LadyWitch

Didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I was awake most of the night due to my aching muscles, to the point where I got up at midnight to take pain killers. I just couldn’t bring myself to get up when my alarm went off at 5.15am. If I’m feeling less zombie-fied later, I may go this evening as my hubby is gaming tonight, otherwise I’ll just have a relaxed ‘pamper’ evening and try to go to the gym tomorrow morning, so that I get in my third strength workout for the week. Or I may try and do a bodyweight workout at home… I don’t want to over-do things, as I have my first burlesque show on Sunday, but I need to keep that momentum going. Work is sooooo boring. I’m a construction administrator for a house building company, and I am bored every single day. I hate it. I went to uni to get away from working an admin job, and it was a complete waste of time. I landed straight back in admin, and feel like I’m drowning in it. I know I have the long term plan of Personal Trainer/Burlesque Superstar, but that’s at least three months off, if not longer (depending on when/if I can get a job in a gym.) Everyone keeps reminded me of the money, and yes, this is the best paid admin job I’ve ever had… But money isn’t everything and the thought of being chained to this (or any other) desk for the rest of my working life, which seems to be what’s ‘expected’, fills me with horror. I know some people are happy working in an office, and my hubby at least, seems to be under the impression that this is just how life is… You work to pay for the stuff you need/want to do, and then don’t have the time or energy to actually do anything. Why do I have to spend my life miserable and stuck indoors making work for other people, when I could be outside DOING THINGS! I’ve spend most of my life terrified of hurting my back, or being noticed/abused/hurt by people, that I’ve let myself be forced into the hole that society deems ‘appropriate’… But I’m not that person. I don’t want to be that person. And yes I know change takes time, I have to qualify as a PT before I can get a job as one… And even when I do, I’ll be the bottom rung of a very long ladder, but at least it’ll be a ladder I want to climb. I just don’t know how to deal with the daily mind-numbing boredom in the meantime. Combine that with depression/anxiety and work is the absolute last place I want to be. If I weren’t here as a long-term temp (maternity cover) I’d just go to my doc and get signed off for a bit. But they’d probably just terminate my contract and find someone else to fill the hole… *sigh* Guess I’m just in a whinging mood today…

The dance practice went well. Was practicing my Fawn routine, and I found myself really enjoying it. By the time the hour was up, I was saturated with sweat, my legs were shaking, and I had performed the full routine (It’s over 5 minutes long) 5-6 times. I then had just enough time at the end to do a run through of my Angel routine, which went a hell of a lot better than last weeks… It wasn’t in costume, so not perfect, but still good to get through it without forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing Have another practice on Monday, before the show on Tuesday, so have time to get the Angel routine down. Made it to the gym again this morning. Managed to do my scheduled workout (despite leaving my sports bra at work), and now feel both very very achy and very very tired. It’s lunch time, and all I want to do is have a nap under my desk. I know it’ll take a week or so for my body to get back into the habit of working out, and that until then my muscles will protest loudly and my energy levels will fluctuate wildly, but expecting it, and dealing with it are two very different things. Having the dance practice on top of re-starting the gym, and I’ve been trying to walk more, is probably not the best way of doing things… But I’m something of an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person, especially when it comes to physical activity. As long as I can keep the momentum going, I’ll be fine. But if I stop, then I’m stopped. Which is what happened when I got the flu a month ago. I really don’t want to do my lunch time study session today… As I said, I’d like to have a nap, but the studying is more important. I have than 6 weeks until the practical element of the course starts, and I need to have the theory stuff mostly complete by then. Preferably, I’ll have it all done, and then just have to revise for the various exams… So… Off to study I go…

Thank you Sylvaa! You'd be amazed at how many people will attack you for that decision. It's hard to constantly have to explain yourself. Why can't people just butt out of other peoples lives?! Grrrrr. As for the counselling, that what I'm going to do next time. I don't have many 'free' sessions left, so can't decide if she's just forgetful, or if she's trying to drag it on long enough that I have to start paying for them. Don't have a session next week, she's away and I have a burlesque show, so I don't mind missing one at all!

