Lilith

Wooooo pictures of all the dresses! Please?

Well I understand that the rest of the world is not as awesome as NF But people react well to positivity, and you are a positive person and it shines through even in your videos! I think that it's a good call to make an instagram account, you indeed need to be recognized. At the same time I would also have the same thing you do, I wouldn't dare doing it. But look at how strong that makes you! You did it and sure it's scary but you'll desensitize too! And you don't have to post EVERYTHING to instagram, and you also don't have to post every day. You need to do regular updates to get followers, but if that means every other day, or once a week, that doesn't matter per se as long as you follow at least a certain rhythm so the blog doesn't go without content for too long. <3

Pfff oh dear! Read through your entire challenge thread but this sleep problem is terrible! I have no clue what else you could try. Especially since you do fall asleep, you just wake up. Just to be sure though, it's not that there are sounds that are the reason you wake up? You really 'just' wake up? Or maybe it would work to do a siesta? Maybe it will only make it harder to sleep at night but this way you can't recover for all the awesomeness that awaits you in your life! Gahhh...! Oh and a thief challenge, that sounds amazingly epic. Super amazingly epic actually. <3

Mad Hatter – Yes, the field is so competitive that even the ones that absolutely want and love this don’t always make it. I’m pretty confident I can find a phd, right now I’ve done (or still doing one) two internships in very good labs. If from both I can get a good reference, then I’m confident I will find a phd. I mean, you can’t know 100%, especially since I don’t want to look abroad so this narrows down the amount of available positions… But you get the point. It’s more, what then? I am not entirely sure I could finish the phd, people say I’m capable but I don’t feel that way, and then again people also don’t see how much I struggle, just the end result. They don’t see that for two months I was falling in a depressive, anxious hole of suicidal thoughts in order to finish that essay. And yes, I get better at it, but it’s always this battle against that side of me, the side that just crumbles under stress which comes from not feeling capable. And I feel capable with so many things, but NOT with science actually. I feel very capable, and passionate, about explaining things to people I like. Such as workouts, why squats are good for you, how to train your dog, how to tackle this climbing problem. I already found out I can work tirelessly and super happily on things I feel competent at. Say my beginner programming, when it goes well. I just don’t have that fire in science anymore. And even though I understand that in whatever profession I choose, there will be people better than me, the academic atmosphere is highly competitive which exagerates the unease I feel at everyone being (or so I perceive) better than me. You are right that whatever it is it doesn’t have to be forever. But it’s something that is hard for me to accept and truly be okay with. Even though it’s true. I’ve always been ambitious, and if you keep changing up you won’t get good at anything. Or am I just making that up? But yes, what you propose of starting as a programmer while training to be a dog trainer, this was actually something in my mind aswell to do. Direct value versus intellectual value, true it’s a factor. Dog trainer would be VERY rewarding, since you’re directly helping patients. (See I’m quite obsessed with this guide dog training thing sigh) But it wouldn’t be the most important one for me. Most important for me, is that TO ME it has to be enjoyable, relatively stress free (or the kind of stress I can cope with) and just a job I like doing. And a job that allows me to have a life next to my job. Doesn’t mean it can’t be a relatively demanding job, but science, at least the teams I worked, means NO friends outside of the lab usually NO weekends etc. Your personal experience is super useful and thanks so much fors haring that about yourself! It’s so nice to know that you basically went through the same and then you came out on the other end happy! So yes, I definitely want to try programming at least. Because I looked at pharmaceutical jobs and they are just really not my thing (although very suited to my master). I am not sure how much mental stimulation I need in a job. I also don’t know what kind. You are right I have a logical mind, and you are right that my mind loves to do things. I also think, after you and Dan’s comments, that I agree with you. I should not work in a gym of some sort. It would be boring. But I have always wanted to work with animals. I wanted to be a vet, in fact, my single biggest regret in life is that I didn’t go to veterinary school. But I can’t change that now. Now I work with animals too at work (albeit in a science way, so not A LOT). So I would think that being a guide dog trainer, and keep in mind, this is a serious job where you get special training, work fulltime hours and at any one time have five dogs (different ages) under your care that you raise to be fully equipped guide dogs for patients. Then you also have to train the patients and make patient and dog work as a team, and do yearly checkups to check on the performance of the dog. It’s not ‘I’m a freelance dog trainer and I give puppy courses 5 hours a week’ because that definitely wouldn’t be the job for me. I think that COULD (but I don’t know ofc!) be mentally challenging enough, because every dog will be different, every patient will be different. And next to that, I wonder how much I can just do in my free time if that makes sense. Say doing as a hobby robotics at home or things like that. In the end, just like for a dog actually, you just need an amount of mental stimulation per day, not neccesarily just in your work. (But your work should definitely not be boring) Long write up again. Does it all make sense? There’s no real questions but it’s just I wouldn’t know what to ask and I just really like discussing it with you guys. You give invaluable insights.

