ I hadn't seen in literally years showed up! the last I had heard he was on leave indefinitely due to medical problems. So it was super cool to see him again. Until he started talking about what else he'd been up to, and he talked about a new project (I'm being deliberately vague) he started up, and I felt myself turn pale because its something my ex-husband is involved in. Great, I was thinking. Now the KJ I was "karaoke friends" with is friends with my ex. Do I have to worry about him telling tales of me drinking and singing? I feel incredibly uncomfortable being around people who are friends with my ex, especially if they know about what he did to me. I don't have a poker face. So he asked me what was wrong, and I told him I knew about his project becuase my ex works on it. He asked who, I told him, and he was all like "oh yeah he's my bud, he's a good guy" and I was laughing and basically saying "no, no he's not, he cheated on me and left our marriage for his mistress, but hey I'm glad you're friends, bye". He told me how he hates ex-h's wife because she's no good for ex-h etc etc and I was like "well yeah I was friends with her until she slept with my husband and lied to me for months so I don't like her either". A while later when he came back to our group to give us the slips and pencils I actually apologized to him becuase I felt bad for being immature enough to trash my ex to him, when they are friends. I ended up trashing a little more >_< but yeah. then the KJ decided to hug me, kiss me, and nibble on my cheek. I was staring over his shoulder at my friend who was staring back at me. After KJ walked away, my friend was like "we can leave right now". I said no, because we hadn't gotten to do karaoke for like 3 or 4 months, and this would be hte last one until probably February. things were ok, KJ was a little touchy but not too bad, I joked and laughed and sang songs, but eventually it got late and I went to settle my tab. My tab was wrong, so I was standing at the bar trying not to try because depression and anxiety and I'd been uncomfortable all night and I felt bad that i had to tell the bartender my tab was wrong. KJ comes over and was like "oh you gotta go" and I was like "yeah just waiting for help, my tab is wrong" so he called over a bartender and stood pressed up against me hugging me. I was like "you need to get off me" and he was like "see we're cool, I called the bartender over to help with your tab, I've got your back" hug hug hug , and I am trying not to cry because i feel dirty and I feel cornered and in the past I've been totally fine with hugging and flirting with KJ but now I was not at all fine with it, so I repeated "you need to stop touching me" he just kept repeating he's my friend, and I managed not to cry, and I alternately said "stop touching me" and "you can't be my friend if you are friends with someone who did such things to me/my family/my son/etc" I was very very drunk by this point which is probably why I feel guilty and like I was being a bitch but he eventually let go of me and walked away, and the bartender brought me my corrected tab, and I said to the bartender "you need to get the KJ to not touch people, it's not okay" so I'm afraid I could have offended him (because clearly it's my fault for not enjoying being touched) or hurt his job security (since I complained to another staff member) and I feel like I never want to go to karaoke again, and I'm waiting to get blasted by my ex if the KJ decides to go tell him all the stuff I said. it was all true stuff, but I'm not supposed to spread tales you know, that was all in teh past, people make mistakes, etc etc. so how badly did I fuck up? I've spent today trying to stay really busy but I can't stop thinking about it. I meal planned, grocery shopped, batch cooked (oven baked chicken, roasted sweet potatoes, more of those turkey mini meatloaves), did laundry, did dishes, read a friend's 2 new chapters and my only plans the rest of the day are do some reading for a new spiritual group I joined, play Stardew Valley, and work on my NaNo story.