I got up at 5.15am. I went to the gym. I did my strength workout. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I even hauled my burlesque kit in its suitcase to the gym, and then on to work. I have a pounding headache, which I’m fairly sure is my body going ‘WTF?! I thought we were done with this crap!’ but other than that, I’m feeling pretty good. My legs ache from the goblet squats, and I’m sure it’ll be worse tomorrow, but I’m not going to let that or the headache stop me from my dance practice tonight. I NEED that practice! I went to my counselling session, and still don’t feel like any progress is being made. We talked mostly about the screwed up family dynamic, and how it was made very clear to me early on, that I was the lowest in the pecking order. Maybe that’s part of the reason I didn’t tell anyone when my brother started to abuse me. He has always been my mum’s favourite, and could never do anything wrong in her eyes. *sigh* I think the counsellor thinks I’m nuts for not cutting all ties to my family, and I know that I’ve essentially been conditioned to always put them first, but I can’t just sever all connection to them. If nothing else, that ‘betrayal’ would probably kill my mum, her health is so dodgy. *double sigh* It would be almost easier if she did, as bad as that sounds. Then I wouldn’t have to keep up the pretence of civility every time my brothers name comes up. Anyway… My weight is officially under the 14 stone mark, for the first time since March. Only by 1 lb, but it still counts! 3 more lb and I’ll be a stone down from my heaviest. Not bad considering I’ve barely worked out in the last month. I guess its true what Steve says… You can’t outrun your fork.

Didn’t make it to the gym today. My alarm went off, and I told myself I’d get up in a minute, next thing I know, my husband’s alarm is going off 1 ½ hours later *sigh*. I WILL get back into going regularly. Trying to work out the logistics of doing so tomorrow. I have a burlesque practice straight after work, so I need to take my costume with me to work. That means a small suitcase. If I also go to the gym, my rucksack will be filled with my gym kit, and I’ll need to find somewhere safe to stash the suitcase while I’m in the gym (I’m fairly sure it wont fit into my locker). But I’m sure I’ll manage, assuming I can get myself out of bed at 5am! I listened through all my burlesque routine music last night, and I think I’m starting to remember the routines ok. I deliberately choreograph most of my routines to be more free-form than specific dance steps, so no two performances are the same. That does make it easier to remember than having a specific routine to learn. I have certain points in the music where I know I’m removing an item of clothing, but other than that, it’s a case of doing what I feel like doing on the day. Hopefully, I won’t make a fool of myself next week! I then have a couple of weeks to re-choreo my Alice in Wonderland routine, before my two shows at the start of October. Then another 2 week gap to create a completely new routine… And I have to do all of this on top of studying for the PT course! I have counselling tonight. I’ve only got another 7 weeks or so to go (out of 24), but I don’t feel like we’ve actually DONE anything. All its really done is rip open the wounds and pour salt on them. She keeps talking about how ‘next week we’ll work on X’ and then that week comes around and we don’t work on X. I’m tempted to just not go any more, but I told myself when I started that I would see the course through, and knowing my luck, I’d miss the session where she actually wanted me to do something specific… I have so many other things to do, that I begrudge the time it takes. The appointment is only 50 minutes long, but by the time I’ve walked there and then walked home afterwards it’s the better part of 3 hours. 3 hours I could be using for dance practice, or costume creation, or spending time with my husband. Hell there are literally a dozen other things I NEED to be doing, and just don’t have the time for. I know it’s all a matter of making things a priority, but what do you do when EVERYTHING is a priority?!

