Ahyar Dreamspark

Challenge-related things: Misc. notes for the time period starting December 3, 2023, and ending December 23, 2023: I have decluttered more than ever before, which is great! I seem to have hit a wall, though, because I'm at the point where there are still some items I want to keep but there's no place left in my room to put them where these items won't be in the way. The point where they must be stored elsewhere in the house but all of elsewhere is already occupied by other clutter that isn't mine. I'll see if I can clear out a spot to put all of my crafting supplies in the basement. If this results in an argument (which it most likely will) then fuck it. I'll use that moment to work on emotional reactivity management and hope that things don't go straight to hell. The coaching app I've been using for a few years (not NF) has been...not getting used as much lately 😕 I'm really thinking of cancelling, but this would also involve a discussion and disappointing someone. This coach didn't do a bad job, and the app isn't bad, but it just feels like at this point in my life, I need to put ALL my focus on uncluttering the house to make any kind of lasting progress. I can't live in this fucking mess anymore. Besides, I can still work out without an app, and I can always rejoin that coaching program (or try the one from NF) in the future. Yeah. The more I think about this, the more I'm leaning towards giving this coaching program the Give Up treatment. To-do list: - Laundry. Must absolutely be done because I have no clean clothes left and I have an appointment tomorrow. - Clean the N64 console. A friend may want to buy it and all my N64 games. I'd make less money, but also wouldn't have to list everything individually on Marketplace. End result: more $, less clutter, and being happy that my old game system and games are being appreciated in a new home.

The logical part of me understands this, but the emotional part of me continues to scream "UNFAIR!!" about how so many other people have this emotional resilience buff that I lack 😕 I know that life isn't always fair like that and that comparing myself to others who have an advantage isn't productive, but ugh. Tbh I'm not sure if I'm more angry about having these mental disadvantages, or angry about how I've always been (and sometimes still am) on the receiving end of words and phrases like "not trying", "lazy", "making excuses" and "unmotivated" whenever I didn't perform to someone else's standards or follow orders to the letter 🙄 And then I've internalized this bullshit so well that I aim the same kind of negative self-talk right in my own face whenever I fail to do things or meet my own expectations. Things like, say, getting a cosplay done on time. Ooop. Hey wait... Maybe I'm actually onto something with this Giving Up business? Learning to manage emotions (and especially reactivity) is a must if I want to be able to accomplish anything in life, and I'll definitely try to incorporate this into my 2024 challenges assuming I figure out how. I'd have to intentionally expose myself to anger-causing situations and...OMG! There is a FFXIV x Fall Guys crossover event going on until December 31. I've tried it a few times already and there have been several BIG ANGER moments. I already play FFXIV often (a low challenge barrier, yay) so maybe I could just do a few runs of this event a few times per day while keeping in mind that I'm working on being less angry/less reactive and not necessarily WIN EVERY TIME RAAAAHHHHHH! I like the "incomplete instruction manual" analogy. Or the wrong instruction manual, or the manual for a different version. Whichever. I am indeed good at caring too much and at self-awareness and, I freaking swear, if I knew how to bridge the gap between "self-awareness" and "actionable steps to improve my life" then I'd be going places lol. TY for the validation ❤️

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with that entire reply. Lol. I most definitely did not. Now I need to pay a therapy subscription fee to get access to the "how to have feelings properly" DLC and how long it takes for it to download depends entirely on multiple factors that I am probably not even aware of 😐 The utter lack of emotional regulation I've been blessed with has been a point of discussion at therapy and counselling many a time. At one point I was being asked to fill out a sheet whenever anything happened (or just in general of nothing bad was happening) where I had to write about 4 things: the situation, behavior, emotions, and physical sensations. The situation and behavior ones were always easy, but I legitimately had no clue how to answer the "what emotion(s) am I feeling" and "what bodily sensations am I feeling" sections. I looked up Feelings Wheels images on the Internet and even then, this is the best I can come up with: Needless to say, using adult words to describe feelings and emotions is not yet a part of my skill set 😅 Re. the role models I had growing up...yeah. My parents did love each other and I was never lacking when it came to food and necessities, but emotions were hardly ever discussed. My parents probably legitimately tried their best, but in ways that were non-productive at best and emotionally harmful at worst. They probably also had some traumas from their own generation, as almost everyone does. So I can't really fault them for anything, but...it's like I'm both grateful to them for having provided me with a relatively easy life (physically and materially) while also being ANGRY about several aspects of my upbringing at the same time. But whenever I try/tried to bring up the fact that maybe some of the methods they were using were doing more harm than good, I got the usual "OH oKaY sO iT's AAaALL My FaULt ThEn!!" line or just got yelled at 🙄 Nobody ever got violent or anything, but both my mother and father have always had a short fuse so growing up around that kind of behavior is definitely a contributing factor. Being on the spectrum just makes it worse and harder to undo, which fucking sucks. It's like having to make every WIS and CHA saving throw at disadvantage while already having a stat penalty. (Eeeeeee. Work is super busy right now and I'll finish this post later.)

