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Everything posted by Naxius

  1. Yesterday was A Fucking Day, and I ended up drinking way too much while playing video games. I did get my workout in beforehand, though, so yay? I'll change my user name for the next challenge because this one is very much traceable to me IRL. Once I've done that, I will be doing some heckin complaining about various things...
  2. Fffuuuuuuckkkkk. Went to bed at 10:30 last night, did my workout, showered, did not have any alcohol, and was generally a responsible adult. This is basically the same thing I did on Monday. Monday evening sleep: AMAZING, and then I was a rock star at work for all of Tuesday. I was actually able to focus like a normal person. Win! Tuesday evening sleep (keep in mind that I did the exact same thing as Monday evening): Wide awake the moment my head hits the pillow. I have absolutely nothing to be anxious about, and yet my brain does this thing where it goes "what if THIS happened?" where "this" is all these horrible scenarios where bad things happen. This goes on until almost 1 AM...and also between 3 and 4 AM, and then again just after 5 AM because fuck me I guess? I wake up before the alarm. Toss and turn and stare at the wall. The alarm rings. I press snooze and go back to bed, only to fall asleep instantly. For 5 minutes. God fucking damnit, I hate this so much. Now I'm at work and I feel like I'm hungover despite not having had any alcohol for 2 days.
  3. Left the phone on the other side of my room. Got out of bed when the alarm rang. So far so good! Then...went back to bed for another 10 minutes? Maybe a sticky note on the wall near my phone that says "NEXT: WARM SHOWER" will prevent me from getting back to bed tomorrow. It's sad how I'm almost lvl 40 and yet my life still feels like a tutorial for a video game, with floaty arrows and "GO THIS WAY" popups that tell me where I need to go. The bag has been emptied and put away, though, and so have all of its contents. Did not get drunk. Did my workout also. At least yesterday evening wasn't a total failure.
  4. Ooooof. I can 100% relate with the commenter that wrote "Jesus Christ this would make me so anxious/angry every morning." in response It would sure be an efficient way to wake up, but also way too overwhelming. Okay, tonight I actually WILL leave my phone on the other side of my room. It will be on the wooden chest. The same wooden chest atop which the bag that I need to empty rests. This will be a "two birds, one stone" moment because I also need to empty the bag and put away its contents.
  5. When I journaled previously, I used to just have an email thread where I'd send emails to myself. This wouldn't necessarily work just before bedtime though (or in the middle of the night when dealing with racing thoughts). LOL at the math idea to bore prying eyes away from the journal though I may use that. Forgot about the challenge again this morning, wheee! Or maybe I just subconsciously no longer give a fuck. In any case, some snoozing happened. I realize that I have successfully accomplished my one goal a grand total of 0 times so far, and there are only 4 work/alarm days left in the year. 4 chances to get something right. I guess the only improvement this time around was that I didn't shame-vanish from the forums after 2 days of failures. Yay? I did end up on the exercise bike for 10 minutes last Friday, but did not unpack the bag. It's a stupidly simple goal (almost as simple as not pressing snooze, in fact) AND YET. Extra goal 1: exercise bike for 10 minutes. Extra goal 2: unpack the bag. Extra goal 3: don't get drunk until Friday afternoon/evening.
  6. Still no call from that psychologist's office. I'll probably leave them another message on Monday, and also send them an email in the meantime. There's no hours of operation listed on their web site (but Google says they're supposedly open from 8:30 to 4:30) and the "main" email address is a fucking gmail. There's also a "Not secure" note on the web address bar. Not super inspiring, buuuut the phone # my doctor gave me for the neuropsychologist I need to get in touch with is associated to that place even though his name isn't on the web site because he works out of multiple clinics. This doctor (maybe?) took over the patient list and wait list of an other neuropsychologist--the one to which I was initially referred. In February of fucking 2018. So now I need to do the detective work to find out if I got dropped off the waiting list. I can already tell it's going to be an adventure in the Cursed Forest of Red Tape. Oh, I can put a journal in a drawer, and it would be safe so long as nobody knows that it's there and that I don't want anyone else reading. But once it is known, well... Yeah, that may have been what happened, because it's happened in the past. Or I may have hit "dismiss" instead of "snooze" without realizing it Speaking of which, snooze quest has been a failure for the past 2 days as well. Wow, am I ever not generating any momentum. At least tomorrow is Saturday? I can't fail snooze quest on a Saturday. Goal 1 for tonight: get my ass on the exercise bike for at least 10 min. Goal 2 for tonight: empty and put away the bag that has been in the middle of my room for the past 3 weeks.
