Jay87

Hey all, Firstly, I’d like to apologize for not posting the immediate response these heart-warming words of encouragement deserve. I'll skip the excuses. You strangers owe me nothing, and yet you’ve been so generous with your kind support. Thank you. Sorry for not saying it sooner. Secondly, thank you for sharing your personal experiences. I did read somewhere that clinical depression can be due to a chemical imbalance in the brain… that makes me feel better as far as my struggles to shake it off alone (so there’s an actual potentially legitimate reason I’ve had difficulty here…but it also concerns me because, CAN I even shake it off alone if it’s a chemical imbalance? Maybe not.) So, I’m giving some anti-anxiety meds a go. They do seem to calm, but they also make me feel pretty drowsy. Maybe those two go hand-in-hand. Maybe it’s temporary. Maybe I’m just tired to begin with. I’ll give them some time. I do hope this isn’t the start of a long road. I hope this isn’t part of who I am. I THINK I’d like to feel less, or at least be able to choose what I feel over. Some famous philosophers, if they were still alive, would tell me that I could pick and choose like it’s some kind of emotional stimuli buffet…’reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears!’…that seems like something divine, perhaps something people just say. So far, I’ve not been able to neurologically re-wire or reprogram myself like this. I don’t know. I’ll see how the meds go. If they could just take the edge off those really bad days, that would be great. Again, thank you to everyone. The support here is staggering.

Thanks so much for the kindness, hugs, and helpful suggestions, guys. It’s actually quite strange for me to be feeling like this. I’ve dressed up as Michael Jackson and moonwalked on a stage in front of 500 people for a charity event before. I used to present to a room of 25 people monthly as part of my job. And so to not be able to look someone in the eye when I’m merely buying a drink from a store…to suddenly get this social anxiety…that’s weird, right? It’s odd. I'm naturally introverted, but it’s not me to be THIS down and shy and withdrawn and it really makes me think something isn’t right. I’ve made the GP appointment for Thursday next week. I guess I’m apprehensive about the idea of subsequently being prescribed something like anti-depressants, because I know there are side effects and risks of dependency…but, honestly, to get these voids in the day…and inside me…it sucks so much.

So…some days are ok. Other days – weeks even – it’s like I’m just…so low. Empty. Anxious. Don’t recognise myself. Wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life. Feel like such a failure. Can’t look people in the eye for more than a moment because my self-confidence takes such a tank. Not even when I’m just, say, buying a drink from a store. I keep my eyes on the drink while the checkout staff tells me how much. I don’t look up as I pay. I don’t feel confident enough to respond when they tell me to have a nice day. I don’t feel able to interact at all. I hate myself for it, and I leave, eyes on the floor. My will to do anything significant disappears. I feel devoid. I also feel really ungrateful because there are people out there who’d trade lives with me in a heartbeat, and for some f***** up reason that isn’t enough to make me snap out of it. It breaks my heart. I withdraw because I’m terrified people are judging me. It makes me hate myself more still. I’m not that important, after all…how arrogant am I to think people have the time or inclination to judge me? Not to mention, how weak, pathetic, and paranoid? I feel so introverted and it makes me miss out on so much. I don’t talk to anyone about it. Can’t. Don’t know how to. Don’t want to burden anyone. Don't know how to express it because my head's so goddamned busy. I stop seeing beauty in the world. I probably appear really cold sometimes to others, and I hate that because I’m not cold. Just so desperately shy. I stop working on my dreams because I just…I have nothing. I start to get body aches as tension builds up. I don’t sleep but I’m so tired. I know exercise helps. I know eating well helps. I just…can’t figure out how to care when it’s that bad. It’s exhausting. Can anyone relate? Has anyone overcome it? I’m in a tough, transitional phase of my life right now, and so that probably has something to do with it, but still…it doesn’t feel like ‘normal lowness.’ I’ve been able to pull myself out of that and ‘buck up’ before. But this? This feels like there’s maybe something wrong with my head.

Lol, how to handle your girlfriend kicking your arse? Simple. Playfully swat hers It's not a competition. (Or if it is, now you're square without even breaking a sweat...)

This is something she has to do for herself. It sounds like she half wants it, which is better than not wanting it at all, but the follow-through component is absent. What's present, however, is an obvious dissatisfaction with herself. And, while I'm sure it's unintentional, you're actually aggravating that with your frustration. Now not only is she unhappy with herself, but you're also unhappy with her too. The natural knee-jerk reaction is to close up, and give up, and probably die a little bit inside too. She needs to find her own thing. Not your thing. Her thing. That way it will be her own journey, rather than tagging along on yours. People telling you what to do just isn't motivating. Or fun. What's motivating is owning it, having it be your decision, not being pushed into it, feeling like you're in the drivers' seat in achieving it, and seeing your progress along the way. I think you may have that, but she doesn't and this must be her journey. Helping her with the mechanics of weight loss isn't the way to go. This is a psychological issue. If you want to actually 'help' I'd therefore say focus more on what's going on in her head. Figure out what makes her do stuff. What drives her? Is she a carrot or stick person? Do action movies make her want to take up kickboxing? Take her to an action movie. Does she like dancing to a certain type of music? Get it for her and tell her she has good rhythm. Does she like nature and fresh air? Take her up a mountain. I think you catch my drift. These are all subtle ways that will help her with this frame of mind issue, but not make her feel forced into it. Hope some of that helps.