Emma

I told my therapist that when my mother died I went into the kitchen and broke most of her dishes. Felt good. Therapist said go to goodwill, buy some old dishes and smash them when you need to. Neighbors saw me go into side yard one day with dishes in my hand, heard crashes, and then I walked back out without dishes. The looks on their faces... Go for it. It was fun. And it did help. Flea needs to be careful with voodoo dolls since she is living in the same house still. Dealing with their headaches, stomach ulcers, etc. might get difficult.

I am feeling loved tonight. I was annoyed when I saw another guys name turn up on a case in my area. We aren’t supposed to do that without boss’s okay. I emailed boss letting him know. He emailed let the guy take the case. I called boss. He said he knows I’m under stress and is trying to help me out. Jeez, what did I do to deserve this boss? (He’s happily married and I’m old enough to be his mother, so get your mind out of there.) I just show up and do my job and I am still surprised by people who can’t do manage to do that.

Just an update today, proper challenge later. Monday PT/walk yes Red Flag warning, yes, but not as bad as yesterday. Winds not as bad. I want to bump up my fitness level somehow. Current exercises are maintaining my level of fitness but not increasing it. My stress and anxiety are much better now. Realized that I had two different desires for my life and that they were incompatible with each other. One of them is my own true desire, the other was encouraged, if you will, by other people. It’s hard to ignore that other one because I don’t want to disappoint other people and it seems to be always in my face. But you know what? I don’t think they really care all that much about what I do or don’t do. I need to follow my own true desire.

They have called in units from other areas and propositioned them in high risk areas. Winds picked up, 30-40mph, gusts 80 mph. 5% humidity. Lots of small fires. Haven’t heard about anything really worrisome yet. Another day of this is expected. My bags are still packed and near me.

Sunday PT/walk yes Red flag warning, yes. Sigh. Go bag packed and going to work with me, miss bunny in my passenger seat. They are taking this one very seriously. They have closed access to some parks and have suggested the residents in Berkeley hills to find someplace else for a couple of days. Off to work now, wish us luck.

Yes, I prefer Pepsi to coke. We are an exclusive club.

You are not alone. I’m a Pepsi fan, too.

Thursday PT no Walk, no Red flag warning is lifted as of now. I am giving myself a solid B+ for this challenge. I continued with putting on a bra almost every day and taking showers three times a week. I missed a few showers but not many. I missed more PT than I wanted. There was one stretch where I went several days with no exercise, bad Emma. Tiny challenges, small changes are working better for me. Feeling much better stress wise. Went to music store yesterday and talked to one of the (very cute and very nice) staff. Asked about putting on that piece I wrote about mass shootings. He is in. I have something to say. I need to write. I need to get my pieces performed. I am still pissed at that church because I really didn’t get any support or help at the beginning of the shutdown when I needed it. I still feel shut out, on the outside looking in. Never made any friends there despite my best efforts.

Hugs.

Wednesday PT yes Walk yes Red flag warning yes Dammit.

Tuesday PT, no Walk, yes Spoke with counselor on warm line

A brief intro: Abusive parents, abusive ex husband. Ran away 12 years ago, when my youngest turned 18 and I couldn’t be dragged through the courts about child support. Currently work as mobile X-ray tech (covid 19 anyone?) and live in Sonoma county (two evacuations in three years due to wildfire, came close to another one a few weeks ago, and fire season’s not over yet). PTSD anyone? On the up side, I have a job I enjoy, I do love where I live, am financially stable and relatively healthy. Challenge: So far all I’ve got is: Shower M, W, and F. Continue with the exercise I’ve been doing. Walk when I can, PT daily. I have been adding knee exercises to the PT, and have started to resume the shoulder rehabs. I have been continuing with the get dressed every day and keep house clean from previous challenges. Last challenge I was looking around for a structured exercise program but said “yuck, not gonna” to everything. I have a strong rebellious streak and don’t like being told what to do. I do the PT because I know if I don’t I will hurt. So I am just going to add exercises to the PT for specific reasons, e.g. anti sitting exercise because I do so much sitting all the time. Eating. Should be easy and simple, shouldn’t it? Hah. Not enough to eat as a kid (mother was health nut, no dessert, no snacks, no second helpings, seriously underweight at end of high school), carb heavy diet (second helpings! Yay!) during marriage (poverty) which led to obesity. I am doing better with emotional eating but really can’t stand denying myself the treats or second helpings I never got as a child. I hated being hungry all the time. Still do. Need to lose rather a lot of weight to be considered in the healthy range. Other than the weight, health is pretty good. I want to eat better, but what is better? And how do I do it without a lot of rules and regulations which I will rebel against?