  7. I will look into those, especially for those nights (I hope they kick in fairly fast, lol). On some other nights, though, the problem is just plain ol' revenge bedtime procrastination where I just want some me-time on the computer while it's quiet in the house I lose sleep, but without the me-time I also get crazy depressed so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The journal might be a good idea. I just have to be absolutely sure that nobody else looks through it, because things and thoughts can get kinda' dark This morning: did not give a single fuck about anything and woke up at the last possible minute. A mix of thoughts were going through my mind, including ones like "perpetually tardy is probably just the way I am so I may as well just get used to it and the NON-STOP STRESS it brings" and "maybe tomorrow will be a better day" and "ah fuck there's a potluck at work this morning and I forgot to make something". It's probably just ADHD mixed in with depression tbh.
  8. I did not snooze a single time this morning! Because my alarm just...didn't go off? So I woke up to the sound of mom saying "Aren't you getting up?" which was followed by panic and rushing and then the rest of today continues to go to shit and I have things to do until fucking 10 PM tonight and uuughhhh. Fuck. Everything.
  9. Oh, getting to bed at a reasonable hour is most definitely is connected to extra snoozing and extra hating of mornings...usually. The main problem is revenge bedtime procrastination, because after taking care of chores, walking the dog, and doing enough hygiene-wise to not be a repulsive swamp goblin, I have like no time to myself. And yesterday I was tired early and actually DID go to bed on time, but then my brain did that thing where it is suddenly wide awake once my head hits the pillow and then throws racing thoughts (all of them horrible) at me until like 4 AM. Brain, WTF Predictably, I snoozed for 20 minutes this morning. I hate this. I did everything correctly. Why did sleep go to shit overnight for absolutely no reason. There is literally NOTHING to have anxiety over AND YET. I did make the call to that Dr's office and have heard nothing back. I don't want to be that annoying person and call again, and again, but fuck. There is NO way to actually speak to a person, so I just left a message that may or may not end up into the void. I'll check if they can be contacted via email.
  10. I ALMOST put the phone on the other side of my room last night, but then thought "Oh, shit. I still need to check Elvenar (a city builder cellphone game) so I can start a bunch of productions before going to sleep" so I did that while in bed and then...no longer wanted to get out of bed just to place my phone farther away This morning only had 2 snoozes (10 min). Tomorrow morning is Saturday and will involve no alarm. Week 1 was off to a "meh" start. Oh well. Week 2 will be better. New evening routine: - Check Elvenar and start productions BEFORE going to bed. - Put phone somewhere on the other side of my room. - Get my ass in bed. Opening the blinds wouldn't do much, though, because it's still completely dark out when I need to wake up lol. Turning on the big light instead could work, even though I'll make this face: But then my immediate concern would be to GET TO THE SHOWAH where it is warm. Spending too much time in the warm shower is also a problem, but that's something that will be addressed in a future challenge. Either that or getting to bed at a reasonable hour, lol.
  11. Ooooop. Snoozed for 20 minutes. I hate mornings. Is there a way to not hate mornings? If so, plz to let me know
  12. Did not forget the challenge, but did forget to put my phone on the other side of the room before going to sleep So 2 snoozes (10 minutes) were the result. D'oh. I was in slightly more of a rush this morning compared to yesterday morning, but not to the point where I was experiencing this GOGOGOGOGOGO RUSH RUSH RUSH YOU'RE RUNNING LATE AAAAAAAA feeling that seems to be pervasive throughout my entire fucking life. I even had the time to shower...but forgot to use the expensive facial cleanser before going into the shower. Forgetting things is a common problem and I'm not sure if it's because of ADHD, because of getting old, or because of undiagnosed brain damage. Speaking of which, I was supposed to call a doctor's office about the possible brain damage thing two weeks ago (I had the phone # on a sticky note) but...forgot Losing things is also a problem, so I hope I haven't lost this sticky note.
