shinigamiPUNCH

Oh yeah I could get there fine, it is an easy drive. But getting around the citites is what makes me nervous. I suppose the only way out of that is to just give it a go, more than likely I'll just end up lost and have to consult a map.

Vacation plans are in jeopardy... have to find a creative way to let work allow me to take the extra time off since I used too much PTO so far this year also I had to use savings for an emergency. I am interviewing for a new job on Monday though... maybe they would allow me to take the vacation. Working on selling all my old plus sized clothes and random junk I don't need for some funds. I also have some skills I might be able to monetize.

The regular ones. I get some weird looks/comments when I wear mine.

Awesome!! Nice to meet you!

OMG I would drive 250+ miles to go there. I'm trying to get my boyfriend to go spend the weekend in the cities soon, but he's reluctant. Honestly, the driving scares me (we have very flat small roads in Fargo).

So I have been plugging along... every other day I make sure and do 100 air squats and I've added 50 wall push ups (my form sucked so I went back to wall plus I can do them in the restroom at work). I have been walking every day 30 - 60 minutes, also added yoga which I really really like. Helps with the stiffness (doctor thinks I have rheumatoid arthritis. Ha.) and pain. I have not been eating well, however. Boyfriend has been taking me out to eat too much that I'm now addicted to carbs and sugar again. I just don't know how to break this habit. I'm thankful every time he doesn't ask me if I want dessert because I know I can't say no. I have done several scary things: I started yoga. I also did traffic control for the Fargo Marathon this weekend - stopping cars with my body is scary. I also asked a coworker to help me get my couch and help me carry it in my apartment. I bought a basket for my bike (I already have a fat butt seat) and am going to ride it around town.

Yeah Alton Brown! I have a cheapo food dehyrator, was a gift not what I picked out. I mostly use it to dehydrate fruit to appease my children with when they're really craving candy. I want to eventually make beef jerky, just been too busy.

I feed my kids beef jerky, nuts and dried fruit mix, deli meat wrapped in lettuce, apples, cold chicken, raw veggies. Also we pack a lot of things and eat in lobbies and while waiting for stuff to happen - then I can pack things like tuna and sardines and sauces/dips. But I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old and they're neat freaks. I like ogre Fionna, but I understand the sentiment. I would like to be human Fionna too.

What I wouldn't give for a work from home type of job! I tried to talk my current employer in it, but they'd rather pursue short term disability for the days I'm sick than working to help me be sick less often. I will have to give IF a go, I suspect most of my issues are mental and not physical...

I love kale chips! Good job on the 9.1 lbs! I am debating IF as well as there are just so many days where thinking about eating protein and fat make me want to vomit (apparently IBS related). I thought maybe it would be best to not eat on those days. Did you have a hard start with the IF? What did you do to keep your mind off of food (for me standing at work makes me want to eat)?

Awesome advice, thanks! I'm a litle nervous about including the BF in my plans. We have wildly different ideas on "vacation" and "eating habits." Also I think he'd rather be in a hotel but it's too late for that. =P

Update Had a really rough past few days. Most days I did between 70 - 80 squats. I also walked a lot in an attempt to clear my mind. I did next to nothing else (including eating). I was so anxious that not only did I end a 5 year relationship via the phone but at one point I was contemplating running away and starting a new lif with a new name(I can laugh now). I didn't sleep for 5 days and my IBS is acting up something fierce. I realized that not only can I not believe that my boyfriend actually loves me but the thought that any day he could leave me puts me into a panic attack. I don't understand how normal people do this whole relationship thing. I hit myself with all the facts about why it's possible I am loveable (ie: I cry for unborn babies, therefore they have worth. I've accomplished more than an unborn baby so conceivably I should also have worth). I hit myself with all the touchy feely feelings stuff (embrace my inner crying child blah blah). It really sucks coming from a past where you were made to feel worse than dirt. I see it affect my relationship with the most wonderful man I've ever met all the time. The past few days have been so difficult and my boyfriend has inadvertantly hurt me so much, but he has been the most vocal about why he's with me that he's ever been. He has so much kindness and compassion, sometimes he just forgets to think. I don't know what the future will bring me, much less the next few hours. I hope that every day we continue to love each other as much as I hope every day I can eat something without being in pain. But I'll continue pressing on, for whatever that ends up as I don't know.

Yeah volunteering! Awesome choice for a goal! You get to do fun things, meet new people, and help out.

Yeah I was going more for... getting out and being social, partaking in new physical activities... maybe take a class. Lol it's funny how things work out. I am going to jump rope in my Grandma's backyard tomorrow. For some reason, that is terribly embarrassing/scary to me.