Today was.... okay. Fair warning, I may talk about adult topics in this thread, and I'm not going to spoiler tag each time. Work was an odd mix of normal stress and high anxiety. The anxiety came in from over hearing part of a closed doors meeting on my lunch (it was in the room next to the lunch room), when two people raised their voices and one of them mentioned me. Fortunately, my anxiety got soothed later by finding out that someone's attempt to throw me under a metaphorical bus was immediately seen through. But, still. Not a pleasant lunch break. After work was the rush rush shower, supervise home, drive to therapy. I'm not sure how I feel about my appt tonight. I'm not sure this therapist is a good fit for me, but I feel like I should give it more time. She's just so damn positive. She asked me about guided meditations and I told her how much I hate them. So she asked me about visualizations and shit. She wants me to try it to help me sleep. I'm dubious. We also continued to talk about some family drama. I talked about the fact tomorrow is my wedding anniversary of my failed marriage. I carefully did not talk about my current "wtf where did this sex drive come from" issue because I just feel awkward talking about it with her even though she's a paid professional who I'm sure has heard far more scandalous things. I'm certainly not helping the "problem" with my continued choices of reading material, but, eh. I'm trying to enjoy actually feeling something positive, even if it's intensely frustrating. After my appt I stress ate. Not hitting my calorie goal today. I need to find a way to decompress after therapy. I leave therapy with an actual and a metaphorical headache. I get home, have to do kiddo's bedtime routine, and then suddenly I'm in the quiet (well, except for mom's blaring tv and my fan cranked on high to cover up aforementioned tv) and I'm yet again in my bedroom alone for the night and... I ate. A lot. It didn't help. I don't know what will. Perhaps I should get heavier into gaming, but I'm so damn tired by the time I'm home from therapy (leave for work at 6:40am, home from therapy at 7:50pm, not really any significant downtime during that entire block) that I don't even want to play video games. So I've been reading and trying not to think and failing. Positives: I did hit my water goal and step goal today. Tomorrow night I go for sushi with a friend from my gaming group, to hopefully distract me from being depressed about it being my former anniversary. Part of me wants to cancel so I can stay at home in bed and eat ice cream. I need to not cancel. I had another person contact me and tell me that I should feel free to text them anytime. I'm so fucking sick of friends and family telling me that I can reach out to them as a direct response to me saying "I am too fucking depressed to reach out, reaching out is terrifying, I am convinced no one wants to hear me so why would I" and then everyone is all like "Oh I suck at reaching out too, but text me anytime and I'll talk" I mean I get it. I'm not the only one with problems, I'm not the only one who is bad at reaching out and initiating conversations, but it's so frustrating. I want to be someone's priority. I want that more than pretty much anything else. I'm not holding my breath. I can already tell tonight will not be a good sleep night. I decided to stop reading, because that's a surefire way of staying up too late. So here I am typing on an internet fitness forum after stuffing myself senseless with halloween candy. I guess I'll go watch a video or something and try to fall asleep before it's too terribly late.

happy halloween!

I feel bad that I don't have anything terribly profound or helpful to say. But I am here for you, and cheering you on. also: DAMN. That is super well done! I need to get to that level.

Updated my tracking post with week one results, and posted the recipes I cooked for anyone who is interested. I can't get the pics to upload so now food porn this time

First off, I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs* Secondly, sorry I'm so late to your thread. But I am here now to offer what support I can. I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough afternoon. I hope that things can get resolved and improve soon.

Love for yourself, of course! and love from all of us <3

I read your first post, and your last post, because dude there are five pages. I'm sorry, I feel like a crappy friend, but I'm just gonna follow from here. Text me about food and workouts anytime. <3

It's so nice to see you back! I wish I had something awesome to say, but that's it. Here for you. <3

It is a load of crap, isn't it? Thanks for reminding me. Possibly too much peopling... but it should be fun. Re spoiler: I wish? but I still feel insanely depressed. I don't know. Maybe I will ask my shrink about it. Understood. Sorry. I just hate bringing others down with my depression issues, so it's a knee-jerk reaction to self censor so that I don't make other people feel bad. I will be seeing some good friends on Saturday, so that should help. That does make sense. And when I write privately, I don't censor, at all. I should definitely go back to journaling. I suppose I can think of this thread as a sort of journal, since no one is required to read it, no matter how depressing or angry or bad language filled or etc my posts get. My son does play minecraft, though I haven't gotten into it. We've been playing Stardew Valley recently, though we also play a lot of old SNES games. His favorite is Link to the Past. ----- Today has been okay. My co-worker called out sick, so I ended up with a much more busy and stressful day than I expected, and I expect tomorrow will be similar, since I got nothing done in my own area and will have to clean up that mess (assuming she's back tomorrow). Since work ended, I've made and eaten dinner with my son, and then did some random crap while he played. Now I'm catching up these posts. The rest of the evening, once he's in bed, will probably either be reading or watching a video, and going to bed early.

