Kairiel

study half cleaned! yay! i moved in and dumped junk everywhere. :\ Running going well! After restarting 2 weeks ago, i went from 9x2min to 6x5min!!!! I feel super proud. Hopefully i can make the next jump up to 5x8min. 30 day challenge, so far ive missed one of 5 days, but i was super drained and fell asleep at 7 so i wasnt too bothered by it. Clean eating interesting.... i am eating yoghurt again, because im hoping the probiotics will help with digestive issues.......... I did get my computer issue worked out! It turns out when i fell asleep on my computer one time i turned on filter keys! EEEEEEK ONLY 54 DAYS TIL CLASSES START I JUST WANNA SCREAM

2 months til i am back at university for the first time since sem1 2013. I dont know what ive done to my computer but its crazy annoying right now. It clicks every time i hit a button and wont do double letters i have to go back and add another later. Same with deleting. Only one character at a time. ARGH Goals: 1)Do my 30 day fitness challenges. Str+4 2)90% clean eating. Con+4 3)Run 3x week +Sta+4 side Q) Set up study so i can use it when semester starts. wis+3 I might expand on this later but right now i'm taking my computer to a parent who knows about computers and can tell me which function i've accidentally activated...

I forgot about the end of the challenge! :\ I MUST MAKE A HOW TO COPE WITH CONSISTENTLY BAD MOODS PLAN I do have fortified foods, and my bloods all came back normal. It might actually be a protein problem cos i was doing a lot of exercise and eating badly. like 15-30g protein a day. So I'm trying to fix that now. I might go back to myfitnesspal or something. Goals: 1)Eat 90% vegan (wis+1, con+3) I think i did okay here. about the only thing i stuck with during the challenge :\ (a) 2)Strength train 3x a week. (str +5) I did it for the first 4 weeks, so i think thats a b. I stopped in despair after hamstring issue. © 3)Stretch second-daily(dex+3) I did this also for the first four weeks, and this is how i hurt my hamstring. © Side quest: Go on Duolingo or use my books to study German, an hour a week.(wis+3) Oh lord but i horrendously sucked at this after week 3. (d) SOOOOOPREVIOUSLYlevel 5 Amazon Druid str5 wis11 cha5 dex5 sta11 con7 CURRENTLY level 6 Amazon Druid str9 wis13 cha5 dex8 sta11 con10 Next challenge ought to be better. I'll make it so! :s

i have done almost nothing! I spent all day listening to music cos its all thats keeping me together atm. i did my chin ups but not pushups. some hypo dancing too. *starts singing*

least amount of sleep ive had in months and months. Is that another sign?? sigh. Im talking myself into it.

Since you asked, my german is going awfully! I could barely muster up the strength to do my therapy homework. Sadly though, i appear to be becoming manic again, and while its a great change from the awfulness of misery, its not particularly comfortable. The fact that im noticing is good it might curb the impulsiveness. Im doing an ok job of hiding it. I havent left my room except to eat XD. I talked to one of those crisis hotlines but they told me i was too distracted to be getting useful help here and sent me away. I think im being coherent here. Go me. I havent once spoken about how the air is somehow invisible or that the door is open or the sky is still blue even though we call it black at night..... anyway, exercise went badly today because a leg injury definitely means i cant exercise my arms. The fooding is ok but without vegan noms ive started living off nuts and seeds. Im getting sick of it. But i cant drive alone when im deprssed cos anxiety and i cant drive while up cos what even is traffic rules and also ARGH I PANIC AT STUFF FOR NO REASON BECAUSE EXCITEMENT AND ANXIETY FEEL THE SAME PHYSICALLY and im so very excited i might start laughing again oh please no my body is breaking but its fun no its not im going to shut up because i should do something but i wont if i move i might do something stupid so ill sit here and jiggle and maybe haunt other forums and waste brain power there