SymphonicDan - Thank you so much for your well thought out post! · more restriction on your time (you have to be in the office at particular times and can't skip work like you might skip lectures) · more or less free time, depending on your job · more money · more headspace for thinking of things that aren't your job (when you leave work you have no reason to think about work) · less social opportunities So about this list, I think, after consideration, this seems spot on. The more money thing depends on what I do. Right now it doesn't necessarily have to be a job 'worthy of my degree/intellectual level'. The more restriction on your time will also be true, but in the end that doesn't really matter I think. I'm the kind of person that feels obliged to be present anyway at everything. But the list, and the comprehensive way you put it, is nice. I actually saved the list in my 'career' googledocs that I made to brainstorm and basically figure out where my life is going to head. I think I get your environment you like versus things you like. I was also very unsure about the climbing gym thing. In fact, I guess I never really saw it as a 'real' option it was more a kneejerk reaction. Because right now I'm stressed and overburdened. And from the way my life is now, it seemed like the best thing ever to work at the climbing gym, because even though I realise those people do in fact work, the atmosphere there was always laid back. It also made me think about service dog trainer. The thing with that is, yes I also considered, even before posting here, that I may just like it because I’m obsessed with dogs right now. But I think this is not the case. I really genuinely think I could be great at training guide dogs. For training behavior you need to have a logical side, and contrary to popular belief, you should not be EEEEE DOG SQUEEE MUST HUG IT. You also do this for patients and one of the reasons I’m in biomedical sciences is well, I want to help people. This would be a more direct way to do it! The factors you posted are also nice. Science would give me more freedom to work on what I want, you basically apply for a position that Works on a certain thing and you can choose your position. But then again, even though in science you can choose the subjects and the techniques, there are some things that never change. Like data analysis, like deadlines, like writing and lots and lots of reading of research articles. Things I don’t like. In this internship I’m realising how important all the things are that I dislike about ‘doing science’ and how much time you actually spend doing those. Social contact with colleagues is nice, but I guess you can find a good team of people in any profession. You just have to be lucky. Although I admit that staying in a field that will require my master ensures that my team has a certain level of intelligence which might make it more likely I like them. Stress is one of the main reasons I would not like to do science. Stress is crippling, I’ve seen it happen to my dad. I don’t deal well with stress. Of course I understand that NO job is ever completely stress free, there’s always a moment that things go wrong, or that things have to go right but it’s just a bit too much work for what you can handle. But to me this is continuous stress. Salary sigh well I would like a good salary, but I realised that what I want more is a job I enjoy. Salary is really secondary. So this is why I would even consider jobs below my education level. Not that academic science is SO well paying. I didn’t respond to all the points because this post is already huge but thanks a lot, you put everything in such a logical way to think about. I will definitely use these guidelines. Now I’m going to write a second post to Mad Hatter, although some things might overlap and it’s not that this post is solely meant for you haha <3

Okay so three times I tried writing this post, in a word document. Three times I failed well I wrote things but then deleted them again. I find it hard to talk about, hard to describe properly, hard to anything. The thing is, I'm in science and I always thought I wanted to get an academic career. But I think my heart is not in it. I think I'm not good enough. I get very stressed. And to make it you need to be the best, flexible with finding a new job every few years and moving around the world (or at least Europe) for every new job. I can't do that. I think. I KNOW I won't do the moving around thing. But then I could still try to make it without doing that. But I think I can't. And I think I don't want to. Since I decided "maybe not" I have been so much less stressed at my internship! But then what do I do? I need a job, and something I like. I'm not a child, I don't need something that is THE BEST THING EVER. Just a job I will enjoy. A job that will allow me to have a life OUTSIDE the job (science does not do that, science is living for science). And I am brainstorming on things I like and things I can do. I am putting more effort in learning how to program, that would be relatively easy to find a job in, if I have my masters degree companies will pay me and teach me how to program because programmers are that high in demand. But I'm not entirely sure I like that either. It's an option though, learning how to program I like. I just don't know if I will like it when the difficulty increases because right now I'm really at beginner stage. The other thing I like is just... Work in a gym? Work in a climbing gym maybe? But I'm not sure if it would be fulfilling and I think I would feel like a failure doing something like that but I also think I would love it? And that's more important? The thing I want to do MOST right now is you have these dogs for handicapped people (blind and such) and there's one company in the Netherlands that trains all of them. I would love to be a dog instructor there. Really love it. I would need to first become a trained dog instructor thing but I could do that honestly it wouldnt'be hard it would just cost money and time. And then I need some work experience on the CV because they do have quite some requirements. And I'm scared and sort of ashamed by how much I want this. I would love this. I don't even know what to do or what exactly to ask you. But any thoughts? On anything?