I'm debating whether I should give up on the expensive workout app that I'm not fully using. It's not a BAD app and coach, and I can rejoin it in the future, but right now it feels like the $230/month would be more useful if it went into a savings account in hopes that I could eventually have enough for a house. Giving up buying alcohol would also result in spectacular savings, so I'll be doing that at some point too, but if it becomes a challenge item then I'll want to do nothing but get drunk the whole time. Aren't brains fun? I fucking swear, whoever designed the wall drawers in my room was not thinking. They're LARGE drawers, but juuuuust not large enough to fit two stacks of t-shirts adjacent to one another in either direction. There is SO MUCH SPACE left unused and it's infuriating. I'll probably have to mix and match pants and shirts and it's going to make me angry because SHIRTS MUST BE WITH SHIRTS AND PANTS MUST BE WITH PANTS, AAAAAAAAAAA. Today I tackle the pants drawer. Wish me luck.

I have gotten rid of a total of three Doom Boxes today \o/ I am drunk right now and have skipped my workout but fuck it. Zero goals and zero expectations. Giving up on a) being sober and b) doing my workout today felt bad at first but then...allowed me to not beat myself up about it? I got a LOT of decluttering done, so that's something. Much space has been made available, and that will at least remove a HUGE barrier to working out. It's amazing how easy it is to do my workouts when I don't have to REARRANGE HALF THE FUCKING ROOM just to get started. Tomorrow I will be tackling the wall drawers that are full of clothes I no longer wear. If I manage to get through that, I'll be clearing out the bookshelf next.

Aaaaaaahahah hah. Fuuuuuckkkk. It turns out that this was an extremely related note and that I am probably in terrible danger. I am only on page 25 and this book has already been a RIDE. A necessary ride, but still. This will actually be more of an "Ahyar Dreamspark Aggressively Gets Rid Of Shit blog (okay, it's technically a challenge but calling it a challenge will make me not want to do it). I need my own space. Even if I don't live on my own, my room MUST. HAVE. SPACE. Nothing else fucking matters during this challenge the next 3.5 weeks. Even if I do end up being unable to live on my own, having one room to myself where I'm not being talked at and interrupted constantly will hopefully do wonders for my mental health.

Thanks. I was definitely venting, but also want to hear as many thoughts as possible. Anything that could possibly help, or provide some kind of an obvious realization that I've missed this whole time. (On a not-quite-related note, I've just started reading When the BODY SAYS NO, The Cost of HIDDEN STRESS by Gabor Maté and...*chuckles* I'm in danger 😅)

Oops. I ghosted the last week of the previous challenge. It turns out that all it takes to throw me into stage 10 meltdown mode is one (1) passive-aggressive interaction with a family member over something trivial 🙃 And then on the same day that happened, I happened to open Steve's NF email (the one titled "Toxic Positivity vs Acceptance") and it completely fucked me up. There were people mentioned in this email, people with real, legitimate problems, who were able to accept dreadful events and diagnoses that the Universe had thrown at them and continue moving forward with their lives. And here I am having meltdowns and/or screaming fits of varying intensity whenever minor daily aggravations occur, or when someone is mean. I absolutely hate how I overreact to everything. This has been a problem ever since I've been a small child. And now I have to...accept that this (along with the spectacular level of executive dysfunction) is the neurotype that I must continue to live with forever? FML. And by extension, I also have to accept the fact that I'll probably never be able to live independently, because the more I engage in this "adulting" activity, the more I realize that I'm more mentally disabled than I thought I was 😕 So I give up. I give up on goals. I give up on trying to do great things. I give up on expectations for myself. The bare minimum will have to do. I will also give up on stuff. There are many things I own that I once enjoyed but that are now just sitting in boxes under my bed, and piled floor to ceiling against the walls of my room. Things like my fancy collectible 1/6 scale models, and the metal Infinity Gauntlet replica (which I've already sold). And then there is my retro games collection (I'm slowly selling my N64 games now). I like the idea of having these things, but what use are they just sitting in boxes? What if I could both clear space and give these items new lives with someone else who would appreciate them more, while recovering some money at the same time? This will probably be an Ahyar Dreamspark Gets Rid Of Things blog more than an actual challenge.

The workout was okay-ish. Then drama ensued. Drama that was several pages long, which were then deleted and emailed to my psychologist instead 😅 Not sure what I'll do for the next challenge. Probably not much.

Well then. I'm glad I cancelled that appointment 2 hours away, because the roads OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, REALLY? Guess I have to go shovel the fucking driveway right now immediately. Mom was all about letting it all melt overnight/tomorrow BUT then she saw that the neighbors across the street were plowing their driveway and now she thinks it'll look bad on us if we don't also have a clear driveway 🙄 Anyway, a workout has been done both today and yesterday. Some decluttering too, but not nearly enough.