Had a mixed weekend. Went to visit my mum and uncle on Saturday. It wasn’t as bad as I expected, but only because my uncle hadn’t told my mum about me visiting my dad. Which made things a little awkward, especially when I started to pack up his iMac and other bits that he asked me to get for him. But I managed to escape without any major confrontations. Not sure if that’s necessarily a good thing… I’ve also informed them that I’m going to be manically busy for the rest of the year due to the PT course, so I’ve at least gotten out of visiting them again until Christmas. My friend who gave me a lift, and helped me load all the stuff for my dad, then offered to do a run down to him to drop everything off. So that’s what we did Sunday… a 600+ mile round trip, from Nottingham to Cornwall. We left my house at 5.30am and she dropped me off back at mine at 8.30pm. We spend a couple of hours with my dad, having Sunday lunch, but the rest of the time was on the road. We had to stop a couple of times on the way down, and three on the way back, but it was still a slog. Didn’t managed to stick very well to my macros, and didn’t hit 10k steps, but I did survive, and it was nice to see dad again, however briefly. My husband had a hot bath ready for me when I got home, and I slept like the dead. My alarm went off at 5am, and I ignored it. Instead I got up at 6.30 when K got up, and was in the gym for 7.15am. My first day in the gym for a month, and I was exhausted. I didn’t do my planned strength workout, instead I walked on a treadmill for 15 mins, and then did 20 mins of stretching. I didn’t have time for anything more than that, as I had a doctors appointment at 9.20. Will do my full workout tomorrow morning. But I’m proud of myself for going. The doctor has ordered a blood test, or rather, I asked to have my thyroid tested again, and she agreed. I don’t think she expects it to show anything. I could almost see the words over her head ‘All the symptoms she’s told me about are probably caused by her depression’ but at least she didn’t say no. I’ve also asked to be referred to get sterilized. I have no kids, and don’t want any. Getting pregnant is about the worst thing that could happen to me. I actually expected her to say no, or to argue the point. But she didn’t. She agreed to refer me, and I should get a letter in a couple of weeks. I’m actually shocked. I’ve heard so many times over the years that they’ll only consider you for sterilization if you’ve already got children, or if you’re over 50, so I went in expecting to have to start a process, where I’d keep asking and they’d say no for the next 5-10 years… Of course the surgeon may still refuse, or the counsellor that I’m sure they’ll refer me to. But at least I’ve taken that step. I dislike children as a whole, I’ve only met a couple that I could tolerate for more than a couple of minutes. I didn’t like kids even when I WAS one. The thought of having one horrifies and terrifies me. I don’t have a single maternal bone in my body, and I’ve always said that I would get an abortion if I ever did get pregnant. That may sound horrible to some people. It probably makes me sound like a monster. But there are so many genetic conditions in my family, that the last thing I’d want is to pass any of it on. I was also sexually abused for years by my own brother, so I know just how dangerous and nasty the world is. Why would I want to bring a helpless child into any of that? Especially with me as its mother? My husband, thankfully, doesn’t want kids either, although tbh, if he did, he’d have to look elsewhere. Its my body, and no one gets to make a decision like this for me. I know it’s a permanent option, and that’s the point. Every time I change form of contraception, I find myself wishing for a better option. Instead I’ve been pumping my body full of artificial hormones since I was 11 years old. I don’t think I’ve had a natural period since then. God knows what affect that has had on my weight, overall health, and depression, but I want to stop. But without the fear of getting pregnant. So… Sterilization it is. Now I just need to convince the surgeon et al, that this isn’t just the depression speaking. Anyhow, I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I have less than a week till my first burlesque show in nearly a year. I’ve not had chance to practice. I’ve barely even listened to the music. I can’t remember the steps. I’m a hairs breath from cancelling all of them, and pretending that I never agreed. But I wont. I love performing. I get such a boost from it, mentally, and I always feel so body-confident when I get off of stage (even if the routine goes wrong!). I KNOW that it wont go as bad as my brain is telling me. And I still have time to practice. *Sigh* I just want to be fit and healthy, and as confident as I was three years ago.

Well, so far this challenge has been a total bust. I’ve not made it to the gym, AT ALL. I had two weekends in a row where I was away, so my macro targets were WAY off. Other than a fair bit of walking, I’ve done very little other activity. The only goals I’m following through with are my promotion of my burlesque persona and my studying. I’ve managed to book 5-6 performances starting on the 11th September, and last one being 21st October… And I’m sooooo not ready. I’ve not performed since last November, and I’ve gained enough weight since then that my costumes barely fit. I had a two hour session in a dance studio last night, to run through my routine for the 13th, and didn’t get it right once. Feeling very fat and unfit today. And to make it worse, my back has started playing up. Which is directly connected to my lack of exercise. My weight has remained stable, at 194lb, but that’s more by luck than judgement. My depression is getting worse again (also directly correlates with my lack of exercise) and my counselling sessions are getting brutal. I only have another 8 sessions, and I’m dreading every one of them. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday, and have a whole long list of things I need to talk about, but I can guarantee I’ll get in there and just start crying. I’m supposed to be going to visit my mum and uncle tomorrow, and that’s the absolute LAST thing I want to do. I haven’t been over since my dad left in May, but because I went to visit him last weekend, I HAVE to visit them this weekend. It’s becoming clear from my therapy that my feelings towards my mum are far stronger and more negative than I’ve let myself believe, and I want to do what my dad did, and just walk away. She phoned and left me a voicemail the other day, and just listening to it triggered a full blown anxiety attack. I’m going to go tomorrow so I can pick up a few bits my dad had to leave behind, but I’m expected a confrontation, and actually hope it happens, so that I can finally burn that bridge and move on. Family are supposed to support you and lift you up, mine have always dragged me down and tried to drown me in their own issues. I’ve been abused by them, in one form or another, my entire life, and I wish I didn’t care and could just cut all contact, but I DO still care, I don’t want to upset them or make them angry with me… Which is also part of the mental conditioning/bulling I’ve had to deal with over the years. But they’ve never worried about upsetting me, and have always guilt-tripped me into doing what they want. Tomorrow that ends, one way or another. I have a friend giving me a lift, so that I have an escape vehicle on hand, and will probably spend the rest of the evening balling my eyes out. It’s going to be nasty, but wounds need to be lanced before they can heal. I’m giving myself the weekend to deal with all the crap. To be compassionate with myself and administer some much needed self-care. Then on Monday I will do a mini-respawn. I’ll get up and go to the gym, then go to the doctors. And then I’m going to refocus on what is important in my life. Performing. Studying to pass my PT course. My husband and the friends I consider ‘family’. I’ll use the last couple of weeks of this challenge to get myself back on track as much as possible. And try and get myself in a better place to start the next challenge, and the practical element of my PT course.