*fistbump in solidarity* READ MASTERHARPER OF PERN RIGHT NOW!!

Thanks, @CallunaTook @Wolfen now I feel bad for stating it so rawly >_< this is why I have trouble making myself post when I'm this low. I'm constantly worried that I just spread negativity and bad feels. Thus said, thank you, I truly do appreciate your kind thoughts and cheering on. Chicken apple sausage is super super yum. The meatloaves were great, I ate two for breakfast each day and it actually kept me full until lunch. Plus it made my kitchen smell amazing. I don't blame you at all for stocking up whenever those go on sale, @Teros! Hey, @CallunaTook, thanks for checking in. So I came back to NF a week ago and said I was BACK BABY and I was going to post things, and check in on all your threads, and... then I spent a week not doing anything at all on here because I was in such bad mental shape I figured I'd just depress the lot of you. I'm sorry. I did well on cooking. I ended up doing a total of three new recipes during the week, including the turkey mini meatloaves. I will post pics/recipes/etc hopefully tomorrow. Tonight I'm too tired after a four hour drive home from my sister's. But I wanted to at least check in this thread. I met my water goal every day. I met my steps goal 6 out of 7 days. I completely sucked at my calorie limit goal. Going to try harder for that this week. I do have a bit of a busy week, but I am really going to try tomorrow to carve out time to actually visit all of your threads and give you all support, since you've been kind enough to give some to me. I'm sorry I haven't done so yet. The rest of the week will be a bit cray. Tues - psychologist (which is a 40 min drive each way, plus the 60 min appt, so it's basically work all day, get home, shower, eat dinner, make sure son does homework before settling him in with mom, go drive, do appt, drive home, tuck son into bed, tuck self into bed Weds - trying to be social, going to sushi with a friend from my gaming group Thurs - son has swimming so no excuses for me not to work out since his lessons are at the gym I belong to (and haven't gone to in months) Fri - ?? probably relax at home Sat - morning hike planned with a new group I joined (and am still terrified about joining hahahaha) and then I host D&D, and then I go to karaoke Sun - do nothing outside the house other than groceries and spend the day batch cooking and playing video games with my son to make up for Saturday being ridiculous My goal for the week is to not cancel any social plans even though I am fairly convinced at this point friends only spend time with me out of pity, because guys I am a giant fucking downer to spend time with. I'm having a really really hard time doing the fake happy thing. I just spent what should have been a lovely weekend with my sister and brother in law and I feel like I should send them an apology note because I was like Eeyore on extra depression almost the entire time. Despite still over eating today (being at my sister's makes it super hard to stay in my food goals since she eats incredibly unhealthy, but I am a grown adult and should have done better, meh), I did manage to get my 12k steps, which I've decided is pretty good considering the almost 4 hrs in a car. The steps were mostly walking from room to room of my apartment since its freaking cold outside now. I just logged onto the dating site I use for the first time in a month just so I could disable my profile and stop receiving messages etc. Despite the fact that I crave a partner, I'm in no fucking shape to try and date, so it's gonna be another holiday season of depressed loneliness, and maybe I will try dating again next year. But I need to find a better way to do it than how this year went. NSFW warning behind spoiler tags.