From now on, for a while I'll be posting on my battlelog again! The updates will most likely be done very sparingly. I actually have an important thing to ask you guys, but I need to type everything out first sooooo for now just this tiny update. I did paralettes again yesterday, and this time I transitioned to the second stage with different movements. They were harder and incorporated more 'strange' movements on the paralettes. It was great fun, however I think I strained my neck? Because it's hurting a little. Anyway, today I'll make sure to do some stretches!

Yessss!

I missed quite a lot but I loved how you did the last challenge, I loved the squat video (not sure if it was posted on this thread or your challenge thread) and I feel you on the battle log! I might create one too. Gives a bit less pressure but does allow to stay here with all the friends!

Oh absolutely. It's actually crazy how much you learn. Like I noticed for me there are two things. Amount of hunger, as in amount of food, and urgency of hunger. I tend to think urgency means larger amount. This is not true. Sometimes, I'm super hungry, but satisfied relatively quickly too! Other times the hunger was there but not screaming at me, but I did have to eat quite a lot to get it back to something good again! Weird!

Awww thank you! I should definitely get around to posting some pics in the weekend at the latest! Will be fun! When did the new challenge start? If it already did I think I will wait this challenge out and continue either here or on my battlelog, and then start fresh with a new challenge since they are not super long now anyway! But I do want to get back in the flow of reporting back here. You guys are the most amazing support group! So paralettes, I'm picking it up again. I had a week+ break, I can't say exactly how long it was but from the moment I heard about the eviction my priorities just changed. Anyway, the day before yesterday I did the first day of week 3 (because of the break I decided to back up one week, so I'm doing week 3 again) and today I'm going to do workout 2(out of 3) of week 3, and soon I'll also be adding leg workouts to my paralettes rest days (as the program suggests) thus far I have kept the rest days as rest days. I'm still using the hunger scale, and it's a miracle. It makes me so much more aware of my body, but also of how being hungry and 'wanting food' can be two different things. Like when I'm super busy I'm hungry but I don't want food. And other times I want food but I KNOW I'm not hungry. Also it is better than any portion control I've ever tried. Read the above for the same question! I do plan to do challenges, but I don't want to step in halfway. In that case I will just continue in the battle log!

Awwww yay thanks so much! And I'm touched you missed hearing about my adventures! I will definitely do some more updates later because I also did so many AMAZING fun things it's not all just the eviction that happened of course! It is an older building, quite a magnificent one actually. So magnificent, that it has like red walking carpets (like for hollywood!) in the entrance and on the stairs and such. And then on the first floor (so not street level but higher) there is a 'service' door, where in olden days the servants used to live. And then a part of the building the hallways look less fancy (but still very parisian and cute) and there are appartments there too, and I live in the very very top. So I have a great view. It's tiny, but quirky. The colors of the walls are red and white, I have a huge desk, beautiful big windows and a hardwooden floor. I love it. Oh and the bed is eh, high? So the desk is beneath. But I actually LOVE it because it makes it super cozy. It feels like a little hobbit hole (even though for it to be a hobbit hole it would need to be not so high up on a building haha)