Well, my workout goals aren’t going great this week. I started developing a sore throat and cough on Sunday, and its steadily gotten worse. I was going to force myself to go to the gym this morning, but my husband called me out on it. We’re away Fri-Mon at an event in Manchester, and the last thing I want is to be too ill to enjoy myself, so instead of wrecking myself at the gym and making myself worse, I am giving myself a couple of days of rest, in the hopes that the worst of the bug will be gone by Friday. Besides, I still have a ton of sewing to get done, and outfits to plan! I’ll be back in the gym Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning, depending on what time we get home. My fuel has been going well, so far. I’m anticipating my macro’s being way off over the weekend, as I have no idea what/where we’ll be eating, but so far this week I’ve been on point. It’s amazing what planning ahead can do! I’ve been reading through my first couple of challenge threads here on NF, and it makes for quite depressing reading. I was down to my lightest ever weight in challenge 2, I was doing the beginners bodyweight workout three times a week, plus two separate dance classes, and walking and running on top of that. It was the run up to my wedding, and I had sooooo much to do, and I was killing it all like a boss… A far cry from now. I haven’t danced since last November (this will be rectified as soon as I get home from Manchester as I have a show looming), I’ve regained 3 stone, that I had worked so hard to lose the first time. I was paleo, and loving it (mostly) and was generally feeling good about myself, which is pretty much the opposite of how I feel now. I know the only person I should be comparing myself with, is myself, but when the me three(?) years ago was so much fitter/healthier than the me now, it gets depressing. Physically, I’m probably better now, at least as far as my back goes, but I still can’t run for more than a 60 seconds, had apparently managed a chin-up, which I’d completely forgotten about and definitely can’t do now, and was doing so many fun things I didn’t have time to get bored. *sigh* I know that I can get back to that place, physically and mentally, but it’s draining to think of where I could’ve been if I hadn’t fallen so far off the wagon. I was also far better at supporting my fellow nerds on their threads… So many of my supporters from those days have disappeared completely, and I find it really hard to make new digi-friends I’m much better at that sort of thing in person! I constantly tell myself that I’m going to do better, spend a few minutes each day on the forums, but then its suddenly the end of the challenge and I realise I’ve not looked in on anyone I guess the fact that I’m still here at all is a win… I’m still trying, I’m making positive steps to get back to where I was, and I’m determined that this time the changes will be permanent and I won’t ever find myself back at 200lb or more… Not unless its solid muscle!

Just started my new challenge here

I've just been through and added all of my previous challenges to my sig... I didn't realise that this is my 20th challenge! Bloody hell! didn't realised I'd done that many. And its quite depressing reading through my first one, and realising that I'm now worse off than I was when I started but oh well, onwards and upwards!

I’ve been following the ETP plan since 20th July, and finally started shifting some of the body fat. My weight has gone down, but not a huge amount, but I’m definitely getting stronger! This is my focus for this month. Eat my macro targets, lift heavy things and move more on non-lifting days. That covers my first three goals for this challenge. My next goal is to spend time promoting myself as a burlesque performer. I’ve been doing burlesque for 5 years now, but due to the low number of shows I’ve performed at, I still consider myself a ‘beginner’… Which I’m not. I need to start getting myself out there. That means applying for more shows, engaging with FB/Twitter/Instagram more, choreographing new routines and getting them filmed/photo’d for my portfolio. I’ve asked a friend to help me build a proper website, so I want to work on that as well. I need to be doing the things I love, and burlesque is one of them. To that end, I have my first show since last November, booked for the 13th September, in London… I can’t wait to get back on stage! I also have two competitions lined up, one on the 8th October in Birmingham, and then on the 21st October here in Nottingham. I want to have a new routine to perform at the Nottingham comp! My last goal is studying for my PT course. This has fallen a bit behind, due to being ill last challenge, so I need to get up to date and then preferably, get ahead of where I’m supposed to be. My plan is to start using my lunch breaks at work (again) to study, which leaves the evenings free for burlesque related stuff. The PT course starts during the next challenge, so I’m very much aware of how far I still have to go. Goals: 1: Meet macro targets 5/7 days 2: Workout 3x a week 3: Do something else in the gym 2x a week (stretching, running, swimming etc) 4. Spend an hour each week promoting Mercy Bites. 5: Spend at least 2 hours each week studying for the PT course. Current measurements: Weight: 14st 0 lb Chest: 41 in Waist: 34.5in Hips: 45 in R Thigh: 27 in L Thigh: 27 in R Bicep: 13.5 in L Bicep: 13 in