hmm. Something i ought to do. Exercise. I went to a doctor today and he was nice and caring and cute So im up for a collection of bloodtests they give to vegetarians. Did i mention i might be slightly in love with him? Or it could just be my idealising flaring up. After pulling a hamstring(not badly) my exercise got lame. I also havent eaten near enough protein. But i am making a playlist of songs that remind me of mania. helpful. By all the gods i wish i had energy again

i did not complete pushups. I just feel so bad! I cant even eat without getting sick.... whyyyyyyyy

oops. i dont remember what i had for dinner that night! I had falafel and vegan potato salad tonight.... no idea how to spell falafel. Ive been really enjoying values work. Im actually surprised how much i value connectedness. I liked to think of myself as a loner. I really am not. Im just selective. I also had health, spirituality and cleverness as values. Just need to start living them. Im thinking of selecting my favourite 5 and trying to live in congruence with them. Tonights run was really proud-making. I ran the whole thing! no walk breaks!!!!!!! :D That means i can officially run 5km! it takes about 40 minutes though. oh well. The weather was perfect for it, but im surprised i made it. It was a song-by-song competition with the self I did my chin ups, actually really proud of how im going there. I keep ignoring squats because i dont want to after running. I did my plank, but i couldnt do 2.5 minutes. I barely made 2. I might have to adjust the challenge to something reasonable cos SERIOUSLY who can do a 30 second leap in a plank after one workout??? 15 second intervals might work. food is good when i eat at home. Out i tend to just be vegetarian. One of my friends asked if it bothers me that people keep staring. (i have extensive scarring from self harm...) I said "im used to it. They either stare cos im attractive or cos im weird" I like to think its true. Its probably a lie i tell to myself so i can live outside the house. Speaking of self views and lies about, i started work on heart chakra today. I used it as motivation during tonights run. Im hoping to look at how i see myself and relationships this week. right. Need to do pushups. I will. eventually possibly maybe at least im going to leave here so i have more chance of doing them

i really want your basement! or any basement... mind you itd just be filled with useless things. I like your list thing. Lists are handy. If they inspire action that is.

Im glad something positive has happened with the bank situation. Also i think you are brave for sorting it out.... id probably let it go until too late. So yeah - go you! Is express really that expensive?

Yay! success!!! almost! i did 43/45 running minutes in tonights workout. thats a record run for me. Struggling a lot with identity and personal strengths atm. I just dont know much about me, i cling to personality typing like its my mother just to feel like im part of something and real. Diet okay, but im getting obsessive with my iron intake. I feel great but terrible about my flexibility cos im 2-3" off touching the floor in both straddle and forwards splits. Strength training is happening, but badly. I kind of cheat with pullups cos i dont fully straighten arm between ups, and i find it hard to do squats after hill runs into strong winds. Just dont have any butt muscle left. :\ Wednesday may become my German study day because i legit have nothing to do tomorrow. Yoga, meditation, writing, German, crying(about my feeling aimless and stupid) and being envious of my sister cos she has language and artistic talents and i'm just average at things, except music and mechanics where i have exactly 1/100 skill points. No need to tell me im sure to have talents(im going to assume you care enough to want to be supportive) because i know i do in theory i just havent found them yet and thats what im doing now. And probably for the next years. How disheartening. Anyways, asides from my horrible depression about things im trying to get a handle of, i feel great! well, straight after exercise i do. Generally im slightly below average mood wise but i'm becoming amazing at questioning/challenging people who have ideas i dont understand or disagree with, speaking my ideas, and people are happy to see me come out of my shell. See, i have positive things to say about myself. its almost 9 i really should eat dinner....

I actually owned a book on callanetics(i found it in an opshop) but it was quite old(compared to me! I was in my teens still) and i never got into it so i think i recycled it.... If it works for you thats all that matters! I need your de-cluttering willingness.

Today went well. I did two consecutive chin ups in the morning, during my chin up challenge. My run was the best in four weeks. My stretching is improved. Im about to do my 30 day challenges... Not sure i want to do the squats because it was hill runs tonight. The up-downside was dad made dinner for me and put cheese in it. Best intentions though so i forgave him. The breakthrough! I WENT RUNNING IN A CROP TOP. I didnt feel self conscious. It was great! I REALLY need new runners cos im getting blisters. but money!