No luckily they were in English. In that regard she was kind of cool. She spoke English relatively fluently. Oh yes in my new place I hang around in my pyjamas or underwear, my paralettes have a place of honor in the middle of the room because I like to be reminded of the awesome workouts I do.. My boyfriend can come over, the landlord doesn't want people over like every weekend, but I asked him "if my boyfriend visits a few times" and he was fine with that! I definitely don't want to hurt my friends that still live there. I'm looking into online reviews, that would be great. Definitely lots of new adventures, this really feels like Paris part 2 you know, different neighbourhood to again explore, different house and things... Yeah it's going to be amazing! Still doing paralettes, still loving it. Pfew, yes I am also super glad! In fact, now I am happy she gave me no choice but to look for something else! Yes, she's crazy. You made me so happy when you said I got 10000 life XP. Because that sounds AWESOME! Thanks! ONWARDS TO BETTER THINGS

Too Long, Won’t Read: Landlady be crazy. Got evicted. Found a new place quickly, for JUST ME. Everything is awesome for Paris adventure part 2! Well so I guess it's time for a big update. I'm kind of not sure if this challenge is still running or not. Probably not. Life got a little crazy, but first things first: I'm fine. I got evicted. So how did this happen. Well on Sunday morning I got up, sleepy and groggy, to immediately get some tea. Usually I spend some time waking up in my room before I even venture to outside my room. This time I didn’t. Of course. Before I even made it to the kettle, I encounter the landlady. She said “I need to talk to you, please come to my room it will only take a few minutesâ€. I already had this sort of sinking feeling, even though I didn’t know exactly what was up. Because I’ve never talked to her ‘in her room’. We just talk where we meet, be that kitchen, hallway, etc… Then she closed the door. So I did a mental sigh and said a silent goodbye to my dreams of waking up with a good cup of tea. It will be hard to give a play by play of the conversation, because it took a long time. Anyway, the opening sentence I do definitely remember. The landlady said “Lilith my dear, you know how I always say that this is my house and that I need to feel comfortable. You are creating tension in the house, I’m sure you feel it too, and you make me uncomfortable. You are agressive. This does not work. You are going to have to leave.†Wow. Yeah. So that set the tone! Of course there’s emotions going through me right there and then, disbelief, a bit of fear, a bit of anger as well. But I’ve learned so much in the past year and I’m a strong person. Believe me when I say I stayed calm, I stayed polite. (at least at this point). I asked her: well actually I didn’t realise I was creating tension and I definitely don’t recall being agressive. Could you perhaps give me some examples so I can understand? She started out by saying she had MANY examples. So I was all ready to hear these mysterious things I had been doing wrong. First example she gave, “remember yesterday when we made the bed?†And yes, I DO remember yesterday when we made the bed. Let me tell you how I remember it. Landlady was talking about how busy she was, as she basically always does. This time it was quite specific, she said the cleaning lady could only come for <shorter amount of time than usual> and that she still had to make the beds too which she usually doesn’t do. It was a Saturday for me, and I didn’t have any pressing plans. I offered to help her make the beds. I said I could make mine, and if she wanted also those of my roommates. Landlady said no you can’t make the bed alone, but you can help me. So I said sure. Landlady asked when are you up for it? I replied: whenever you are, anywhere from now until the end of today is fine. So off we went. Now, I never made the bed in this house before. Because that’s something that the landlady/cleaning lady does for us. Offering to do it yourself doesn’t help, she doesn’t allow it. We made the bed together, all the while I tried to mimick what the landlady does. As she does not actually EXPLAIN what needs to be done. So I sortof lag behind so I can see what she does. This visibly annoys her, but I can’t help it. Then, when it’s done, my side is not as impeccable as hers so she makes a theatrical sigh and does my side again while saying “but you are so young and strong why can’t you do it properly I’m old and I can do itâ€. Then, we do the thing over the matress, and for that, we would pull the matress away from the walls so you have some space to work. When we were done, she asked IN ONE BREATH “Lilith could you please push the matress back I am old and not so strong Lilith WHY ARE YOU NOT PUSHING IT BACK please help me it won’t be much trouble for you don’t be lazyâ€. This was all said in about 5 seconds, and while she was bodyblocking me from the spot I needed to be to push the matress. By then she was angry. So I tried to explain “Landlady, I’m sorry, but if I’m not doing something, it’s not because I don’t WANT to do it, but because you are not explaining what you want, or aren’t done yet explaining like now you gave me no time to react even?†Then that escalated in a discussion where she said well you KNOW how to make a bed right?! And I said well YES but everyone does it differently. Landlady: “Well you SLEEP in this bed right? So you know how it’s made?