It has dawned on me that I must move clutter piles and furniture to do Monday's workout tonight. Boo hiss. Maybe I can just find a large box or something and shove all the clutter into it, and label it Doom Box #17. At least I drank a lot less alcohol last night compared to the night before, so maybe I'll have more energy tonight. I slept like shit, though, and woke up in the middle of the night for about 1.5 hours, and then when I fell back asleep it was nothing but an ongoing shitty dream where I was at a huge convention, but instead of it being fun, every room and/or area was a reminder of something that was giving me anxiety IRL. Fuck off, brain. Two of the Impossible Tasks got done last week. Can't you give me a fucking break? A list of other tasks that may or may not also morph into Impossible Tasks: - Register with the new benefits company. - Submit about $700 worth of claims to said new benefits company. - Re-book the physio appointment that I cancelled last week. - Book a chiro appointment maybe? I haven't been there in months but their shitty hours don't exactly make it easy for me to get there. - Go to the comic book shop to pick up the backlog of comics in my account and also cancel my account until I can catch up on reading what I already have. - ...There were many others but I can't remember them now. I'm sure I'll remember them between the hours of 2 and 5 in the morning. Oh, and having to do the 2 hour drive to this clinic tomorrow and OOOP there's supposed to be snow and rain and ice and the vehicles I have access to do not yet have their winter tires on. So this may end up getting postponed ☹️ Tonight's goal: do a workout.

Ooop. I was a dumb and got drunk while playing D&D on Sunday, so Sunday's workout did not get done. Or at least it didn't get done on Sunday. I did it about an hour ago, mainly because I didn't have the energy to do tonight's scheduled workout. It's not that Monday's usual assigned workout is harder, just that it involves moving clutter piles and furniture between sets and just the thought of doing that was a big ol' nope. *siiiiigh* this fucking room, this fucking clutter, I swear.

5 of 6 workouts have been done this week so far. I technically "skipped" Wednesday's workout but considering that Wednesdays are the most stupid busy days of my weeks (even without an Impossible Task involved) then Wednesday will just be rest day instead of Sunday. I have practically nothing going on on Sundays save for D&D every 2 weeks, so this makes sense. The "contact the clinic" goal has been done. I ended up contacting the administrator (or at least the receptionist who has access to the administrator) and things were working fine today, so my form was submitted. The receptionist keeps dodging one of my questions, though, which is kind of annoying. I have a consult on Wednesday morning, which I hopefully won't have to cancel due to weather (it's about a 2h drive). Right. I vaguely recall that I said I'd elaborate on this clinic goal later, so I may as well do this now considering that there's about one week left until this challenge is over: this is a hair restoration clinic. My hair went all like "lol byeeeee" between 2017-2019 and, while I really don't look bad with a shaved head (and it makes wearing wigs for cosplay SO MUCH EASIER), it would still be nice to have the option of having hair if I wanted to. Now the only impossible task that remains is clearing the clutter from my room. The ultimate Impossible Task that has been ongoing since probably 2003 🙃

It is done. The Impossible Task™ is done. WOW am I never falling behind on that receipt/mileage log book ever again. I was hoping to go to bed early since I've had shit sleep for the past several days, but I have to go to the office tomorrow and just noticed 20 minutes ago, at 8:46 PM, that I have no clean clothes left and now I am playing the laundry mini-game until 11. Or until after midnight if the washer and/or dryer decide to be temperamental and spit out error messages, as they are wont to do. I've also just noticed that the pants I normally wear at work are going to wear out soon and I Do Not Want to go pants shopping because this is my least favorite activity. I'd also probably have to go up a size, which will make this normally awful activity even more loathsome. Ugh. Since I was on a roll and finished the impossible task, I figured I'd use the momentum to complete one of the other tasks on my Week Zero goals list (the one about contacting a clinic) so I filled out their online questionnaire, and lo, an error message appears: "The form was unable to submit. Please contact the site administrator." 🙄 I changed my bed sheets and also unpacked my suitcase from the convention which was...over 2 weeks ago? But doing all these adult-y tasks left me no time to get my workout in, so I still feel like I've failed this whole day.

Oh, absolutely, re. treating me like a child. It's annoying AF 😐 Earlier this week she said something along the lines of "if you want to move out so much, then just get an apartment and I'll pay your rent!" which was just...???? This would be totally unfair to her so I won't be doing that, but it seems that it's the thought of me buying a house and getting in debt that terrifies her, even more than the thought of me not being in the same house to help with things. She seems to be 100% certain that my life will instantly self-destruct if I were to live by myself. I have been working on Impossible Task™ #1 (the receipts and mileage log book) since Monday. Monday was a stat holiday here so I spent many hours working on it. I've also spent many hours working on it yesterday during work hours since work was slow. I am only about halfway done, and now work is not slow and the newer work tasks will also turn into Impossible Tasks™ if I ignore them to keep working on the delivery log book. Why am I so sloooooowwww 😑 OMFG I just want this log book thing to be done.