I really ought to have just bought lined paper. When i can draw a straight line i will maybe write a journal left handed. Its still so clumsy and hard work. Also, sterre, if i can find a white board i'll try it out too!

Thanks silverwitch! I will have to write down those forms and take your advice! I will crack out an exercise book and start scribing. Are there any reputable sources for translation that you know of? You should go back to German, LittleTurtle! we can be confused together! unless youre actually any good, of course! Saw Spectre today. It was okay. Mostly because Daniel Craig looks good in a suit(that butt!!!). Made friend do worst exercise tape of all times. It was hilarious, especially her reaction(''Thrusting AGAIN?!"). Its day off for strength training, i had a non-vegan smoothie, i skipped running for the movie and i only practiced my left handed writing, not my German. I gave up in confusion! If i could afford a tutor... AKK at the thought of doing 55 pushups tomorrow. Need to beat my best of 80 in a workout, so have to keep training. This chronic exhaustion is getting frustrating.

Im writing another entry today, because it was friggin awesome! It started with a trip to a usually crowd packed 3-hour-wait government building for a simple errand. There were no crowds. I was in and out within a minute. Then it was a coffee date with dad talking about presuppositions and he helped me with a new technique for my horrible anxiety. Anchoring. After that i went and bought a couple of handwriting books to continue my left handedness practice. Theyre $12AUD each. Rip off! Then it was group time! We were discussing values and i spent the whole time questioning things... i cant remember now. I had 11 non-values. Someone told me i always seemed cheerful and bright and open(or something like that), to which i responded something along the lines of "Of course i am! how are we supposed to learn anything off eachother if we dont communicate?". When i got home it was left-hand-writing and German time! Though i will admit to quite a lot of internet scrolling... I also went on a run, my best in 3 weeks... it was only 3x10min but after 2x10 being my highest in two weeks i felt accomplished. I did all of my 30 day challenges. My friend finally texted me. I ate chips for dessert. I have a mini roadtrip tomorrow. Im in high spirits. Even though i forgot my meditation today and its my last day on the sacral chakra so i really ought to do it. Im going to fall asleep during it and lose my crystal but i feel obliged. Good night, people!

What are the German words for Summer, Autumn, Winter and Spring? I'm struggling to find which words are the main ones. And why does run become Läuft for sie/es not rennt like er? IT DOESNT FIT WITH MY RULE *sob* this is hard. On second thoughts i give up on that because i just read that rennen is racing style running so im hoping i can find translations for jogging for all the .... what do you call the "he, she, it, they" words? I should maybe study english grammar first..... Im half way through my hour.

Because i'm all over the place, i started several 30 day fitness challenges (you probs heard of them if youve looked at weight loss of fitness things). So its squats/lunges, pushups, chinups and planks. How hard can it be? still no cardio so far this week but mum is running tonight .'. i am. Stretched once this week. Was supposed to last night but since i do it on running days after im warm i seem to skip it a lot. :\ Woke up horribly fatigued, but at least i had a cool dream about being an Amazon Shaman in the modern world. Diet still going right. German failed so epically i cant even explain my reasons for nothingness. What am i doing? I have so much spare time but all i do is scroll through pinterest. And pinning German vocab IS NOT learning German vocab. On track to fail german part of challenge. I have 5 hours to do in rest of challenge. Lets go! (if i havent even started will i manage to knuckle down? im wearing my soon-to-be university jumper, which i hoped would get me doing things but NOPE NOPE NOPE another rant on how much i think i suck. sigh..... Positives..... I discovered almond milk hot chocolate is disgusting. Mum bought me some yummy seeds. I am believing in my Gods again after a massive dive in faith. They are still proud of me. I HAVE done chakra exercises. Meditation is happening still. WHY didnt i make that one of my goals XD Mind you, if i had i would probably NOT do it. Im getting behind on today so i better go