Thanks Michi! I'm still fighting the summer bugs, there seem to be a lot going around here atm. I now have one show and two competitions booked! Need to get this weekend away over with, then I can start practicing for my triumphant return to the stage!

Starting/Current measurements: Weight: 14 st 4 lb / 14st 0 lb Chest: 41 in / 41 in Waist: 35 in / 34.5in Hips: 45.5 in / 45 in R Thigh: 27.5 in / 27 in L Thigh: 27 in / 27 in R Bicep: 13.5 in / 13.5 in L Bicep: 13.5 in / 13 in 4lb lost, not horrendous, considering how little movement on the scales I’ve had over the last 6 months. At least things are moving in the right direction, and slow and sustainable is better than fast and unsustainable. New thread will be going up in a soon. Lots of fun stuff to come… The hard part will be sticking to my plans while still enjoying myself!

Well… I disappeared for a bit. That’s because I came down with flu last week, and didn’t have the energy for anything. I was off work for three and a half days, and slept most of that time. It completely threw my eating plan and workout schedule off, and I was incredibly frustrated and angry about the whole thing. BUT, I got straight back on the wagon this week. Hit my macro numbers every day since Monday, been to the gym twice, and made a start at re-launching my alter-ego Mercy Bites into the burlesque industry. (I have a show booked for September 13th in London! My first since November last year.) So things are starting to progress. I’ve already got my goals for the next challenge planned, and I hope to keep increasing strength while swapping out fat for muscle. I don’t really mind if my weight stays the same, as long as my body fat % goes down! GIVE ME ALL THE MUSCLES!!! (that being said, I can barely lift my cup of tea, my arms ache so much!)

If I encounter him again I'm going to take his photo and send it to the police. My local force are now treated misogyny as a hate crime, so might be able to get him arrested for it. As for getting someone to walk with me, it's not really possible, this is at 6.15am not many ppl around at that time, which is why I was so shocked to encounter him. Hopefully the slightly earlier gym time will free me of him Better news, I've lost 5lb in two weeks! Not really 'official' till Monday's weigh in, but it's the first time the scales have dropped below 14stone in 6 months

Not having a great day today. It started off ok, I got up and dressed, packed my bag and headed to the gym. On the way there I encountered a creeper. I encountered him on Wednesday on my way to the gym, I was walking along, headphones in and minding my own business, when he over took me and slowed to match my pace a couple steps ahead of me and off to my right. He then craned his neck round to start at me with a creepy grin on his face. He just kept staring and walking, starting and walking. When I tried to skirt around him he moved directly in front of me, still grinning. On Wednesday I dealt with it by putting my head down and deliberately slowing my steps. I guess he felt that he’d won, because he then moved off. It completely threw my workout off and I was annoyed for most of the day. Fast forward to this morning, SAME GUY did exactly the same thing with the walking and staring. Today I told him to fuck off, he just smirked and sped up leaving me on my own. By the time I got to the gym I was in the starting phases of a panic attack. Needless to say my workout didn’t happen, which I’m angry and annoyed about, but even now, 4 hours later, I’m still on edge and flinching anytime a man speaks to me. Which is rather frustrating as I work in the construction industry… Most people here are men. I hate that this one creep got to me. I hate that he’s still getting to me. I’m tearing up as I write this. I can’t tell anyone here about it, cos that will make my rather shaky control fracture completely, and the last thing I need is to draw attention to myself. Not sure what I’ll do if I encounter the same guy again.