†and I just let it go because there’s no winning in this situation. Landlady goes on to say how LUCKY I am that I apparently NEVER made a bed with her before. Even though when I rented it, she included it as part of the deal that SHE made the bed, and also she apparently forgot already that I VOLUNTEERED to help her and now she’s brushing me off as lazy. Back to the story. So the landlady asked me if I remembered it. She used this example to say: well look at you, your attitude was agressive, and you were too proud to help out with the bed. I tried to argue. I said, well I don’t think I was agressive at all, I was genuinely trying to help and with your limited explanations on what you wanted me to do, did the best I could. But hey, you said you have more examples, can I hear more? “Oh no my dear, I have many examples,I really do but don’t you see what I mean?†“No, no I really don’t.†“Oh alright well you just always create so much tension in the house and you are agrsesive and this is not possible here!†“Yes you said that, but I don’t understand what you mean by that could you give me another example, because the first to me is not appropriate to agressive behavior or pride†“Well if you don’t see what you do there’s no way for me to make you see. You see, if you can fix this behavior in one week, then I won’t have to kick you out then you can stay. Oh I do have another example, you never say good morning to me. “ Now I might have forgotten at some point. I really might have. But I USUALLY say good morning. I think what she actually meant was that she was usually the first one to say good morning, and that I just replied good morning. Also, in a later incident after I had moved out, I greeted her at the market, and she proceeded to say to my (by then ex roommates) that I was so rude for not greeting her at the market. So she either makes things up in her head, or she just… forgets? Anyway, the discussion went on, she said I could stay if I fixed my agressive and proud behavior. I tried to continue finding out what EXACTLY she meant by it, in order to have a chance to fix it. The conclusion to the discussion, IMO was “well Lilith I have no sensible examples I just don’t like you†and her conclusion was “well I’m not kicking you out I’m giving you the opportunity to grow and fix this behavior and then all will be well†I hope you agree with me, that when I left that room, I was basically evicted. There was no possibility in my head where I could fix whatever I didn’t even know I was doing wrong in a week time. I went to my room. I wanted to cry, as in, my body wanted to cry. But I wanted to keep my head cool. I breathed. I literally just sat there, staring at my blank computer screen because it wasn’t turned on. Just breathing. Not sure how long it took. When I felt I had a grip on myself (only a few tears spilled and no actual sobbing) I turned on the pc. I told my love. I started looking for a place to live. I did that for about 3 hours or so. Found some candidates I would like to message. Decided it was time to venture out, get some tea and breakfast. Found my roommates in the kitchen. They asked me how I was, they did notice that I was taken into her room and stayed there for a long while. We were not raising voices though, so they didn’t know what was up or what the vibe of the conversation was. I told them I got evicted. They had disbelief. But then they believed me. They after all do know how crazy she is. I… Cried. I couldn’t help it. I was sobbing. They hugged me. They are the best. I regained myself quickly, because I knew at any point in time landlady could walk in. She was gone out to the market or something but she’d be back soon and I did NOT want her to see me crying or that I had cried. They urged me to go out with them, explore the city as we had originally planned. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to obsessively look for a new place to stay. They convinced me. I came with them. It was fun, but at the same time I wasn’t completely “there†you know? At home I sent messages for housing, and told my parents. The next week I visited appartments, and found my own place. I got super lucky, I found something in a manner of days. A super cute, tiny studio (ALONE) in Montparnasse, a super nice neighbourhood, arguably the best part of Paris, central and very close to the lab. I’m in love with this place. Weekend after, my boyfriend came to visit. This was planned months in advance. So in a way I was again lucky. One of my roommates, boyfriend, and me moved all my stuff. Landlady was beyond shocked I moved out so fast, without even doing the ‘after one week talk’ that we had to do to see if I could stay. She would have kicked me out end of February to give me time to look for something new (but rather for her to find a new tenant) and she didn’t expect me to move out basically one week after the conversation, before February even started. Landlady said “well it’s your choice I think it could have worked outâ€. I think this is the way she deals with herself. She told me “I never evict people some just choose to leave†I understand what she means now. She deludes herself in thinking she is giving people a choice, but really, she’s just evicting them. Still besties with my roommate, hear lots of crazy landlady stories still. Super happy in my own little place it’s cute and the best. Every day super happy that I am out of that toxic atmosphere. I’m SO much more relaxed. So this was long. Yeah.

Thanks! *bounce bounce* Yes it is paying off for sure! I knew that my arms and abs are weak points. My legs are far stronger! I hope you can do an L-sit someday. That's a serious feat of strength!