  13. I was originally keeping my phone on the nightstand next to my bed because that's what the Sleep Cycle app I use says I have to do, but...tbh I'm not seeing that much benefit from the app anymore. Especially on days where I get shit sleep. "You mean to tell me I get a grade of 38% on last night's sleep? Gee, I never would have known! And thanks for the tip of going to bed earlier, I had definitely never thought of that before!" After snoozing twice this morning (total of 10 minutes so that wasn't too bad), I just might ditch the Sleep Cycle app and put my phone on the other side of the room. I'll just have to make sure it's not in a spot where my cat can knock it behind a piece of furniture or anything. I was genuinely being lazy this morning, though, and did not forget about the challenge. Remembering the challenge made me only snooze twice instead of like 6+ times, though, and I was actually not in a rush while walking my dog and drinking my coffee afterwards. Slow progress.
  14. Is there a way to delete my old challenge threads? I can explain why in a DM if necessary. If it isn't possible, is it against forum rule to have a second account?
  15. Not only building new habits, but also maintaining them. It's like every habit I've ever built just...vanished in a puff of smoke one day? (I'm looking at you, daily exercise habit that I used to have.) In any case, yeah, it is incredibly frustrating. Waking up every day is kind of mandatory unless I happen to die in my sleep, though, so tacking a habit onto that should be an almost guaranteed win. Almost, because this morning I forgot that I made this challenge and hit snooze once before I remembered that, oh shit, today was supposed to be a no-snooze day. I am probably both not getting enough sleep and hitting snooze out of habit. Sundays overnight tend to be the worst, where I'll either take forever to fall asleep, or I'll wake up at like 4 AM and not be able to fall back asleep. Last night both of these things happened, although I eventually fell asleep again around 5:30 in the AM--just in time for some fucking yahoo in the neighborhood revving his engine to wake me up again Tomorrow will (hopefully) be a better day.
  16. THE MAIN GOAL: From December 5th to December 25th, I will get up every weekday at 6:30 in the AM and, most importantly, I will not slam the snooze button 4 to 8 times. That is it. That is, literally, the whole challenge, because I've learned that the bar has to be set really low for me to be able to succeed at this habit building thing. (This is essentially the same thing as the Daily December challenge that some other NF Rebels and I are doing in the NF Prime Facebook group, but I figured I'd make a thread here as well for extra accountability. And to have an extra place to brain dump.) IDEALLY, I would like to establish a morning routine that I can actually stick with. Here is the routine I have in mind: - Wake up. - Do some quick movement/stretches. - Wash my face and shower, and not forget to use the expensive cleanser and moisturizer that is currently not being used. - Walk the dog, but longer and in less of a mad rush. - Drink my coffee (and have breakfast if I'm not doing IF) while relaxing and not being in a mad rush. Even though it's a really fucking basic and bare-minimum routine, it cannot happen if I don't get up on time So this will be it for the Holiday Challenge. And also for the next NF Challenge just to make sure the habit actually sticks.
  17. Wednesday September 15: - Workout: Yes. - 150g protein: Yes. - 2300cal max: 2032 cal. - Sleep 7-8h: Yes. - Cold shower: Yes (was only like 20 seconds but w/e. Temptation to have booze was really freaking high last night because I crushed all my goals and the "I've earned it!" feeling was pretty strong. But alcohol tends to result in me playing video games until the early AM hours, and tomorrow-me would have been fucking pissed at only getting 4 or 5h of sleep after having gotten >7h for the three previous days. Now I get to do the same thing tonight
  18. Monday Sept 13: - Workout: Yes. - 150g of protein: Yes. - 2300cal max: 2344 cal. Oooop. - Sleep 7-8h: No (Sunday-Monday overnight) - Cold shower: Yes. Tuesday Sept 14: - Workout: Yes (not my assigned workout, but still worked out). - 150g of protein: Yes. - 2300cal max: 2249 cal. - Sleep 7-8h: Yes. - Cold shower: No. Both days involved zero alcohol \o/ I think I lost one pound already, even though it's only been two days. If I add up the additional red wine calories and also the calories from additional drunken snacking then...yeah, that's probably over 3400 calories over the span of two days that I did not have. Wow.
  19. A challenge thread to go with the "Sober(ish) September" theme I've got going in the NF Prime Facebook group, because extra accountability can't hurt. I'll mainly be copy/pasting the logs I post on the FB page in here for the sake of efficiency. Also, because I noticed I've fucking gained 10 pounds over the summer, the following goals have been added, in addition to the whole "don't have alcohol except on Saturdays" goal: - Workout (6x/week) - 150g of protein - 2300cal max - Sleep 7-8h - Cold shower I know this seems like a lot, but all these goals are things I've either done consistently in the past and/or am almost doing consistently now. It turns out that these things can all be done consistently a lot more easily if I don't get wasted on wine daily. Who would have thought! Today will probably be a shit show because I have things to do back to back to back to back to back and the only time I'll have to do my workout is between 6 and 7 tonight. If anything happens to derail this I'm going to be fucking pissed, and then do my workout at 10 PM but angrily. Tuesday is similar. If I can get through these two days, the rest of the week will be a breeze.