I ate deep fried alligator when I was in New Orleans back in... 2001? I think

I'm sorry to hear it, @Teros It truly sucks I'll be visiting you in your new thread soon, I feel like we have a lot in common right now, so I want to give you any support I can

They taste pretty amazing too! Thanks for checking in on me as you do, Sylvaa <3 Thanks, annyshay, I appreciate that! I will find your thread soon for mutual cheering on

I'm totally breaking your rules, because I'm a rebel adventurer. That or I know myself well enough to know I'm bad at looking to the minis thread beyond week one, LOL! What job did you have that you would never want to work again? Waitressing. Way too stressful. Where is the highest you have been and not in an airplane? Estes Park, Colorado If you could see any deceased musician perform who would you choose? Hmm... maybe Vivaldi If you could live at any time in history when would it be? Honestly I'm pretty happy living now, with all our modern conveniences and such. But I wouldn't mind living in the future. I want to be in Starfleet! What do you think about when there is nothing you have to think about? Honestly when my brain isn't busy, I usually go on depressive spirals about how much of a failure I am and how unhappy I am. Sorry that I can't give a fun answer for this. What is the best costume you have worn? Possibly my purple anime kitten costume from last year. That was pretty fun. What book can you read over and over again? Masterharper of Pern by Anne McCaffrey Who was the best boss you ever worked for? My current boss! If you had an extra hour every day what would you do with it? Sleep! When was the last time you were lost? Geographically? I don't know if I've ever really gotten lost while out and about. Mentally/spiritually? Right now!

Today I cooked these for my breakfast the next week: http://www.simplysissom.com/mini-apple-sage-turkey-meatloaves/

I'll be honest, guys. I'm setting the bar really low, because right now, just getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge. Steps: 12k per day - tracked on fitbit Food: stay in my calorie range 6 out of 7 days - tracked on MyFitnessPal Water: drink 10 cups a day - tracked on fitbit I'm trying to get back into cooking, so my last challenge will be four new recipes during the challenge - I could space them 1 per week, or I could do all 4 in week one, as long as I do four of them STEPS GOAL Week One: 6/7 days Week Two: 0/7 days Week Three: 0/7 days Week Four: 0/7 days FOOD GOAL: Week One: 2/6 days Week Two: 0/6 days Week Three: 0/6 days Week Four: 0/6 days WATER GOAL: Week One: 7/7 days Week Two: 0/7 days Week Three: 0/7 days Week Four: 0/7 days RECIPE GOAL: 3/4 recipes Recipe 1: cooked 10/22/17 http://www.simplysissom.com/mini-apple-sage-turkey-meatloaves/ Recipe 2: cooked 10/24/17 http://www.simplysissom.com/1-pot-sausage-spinach-potato-stew/ Recipe 3: cooked 10/25/17 http://www.skinnytaste.com/pesto-parmesan-baked-tomatoes/

I understand, and I greatly appreciate the well wishes, prayers, and posts. *hugs*

New thread:

How auspicious that @Sylvaa poked me the same day the new challenge starts! I will be back later to actually post my challenge.

Thanks, @CallunaTook! I was going for 12k steps a day, and 80 oz of water. I will still be going for those this next time around in my new thread. I think my reward is going to be a Nintendo Switch! Thanks, @Wolfen! I am sorry that I went away again. I think you were joking, but I actually have abandonment issues, so I am so sorry to have vanished again. I hope to follow your current thread and see you in my new thread, when I make it. Thanks, @LordKronos87! I hope you had a better month than I did. Thanks, @Leigh! *hugs* I appreciate that. And you are 100% right on your thoughts about socialization. Last year, I think a lot of my success was because I didn't prioritize socializing. this year with trying to build a social life and date, my depression has been SO MUCH WORSE. My eating has been shit, I haven't been exercising, I've been obsessively over thinking why people don't want to spend time with me, etc. I made a decision that 9/30 I was done dating for the rest of this year. I just need a break. I won't lie, I'm incredibly sad that it will be yet another holiday season I am single surrounded by couples, but I'm going to try and focus on doing things with my son, doing things for myself, and the few friends who have really stuck by me through the depression. Hey, @WritingWeaver! thanks, and right back at you! @Teros I agree. As I said in my reponse to Leigh above, in 2016 when I actually planned the year as "there will be zero attempts at dating this year", and I didn't prioritize socializing much at all, I did so much better on every other thing in my life. So I'm done dating for the year, and I've backed off socializing except for established things like my gaming group, and one on one things with the few friends who have really stuck by me. OK folks... going to make my new thread now, so I hope to see you there!

