Emma

Procedure rescheduled for Thursday.

Absolutely fascinating. Must learn more.

Thanks guys.

 Love you

The computer gods were smiling. My old files are still there and my goodness, I had already started transcribing the new song.

It was a long night. A very long night. Overtime and Cheetos were involved. EMMA YOU IDJIT! WHENEVER you LEAVE the HOUSE make sure there are PROTEIN BARS  in your bag and TAKE your MEDS with you!

Project for the day: Set up ye olde computer and pray to the computer gods (okay we need a computer god.  Any suggestions?) that my old files aren’t corrupted. I have a plan. I wrote a new piece to add to the Murder of Innocents piece (about mass shootings) and then show it to a music acquaintance  for her advice, thoughts, etc. I want to get this piece performed again and her feedback will be invaluable. She has the connections needed to get the piece performed and also I trust her opinion about whether or not I have a chance of getting the performance I dream of.

 Plan for the day: keep my blood sugar in the green zone and get a walk done and get some more sleep.

Still not too sure what happened. Apparently, maybe, someone on the staff at the jail felt J was rude to her? Hard to believe since J is one of the most mellow people I know. 
 Gym was done. Dumbbells. I was the only woman, and a fat woman at that, in the weight section. Yeah, the guys were looking. I don’t care what people say about other people in the gym not noticing you. They notice. Well, screw them. At least they can’t beat on me the way they did in martial arts. I loved karate but once I got into the higher ranks (yeah, only woman again) the guys turned into bullies and I got tired of going home with bruises and concussions.

 I leg-pressed 210 pounds. Just wanted to see how bad it’s gotten. Used to press 360. Sigh. Much work to be done.

Down a pound, gym day. Gym is good for me. Right? 

 Something horrible happened at work. A tech did something that led to a complaint to the regional manager (boss’s boss). Other techs are group texting each other like crazy and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED! Coworker is getting grilled when he drops off equipment today. I don’t think I should join in the group text and look like an idiot asking duhh, what happened? 
 Countdown to surgery. Pre op preparation starts  tomorrow. Not scared. Yet. 

Heard it on the news too. If he can say he’s 215 pounds then I can say I’m 115 pounds and a supermodel. Yeah, let’s wait on that trip to the sun. 

I’ll go with you.

Well I really had to drag myself to the gym, but I did it and the cable machine was fixed and available and I used it and I really did feel better.

So trainer taught me two weight routines, one with the cable machine and one dumbbells. Managed to carve out the time to go to the gym today and did my warmups and found out the cable machine was out of order and the dumbbells were in use. Back at home and seriously annoyed right now. 

I removed all the chocolate from my place.

 Two days with no chocolate. I am DESPERATE!

In afib again.

possible triggers: 

not enough sleep

lifting heavy in the (wimpy Northern California) heat

fear about asking teachers opinion on the price I wrote. Am I afraid he won’t like it? I am more afraid that he will like it and tell me I have to get it performed without giving me a little help on HOW! That’s where I’ve been stuck for a few years now. The piece was performed at church and received favorably but I don’t know how to approach other people about getting it performed in another venue (I have tried and failed). I am thinking about going to church on Sunday and asking A and J how to get in touch with teacher and scared about an unfavorable response (rejection) there. God, I’ve had so many rejections over the years and I am so tired of it. 

I’m seeing Halloween stuff in the stores. Argh.

Pbbbt.

 Walked further this morning without the fatigue. Had second session with personal trainer. Went better than last week. Last week my heart rate was really high and this week not so much. I have noticed that straight up fear can increase my heart rate significantly. I am going to hurt so bad tomorrow from DOMS. 

 Went over notes I have on doctor conversations. Seems we did discuss the fatigue thing before and he said it was totally on me, it wasn’t the afib.

Pbbbt. I have got some work to do.

Walked half a mile today. Tired. Surprisingly tired. Pre pandemic I could walk two to three miles without trouble. Don’t know if it is the afib or being incredibly out of shape. I want it to be better. Afraid it won’t if it is the afib. 

Insanity:

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting the results to be different.

 My blood sugar is still too high and my weight is basically not budging.

 So I need to try something different.

But what?

I decided to go to the gym and play. Just play. The cable machine is fun and I just messed around with light weights because it felt good. I also managed one mile walk at home.