  20. Oooop. I have not touched the boxes again last night. The afternoon/evening went something like: get home from work, go vote (municipal election), work out, eat, go to pole class/second workout, walk dog, eat again...OH LOOK IT'S 10:30 At least some success was had fitness-wise because I stuck to my calorie total, worked out, and didn't reach for the wine. Tonight will probably be similar, except I'll get home 30 min sooner. There will be a 45 min gap between getting home and class #1, though, so I can hopefully use that time to fetch boxes from the workshop and stuff things in them. I realized today that the photo shoot for which I want so slim down is in exactly 32 days, meaning that my costume has to be ready 31 days from now. Oh no. There is now a feeling of mild anxiety and panic present during every waking moment. Hopefully this will motivate me to declutter the bedroom and the dining room table faster. I also need to order things from the Internet to make said costume ASAP and hope it gets here on time, aaaaaaaaaaa!
  21. Haha, that definitely sounds like our garage/shed also. Or at least it will in the not-far-future, because mom has a property in another province that she might sell, and there are two additional garages with clutter and extra/duplicate tools in them. I'll try to not think about that until it's time to deal with it. It will be like an expansion to the Decluttering MMO and, like most expansions, it will (hopefully) run into development delays It is...going-ish. I'm glad last week was week zero because I haven't done shit. Apparently putting things in boxes is too hard? But then I saw the Burnout thread and remembered "Oh right, that's a thing that has been happening since like 2011 haha." Not that I'm planning to not do my best just because of burnout/depression, but I should probably give myself a break or something. The new pole gym/class schedule started in May and balancing that and my other workouts leaves me with pretty much no time during the week. This week is also filled with appointments and additional tasks that absolutely need to be done and ugh. I'll make it a point to just bring the empty boxes from the workshop in my room tonight and then leave them on the floor. The boxes simply being a) visual clutter, and b) in my way should make me angry to the point of putting stuff in them just so I can move them out of the way.
  22. I just noticed the part about consistency this challenge, and have no clue how to fit consistency into decluttering. I have learned in last challenge that telling myself "I am someone who declutters for at least 10 minutes every day" is a goddamn lie. Maybe if the list is less long and less overwhelming, I won't just bury my head in the sand instead of completing the tasks on said list. Let's see... Level 1: The Bedroom. - Bag and board stray comic books. They're not even stray comic books anymore. They are SITTING ON TOP OF THE COMIC BOX that they need to go into! - Stack the box containing art supplies/tools into the existing box stack in the corner of my room. It's a small-ish box. - Put all D&D material in a box as well, with the current campaign notes on top for easy retrieval. - Pieces of one particular cosplay are currently not in a box. They need to go in a box. - Remaining fabric, into a box. That is a lot of putting things in boxes. There is a reason for this: some of the clutter in The Workshop (Level 6) is in the form of empty boxes. By taking these empty boxes and boxing all the remaining shit in my room, I create space in two separate areas. Fuck yeah, powerleveling! The tasks being easy means that I'll a) be able to do all of them during pre-challenge week, and b) generate momentum. Level 8: My hips and thighs. And let's add waist to this just to be sure. - Develop some kind of a meal plan that I can use every week (do this during Week 0). - Don't get drunk on weekdays.