Progress report! 1)Eat 90% vegan Still doing well at this. I tried spreading the awareness by asking someone to watch earthlings. they didnt even finish chapter one out of horror and sadness at the content but they havent made any life changes. 2)Strength train 3x a week. My plan is to do a jillian michaels DVD today. Mum is here so i thought i'd drag her into it. 3)Stretch second-daily Stretched on sunday, and i need to do it today too. argh. WHY do we have to do things regularly. Cant we get there, stop and not slide backwards? that would make me happy. Go on Duolingo or use my books to study German, an hour a week. Havent even touched it. Its my biggest cause for guilt. I have nothing to do tomorrow so i might try to do the whole hour at once. If i cant do a subject im motivated to do how will i survive uni? I planned on doing exercise but i probably wont. Suffering from the "i dont wanna"s. I lost about 2 kg according to the scales this morning but i havent been dieting. I just rechecked and while im full of food and coffee at the end of the day and im what i weigh normally in the morning. It pleases me and scares me cos i really dont need to lose weight, but my old mentally unwell self would celebrate getting skinny. So i made a batch of pancakes and ate them all smothered in sugar(and lime juice cos we had no lemon). I also have no energy and im falling asleep and i wonder if its related to the weight loss. I will go back to recording my intake and see what im missing. Its too early into veganism for anemia. Unless i already had it? I was eating dairy and nothing else for quite a while. Maybe i should see a doctor(insert anxiety here). I am falling asleep and its only 1805. Proper starting to nod, i have a headache, tired. I got up at 8. Maybe meditation will help invigorate me.

that soup truly looks amazing! I haven't had soup in ages(that didnt come from a tin). The bank better contact you soon... Its nice to hear you are coping well with rubbishy students through a challenge item! how nifty.

I know a lot of people who need the time straight after work. I wish you understanding people so you actually get it! That crochet book will be yours!

I didnt even realise it had been so long! Nothing good to report. NOTHING eurgh. Got period, didnt do any study, i didnt do my strength training, ive run once all week, and it was mostly a walk, i had milk and cheese yesterday D: actually, good did happen! There was a thunderstorm! Went to the beach with my mum to watch it. There was quite a crowd but i loved it anyway, even though laying there clutching my abdomen. Oh, and ive meditated a bit. Theres a chance i will run today. I am definitely going to do a walk, now the weather is back in the 20's celcius(always have to specify!) it reached 38 yesterday. the nightmare. Sacral chakra day two! Its a bit scary because of going through emotions i didnt want to ever revisit. But i need to sort my stuff out.

I think i should change strength train 3x a week, to 2x. I just dont feel recovered enough tonight. I did one chin up and almost died! Previous to this challenge it was once every 5-9 days. So i think its a reasonable change. Running went badly because my sister had a birthday. She seemed to like it better than previous ones (a memorable one our dad and her husband went through a couple bottles of jack and spent her birthday puking all night) but still thought dad and husband were lousy participants. Just didn't really acknowledge her. I might go do a small interval training thing tonight, if my dad will come back from exercise group not grumpy, and therefore amiable to dog walking. Diet going well, but i get paranoid about what flavourings are being used in soft drinks. "Am i drinking fish bladder? what is that even? Beaver glands? ARGH" I have done no german today or yesterday. I did however, get a letter FROM germany, and im going to count that. XD not really. i wont. :\ I got to do a tarot reading for a friend today! I think he liked it, but with friends you can never tell if they just say its good to make you feel better. It was finance related which is so far from my area of expertise i cant even!!!!!! I started watching smallville. I dont even know why i own it. Truly. im going to roast some pumpkin. I keep meaning to do my journalling for the "earth magic" book im reading, but im too lazy to do it, my reasoning being "i need to sort out the mess i made first so i cant do anything until thats done. Okay, well... looks like im doing nothing" FRUSTRATIONNNN Also i REALLY want chocolate. Really. Badly. *sobbing*

Thats rotten luck about the website. Is it messing with the emotions much? Frustration, sadness? I feel like a psychologist now. Also luck on the apartment.