So, last week I started following the Eat to Perform method of eating. It’s essentially macro counting (which I was already doing) but a bit more focused on the macros and calorie total. It’s about eating enough to fuel your workouts and build muscle, rather than cutting more and more to try and lose weight. For the first time in months my weight is trending down, and I’m feeling a little more energized. Of course I still haven’t solved any of yesterday’s issues, but I’m definitely a bit more positive this morning, even though I didn’t go for a run like I’d planned. As far as the running goes, I’m going to drop it for the rest of the challenge. I’m obviously not feeling it at the moment, and I’m not going to keep stressing myself out over not doing it. Not sure what to replace it with yet, there are options… I could just go to the gym and spend some time on the x-trainer or bike; I could do something like yoga; I could plan to walk to work on those days; I could split my workouts so that I’m weight training 5 days a week, but working different muscles. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, or I might switch between a couple of them. I’m hoping to take pole dancing up again soon, so that will give me an outlet for all these proto-muscles I’m developing. And I definitely want to go climbing again, before I forget everything I learnt in my intro class! I’m thinking I may have to do them on alternating weeks, as I’m not sure I can afford to do both each week… Not unless something drastic happens to change my finances Speaking of which, I adulted last night. I got my tax bill paid and filed my tax return. Which was more complicated that it has been previously as I started employment and had the self-employment for a while… But I got it done, and hopefully I’ll get a tax rebate at some point in the future.

I think I'm definitely going to have to give the running a break for this challenge. I didn't go this morning, and the only reason I can give its 'I didn't want to', so I think I'm going to ease the pressure on myself on that front and give it a break. Will think of something to replace it. And thank you! I was rather chuffed with the picture! I have some more coming through and they're also kinda cool... Will post my favourites as I get them! Thank you! I was feeling a little dull on the day, because the two friends I went with had taken some pretty fancy costumes to be photo'd in, and I just had the outfit I was wearing, but I still had fun, and we've planned another one for September... My weeping angle burlesque costume is going to get an outing in a graveyard... Should be interesting!

I did not want to go to the gym this morning. I wanted to stay in bed. I was tired and achy, and did not want to move. But I did. I got up and I went. I didn’t do a strength workout, instead I did 15 minutes on the x-trainer and 15 on a bike, but I WENT. I kept the habit going. I’m proud of myself for that. Tomorrow I’m going to try going for a C25K session outside, rather than on a treadmill at the gym. I’m hoping that will solve my ‘don’t wanna’s’ and get me back on track. Last time I made any progress with it was running outside, so hopefully its just a case of treadmill induced boredom causing me to stall. Think I’m getting better at hitting my macros, but I’m still a long way off where I want to be. I know its an ongoing process, but I’m sick of being fat. Of not fitting into my clothes. Of getting out of breath walking up the slight hill to my friends house. I want to be strong NOW. I want to be fit NOW. I want to be doing fun things that push my boundaries and scare the crap out of me NOW. *sigh* I’m feeling impatient and I know that I’m in this for the long haul, but I’m sick of seeing little to no improvement. I retook my photos at the weekend, and can’t see much difference between those ones and the ones I took back in March. Yes I’m 6.5lb down, yes I’ve lost some inches, yes I’ve increased the weight I’m lifting incrementally, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. How do I get my head to slow down and be proud of what I’ve managed so far? I’ve done a tough mudder. I walked 111,132 steps (over 46 miles) in 4 and a half days. I had a fantastic holiday where I went horse riding and parasailing. Other than the week on holiday and the week walking, I’ve consistently worked out for 8 weeks now. I’m building good habits. I eat good food that fuels my body and workouts, without starving myself or following any crazy ‘diet’. And I’m holding down a decent job and doing it all while battling depression and dragging myself through a weekly counselling appointment. I KNOW that I’m hard on myself. I always have been. It’s one of the things my therapist is trying to help me deal with. I’m quick to praise the people around me for their accomplishments, but I can’t do it for myself. For every silver lining I can find the grey cloud. I’m trying to change, which is another thing I should be proud of, but like everything it takes time. And second to being my own worst critic, is my lack of patience with myself. Sorry folks, I guess I needed to offload and this is the safest place I know for that. I don’t know where I’m going, I have no real plan for the future other than taking the PT course, I know what I don’t want, but struggle to decide what I do want. That lack of direction scares me. Makes me want to bury my head in the sand and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Which is how my depression got so bad in the first place, and contributed to my weight problems and issues with eating my emotions. I guess I’m just feeling a little lost atm, like I’m spinning my wheels but getting nowhere fast. Time will probably solve all of this, but that scares me too, as you never know how much of it you have left. If I get hit by a bus today, there’d be so much I’d regret about my life. So many things I’d wished I’d done. I want to live a fun filled and active life, but I’m chained to a desk and carrying around so much baggage (physical and emotional) that I can barely move under the strain. I guess I’ll keep plodding on, and hope things improve. And yes, I know some of this is probably the depression talking. I had a counselling session last night, and it’s stirred up a tonne of crap. It will settle, and things will improve. I am a goddamn triceratops and I will win at this thing called life. RAWR!