The ex’s father died. In his sleep, 98 years old. We have been worried about what ex would do when grandpa died because ex has never in his life lived alone. So it seems his plan is to move near youngest so youngest can help out (i.e. take care of him) and then move into assisted living when he needs to. Youngest was very clear dad is on his own and he needs a financial planner (pretty sure ex has no idea how much assisted living costs, his social security is not going to to even remotely cover it). So youngest is stressing about this, his fiance is talking restraining orders. Good for her. We spent an hour talking about how messed up our family was and fiancé learned a lot. She asked about my sister at one time, is sis was spoiled? and son answered immediately yes, total double standard, grandma  treated me way worse than sis. It is nice to have that validation, that it wasn’t my imagination like sis says. 
 And my sister now says she is autistic and has a learning disability. Ha ha ha. She is the most socially adept person I know and got straight As and Bs in high school. Ha ha ha. She is so totally delusional.  I have given up talking to her about my heart issues because she always has to up the competition and be in much worse health than me. 
 Work was horrible last night. My equipment is failing and the past couple of weeks I have been getting to know the IT team quite well. Boss has been avoiding the issue. He is making a list of places where I am not to take X-rays because the equipment won’t work there. The list is getting longer. It’s ridiculous. IT says I have some of the oldest gear in the country. The current theory is there is interference from wifi networks nearby (the plate and laptop use wifi to connect and send the images from the xray plate to the computer).  Last night I drove from Napa to Santa Rosa to pick up coworkers equipment and then back to Napa to do the xray. Argh! I am not going to use my gear anymore and just share with coworker. Oh, and we’re still sharing the ekg machine. Gah. This is ridiculous. 

Thank you snarky. That is good to hear.

 Today is supposed to be gym day. I don’t wanna. I’m still sore from Thursday and I’m tired. Still haven’t finished the meal prepping I planned for Wednesday and Thursday. Still going up and down with the same two pounds. Discouraged. But I need to do it. 

Had lots of blips yesterday but did not go into full wonky mode. Realized they were coming from fear. Had first session with trainer yesterday and was terrified I would end up in twenty four hour afib. Kept watching my Apple Watch  heart rate. It went up into 120s with an occasional 130s  so I was scared but made it. No afib! 140 is apparently the avoid at all costs number (the red zone) although I will aim for 120s at the highest. We’ll call 130s the yellow zone.  I realized I am in ridiculously bad shape, the worst of my life most likely. There was a 90 year old lady there putting me to shame. Got a long way to go. 

Had some more blips when I went out to do some shopping. They were most likely fear. Fear that I would go into afib while I was out. which would not be fatal but damn I am so scared these days about my heart and it’s probably  going to be worse  after the operation, because I can undo the procedure by going too hard too fast.  But in the long run, i do need to keep pushing myself to make my heart healthier eventually, but not push too hard too fast. Argh. Balancing.

Anyway DOMS today , walking would be a good idea for a rest day.

You deserve clean sheets. Especially this week.

Yay dad!

 Yay snarky for taking care of herself. Put your oxygen mask on first.

It is possible to break a blood vessel in the throat from coughing too much. Try not to worry, especially if it’s a one time thing.

 I told my kids there are always choices, but not all of them are legal.   And if you choose the not legal one, be prepared to deal with the consequences.

 Good luck.

Afib episode cleared last night. They usually last a bit less than twenty four hours. Work went well. Conversation with awesome boss went well. I am to let him know asap when a hilly home appears on the work board and not do it. 
 The meatloaf and ham slice dinners went fast last week.   Need to make some more tomorrow. 
 Found this online and it blew me away. I want, and want real bad. Christmas present for Emma? (My iPad is eight years old, planning to get a new one soon.)

Well, I’m back in afib again. This is the second time I’ve gone into  afib after pushing my X-ray machine up this special hill in San Francisco. Nursing home on Pine St. with underground garage and steep hill to get into the facility itself. No elevator. So I have to call my boss and tell him I can’t do that particular home anymore. And I’m going to have to stick with light dumbbells and stay away from heavy lifting. Damn it. 
 My style of batch cooking is working pretty well for me. Pre cooked in zip lock baggies. I can squeeze the air out and avoid the freezer burn that develops rather quickly when I put it into a box.