Today... err yesterday... 1) I did 70 air squats today then got distracted 2) I walked for 15 minutes and again got distracted 3) I ate Reese's peanut butter cups for lunch, but successfully ignored carb cravings around 9pm 4) Today was a just plain scary day. My boyfriend is on vacation with a female friend (have yet to hear from him if he made it there fine), got in a fight with both my Mom and sister, apparently forgot how to sleep... I did a lot with honesty today and it blew up in my face, but I realized some things that I had been feeling for a very long time but somehow didn't notice. I got two hours of sleep last night and it's 1:39am and I still can't sleep. AND I took medication that is supposed to make me sleepy (I am sleepy just can't get there).

Sometimes it seems like when you eat, it just magically disappears on the way to your stomach. Eggs are a good choice, though.

Yesterday I did 80 air squats spread out over the whole day. I found it really helped with my leg pain and kept me from wanting to eat junk. I did eat a few onion rings and some frozen yogurt last night, otherwise I ate at clean. For the amount of stress I felt yesterday, that is a huge improvement. I walked for 30 minutes on my lunch break and another 30 later on. I did something scary: I was completely honest with my boyfriend last night. I told him how hurt I was about his decisions and how confused I was. I told him how I didn’t know what I wanted out of our relationship. This morning when I was driving away from the airport, I saw a beautiful rainbow. I got to drive home looking at it the whole way. It was nice. It feels good to be honest. I am absolutely terrified of the next four days, but I will do my best to face it.

Day 3 Update I've decided to change my goals after much deliberation while I spent the afternoon sick in bed.... here they are: 1) Eat food when hungry - I've realized I have a major issue with emotional eating. I can eat fine when I'm not stressed or not sick, but when sh#t hits the fan, I break out the crap. I can accomplish this by finding a more constructive activity to do when stressed/sick (ie take a bath, write in my journal, call my Grandma, take a walk, make some tea). 2) Walk 30 min every day - I think this is more important than getting the running thing down. Since allergies have been so bad, I think I should aim for at least doing something every day. And I like walking, it clears my mind. 3) Perfect my squat - push ups are great and I need to work on them, but I'm reading all these things about *ahem* bowel issues and squatting. My goal is 100 squats no issues. 4) Do something scary every other day - I still think this is a good idea. I need to learn how to speak up on what I need to take care of myself. And I need to stop acting like I'm so wimpy because I'm not. What I did today.... I went to work this morning even though I had a really difficult time getting out of bed and getting ready. On my lunch break I found I was running a low grade fever, which happens sometimes when my allergies are bad and usually goes away after a few hours. I've talked to my allergist about this and there really is no good way of knowing whether I am contagious sick or just sick sick, but I was told if it's getting that extreme I should rest. So I called my boss and took the afternoon off. This was scary. I always feel like I'm letting the team down by not toughing it out, but sometimes you need a rest.

Day Two Update! I had such a bad attitude today. I woke up very confused about my life and relationship. I had a really good few past days with my boyfriend, but the fact remains that this weekend he is doing something in which I don't think I have the ability to support. As such, I ate terrible. I had gluten/dairy free cookies for lunch and a milkshake with my supper (which I am already regretting). I need to work on the emotional eating. I donated blood today, so exercise was out of the question. And I inadvertently did something scary... my boyfriend took me to Applebee's for dinner because donating blood always makes me tired. When I got my food, the chicken was burnt and the plate over all looked like absolute crap. I have low standards, but this was bad. So I asked for a new plate and different meal. This was a big deal for me. I know that when customers complain they get their way and I didn't want the staff to think I was a picky annoying something-or-other. Then afterwards on the ride home my boyfriend talked me through my feelings and I don't feel uncomfortable with having to do it again in the future if I'm unsatisfied (see what I mean about him being a good guy?). All in all bad attitude is gone. I know I can and will eat better tomorrow!

So I reserved my campsite. August 5th - August 9th for better or worse I will be camping at Goosberry State Park. As a weird turn of events, my boyfriend will be joining me. <-- not sure how I feel about the circumstances involved in THAT one there. Health problems be damned I am going to keep to my plans!

Haha for me it always seems like I can do so much and I think I'll be fine... then 24 - 48 hours later I am cursing the word "movement" of any sort. Hope you get over it soon!!

I have some medical issues working against me too. It makes me more appreciative of things most people take for granted... like being able to walk around outside without the old airways swelling shut. Good luck to you!!

Oh man, that takes guts talking about the depression issues. It's not talked about often enough. I was on meds for about 2 - 3 years and I never found a dosage/medication combination that worked for me. I just went from crazy to super crazy to zombie. For me though, my issues were all lifestyle related (abusive husband) and therapy has helped tremendously. You definately aren't weak. You're tough, you have to try hard because of what's going on in your life. Anyway, I think you're pretty rad.

I freaking love food. Heck yes northern midwesterner-er! There needs to be more of us!

Yeah push up! One of my goals too!