guys I am so sorry for never responding to this again. I've been... REALLY bad at social media. or actually talking to people. I hate to play the depression card, but I'm playing the depression card. @Sylvaa poked me and reminded me I should post on NF because you guys are all awesome and supportive, so I am going to try my best to keep posting here, even when I feel like I have nothing positive to report. To that aim.. I completely failed the challenge I posted in this thread. I totally bombed it. I have no excuses except that again... my depression is making functioning at all extremely challenging. I am happy to say I am back in counseling, though its too soon to see if it will help. I'm also trying to get back into cooking, prioritize my spiritual life, and back to the gym. The gym, is actually more so for "me time" than for worrying about a hardcore workout, at my psychologist's suggestion of picking something to do a couple times a week that's something I do for me, instead of for family/coworkers/etc. OK, now I will respond to all your wonderful posts, and then I'll see about starting a new thread in teh new challenge area.

I see the challenge ended a couple days ago, but I didn't see forums for a new one yet, so I'll post this here for now. Hey guys. I'm back. Kinda. Depression has been brutally sucking away my will to do pretty much everything. I have packed weight back on like nobody's business. I'm going to spend the next five weeks taking control back of my life. Here's a copy/paste describing my goals:

*crickets chirp* So... an update I'm still doing my challenge. Spreadsheet is being updated. I've been having a lot of problems with the NF website, so I've been too frustrated to check threads. It is SUPER laggy. I have no idea if it's an issue on my computer, but all other websites work fine for me. It takes several minutes to load each page, which makes going through threads and comments and etc very frustrating and time consuming. I may take off the next challenge if I can't solve this issue, because it seriously impacts my enjoyment of the community. I am sorry that I am behind on all of your threads, but I'm still rooting for you. I just spent 10 minutes getting to the point where I could make this one post, and I'm way too tired (and to be honest, a little hungover from game night, lol) to fight with it more to catch up on threads. To summarize for those who don't look at my spreadsheet: Week two - basically a giant fail of no gym, and lots of binge eating Week three (last week, since I started late) - I 100% all my goals finally, yay!! Week four starts today, so far I'm off to an okay start, I got a 20 min walk this morning, I ate some oatmeal with blueberries, but I'll be honest guys, hungover Michi just wants some freakin' cheddar chips and sausages, so we'll see how the day goes. I made a giant wok full of stir fry last night that I'm planning to have for lunch and dinner today (cause lazy), so I've got healthy meals covered. Snacks may be my downfall today. But you know what? One bad day won't destroy my progress. I'm down about 4 lbs this month from my re-gain, 166.4 this morning. In July, I hope to do a little better, and maybe get out of the 160's again. I had been down to 152.2 before I started binging and regaining, so I gave myself some new mini goals. get back to 162 (110 lbs down) get back to 159 (bye bye 160's) get back to 157 (115 lbs down) get back to 152 (120 lbs down, where I faltered last time) big goal - get to 149 (bye bye 150's and no longer overweight by BMI) get to 147 (125 lbs down) get to 142 (130 lbs down) get to 139 (bye bye 140's) get to 136 (lost half my start weight) then evaluate, and decide if I want to lose more weight, or just work on a recomp, or be happy where I am, IDK I think I can maybe do this by the end of the year. Before I spent the last four months setting my progress back, I was hoping to do it by July, LOL. I'm working on being kinder to myself about having some setbacks. A friend suggested I look at it like doing a salsa or tango, it moves back and forth, and that's okay, just part of the process. I'm also working on being okay with much slower progress, because I do think part of the reason I cracked and regained so much was because I held myself to such strict deficit for so very long. Slow with a less aggressive deficit might be more sustainable. Dunno. Happy Summer Solstice! Hope you all are well! I will catch up as soon as I resolve my technical difficulties <3