I’m really struggling to do my C25K sessions. I’m happy enough to get up and go to the gym on strength days, but on running days I can’t get myself out of bed. I was meant to go this morning, and didn’t. I’ve not been to a single session since this challenge started. I don’t get it. I LIKE running, and the only way I’ll get better is to actually DO it… So why can’t I? It’s soooooo frustrating. Maybe I need to rethink this and try something else for a while. Not sure what though. Maybe it’s because I’m using a treadmill atm? Would it be easier if I was actually going OUT for a run? I might try that on Thursday… Hmmm On a more positive note, I won the walking challenge at work! I have an extra day off to use now J and to make matters better, I lost 1.5lb this week! First time I’ve been under 200lb in months! Now I just need the scale to keep moving down. Think the break from the gym and all the extra walking shook things up enough to break through the plateaux… I hope. Guess only time will tell. I’m not doing so well on some of my other goals either. I’ve now had the three strikes for drinking diet coke, and we’re not even half way through the challenge. I don’t know why I suddenly can’t stop myself from drinking it again. I’ve also been slacking with my studying, haven’t done anything since I submitted my two assignments a couple of weeks ago. I think part of the problem is that I’m now second guessing myself about the PT course. I still want to do it, I just don’t know what I’ll do with it once I have. I’ve got several qualifications and haven’t done anything with any of them. I find it hard to imagine that anyone would want me as their personal trainer, and I doubt any gym would want to employ a slightly overweight, 33 year old woman, who has a dodgy back and suffers from depression… Guess I’m just feeling stuck in my job and trying to imagine a future where I’m fit and active and helping people achieve their goals seems so farfetched I may as well add riding a unicorn and flying to Jupiter to my to-do list. *sigh* Guess I’m just feeling a little lost at the moment. It’s like my life is a dream, and the only time I’m awake is when I’m in the gym, or outside doing something. The rest of the time I just drift. Fairly sure my therapist would have a field day with that

Just a quick pit stop on my way to bed, will do a proper update tomorrow... First off, hello Kelley! Welcome to my little corner of the Internet I do like to keep things interesting! Had an impromptu photo shoot with some friends today and ended up feeling strong and badass (due to the pick below). After that we stopped in at the opening day of a new circus skills centre that's only a 10 minute walk from home. I've provisionally booked a aerial skills private class for me and some friends for next week (2nd). They teach aerial hoop, aerial silk and trapeze! Can't wait! Hope you all had a good weekends... And I promise that I WILL do the tour of your threads this week... Honest! (Someone hold me accountable!)

I have some dark chocolate coated rice crackers in my draw, so I had a couple of them mid-afternoon. It was that of go out and jump the ice-cream man! But yes, the day did get better. Didn't manage the whole walk home due to the heat, but I still hit over 24000 steps! Thank you! I skipped the walk this morning, my alarm went off and I got up to feed the cats... Then went back to bed for 90mins. I didn't sleep at all well and had no energy! But I am about to finish work, and plan to walk the entire way home! (Hopefully... It's still bloody hot out there!)

So step count total for Monday was 26854. I walked most of the way home after work, but it was sooooo hot that I felt like I was going to melt and/or pass out, so I jumped on a bus for about a mile. Was exhausted by the time I got home, drank a gallon of water and had a cold shower… Didn’t really make me feel better, but at least I was no longer soaked with sweat Food was on-point. Macro’s were fairly close but I’m thinking I may need to drop my overall calorie target. Although with the amount of walking I’m doing this week, I’m thinking it may not be a good idea just yet. Will see how the rest of the week goes I guess, and tweak accordingly. But I’ve got to do something to kick start the weight loss, otherwise I’m going to get completely disillusioned and fall so off the wagon that I can’t even see it any more. Despite the walking, I didn’t sleep well. Not sure if that was due to the heat, or change in schedule, or something else entirely, but it meant that I wasn’t feeling great when my alarm went off at 5.30am. But, I got up. I got dressed. I packed my bag and had my breakfast. And then I walked the 6 miles to work. Go me! Just before lunch today I got called into the ‘big’ boss’s office. Part of my job as a construction administrator is to log faults with properties for the first 20 weeks after the customer has moved in. They call these faults ‘snags’. There was one customer who was complaining about snags not being dealt with. The site had informed me of 3 issues, which I had logged. They had then gone in to fix them, and found something else that needed doing. But they didn’t tell me. Therefore when they told me that they had completed the works, I closed down the issues on the system. Leaving the ‘new’ snag un-resolved. Now, it wasn’t my fault. Site should’ve informed me that there was a new snag. But being called into the boss’s office and grilled about the procedures (I’ve only been doing the job for a couple of months) was enough to trigger a tear-fest. I cry at any strong emotion, and due to the abuse I suffered as a kid I have issues with men in authority scaring the crap out of me… So not a good combo. I ended up having to take my lunch late after finding as much paperwork as possible relating to the issues in question, and then ran away outside to hide under a tree for my lunch break. Did not want to come back in. And can’t focus on the work that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m writing this out instead. Not only do I feel bad for not checking that everything was sorted (not actually my job) but I’m highly embarrassed about crying in front of the Managing Director and his PA. Just want to crawl under a rock and stay there. I know the day will improve… But right now I’m struggling to not cry… Again. Moving on… Not sure if I’ll be walking home from work tonight. Depends on how hot it is, and how drained I am from all the bloody crying. I’d normally have my counselling appointment at 6pm, but she’s on holiday this week. So technically I should be at work till 5.30pm. But I haven’t told my boss that there’s no session tonight and will probably leave at my normal Tuesday time of 4.30-4.45pm. Not sure I could stand to be here longer than that today. So yeah, I may or may not walk, and I may or may not slink out early… Guess I’ll see how the rest of the afternoon progresses. Already succumbed and had a diet coke, so that’s strike 2, 1 more to go and I have to do a forfeit (still haven’t decided what to do though…) But I REALLLYYYYY want something chocolaty and decadent and very very bad for me… Bloody stress!