  23. Hi everyone! Remember me? If not, don't feel bad because I kind of dropped off the face of the forums for the last 3 weeks of the previous challenge. But I am trying again, with the same goal...and more! I'll break apart the decluttering into separate levels, or zones, or whatever. It's kind of like an MMO where you stick to certain areas that are appropriate for your character's level range. Like in an MMO, the player can venture into higher level areas, but the player can also get killed more easily in said areas. Low level: Level 1 - The Bedroom: the starter area, where I began the last challenge. This area is already partly decluttered, and will be where I begin this challenge. Level 2 - The Sun Porch: long ago, items that lived in The Bedroom were banished to this area. Contains old university notebooks and textbooks, as well as furniture we no longer use or have space for but for some reason refuse to get rid of. Level 3 - The Dining Room Table: a small area. In fact, it's not even an area, it's a fucking table. It is the table that seemingly spawns clutter from nothing. Mid level: Level 4 - The Entryway: similar to the Sun Porch area, but a smaller space. Needs organizing more than anything. Clutter to space ratio makes this area look more intimidating. Level 5 - The Garage: the realm of tools and forgotten objects. Currently in disarray. Will remain in disarray until the fence around our yard is built. Level 6 - The Workshop: when things are banished from the house, they go to the workshop. There is a fridge in there, still in its box. Legend says this fridge has been there since 2017, waiting to be powered. High level: Level 7 - The Basement: end game content. Boss fight. Do not attempt. Bonus lifestyle/vanity level: Level 8 - My hips and thighs: self-explanatory. I have a photo shoot coming up on June 12 (hey, look at that, the last day of this challenge) and I want to look good for it. I've already got decent exercise habits, but nutrition could be slightly improved. Alcohol consumption could definitely be improved. Or should that be un-improved? Disproved? In any case, I'll be cutting booze out of my diet for the duration of the challenge. This challenge I will be working mainly on Level 1 and Level 8.
  24. Not really The comic box is still next to my bed, empty, with the bags and boards and comics on top of it. This has been the case for a while. All I do is just...stare at it? I attempted to continue the decluttering a few hours ago, but ended up only moving things from one area to another area. I thought I could make some progress today considering that ALL my plans were unexpectedly cancelled and I had a nice, long, free day in front of me. But then mom decided we have to take the dog for a looooong walk (2h), followed by a long-ass list of things to do. Some of these tasks were things that I was already planning to do, but now that I've been ORDERED to do them I no longer want to. Especially because being ordered to do things also involves being micro-managed while doing said things. Fuck. I noticed the challenge was over yesterday. My room is way better off than it was before, so I'd call it a win. I'll continue next challenge.
  25. Nice! Anime North is also on my to-go list...when cons happen again and I can actually manage to get a pass and a hotel for it, anyway. Mainly because the timing of it makes it the only convention where my Air Miles aren't on a fucking blackout date, lol. I can totally relate about cons not having the same feel anymore, though. I can (probably) still find a group of friends to go with, but most of the groups I've gone with in the past seem to be drifting apart. I could be wrong, though. The main problem is that the level at which I don't have my shit together makes it impossible for me to actually get a cosplay ready on time, which leads to sleepless nights, followed by failure anyway, and then stress as I attempt to finish it in the hotel room, still fail and, and...ugh. Then I just spend the whole con anxious and stressed and tired until I get drunk. This is a big part of why I want to un-clutter both my room and a work space in the house before I start working on any cosplays again. Maybe with my free time actually not spent clearing space/looking for shit, I'll actually be able to finish projects on time. Speaking of decluttering: I am not dead. Mental health just went to shit for who-the-fuck-knows-what reasons and I haven't done much all of last...week? Two weeks? The clear floor got re-cluttered, then un-cluttered, and then re-cluttered again, but I'm pretty sure it will be uncluttered again tonight. Or tomorrow. We'll see. I've emptied 2 of 3 desk drawers, which contained crafting tools and paints etc. Crafting tools went in one box, the rest in another. I was kind of sad as I did this because, knowing how awful the executive dysfunction problem is, I have no idea when I'll be seeing these items again. I've gone to the comic shop to pick up more bags and boards, and another box. I just need to actually put the extra comics in the box now. Things got done, I just haven't kept track of, well, anything. Let's see... 1. Get rid of the clothes that I no longer wear, put them in a box to bring to Value Village. Do the same with misc. items that I have no use for. 2. Dump all the bookshelf clutter and remaining desk clutter into a box. Sort it later. 3. Clear all desk drawers. The contents of the top two drawers consist of crafting tools and paints, so those could go in the same box (bonus: everything in the same place, even if it ends up in a box in the basement). 3rd drawer contains old video games (NES/SNES) that can go in a separate box. 4. Clear path to crawlspace near the bed. 5. Clear a path to crawlspace near the wall drawers. (Note: this has somewhat been done, there is still clutter, but it's on a rolly tote and can easily be moved out of the way.) 6. Unroll everything that is rolled (Worbla, craft foam, poster board, etc.) and put it behind the bookshelf. 7. Go to comic book shop and buy more bags and boards, and another comic book box. Put comics in bags with board, and put them in the box.
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