Regular update time… I didn’t lose any weight again this week. Have to admit to getting a bit frustrated by it all. My diet all week is pretty much clean, and although I slip a bit at the weekend, it’s never a huge amount or what I would consider ‘bad’. I track everything I eat/drink so am getting annoyed at it all. There’s a little voice in the back of my head that says ‘why bother if it’s not going to make any difference?’ I know that being active and eating good stuff is more important than just the reflection on the scale, but how do I keep that in mind when I’m constantly failing at my weight loss coal?! *sigh* I know I need to keep being consistent and I’ll eventually see results, but when will eventually arrive?? Anyway… My workouts were all on point last week. I met my macro goals most days. I only had diet coke on one day. And I spent parts of the weekend doing some much needed de-cluttering of my craft room. It’s still a long way to done (and the rest of the house needs it too) but at least I made a start. I started today by walking to work. All six miles of it. Turns out that there are only 4 people in my division taking part in the charity challenge, and they’re all site based… So hopefully I should win the extra day. Which would come in handy as I’ve just booked a week off in November which uses up the last of my free days off. I have to hold 3 days in reserve for the Christmas shutdown period, although technically I could go into work, but as there won’t be any work to do, I’d rather just take the days off and chill with my cats. Just been talking to my boss/work colleague about weight loss. She was asking if a pink and white wafer-thing was ok if it fit into her daily calories. When I asked what her goal was, she said 1100. A day. Everything I’ve read repeatedly says to not go below 1200. At an absolute minimum. I think I’ve managed to convince her to up it slightly, but she insists that its ‘the only thing that works’… Makes me want to hit my head on the desk. Repeatedly. *second sigh* Think today is just going to be a struggle. I’m struggling to stay awake. I’m struggling to get any work done. I’m struggle to not dive face first into the birthday cake in the kitchen. I’m struggling to not beat my colleague around the head with my nutrition homework… All I want to do if go back to bed and hope that tomorrow is more productive. I’ll try and do a circuit of everyones challenges this evening… It’s not something I’m good at remembering to do, so no promises! ...

I generally stick to soda and lime when I'm out and about now, but even that's slipped lately! Started having lemonade and lime, and then slipped back into having coke with lime... So its back to zero tolerance for me! YAY! I hate the term 'diet' It should just mean 'what you eat' but now it generally means 'Restriction, misery and guilt'. So 'Fuel' is a far better term in my head I'm trying to only consume fruit in its whole form, as a lot of the nutrients get removed when you juice it. If I'm aiming for 'low sugar' then fruit juice is out My teeth have been so much better since I cut it all out. My gums used to bleed every time I brushed them, and the number of fillings I've needed since I 'quit' are down drastically, so the last thing I want is to start back tracking! I'm not a fan of cycling through the city, or I would bike to work. I'd much rather be on my own two feet, even if it does take twice as long! I may try it one day, just to see how bad it is though... I have the soya almond yogurt (I know soy isn't NF approved, but its cheaper than the coconut milk yogurt and I can't have dairy) and mix a scoop of chocolate protein powder into it. I then slice up a banana and add that too. It's definitely an acquired taste, but its quick, easy and the only way I ever come close to my macro goals!